Tips for Seniors: How to Write a God Damned Effective Will

A last will and testament is perhaps the most important document you will ever write. It provides peace of mind, brings closure to family and ensures that your assets are disbursed according to your wishes.

More importantly, however, it’s also a powerful motivator and a damned fine exactor of revenge.

In my view, too many seniors get railroaded into writing wills that do little more than shovel their life savings into the ample laps of their ungrateful families. And so, in response, I offer up the following 5 simple tips for writing a will that will address old slights, settle scores and make sure that you can continue to badger people from beyond the grave.

1. Write Dozens of Different Versions

We all want to be remembered. And one way to ensure that you’re still in people’s thoughts beyond the two week period it takes them to sell your personal treasures on eBay is to make sure that your will is disputed in court for years after your death.

To do this, start by writing dozens of versions of your will – each with major differences in the disbursement of your worldly goods. Make sure they contain plenty of “loop-holes”, “errors of law” and inconsistent dates. Don’t sign some, sign others with your left hand and spill coffee on a bunch so that they’re damned near illegible.

Then, for best effect, scatter them everywhere. Tuck some under couch cushions, hide them in cereal boxes, pop one in an old shoe box. Give others to friends, relatives and passing hobos.

The more you can damned well confuse the issue, the longer you’ll stay in people’s hearts and minds.

2. Announce your Intentions but Display your Fickleness

Tell each of your relatives on the quiet that you are planning to leave them everything you own – but make sure they know you’re prepared to reconsider if they don’t damned well toe the line, treat you with respect and buy you fancy gifts on a regular basis.

If they get complacent, call them up and tell them you’re thinking about making a few “minor changes” to the will. Trust me, they will be ironing your shorts, cooking you a tuna casserole and presenting you with a new cardigan before you can say “gaslight.”

3. Make Everything “Conditional”

If you are going to hand over a $100,000 to your damned kids make sure you attach a hell of a lot of strings. Face facts, your untimely death is just a potential kitchen renovation to them – so make them work for it.

Demand that they spend half the money on having a life-sized bronze statue of you cast and then displayed on their front lawn. Insist that they spend it on sweater vests. Tell them they’ll get it in monthly instalments of $100 as long as they bring flowers to your grave. Make them name their first child after you. Use your imagination – just don’t let them off scott-free.

4. Include Off-Beat Content

You want to make sure your will is quirky as Hell and leaves people scratching their heads.

For me, I’m leaving behind a damned treasure map with directions that whichever money grubbing relative is able to decipher the instructions and find the booty first wins my entire fortune.

(Of course, there is no treasure, just some old paint cans I buried under the Maple tree out back a few years ago. Still, it will be a damned hoot and should keep them busy for weeks.)

5. Always Close with a Zinger

Any will of consequence has to include a damned shocking closer. Disclosure of bastard children, the naming of a same-sex lover, your history as a cold war spy – you name it.

For me, it will be the revelation that although I’ve spent my entire life amassing a small fortune, I gave it all to the “Hamishview Home for Abandoned Weiner Dogs” the week before I died.

Remember, this is your chance for the last damned word – so take full advantage, have some fun with it and make sure you go out with a Hell of a bang.

Coming soon: “Jerking Young People’s Chains with Power of Attorney.”