God Damned Boy Scouts Have Gone To Hell in a Handcart
Earlier this week I learned that the Boy Scouts of America are introducing a Video Game Merit Badge.
Up until now, I’ve always liked the damned Scouts – I’m all for any organization that forces young people to wear uniforms, expects conformity and teaches them how to use a knife for something other than stabbing their math teachers.
But this is too much and clearly nothing more than a desperate effort to swell their ranks by attempting to recruit the podgy couch potatoes we call the generation of the future. It’s a damned money grab.
Well, since they’re busy undermining everything this country once stood for, I’d suggest that the Boy Scouts may as well go whole damned hog and consider a few other new badges that might help bolster their numbers:
The “14-hours of Continuous Sleep Badge”
(Awarded to Scouts demonstrating an exceptional ability to lollygag, laze and/or sleep until well past noon despite repeated parental entreaties to haul their asses out of bed)
The “Facebook Status Update Merit Badge”
(Exclusive to Scouts who update their status a minimum of 15-times daily and make appropriate use of emoticons, foul language, abbreviations and inane chatter)
The “Scream until I Get What I Want Badge”
(Bestowed upon Scouts able to sustain hissy-fits, meltdowns or temper tantrums for such duration that parents accede to any and all outrageous demands)
The “Microwaving my Pizza Pop Badge”
(Awarded for basic nutritional ignorance and gluttony. Must also demonstrate ability to tear open cellophane packaging, punch numbers on a keypad and stuff their gullets with unadulterated crap)
The “Introduction to Sexting Merit Badge”
(Granted to Scouts showing horny pre-teen impulses, crude photographic skills, technological prowess and lack of common sense or foresight)
The “Experimenting with Alcohol Badge”
(Awarded to Scouts demonstrating an early interest in intoxicants, projectile vomiting and nervy risk taking)
The “Swearing Like A Sailor” Badge
(Scouts must demonstrate exceptional proficiency in talking a blue streak, directing profanities at authority figures and have a good understanding of common euphemisms for male and female genitalia)
The “Dog Ate My Homework Badge”
(Awarded to Scouts showing academic ambivalence, as well as excellence in deception, procrastination and lame excuse making)
The “Pushing a Little Old Lady into Oncoming Traffic Badge”
(A modern variation on a once proud tradition. Eligible Scouts must demonstrate lack of empathy, advanced thuggery and sociopathic tendencies.)
The “Give Me Every Badge or I’ll Sue You, Badge”
(Awarded scouts who don’t put any work into earning badges but threaten legal action if they don’t get them because they have an unnatural sense of entitlement.)
The “I Promise Not to Tell Anyone Merit Badge”
(Not a recruitment tool – but given the shoddy screening practices for Scout Leaders I’m surprised it hasn’t been introduced earlier)
Honestly, Robert-Baden Powell must be rolling over in his god damned grave.