God Damned Slouching Teenagers Get Me Bent Out of Shape!
The problem with young people today is that they slouch.
When I was a boy, kids were expected to stand up straight. Only old people slouched and that was because they had earned the right to do so. Old folks had “the stoop” – a slouch of honor that you were awarded after a life time of hard work mining coal, forging steel or raising a dozen children in a dirt floor shack.
If I had ever slouched around my house, my old mom would have beaten me senselessness with a lemon reamer and then locked me the root cellar to think about the error of my ways.
But these young people today, they’re all hunched over like teenaged Quasimodos with ill-fitting trousers and size 14 high tops. It’s disrespectful, disgraceful and un-American.
They drag themselves down the street with their concave backs, warped morals and damned superior attitudes. It’s like someone has removed their spines and replaced them with red liquorice and arrogance.
Now ask yourself…what gal’s gonna want you to court her if you’re a semi-erect hunchback without the common decency to stand up straight and look her in the eye? And hey, junior, unless you’re looking for a job in witchcraft, bell ringing or evil science I’d say it’s not going to help you find work either.
This needs to end now. It’s the thin edge of a dangerous wedge.
Soon young people won’t be satisfied with slouching and they’ll begin slumping, lolling, reclining and worse. And before you can say “Java Man” we’ll have devolved into society of glorified apes dragging our knuckles on the ground, picking gnats out of each other’s ass hair, hunting with pointed sticks and evacuating our bowels in the god damned rose bushes.
They slouch. That’s the problem with young people today.