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The Very Horny Caterpillar and other Instructional Children’s Books

I’m beginning to think that the time has come to write off this current generation of young people as completely unfixable and focus our energies on preventing the next batch of sprogs from following in their path.

In support of this notion, I’ve written a series of instructional pre-school books designed to answer important questions and set the young ones down a road of decency, morality and proper American values.

Now I Understand Why I can’t go to Restaurants!

A wonderfully illustrated large print reader that explains to children exactly how their unrestrained behaviour and outlandish tantrums spoil the dining experience of everyone around them.

The story chronicles the misadventures of the Mr. and Mrs. Paddy O’Hamster and their 8 children who venture out for an ill-advised trip to a local restaurant. When the youngster’s shenanigans force the family to flee in embarrassment (and on an empty stomach!), Mrs and Mrs. O’Hamster are forced to make a difficult decision and elect to eat their own young!

Mommy, why do you have a tattoo on your Back?

In gentle language and with cute illustrations, this book explains how during a tequila and carrot fuelled misadventure, Mrs. Penny Bunny made a poor decision that resulted in permanent disfigurement and a life of heady regret.

Designed as a cautionary tale for curious toddlers the book helps parents in deterring their children from making the same questionable life choices they did.

Also in this series “Daddy will be back in 7 to 10” and “I Never Caught his Last Name.”

The ABCs of Respectable Middle Class Values

“C is for conformity which keeps us all the same / D is for the decency that shields us all from shame”

It’s never too early to start beating notions of morality into the heads of young people and reminding them that in addition to standing for Apple, “A” also stands for America!

This pragmatic and patriotic early-reader brings home the concepts of decent middle class values using light verse and heavy messaging. A must for any rambunctious child with a stubborn streak and a strong imagination.

“M is for the marriage that must last until you die / N is for normality, a trait for which we strive”

The Very Horny Caterpillar

The story follows a young caterpillar who spends an entire week feeding his depraved carnal appetites. Building from his first sexual curiosity to self-manipulation to the loss of his virginity to random acts of perversity behind the Hostess Chip rack at the 7-11, there is no act of obscenity that the very horny caterpillar will not try and no one he will not attempt to mount.

At the conclusion, the very horny caterpillar becomes unwell, cocoons himself and emerges reborn and with a new sense of morality and a permanent cold sore.

Dick and Jane are Morbidly Obese

A new twist on an old classic, our modern day Dick and Jane eschew exercise and spend their days guzzling soda, scarfing down curly fries, sexting each other and giving supertokes to their dog Spot.

Naturally, it isn’t long before their gluttony and sedentary lifestyle leads to unfortunate consequences like a sweatpant-only wardrobe, type 2 diabetes and early onset heart disease.

See Dick.
Dick loves to Eat.
Dick once ate an entire Ham.
Eat, Dick, Eat.

ONE, TWO, THREE…Learning to Count Suspicious Neighbors!

“Finally, a book I can read with grandma!”

Counting can be fun! Especially when it’s in aid of Homeland Security.
This important pre-school classic makes learning to count fun while also helping teach your child how to be vigilant in the search for cannibas grow-ops, potential terror cells, communist operatives and other clear and present neighbourhood dangers.

Parents and children alike can enjoy over 2 dozen workbook exercises including counting and recording out-of-state licence plates, counting the number of questionable visitors next door and noting the times of their arrival and departure

I Can Earn My Keep!

A beautifully illustrated children’s book that disabuses youngsters of their notions of entitlement and promotes personal responsibility by encouraging them to assume progressively more challenging household tasks.

Example chapters include: “I can make my bed!”, “I can wax the floors!” and “I can pull a moldboard plow!”

Coming next in my little readers series:

“The Infected Piercing Pop Up Book”
“Decent-Indecent: A Spot the Differences Book”
“Clifford: The Big Red Menace”
“Hooray! I’m Going to Military School”
“Let’s Leave Grandpa Alone”

And much, much more.

95 Comments leave one →
  1. 7:38 pm

    Please, please, please get the restaurant book out ASAP.

    • 7:48 pm

      Thank you sledpress,

      It’s top of the list but drawing Irish Hamsters is proving to be more challenging than I would have thought. They keep coming out looking like Scottish gerbils. If you know anyone with a keen eye, a steady hand and a decent assortment of pencil crayons please ask them to give me a call.

      Hope all is well, Sledpress. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Warm regards,

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        8:50 pm

        Hamsters and Gerbils in madcap adventures? Sir, you may want to avoid potential litigation by clearing that book with the folks down at The Riverbank before publishing it. I hear Hammy & Co have some vicious vermin on retainer. Bubonic carrying rats, if I’m not mistaken.

        • 11:47 pm

          Thanks for the tip Sedate Me.

          Truth be told I was more concerned about the caterpillar fellow, Eric Carle. From what I gather, he’s turned that damned insect into a very hungry multi-national corporation.

          Still, I suppose you’re right. I wouldn’t want to cross Hammy and end up with my ass staple-gunned into a two-seater airplane to nowhere. That’s just cruel.

          All the best,

          Don

    • 8:48 am

      Grumpy old bastard. You just miss your youthful healthfulness and you’re fearing death…it’s alright, it means deep down you’re intelligent enough to realize that God doesn’t exist, although you’ll keep pushing that further into your subconscious…

      • 6:39 pm

        Good Christ,

        I appreciate the dime store psychoanalysis lad but I’m afreud you’re nowhere near the mark on this particular assessment. The only things I miss from my youth are squirrel nut zippers, Schwinn Aerocycle and phrenology (now there was a pseudoscience you could trust!).

        Still, full marks for trying, lsjdfl

        All the best,

        Don

  2. 7:53 pm

    You are to be commended, Don, on your tireless endeavour to turn the younger generation into well-mannered, hard-working, respectful citizens – a thankless task, I fear !

    • 7:57 pm

      Many thanks Duncan.

      It’s tiring work, there’s no doubt about that, but if I can get even one shiftless layabout to pull his pants up over his ass and get himself a decent job shoeing horses or tapping train wheels it will have been well worth the fight.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 4:51 am

        Donald your humility speaks of a time, sadly long past, where sacrifice for the common good was more important than personal promotion. Sell lots of these books, the no good youth of today need them!

  3. 7:56 pm

    This is the best thing I’ve ever read. If these were actual books, I’d buy them now for my future kids.

    • 8:00 pm

      Thank you Ashe,

      Always wise to plan ahead. Provided you’re not planning to go into labor before the end of August I’ll see what I can do. I’m on a fixed income, after all, and every little bit of extra pin money helps.

      Thanks very much for visiting.

      Don

  4. holygypsy permalink
    8:07 pm

    Lol .. you are hilarious.. and Practical.. ! I must say I admire your vision and highly value your critical eye in regards to the potentials that the future generation holds!

    • 8:44 pm

      Many thanks holygypsy,

      I’ve always tried to be a practical man. And I really do think the time has come to cut our losses with the current gaggle of young people and see if we can’t salvage the next.

      All the best,

      Don

  5. 8:13 pm

    That whole “Go to F*ck to Sleep” book has nothing on these. Instant classics one and all.

    Poor old Dick used to run with his dog Sandy. Now he is eating Sandy’s food out of her bowl because he can’t get enough.

    • 8:46 pm

      Thank you Bearman,

      I appreciate the kind words. If you’re able to sketch a decent hamster, petulant tortoise or gormless toddler perhaps we can strike up some manner of partnership. All the young people I draw end up looking like William Taft.

      All the best,

      Don

    • 4:23 am

      This made me think about that “Go the F*ck to Sleep Book”. There is a real market for honesty about the lazy parenting around us, Mr. Mills — these look like real gems. I’d wait in line for the Dick & Jane Are Obese book…

      • 1:44 pm

        Thank you kindly Heather.

        I’m also working on a Lardy Boys Detective Series that appears to have some promise.

        Appreciate the kind words,

        All the best,

        Don

        • Sedate Me permalink
          9:05 pm

          A Lardy Boys series certainly holds a lot of promise, sir. If you need help writing the books, I’m pretty sure Brian McFarlane will be more than willing and able to pick up where his dad left off and crank them out by the bucket load. The Lardy Boys: On Thin Ice would be a natural for him.

          But something tells me The Lardy Boys won’t be solving too many tough cases. They may have good computer skills, but I doubt they’ll be running down too many criminals, or out-thinking many evil masterminds.

          But there’s no such thing as “failure” with this generation, right? The mayor will still be passing out commendations either way, so as not to harm their fragile little egos.

  6. 9:00 pm

    Don;

    You’re today’s answer to Dr. Seuss.

    (If today’s kids even know who that is!)

    • 9:23 pm

      Many thanks Friar,

      Unfortunately, for some of these youngsters today, hopping on pop could result in several rib fractures.

      All the best. Hope the fish have been biting.

      Don

  7. 9:17 pm

    I love the concept and the series needs to be required reading in all elementary schools- or high schools, since most teens read at elementary school level. But I have a bone to pick. In Now I Understand Why I can’t go to Restaurants! the children’s parents are forced to flee from the restaurant in embarrassment from their children’s shenanigans. This book needs a parent’s version, since I never see parents today that are not tolerant of, if not downright encouraging of, their kids’ stupid restaurant antics. For some reason they find it cute and thrilling when their kids crawl under other people’s tables and throw semi-digested vegetables on other people’s plates. Those parents think their children can do no wrong, and keep up that viewpoint through their kids repeated trials and incarcerations. Those parents need to be stopped while their kids are young and have a fighting chance at being whipped into shape.

    • 9:30 pm

      Thank you bmj2k,

      I couldn’t agree more about the parents and admit that perhaps I was a little too focused on the sprogs. I thought that if they were consumed with the fear of being consumed they might sort themselves out and behave. Likely damned naive of me…

      You’ve given me a good deal to consider and I may need to expand my publishing empire to include some parenting books. “You’re child IS special – but only to you” sort of titles. I’ll have to sit down at the Olivetti and see what I can come up with. I tend to agree that this issue needs to be addressed on both fronts.

      Many thanks for the comment, bmj2k. You’ve given me a great deal to consider.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 4:55 am

        Olivetti – I knew it, you use a typewriter instead of one of those pernicious modern word processor type thingies – thank you for keeping the faith Donald. Lomg may white out bless your posts!

  8. 10:34 pm

    Reading your post made me laugh out loud! You’re a guy after my own heart! My kids were brought up to be; seen and not heard; Actions have consequences and ther’s no such thing as a free lunch!
    PiP

    • 10:47 pm

      Many thanks PiP,

      A sound approach to parenting – well done. I was actually toying with the idea of “Unseen-Unheard and other Common Sense Nursery Rhymes” as one of the titles. Some of these notions seem to have gone the way of the Jefferson ground sloth.

      Many thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  9. bigsheepcommunications permalink
    10:37 pm

    I hear your A,B,C book is already a tea party best seller – you must be so proud!

    • 10:54 pm

      Many thanks bigsheepcommunications,

      Never cared much for tea. More a black coffee with 2 sugars sort of man myself.

      In truth, I don’t really care what political stripe anyone is or what party they belong to (as long as they aren’t a member of the damned house party – I’ve lived next to that for the past 10 years and have no tolerance for those assclowns whatsoever).

      I want everyone to buy the books. As far as I can see there is no particular ideology associated with being an idiot young person or an idiot parent. It would seem it’s the glue that binds the nation.

      All the best and thanks for popping by. Always good to hear from you.

      Don

  10. 11:37 pm

    That was hilarious. I think if “Go the F**k to Sleep” (a national bestseller) can make it, The Crabby Old Fart collection should be the best thing since Beatrix Potter.

    • 1:54 pm

      Thank you Heidi,

      My wife, Aggie, was a fan of the Potter Books. I was more of a Jungle Book lad myself.

      All the best, Heidi, and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  11. Hanna permalink
    12:05 am

    I love the “Now I Understand Why I can’t go to Restaurants” and “I Can Earn My Keep” ^_^. Looking forward to more ‘books’ of yours🙂

    • 2:15 pm

      Many thanks Hanna.

      I have a few more in the works – just need to find my colored pencils and I’ll be back at it.

      All the best,

      Don

  12. 12:10 am

    I can’t wait for the “Decent-Indecent: A Spot the Differences Book”. Those things can be so hard to tell these days, you almost need a book on it.

    • 2:15 pm

      Thank you Tricia,

      It’s a fairly exhaustive tome and one that should keep the young ones busy for hours on end. The “Boy Scout/Gang Banger” page has over 300 differences alone.

      Always a pleasure to have you stop in.

      Best,

      Don

  13. Jacob S permalink
    1:08 am

    For the slightly more advanced reader: “You’re not really that special: Common Myths learned in School”

    • 2:19 pm

      Many thanks Jacob S,

      An excellent title. Though I might be inclined to change it slightly to “You’re not really that special: Common myths learned at home from your doting parents and then reinforced by questionable television programming and a faulty education system.”

      Of course, that doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

      Best regards,

      Don

  14. 2:29 am

    I want the complete set, please. I hope it begins with “Let’s Leave Grandpa Alone” or “Now I Know Why …”

    • 11:19 pm

      Thank you publikworks,

      Personally, I think everything should begin with “Let’s Leave Grandpa Alone.” You really can’t go wrong with that thought.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  15. 3:04 am

    These are some cleaver titles and wonderful concepts. lol I’m actually kind of young myself but I must say I really enjoy your blog!

    • 11:20 pm

      Thank you Jean.

      Glad you enjoy the blog and I appreciate your taking the time to let me know.

      Best regards,

      Don

  16. Pamela permalink
    3:55 am

    Excellent! Once again another laugh-out-loud post by Donald Mills! Thank you for being so entertaining!🙂

  17. 4:25 am

    Mr. Mills,

    Once my sides and stomach stop torturously aching from renewed gales of laughter at the title/content description of each genius tome, I’d like to respectfully place my order for the entire series. Said order will be more than substantial, I do hope you’ve looked into mass production of good old-fashioned bound paper volumes? E-readers are the work of the Communists, afterall.😉

    Seriously, though- thank you for gifting us with yet another inimitably brilliant post. Highest comedy. The core workout from laughing hard enough to bruise a rib, was simply a bonus. You are a treasure, sir.

    Respectfully,
    MaryPoppinSertraline

    • Sedate Me permalink
      9:02 pm

      It wouldn’t surprise me at all if most people who have E-readers can’t even read. They just use them to download “books” to appear well-read the way past generations bought books and put them on their bookshelves to impress visitors in between collecting dust.

      • 12:05 am

        Excellent points, Sedate Me! As a housecleaner-on-the-side for decades, I’M the one cleaning the dust/cobwebs off the book collections of my clients. Titles for “show” are always to the front (Obviously), but since I am a deep-cleaner, I discovered the books they really read are pushed back to the row behind. Come to think, their coffee table books are as showy, but their bathroom reading material is the real eye-opener. Why can’t people just be genuine?

    • 11:28 pm

      Thank you MaryPoppinSertraline,

      You’re very kind. No need to worry about the e-reader. Not only would I have no idea how to make one but I’ve got about 14 boxes of gently used foolscap, notepaper and scrap paper collecting dust in the garage and basement and according to the fire department it all needs to go. So, bound hard copies it is.

      I’ll be sure to get you a copy as soon as they’re done.

      All the best,

      Don

  18. 12:37 pm

    Don you’re going to be rich I tell you, rich, rich, rich!
    These are hilarious!
    I must have them.
    I bought the “Go The F**k To Sleep” one for each of my married children, but your ideas are far superior.
    Oh but darling please write one about,”If You Don’t Behave It’s 20 Minutes In The Rubber Room For You With The Great Wallendas.”
    Love gmom

    • 11:30 pm

      Many thanks Gmom,

      It might be hard to get all those words on the cover (I generally lean toward large print both when writing and reading) but I’ll be sure to see what I can do. It is a catchy title, there’s no denying that.

      All the best. Always a pleasure to have you stop in.

      Don

  19. 1:25 pm

    I illustrate my own blog and I will gladly illustrate any of the books proposed here, especially the hamster one. I can strike just the right balance between the instructive and appealing hamster family theme, and the cannibalistic carnage of the final scene.

    • 11:38 pm

      Thank you Alana,

      It sounds like you may have exactly the skills I’m looking for. Just remember that these are Irish Hamsters. I picture Paddy with a twinkle in his eye, a tweed cap and jacket, a and a pint of Guiness in his hand (when he’s not eating his children). You may want to throw in some damned shamrocks too.

      All the best.

      Don

  20. 2:08 pm

    All of these are practical and inspired. My personal favorite is ‘The Infected Piercing Pop-up Book’.

    • 11:39 pm

      Many thanks aimlessjonah,

      Still having some problems getting the pop-ups to pop but it as soon as I work out the details it will be on the shelves too.

      Best regards,

      Don

  21. 2:30 pm

    I will be anxiously awaiting this series!🙂

    • 11:40 pm

      Thank you kanniduba,

      Appreciate your taking the time to stop by, read the post and leave me a note.

      All the best,

      Don

  22. 5:13 pm

    I am looking forward to reading all of your books to my daughter. Thank you for taking the time to reach out to the future of America. Forgive me for being forward, but I have a haiku you may want to use in a future book:

    My lawn’s always green;
    Fertilizer, seeds, and work
    STAY OFF OF MY LAWN!

    • 1:42 pm

      Many thanks Ahmnodt,

      I usually prefer poems that rhyme but that’s a fine haiku and will fit nicely in any upcoming anthology of verse. I appreciate it.

      All the best,

      Don

  23. 8:08 pm

    I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time! These books should be on every standard curriculum!

    • 1:43 pm

      Many thanks Molly,

      I appreciate the kind words. Many thanks for visiting.

      All the best,

      Don

  24. 9:09 pm

    I smell Newbery Medal winners here, Don.

    How about “The Cat In The Hat”, using catchy rhyming verse to explain why pimp (and ho) are NOT good career choices.

    • 2:00 pm

      Thank you pegoleg,

      I think the remaking of “The Cat in the Hat” with a slightly more urban feel is an excellent idea and one whose time has surely come. I’ll just have to work on finding appropriate roles for Thing #1 and Thing #2.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        2:14 pm

        Sir, may I suggest The Cat In The Hood ?

        As for Thing #1 & #2, depending on what tone you want the story to have, I think prostitutes, drug dealers, children with baby daddies of unknown origin and (most certainly) E-junkies could all work.

  25. Anonymous permalink
    10:06 pm

    Your early readers are destined to become classics! Can’t wait to buy the whole batch for my own soon-to-be-discovered grandchildren. Keep up the good work, Donald,
    Your friend, Ahhhnold (Schwartzy to you, my friend)

    • 12:18 am

      Many thanks Schwartzy,

      Very nice to hear from you. I trust you’re keeping well and that all is good in your neck of the woods. Let me know when that soon-to-be-discovered grandchild arrives and I’ll be sure to send a set right over.

      Thanks for visiting.

      Don

  26. 12:54 am

    I must admit that I was unfamiliar with your work, prior to today. I have read a bit of your uncle John Stuart Mills works, and many years ago I watched your cousin Hayley Mills in that Disney movie she was in, so your family is not entirely unfamiliar to me. Mostly I am writing to suggest that you try to strike a deal with fine dining establishments such as Friendly’s and Chucky Cheese to market your works in their lobbies. It seems like a natural fit for such works as “Now I Understand . . .” and “Dick and Jane Are Morbidly Obese”.

    • 12:34 am

      Many thanks Daniel,

      I’m afraid you must have me confused with some other Don Mills. I had three uncles but one was named Leslie ( a ne’er-do-well drunkard), one was named Edward (a wealthy brewer who was fond of the horses) and one was named Wynford (we don’t speak about him much). There were plenty of Johns in the family and no shortage of Stuarts but I’m almost certain I only had the three uncles.

      As for Hayley – well I can’t be sure. I come from a large family and she does have a touch of the Mills forehead in her but I’ve never seen anything which conclusively proves we’re family.

      Regardless, I appreciate the comment and the suggestion that I reach out the Friendly’s and Chucky Cheese. It does seem like a logical fit but I have to admit I’m loathe to the idea of going into either one of those places.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  27. 5:14 am

    The restaurant book is a must! There should also be a parent guidebook with examples of when to eat their young. Spilling drinks, throwing silverware on the floor, and screaming are all eat-able offenses.

    • 12:35 am

      Thank you yellowcat,

      Fine suggestions for parental cues. Perhaps some recipes would be helpful too (but that might just be going too far).

      All the best. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

  28. 9:18 am

    i think you should write a guide for parents, too, don. first chapter: discipline at the end of a melon baller. who needs tiger moms when we have don?

    • 12:41 am

      Thank you Nonnie,

      Ah, the melon baller…my old mom’s favorite implement of discipline.

      She could have written an entire book how to turn common kitchen utensils into instruments of fear. Whisks, lemon reamers, rolling pins…she could tan your hide and make a delicious apple pie at the same time. Hell of a woman – but you were wise to stay away from her if she was in a bad mood and had a cherry pitter in her hand.

      Always lovely to hear from you Nonnie. Hope all is well .

      Don

  29. 10:26 am

    A good list to start Mr. Mills. But you need to keep expanding the series.

    What about:
    The Lord’s Prayer (and other Fairy Tales)
    and
    Why Mummy has so many boyfriends, and why they keep giving her money
    and my real favourite
    Enyd Blyton’s “Famous Five” and why aren’t they in school, f*cking truants, Christ.

    Keep up the good work.

    • 12:45 am

      Many thanks TwistedScottishBastard,

      More fine suggestions. It is beginning to appear that we could fill a small library with instructional titles and still only be scratching the surface of the problems with young people today. Of course, the only problem with filling a small library with books would be that the damned young people would never read them anyway.

      All the best TwistedScottishBastard. Appreciate your stopping in.

      Don

  30. 12:58 am

    Donald,

    I look forward to your new adventure, however , I suggest you steer far and away from the new ( scratch & sniff ) technology all the publishers are trying to sell these days …..it wouldn’t pretty…best of luck…~ Dave

    • 7:31 pm

      Thank you David,

      Fine advice. I agree, the scratch and sniff technology could be particularly problematic – especially since I have no idea where I would find patchouli oil or cannabis and don’t fancy the idea of rubbing flavored condoms on the pages of my books.

      All the best, David, and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  31. 1:05 am

    fire my editor !!

  32. Sedate Me permalink
    2:36 pm

    Sir, once again you’ve come up with another great product for Donald Mills Enterprises. (See: board games & trading cards) This might be your best yet. How many great ideas can you afford to pass up on? You’re not getting any younger, you know.

    Actually, this idea could get you some serious coin with not much effort. Books for youngsters are really short. All you need is an illustrator (you’ve already got one offer) and some alone time with your typewriter. You might just wind up selling them on-line, but you could just as easily find yourself on the New York Times Best Seller List.

    But don’t just think of the money. Think of the legacy you could leave behind. You could reverse some of the damage our toxic culture has inflicted on society. Think of the children, sir, the children who will learn that it is wrong to trespass on people’s yards. Do it for them!

    • 7:31 pm

      Thank you for the note of encouragement, Sedate Me.

      I may well take your advice. I’ve read some of things that pass for children’s books and you’re quite right – they don’t appear entirely taxing to write and are certainly on the short side. Once I come up with a rhyme for “Irish Hamster” I should be able to knock the first volume off in a couple of hours.

      I’ll have to follow up with that illustrator and she what she can do. I picture Paddy O’Hamster as a cross between William Demarest and Colm Meaney.

      Always a pleasure to have you stop in, Sedate Me.

      Don

  33. 2:48 pm

    I like your approach of writing books for today’s children. I think Natural Selection will take care of the rest of the people who ignored the lessons you are suggesting…

    • 7:33 pm

      Thank you Margie,

      Normally I’d be inclined to agree but I’m beginning to think that natural selection isn’t working too well these days.

      Thanks for stopping in. All the best,

      Don

  34. MyRobbie permalink
    12:37 am

    Wow, I would love to pre-order the “Decent-Indecent: A Spot the Differences Book.” I would also love to order (right now) “Mommy, why do you have a tattoo on your back?” My sister-in-law’s birthday is coming up.

    Yours in utter disbelief at the world today,

    MyRobbie

    • 7:40 pm

      Very nice to hear from you MyRobbie,

      I’ll see what I can do about getting you an advance copy of “Mommy, why do you have a tattoo on your back?” As far as cautionary tales go, I think it’s one of my better works.

      I trust you’re keeping well.

      All the best,

      Don

    • 9:32 pm

      It’s hard to find an example of “decent” in a world where the only people without excessive tats and piercings are the Amish, the Mormon missionaries (their ties and white shirts and bikes are a dead giveaway) and Muslim women who wear the full burqua. (the Muslim women may have tats and piercings under all those yards of cloth, but at least if they do, nobody else has to see them.)

      As far as “indecent” goes, one trip through the Ohio State main campus will give one all the near nudity and human freak show factor one can stand. Bonus points for correctly guessing the gender (s) of each multiply pierced, tye-dyed, heavily inked, barely covered individual.

  35. Tom permalink
    2:51 pm

    I learned that trying to get a kid to read anything besides their “twitter” and “facebook” posts is a daunting task. If some of them won’t read warning labels (apparently it’s not “cool” anymore to read those anymore with the younger generation.)

    I have heard that most schools these days aren’t really stressing the importance of literacy. Sad really, but not as sad as knowing some of new generation don’t even know what literacy even means, let alone spell it in some cases.

  36. 6:35 am

    Oh my goodness, I would love to see these on my kids’ summer reading lists. I’m sure they’d get more from it than the drivel they’re asked to read now. This reminds me of the “Help Me Be Good” series by Joy Berry that I had when I was a kid–with slightly different topics, since I’m old enough to remember when tattoos were only for sailors or ex-cons.
    Fabulous post, sir. Again.

  37. 9:21 pm

    Along the lines of the restaurant book- we need a cautionary tale involving old cougars having laser guns to vaporize screaming and/or unruly children in Target…or maybe we should turn us old cougars loose on the miscreant parents who dare to allow their children to scream and writhe their way through department stores unchecked? How about “Jennifer’s Mommy is Swimming With the Fishes,” or “When Brad Was Bad He Lost His Dad?” A sort of Mafia theme- to get the parents to get the kids in line.

  38. 10:40 am

    That’s one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read! My favorites are the “Paddy O’Hamsters” eating their children (perhaps a wild take on Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”) and “Dick and Jane are Morbidly Obese”! As a morbidly obese person myself, who also grew up reading the “Dick and Jane” books, I wish that one were available when I was in college actually–because I didn’t start gaining weight until my second year of college! And giving “Spot” tokes just completes the sale of that book for me! You are one ingenious humorist!

  39. Elizabeth permalink
    3:14 am

    You are seriously absolutely hilarious and I can’t talk while reading your posts because I’m laughing so hard. Keep doin’ what you’re doin’ and God bless!

  40. Dr Tim permalink
    8:32 pm

    Dear Don

    Mrs Dr Tim and I are not the sort of people whose children moved from their chairs, or spoke, scratched, or emitted gas, when in restaurants. But I’ll take the set for the grandchildren, nevertheless.

    Good to see that you are keeping up the good work.

    Very best regards

    Dr Tim

  41. 2:46 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    It’s been a while, but I had to write to tell you I would buy every one of these books for my nieces and nephews.

    Those little rat bastards have to learn before they have kids of their own.

    Kind regards,
    Dr. King

  42. The Husband permalink
    7:20 am

    I can’t wait for the next little reader series. Thank you for sharing with us.

  43. Rage of Those Interrupted permalink
    9:14 pm

    I would buy these books in a heartbeat. I agree with Momfog, these would be hilarious to see at school.

  44. Wide awake permalink
    9:58 am

    I was laughing so hard at your book ideas that I woke up my significant other. I was asked to be quiet, but I only had a few more lines to read (I couldn’t help myself), and now I’m getting scolded. It was worth it. Please find a way to publish these titles. Your writing is hilarious!

  45. Anonymous permalink
    8:43 am

    lol fuck oldies.

  46. Anonymous permalink
    8:44 am

    grumpy old bastard

  47. Anonymous permalink
    6:27 pm

    Don’t you mean the caterpillar spent an entire week, not weak? What’s wrong with Grumpy Old Bastards these days?

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