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What the Hell Are Young People Thinking?

 

Old people and young people think about very different things.

Here, for example, is a chart which shows what runs through the mind of an average older person.

 What old People think about

 

Damned sensible stuff.

Compare that to the sloppy thoughts of your average damned young person.

 What young People think about

 

Startling differences I’m sure you’ll agree. And further proof that damned young people are nothing but trouble.

P.S. I’m taking a week off to go fishing with my old friend Hubert Brockington so my next post won’t be until the 19th of July.

In the interim, I’ve asked my half-wit younger brother, York, to respond to comments on my behalf. Hopefully he won’t offend anyone or say anything too damned stupid.

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147 Comments leave one →
  1. York Mills permalink
    5:46 pm

    Where am I? Hee hee. Just joshing.

    Thanks Donny boy… It’ll be nice to meet some young people. I’ll leave my wallet at home. Hee hee hee. Just kidding.

    Have fun fishing you old fuddy duddy. Make sure you use the proper bait. I suggest grubs, curly tails, and dingers.

  2. 6:22 pm

    Hi York. I’m Ivan. Please don’t shoot I’m 43. Listen, are you acquainted with that “While You Were Out” show? So, here is the deal: let’s get our buddy Don’s recliner an extreme makeover? We must take that fart smell out and the time is now!!

    • York Mills permalink
      6:41 pm

      Hee hee hee! That’s funny! Hi there, Ivan, a real pleasure to meet you son. I remember 43. The prime of life. Enjoy it, young man!

      I think this idea of yours is hoot. Although getting rid of a fart smell is one tough chore and getting rid of an old fart smell may be darn impossible. But I say let’s give it a try.

  3. 6:23 pm

    Hi York and have fun fishing, Donald. Your charts are right on the mark.

    • York Mills permalink
      6:44 pm

      Hi there Lilian, and thanks for making me feel right at home.

      By the way, what chart is this you’re talking of?

      …Oh! Right. The one that Don wrote! Hee hee hee. Sorry, must have mixed up my medication.

  4. denise permalink
    6:28 pm

    *laughing* Outstanding!

    Enjoy the fishing excursion. :)

    • York Mills permalink
      6:47 pm

      Hi denise,

      Don is fishing for pike. I always tell him that when fishing for pike to use a shallow running stick bait. But he never listens to me, the silly old coot. Hee hee!

  5. 6:48 pm

    LOL. Very funny Don. I hope you have fun on your trip. Don’t have a fishing trip like the ones I go on, which consists of putting bate on a hook just to feed the fish, getting my line tangled every other cast and hooking my fishing mate about three times.

    • York Mills permalink
      6:53 pm

      Is LOL a fishing term, Eric? I’ve never heard of it. Does it have anything to do with spinnerbaits? Hee hee hee! Just pulling your leg, son. You remind me of me when I was a young man. Clumsy but darn funny. Watch out for those hooks!

  6. 8:43 pm

    Is this a fishing trip that involves beer, or just Ovaltine?

    I’m trying to get a perspective here.

    • York Mills permalink
      9:51 pm

      Hi there sledpress,

      Nice to make your acquaintance. I suspect Don will bring a bit of rye with him. Just to keep him warm at nights. And if the rye doesn’t warm his cockles, he can always look to Hubert. Hee hee hee! I’m just joshing, of course. Hope I didn’t take it too far. (And my apologies to Don and the memory of Aggie.)

  7. Lily permalink
    8:46 pm

    Dear Mr York Mills,

    Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lily Fossil from Australia. I am a crabby old pensioner with little time for lazy, rude, egotistical, narcissistic young people and have no qualms about voicing my opinions about their disgusting behaviour.

    I hope Donald is having a relaxing time fishing; he certainly deserves a break from the relentless social commentating he does as a community service, here on his blog.

    I hope you enjoy your time with us, York,

    Yours truly,

    Lily Fossil

    • York Mills permalink
      9:55 pm

      Oh my… Why, hello, Lily thank you for the welcome and might I say I am very charmed to meet you! I appreciate the kindness you’ve shown my older brother, Don. And I can tell you’re a fascinating woman, Lily…your picture is quite lovely. Your hat and that sparkle in your eye. Do you mind me saying so? I can be rather forward – a bad habit but you’re only old once, Lily. Am I right?

      • Lily permalink
        11:15 pm

        Dear York,

        Thank you for those kind words, but flattery will get you nowhere.

        Truth be told, my heart belongs to Donald, though I am a little concerned at his apparent fondness for rye and I hope he isn’t hitting the bottle too hard with whatshisface…. Hubert. I know what these old codgers get up to on their “fishing trips”. I wasn’t born yesterday!

        Two old farts sleeping together in a tent puts me off my food frankly.

        Best wishes,

        Lily Fossil

        • Lily permalink
          11:24 pm

          ps

          Goodness gracious me; I have just had the most dreadful thought.

          You don’t think Donald and Hubert are up to any of that “Brokeback Mountain” shenanigans do you?

          • York Mills permalink
            11:27 pm

            Hee hee!

            Of course I do!

            Just joshing. He may drink to excess but I can’t imagine Don and ol’ Hubie getting up to anything more than sharing a can of worms.

            • 4:50 pm

              well we’ll all know the answer to that if he comes back with crabs instead of fish now won’t we

              • York Mills permalink
                5:53 pm

                Hee hee!

                Oh, that’s a humdinger of a corker, It! Made me LOL — as the young people say. Or spell, I suppose…

                Hee hee…

          • 10:35 pm

            Dear Lily,
            May I confide in you? For many years I had a passion for Dame Edna Everage. I thought her every inch a woman. Can you imagine the hurt and confusion I felt when I found out that this was not the case? Dashed beyond all human reach, I withdrew from the world of romance and hanky-panky, seeking solace in poetry and ferreting. Now, at 97 years of age, it seems my fires have not completely gone out, and I feel I am ready to abandon myself to “l’amour” anew.
            Let me take you away from Don and Dork and strong drink and Hubert and fish. You’re too good for all that. Just give me a sign and I’ll be down under in a flash; that is, unless you are Barry Humphries.
            Yours,
            M
            x

            • Lily permalink
              11:19 pm

              Dear Mike,

              Lovely to hear from you again. I thought you had dropped off your perch.

              It does seem odd that as soon as Donald is out of the picture, I seem to be attracting the attentions of certain males who have dragged themselves out of napthalene for one last ditched attempt at romance and hanky panky.

              Whilst I can fully appreciate your being smitten by my devastatingly good dress sense, my undoubtable alluring charm and compose and no doubt you find my intelligence simply irresistible, I have to admit that I am quite the stranger to romance.

              And as for hanky panky I have had none of that since last century, though I do recall that the unfortunate mate had a cardiac arrest whilst “performing” the deed and this resulted in an emergency trip to the hospital for a triple by-pass operation, an experience I do not wish to repeat.

              At 97, I’m afraid ferreting ( is that a euphemism for some activity that I am unaware of?) may be your only source of pleasure from now on.

              Kind regards,

              Lily Fossil

              • York Mills permalink
                12:40 am

                Good move, Lily!

                Take that, Pike!

                So, Ms. Fossil… Would you like to go dancing tonight?

                • Lily permalink
                  2:08 am

                  No

                • York Mills permalink
                  2:18 am

                  Dinner then?

                  Hee hee. Just joshing, Ms. Fossil. You have a nice day. I have a good feeling that young Bob Trusty’s mum is interested in cutting a rug with me. If not, there’s always the girls at the Euchre Club.

                • Mike permalink
                  10:39 am

                  Dear Pork,
                  Since that Aussie bird won’t cooperate; how would you like a spot of hanky-panky? If you still have a jib, I’m sure I’d like the cut of it.
                  Don’t be shy.
                  Hugs,
                  M

            • York Mills permalink
              12:37 am

              Hee hee!

              You spelt my name wrong, Pike!

              P.S. Dame Edna Everage is a man? I’m afraid to ask how you found out.

              Whoopee!

              Hee hee hee hee…

              • 1:30 pm

                Dear Fork,
                I note you have spelt MY name wrong. Is this an act of petty spite, senility, illiteracy or have you simply got me mixed up with the voracious freshwater fish that Don seeks as I write? I have to tell you that there is no resemblance.
                It seems I might have misspelt YOUR name…in that case; I apologise, and promise it will never happen again.
                Now then Torg, I have to tell you that you are too old and too barmy for Ms. Fossil.
                So keep your mitts off.
                I note also that you have not replied to my other letter to you. Don’t you Americans ever get out of bed? Are you in denial?
                Slightly less hugs,
                M

                • York Mills permalink
                  4:19 pm

                  Hee hee! Sorry about the delay, Mite!

                  It’s lawnbowling day! And so I was out lawnbowling. Because that’s what I do on lawnbowling day. Oh, oh. I’m repeating myself.

                  Hee hee…

                  Oh, you’re a cracker alright. I haven’t mixed up people and fish since my medication was corrected. Hee hee…

                  I’m glad you’ve still got your jib. I’ve still got my jab. Together we have a “Jib Jab” We should make a movie: “How Pork and Mipe Got Their Jib Jab Back!”

                  Hee hee hee hee….

                  Wahoo!

        • York Mills permalink
          11:25 pm

          Well, my heart is broken, Lily, but of course I understand. And yes, you are right to be concerned about his fondness for rye. Don’s a drinker. Not me. Never touch the stuff. But ol’ Don can’t get enough of it. Morning, noon and night.

          But not me. I never touch the stuff.

  8. Burlinton Mills permalink
    9:34 pm

    Hey Yorkie, Donnie;

    I think we must be cousins or something! Anyways…..show me some old people thinking…who cares what those young little shits think about!

    • York Mills permalink
      9:59 pm

      Hee hee hee! You made me do a tea spit take!

      Nice to know you, Burlinton. I used to have a cottage in a town called Burlington. Great fishing town. Friendly folk too. Darn fine memories…

  9. 9:37 pm

    I would agree that younger folk think a little more on the shallow side, but didnt you all think about stuff like that when you were younger…oh i forgot Donald injects that air of perfection about his generation………hope donalds fishing trip is enjoyable and he will be missed …York filling in his stead..since Donald calls him a halfwit I will not bother making conversation with him and perhaps will wait until Donald returns…Zman sends

    • York Mills permalink
      10:02 pm

      Holy Yosemite Sam!

      You strike me as a military type, son. Very disciplined and straight forward. I could be wrong. But that’s my guess. Hee hee. Anyhoo, I’m here if you change your mind son, it may be only half a wit, but it’s one heck of a half wit. (PS. Don has the other half!)

  10. 11:53 pm

    York,

    You are doing a great job with the commenting! I’m sure Don would be very proud, in that stubborn, bolshie and cantankerously (is that a word?) uncompromising way of his.

    And don’t worry if you start to feel overwhelmed. It may take a while to get into the swing of things, especially because Don has acquired quite the blog following since he started offering his opinion on young people.

    But so long as you remember to respect everyone’s opinion (even if you don’t agree with it),understand the complex nature of Don and Lily’s relationship, and occassionally refer to the fact that old men are gracious lovers, you’ll fill Don’s shoes just fine.

    Have fun, York!

    Bschooled

    • Lily permalink
      12:37 am

      Dear Ms Bs,

      Now listen up young lady.

      Don’t you think I have had enough shocks for one morning? Firstly, I find out Donald has snuck off on a “fishing trip” with “Hubert” (and quite frankly my dear, I have never heard of this “Hubert” before, have you?).

      Then I find his half wit brother, Yorks, has taken over the helm and he tells me Donald has a drinking problem and could be homosexual!

      And now, as if that wasn’t enough, you are suggesting that his half wit brother should “understand the complex nature of Don and Lily’s relationship”

      I’m now quite beside myself with worry about Donald now.

      How much can a koala bear?

      • 1:20 am

        Sorry Lily,

        I meant that last comment with all due respect. To be honest, I think of Don as a Grandfather of sorts, which is why I took special note of the interactions between the two of you. And I have to say, I am extremely pleased.

        Not only do you both seem to bring out the most practical in each other, you are able to communicate in a sensible and no-nonsense manner that many old married couples aren’t able to do. I don’t need to tell you this, but sometimes its as though you could cut the non-sexual tension with a butter-knife.

        Don’t get me wrong, Lily. I’m not trying to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong, I’m just saying that judging by the rate at which Don has been courting you, not only is he obviously heterosexual, its only a matter of reincarnations before the two of you finally hook up.

        And don’t worry about Hubert, Lily. Don’s way too old-school for those kind of shenanigans.

        Respectfully yours,

        Bschooled

        • Lily permalink
          1:57 am

          Dearest Bs,

          Thank you so much for clearing the air and allaying my worst fears about Donald.
          I have had a strong cup of tea and feel quite better now. You are wise beyond your years, my dear.
          To have a grand daughter like you would be an honour and a privilege.

          Kindest regards,

          Lily Fossil

          ps

          I’m surprised you know about butter knives.

        • York Mills permalink
          2:22 am

          Oops, I think you made a typo my young friend, bschooled. You meant to write York where you wrote Don.

          I think yo meant to say “Don’t get me wrong, Lily. I’m not trying to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong, I’m just saying that judging by the rate at which that wonderul man York has been courting you, not only is he obviously heterosexual and the funniest fellow on the internet, its only a matter of reincarnations before you and that dashing tiger,York finally hook up.”

          There. That’s much better!

          Hee hee!

          • 3:17 am

            Well, I’ll be darned, York. You’re a riot!

            If things don’t work out with L and D, I hope she’ll consider giving you a chance. With a comeback/giggle combination like that, I’m surprised you don’t have the entire female population of the Euchre club loitering on your porch…

            • York Mills permalink
              3:33 am

              Why thank you, young bschooled, I don’t like to brag, but yes I used to do rather well with the young ladies. I was no Clark Gable, or Clark Kent, or Kent Smith, or C. Aubrey Smith and I never owned a Smith and Wesson or got out west for that matter… Or learned about grey matter, or owned a grey suit… Hee hee. Sorry dear, I occasionally ramble. Anyway, yes, the gals at the euchre club are an option, but I remain hopeful the fair Lily will come around. I’m thinking of writing her a poem! A lot of good words ryhme with Lily!

      • York Mills permalink
        2:18 am

        Lily,

        Am I wrong, or are you flirting with me?

        Hee hee!

    • York Mills permalink
      2:17 am

      Why hello there young lady named bschooled!

      And is that a Romper Room magic mirror I see you holding? Hee hee hee! I used to date a Romper Room lady. Oh the stories I could tell… My but they’d be boring. Hee hee! Anyhoo, thank you for making me feel right at home. You seem like a very nice young person and have a brash quality that I find refreshing. I’ve never heard anyone call ol’ Donny boy a bolshie before. I think I can hear him screaming from Lake Itchykummyoowah even as we speak.

      As for Lily, well, she’s a looker, and although I don’t think she’s warmed up to me yet, I still remain hopeful. I’m hoping to ask her out dancing.

  11. 12:47 am

    don,
    enjoy your fishing trip. warning–if you see a woman with a tendency to wink and shriek who’s wearing waders (along with full makeup) and saying you betcha and also a lot, steer clear.

    don’t worry about york. we’ll be gentle with him.

    • York Mills permalink
      2:25 am

      You’ll be gentle with me? Ooh! I like the sound of that. Hee hee.

      How do you do nonnie9999? A pleasure to meet you. I see you’ve brought your gun. Going hunting? I prefer fishing myself. But choices are what makes this world so great.

  12. 2:02 am

    A “fishing trip” is what the old folks are calling it these days? Yeah, and, “Hubert”? Who the hell is named Hubert since, like, 1860? I wouldn’t be surprised to find him at The Villages in Orlando, sweet-talking one of the wealthier widows into watching reruns with him of the movie”Cocoon” on her new HD television.

    Hanging around and talking with young people might have given him some ideas. That chart, his “cover” story and blind peril of leaving his blog in the hands of a hapless half-wit are all cause for serious concern.

    Seriously concerned,

    -Joan, lately of Argghh, but summering near the Black Forest.

    • York Mills permalink
      2:32 am

      Hee hee. Oh, that was a fun comment, Joan. A “Black forest” and “Blind peril.” Hot diggidy dog! I always though Kraft Dinner was the “yellow peril” myself.

      But who’s this hapless half wit you are talking about? He sounds rather wonderful and I suspect very interesting and handsome. I guess all will be revealed soon enough.

      You’re more exciting than my soap operas!

      Nice to meet you.

  13. 5:24 am

    mmmmmm Janes Mansfield….

    • York Mills permalink
      3:00 pm

      Hee hee hee! Agreed. The woman had talent — and gams.

  14. 8:13 am

    Wowsers York and Mr Mills!

    I tend to spend 9% of my time thinking about Jayne Mansfield as well. I once saw her in Too Hot to Handle, but it was a little too racy for me!

    and i think a lot about cheeses, more specifically String Cheese.

    Bob

    • York Mills permalink
      3:02 pm

      Why, hello Bob!

      Donny has told me he has a special place in his heart for you. And I can see why. I also understand you have a wise and long suffering mother. She sounds fascinating. Is she single by any chance?

      Hee hee!

      • 7:13 am

        She sure is Mr York! But theres only one man for her in her life: ME!

        And Mr Mills is fantastic and lovely, and he has a wonderful brother too! HOORAY!

        Bob

        • York Mills permalink
          4:55 pm

          Hee hee…

          She’s a lucky woman, young Bob!

          And might I also add LOSTL!

          I have no idea what it means, but… Hee hee…

          • 12:29 pm

            LOSTL! It means Laugh Out Side Then Loudly!

            Mum says im not allowed to laugh inside as its too loud. And, Like you, i like to have a good chuckle! So anytime i have to laugh, i have to go outside then laugh as loud as possible!

            Bob

        • 4:01 am

          Bob! Thank goodness you’re here.

  15. 3:32 pm

    Are we related? I think your brother was a bit liberal in giving 1% to “Others”. I believe it is more like .001%

    • York Mills permalink
      4:23 pm

      Hee hee!

      .001% I suspect you are right.

      I like your hair! And your funny mask. Oh gosh that combination gave me the giggles. I don’t think we’re related yorksnbeans. Although I do get a bit confused at times. You know what’s curious? Cats…

  16. 8:51 pm

    Pretty good pie-chart, Don. You pretty much covered all of it. Just a few things I’d add.

    For old males, how about hosing down the driveway and keeping the lawn immaculate? It seems to be quite a high priority with the elderly crowd.

    As for young males, you’ve listed nipples. But what about boobies? Hard to find a young lad who isn’t obsessed with them.

    • York Mills permalink
      10:16 pm

      Hee hee! Boobies! What a funny word.

      Nice to see you Friar. I’m Don’s brother and it’s a pleasure to meet you. I like your additions. I’m guessing that the nipple is part of the boob? Last time I checked it was. It’s been a while though. And darn tooting on the lawn and driveway. Neither of them can ever be too immaculate. Well said, lad.

  17. Lynn permalink
    11:29 pm

    the pie charts are the work of a genius! loved the post.

    • York Mills permalink
      12:33 am

      Hee hee. Thanks dear. I can’t take all the credit. Don made the coffee.

  18. 12:54 am

    That top chart is not quite correct. Old people spend way more than 9% of their time thinking about changing their wills

    • York Mills permalink
      2:23 am

      Whoopee! A nurse! Where are my pills?

      Hee hee. Just kidding. Nice to meet you, dear.

    • Lynn permalink
      9:42 pm

      i believe you are correct in that nursemyra. mr mills: great job!

      • York Mills permalink
        9:52 pm

        Why thank you dear,

        Donny has spoken highly of you, Lynn, and I can understand why. You’re a charming and sensible young lady. And cute as a button, I might add.

        Hee hee!

        All best,

        Yorkie

  19. 1:34 am

    I for one think that Mr. Mills should be allowed a weeks’ fishing trip, getting hammered on rye(I’m a beer and scotch man myself, but to each his own) or not. With the damn fine job he’s been doing with this blog and all, I say well done and well earned.

    • York Mills permalink
      2:21 am

      Hee hee…

      I’m sure my brother appreciates that TJ.

      Nice to meet you.

  20. 2:17 am

    I also care about when that damn girl’s bringin me my sandwich. hahaha

    -Kyle

    • York Mills permalink
      2:20 am

      Hee hee. I have no idea what that means but you’re a funny looking fellow.

      Nice to meet you, son.

  21. 4:33 am

    Dear Donfather,

    You obviously have solid things on your mind, crucial issues to keep yourself occupied with. I was, however, extremely surprised to learn that there isn’t even an inch (no pun intended) of thought dedicated to some / any sexual endeavors with the opposite sex.

    Unless I misunderstood the 1.5% dedicated to “Hard Candy” ?

    Be safe during your fishing extravaganza. Remember to pee on yourself if you’re bitten by a Medusa.

    Nothinin’ but love,
    Frankelstache

    • York Mills permalink
      5:13 am

      Hee hee!

      Hello young man. Mr. York Mills here. I like your moustache. I’m not sure I understand your hard candy joke or what urination has to do with Medusa, but I suspect it is saucy and has something to do with nookie. Hee! Nookie! What a funny word. Wahoo!

      • 4:44 pm

        Hello York,

        It is a great honor to meet you. Just by reading some of your comments here alone i can tell that you are way more than just a pretty face.

        Can you tell me / us a little bit more about you?
        Were you named after Yorkshire Pudding?
        Was The Donfather nice to you while growing up?
        What was your college major?
        Have you ever saved a life?

        Cheers-ing,
        Frankelstache

        • York Mills permalink
          6:00 pm

          Hello young Frankelstache…

          That’s a fun name you have there. Is it Austrian? It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, son.

          I was named after the Yorkshire Terrier. When I was born, apparently my dear old dad looked at me and said “That’s awful! It looks like a god damned Yorkshire terrier! Put it back!”

          Well, of course, I was out and there was no putting me back, so my old dad named me “York.”

          Don was a good brother. He called me his “little half wit dogs-body” and let me shine his shoes, do his chores, carry all the firewood, check caves for bears, search the swamps for sinkholes, and he made me responsible for all manner of animal husbandry. Hee hee!

          I never had a formal education. If I told my old dad I wanted to go to University, he’d have mortar boarded my sorry backside and given me a B.A. in “Busted Ass” I guess you could say I studied at “The School of Hard Knocks.”

          Unfortunately, I never saved a life. But I once met Ethel Mermen. That gal could sing. But she was a nasty drunk.

          Hee hee!

          • 8:42 pm

            Dear York,

            Thanks for inquiring, my name is German, as my granddad was an old Yekke born somewhere in the 1920′. He enjoyed running away from the Nazis and heavily consuming hard liquor – but not necessarily in that order.

            I’m sadden to hear about your father’s reaction to you, but just like the Ugly Duckling, we are all witnesses that a true swan had emerged.

            I can’t imagine how it must feel growing up next to the Donfather. In a way, you two are like the Jackson siblings. One is The King of Pop*, the other has a hot body and a nipple that likes to get exposed during the Superbowl.
            It must have been rough growing up, but I can grasp how being a Mills comes with responsibility, honor and yes, checking caves for bears.

            Education is overrated. I myself walked into class many times to find a teacher looking at me with that “have we met before?” look.

            Cook it well done,
            Frankelstache

            • 8:43 pm

              * this is by means me implying that the Donfather is a Pedo.

              • Lily permalink
                9:06 pm

                Dear Mr Frankelstache,

                I sincerely HOPE you meant to say ” * this by NO means me implying that the Donfather is a Pedo.”

                Yours truly,

                Lily Fossil

                • 9:57 pm

                  I apologize, Lily, and stand corrected. English is my second language so I sometimes make these kind of mistakes. I have the utmost respect for the Donfather and would never disgrace him like that intentionally.

                  The only good that came out of my typo is the pleasure of meeting you, The Internet’s numero uno MILF.

                  I apologize again,
                  Frankelstache

                • York Mills permalink
                  10:03 pm

                  Hee hee…

                  Oh my. I suspect you’re in for it now, Mr. Frankelstache!

                  If I were you I’d find a bomb shelter to hide in. Do you know about “Duck and Cover”?

                  You might want to do that.

                  Hee hee…

            • York Mills permalink
              9:36 pm

              Hee hee!

              You’re a sharp one, Mr Frankelstache!

              Well that was a darn fine comment, lad. Darn fine. I hope your granddad is still with us. As for the Donfather (hee hee, that really tickles me pink!) I don’t think he’s ever performed at the Superbowl or exposed his nipple, but then again, I don’t know all his dirty little secrets. Hee hee!

              Oh, wait… Unless you’re suggesting that I’m the nipple flasher? (Hee hee, I’ve never flashed a nipple or being to a Superbowl game, But I will admit to once sticking a live ferret down my pants as a practical joke – something I’d advice against, by the way.)

              And thank you, young man, for the comforting and highly amusing words on education. I would have liked to have gone to University and received some higher learning and maybe have gotten up to a few college hijinks, but at least I was able to buy myself one of those raccoon coats and shout out “23 skidoo!”

              I’ll make sure I cook it well done, son. I wouldn’t want to undercook my meat and catch any of that e.coli. That’s nasty business for sure.

              Hee hee.

  22. Lily permalink
    10:30 pm

    Dear Mr Frankelstache,

    You are forgiven, Sir; I realised it was a “typo” on your behalf and very easy to do even when English is your first language, but I felt compelled to correct you to save Donald’s honour and integrity.

    As for me being “The Internet’s numero uno MILF”, I can assure you young man, I have NEVER had any links whatsoever to the Moro Islamic Liberation Front in the Philippines and for you to even suggest such a thing is damned cheeky, if you ask me.

    Nice to make your acquaintance too.

    Yours sincerely,

    Lily Fossil

  23. Gerard permalink
    10:36 pm

    Late reply on this post (I was at my future college for summer orientation). Not much to comment on, though. Great post, again.

    Gerard

    • York Mills permalink
      10:46 pm

      Hee hee…

      Hello son. My brother Don asked me to say hello to you and wish you well. He’ll be back soon. College? Gosh but that sounds exciting. Good for you, lad. I wish you all the best.

      York Mills

      Hee hee…

  24. downcastmysoul permalink
    12:13 am

    Hi York Mills:

    You seem to be doing a great job subbing for your brother!

    I love the graphs.

    Yorkies are the cutest doggies behind chihuahuas and arctic foxes!

    • York Mills permalink
      12:54 am

      Hee hee…

      Hi there, downcastmysoul!

      And thank you very much for the kind words. Much appreciated. This is has been a lot of fun for me and it’s been nice to meet wonderful people like you and the rest of the gang. I agree on Yorkies. They are darm cute and so are arctic foxes. I once got attacked by a pack of chihuahuas. So I’m a little afraid of them.

      Hee hee!

  25. 2:53 am

    Hello York, I’ve heard a lot about you and don’t seem half-witted to me. I think old Don was pulling my leg. And you’re the younger brother? Did you spend your childhood playing pranks on Don? Is that why he’s such a grump?

    • York Mills permalink
      5:27 am

      Hee Hee…

      Hi there, Claire.

      A pleasure to meet you. Don also calls me six shades of stupid. He has a way with words!

      I only ever played only one prank on Donny. I short sheeted his bed and booby trapped it too. So when he slipped into bed not only were his sheets shortened but I’d also booby trapped it with a live snake!

      Hee hee! He jumped out of the bed and onto the floor, which I’d covered in bacon fat! So he was slipping around out of control and I said “Here! Grab my hand!” And he did. But I had a joy buzzer in my hand so he got a big electrical shock!

      Hee hee!

      He was all frazzled and in pain and screaming and slipping in the bacon fat and so I pushed him onto his bed and handed him his slippers and told him he needed to put them on in order to stop slipping and… Hee hee hee hee… He did. But I’d filled his slippers with maggots I’d found in the garbage! Whoopee!

      And so now ol’ Donny boy springs into the air and lands on the floor covered in bacon fat. He’s slipping and hopping around and screaming “Help, I’ve got maggots on my feet!!!!”

      Hee hee! So I handed him a towel to wipe the maggots off – only… Hee hee, I’d coated the towel in Hot Mustard! Hee hee hee hee… So he flops onto his back and starts rubbing his feet with the towel and next thing you know… Hee hee, his feet are burning and so he springs up and once again he’s slipping about on the floor…. Hee hee!

      So, I tell him that he needs to put on socks, which are in the dresser by the window… So he’s stumbling to the dresser and when he gets there, I, hee hee…Push him out the window!

      Hee hee.

      So I run downstairs and pull him up from the front lawn. I say, “Donny, drink this.” He does.

      It’s rancid goat milk! Hee hee hee!

      He starts stumbling around on the front yard… And… and.. Hee hee hee… He falls in the ditch I dug. He’s screaming, “Get me out of here god damn it!”

      And so, hee hee.. I throw down a rope… But it’s covered in bacon fat. And so he’s sliding on it… Hee hee… And he can’t get out… But he keeps trying and trying until he faints in a heap! Hee hee hee hee hee hee!

      Other than that. Nope never played a prank on him.

      • 1:14 am

        You had a lot of bacon fat around as a kid.

        Maybe you should plan something fun for his return?

        • Lily permalink
          1:53 am

          Dear Ms Claire,

          What a good idea! let’s plan a surprise party for Donald’s return ( without the bacon fat).
          I do so miss him and wish he would hurry on home. This half witted brother of his is annoying the sox off me.

          Lily Fossil

          • York Mills permalink
            2:23 am

            Hee hee!

            (sings) I can see you through the keyhole!

            You’re sweet too, Lily!

            Hee hee hee…

          • 4:27 am

            Thanks Lily! What can we do? Decorate his rocker with balloons? Hmm. I don’t think he would appreciate that too much. Hang streamers? Umm maybe not.

            Maybe you can bake him a pie and I will just stay out of the way. I tend to get on his nerves.

            However, I do find Don’s half-witted brother very amusing so I can keep him out of the way while you prepare for Don. We wouldn’t want York adding any of his own “surprises” to your welcome home party.

            I do believe I can turn York into a mess of giggles just by looking through old family albums.

            • York Mills permalink
              4:36 am

              Hee hee!

              Thank you, Claire…

              Oh, I love family albums. Look, I brought mine!

              Hee hee…

              Here’s a picture of little Don hitting me with a stick. Hee hee. Oh he was mad at me that day! Oh, and here’s one of our old dad throwing Don in a gunny sack… Hee hee, I think Don asked him for new bed sheets… Oh, and look, here one of our sainted mom waving her melon baller…

              Hee hee.

              Memories.

              Oh look, here’s one of little Don in short pants… Look at his bony knees… Hee hee hee hee hee hee knees….

            • Lily permalink
              6:19 am

              Dear Ms Claire,

              That sounds like a good plan – you occupy the half wit brother, while I bake a pie.

              I wonder what sort of pie Donald likes? Lemon Meringue? Butterscotch? Blueberry? Hmm.

              One thing I thought of as a surprise, is we could all go away and hide and pretend we aren’t here.

              What do you think?

              Kindest regards,

              Lily Fossil

              • York Mills permalink
                4:53 pm

                Donny’s favorite is “Crabapple Pie.”

                Hee hee…

                • 2:50 am

                  Lily,
                  I’m having a hard time keeping Yorkie occupied. He has the attention span of a gnat. He keeps wanting to go in there and eat the pie!

                • York Mills permalink
                  3:56 am

                  I don’t think Lily is coming back, Claire.

                  Hee hee…

                  At least not until old Donny returns. But poor dear Lily will get the shock of her life when she finds out I’m moving in with him!

                  Whoopee!!!!

                  P.S. Thanks for the gnat compliment! It’s true! I really do have a flexible technique designed to measure implicit social cognition.

                  Hee hee! Gnat!

                • Lily permalink
                  5:10 am

                  Dear Yorkie,

                  Crabapple pie … so very funny! I damned well nearly choked on my porridge.

                  Only three more days till Donald returns. Yippee!!

                  I have decided on a Hummingbird Cake, but shush don’t tell Donald.

                  You’re doing a fine job here, Yorks, by the way.

                  But why are you planning to move in with Donald?

                  Kind regards,

                  Lily Fossil

                • York Mills permalink
                  5:37 am

                  Thank you Lily,

                  I am sure that Don will greatly enjoy the Hummingbird Cake. If I know my brother (and I do) he’d say it was “a damn fine choice.”

                  It turns out I won’t be moving in with Don. I was having some problems with my knee and getting up the stairs of my house, but I’m feeling much better now.

                  It’s been a pleasure meeting you, Lily. You’re a formidable woman, and I wish you all the best. And thank you for putting up with me and all my silly joshing.

                  Hee hee…

                  All best,

                  York Mills

                • 3:57 am

                  Help me out. What is hummingbird cake?

                • York Mills permalink
                  4:31 am

                  Hee hee!

                  Hi there Claire,

                  Hummingbird Cake is delicious!

                  Hope that helps clear things up.

                  Hee hee…

                • 4:50 am

                  Yes that clears it up quite nicely, Yorkie. Thanks. I could use your giggles over on my blog.

                  Hee hee.

                • York Mills permalink
                  5:27 am

                  Don’t be blue. I’ll see what I can do. Whoopee, that rhymes!

                  Hee hee…

                • 5:48 am

                  Don’s going to be angry when he comes back,
                  And finds the comments way off track.
                  I’m afraid he will be as sick as a dog,
                  For leaving a half-wit in charge of his blog!

                • 6:08 am

                  Sick as a dog?
                  Did someone mention my name?
                  Don will be well rested
                  And back on his game

                  He’s a cranky old man
                  He’s a crabby old fart
                  But I’ll say this for Don
                  The old fart has got heart!

  26. drjamm permalink
    3:33 am

    This blog made my day. I hope your vacation is “damn” good.

    cheers
    Jessica

    • York Mills permalink
      5:29 am

      Hee hee…

      Thank you drjamm (aka: Jessica). I’ll let my brother Don know. As I was writing it, he made brownies.

      Hee hee…

  27. 2:21 pm

    That’s a darn good dead-on assessment, Don.
    Hope you are having a great time fishing. Be sure to clean those bones out before eating, though.
    My Aunt Tilly got a bone got on that hanging thingy in your throat and pert near went to visit her dead husband, Uncle Remus.

    Looking forward to your return.

    Also, to York…ain’t you just a cutie pie?

    • York Mills permalink
      4:25 pm

      Hee hee…

      Thank you, young lady. You’re rather cute too. I like your make-up. Did you have it professionally done? I was terribly sorry to hear about your Uncle Remus. Hope your Aunt Tilly is feeling better. You have to be careful with those fishbones!

      So, this Aunt Tilly of yours… Is she single?

      Hee hee…

    • 8:10 pm

      Dang, trailerparkbarbie, you’se is beeeutiful. Wanna get married?

  28. 3:58 pm

    York, York… are you hitting on girls while Don is out? You behave yourself!

    Came just to check you out. Are you doing okay? Is everybody treating you well? Don’t forget to stretch before and after typing. How about that reupholstery project for Don’s recliner? I think we are short of time for that “While You Were Out” deal…

    Dear friend, don’t forget to drink water, okay?

    No, beer does not count for rehydration…

    Ivan

    • York Mills permalink
      4:51 pm

      Hee hee…

      Thanks for checking up on me, Ivan. Much appreciated. We old folks like it when young people visit.

      I think I’m behaving myself. Let me just check my medication. Hee hee. Yes, yes, I think I am. We only live once and I like to make new friends! Like you, Ivan, you’re a fine young man and a very articulate fellow too, I might add.

      I’m still trying to get the old fart smells out of Don’s chair. I need more Borax!

      Thanks for the wise words on remaining hydrated. But no worries, lad. Unlike Don, I’m not a drinking man.

      Hee hee.

  29. 12:11 am

    When I was young, which in my particular case was never, I had no choice but to do what was right and proper. Ever had a nun pull your side-burns? I’ll take waterboarding any day.

    Now that I’m old and retired I can throw things at the grandkids . . . like buckets of money we don’t have. Their mom gets ticked whenever I shave their sideburns off, though.

    • York Mills permalink
      3:49 am

      Hee hee…

      Hello jammer5,

      I’m Don’s brother, York. Don is away on a fishing trip but will be back real soon. Something tells me you two are going to be fast friends.

      I’ve never had a nun pull on my side-burns, but my dear old sainted mother used to try and smarten me up by smacking me with text books. Darn thick, those text books, Made me see stars. Not sure I got any smarter.

      I sure do wish my old dad would have thrown money at me. All he ever threw at me was rocks and garbage cans.

      Hee hee…

      • 8:08 pm

        Don’t know (or can’t remember . . . senior moment :-) ) how I found you guys, but glad I did.

        • York Mills permalink
          8:47 pm

          Glad to have you here.

          My brother Don is back soon!

          Hee hee…

          • Lily permalink
            10:01 pm

            Dear Yorks,

            Of course you realize, because I am on the east Coast of Australia I am a whole day ahead of most of you which means I have to wait an extra day for Donald’s return.

            I wonder if he is catching any fish? I hope he hasn’t been bitten by anything.

            Lily Fossil

            • York Mills permalink
              11:35 pm

              Hee hee…

              Hello Lily,

              Australia is a wonderful country. I once visited its west coast and stayed with dear friends in Perth. I had a marvelous time!

              Speaking of marvelous times, I just spoke with Donny about an hour ago and I gather he and Hubert had a very pleasant fishing vacation. Don will be packing up and leaving tomorrow morning. He didn’t mention catching any fish, but I gather he did manage to catch a wee bit of a sunburn. I suggested he use gel of Aloe Vera to help alleviate his discomfort. He said: “What the hell are you, my doctor?”

              Hee hee.

              He was a bit cranky (but then again that’s our Don) and seemed in good spirits.

              Take care,

              Yorks

              Hee hee… “Yorks”

              • Lily permalink
                1:16 am

                Dear Yorks,

                Oh no! not sunburn! That’s going to make him very cranky and crabby.

                Pleased to hear you have visited the West coast of Australia. Unfortunately, I have nothing but bad memories of that side of the country (my ex husband was from there). We call them (people from Western Australia) “sandgropers” because most of WA is sand.

                Trust your knee is on the mend,

                Best wishes,

                Lily Fossil

                • York Mills permalink
                  3:08 am

                  Hee hee…

                  “Sandgropers” I’ve never heard of that before. Hee hee! What a funny expression.

                  I was terribly sorry to hear about your unpleasant memories of the west coast. I do hope that the memories of your ex-husband have healed. Not having you in his life anymore is his lose (if I may be so bold to say).

                  Don just phoned me again! Apparently he took my advice and is feeling better. He said: “I don’t know what the hell is in that goddamned Aloe Vera, but it’s helping me. Thanks for the advice you damn knucklehead.”

                  But he said it in a happy voice. I suspect he may have had a wee sip of rye as well!

                  Hee hee!

  30. 7:45 pm

    Absolutely your funiest posting yet Don!

    Well done.

    • York Mills permalink
      8:49 pm

      Hee hee!

      Hi rarifiedlightningpig,

      What a long and funny name! Hee hee. Thanks for the kind words. I’m sure Don will appreciate them.

      Hee hee…

  31. 8:44 pm

    Hi, my dear friend York! Good to know that you are kicking and alive!

    Listen, I’ve been thinking. How come you don’t have your own blog? Are you enjoying the experience of running your brother’s blog comments?

    I say that you have to start posting too. If you don’t like the idea, at least don’t stop to come by. I’ll miss you and miss all the “hee hees”!

    • York Mills permalink
      9:01 pm

      Hee hee!

      Thanks Ivan!

      You made my day, son. I have been enjoying my stay here but I’m not sure I’m anywhere near clever enough (or cranky enough) as my brother, Donny, to come up with all these complaints about young people. Personally, I find you kids delightful! Whoopee!

      But I will try and visit in every once and a while to say hello to everyone. As long as I don’t get under ol’ Donny’s skin. He’s still a little ticked at me about the time I replaced his rye with prune juice.

      Hee hee…

      Take good care, son. And once again – many thanks!

      Your friend,

      York Mills

      • 10:31 pm

        Made your day? And you sure made mine!

        Now, I’m flattered by you calling me a kid. Although I feel pretty much young at 43 I’m afraid [and glad] that I’m not the kind of youth that “Donny” complains about! :-)

        Ivan Santos

        • York Mills permalink
          11:20 pm

          Hee hee.

          43 is a great age to be! Hey, that rhymes. Hee hee.

          And forgive my memory, son. You mentioned that to me before. I do get a bit confused at times. Hee hee…

          And good for you, my boy! You’re in the prime of your life! We’re only as young as we feel. Thank you once again for being so darned kind, young Ivan. As my cranky brother would say “You’re a damn fine lad!”

          Ooops. Sorry I swore!

          Hee hee!

  32. Lily permalink
    6:35 am

    Ms Claire,

    Here is the recipe for Hummingbird cake.

    http://www.joyofbaking.com/HummingbirdCake.html

    From the picture they used it looks a little insipid, but it sure tastes delicious.

    Kindest regards,

    Lily Fossil

  33. Lily permalink
    9:23 pm

    Dear Yorks,

    In case I don’t get to see you before you go, thank you for keeping the home fires burning for Donald while he has been away. It was a pleasure to meet you and I hope you will return on occasion with your cheeky comments.

    All the best,

    Lily Fossil

    • York Mills permalink
      9:31 pm

      Thank you, Lily

      The pleasure was all mine. I appreciate your kind words and I will try and visit every once in a while.

      All best,

      “Yorks”

      Hee hee…

      • 12:07 am

        So….”adieu” (goodbye), -I can’t spell “au revoir”- York. You’ve been, amongst other things; a hoot. Come back and see us again next time they let you out.
        Keep taking the tablets.
        Best wishes,
        Mice

        • York Mills permalink
          1:34 am

          Thanks very much, Mice, I mean, Mike.

          Hee hee.

          I’ll keep taking those tablets. And thanks for making me feel right at home.

          All the best,

          Dork. I mean, York.

          Hee hee…

  34. Sander permalink
    4:09 pm

    It’s a nice chart, but there are a few vital things absent. The pie chart about young males lacks “food”, “what to set on fire next” and “more food”

  35. 12:48 am

    Oh my! I have been laughing my middle aged ass off scouring your blog postings!
    You’re my new favorite thing!

    The Nerd

  36. 3:09 am

    Oh sure York you’re just being nice so as to get into Lily’s pants (excuse the vulgarity please dear gracious Lily but really it’s all that poor York character really understands – in another time we would have politely suggested he has an ant in his pants). He seems to have you fooled but really he is antsy when he hasn’t conquered someone recently.

  37. Anonymous permalink
    2:52 am

    I’m a player. Was up my hommies. Gotta love them wingdingers! lolzz

  38. 2:55 am

    RAWRZZZ. I’m Going to POWNZOORRRR YOU NOOOOBS!!!!!!! I’m a player so don’t be playahating!!

  39. 3:50 pm

    Yes I agree that most people have garbage filled minds, but to speak for all of the young people would be noted as stereostistic. Maybe I should come up with a chart. I would have to say the biggest thing on my mind is Revelation. Thanks for your blog I am enjoying it very much. If you were in my family you would fit right in. Peace and thanks.

  40. Anonymous permalink
    4:38 pm

    heehee.. wow, i’m 15 and female .. but this is awesome! i like it.

  41. 4:50 am

    !!!! Why do I relate more with the old person pie chart!! that is terrifying.

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