God Damned Cooler-Swilling Young People Make Me Livid
The problem with young people today is that they don’t know how to mix a drink.
My generation could make a damned fine Manhattan by the time we were 7 years old, had perfected the Harvey Wallbanger by 8 and could mix a halfway decent Horse’s Neck before we were out of short pants. Our parents made sure of it. We tended bar at their dinner parties and if you expected a tip you quickly learned how to twist a lemon and tell a damned funny knock knock joke.
But these young people today, they don’t know how to mix a proper drink. They all buy those pre-mixed carbonated “cooler” monstrosities. Bloody Mary’s in a box, pre-mixed “mudslides” in a can and crabapple vodka pop in a screw top bottle.
They’re all nothing but sugar, bubbles and laziness incarnate. In my day, making a cocktail taught you a rudimentary understanding of math, simple motor skills and the basics of liquid measurement. But young people today aren’t interested in anything that requires effort, forethought and which could temporarily delay their ability to “get their freak on.”
Not only is drinking “coolers” lazy and un-American; it’s foolhardy. Nothing good can come from guzzling back a quart of something called “Extreme Spiked Hard Lemonade.” It sounds like something they’d be serving in Jonestown for Christ’s sake and will surely lead to the same results.
It seems to me that the sole purpose of these damned drinks is just to get you as drunk as possible as fast as possible while making you think that removing your pants on a public street corner is both funny and appropriate. It’s no wonder these young people are all staggering around like Goldwater supporters at the 1964 Republican Convention – they never have to stop drinking long enough to mix a fresh drink.
First it was frozen pie crusts, then store bought cookies, then salad in a bag, pre-shredded cheese and now pre-mixed alcoholic beverages. This kind of blatant disregard for decency and insistence on cutting corners at every opportunity will have dire consequences you mark my word.
If this keeps up it won’t be long before we’re nothing more than a nation of fall-down drunks in pre-mixed marriages with pre-conceived children leading predetermined, prefabricated and preposterous lives. And that’s an America I want no part of.
They don’t know how to mix a drink. That’s the problem with young people today.
The Problem with Young People Today Is... 
Even with drinking, people want instant gratification. Some actually have the forethought to premake their Jell-o shots beforehand, so all they have to slurp one down and walla, they’re drunk.
Instant gratification is the cause of all the world’s evils and will take us all down one day… instantly.
mmmmm…. jello shots…..
Many thanks Tricia,
I couldn’t agree more. This damned need for immediate gratification is ruining our young. Back in my day if I wanted popcorn I didn’t “zap” it in a microwave for 3 minutes. I planted the seeds, crew the crop, shucked the corn, boiled the oil and popped it myself. I needed 9 months notice to pop my corn and it tasted better for the wait.
All the best,
Don
“Bloody Mary’s”? Damned old people, it’s not like you weren’t taught how to punctuate. There;s no excuse for ignorance, Mr. Mills.
Dear Miss Anna,
Don’t you mean “There’s no excuse” ?
Ever attentive,
Lily Fossil
Thanks for pointing out the error, Anna.
You are absolutely correct, lass. I was taught proper punctuation and there is no excuse for this type of sloppy behaviour. Still, calling us “damned old people” is a little harsh.
Best regards,
Don
What the hell ever happened to a shot of neat malt Scotch whisky chased with India Pale Ale? You don’t have to mix a thing but it’s as classy a drink as anyone could ask for. Of course, you have to have the ability to slow down and savor it, and that’s what these cubs haven’t grasped. And they want either caffeine or sugar in everything, anyway. Coca-cola has ruined the world.
I’ll raise a glass to you, sledpress. Nothing like savoring a fine malt. Nothing at all.
I couldn’t agree more Sledpress,
I’ve been known to enjoy a good scotch myself on a few occasions. My Aggie and I used to open a bottle every New Year’s Eve (though it lasted well into Spring).
These young folks, however, seem to view alchohol as means to a drunken end and have no interest in anything other than making their drinks as syrupy ans sweet as possible so that they can “pound them back” with reckless abandon.
Always nice to hear from you,
Don
Here in Britland we would use the whisky as a chaser to the Pale Ale!
If it’s not pre-mixed, it’s instant. Instant pudding, instant milk, instant breakfast, even instant lottery for those who can’t wait for the lottery drawing.
Very true Ahmnodt,
As Tricia points out, this damned need for immediate and instant gratification is seemingly endless.
Many thanks for visiting,
Don
what else can you expect, don? if you don’t have a refrigerator that already makes ice cubes, you can buy them ready-made at the story today. i think that’s when society fell apart–when we stopped having to refill the ice cube trays.
p.s. is that your granddaughter pictured in the banner?
Thank you Nonnie,
I’ve always found the notion of purchasing frozen water a bit of a puzzler myself. Especially since every home seesm to have two fridges and a stand-alone chest freezer. Maybe I’ll start a road side stand selling pre-melted ice cubes. There’s likely more a damned market for it.
And no, that’s not my grandaughter. I don’t know who that honor falls to but I’m sure he’s damn proud. I’ll be changing the banner back – just wanted to try something a little different.
All the best Nonnie,
Don
Yellow Roses is going to have a grand time with this one when she gets back. Loves her alcohol, that one.
Personally, I don’t care for alcoholic beverages. But I do love to cook. And I have yet to find a store bought, pre-sliced loaf of bread as good as what I make at home. You just can’t take shortcuts with your food. Really, you can’t.
As for amusing and odd pre-made foods: They now sell pre-peeled hard boiled eggs at most major grocery stores.
You can also get dryer sheets that double as laundry soap now.
Thanks Myststong,
I do hope that wee Yellow Roses doesn’t get carried away with that “love of alcohol.” It can be a dangerous game.
I agree with you on the food but have to admit that no that I am on my own I tend to spend more time with a can opener in my hand than a whisk or turkey baster. (Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever held a whisk or turkey baster but you get my point).
And I haven’t seen the pre-peeled hard boiled eggs. Jesus. How long will it be before we’re no better than baby birds and are off to the store to fill our mouths with predigested worms annd grubs.
Best regards. That bread sounds damned nice.
Don
I do my best to make sure she keeps her head.
Nothing wrong with taking a few shortcuts when you’re pressed for time or just plain don’t have the patience.
If I ever get my oven fixed I’ll bake a loaf for you. Old fashioned California Sourdough.
Many thanks mystsong.
I enjoy the sourbread.
Don
You’re a man of distinguished taste, Mr. Mills. People just don’t appreciate the kick of a good home baked sourdough anymore. It’s all about this tasteless, pre-sliced, store bought wonderbread crap.
Damn straight I will. On New years I am going to have a drink called a tthree wise many. Johny walker Jackdaniels…and I forgot the other one, but it’slike three whiskey’s two ounces of each king, andf you have it onthe rocks, I think.
Remember kids, Liquor before beer you’re in the clear, beer before liquire you throw up quicker.
Also take a multivitman and drinsk two bottles of water before drinking avoid a hang over, then drink two bottles of water and take mutivitman after words. Works wonders.
*Three wise men
Love your new banner, Don. My sister will get a kick out of it, too. She thought that photo would never see the light of day, but once it’s on Photobucket, it’s everywhere.
I hear you on the mixed drink thing. Most bartenders these days fuck it up as well. I’m partial to screwdrivers myself. Nothing fancy. Vodka. OJ.
I do have a weakness for those Smirnoff Ice varieties, so chalk one up under FAIL. But the kids like ’em too, especially in the summer. By 8pm they’re sleeping soundly and stunting their growth.
Once they hit school age I suppose I’ll have to trim that down to weekends only. I didn’t have much fun in school and I doubt a mandatory return to speak with the principal will be that enjoyable either.
Many thanks CLT,
I’d exercise caution with those ice drinks, CLT. I’m fairly certain the original marketing tag line (I still have a few friends at Saatchi) was “It’s noon somewhere, right?”
And as for the kids, I wouldn’t worry too much. My old dad used to give us a shot of rye when we had a cold, fell off our bikes, or did well on our report cards and it never hurt us. Best to learn how to handle your liquor early.
All the best,
Don
If it’s not pre-mixed then it’s a bomb…Irish car bomb, Crown bomb, Jager bomb…all guaranteed to get you shit-your-pants-drunk before you can say, “Thank you sir. May I please have another.”
Party on.
Thanks yellowcat,
This bomb stuff is new to me (thank God). Irish car bomb? Jesus, that’s an attractive sounding drink. Not sure how I’d react if I heard someone calling out for one of those is a crowded bar.
Best regards,
Don
I would be out of the door long before the echo had stopped…
Not only can’t these pre-mixed swilling kids make a decent drink, but they are now chugging damn designer alcohol. There are designer vodkas, designer tequilas, designer gins and all of em cut with those damn designer waters! What the hell is designer water anyway? Water is H2O. Frickin ridiculous. It seems the more science steps into the picture, the dumber these kids get. What next . . . designer chickens? How about we make designer kids who know how to act intelligent and treat us retired folk with the respect we damn well deserve? Like keep off our damn lawns!
Jammer,
Another wonderful comment. Many thanks. Would the designer chickens have faux hawks? I suspect they might.
I wouldn’t attribute too much of this to “science.” Sounds like good old fashioned snake oil sales to me. Regardless, the designer young person is something I could damned well get behind. In fact, I’d like to be on the design team. I’m sure that between the two of us we could come up with a very fine prototype.
All the best,
Don
Indeed. First requirement: Yes sir.
Second requirement: pull up your damned pants on put your hat on the right way around.
‘… “get their freak on.”‘
Your attempt at modern-day vocabulary amuses me. 🙂
Thanks Danica,
I try to stay “fresh.” It was a toss up between “get their freak on” and “party hardy.” Both, I believe, are still current young people talk. I tend to avoid references like “23 Skidoo” because I suspect that the young people no longer use them.
Thanks for visiting,
Don
Don;
I thought I’d show you this (though you might want to take your blood pressure pills beforehand).
http://www.smuckers.com/products/category.aspx?groupId=3&categoryId=46
Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Pre-made Peanut-butter and Jelly sandwiches! With the crusts cut-off, even!
You know, if we’ve become so damned lazy, that we can’t even make a SIMPLE PBJ, then all hope for our society is lost.
Best thing we can do at this point, is hunker down, and prepare for the imminent collapse of our civilization.
Thanks Friar,
The only thing I can add is “unbelievable.” Hunker down indeed but if “Uncrustables” are any indication, the collapse is already here.
I’m off to enjoy a ready made, easy to pour, straight from the bottle, glass of rye. Maybe two glasses.
Good of you to visit,
Don
My parents had some foolish notion to be tee-totallers so I had to teach myself to mix a fine cocktail without the benefit of parental guidance.
Damn parents. Fail.
Thanks David,
That’s unfortunate, lad. But hopefully you had a kindly uncle or local barkeep to take you under his wing.
These are damned important life lessons in my view and should be part of the curriculum of every parenting course out there along with “tobacco chewing etiquette” and “teach your boy to have a damned firm handshake.”
Thanks for stopping in,
Don
Dear Mr. Mills,
I wonder how many know where Jonestown is and what occured there…that one cracked me up! I love this blog!
Kelly
Many thanks Kelly and welcome,
Always been fond of the name Kelly. One of my favorites. I would hope a good number of folks still remember Jonestown but I suspect that to many young people it doesn’t mean a thing. too bad. More than a few lessons to be learned there.
Thanks again for the kind words. I do hope you’ll stop by to chat again.
Don
Dear Don,
Thanks for ruining my Saturday. What happened to your photo on top of this page?
In the past, whenever I clicked on your link I never knew what to expect – but your changry (charming + angry) face staring at me, almost saying to me with your eyes – “Be good lad, you’re a young person and you need to learn here how NOT to behave.”
But now, what is this? How am I suppose to enter this place weak and come out strong? Have you not read about the Chaos Theory?
Salute the Laborists
Frankelstache
Many thanks Frankelstache,
Apologies for the shock. My change to the banner was more about me getting tired of seeing my changry (a fine word by the way) old face everytime I clicked to the site but I am planning to change it back . I may just try a few others first.
Thanks for the comment and, as always, good to hear from you.
Still avoiding Hemp,
Don
I’m not really a mixed drinks man, but I have to agree wholeheartedly that all this pre-mixed foolishness is killing the noble art of drinking.
In my day, when we were going to get a bit sloshed, we had to haul big bags of beer(bottles, which are damned heavy) for miles through snow banks and roving predatory moose packs.
Damned youngsters can’t even put a bit of effort into budding alcoholism.
Nice to see you TJ.
That last sentence sums the matter up perfectly. It’s the laziness that really chaffs my thighs.
Those predatory moose packs sound damned frightening. I assume you don’t mean the “social club” type like the Elks or the Shriners or Kiwanas but the actual long-legged, swamp dwelling, heavily antlered kind.
All the best, TJ. Nice to see you.
Don
Thank you, Mr. Mills. I don’t mind people(young or not) having vices, but god damn it, at least make an effort.
I was exaggerating about the moose by the way. They’re herbivores, after all, so “predatory” was a bit off. But I’ve never trusted the bastards. Those antlers are clearly a safety hazard, and a look into those sleepy eyes tell me they’re all probably on drugs.
Damned teenage moose. All hopped up on moonlight and swamp water. And “herbivore” is just a fancy way of saying “pot head.”
Yep, damned stoners of the woodlands. I somehow knew you would see eye to eye with me regarding delinquent wildlife.
Cheers,
-TJ
I was just watching Jeff Dunham and his “friend” Walter….for some reason I kept thinking of you Don every time Walter was speaking.
It’s on that god damn tv cable but if you’ve seen it, I hope you realize this is a compliment.
Thanks very much David,
I will have to take you at your word because I’m not familiar with the program. My television watching is limited to reruns of “Murder, She Wrote”, the “Wheel of Fortune” and “OZ” (those damned prison stories scare the Hell out of me.).
Many thanks though. If I ever get the opportunity, I’ll be sure to tune in.
Regards,
Don
Wait…they get to drink and smoke weed? That’s not fair!
I can appreciate your shock and disbelief, Pamela, but trust me – the situation is dire.
There is a whole generation of porn-surfing, bong-smoking, sex-having, alcohol-drinking, sweat pant-wearing, faux-hawking, senior-denigrating young people out there and they are up to no damned good.
Best regards,
Don
You never cease to amaze me, Don. It’s almost like you can read my mind (but not in a “Hi, I’m creepy Rick Schnabel and I can read your mind” kind of way).
In fact, just last night I was at the Liquor Barn (same as every payday) comparing the alcohol content between Mike’s Hard and Seagram’s (I like to get the most “bang for my buck,” if you know what I mean), when it suddenly dawned on me that I was taking the “lazy problem drinker’s” way out.
Thanks to my “always thirsty” step-father, Tom-Collins Cawlins, I actually grew up mixing Manhattans and spiked Shirley Temples. Papa Tom said that I was the “best little bartender” he’d ever had, and once I’d finally aquired a taste for the stuff (sometime after my 14th birthday), I had to admit that he was right.
It wasn’t until he passed away a few years ago (apparently he was born with a “baboon liver”), that I started getting lazy.
Anyway Don, I just wanted to say thanks. It’s because of you that tonight, I plan on going back to my roots and getting my freak on the “Sloe Comfortable Screw Against The Wall With Satin Pillows The Hard Way” style.
Always under your influence (and alcohol’s, of course),
Bschooled
Many thanks Bschooled,
Sorry for the delay in replying. Its been a Hell of a day – I’m getting quotes on a new hip and it despite the recessesion it still seems to be a seller’s market.
Anyway, I’m glad to hear my post may have played a small part in shaking you up (or stirring you up) and getting you to rethink this whole prefab alcohol business. You’ve obviously been well schooled in mixology and it would be a hell of a shame to see those skills go to waste.
Go easy on the consumption, though, Bschooled. There’s no shortage of men looking forward to taking advantage of a decent young woman.
All the best.
Don
Dear Donald,
It will come as no surprise that I am not a drinker of alcohol and nor do I like being around people who are affected by or under the influence of it.
Apart from the fact that I am endeavoring to hold on to as many active brain cells that I can, I have seen the detrimental effects of the dreaded alcohol on families and indeed I have seen first hand, entire communities destroyed my the stuff.
I would suspect that many of today’s assclown young people were born with foetal-alcohol syndrome and this accounts for most of their problems.
Whilst I am not so intolerant that I mind a person enjoying a wee tipple or Ms bschooled enjoying her Wall Banging with Harvey and “Slippery Nipples”, I do believe the key is moderation in all things.
Your Temperate
Lily
Lily,
I should probably let you know that I’m not a big fan of “Slippery nipples”. I find them a little too lubricious.
However I have been known to indulge in the occasional “Hairy Areola”… (but only when I’m slumming)
Respectfully yours,
Bschooled
Many thanks Lily,
I fully agree that moderation is they key. And while I’ve been known to enjoy a my wee glass of rye now and again I also have no tolerance for drunkeness or any other form of public indecency.
All the best,
Don
Don, It’s hard to imagine you disucssing people “getting their freak on”. Thanks for the mental imagery.
As far as the ready mix drinks, I guess it’s a good thing I just don’t drink much. At the moment, I have a bottle of wine given to me on New Years. It’s still full.
Many thanks Claire,
You’re quite welcome for the mental imagery. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what the term means but given the sound of it, I’m quite sure it is something nasty, brutish and young.
Save that bottle of wine for a nice occasion. The international day of Older People is October 12th and that is always reason to celebrate.
Best,
Don
Why’d you switch back to your original header? Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d much rather state at a half naked chick than an 80 year old man. Just saying.
Dubba Tubba
Whoops. I meant to say “stare,” not “state” in my previous comment. That’s what happens when I start thinking about half naked chicks.
Many thanks Dubba Tubba,
I can appreciate that staring at an old geezer like me isn’t on anyone’s top 1o lists of things to do today but after some consideration I began to wonder if I was becoming no better than those damned pornographers I revile.
And so, for now, it’s back to the old header. I’m going to keep looking for new ones though. I’d hate to scare of any young person who accidently stumbles upon my little site.
All the best,
Don
Don, again , you are so right. A pre-mixed drink cannot in any way approach a freshly mixed drink in this or any other universe. Thanks for reminding us of our better selves
Thank you paper doll,
Glad to hear you agree. Many thanks for the comment and for stopping by to visit. I hope you’re well.
Best regards,
Don
Back in the day my mother drank a “dry martini” or a bloody mary. None of that sweet tutti fruitti crap or those dessert martinis. My father drank a bit of vodka with whatever was around.
I notice they flavor every drink in the liquor store with dessert flavors to get shy drinkers to get more.
In my day it was the lazy “screwdriver” or vodka and juice for the drink. Then they started with wine coolers and “zima” and other crap. I don’t drink much so it’s not much of an issue personally but making drinks “kiddie friendly” makes for younger and younger drinkers.
The sweetie drinks are usually lower in alcohol and high in sugar and chemical crap so they must buy more to get a buzz on as well unless they get some kind of super liquor like “everclear” and mix it with sweet stuff and they young people will be staggering all over the street.
Well said downcastmysoul,
You’re damned right these drink makers are luring in the young ones with these desert-flavored drinks. I expect it won’t be long before they introduce things like “Cookie Dough Vodka Stunner” and “Frankenberry Freakenberry Rum Punch – NOW with marshmallows!”
Damned disgraceful.
Thanks for visiting.
Don
p.s. Any idea where I can get a decent artificial hip. I don’t mind “used” but I’d prefer something with under 20,000 miles on it.
I think there is a Dr. Frankenberry in the neighborhood who is making something…I hear screams on dark stormy nights. Maybe he will sell me something cheap made from animal parts…we are all animals anyway. Your mileage may vary.
Thanks for looking into it downcastmysoul. I knew I could count on you, lass.
Don
Ok, I highly agree in the laziness factor in young people. But when the car was invented, you jumped on it and bought one, and still have one, so why not walk instead of drive? Are u being lazy? So why not pre-mixed drinks?
It’s bad enough these things Don speaks about generally have fallen away. What he does is to ensure the memory of them doesn’t disappear as well. Because then we lose them for good. So thanks Don for keeping the light on.
Hiya Don! I’ve been gone awhile — had to get back to making money the legitimate way…
Anyways, just wanted to say I’m a big fan of those fancy drinks, cuz I’m not one to put too much effort into getting my drink on. Pop a Smirnoff Green Apple Bite, add a snootful of vodka and fancy ice, sit down on my couch and drink. Fall asleep a half hour later.
Call me “Mrs. Excitement”
The Nerd
One more thing — my dad got busted last weekend. He lied to me most of my teenage years by telling me his father was a raging alcoholic and therefore, I was not to become a fan of the stuff cuz I had the “alcohol gene” in my family.
His sisters (my aunts) narced him out at a family wedding. No such thing in the family.
My dad’s your age. Very clever parenting technique — I need to do this with my young people. (who aren’t God Damned, by the way)
The Nerd
Many thanks Wordnerd,
Nice to see you back. Your dad sounds like a smart man. I’m not a fan of this modern parenting notion that you should be honest with your children. Fear is a great motivator and if you have to embellish the truth a little to get the results that are best for your sprogs – so be it.
And I’d suggest you lay off those soda pop alcohol drinks. I read an article in the Reader’s Digest recently that indicated they lead to Marxism, narcolepsy and will give you an irreversibly swollen tongue. (There may be some of that old school parental embellishing in there…)
Nice to see you. Thanks for visiting.
Don
Hello Mr. Mills. Though I myself don’t know how to mix a drink (since I don’t at all drink), I agree with what you said, particularly this : “It seems to me that the sole purpose of these damned drinks is just to get you as drunk as possible as fast as possible while making you think that removing your pants on a public street corner is both funny and appropriate.”
That is damn right sir. Just another excuse to do stupid things.
This as well is so, so true : “If this keeps up it won’t be long before we’re nothing more than a nation of fall-down drunks in pre-mixed marriages with pre-conceived children leading predetermined, prefabricated and preposterous lives.”
Would just like to change nation to ‘world’ there. One more thing is that, already, the advent of internet has contributed so much in making people stupid and lazy as hell. It has become like a world of it’s own. Though it’s invention is a great thing to have happened, but It is also the one thing making people lazier, dumber and, in a way, totally devoid of feelings if you think about it. In fact, sir I recommend you to read this article : http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21st-century-making-you-miserable.html
Many thanks for the thoughtful reply, Ravikant.
I will take a look at your recommended reading now.
Always nice to have you drop in lad. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Best regards,
Don
Those pre-mixed drinks are just as nasty as can be! I won’t touch them. I also refuse to drink what I refer to as horse-piss beer – those weak, pathetic beers with no real flavor. If I drink beer, it’s going to be a good Belgian white. As for liquor… all those fruity things are just silly and a trick to get you wasted in short order. Give me a Jameson and ginger ale any day and I’ll sit back and sip on it, happy as can be. Keep it up, sir.
. It’s time for me to pop out of the woodwork. I can make drinks, I make Martini’s, Mojito’s and Tequila sunrises the best. But seriously guys it’s not that bloody hard to make a drink. So if you’re going to get smashed,call me and do it in style.
I’m not worried about knowing how to mix a drink; I’ll pass on the drinks and keep my sanity instead of becoming another drunk fool stumbling around – or worse, out on the road.
Very interesting. It sounds like fun to mix your own drink. =)
Although it would be for the best if that was learned at an older age, preferably after you’re legal.
You wanna know the problem with old people nowadays?
They are smelly,think they know it all, and disrepect the laws. They smell like prunes and shower with with the same sponge they had for AGES. Secondly, y’all don’t know nothing. First of, “Cartons” isn’t a real thing. It’s spelled “CartOOns.” Finally, you “carbbyoldfarts” weren’t supposed to llearn how to mix drinks. Got it? You’re parents were messed up in the head.
Totally agree Don – young people (and most people these days) just have no discipline. They can’t mix drinks, but they mix up every other aspect of life.
Ok i just read this and had to laugh because it is a load of rubbsh! Excuse me sir but not all young people are like that and i think you’ll find that the older generation are much the same as the young people you are describing. I am a young person and have never touched a mixed drink in my life. Another thing, teaching children how to mix drinks and serve in a bar is counted as child abuse so to be honest the whole good example you are trying to get across is really not so great to be following. I am actually insulted by the things you say about young people because they are stereotypical, prejudiced and just plain rude. You would be the first to complain if a young person put up such a rude, offensive post about older people. Personally i think you need to revise your opinion and take into consideration the young people that are young carers for disabled siblings and other young people like this.
Sincerely, a very offended young person!
hhmmm…. Don I don’t know about us mixing drinks yet, we might take a few quick gulps in between handing out drinks and then start breaking bottles
It becomes rather difficult to learn how to bartend with that legal drinking age and all….