God Damned Cooler-Swilling Young People Make Me Livid
The problem with young people today is that they don’t know how to mix a drink.
My generation could make a damned fine Manhattan by the time we were 7 years old, had perfected the Harvey Wallbanger by 8 and could mix a halfway decent Horse’s Neck before we were out of short pants. Our parents made sure of it. We tended bar at their dinner parties and if you expected a tip you quickly learned how to twist a lemon and tell a damned funny knock knock joke.
But these young people today, they don’t know how to mix a proper drink. They all buy those pre-mixed carbonated “cooler” monstrosities. Bloody Mary’s in a box, pre-mixed “mudslides” in a can and crabapple vodka pop in a screw top bottle.
They’re all nothing but sugar, bubbles and laziness incarnate. In my day, making a cocktail taught you a rudimentary understanding of math, simple motor skills and the basics of liquid measurement. But young people today aren’t interested in anything that requires effort, forethought and which could temporarily delay their ability to “get their freak on.”
Not only is drinking “coolers” lazy and un-American; it’s foolhardy. Nothing good can come from guzzling back a quart of something called “Extreme Spiked Hard Lemonade.” It sounds like something they’d be serving in Jonestown for Christ’s sake and will surely lead to the same results.
It seems to me that the sole purpose of these damned drinks is just to get you as drunk as possible as fast as possible while making you think that removing your pants on a public street corner is both funny and appropriate. It’s no wonder these young people are all staggering around like Goldwater supporters at the 1964 Republican Convention – they never have to stop drinking long enough to mix a fresh drink.
First it was frozen pie crusts, then store bought cookies, then salad in a bag, pre-shredded cheese and now pre-mixed alcoholic beverages. This kind of blatant disregard for decency and insistence on cutting corners at every opportunity will have dire consequences you mark my word.
If this keeps up it won’t be long before we’re nothing more than a nation of fall-down drunks in pre-mixed marriages with pre-conceived children leading predetermined, prefabricated and preposterous lives. And that’s an America I want no part of.
They don’t know how to mix a drink. That’s the problem with young people today.