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The Very Horny Caterpillar and other Instructional Children’s Books

I’m beginning to think that the time has come to write off this current generation of young people as completely unfixable and focus our energies on preventing the next batch of sprogs from following in their path.

In support of this notion, I’ve written a series of instructional pre-school books designed to answer important questions and set the young ones down a road of decency, morality and proper American values.

Now I Understand Why I can’t go to Restaurants!

A wonderfully illustrated large print reader that explains to children exactly how their unrestrained behaviour and outlandish tantrums spoil the dining experience of everyone around them.

The story chronicles the misadventures of the Mr. and Mrs. Paddy O’Hamster and their 8 children who venture out for an ill-advised trip to a local restaurant. When the youngster’s shenanigans force the family to flee in embarrassment (and on an empty stomach!), Mrs and Mrs. O’Hamster are forced to make a difficult decision and elect to eat their own young!

Mommy, why do you have a tattoo on your Back?

In gentle language and with cute illustrations, this book explains how during a tequila and carrot fuelled misadventure, Mrs. Penny Bunny made a poor decision that resulted in permanent disfigurement and a life of heady regret.

Designed as a cautionary tale for curious toddlers the book helps parents in deterring their children from making the same questionable life choices they did.

Also in this series “Daddy will be back in 7 to 10” and “I Never Caught his Last Name.”

The ABCs of Respectable Middle Class Values

“C is for conformity which keeps us all the same / D is for the decency that shields us all from shame”

It’s never too early to start beating notions of morality into the heads of young people and reminding them that in addition to standing for Apple, “A” also stands for America!

This pragmatic and patriotic early-reader brings home the concepts of decent middle class values using light verse and heavy messaging. A must for any rambunctious child with a stubborn streak and a strong imagination.

“M is for the marriage that must last until you die / N is for normality, a trait for which we strive”

The Very Horny Caterpillar

The story follows a young caterpillar who spends an entire week feeding his depraved carnal appetites. Building from his first sexual curiosity to self-manipulation to the loss of his virginity to random acts of perversity behind the Hostess Chip rack at the 7-11, there is no act of obscenity that the very horny caterpillar will not try and no one he will not attempt to mount.

At the conclusion, the very horny caterpillar becomes unwell, cocoons himself and emerges reborn and with a new sense of morality and a permanent cold sore.

Dick and Jane are Morbidly Obese

A new twist on an old classic, our modern day Dick and Jane eschew exercise and spend their days guzzling soda, scarfing down curly fries, sexting each other and giving supertokes to their dog Spot.

Naturally, it isn’t long before their gluttony and sedentary lifestyle leads to unfortunate consequences like a sweatpant-only wardrobe, type 2 diabetes and early onset heart disease.

See Dick.
Dick loves to Eat.
Dick once ate an entire Ham.
Eat, Dick, Eat.

ONE, TWO, THREE…Learning to Count Suspicious Neighbors!

“Finally, a book I can read with grandma!”

Counting can be fun! Especially when it’s in aid of Homeland Security.
This important pre-school classic makes learning to count fun while also helping teach your child how to be vigilant in the search for cannibas grow-ops, potential terror cells, communist operatives and other clear and present neighbourhood dangers.

Parents and children alike can enjoy over 2 dozen workbook exercises including counting and recording out-of-state licence plates, counting the number of questionable visitors next door and noting the times of their arrival and departure

I Can Earn My Keep!

A beautifully illustrated children’s book that disabuses youngsters of their notions of entitlement and promotes personal responsibility by encouraging them to assume progressively more challenging household tasks.

Example chapters include: “I can make my bed!”, “I can wax the floors!” and “I can pull a moldboard plow!”

Coming next in my little readers series:

“The Infected Piercing Pop Up Book”
“Decent-Indecent: A Spot the Differences Book”
“Clifford: The Big Red Menace”
“Hooray! I’m Going to Military School”
“Let’s Leave Grandpa Alone”

And much, much more.

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More Emails from Damned Young People

A while ago I added a “Send a Message to Don” page to this blog.

Not surprisingly, I’ve received some interesting missives from damned young people wanting to debate the merit of my views. While not always as flattering as one might hope, the letters do provide a keen insight into the minds of today’s youth.

A sample of some correspondence I’ve exchanged as of late:

hey fuckwad…i think youre parents should have gone to jail if they done that to you (spanked, cut off tongue, pulled out eyes, beat with clubs and whatever else they did). I believe that you had no childhood and that’s why you are like this. Not all teenagers are like you say they are. I for one, am really short. I think you should apologize because I am sure you have offended many young people – K8e

Many thanks for the email K8e,

I appreciate the concern about my childhood. Obviously, having my tongue cut out and eyeballs removed did have some negative impacts on my youth (not to mention the challenges it provided in reading your email) but – on the upside – it did render the spankings and beatings with clubs little more than a minor annoyance in comparison. I’m very much a glass half full sort of person.

While my parents were undoubtedly strict, K8e, you need to understand that in those days people held the primitive notion that the role of an adult was to discipline and instruct their children. This was prior to the revolutionary discovery that effective parenting was actually meant to be premised on worshiping offspring as minor deities, cowering in their presence, constructing shrines in their honor and showering them with material goods and unconditional praise.

Regardless, despite the occasional unanticipated organ harvest and stern talking to, I can assure you that I had a damned fine childhood filled with laughter, flinching and robust games of blind man’s bluff.

I do apologize if my writing offended you, K8e. And don’t you worry about your height. You may have a diminutive stature but it’s clear to me that nothing goes over your head.

All the best. Hope to hear from you again.

Don

teenagers have changed in time but we aren’t suppose to have common sense., I have a tattoo of a face on my hip. I regret getting it because it looks ugly from a needle and ink, but i can’t wait to get more. Like is about expressing yourself and thats one way to do it, or we could go throw bags of flamming dog crap at your doorsteps, i think doing with our bodies what we want is a better outcome don’t you? – Angry Teenager

Many thanks Angry Teenager,

While I’m not sure I agree that young people are supposed to be entirely devoid of common sense, I admit you prove your theory well and that you seem to be living a life dedicated to the fulfillment of that principle. Your interest in getting additional tattoos is a perfect example. As you likely know, doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result is the very antithesis of common sense.

Well done for walking the damned walk.

I admit to being somewhat distressed that the only two forms of self-expression you identify as being readily available to young people today are self-mutilation and setting fire to bags of dog feces. Are there no paint by number sets anymore? Coloring inside the lines according to a pre-ordained numerical sequence is all the self-expression any damned young person really needs. Anything more leads to dangerous notions, unruly hairstyles and a preponderance of dirty dancing.

However, if “ink” it must be then I would recommend you consider getting a tattoo of a hip on your face – not only would it add some measure of balance but it could be considered “ironic” (a concept you young people seem to hold in high regard).

Similarly, if you decide that throwing flaming bags of dog stool at the doors of kindly seniors is needed, my recommendation would be to postpone setting them alight until after you’ve used them as projectiles. I believe you’ll find the concept to be more entertaining if you aren’t the one that ends up with 3rd degree burns and covered in charcoal-broiled poodle poop. It’s not rocket science, Angry Teenager, just good old fashioned common sense.

Good luck and thanks for dropping me a line.

Don

Just because your old doesn’t mean you should be putting down young people? Were the ones putting up with your type in hospitals? You don’t even know every single kid? What gives yous that right to make a fair judgement? Did you have problems as a kid or something? Were you made fun of? No wonder why, go die – des.

Thank you Des,

On behalf of seniors everywhere I thank you for your ongoing tolerance of old people in hospitals. I realize it must be frustrating to wait hours in an emergency room to get the barbiturates pumped from your stomach or have a misplaced sex toy removed from the hidden depths of your rectum while some selfish senior is undergoing emergency quadruple bypass surgery.

Now it’s true, Des, that I don’t know every young person on the planet. I am dedicated to doing so but there are presently 73 that continue to elude me. Once I am able to track them down and observe them in their natural habitat, I believe I will finally have the incontrovertible evidence I need to prove my fair judgments true and be able to conclusively state once and for all that young people are nothing but god damned trouble.

I shall cross you off my list, Des. I appreciate your saving me the trouble of sleuthing, map-questing and the cost of an inter-state bus ticket.

Best regards and good luck in the future.

Don

Tips for Damned Young People: How to Find a Summer Job

Now that summer has arrived, I offer some sage advice for any damned young person that may actually be considering hauling their ass out of bed and looking for a job.

Tip #1 – Have Realistic Goals

Chances are that if you’re under 25 the closest you’ve come to demonstrating any measure of responsibility is remembering to rotate your bong water on a weekly basis so don’t be assuming that some head hunter is going to magically appear at your front door begging you to become the vice-president of “product pimping” at Ass-Crack Clothing or looking for you to lead up the Space Program at NASA.

Try to remember that you’re unlikely to land a six figure summer income with stock options if your resume is thinner than Karen Carpenter and your only previous source of income was a weekly allowance.

Consider your abilities, your education and your natural interests and look for work that suits your skill set. For example, a toll booth operator may be a logical fit if, like most young people, you have a predilection for sitting on your ass all day while taking money from other people.

Tip #2 – Forget the Damned Hipster Jobs

Face facts – you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting an unemployed web designer or freelance anarchist and every metrosexual poindexter with an ironic t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans has already applied to become the “barista” at your local coffee shop.

Consider a sensible job like chimney sweeping, wheel tapping or flax heckling. And while you’re at it, ask yourself if slinging coffee would hold the same cache if it weren’t for the pompous job title. If it makes you feel better, you can always take a job flipping whoppers, grow a wispy goatee and call yourself a god damned “Burgerista.”

Tip #3 – Don’t Count on Nepotism

Chances are the reason your old dad works 12 hours a day is because he wants to put as much distance between the two of you as possible. He needs his down time and sure as hell doesn’t want you traipsing around his office showing his coworkers your latest belly piercing, undiagnosed rash or complaining about how he won’t pay for your IUD.

A man’s workplace is meant to be a sanctuary from the spirit-crushing grind of family life so show it the respect it deserves and don’t be pressuring him to land you an entry level position surfing the internet searching for Lolcats, Beiber haircut updates and fancy pants barista schools.

Break out the “Help Wanted” pages and get your own damned job.

Tip #4 – Take a Critical Look at your use of Social Media

If your last status update was “Third DUI of the year!!! 😦 ” chances are you’re an unemployable halfwit who needs to make some serious damned changes to his life.

Update your religious affiliation from “Satanist” to something less asinine and don’t have your profile picture be a cannabis leaf, sex toy or member of Motley Crue. Try to remember that nothing puts off a potential employer faster than seeing a list of interests that includes “flash mobbing”, “genital shaving” and/or “Hello Kitty.”

And while we’re on the subject of the interwebs, for the love of Christ don’t be looking for work or applying for jobs on-line. The only people who have ever found paying work over the internet are con-men and prostitutes. And chances are you’re not qualified to be either.

Tip #5 – Get the Competitive Edge

There are a million other miscreants out there looking for work so give yourself the competitive edge and un faux your hawk, purchase some bar soap and brush up on communicating in full sentences instead of rude utterances and naval gazing tweets. If you learn to string together 10 coherent words that don’t include “random”, “epic” or “meh” that should elevate you into the top 3 percentile of teenaged job hunters.

You might also want to consider practicing working at home. Granted, you may think your parents enjoy acting as your valets but I’m sure they’d be happy to let you make your bed, clean the kitchen or wash your own damned underpants if they felt it might help you become competitive in the job market and get you out from underfoot for a few hours a day.

Employ these few simple tips and you should be digging ditches, slopping chilli or mending fences in no time flat. Now get the Hell out there and get looking for work.

And before you ask, no, you can’t use me as a reference.

Damned Young People and their Summer Vacations Make Me Furious

Summer will soon be upon us and that means that once again gaggles of young people will be paroled from the education system and flood out into the streets to engage in eight weeks of mindless vandalism, unbridled hooliganism and senior-endangering acts of random skateboarding.

For the life of me, I have no idea what these young people have done to earn the right to two months of unadulterated indolence. It’s not like they’ve been dodging artillery shells on the front lines in Dunkirk for Christ’s sake. Far from it. As far as I can see their school days consist of little more than sitting on their asses, forming cliques, questioning authority and slowly eroding the principles of evolution – hardly the stuff you require an extended vacation to recover from.

When I was a lad we got the summer off school but it was no damned “vacation.” We were put to work before our dunce caps hit the floor or the lead in our pencils had cooled. I spent my first day of summer vacation getting a suntan while I tarred the roof – and that was just as a reward for not being held back a grade. After that, it was off to the trenches and 14-hours a day of pig bollocking, jute winding and rat catching.

But these days? Young people won’t consider work. They need the summer to “decompress” and have some “down time” to recharge their batteries, top up their bong water and complain that they’re bored and have nothing to do. It’s a dangerous proposition, damn it, and bad for America. You don’t see the commie kids taking the summer months off to snooze, booze and get tattoos. They’re all busy doing mandatory military service, working on beet farms and learning how to disassemble field rifles.

If young people have no intention of working, I see no reason to close schools at all. After all, if you’re an illiterate stump come the end of the June, 8-weeks of ice-lollies, doodlejumping and waterparks isn’t likely to add to your chances of becoming a contributing member of society. And while we’re at it, let’s scrap this 9 a.m. – 3 p.m. nonsense and force youngsters into a full day of education. Have them report in at 5 a.m. and then work until dusk with only one 20-minute break at midday to wipe the coal dust from their eyes, slug back a cup of joe and take a quick draw on an unfiltered cigarette.

It’s no damned wonder that America is dangling on the precipice of complete collapse – kids today are being raised to believe that a work ethic consists of 10 months of bland indifference followed by 2 months of reckless irresponsibility. Well I say enough! The time has come to end this summer vacation nonsense once and for all and lock our young people up in schools until they smarten up or grow up – whichever comes first.

Pen Pals for Senior Citizens

Everyone knows that senior citizens tend to be more socially isolated than other members of society. For the average old person, a lack of meaningful human interaction is a serious concern. Fortunately, opportunities to make new friends are as nearby as your desktop computer. Chances are if you have an email address, you have access to all kinds of potential pen pals who are very attentive to the needs of vulnerable seniors.

——————————————————————
Dear Friend Don Mills,

I am a woman of 82 years living with cancer and would like to do some charitable things for the needy before I pass away. I have lived a selfish life style which has left me with a guilt ridden conscience as I believe I didn’t play my part in helping humanity.

I have made up my mind to donate $15,000,000 to help the motherless, drug addicted and other less privileged persons. I implore you to please undertake this task for me as I am now too ill to manage it myself.

Should you agree, I will inform my legal adviser so that he can arrange the release of the funds to you. Naturally, I will see to it that you are handsomely rewarded based on an agreed percentage.

NB: I will appreciate your utmost secrecy in this matter until the task is carried out as I have a very cunning step son who would squander the money on gambling and womanizing.

Mrs Wendy Wright.

—————————————
My Dear Mrs. Wright,


I was deeply touched by your email and would be delighted to manage your estate. I too have lived a selfish lifestyle but, unlike you, don’t have a twinge of remorse. In fact, I feel pretty damned good about it.

My only request would be that you consider using a small portion of your estate toward the creation of an orthopaedic hospital for dachshunds with spinal injuries. As you can see from the attached photo, this is an issue both near and dear to my heart.

All the best,

Don Mills

—————————————
Dear Friend and Brother Don Mills,

Thanks you for your response. I am in agreement with your suggestion and will allow for 15% of my estate to be used to assist suffering dachshunds. I am a great lover of animals.

I have started preliminary discussions with my lawyer and will need some personal information from you to enable me to issue out a Power Of Attorney to my lawyer. Once that is done she will contact you swiftly.

What I require from you are;

1:A scanned copy of your international passport or driver’s license
2: Your home address
3:Your home phone numbers

Please send as soon as possible. I fear the end is near.

Await your reply.

Mrs. Wright

—————————-
Dear Mrs. Wright,

Pleased find attached a photographic scan of my passport. If you would be so kind as to return the favour and send me some snapshots of you in a bathing costume, I’d be eternally grateful.

Best regards,

Donald A. Mills

—————————————
Dear Brother Donald A. Mills,

Thank you for your latest email. However, the page I requested from your passport is the picture page. Please resend. As soon as it, I will have my lawyer to contact you.

I will await your swift response.

Your Sister,

Wendy.

—————————————
My Dearest Wendy,

My sincere apologies. Here is a photo per your request. It’s about 60 years old but if you draw some wrinkles on with a number 2 pencil it should turn out to be a nice likeness.

Your friend,

Donald A. Mills

—————————————
Dear Brother Donald,

I meant the inside of the passport with your information and the picture. Would it be easier for you send your driver’s licence instead? Time is of the essence.

Your Sister,

Wendy.

—————————————
Dear Wendy,

Regrettably, I seem to have misplaced my driver’s licence. And my car as well. However, I have attached my Buck Rogers Space Rangers membership card. I believe it is still valid and recognized by most levels of government.

Yours,

Don Mills

p.s. Can I assume by your silence on the matter that those swimwear photos of you will not be forthcoming?

—————————————
Dear Donald Mills,

Why don’t you just email your phone number and address immediately so that we may contact you to make further arrangements. Please do so TODAY.

God bless you,

Mrs. Wright.
—————————————

Dear Mrs. Wright,

Sorry, I missed that. What was it you want me to send? Here’s a photographic scan of my passport. Will that be of assistance?

Fond regards,

Don
—————————————

Dear Donald Mills,

Please email me your phone number and address immediately so that we may contact you to make further arrangements. Speed is of the essence.

God bless you,

Mrs. Wright.
—————————————

Dear Wendy,

Good news. I was able to locate my driver’s licence. It was in the vegetable crisper of the fridge right next to an old business card and some rather sketchy looking celery. Attached is a photo.

All the best,

Don

p.s. Is it possible to follow you on Twitter?
—————————————

Dear Don Mills,

Please stop sending photos!! I am nearing the end. PLEASE Email me your phone number and address immediately so that we may contact you to make further arrangements. Please act fast! I must have the information today or will need to look elsewhere for help.

God bless you,

Mrs. Wright.
—————————————

Dear Mrs. Wright.

You’ll have to excuse me if I’m getting a bit flustered. Per your request, I am attaching a photo of my telephone. I will sit next to it in anticipation of your call. I could also send a photo of my house if that would be helpful.

Best Regards,

Don
—————————————

Dear Don Mills,

Please send your PHONE NUMBER and MAILING ADDRESS. NO more photos!!!

Mrs. Wright.
—————————————

My Dearest Wendy,

My sincere apologies for the ongoing confusion. Your patience in this matter is deeply appreciated.

I’d be delighted to send my phone number but, much to my embarrassment, must confess that my phone service has recently lapsed. Regrettably some rather foolish investments and reckless home shopping network purchases (I now have 6 George Forman grills and enough Joan Rivers jewellery to outfit a small army of French prostitutes) have left me in rather dire financial straits. See attached photo.

My financial situation is sadly grim, Wendy. I have no savings, no income and no meat with which to grill. I realize we are little more than strangers, Wendy, but I feel you are a kindred spirit and wonder if you might consider marriage? I’m told I’m not unattractive and am reasonably tolerant of women. I must warn you, however, that this marriage would be one of companionship only. I’m beyond the age of sexual hijinks and have no interest in anything that might be unseemly, sordid or result in a displaced hip.

I would, however, be open to having you cook and clean for me.

I look forward to your favourable reply and freedom from the filth and squalor in which I currently reside.

Your brother and future husband,

Don
—————————————

Wendy?

Are you there?

Here’s a photographic scan of my passport. I trust that will help.

Best regards,

Don

Repost: The Trouble with Young People (Board Game Edition)

My apologies but I’ve been too busy to write anything new this week. It’s Spring and an old man’s fancy turns to waving his niblick at damned young people riding on skateboards.

Fun for the whole damned family!

board game 7-1 final

The instructions:

board game v7 instructions

Let the games begin.

Attention All Staff!

I’m getting sick and tired of the second rate customer service we seniors receive at the hands of inarticulate, incompetent and inattentive young people.

In response, I’ve printed off a dozen of copies of the following flier and respectfully requested that local businesses post them in their damned staff rooms.