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God Damned Gun-Toting Young People Make Me Furious!

The problem with young people today is that they all have guns.

Back when I was a young person, we knew how to settle our scores like men. If someone tried to steal your best gal or said something unflattering about your old mother you rolled up your sleeves and put up your dukes. You gave that kid a black eye or got one yourself and it was over with.

But these young people today, they don’t know how to fight. They deal with their snotty little pubescent problems by whipping out a handgun or rounding up 20 of their idiot friends and shooting at you from the safety of a moving car.

It’s cowardly, lazy and a waste of ammunition. Bullets don’t grow on trees god damn it. In my day, we saved our ammo for hunting, shooting mailboxes and protecting our country from the shadowy threat of communism – not for blasting away at someone who “disrespected” you by sneezing out of turn or wearing the wrong colored ball cap.

It’s gotten so it’s not safe for an old man to venture outside of his door. I stand a better chance of catching a wayward bullet than I do of catching the common cold for Christ’s sake. They take guns with them everywhere. Junior won’t go to church or school unless he has the latest Smith and Wesson handgun tucked into the elastic waistband of his Spongebob underpants.

If I had ever showed up at school with a firearm my old teacher, Mrs. Gibney, would have pistol whipped me into unconsciousness with her Bostitch desk stapler.

It makes me sick…the way they swagger around with machine guns stuffed down the front of their baggy-assed pants thinking they are so God damned tough. Tough? If you ask me they’re nothing but penny-ante, no account, sawed off cowards. I’d like to take every last one of the pistol-packing assclowns and have them do three rounds in the ring with the likes of Willie Pep, Jake Lemotta or Joe Louis.

We’ll see how “tough” they are when they’re picking their teeth up off the floor and their noses are the consistency of Scottish oatmeal.

It’s a damned disgraceful state of affairs I tell you and it needs to end now! We need to take these guns away from the young people and put them back in the hands of the police, the military and senior citizens – back where they damned well belong. And when that day comes, and you happen to be standing on my lawn, I will be more than happy to “pop a cap off in your ass, dawg.”

They all have guns. That’s the problem with young people.

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64 Comments leave one →
  1. Sander permalink
    9:20 pm

    “We’re all living in America, America ist wunderbar … “

    • 2:52 am

      Nice to see you, Sander, but your comment has left me more than a little stumped.

      Is this anything like “Ich bin ein Berliner”? Likely not I suppose.

      Anyway, appreciate your stopping in, lad.

      All the best, Don

      • Sander permalink
        6:38 am

        It’s a part of the lyrics of the song Amerika, by Rammstein. It’s about how America is… different from the other countries, and it’s not meant as encouragement. I doubt your complaint of youngsters carrying guns would ring as true in a different western country.

        • Oldperson in youngperson costume. permalink
          4:40 am

          Pfft other countries just use glass bottles or any other dangerous weapon from a knife to any object they can hurl. If the laws were different they’d grab a gun too.

          No one has “fair fist fights anymore, one one one there’s always back-up involved and frankly it is whimpy.

  2. 9:53 pm

    Wow, just wow. I never knew old people could useful, much less entertaining. I thought I hated stuff, but I can’t wait to be old now! Think of all the things I’m missing out on hating!

    • 2:56 am

      Thanks for visiting Matt.

      We old people have all kinds up tricks up our sleeves. You young people just tend not to notice because you’re too busy being self-absorbed, angst-ridden and skateboarding.

      Glad your looking forward to joining us on the aged side, we’ll get a recliner ready for your arrival.

      Best regards,


  3. 10:00 pm

    Just curious, Don, did anyone ever steal your best gal or say something unflattering about your old mother? I ask because I just had someone steal my old mother and say something unflattering my best gal. I could use some advice. I was thinking brass knuckles at dawn.

    • 2:59 am

      Thanks Alantru,

      I had my best gal stolen away but people tended not to speak ill of my mother. Not out of any fear of me, mind you. She was well known throughout the neighbourhood for the pain she could inflict with her lemon reamer.

      Anyway, put the brass knuckles away, wax up your moustache but and put up your dukes. A man doesn’t need anything more than bare fists to settle his scores.

      Thanks for asking,


    • 6:40 pm

      If I’m not mistaken that sentence should read, “…said something unflattering about your old, fat and promiscuous mother…”

  4. Lily permalink
    10:23 pm

    Dear Don,

    This situation you describe is truly deplorable and makes my heart sink. I cannot imagine what it would be like to live in such a place where people have guns, let alone young people with guns. I shudder at the mere thought of it.

    Here in Australia it is illegal to have firearms, unless you are a farmer and need to shoot rabbits, foxes and/or wild pigs.

    To be perfectly honest, I don’t even know if all our police carry real guns.

    In fact, if the strong arm of the Law knew I had a trusty hatpin concealed in my hat, I would be considered “armed and dangerous”.

    Kindest regards,

    Lily Fossil

    • 3:02 am

      Thank you Lily,

      Sounds like a different world not a different continent. I don’t think you could pay a police officer in North America to work without a gun and I can’t honestly say I blame them.

      And good on you for carrying the hat pin. My Aggie did the exact same thing!

      All the best.


    • 12:26 pm

      It’s sort of like the Cold War. The only large-scale shootings we have are in “gun-free zones” like schools and movie theaters. If you’re out and about, everyone may have a gun to shoot back with, so any problem solves itself.

      • 12:27 pm

        O, by the way. I should mention I’m from the U.S. I understand they have a similar setup in Switzerland, if you want a second opinion, as it were.

  5. 10:25 pm

    I always wondered how they can hold a glock in those saggy pants without them falling off.

    The sideways shooting also assures that they won’t be able to hit anything except innocent bystanders.

    • Lily permalink
      11:38 pm

      Dear Mr Hammer,

      With a bit of luck, they will shoot themselves in the foot or testicles first.

      Kind regards,

      Lily Fossil

      • Friar permalink
        3:43 pm


        If they shoot themselves in the testicles, at least that might take them out of the gene pool.

    • 3:06 am

      Many thanks Hammer,

      The pants are a damned mystery. I’m not sure what science is involved in being able to maintain your trousers so that they are just on the cusp of falling off completely and I likely don’t want to.

      All the best, Don

      p.s. I read Lily’s response and would think that they could likely do both with one bullet. The order would likely be reversed however.

  6. downcastmysoul permalink
    10:38 pm

    Forget a gun, I want a taser! zzzzt zzzt zzzt

    • Lily permalink
      11:07 pm

      Dear Ms Downcastmysoul,

      What an excellent idea!

      I propose all elderly pensioners be issued a Tazer so we can zap any young person that causes us any grief, like fashion infringements, swearing, walking on lawns, texting while driving… the list goes on.

      Best wishes,

      Lily Fossil

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        12:21 am

        Yes, especially young and not so young men who walk by me on the street and say “hey baby”. I’m not a baby, and my name is not “hey”. Hay is for horses.

    • 3:10 am

      Hello Downcastmysoul,

      I’d love a damned tazer. Have to admit (and some people won’t care for this) that my neighbour’s damned cat would be top of my list. I’m sick of it using my rose bushes as its own personal latrine.

      Anyway, I need to change subjects for a moment. All our past talk about music got me to humming this number. It was one of Aggie’s favorites and she used to sing it all the time. I thought that while we can’t agree on Paul Whiteman, perhaps we could agree on this. It’s no Ozwald Ozborne but you have to admit, it’s a pithy number.

      All the best,


      • Lily permalink
        5:19 am

        Dear Don,

        I have the same problem with my neighbour’s feline, except it does its business willy nilly around my yard and I am forever stepping in it, which drives me bonkers. Next time I have to scrape feline faeces off my shoes I swear I am going to put it in a box and go leave it on the neighbour’s step, or put it in their mail box.

        Getting cranky; need a nanna nap.

        Lily Fossil

        • downcastmysoul permalink
          5:31 pm

          Hey guys:

          My cat would go in my landlady’s flowers too! She also stole the neighbor kids toys. I loved her with all my heart. Either you love or don’t love cats. I love their independant attitude that says “this is who I am and I will not change for you”. Dogs, much as I love them, are too eager to please.

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        5:28 pm

        Wow a combo of rap and speed metal done “old people” style. Why are the people on the porch so comatose. They need to be pumpin their fist in the air and bangin their heads and after that jump into the “mosh pit”.

        • Lily permalink
          6:50 pm

          Somehow I just can’t get my head around the idea of Debbie Reynolds in a mosh pit.

  7. Gerard permalink
    11:52 pm

    Once again, Don has come to the rescue. I also agree with him, once again of course!

    Guns are a huge problem, especially in our country. I always said that people who own guns are too scared to fight with their hands. It’s totally contradicting, however – I would rather get beat up than die…doesn’t that make more sense?

    Although you say that guns should be in the hands of police officers, the military, and senior citizens, I’m more of a pacifist; I believe that guns should be non-existent. I know that’s not a realistic thing to wish for, but that’s what I believe in. In some other countries, cops don’t carry guns, but I don’t think that would work as so many people in our country carry them that a police officer probably needs one (especially in certain parts of the country). However, I believe some cops are a little too trigger-happy – especially the ones that shoot up people 40 times because they were trying to pull out their wallet to show ID.

    Still, I agree that if anybody’s to have guns, it shouldn’t be us young people. They’re unnecessary and cause much more harm than good. Death is my greatest fear and I can’t agree with things that cause death quicker than it should occur.


    • Lily permalink
      12:27 am

      Dear Gerard,

      You sound like a very wise young man, which is such a rarity in this day and age, and I congratulate you.

      I have only one thing to add to your words of wisdom.

      Death is fatal.

      Yours truly,

      Lily Fossil

    • 12:10 am

      Many thanks Gerard,

      I always appreciate hearing your point of view. You’re smart beyond your 18 years, lad. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

      All the best.


    • 12:31 pm

      Guns, like good cigars and expensive whiskey, are for grown-ups. They are perfectly safe within a populace of stable, God-fearing communities that respect life and understand that you don’t live forever. Folks who have lived long enough to know a few things. Folks who have not saturated and dulled their sensibilities with thousands of hours of bloody violence in movies, and who understand the sacred nature of life’s blood, and who are chary to spill it.

      Now, with our so-called more modern countries standing on the cusp of implementing euthanasia for crabby old farts with the temerity to grow older and weaker, it might do some young people well to ask themselves why life is considered so cheap, why abortion is so widespread, or why we should care that some young girl was gunned down in Iran for “disrespectin'” the government.

      Oh, I am sorry, Don. I yield the comment section back to more convivial conversation.

  8. 12:55 am

    putting aside the waste of bullets, but what about the waste of gas when they do those drive-by shootings? and if you think it’s bad here, just think about alaska! i hear that they use helicopters to go out and shoot stuff! it’s ridiculous, i tell ya! we need to take a lesson from some of the rethuglican politicians in the news lately. while they may be the party of the nra, they’ve managed to shoot themselves in the foot repeatedly without a sidearm or a bullet in sight! i guess they really are the party of fiscal responsibility! 😯

    • 12:13 am

      Thanks Nonnie,

      Good call on the waste of gas as well. If they insist on killing each other they should try “jog” by shootings. It would be cheaper, better for the damned environment and get them their asses as well.

      Nice to see you again.


  9. 1:30 am

    Very good point. Bravo Don. Why is it so easy now a days to just get a gun and settle the score with shots and not words or, if necessary, punches. I love this.

  10. 2:28 am


    Well once again we sort of differ. I agree that young people are more cowardice then when you were coming up. You solved with fistacuffs man on got knocked out you lost you walked away that was the end….but i do agree that every ADULT should be allowed to bear arms…a loaded pistol in my car I KNOW keeps some young punk from thinking twice about taking what is not his or hers….Zman sends

    • 12:36 am

      Good to hear from you, Steve.

      Maybe I’ll start packing some heat in the old Buick.

      All the best,


  11. magickfaerie permalink
    6:29 am

    I agree with a lot of this. I think we need stricter gun control just to keep guns out of the hands of young people and stupid people. It’s hard to say that where I live though– my state is quite red and all you hear is “Barack Obama is gonna take my guns!!” Obviously, this is not going to happen, but it makes the rednecks hold on a little tighter.

    I’m not even sure I like that the police have guns. Gerard already mentioned above about how many police shootings we hear about where the man is shot 40 times for no reason. What’s worse is that there is video evidence that it happens! Since this has already been mentioned, I’ll bring another side. Google search “Police officer shoots family dog” and see how many hits you get. There was even that one that was caught on camera– the dog got out of the car wagging it’s tail and the officer shot it in front of the family, children included.

    I just don’t like guns. I don’t own one, I don’t want one and I don’t want one around me. I prefer non-violence and talking through my problems. And if all else fails– I can be one passive aggressive monster when I want to be. (But I think that’s a female thing.)

    • 12:41 am

      Many thanks Jenny,

      Always good to hear your opinion. I’m not familiar with the police incident you’re referring to but it certainly is troubling. Still, I have to admit that in general I sleep better knowing that the police are out there and putting their lives on the line to try to stop these punks.

      Take care,


  12. 2:31 pm

    …”Junior won’t go to church or school unless he has the latest Smith and Wesson handgun tucked into the elastic waistband of his Spongebob underpants”…

    When I stop laughing I might try to write a comment on this post…

    Mr. Mills, you are incredibly funny!! I do enjoy reading you my friend!

    • 12:42 am

      Many thanks Ivan,

      Nice of you to stop in. It’s always good to hear from my Brazilian friend.

      All the best,


  13. 3:04 pm

    “And when that day comes, and you happen to be standing on my lawn, I will be more than happy to “pop a cap off in your ass, dawg.””

    Shoot’em all Don, shoot’em all and charge the parents for the bullets haha.

    I agree with what Sander said in his comment and I’m proud to say here in Australia, gun control is damn strict.

    I actually saw this post as more of a light hearted protest rather than the usual satire, I like the different approach. Keeping it fresh old fella!

    Stay fresh,


    • 12:43 am

      My friend, Dean Casino.

      Good to see you lad. I’ll have to take a trip out to Australia some day. Sounds like an interesting place and based on the comments I get…it has more than its share of colorful characters.

      All best best,


  14. cjrambling permalink
    3:16 pm

    That’s it! I’m moving down under….I had no idea their gun laws were so strict.

  15. Friar permalink
    4:00 pm

    I lead such a sheltered life, the only people I know who own guns are the local hunters, who are more interested in getting venison than popping a cap in someone’s ass.

    Most of Canada’s fortunately like this.

    Except in the bigger cities, where there’s definitely a growing problem with guns and punk-ass street gangs. Especially places like Toronto.

    That’s why I’m glad I live where I do, out in the sticks. The worst thing that happens is the local kids might get a bit mouthy, or steal the occasional bicycle.

    Let’s just hope it stays that way…(and they stay offa my damned lawn!)

    • 12:47 am

      Thanks Friar,

      Sounds like you’ve made a wise choice community-wise Friar. There is something to be said for being a little off the beaten path. Unfortunately, it’s likely too late in life for me to pack up my bags and make a change. Plus, I was never much good with an axe or canoe.

      Best regards,


  16. 7:39 pm

    As always, I couldn’t agree more, Don.

    Why, just last week I saw an ad for a gun show that was taking place at the exhibition centre downtown. Mortified, I created a bunch of anti-gun posters saying things like “Oozie’s are for Floozies” and “Gun powder residue doesn’t look flattering on anyone”.

    I then sent emails to my co-workers in the hopes that we could a)rally together and show our disdain for this type of behaviour, and b)get paid for the time we’d be away by calling it a “team building” exercise.

    Anyway, none of the cowards responded,so I took matters into my own hands and picketed in front of the building for three hours. I found out later that it wasn’t actually a show promoting guns, it was just those creepy Chippendale dancers in town for some benefit. Obviously their idea of a “gun show” is completely different from mine.

    Either way, I think they got the message.

    You are a blogger to be reckoned with, Mr. Mills.

    • 12:48 am

      Thanks Bschooled.

      Your coworkers seem like a bunch of shiftless slackers. All young people I’m assuming and just killing time until their screenplays are written or they hit it big on the lotto.

      Sorry to hear about the miscommunication but I’m pleased you stuck to your guns and managed to pull off that picket.

      It shows sticktoitiveness.

      Lovely to see you.


  17. 8:57 pm

    Kenny Perry just missed a 30 foot putt, I’m sorry Don but I’m more upset about that than all of this gun stuff. You need to concern yourself with things you have some control over, rather than these endless comments on society’s bad qualities. Frankly, I’m getting sick of it!

    • 12:06 am


      Are you saying that you can control Kenny Perry’s putts? Because if you can I’d like to have a word with you about your performance this year at Augusta.

      And, honestly, Russell, I do believe that people have some control over society’s “bad qualities.” Being “powerless” is a choice, and a damn poor one.

      All the best.


  18. 2:16 am

    With peak oil, maybe they’ll have to turn to walk-by’s.

  19. Justin permalink
    2:38 am

    Mr. Mills, you’ve done it again.

    My state tried to pass a law that made it legal to carry concealed handguns into college buildings, such as libraries and classrooms. I personally don’t like the idea of people my age having the ability to carry a weapon into nearly any building they so choose on campus. I happen to overhear a fight or two that could very easily escalate into a shooting if someone were “packing.”

    I also can’t help but wonder: if weapons are such a good thing (you know, personal protection and whatnot as the argument goes), why are they not allowed into most, if any, government buildings?

  20. 3:20 am


    I think we should go the other way. Give all of them guns and then just stay out of the way while they all kill each other off.

  21. Lily permalink
    5:08 am

    Dear Don,

    I have just read this report which you and some of your readers may find interesting, that is, if you haven’t already seen it.

    “Young people commit more crimes than the rest of the population. Nearly half of those arrested for a violent crime in 2006 were under the age of 25. Over the next five years, the number of teenagers and young adults in America will increase by one million. This youth population surge will increase the number of crimes in America by over two million if they simply behave like the national average.

    Today’s high crime juvenile population is beset by serious problems that are undoubtedly major factors in their behavior—mental illness, family dysfunction, learning disabilities, early onset of violent behavior, and substance abuse. These problems do not excuse their crimes, but they provide insights into ways to prevent them.

    In 2006, the FBI found that the 15-24 age group comprised 14% of the U.S. population, yet was arrested for 40% of all crimes. And over 45% of violent crime arrests were of individuals under age 25. As the Urban Institute concludes in its report on youth crime, “criminal behavior has always been more prevalent among young people.”

    According to the Census Bureau, by 2012, the 15 – 24 age cohort will grow by one million. Simply put, if youth and juvenile crime rates stay the same, population changes alone could lead to 500,000 more arrests by the year 2012. And since only one in five crimes result in an arrest, this age group, if not addressed, could likely commit an additional 2.5 million crimes by the end of 2012.”

    A Third Way Report
    Jim Kessler, Rachel Laser,
    Michael Earls, and Nikki Yamashiro

    Feb. 2008

    Click to access Third_Way_Crime_Report.pdf

    NB pdf file
    Lily Fossil

  22. Le Geant permalink
    5:22 am

    Well said again, Mr. Mills. If they would stick to just shooting each other, I’d be all for it. But as with so many other things, they’re not very good at what they do and end up with their bullets flying at innocent old people and at picture windows. Perhaps this is due to one of their “disorders” that you have addressed earlier. Or perhaps they are just too damned lazy to aim properly. Regards,

    Le Geant

  23. 12:13 am

    Gun….what are they good for? Nothing. (when in the wrong hands)

    • Lynn permalink
      1:40 am

      well i stay armed in order to protect myself from those guns in the “wrong hands”. 🙂

  24. 1:01 am

    I think I’ve got a handle on this firearms thing. (Pearl handle ….)

    Anyway, the problem really is, bad guys with guns do bad things with them. Good guys once in a while manage to prevent the bad guys from carrying out their evil aims (though this usually brings tears of grief from the “guns are icky nasty things” crowd).

    The solution, therefore, is simple: It shall be illegal for Bad Guys to carry firearms.

    [hold on a tick – someone’s knocking at the door – what? it already is? Drat. ]

    Never mind.

    Lily from Australia, with the “3rd Way Report”, uncovers the real root problem:

    “In 2006, the FBI found that the 15-24 age group comprised 14% of the U.S. population, yet was arrested for 40% of all crimes.”

    Our gracious host is right. Young people are no darn good. I do admit of the rare exception – the Boy Scout helping the Little Old Lady across the street (whether she wants to or not) – but in general, all the ills of society can be summed up in those two little words: young people.

    Now we have to ask Why. Again, simple: It all started with Gramsci. The Left’s agenda for decades has been to undermine the family unit, to undermine the education system, and to undermine the country’s religious faith, and thereby turn this flowering field of liberty into a socialist worker’s paradise.

    I’d say they’ve succeeded on all three counts. Ever since the start of the Great Society, it’s been more economical for welfare mothers to proceed with more and more children and fewer husbands.

    Ever since John Dewey, our educational system has been one great failed experiment after another. Reading? Writing? Arithmetic? Not Relevant!!! Self-esteem is what’s relevant, and it has nothing to do with “getting the right answer” (or even close). It has nothing to do with knowing things like what the Constitution really says, or how many branches there are in the Federal Government, or what happens when you use the hair dryer in the bathtub. It has only to do with feeling good about yourself (and the worst insult is be to be “dissed”, an event requiring a settlement on the field of honor. Pistols at ten paces, and I have both pistols.).

    Religion, which is the basis for our moral end ethical code, is successfully being banished from public view. At the forefront of this devastation is the ACLU, roaming the countryside day and night, loooking for anything resembling a religious symbol outside of a church. (Minor edit: make that “Christian religious symbol”.) A cross deep in the vast wasteland of the desert presents such a danger to public safety that it must be removed straight away, and the full might of the Law harnessed to do it.

    So who’s to blame? We Old Ones, repositories of wisdom and learning, have been looking the other way for too long. We saw it coming with Dr Spock, with the Woodstock Generation (who are now the leading lights of academe – along with other luminaries like Professor Doctor William Ayres and Professor Doctor Bernardine Dohrn). But we thought it would go away, we thought it surely couldn’t get that bad.

    But it did, and we elected Carter and Clinton and Pelosi and Reid, and now we’re surprised that the inmates have taken over the asylum.

    It’s been too late for so long that it hardly makes sense to even say it’s too late. We have a juggernaut government in place, unleashing terrible swift swords against anything likely to turn a profit or generate energy without reliance on fairy-dust.

    The only consolation there is (and cold comfort indeed) is that when we have reached our reward, we’ll have left this vale of tears to those Young People who’ve made their bed and must then swim in it. They’ll have no clue, of course, and will cheerfully sumbit to a long series of petty dictators and bungling bureaucrats who’ll turn the world into a New Eden, free of messy machinery, unsullied by non-organic food, with cloudless carbon-free skies, and in that final chapter they all look forward to with eager anticipation, free of that one pollution that’s the cause of it all: Man.

  25. 12:37 am


    What magical land do you speak of where youngin’s tote machine guns down their spongebob underpants? The last time I checked, it was quite the fiduciary obstacle for anyone to legally purchase a machine gun, and then only one that is used. Is this the same place where fairy dust is blown upon us by unicorns breaking wind? I can’t imagine junior ponying up for a fully automatic M16. And have you looked at Smith & Wesson prices? The slacker would have to put in a lot of hours at the local Hot Topic. Of course if you want them to get a good smack down, there is that pensioner in the UK that gave his next door neighbor quite the smackdown. Good for him I say.

  26. Samm permalink
    6:06 pm

    You realize that killing people is only a state crime (unless of course it is done on a military owned space (such as a base or naval carrier) or it is carried out on/by a military personnel)… but shooting a mailbox is a federal crime. Thats Leavenworth… not a good time.

  27. YellowRoses610 permalink
    3:42 am

    The only people who should use guns are those who are willing to have them used against them.

    I must amdit to carrying concealed knives and Scremah sticks, two twin bambosticks longer than a mans arm, which stay in a black leather carrying case. They how ever can double as walkign sticks, and being a young woman who often goes into bad neighborhoods or places a late at night I feel I need them. I can also make a taser froma despoilbile camera.

    Always armed,

  28. Mystsong permalink
    9:46 pm

    I’ve always been in favor of settling disputes the REAL old fashioned way. Challenge the other party to a duel. With swords.


  1. Ceasar Rian: What’s Wrong With the Young People of Today « Adventures In Writing

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