God Damned Germ-Free Adolescents Get Under My Skin
The problem with young people today is that they’ve never been exposed to germs.
When I was a lad, young people weren’t concerned about microbes, germs, bacteria and other invisible, spaced-aged hokum. We ran about with scraped knees, open cuts and played happily in the mud puddles that formed where the run-off from the abattoir met the drainage pipe from the munitions factory.
I had a trail of snot running down my face from the age of three until I graduated high school and so did all of my friends. We didn’t use Kleenex or sneeze into our damned elbows. We coughed with our mouths wide open, wiped our slippery beaks on each other’s shirt sleeves and were stronger for it.
But these young people today? They’re a bunch of pandemic-fearing, pasty-faced hothouse flowers. Everything they touch needs to be scrubbed clean, germ-free and bathed in antiseptic lotions. From their damned hypoallergenic cats to their HEPA-filtered air and germ resistant fabrics, the average home is more sterile than an episode of Full House.
How the Hell do we expect young people to fight off the communism if they’ve never even had to fight off the common cold? It’s ludicrous.
In my day, young people were encouraged to get sick. If a lad had the grippe he was sent outside to take some air – not submerged in Purell, dosed with antibiotics and rushed to the hospital for a complete blood transfusion. We let our immune systems do what God intended them to do – kill our germs or kill us and thin the damned herd.
By the time I was a young man my immune system was so strong I could cure my brother’s rubella just by standing next to him. I haven’t been sick in 50 years and it’s not because I soak my vegetables in bleach, it’s because I pick a damned tomato out of my garden, rub it on my trousers and then eat it cutworms and all.
Take it from me – if these young people really want to beat disease the best thing they can do is get out of their hermetically sealed homes, shed their latex gloves and N95 surgical masks and go muck out a stable or two. And if they don’t, it won’t be long before we’re nothing but a nation of asthmatic bubble boys who’ll drop over dead the first time they eat a piece of cheese 3 days past its expiry date.
They’ve never been exposed to germs. That’s the problem with young people today.
The Problem with Young People Today Is... 
Sad ain’t it?
I got more damned germs under just one of my stinky yellow toenails than these kids have on their whole damned hairless bodies.
Now when we take communion at church, the folks holding the bread have to ‘sanitize’ first!
Ya’ think Jesus had hand sanitizer?
Many thanks Sekanblogger,
Indeed it is sad.
I wonder if this hairlessness you reference may also be a contributing factor? Back in my day a lad had a thick pelt of chest hair before he was done public school. Not only did it keep us warm and cut down on the winter clothing budget but I suspect it may have trapped germs before they were able to do us any harm.
These damned young people today are all shaved down, oiled up and slathered in pimple cream, body mists and Purell lotions. They’re slippery and hairless (like seals only without the ability to amuse us by balancing a ball on their nose). They have no natural protection from the elements or airborne toxins.
Now, I should caution that although this sounds highly scientific it is just a theory at this point. I suspect, however, that in time I will be proven right.
All the best,
Don
get over it
I don’t care if I get dirty and I’m 11. Ha stupid elders your just talking about your selfs on this website!
In my day, if kids got a little scrape, we rubbed some dirt in it and moved on with our lives. There is absolutely nothing better for a young person than dirt, unless its beatings from their elders or hard work. Good job Don.
Many thanks Phynx and welcome.
I absolutely agree. I spent my entire childhood covered in a fine layer of dirt. We all did. My mother used to hose us down before she’d let us in the house for dinner.
I didn’t even know I had freckles until I was 17 and washed my face in anticipation of a job interview.
All the best and thanks for stopping in.
Don
By God, dirt is good for you. http://healingmagichands.wordpress.com/2007/04/19/go-play-in-the-dirt/
Dear Mr. Mills,
As a make-believe medical doctor I must say you have certainly hit the nail on the head with this post.
I do not understand not only the kids these days but their helicopter parents constantly hovering to apply purell, antiseptics, antibiotics, etc. I think this new generation will be the generation of bubble girls and boys.
We dropped candy on the sidewalk? We weren’t letting that go to waste! One kiss up to “god” and it went right into our mouths. When I used to smoke and didn’t have any money for a new pack, we’d pick up half smoked cigs off the street and light up. (ok, I stopped that habit, but still…..)
My darling nephews can’t have nuts, can’t be near my dog, can’t do anything without getting a “Karen Silkwood” shower! And they still are always sick, always allergic, always needing inhalers! What is up with that?
My prescription for them? Go, play, get dirty! Their health depends on it.
Kind Regards,
Dr. King
Thank you very much Dr. King.
“Make-believe medical doctor”? I wish I had known that before I took your anti-ass chapping prescription to heart. Still, it seems to have worked out so I suppose I have no reason to complain.
And despite your lack of legitimate medical credentials, I suspect your current prescription is also right on the money. I’m going to share your comment with my family physician, Dr. Skippy Shand, and suggest he consider replacing the hand sanitizer in his office with a bag of communal compost.
His patients may balk at first but in the long run they’ll thank him for it.
All the best, Carol, and thanks for visiting with me.
Don
We always employ the 3-second rule when things get dropped. They actually did research on this and discovered that if you pick up food within 5 seconds of it being dropped it hadn’t had time to pick up many germs. So there.
Hear, hear, Don. Latest I heard is that some British fella with disabling asthma learned that in parts of the world where hookworm is everywhere, no one has allergies, so he went and waded around in some equatorial mud puddles and cured himself. At last notice he was exporting hookworms.
Now my personal feeling is that no one needs to go this far but is people would let their children roll around in the dirt, which is what we all came from according to the oldest sources, things would develop as they should. Also the kids wouldn’t be under my nose in every shop and public building I enter. Win-win.
Thank you sledpress,
I hadn’t heard of this British lad but me more damned young people would be wise to splash around in mud puddles (equitorial or otherwise). Not only would it bulk up there immune systems but I seem to recall it’s a Hell of a lot of fun.
And I absolutely agree. If young people were out frolicking in the dirt like nature intended I wouldn’t be tripping over the little buggers every time I went shopping for a loaf of rye bread.
Win-win indeed.
All the best,
Don
Mom made us play with the sick kids…for that very reason. We didn’t really get suspicious until she put us in the room with the crazy crayon eating girl that played in her own excrement. We didn’t really need to be “cured” of that one.
Many thanks morethananelectrician,
I never enjoyed the taste of crayon and don’t recommend playing with excrement (be it yours or anyone else’s) but it sounds as though she had your best interests at heart.
I hope you got her something nice for Mother’s Day, lad.
All the best,
Don
One good bout of bird flu and they are all out of here!!!!!!!
Thank you Frigginloon,
Precisely the problem. And what the hell kind of sorry-assed pandemic bird-flu anyway. If we’re catching our death from crows with chest colds it’s a sure sign that something has gone horribly awry.
All the best,
Don
Back when I was young, I caught chicken pox and I was put in a room with my brother. They forced him to get it too and made us both sweat it out for a week. Nowadays we put kids in isloation bubbles and give them innoculations for goose bumps.
Well done Mr. Mills.
Thank you bmj2k,
I believe that was a common (and in my view sensible) practice. Best to get everyone in the house done with it as quickly as possible. Plus, it made sure you had someone to play with while you were stuck at home covered in damned spots.
Many thanks bmj2k. Always a pleasure to hear from you.
Best regards,
Don
Mr. Mills—I say you shouldn’t trust anyone who doesn’t have at least one scar on his forehead from scratching off a chicken pox scab in his youth. And if I can’t give my cat a flat-out kiss on the lips, then this is a world in which I no longer want to live.
Thank you TexasTrailerParkTrash,
I think that’s a very wise rule of thumb and I will add it to my other guidelines on how to determine if someone is trustworthy. This would include never trusting someone who hasn’t over-seeded a lawn, baited a hook, changed a spark plug or written a 3-page letter by hand. There are more, obviously, but I’m sure you get the idea.
Now go ahead and kiss you cat. The worst you’ll get is an odd look from anyone who happens to be passing by.
All the best and thanks for stopping in.
Don
I’m not the best example here. I’m small and have a weak immune partly from being born around a month prematurely. Not complaining, just pointing out. Possibly due to that or coincidently I have always been short and rather sick. (Mind you I’m still active I just get sick more often, always have.)
So I wash my hands often, bath often and take herbs to strengthen my immune system in conjunction with regular exercise.
Yes I do have allergies. But so did my father and my Grandma. Doesn’t mean I don’t go outside but it has an affect.
Despite the “Sissifaction” You refer to, antibiotics and sanitation extends life and preserves a lot of it. Hell, It if were not for modern antibiotics I’d have died in a hospital at two from a lung and infection.
So I have to disagree, respectfully. I work with clay I get my hands dirty but, I keep clean if it makes sense.
Many thanks Rose,
I appreciate your perspective, Rose, and thank you for sharing it with me.
I agree that antibiotics have done a Hell of a lot of good. I’m just a little concerned that they’re overused. It seems every time someone has a scratchy throat they’re dosed up with penicillin when all they really need is a wee rest and a couple of hot toddies.
Still, I’d never suggest denying medicine or medical treatment to a bairn with a lung infection.
All the best, Rose.
Don
Mr. Mills, I have to agree with you. My daughter nicked herself with scissors, and within 12 hours we were in the emergency room for blood poisoning. Who ever heard of getting an infection from a pair of scissors?
Were those the scissors I used to clean out the gunk trapped beneath grandpa’s gangrenous toenails? If so, I’m really sorry about your daughter’s hospital trip. I thought wiping them down with a tissue afterwards would do the trick…..
Possibly, Nurse Myra! Yeegads! I’ve taken to putting the scissors into the dishwasher after Grandpa gets a hold of them.
Many thanks Jean Has Been Shopping.
I’ve certainly never heard of getting blood poisoning from a pair of scissors. That’s quite something. Nurse Myra’s explanation seems like the only plausible explanation. Everyone knows you need to rinse them off under warm water for a good 30 seconds after clipping gangrenous toenails.
I hope your daughter recovered without incident.
All the best,
Don
this post was pack a punch hilarious! not too mention very astute for an old timer with possibly aging eyesight.
Reminds me of a TV commerical I saw a while ago for hand sanitizer (a water free chemical cleaning concoction that would be unheard of in your day), the examples they showed of where one would need such a thing were hilarious, if not educational, like after receiving change at the check out, before taking a trolly around the supermarket etc etc…it was neurotic
In fact this whole topic has inspired me to take The Boy outside right now and see if I cant get him to roll around in some dog shit or something…
Thank you kindly RubyTwoShoes,
I haven’t seen that particular commercial but I certainly know the type. I fully expect that within a few years everyone will be wearing antiseptic gelatinous body suits whenever they venture out of doors. It will be a 1950’s horror movie come to life.
I’m glad you’ve been inspired to take the boy out of doors. If you find yourself short of dog crap let me know – my new wee dog is churning it out at an alarming rate.
All the best and thanks for stopping in.
Don
As a card carrying member of the OCDA (of which I am the only known member although I did recently send Scott Oglesby an invitation), I feel I could comment extensively on this subject. I was told as a youngster that I was possibly “over-read and over wrought.” That, combined with my vivid imagination, causes me to visualize all sorts of scenarios of ‘where’ peoples hands ‘could’ have been. Since I know you to be fond of letter writing, Don, I will copy/paste a recent letter I e-mailed to both Whole Foods and to the Clark County Health Dept. here in Las Vegas:
“I recently moved to a new location in Las Vegas and shopped at the closest Whole Foods (Town Center) this evening. Shortly after entering the store, I came across an astonishing sight: there was a large plastic receptacle near the produce department that was partitioned for snack food. The scooper handles were immersed in the snack items!! Hundreds of customers had handled the scoopers and the handles were now either buried in the food or resting on the food. Since I am a registered nurse, I naturally thought of all the pathogens that could be lurking on the handles: E. coli, Norwalk virus, hepatitis, H1N1, common cold viruses, pus from handling herpetic or syphilitic genitalia (sorry, this really happens!!)…the list goes on and on. The snack food items I observed was not food that could be washed! I immediately brought this to the attention of the evening supervisor who assured me she would pass it along to the day manager and team and who seemed genuinely concerned. Can you please pass my comments along to corporate as this may be a national problem?”
Remarkably, nothing was done and Clark County issued a health violation. Whole Foods pledged to change their bulk dispensing system. I guess my point of sharing this is that most people don’t (needn’t) care about run-of-the-mill dirt. It’s the nastier, virulent critters one needs to worry about. If you ask me, I don’t see enough concern. A guy will readily flat-palm a tire that has road-kill residue on it, not think to wash his hands and use that same hand to scoop up granola, nuts or trail-mix at Whole Foods. I worry much more about the adults then the kids.
There must be some happy medium between my ‘what if’ and your common sense approach. Another stellar post, Don.
I’m glad you posted this as there is dirt and there is ‘ DIRT’ . As a kid we’d dig worms out of the pig pen and then go fishing. I doubt if we washed our hands properly back then. We were so anxious to go fishing we’d get those worms dug out as quickly as possible so that we wouldn’t get left behind. We’d catch fish, gut them and think nothing of cooking them there and then. Nobody ever got sick from it either. Having said that I did get a good dose of E coli a few years back and was sick for months. I bought plums from the Queen Victoria Market and as you do rubbed them on my t shirt to get the dust off. I’m sure that was the cause. I do now use hand sanitisers when out shopping and think about each and every toilet door I open being covered in millions of germs. I know for a fact that some women don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom and I for one won’t be touching that handle. Menstruating women are a huge concern when it comes to touching door handles after going to the loo. Ewh!
Our supermarkets used to have a salad bar where you helped yourself to what ever size container you desired. People coughing and spluttering and handling the utensils was such a turn off I couldn’t stand the thought of eating it.
I do believe we molly coddle our kids too much though when they are small. We need to develop the immune system to be able to cope with lots of germs we come in contact with but common senses does need to prevail.
Don the green snotty nose didn’t sound the best either.
You remind me of one of those boys mum told me not to play with.
She must have forgotten about us digging ‘those worms’.
Many thanks Celtic Queen,
Quite honestly, between you and Elizabeth I don’t think I’ll ever manage to eat again. After reading about spluttering on salad, menstrual germs and syphilitic genitalia I’m absolutely shell-shocked. Needless to say my dinner tonight was limited to a double rye.
Many thanks for the comment, Celtic Queen. Like Elizabeth’s, it was most certainly enlightening.
All the best,
Don
HAHA! Menstrual germs! I agree about the dirt. I’m not really concerned about real dirt or playing in mud or gardening.
I only really get careful around uncooked meat, before eating, exposed food like in Elizabeths description and shaking hands with a security guard.*…
1) Imagine what they’d have on their hands after throwing out drunks from a bar or shop…don’t think the type of people that get kicked out of places care about washing their hands after using the bathroom..
But we live in a VISUAL materialistic society that only cares about the dirt they can see when that’s the good stuff! Also a good amount of vitamin D in the fresh air..
That’s scary! I may have shopped that Whole Foods!
Oh crud. Sorry, Mr. Mills. I put my comment in the wrong area.
Best be careful, Jean. That doesn’t sound entirely hygenic.
Don
That’s nothing. Last time I was at Whole Foods, I stuck my face into a couple of those help-yourself, ready-to- eat, steam trays and ate food right out of them like a pig in a trough.
It was most certainly “ready to eat”. Very yummy stuff!
Good Christ!!!
Syphilitic genitalia, menstrual germs, spluttering on salad and now pig troughing! It’s not quite the Four horsemen of the apocalypse but it’s pretty damned close.
All the best Sedate me.
Don
Thank you Elizabeth,
Sorry for the delay in responding but I’ve been busy burning bags of trail mix and bulk peanuts in my backyard.
“pus from handling herpetic or syphilitic genitalia.”
Good God.
How much handling does syphilitic genitalia require? And who the hell is doing the handling? This is all extremely disturbing. You can be sure that I’ll never look at my loose nuts the same way again.
True or not, I think I can safely say you’ve put me off bulk foods for the balance of my life. In fact, I’m not sure when I might next have an appetite for food in general.
I appreciate the comment. While I’ve never been averse to running across the occasional germ, you’ve certainly given me plenty to chew on (in an entirely figurative manner.)
All the best. Another stellar comment if I do say so myself.
Don
p.s. Excellent letter!
Mr Mills,
The more you know about modern food system REALLY works, (from factory farm to mass processing to retail/restaurant food handling) the more you want to plant a garden, raise chickens in your back yard, cook all your own food and do whatever you can to detach yourself from the system. I don’t want to get into the gory details, but “syphilitic genitalia” doesn’t even crack the Top 10 concerns.
It ain’t Old MacDonald’s farm anymore. It’s more like McDonalds & Frankenstein Enterprises Inc. These huge multi-nationals are playing God, cutting corners, cranking out low quality shit and….it’s staffed almost entirely with YOUNG PEOPLE!
It’s a combination Satan himself looks upon with jealousy.
I have accepted Elizabeth; I just have to wait exactly 4 days and 4 hours to reply. Etiquette and all…
Good afternoon (from here), sir,
Apparently, my dorm managers have figured out a way to solve this problem by rooming three regular people with a filthy pig (figuratively) every year. I now say that if your three roommates are clean, then you’re the filthy pig.
Jonathan Ferxist
Many thanks young Mr. Ferxist,
I can sympathize. I spent most of my early life sharing a room with my 2 brothers and lived in a number of dorm-type situations. And you’re right, it seems that no matter who is organizing the living arrangements they always manage to slip one figurative pig into the mix.
Still, not only does it solve the problem at hand and ensure that you are exposed to all manner of dirt and germs at an early age, in my experience it also instils a deep appreciation for solitude, order and quiet. And in the end, I think developing that appreciation may have been worth the price of cohabitation (barely).
All the best and thanks for visiting. It’s always good to hear from you Jonathan.
Don
I couldn’t agree more Don. I was never sick as a kid, but we damn sure didn’t disinfect the damn toaster every hour either.
When I moved here I was shocked and appalled at the local butcher shop. They used the same knives to cut everything, never washed off the counters, or their hands, and handled the money. The meat doesn’t even seem to be any colder than the 80 degree air.
After the first few weeks of having the runs, I now have an iron stomach. None of these 90 year olds ever get sick either…they may die occasionally, but they damn sure don’t get sick.
And the worst thing about all of this compulsive obsessiveness in the Americas is that I’m sure that they are breeding a superbug that is going to kill us all.
Many thanks Scott,
It’s amazing what the human body can do and endure when it’s actually asked to put itself to work. I’m sure your digestive system appreciates the work out.
In my opinion, that supersized superbug is just around the corner and is going to kick our collective asses into next week. It’s just a matter of time.
All the best Scott.
Don
Dear Mr Mills, I agree with more in this post than in any other post of yours that I have so far read! (Even though I’m asthmatic and allergic to dust, wattle and most furry animals; especially dogs.) All this anti-septic this that and the other and over prescribing of antibiotics just leaves us with immune systems either damaged or without practice. I must admit I would have felt compelled to wipe your snotty nose had I seen it. That reminds me: I have had a nose ring for about twenty-five years and so far I have not caught my toothbrush in it. Yours sincerely, Miss Eyeball.
Many thanks Miss Eyeball,
I’m delighted that we see eye to eye (my apologies) on this particular issue. I’m quite sincere in my belief that we’d all be much better off if we spent a little more time allowing ourselves to get good and dirty (in a clean sense, of course) and do fear that our immune systems have become more than a little lazy.
And I’m very pleased to know that you’ve been gone a full quarter century without catching your toothbrush in your nose ring. It’s not the first time you’ve given me reason to call one of my preconceived notions into question.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
Hail Don! Sorry to have been awol for a while, we crept off to an isolated cottage in Scotland to avoid the britland general election bollocks, then came back to all the hoohhaa about a hung parliament (yep, hang all the little b*l&sh1t£rs in my opinion, very high!)
There was a theory orbiting the health care networks some years ago that exposure to lots of mild-to-moderate toxins in childhood/adolescence stimulated the immune system to be very effective at fighting off any new foreign items in adult life; sperm included! (Honestly) Thus, over-protected kids do not have the ability to either make (male) or oust (female) proper sperm leading to proliferation of useless kids for the next time round!
Many thanks Dave.
That’s one Hell of a theory. I was in full agreement up until the half way point of the proposition – then sperm got dragged into it and I just got uncomfortable.
Regardless, good to know that people are giving this some consideration.
I can’t say I blame you for wanting to avoid the nonsense that accompanies any general election. The pompous windbagging can get extremely tiring.
It looks like you’re going to have some interesting times ahead while those politicians try to sort themselves out.
All the best Dave and thanks for stopping in.
Regards,
Don
Don, when does interesting becoming boring as hell? Cos it has already IMHO and left britland looking like a banana republic!
I don’t know, Dave, but I always find it amusing when politicians are running about scrambling to form alliances, deciding which principles they can toss in order to curry favor and generally trying to figure out which end is up. But you’re right; it can get tiring pretty quickly.
I suppose it’s somewhat easier to tolerate when you are a casual observer from overseas.
Yeah, Mr Mills, I love watching that too.
In British Parliamentary systems, Minority Government is absolute torture for politicians. It deprives them of the one thing they want more than anything, absolute power (and the absolute corruption that comes with it is also worth mentioning).
They can’t just ram whatever they feel like down our throats for 5 years the way they normally do. They actually have to compromise and be on their best behaviour, lest the other parties find a good excuse to evict them out on a moment’s notice.
It’s a wonderful change of pace to see these guys suffer at our hands instead of the other way around. It’s wonderful to see these guys worry about their future on a daily basis.
I want it to last forever.
Mr Donald; I am finding the britland politicking hugely amuzing for all the reasons that “sedate me”, who must by from this Island, gives. If they make us do it again inside the next 3 years (general erection that is) the public will take revenge, I do so hope!
Sorry if this is off-topic Mr Mills.
Like a few others here, I am a Canadian colonial. We have the system you gave us. We’ve had two Minority Governments in a row. It ain’t perfect, and the media sure doesn’t know what to do with it, but I can’t tell you how rewarding it is to see the jerks in charge struggle daily with the fact they can’t just do whatever they want without risking it all.
If I’m not mistaken, you Brits, us Canadians, and the Americans are the only (semi-) civilized nations that exclusively use the archaic, First-Past-The-Post election system. It’s a bit different for the Americans, but in our system, First-Past-The-Post routinely gives 100% of the power to parties that can’t even get 50% of the 50% of the population that still bothers to vote to vote for their party.
Like with so many other modern things, (ie education) it rewards failure and inadequacy, in this case with unfettered access to the power of a nation.
In this election, you beat the odds and managed to give them all what little they deserved. With any luck, your next Parliament will change the electoral system for the better. Good luck.
Did I say Canada has had 2 Minority Governments in a row? I meant 3 in a row, dating back to 2004.
How the time flies when you get to watch politicians suffer.
Ah, the identity of sedate me comes clear! Sorry Don to highjack an otherwise excellent post, I will shut up now!
I blame my parents for starting the craze. When I was a kid, you got a scrape and they sprayed that stinging crap BACTINE all over it. “Blow on my damn elbow if you are going to put that shit on it”
Then there was merthiolate if you got a cut. “Who is that kid with all the orange on his body”
Thank you Bearman,
I don’t know that I’d blame your parents entirely but it appears they were certainly complicit in getting us to the damned sorry place we are today.
If I scraped my elbow the best I got was a whack on the head for bloodying my shirt.
All the best, Bearman, and thanks for stopping in.
Don
I agree. And you even had real diseases to worry about in your day: Leprosy, Tuberculosis, Polio, Small Pox, Scarlet Fever and Guinea Worm Disease. Not some lame ass E-Coli or Salmonella. “Ohhh my tummy hurts and I have the runs.” Nobody is having their legs fall off or their faces disfigured by a flesh eating bacteria. Not commonly anyways. There’s no E-Coli Camps or Salmonella Hospitals. The only “epidemics” today come from too much KFC and Pizza Hut, or sticking pecker where it doesn’t belong.
On the other hand, can you blame these parents with the current state of the healthcare system in the United States? I got a yearly check up a few weeks ago. They charged me $150 to draw my blood, and another $200 for the results. I can only imagine the bill if I was actually sick.
Thank you DJ,
That Guinea Worm Disease was a nasty piece of work. There’s something about parasites have sex in your stomach and then burrowing their way to freedom via your feet that will put you off your breakfast. (Still, none of the others you referenced are a walk in the park either.)
And while I take your point on medical costs, I can’t help but think that if parents let their sprogs roll around in the dirt a little bit they wouldn’t have to be pumping them full of antibiotics and purchasing them all manner of puffers and de-weezers. Sticking a carrot in the kids mouth instread of a slice of KFC would likely help too.
All the best, DJ. Always good to hear from you.
Best regards,
Don
Hi Don,
I missed out on this post last night. I went to bed feeling that something in my life was askew and the universe was topsy-turvy. Around 1:00am, I awoke with a panicky feeling. What on earth was wrong? Then, it hit me. I had not had my Sunday night COF fix! This morning, in a cold sweat, I hurried to my Toshiba and turned it on. I was ready to feed the COF monkey on my back. However, once again, Suddenlink was OUT! No! No! No! Just as I was about to make a trip into town to read them the riot act, I saw Jerry Springer appear on my television screen. I was estactic. Not because I’m a Springer fan (although, must admit that I was at one time before all the guests on his show began to look a little too scripted), I was happy to know that my cable/internet connection was back!
Now, all that jibberish out of the way, I want to tell you the secret of my health. Besides the unpasteruized-straight-from-Bossy-warm milk that we were served in my childhood, I had a Mom who threw very little away. We were po’ folk. We had no clue what “disposable” or “expiration date” meant. Hell, we didn’t even know there were such terms. My Mom reheated a meal as many times as it took for it all to be consumed. Serious molding was the only justification for tossing out food. And, it had to be SERIOUSLY molded….not just a speck of white/green on a corner of something like cheese or bread. That crap had to be so molded that it looked like she had made some kind of frothy greenish white icing. In some cases, we had items in our fridge that looked like they were decorated for St Paddy’s day (even thought it was June, August, November, etc). So, to sum up this long comment…..we ate our share of mold. Yes, mold! But, then, what is penecillian? So, I believe that we, without knowing it, ate a lot of penicillian in it’s pre-packaged pill stage.
I attribute my health to unpasteruized milk and moldy food! Add in the facts that , like you, we sneezed/coughed on each other. And, it’s seriously hard to determine just exactly what we had under our fingernails after catching night crawlers, digging for “gold”, and touching/petting/feeding the hogs, chickens, cows, dogs and cats.
Damn kids today….they are just too damn clean!
Your faithful friend (and constant stalker),
TPB
Many thanks TPB,
It sounds like your mother had a good deal of common sense. In fact, she sounds a good deal like my old mom.
It wasn’t uncommon for us to eat the same meal (in slightly different forms) for days on end. It was considered a fairly significant crime for food to end up in the garbage. If you didn’t finish every morsel on your plate (and it was rare that we didn’t) the remains went back into the pot and were served again at the next meal. I suspect most people nowadays would find that a fairly horrifying notion.
And while I didn’t seek out moldy cheese or slightly whiffy milk, I consumed more than my share of both over the years and never suffered any harm.
Always a pleasure to hear from you TPB. Thanks so much for visiting.
Warm regards,
Don
As usual Mr Mills, I totally agree.
Leftovers were once a staple. Wasting anything, but especially food, was considered a crime. Everything was recycled into new meals or found new life as something else, if only pig slop. For example, I saw on a TV show the other day that “whiffy milk” and other deteriorating foodstuffs make for great old fashioned, home-made, beauty creams that cost a fraction of that fancy crap and without all the harsh chemicals.
Today, most food is junk food, borderline garbage to begin with, and people treat it that way. Swallow as much as you can stomach and put the rest in the garbage. Consume and waste. Consume and waste. No wonder everyone’s up to the gills in debt. These spoiled rotten brats don’t know how to live as poor as they really are.
I was raised eating food right out of the garden, cutting the mold off of cheese that had “gone bad”, etc etc etc. We did not have merthiolate or bactine or neosporin or peroxide in our house, we had IMMUNE SYSTEMS that worked. Mine still works. As I pointed out in a comment above, dirt has been proven to have a natural mood elevator in it, http://healingmagichands.wordpress.com/2007/04/19/go-play-in-the-dirt/
In other studies it has been shown that children that have been raised in a too sterile environment are more likely to suffer from allergies and asthma later on in their lives.
This being said, a certain level of sanitation in public food supplies is necessary in order to prevent the spread of E Coli and hepatitis, but I think people have gotten WAY too paranoid.
Many thanks healingmagichands.
Well said.
Eating food right out of the garden is one of my fondest childhood memories. I remember coming home for lunch on summer days, heading straight to the garden and picking an armload of tomatoes. If I had the patience, I’d take them inside and make of a stack of sandwiches but 9 times out of ten I’d just park my ass on the grass and launch straight into them. I also remember picking apples off the neighborhood trees. While we’d check for worm holes, you did occasionally get a little protein with your snack.
I look forward to reading your article and will pop over and do so shortly.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
That’s the way it always was and was always meant to be, Mr Mills. That was, until those young whippersnappers ruined everything and turned it all into factory produced and big-box sold bullshit.
Food is just widgets now.
Dear Mr. Mills,
I agree with you completely. This Sunday, my newspaper had a promo pouch sticking to it. Inside the pouch was a sticky, gooey gel. “They” advised us to tear open the pouch and rub the contents of the pouch on our palms whenever we found ourselves in a “dangerous” situation. The advertisement displayed a woman carrying a huge basin – the alternate to their pouch! “Germs are everywhere” said the copy of the ad!
Let them be, I say. Make friends with them. They won’t harm you if you don’t hate them. When you hate them and try to steer clear of them – they feel bad, and then they strike with a vengeance!
These young people, they should know that…and if they don’t, they face a peril greater than drugs and piercings!
Thanks for your piercing post:)
Warm Regards,
Shafali
Thank you Shafali,
I’m usually a strong advocate of attempting to control people’s behavior through fear but this is really gets my goat. ‘Germs are everywhere” is hardly news nor is it cause for alarm. My understanding is that germs have always been “everywhere” and that people have for the most part been able to successfully manage our relationship with them.
I suppose that in the interest of selling “goo” however, the manufacturers will say whatever they feel they need to in order to move the damned stuff off the shelf.
All the best and thanks for stopping in.
Don
Don,
While I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiments in your post (these kids are more sterile than the episode where Joey gets a new set of moose ears, even!), that’s not why I’m writing.
I don’t want to alarm you, Don, but I think you need to contact the people over at WordPress ASAP. Without going into detail (what hasn’t killed you yet something something), it appears as though someone has recently hacked into your account, adding completely ludicrous/horrific image-triggering taglines to your post.
Now it’s probably just some cruel young person poking fun at your condition/age, but still. These days you just never know, and it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Always concerned for your safety,
Bschooled
My sincere thanks Bschooled.
Needless to say I was damn horrified and embarrassed when I read those taglines. I was preparing to dash a nasty email off to the bigwigs at wordpress when it occurred to me that in this case the problem likely wasn’t linked to teenage hackers.
Last summer I set up a wordpress account for my brother, York, and provided him with editorial rights in order that he could respond to comments while I enjoyed a week of fishing with my former friend Hubert Brockington (we ended our frienship after a dinner argument over a piece of bass).
I suspect that York is up to his usual shenanigans and sneaking uncouth taglines into my blog in order to amuse himself, mock me and potentially attract perverted interweb surfers to the site. (He is constantly scouring the comments here looking for loose women with whom he might “hook up.” I know for a fact that it was his amorous advances toward Miss Lily Fossil that influenced her decision to stop commenting).
I truly appreciate your drawing this to my attention and plan to set York right immediately.
Best regards and thanks again.
Your friend,
Don
Very observant, Mister Mills, and absolutely true to a word. It’s just a matter of time before people have airbags strapped to their ass and IV tubes full of sterilized liquid hooked into their wimpy little arms. And whatever happened to the “5 second” rule when food hits the floor? Now it’s a team of eco warriors in Tyvek suits setting up a disaster spill area. Yesterday my drunk brother-in-law dropped a hunk of elk meat on his mud-spattered kitchen floor, and we nearly bumped heads during the pickup-and-eat move. Kids today miss such magic moments . . . now excuse me while I check the fridge for some more worm-laden veggys. I’ve got an immune system to tweak! Great post!
Many thanks Dan,
Just curious…Is it red or white wine you’re supposed to serve with worm-laden veggies and mud-splattered elk meet? Neither I suspect; sounds more like a can of beer type meal to me.
Enjoy your dinner. I think it would be best if I checked in on you over the next couple of days (just as a caution and in case the “tweaking” doesn’t go as well as planned).
All the best, lad.
Don
Thanks, Don. I often need looking after, for my own good.
Hahaha! “Oh Bondage, Up Yours!”
You worry me, boy. You aren’t pals with that unseemly Lion Tamer, are you?
Steer clear of him. He’s bad news wrapped in an obituary and smothered in disrespect.
Indeed I am, Mr. Tanager. We’re both Germ Free Adolescents. Of sorts.
Thank you Alan,
I can’t be sure but bizarre non sequiturs may be a sign Guinea Worm Disease. I’d suggest you check your feet for blisters at once.
Best of luck.
Don
I thought they were a sign of Australian hookworms. Once again, I have been living in a fool’s paradise.
Still, the weather is always coconut and porkpie hats.
Don –
Yet again, you’ve provided incontrovertible evidence that today’s youth have it too good. With their coddled immune systems and communication devices linked to every orifice, they’ve become a generation in a bubble, as useless and wild-haired as a young John Travolta.
Why, with all their internetting around, they even stole the word “twitter” from us. Granted, it was pretty much a useless word, only used by local columnists profiling the latest rummage sale/Arbor Day celebration, but still, it was our word and we were proud to be all atwitter about Mrs. Moringshawl’s powerful new herbicide or Ray Gunther’s box of Tijuana Bibles.
But I digress. When I was a lad, we dealt with a myriad of diseases and injuries, all without the benefit of Band-Aids, spray-on disinfectants or sympathy.
When I was ten, I suffered a compound fracture during my 14-hour shift at the lumberyard. Our foreman stopped work temporarily to examine the problem. After a few minutes he determined that the fracture was the result of “operator error,” as my failure to spot several stripped and rusted gears had resulted in somewhat of an amateur log-rolling contest in which I was the only contestant, and therefore, also the loser.
I was instructed to limp home to rest and imbibe some cod liver oil and buckwheat. This magical combination would have me on my foot in no time, he said, and on both feet within a fortnight. It healed up just fine over the next 18 months, although the “freehand” knitting the bones did shaved nearly 1-1/2 inches off one leg and kept me from pursuing my dream as a world record pogo-sticker. (That it failed to keep me out of the military is somewhat of a mystery, but a war was on and our pogo sticks were needed at the front…)
It was everywhere. Jane lost an eye to an overenthusiatic jart player. Mel came down with scurvy during his parents’ boycott of United Fruits. Earle was on fire for three days before anyone considered putting him out. Jethro punctured his spleen while engaged as a chimney sweep. A primal strain of e coli wiped out Art and Edna, who had gone swimming in the old corpse-infested swimming hole. (Especially ironic for Edna, who only days earlier had dodged being the Swimming Hole Killer’s 10th victim.)
If we weren’t able to at least limp off these maladies, our parents and friend’s parents had no respect for us. Most of our elders were missing at least a digit or two, and were quietly wasting away with some combination of cancer, tapeworms or lead poisoning.
I’ve rambled on far too long, Don and haven’t even touched the subject of OCD-esque hand-washing or this generation’s insistence on clinging to the old wives’ tale that washing your food somehow makes it cleaner. (Not in our day it didn’t, what with lithium, lead and aspartame flowing out of our taps…)
Thanks for clearing the way-too-clear air, Don. I suggest our generation find the nearest child and sneeze vehemently on them. Repeatedly. Once these do-gooding family practicioners come face-to-face with a killer strain of equine encephalitis, they’ll realize their precious booster shots and Spongebob band-aids just aren’t going to cut it.
Sincerely,
C.L. Tanager
C.L. Love your comment. If I were not stalking Don already, I would consider stalking you! Wisdom and common sense are really powerful aphrodisiacs.
PS Don….Don’t worry. You are still my number one “stalkee”. (I’m assuming that if I am the stalker, my object of obession would be called the “stalkee”. Advise me if this is incorrect).
Save a senior for the rest of us to stalk, TPB…
Many thanks Clifton,
I’m sure I speak for a good number of people when I thank you for taking the time to “ramble” and provide such a thought-provoking and entertaining read. Any response I attempt would simple pale in comparison to your comment so I will simply thank you again, pour myself a drink and anxiously await the arrival of equine encephalitis.
Always an absolute pleasure, Clifton. I could read your comments all day long.
Best regards,
Don
I was raised a hybrid. My father was the “little botulism never killed anyone” while my mother was the “cover your mouth, there are children sick in China!”
I did freak out a germaphobe the other day. Her shopping cart was in my way so I moved it with my bare hands. She went to get a wipe and wiped down the handle of the cart. I asked her how she could be sure the wipe didn’t have any germs on it. She made a face and stormed out of the aisle.
Many thanks Ahmnodt,
I’d be quite insulted if someone started disinfecting their damned shopping cart just because I happened to touch it. Are they assuming that the thing was put through a sterilizer before they entered the store?
You should have licked her box of all-bran while you were at it and really driven her over the damned edge.
All the best,
Don
My son is a complete hypochondriac. Every sniffle is SARS, every cough is lung cancer. He had mono in his first semester at college and I thought he was going to die. He practically lived at Student Health his first year away from home. I’m surprised they didn’t call in the men in the white coats. Recently, he found a lump on his neck and asked what would happen if it was lymphoma. I told him he was just going to die since I couldn’t afford the doctor bill.
Thank you yellowcat,
I can sympathize. I have family who are exactly the same way. They have medical sites book marked on their computers and look up every symptom to find the worst possible diagnosis. Headache? Nothing to do with forgetting to wear their reading glasses – it must be that uncommon form of brain tumor that has only been seen 5 times in the past 100 years.
Hopefully, your boy will snap out of it in time. Or find himself a very patient wife.
All the best,
Don
The fall of the pocket knife didn’t help either. Using the same piece of metal to scrape gunk out from under your nails, whittle on random sticks picked up off the ground, and slice your cheese that’s three days past the expiration date is a key to helping the stomach develop properly.
Though I have to admit, I did rinse mine off every couple weeks. Gotta take care of a good knife.
A fine point Iron Donkey.
It’s a shame young people can’t be trusted to carry a pocket knife anymore. I had a few in my youth and they really were a most versatile and practical tool.
And you’re right. I used mine for every conceivable purpose – from whittling, to cutting old rope, to cleaning the crap out of my sneaker treads to cutting up apple slices. I just wish I could say I was as diligent in my cleaning as you were.
Best regards,
Don
Dear Mr Mills, Please excuse any errors in the following as I am reciting from memory for your nostalgic pleasure: ‘I know you’re antiseptic, your deodorant smells nice/I’d like to get to know you, you’re deep frozen like the ice/She’s a germ free adolescent, cleanliness is her obsession/Cleans her teeth ten times a day, scrub away, scrub away, scrub away the SR way/Her phobia is infection, she needs one to survive/It’s her built in protection; without fear she’d give up and die.’ If you know Poly Styrene then you must have been studying youth for a long time now. I like a man of perseverance and TPB now has a rival for your affections. Yours fondly, Miss Eyeball. (but you can call me Synchy, Don)
Many thanks Synchy (that may take some getting used to).
A very impressive memory!
All the best,
Don
When I was a kid, dirt was a way of life. Germs, and their offspring, made dirt what it was. Without dirt and the germs that inhabited it, life would have been dull and boring . . . except when mom didn’t like it.
Moms: the greatest thing ever invented, but they do have some strange ways, don’t they? I mean what kid didn’t like dirt and what mom did? And trying to argue your point got a private meeting with dad’s belt, not that I didn’t usually deserve it.
Many thanks Jammer,
It’s funny. I don’t think my old mom cared if we were dirty – she just didn’t want us tracking it through the house. There were times, of course, when she expected us to spiff ourselves up but for the most part as long as we were outside and not underfoot she didn’t really seem to care.
And if we did leave a trail of muddy footprints through the house she didn’t bother arranging private meetings with dad. She was more than happy to dole out some discipline herself.
Many thanks for visiting Jammer. Always good to hear from you.
Don
And a couple of generations before you kids were even stronger because they played in open sewers and didn’t have all those namby pamby vaccinations you all insisted on.
Thank you Xup,
Well now you’ve gone and spoiled my next post. Damn!
I appreciate the comment though.
Thanks for visiting.
Don
Fine assessment Don as usual. I work with a couple of vegans and dammit if they’re not sick all the damn time. Having a case of rickets never kept us from getting to work.
Many thanks FJ.
My neighbor’s boy is a vegan but doesn’t seem to be particularly good at it. His skin is the oddest damned shade of grey I’ve ever seen.
All the best and thanks for popping in.
Don
Hi Don.
Been a while and you are obviously well. I find it hard to believe that bitching would be so popular. Come to think of it, Republicans have been doing it for years.
Why don’t you propose solutions to all of the things you bitch about?
Suck on that!
Don’t worry, I still appreciate you.
Do you feel the love?
Me Too.
Russellingalong,
Nice to hear from you son. I hope you’ve been keeping well. Did you enjoy the Master’s this year? I think the last time you wrote you were expressing some angst over Kenny Perry and his putting ability.
Anyway, I like to think I’m very solution-focused, Russellingalong. For instance, in this very post I recommend that people take their damned kids outside once in a while and roll them around in a mud puddle or two. Simple, common sense solutions to difficult social issues – that’s what I’m all about.
Anyway, it’s good to hear from you again. I’d keep an eye on those mood swings though – they might be cause for concern.
All the best,
Don
fFrst thing I saw was Germ Free Adolescents and thought The Day the World Turned Day-Glow. Then I read the post and thought ‘hey I ate my share of dirt and unwashed produce as a kid!’ Oddly enough I have never contracted any kind of bizarre flu, toxin induced trauma, or gotten many colds over the years.
Raised my daughter the same way. She’s a pretty hardy specimen as well.
Death to Purell.
Many thanks Rachael,
Good on you. Your daughter will thank you in the long run.
Best regards,
Don
The way we live makes kids weaker but also makes germs STRONGER. I’m with you on this “let ’em get dirty” thing, in fact we seem to agree on a lot. When my son was about 9 he wanted a school friend to stay over. The friend’s Mum said he could but then pulled out at the last moment, because she was too scared that her son might encounter A PEANUT at my house – Even though I assured her that he wouldn’t. WTF?
Many thanks blogmella,
Those damned peanut allergies are nasty business and very concerning. I honestly don’t remember any of the lads I grew up with having an issue like that. Peanut butter made up about 85 per cent of our lunch-time meals and we all took them to school. God only knows what’s coming next.
Al the best and thanks for visiting,
Don
I am thrilled to have found this blog!! This is the most common sense I’ve read on the internet in YEARS! I am pleased to report that I’m a traditionalist child raiser. Have eaten an honest to goodness mud pie, I have cleaned their face with spit on a hanky and I let my daughter go play at her friends house even when she had the chicken pox. My great grandmother (rest her soul) lived to be 106 years old and she never purchased an anti-bacterial product in her life. It is a sad state of affairs that we live in a society where a large percentage of the population can be felled by a peanut.
Cheers to you, you crabby old fart!
Um…I think you got it wrong.
You’re not supposed to eat the mud pies. Your kids are.
ditto!
Thank you cldhughes,
I appreciate the kind words and fully agree with your comment. It is a damned shame that people have to live like this and while I don’t blame the wee ones with the epi pens, you have to wonder what they Hell we’ve done to get to this sad state.
It sounds to me like you’ve done some sensible parenting. And anyone who’s eaten a mud pie is okay in my books.
All the best and thanks for visiting. I hope to hear from you again.
Best regards and cheers to you as well,
Don
This is completely true. I was a sick little kid for a long time and my mom still let me go out and get dirty and scrape my knees and have mud fights with my brother and I am proud to say at the age of 23 I have not been seriously sick in years. My immune system built up a great tolerance over some time but the point is my immune system is not as weak as it probably would have been had I never been exposed to the germs of the world.
Thank you kpg10,
Glad to hear you’ve built up that immune system. I’m sure your mother’s common sense approach to parenting played no small role.
I appreciate your stopping in and leaving me a comment.
All the best,
Don
Don
If it’s any consolation, all the tattooed face-pierced freaks will take themselves out of the gene pool, as they die of infection.
Thank you Friar,
It’s a small consolation but at my age you take whatever you can get.
All the best,
Don
OMG!!! I was just turned on to your site this morning and am still having a hard time typing through the tears of laughter. I haven’t laughed this hard or this long in years and I’ve been around for 70 years. Keep up the great work. Needless to say I’ll be going through ALL of your entries and bookmarking this hysterically funny site.
Many thanks Gloria,
It’s always a treat to hear from a senior. I truly appreciate the kind words and do hope to hear from you again.
Best regards!
Don
whoa, this is really weird don…but i agree with everything you just said…does that mean i’m getting older? D’oh!!
Thank you Lynn,
Rather than being an indication of advancing age, I’d suggest that agreeing with me just means that you’ve got plenty of smarts. (but I may be biased).
All the best,
Don
Dear Don,
I can tell you that a healthy balance of germs is what everyone needs. I was too clean when I was a kid- I recall my dad telling me that my mom boiled my pacifiers. I got sick pretty easily when I was a kid but my parents also smoked my whole life which I am sure didn’t help my immune system. Once I moved out my immune system improved drastically. I can tell you that as a biologist that kids need a balance of both germs and cleanliness. Kids need to develop the antibodies that identify bacteria and viruses to help prevent future illness but that doesn’t mean you should through your kid in a cesspool. Also, there has been research to show that kids that have pets have stronger immune systems and get sick less often then kids without pets. You should check out googlescholar.com to research this topic a little more.
Sincerely,
SEEJ
Many thanks Seej,
Very nice to hear from you. I think the balance is definitely what’s needed. I’m certainly not suggesting that people need to wallow in filth day and night – just that a little bit of dirt under your fingernails and the odd lick of a communal ice-cream cone isn’t likely to kill anyone.
I appreciate the link, Seej, and hope that spring arrives soon (if it hasn’t already) in the far, far, far north.
All the best,
Don
I’ve spent the past few days looking through your blogsite. I also read the comments on many of them and it leaves me wondering: Am I wrong, or don’t most of your readers “get it?” I “got it” after about 3 entries.
Wish I knew more about who you really are. Love your stuff. Still laughing.
I completely agree with you!
When I was at senior school (ages 9-12), there was at least one kid in my year in a cast at any one time. And no-one called Social Services on their parents!
Having a cast was WAY cool, and we all wanted to write on them.
When my mother found a worm in an apple she’d bitten into, she’d say “PROTEIN!” and take another bite. When I turned my nose up at that, she’d say “You’ve never lived through a WAR, my Girl!” and make me eat the next apple without complaint.
A few years ago I bought a lettuce at a farmer’s market and found a little worm in it. I was so nostalgic I picked up the leaf, with the worm on it, and took it outside so it could continue to have a happy life.
Then I think the dog ate it, but at laest I tried.
I love this post! Whenever people learn that I haven’t been vaccinated (sounds like I’m talking about some dog…) they cringe and give me a look like “why aren’t you dead yet?” or “better not get ME sick!” Although, if they’ve had the immunizations, I shouldn’t be able to get them sick anyway, right?!
We have immune systems for a purpose, but all these people insist on sanitizing their hands every 10 minutes or after everything they touch. Ridiculous.
Yeah, I know. I absolutely HATE the dirt! I’m only a goalie in soccer, and if I got the chance to play in the mud, I SO wouldn’t do it! YOU KNOW, UNTIL YOU CAN PROVE THAT EVERY CHILD IN THE WORLD HATES GETTING DIRTY, KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT AND KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF!! LIKE YOU ADULTS TELL US, “IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL”
I’m a 15 year old girl but I get what you mean the other day I ask some friends to come mudding with me but, a girl I ask was wearing her “good” clothes and wouldn’t come. I mean really don’t you have a washer at home if not you can use mine. And really why did you spend 20 bucks on those pants, 30 on your shirt, and 120 on shoes that are to big on you anyway. The only thing I wear that cost more than a couple bucks on is my boots that I work in.
LMAOOO
John Gustafson: You’re supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes Pop.
Grandpa Gustafson: I’m 94 years old. What the hell do I care?
Grandpa Gustafson: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?
Bacon.
Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should’ve took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I’m still here. Ha! And they keep dyin’. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?
( Bet it made you laugh. From the movie, Grumpy Old Men.)
I could not agree more don. I can’t bring nuts to my school and everything at the canteen is gluten free!! The only cure for this nonsense is to feed them gluten and nuts!