Affronts to Old People #1 – Sweat Pants with Words on the Ass
One of the most outrageous assaults young people have committed on common decency has to be the practice of having words written across the ass of their sweats pants.
I see it everywhere. Inane and distasteful words like “Angel”, “Princess” and “Hottie” printed across the prodigious backsides of young people. It’s moronic and indecent.
Just this morning I was confronted with the disturbing sight of a young woman with the word “bootylicious” scrawled across her derriere. I don’t know what the Hell it means but I stand by my assertion that if your ass is large enough to accommodate a twelve letter word it may not be a feature you wish to draw additional attention to.
I may not be able to stop this atrocious practice, but if it is going to continue I suggest any one of the following 10 words/phrases might be more appropriate to display on your young rumps:
That’s right. “Lazy.” If you don’t have the energy to pull on sensible trousers and do up a zipper for God’s sake, you may as well come clean about it and admit that you’re a shiftless, indolent lay-about. People may not respect your choice of apparel but they’ll appreciate your honesty damn it.
They likely had a hand in building that giant ass you’re so intent on decorating, so you may as well give them credit for a job well done. They may even give you a free “Whoppler” as their way of saying thanks.
The way I see it, this is damned practical and not unlike writing left and right on the shoes of dullards and toddlers. At least the word “back” serves a purpose and will help these young people get their pants on right side around. It’s a small thing but a step in the right direction.
You don’t need to understand why. In fact, its likely better that you don’t.
I’m all about motivation and my guess is that if you enjoy word-enhanced sweat pants you’re likely on an express train to nowhereville and would benefit from a good old fashioned kick in the ass.
“Have You Seen This Child?”
If you walk around in sweat pants all day you likely have parole conditions to fulfill and community service may be part of that equation. Here’s a chance for you to give something back and help people locate missing children. Milk cartons get stuck in the fridge but your giant ass seems to be everywhere so slap a picture of a missing kid on it and do some good for a change, damn it.
“My Other Ass Fits In Real Pants”
For no reason other than it makes me chuckle.
“The End is Nigh”
If there was ever a sign that the Four Horseman are mounting up and getting ready to ride it’s the preponderance of young people with the word “juicy” written on their backsides. You may as well get the word out that we are all going to Hell and that the bus is leaving soon.
Time for some truth in advertising, damn it. Plus, as an added bonus, it may dissuade other impressionable young people from heading down this ill-advised road, venturing over to “Target” and perusing the “fornicating teen department” for similar attire.
“This Space for Rent”
Look, if you’re going to parade around like a jiggling billboard you may as well try to generate some income from it. I’m sure there must be some gelatin companies or cottage cheese makers looking for cheap and easy advertising opportunities and your ass may be right up their alley.
I hope that these suggestions will be helpful to you young folks. The other option of course is just to start wearing sensible clothing and stop dressing like a dyslexic, bootylicious prostitute.
Damned young people. They make me crazy.
(with many thanks to my young friend bschooled)