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Tips for Seniors: How to Write a God Damned Effective Will

A last will and testament is perhaps the most important document you will ever write. It provides peace of mind, brings closure to family and ensures that your assets are disbursed according to your wishes.

More importantly, however, it’s also a powerful motivator and a damned fine exactor of revenge.

In my view, too many seniors get railroaded into writing wills that do little more than shovel their life savings into the ample laps of their ungrateful families. And so, in response, I offer up the following 5 simple tips for writing a will that will address old slights, settle scores and make sure that you can continue to badger people from beyond the grave.

1. Write Dozens of Different Versions

We all want to be remembered. And one way to ensure that you’re still in people’s thoughts beyond the two week period it takes them to sell your personal treasures on eBay is to make sure that your will is disputed in court for years after your death.

To do this, start by writing dozens of versions of your will – each with major differences in the disbursement of your worldly goods. Make sure they contain plenty of “loop-holes”, “errors of law” and inconsistent dates. Don’t sign some, sign others with your left hand and spill coffee on a bunch so that they’re damned near illegible.

Then, for best effect, scatter them everywhere. Tuck some under couch cushions, hide them in cereal boxes, pop one in an old shoe box. Give others to friends, relatives and passing hobos.

The more you can damned well confuse the issue, the longer you’ll stay in people’s hearts and minds.

2. Announce your Intentions but Display your Fickleness

Tell each of your relatives on the quiet that you are planning to leave them everything you own – but make sure they know you’re prepared to reconsider if they don’t damned well toe the line, treat you with respect and buy you fancy gifts on a regular basis.

If they get complacent, call them up and tell them you’re thinking about making a few “minor changes” to the will. Trust me, they will be ironing your shorts, cooking you a tuna casserole and presenting you with a new cardigan before you can say “gaslight.”

3. Make Everything “Conditional”

If you are going to hand over a $100,000 to your damned kids make sure you attach a hell of a lot of strings. Face facts, your untimely death is just a potential kitchen renovation to them – so make them work for it.

Demand that they spend half the money on having a life-sized bronze statue of you cast and then displayed on their front lawn. Insist that they spend it on sweater vests. Tell them they’ll get it in monthly instalments of $100 as long as they bring flowers to your grave. Make them name their first child after you. Use your imagination – just don’t let them off scott-free.

4. Include Off-Beat Content

You want to make sure your will is quirky as Hell and leaves people scratching their heads.

For me, I’m leaving behind a damned treasure map with directions that whichever money grubbing relative is able to decipher the instructions and find the booty first wins my entire fortune.

(Of course, there is no treasure, just some old paint cans I buried under the Maple tree out back a few years ago. Still, it will be a damned hoot and should keep them busy for weeks.)

5. Always Close with a Zinger

Any will of consequence has to include a damned shocking closer. Disclosure of bastard children, the naming of a same-sex lover, your history as a cold war spy – you name it.

For me, it will be the revelation that although I’ve spent my entire life amassing a small fortune, I gave it all to the “Hamishview Home for Abandoned Weiner Dogs” the week before I died.

Remember, this is your chance for the last damned word – so take full advantage, have some fun with it and make sure you go out with a Hell of a bang.

Coming soon: “Jerking Young People’s Chains with Power of Attorney.”

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102 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:40 am

    Nice. Equal time, right? You’re a funny and crabby old person. You seem to have significantly slowed the symptoms of senility. Looks good on you. I will do my best to reduce my sloppiness. You have impeccable grammar and beautiful use of punctuation. I look forward to reading much more from you, as long as you are still “with us”. I can only hope to be half as crabby and/or funny as you in the “autumn” of my years. You better bundle up though, looks like it’s getting a little “cold”.

    Warm Regards,

    danof89

    • 12:12 pm

      My sincere thanks, Danof89.

      I appreciate your concern for my well-being and your outstanding use of quotation marks. You may not have noticed but I’m “partial” to them myself. Well done.

      And you needn’t worry about me bundling up. I’m very careful to avoid a chill. I keep the furnace on year round and am never without a sweater vest or cardigan and damned sensible socks. I’ve seen what an unchecked chest cold can do to a man and it’s not pretty.

      All the best lad.

      “Warm” regards,

      Don

  2. 1:04 am

    screw wills (and i don’t mean guys named william). i’m going to spend every cent i have, so i won’t have anything to leave anyone. i just checked my bank balance. i only have to live another week and 2 days to accomplish that mission. 😯

    • 12:26 pm

      Many thanks,

      A damned fine plan, Nonnie, but I do hope you’ll be with us a little longer than a mere 9 days.

      Checking out with nothing left but the loose change in back pocket of your corduroy pants is every seniors dream but it can be difficult to manage the timing. It used to be that if an oldster got pneumonia he or she could empty the bank account and start spending like there was no tomorrow. But with all these advances in modern medicine, one has to be more cautious nowadays.

      Wonderful of you to visit. I’ve left you something nice in my will (but that could change at a moments notice so watch your step).

      Thanks for visiting.

      Don

  3. Mystsong permalink
    1:51 am

    Some of this advice is excellent for cranky folks of all ages. After all, you’re never too young to start planning how to posthumously drive people insane, and you never know when some hooligan in a Buick is going to mow you down crossing the street for a late night snack.

    Let it be noted that i have nothing against Buicks, hooligans or alcoholic beverages, but only against the combination thereof. And yes, I live in redneck country.

    • 12:45 pm

      Many thanks Mystsong,

      I fully agree. And in fact, if you are going to write 40 or 50 wills it is wise to get an early start. Plus, as you get older it is nice to look back and see where your venom was aimed 20 years ago. There almost as good as photo albums.

      And I’m glad to hear you have nothing against Buicks – my LeSabre is a damned fine car. And I can assure you that even if I did hit someone, I rarely travel at speeds which would result in anything more serious than a small bruise.

      Nice to have you visit. I trust you’re well.

      Don

    • yellowroses610 permalink
      5:21 pm

      As Stephen King has taught us Buick are dangerous and come from an alternate demantion ,You’re right to worry. And considering where you live they probably drink Budweiser or Iron city ,(If not shitty moon shine) and are on a quest for pork Rinds and Twinkies.

      Also good job picking an epic car Don. Though I’d pictured you in an old Mercedes, yelling at young folks to not park so damned close to your car.

  4. 2:20 am

    I think you’ve nailed it with the zinger at the end, Don.

    You can tie them up for hours will all sorts of stipulations as to when and where and with whom attending the will is to be read, gather the most uncomfortable chairs and horrible lighting into an undersized room, get the dryest, slowest lawyer to read it out, syllable by over-enunciated syllable (reminding family members that snacking, restroom breaks, checking cell phones, etc. are instant ejections) until you hit them with the great news at the end:

    “I am willing 99.9% of my fortune to the ‘Flock of Seagulls’ Home for Unfortunate Hairdos.’ The other 0.01% is to be divided evenly among my surviving relatives, and that includes the nearly 400 illegitimate children I sired during my cocksmithing years in the Royal Navy.”

    • 12:45 pm

      Many thanks CLT.

      The reading of the will is absolutely critical of course. It’s your last chance to humiliate friends and family and you want to do that as publicly as possible. Even if a particular relative is getting nothing you want to write a decent paragraph explaining why.

      “My faithful son-in-law Bryan visited my religiously. He took my to medical appointments, cut my lawn and always made sure there was room at his table at Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving and other holidays. I was going to leave him $50,000 but he spells his damned name with a “y.” What the Hell kind of nonsense is that? It’s offensive – so I leave him nothing but $147.13 with the stipulation that he use it toward the cost of getting a legal change of name.”

      Nice to have you visit CLT. I imagine your will would be a hell of a read.

      Don

  5. 3:21 am

    Mr. Mills, this is excellent advice, except for the numerous copies of the will. I do not want to give one red cent to greedy attorneys (although that is a fine idea to piss everyone off – I do hate lawyers much more than my family).

    I also have been thinking about how to stay in the greedy little minds of my relatives for a long time after I have kicked the bucket – here goes…

    I propose leading all the money seekers and half-assed family members down a rosy path at the reading of my will and throw in a zinger like: “and in closing, not one of you greedy rat bastards gets anything, because I managed to blow it all before I croaked”. Everyone that laughs gets a nice portion. Everyone that smiles gets a smaller portion. Everyone that starts bitching and moaning gets nothing and has to pay for the funeral, the viewing, and parking at the funeral home and gravesite…

    …or having a motocross race with either 3wheelers (the dangerous ones) from the funeral home to the grave site for the money. This needs to be at least a hundred miles and include; lots of hille, city streets during rush hour, dirt trails and lots of mud? Wahoo!

    Oh, I do ramble… anyway… another nice post… keep up the great work…and what time should I bring over the tuna casserole?

    Ornery Frank

    • 1:40 pm

      Many thanks Ornery Frank,

      I can appreciate your perspective on lawyers but there is something to be said for having family members battle over your worldly goods only to find out at the end they’ve spent the entire value of the estate and more on paying for the fight.

      Still, it’s a personal choice and your will should reflect your wishes.
      I quite enjoy the notion of paying out based on people’s reactions to the zinger at the end of the reading. It’s a nice touch and very arbitrary. I think I’ll start working on another revision this afternoon and may just borrow that. (Hope you don’t mind).

      And drop by with the casserole anytime you like. Consider yourself back in the will (for the moment…)

      Don

  6. 6:09 am

    I’m going to make sure that my will is riddled with ridiculous conditions like “Eldest son must spend entire inheritance on accordians and scented candles, eldest daughter must shave ALL body hair for 3 years to recieve inheritnce” and so on.

    My children are going to hate me.

    • 1:40 pm

      Thank you DeScepter,

      Truth be told, most children end up hating their parents anyway (or at least seeing them as a burden) so you may as well have some damned fun with it. Show them that you’ve still got a sense of humor!

      The accordions and scented candles is a very nice touch, by the way. I’ll have to remember that one.

      All the best,

      Don

  7. 8:08 am

    Do you know about the wealthy woman who stipulated her husband could make use of her money as long as she remained above ground? Of course she meant as long as she was alive, but he circumvented her wishes by having her embalmed after death and placed in a glass box in his dining room. He remarried a few years later and his new wife didn’t like the old one hanging around but they were both reluctant to give up the lifestyle so they donated her body to the Royal College of Surgeons where she was on permanent public display for many years.

    this is supposedly a true story by the way, you can probably google it between rewriting your wills

    • 1:47 pm

      Good God, Nursemyra, that’s a Hell of a story. I’ll have to look that one up for sure.

      I’ve said it before but I’ve requested that my remians be sent to a taxidermist. I want to be posed with cane in the air and menace in my face – and then left to stand on my front lawn.

      Many thanks

      Don

      • 4:54 pm

        Oh, dear, this comes almost simultaneously with a joke a friend sent me, which suggests you want to be very careful whom you employ for this purpose. It’s a “guy walks into a bar” joke, which is my favorite genre of all time, so even if a little off topic here it is:

        A guy walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.

        All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up when they hear his accent.

        The barman says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

        The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada”.

        The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?”

        The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist”.

        The bartender says, “A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?”

        “No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”

        The bartender grins and yells, “He’s okay boys — he’s one of us!”

      • 6:01 pm

        And by the way, NM, I know you’re from New Zealand so I hope there are no hard feelings about that joke. My ancestors appear to have been fifty per cent Scots-Irish, so I reckon I’m about half sheep-shagger myself.

  8. 10:07 am

    Hilarious! You are very, very wicked.

    • 1:43 pm

      Many thanks Doctoratlarge.

      Wicked? Perhaps, but I prefer to think of it as giving people what they damned well deserve.

      I appreciate your stopping in. Always good to have medical people nearby.

      Don

  9. 10:07 am

    I love that you are going to leave all your money to wiener dogs. My wife and I proudly own a dachshund ourselves. Maybe you would like a picture? Maybe, if you really want to upset your no-good, ungrateful family you should just leave all of your assets to us. We will gladly open a wiener dog rescue league! They need rescued from just about everything. At least our dog does. Cold floor, he wants picked up. Tall mop or broom handle, the little shit….er I mean my little buddy wants picked up. My wife even bought him a lifejacket when we lived in Florida and were getting slammed by hurricanes because he can’t swim. My point is that you’re putting your hard earned money to a good cause. Unlike that Leona Helmsley who left all of her money to one damn dog. You are a good man Donald. Should I have my attorney call you to set up the details??

    Oh, another fun game my great aunt played was to leave 100’s, 50’s, 20’s and 10’s crumpled up in toilet tissue all over her house. (She didn’t trust banks, and at the end she went a little senile) Plus she’d hide some in books, some in clothing, some in the attic, and some in the basement. Even food boxes, the freezer, and the broiler were fair game. You couldn’t throw anything at all away until you had thoroughly searched it. At the end of the day, it took us a good 6 months after she’d passed away to find it all. So she sure did stay on our minds!

    • 1:43 pm

      Many thanks Scott,

      I’d be happy to will everything to you and your wife. I’m sure that in return, the two of you will be willing to visit periodically, perhaps do some light yard work, take me out on my birthday and maybe send me some hard candies now and again.

      I like the idea of using the money to open a new rescue. The “Don Mills Home for Wayward Weiners” has a nice ring. I’ve always liked Dachshunds. They’re stubborn, tenacious and good in a tunnel.

      So, call your lawyer at once…I’ll sign anything.

      And your Great Aunt sounds like my kind of lady. That’s a brilliant approach. I love it.

      Thanks for visiting, Scott.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 12:08 pm

        You know Donald, I realize that I keep forgetting to invite you over to my place. I keep the heat at a sensible 73 degrees, and I have chamomile tea and digestive biscuits especially for you. So if you ever get time, stop by, I’d love to see you!

  10. 11:16 am

    Don,
    Thank you for the tips. My mother is getting up there in age and may be croaking any day now. I’m going to get her drunk this weekend and see if I can get some advance warning of what she’s done. She may have decided to leave her money to the plant lady who comes to water her plants… I am on the alert…
    I know this is the exact opposite of your intention but you must have thought about the flip side of giving such precious advice?

    • 1:43 pm

      Thank you delicate flower,

      I’m disappointed, obviously, that you are going to use this information for selfish purposes but I can’t hold it against you. At least you are going to visit the old dear and that’s better than most young people do.

      Plus, I’m hoping your old mom is cagier then you realize and is just working you for free drinks. We old people do that a lot.

      Thanks for visiting. All the best,

      Don

  11. 12:48 pm

    A plethora of great advice Don.

    I have to go to the doctor now b/c I think I have adult dyslexia.

    I read number four as “Include Beat-Off Contest” and couldn’t figure out what that had to do with a will until I read the description and realized you wrote something entirely different.

    • 5:22 pm

      Many thanks Bearman,

      Kind of early to be into the liquor cabinet isn’t it Bearman? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been know to use the “it’s noon somewhere” line myself on occasion but I know you artistic types are inclined to excess and would hate to see my favorite cartoonist spiraling into self-destruction before you’ve had a chance to finish my “Happy International Day of Older Persons” card.

      Coincidentally, I did have a widget up announcing a CONTEST (well DONtest actually) this morning but I took it down because it looked like Hell. I’ll get it back up there soon as I can fix it.

      Good to see you Bearman,

      All the best

      Don

      • 10:15 pm

        Thanks Don. Doctor says it isn’t my brain that was the problem it is my eyes. Now I have to sport reading glasses when I visit your site.

        • 1:44 am

          Sorry to hear that Bearman but it happens to us all. Just wait for the damned bifocals. They’re a real treat.

          Look into buying a cardigan lad! As my old friend Glen “Goofy” Gough the drywaller would say, you must be getting a tad long in the tooth.

          All the best,

          Don

  12. 1:24 pm

    Oddly, I’m doing a revision of my will right now. The problem I have is that, old or young, it’s hard for me to think of very many people I know who wouldn’t just piss away the money. It annoys me to think of that being done even by people I love very much. I prefer cats to wiener dogs, so I can see where this is going.

    • 5:22 pm

      I can relate to that Sledpress. You spend your whole life putting away a few pennies here and there and then as soon as you’re gone someone is using it to fund their family “dream vacation.” It doesn’t sit well. It really doesn’t.

      I used to have a cat. Decent enough animal and it left me alone for the most part. I don’t think I would have left it any money though, it wasn’t particularly responsible and had a taste for the catnip.

      Best regards,

      Don

  13. 1:33 pm

    So, you have a small fortune? I wouldn’t have guessed from the photo of you in your 1960’s wingback chair.

    Have I told you lately how much I enjoy your writing? So much so that I happen to have a new cardigan that I would like you to have. Can you send me your home address? Also, please let me know anything that you are highly allergic to and might kill you. (I wouldn’t want to accidentally harm you). Lastly, when are you usually home alone? I don’t want to interrupt your social activities.

    I look forward to seeing you very soon. Your new best friend, TL.

    • 6:09 pm

      Many thanks Tannerleah,

      I knew that deep down you were a good lad. I’m an excellent judge of character. I’d be damned pleased to accept a new cardigan and will email you my home address, phone number and a map as soon as I am done here and finish stuffing the my life savings into the mattress (the one in the spare room, not the master). It may take some time as it’s all just small, untraceable bills. Just come on in when you arrive, I’ve never believed in locking doors. In my day, you trusted folks.

      No allergies, thank god, but I do need to be careful of sudden shocks and loud noises. One ill-timed scare and I’d be dead before I hit the floor.

      And as for socializing, well I don’t get many visitors after dark. It might be partly my fault, the outside light burned out a couple of years ago and I haven’t replaced it. You can barely see my house from the street.

      Looking forward to seeing you lad.

      Don

  14. 2:21 pm

    The proper thing to do is leave em with a bunch of bills. That way, they can cuss you from here to eternity (Excellent movie, by the way.). If you leave em a bunch of money, they say thanks (maybe), spend it and forget about you. Leave em a bunch of bills (credit card being the best), and they never forget you. I’m told it’s nice to be remembered🙂

    • 6:10 pm

      You’re right Jammer.

      Leaving behind a bucket load of debts would be the best method of ensuring a lasting legacy. Maybe I’ll have to start responding to that never ending stream of credit card offers that seem to arrive in the mail. Despite my fixed income, advancing age and the state of the economy, people still seem to be lining up to give me credit.

      Thanks for the tips. Feel free to bill me for the advice. I’ll have one of the nieces pay the tab after I’m dead.

      Best regards,

      Don

  15. 2:35 pm

    Hey Don!

    If you decide to include the disclosure of a bastard child as a zinger for you, may it be me? I don’t mind sharing your goods with your offspring. Leave me the house. I promise I will keep the damn young people off of your lawn. I may even manage to steal your dead body and bury it close to the maple tree.

    Ivan

    Now, if I could only ask for one thing when you leave this life to a better one, I would ask for your writing skills… too bad it doesn’t happen like this… I’ll keep the stinky wingback, though.

    • 6:11 pm

      Ivan!

      I’d be happy to identify you as my bastard son. The idea of me having had a tryst with a Brazilian beauty back in the late 60s/early 70s is just unbelievable enough to make people think it might be true.

      Hell, I even like the idea of having wee Arthur as my illegitimate grandson and will see if I can cut him in for a piece of the pie.

      Any man prepared to honor my lawn and my old chair is certainly worthy of my estate. Consider yourself primary beneficiary (for now….I’m fickle, remember).

      All the best, Ivan. (And thanks for the compliment. It was damned nice of you and an important factor in my decision to leave you my car and wrist watch as well!)

      Don

  16. Lynn permalink
    4:56 pm

    i liked the last one best, “always close with a zinger” ~a final stick-it-to-ya to the less grateful ones……old folks need the last say! loved this one as much as the others don! why the sudden concern with the will? i hope you’re feeling well these days!

    • 6:12 pm

      Many thanks Lynn,

      Nice to see you again. No need to worry about me – but thank you for asking. I’ve been feeling quite well lately and spending a good deal of time tending to my gardens and waving my cane at passing pedestrians.

      I hope all is well with you.

      Thanks again for visiting. Always a treat to have you stop in.

      Don

  17. 5:30 pm

    I like the good scavenger hunt idea to drive ’em wild. Leave clues that send them to distant shores in third word countries.

    Good post.

    P.S. I’m leaving you all my worldly possessions. But that could change in a moments notice. Still, just to be safe, I would update the ole passport.

    • 2:05 am

      Many thanks Tricia,

      A scavenger hunt is a fine idea. And really, with relatives, the further away you can scatter them the better.

      And thanks for including me in your will. That’s very considerate. Don’t forget to make me work for it though!

      All the best,

      Don

  18. yellowroses610 permalink
    5:35 pm

    I’ve written wills every few months since I turned eighteen. I only have a thousand dollars or so ,but I have thousands of dollars worth of books,movies, rare coins, and pieces of art,so there are thing to look for. I also am in the process of collecting swords,which will probably go to my cousin once his mother decides he;s old enough. Most of my art goes to my Grandma though,in the even that I die before her. Aside from the tasteful nudes. That goes to WindMystsong.

    If you were to say leave a few things to any one on the forum would you be willing to leave a Scoth-Irish lass such as my self your Rye? I would have a glass every year on your birthday and put flowers on your and your late wife’s grave. If you;d prefer I could pour some of the Rye on your graves, as is often doen around here.

    I hope it;s another twenty years or so before any of use discover where your true will is,

    Sincerely,
    Yellow Roses.

    • 2:09 am

      Many thanks Rose,

      It’s always good to see a young person planning ahead.

      And I’d be happy to leave you a small bottle of rye (provided Hattie doesn’t clear me out before the relatives descend).

      But please, feel free to drink it. I hate to see a good rye wasted and Aggie was never partial to the taste anyway.

      Thank you Rose. That’s a kind offer.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Yellowroses91o permalink
        8:46 pm

        Hey It’s the least I can do, you’re an awsome old fellow, and if you lived near me I’d hang out with you.

  19. 6:27 pm

    Of course, you could save yourself a lot of trouble by not making one at all. Just be sure to let them know before you kick the bucket. That would certainly drive them crazy, but this way you’d be sitting front row center and be able to watch the entire show!🙂

    • 12:14 pm

      Many thanks Yorksnbeans,

      That’s an interesting approach but I’m bound and determined to haunt my damned relatives for years after my death and making sure they can’t figure out who gets what seems like the most practical approach.

      Best regards,

      Don

  20. 6:40 pm

    It’s also fun to write the will on something symbolic. Like a stone tablet, an etch-a-sketch or a used kleenex, depending on the level of contempt you want to show your friends and loved ones. Video wills are also fun for making your relatives have awkward eye contact with the recently-deceased.

    Donald, your blog is hilarious. Come visit mine. Or don’t. Just don’t yell at me. You actually scare me a little.

    • 12:15 pm

      Many thanks Dave.

      I have to say that the Etch-a-sketch is an inspired piece of will-making equipment that had not occurred to me. It gets me to thinking that a “lightbright” will might also be in order.

      Kleenex is another excellent idea. And for those of us with a nastier bent, might I also suggest toilet paper.

      I greatly appreciate the suggestions, Dave, and the kind words. I will definitely be over to visit you shortly.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  21. 9:28 pm

    The “Hamishview Home for Abandoned Weiner Dogs” is the most noble cause on God’s crusty gray earth.

    Well played, Don… Not only are you jerking around your money grubbing relatives – but you’re contributing to the betterment of Weiner dogs everywhere.

    (Any word from perfect cousin Kevin? I hear his mother bought him a synthesizer, and got the human league into advice her… I don’t care for the undertones of that.)

    • 12:15 pm

      Thank you Alan,

      Decent of you to visit (and opportune given the subject).

      Rest assured that you are in one of my wills. I don’t recall where that one might be but I’m sure it will turn up in time. And as for cousin Kevin – last I heard he was off looking for teenage kicks and trying to pursue a career as a male model. Good luck to him. That boy has a face like an old boot.

      All the best,

      Don

  22. 9:34 pm

    No. You MUST leave a will, else the gotdamn revenuers will assume all the loot.

    My will shall involve my survivors in a game of The Biggest Loser. They shall have to compete over the course of six months, the whole shebang going to the one who loses the most weight. None of that body mass index nonsense either. No considerations for percentages, or sex. Just lose the most weight. What they’ll win is a second, newer copy of my will giving everything to the heaviest relative. I shall smile and laugh at their anorexic expressions upon that heavy-revvy.

    Where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.

    .

    • 12:16 pm

      Joan of Argghh!,

      Few things make laugh out loud but this damned idea of yours is a hoot. I’m sorely tempted to gather up all of my old wills, burn them, and write up one that follows your plan. It’s simply inspired.

      Thank you for brightening my day!

      Don

  23. Lily Fossil permalink
    10:13 pm

    Dear Donald,

    This discussion about Wills is a bit close-to-the-bone for me at present as my dear old Father passed away last year.

    He was a dear old sod apart from being very stingy and mean during his long life so naturally there was some interest in his Will and the distribution of his estate upon his death because of the vast wealth he had accumulated.

    My Mother (his wife of 60 years) couldn’t wait to get her grubby little hands on all his money so she was down at the Solicitors’ Office first thing after the Funeral for the reading of the Will.

    This is a true story by the way.

    You can imagine her shock/surprise when she found that he had left a sizeable portion of his Estate to some woman none of us had ever heard of.

    To this day I don’t know who this woman is, whether she was his Mistress or she could be my sister.

    Anyway, I received nothing and my mother got the house, but I decided NOT to contest the Will because I reasoned that in the end, they were my Father’s wishes and whoever this woman is, she must have been very special to him.

    Yours philosophically,

    Lily

    • Yellowroses91o permalink
      12:28 am

      Lily, I’m sorry to hear about your father and will keep him in my prayers. It takes a lot of respect to not contest that,but you, at least in my opinion, did the right thing.

    • 12:37 pm

      Thank you Lily,

      I’m very sorry if the subject hit a little too close to home for you and hope it didn’t dredge up too many painful memories. And I’m terribly sorry for your loss. My old dad passed a good number of years ago but I still feel it as acutely as if it were yesterday.

      That’s quite a story, Lily, and I can only imagine the shock that you and your mother must have endured. Taking the highroad must have been difficult but I’m sure it was the best possible choice for all concerned.

      All the best,

      Don

  24. 10:45 pm

    Mr Mills

    I think this one may have cemented my opinion that you might have some bats in the belfry. I had a relative like you once…crazy as a coon dog after it got hold of can of sasparilla…although i do like the idea of leaving all of your wordly possesions (box of cardigan sweaters, can a brill cream and your collection of johnny mathis records. Oh and 100 Million dollars…please dont leave yet though i sense you still have much advice to empart to the god damned your whipper snappers like me…zman sends

    • 12:37 pm

      Many thanks Zman,

      I have to say it’s nice to see you back in a fiery mood, lad. It’s that kind of spunky behavior that led me to decide that you should be the sole beneficiary of all my cardigans and brill cream. (For the last damned time I don’t have any Johnny Mathis records!) Those cardigans are damned well near priceless, Zman, and they sure as Hell better not end up on eBay. If they do, I guarantee I’m coming back and haunt the bejeepers out of you!

      Best regards,

      Don

  25. 11:49 pm

    Don,

    You are like the Charles Vance Millar of “Last Wills and Testaments”. You may not have heard of him (he was Canadian so he didn’t get a lot of media coverage), but take it from me, that guy really knew how to put the “fun” back in funeral.

    Before he died, Charles put a clause in his will that promised a huge chunk of cash to the Toronto woman who could bear the most children within a ten-year time span. Suffice to say, those money-hungry ladies were having random unprotected sex with questionable men and popping out unwanted kids left right and center. It was hilarious!!!!!!

    (FYI, it’s better when you watch the movie)

    Anyway, although I’ll be extremely saddened when you pass on, I’m really looking forward to taking on the role of “Executor of Don Mills Will.” (I hope you weren’t being fickle about that…I already bought a gavel and one of those old-fashioned judges wigs from EBay)

    Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to book Peter Funt for the “Big Reveal” to your family…given his talent, I’m sure the man has a lot of free time now that Candid Camera is off the air.

    Bequeathing your stuff always,

    Bschooled

    • 1:51 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled,

      An interesting story and while I don’t approve of rabid, unmarried procreation I have to give full marks to Mr. Millar for creativity.

      I don’t know much about Toronto but my sister in law lived there briefly and based on her comments I wouldn’t have thought the local women needed any additional motivation to behave like harlots. (Keep in mind though, Helen is a bit of a prude.)

      As far as your role as executor goes – that’s one area in which my fickleness isn’t going to come into play. I’m counting on you to whip my family into shape, make them jump through hoops and generally keep them on their damned toes. I appreciate your taking on the role.

      If that Peter Funt is Alan Funt’s lad then I’d say it’s an excellent choice. If it’s just an odd coincidence that they share the same last name and have participated in the same television program than it’s just a good choice. Either way, I trust you’ll manage things in a way that is dignified yet extremely punitive.

      Best regards,

      Don

  26. Catherine permalink
    7:12 pm

    Your latest blog entry has put me in a bit of a spot, Don. I just discovered you last week and found you so entertaining that I told my mum and dad all about you and even sent them a link to your blog. I feel now that I may come to regret it. I may come to you for compensation.

    • 5:27 pm

      Many thanks, Catherine.

      My apologies for the unfortunate timing. I can only hope that you’ve been a dutiful daughter and have nothing to fear.

      As far as compensation goes, I’d be happy to add you to my will (I’ve been looking for an entirely arbitrary reason to cut out my brother, York, and this will do).

      Consider yourself in! I should note, however, that as I change my will weekly, you’re only likely to benefit if I die within the next 7 days. It’s like a lottery – only more morbid.

      Good luck and thanks for visiting. Pass on my best regards to your folks.

      Don

  27. Debbi permalink
    3:13 am

    You crafty devil, you. Of course, you should write a will and use it to torment your relatives. Use it to get everything you can from them, but leave them with nothing but debts! Now that’s what I call a legacy.

  28. 11:48 am

    Donald, I’m linking you. Like it or not.

  29. 4:18 pm

    I have a simple way of keeping me in the hearts and minds of my children for a long time. I am leaving them $100 each. They’re going to be cursing me for quite a while.

    • 5:33 pm

      Many thanks, Gryphon, and welcome! Nice to have you visit.

      I like your plan, sir, but would make one small suggestion.

      Rather than leaving them each $100 – give each one a slightly different amount (e.g., $105 to one, $95 to another). Not only will they be cursing you, they’ll be trying to figure out what the Hell they might have done to cause you to favor one over the other…and how that favortism managed to equate to a lousy 10 bucks.

      All the best and thanks for the link! Kind of you.

      Don

  30. Steven Harris permalink
    2:48 pm

    Leave nothing to the elatives who have loved and carted for you in your declining years. Leave it all instead to the little swines who have ignored you apart from the time they tried to rob your house when you were in hospital having a hip replacement.
    http://doctorbeatnik.wordpress.com/

    • 12:52 am

      Many thanks for visiting doctorbeatnik.

      I prefer to think of them as my “reclining” years but I take your point.

      All the best,

      Don

  31. 11:23 pm

    hi Don

    just stopped by to see what’s going on and I see your are still railing against the battles older folks like yourself deal with every day.

    Gotta go, see ya next week.

  32. brumbur permalink
    2:02 pm

    Hi Don,

    it’s just one month since I follow your blog and I am new in the whole blog world, but I must say – creativity is your strong side. Thank you for writing and sharing!🙂

    • 10:29 pm

      Thank you kindly for the comment brumbur – I appreciate the kind words.

      I do hope that I will hear from you again.

      All the best,

      Don

  33. YellowRoses610 permalink
    5:52 pm

    Could you name me as one of your bastard children thatwas put up for adoption? you could say you had a tryst with an irish Barmaid.

    • 10:32 pm

      Thank you Rose,

      Grand daughter might be a more logical choice but I’m sure I can work something out…

      I’ll get started on the paperwork.

      All the best,

      Don

  34. 7:38 pm

    I had already implemented a slightly different plan. I have decided to spend the inheritance I would leave to my daughter and any other children I may have some day. I want them to mourn my loss. It’s hard to mourn with thoughts of “cha-ching” ringing in the ears.

    • 10:34 pm

      Sounds like a decent enough plan, Ahmnodt. Just be mindful of timing. Nothing worse than spending everything you have and then discovering that the shadow on the x-ray was nothing more than the technician’s thumb.

      Regards,

      Don

  35. Tubbo & Dubba Tubba permalink
    3:38 am

    Funny as always, Don. I’d even say your best yet. Reminds me of a blog you might be familiar; Maddox? Google him up, you might like it.

    Anyway, the more I read your works, the more it seems like something a “dammed young person” would say. Even your tags; “screw your relatives,” that just isn’t something I’d expect a geezer to say. You’re 80 something years old. This isn’t the way you’d likely be spending your time. Are you for real?

    Just my guesses though. Maybe this is legit, I don’t know. I don’t care either, because it’s damn funny. Keep on writing, old dude.

    Dubba Tubba

    • 3:49 pm

      Thank you Dubba Tubba,

      I’ll be sure to google this Maddox fellow (any relation to Matlox?) and see what he’s on about.

      And be assured that I’m for real, Dubba Tubba. I’m 100% pure Don Mills.

      All the best,

      Don

  36. 3:57 am

    Mr Donald Mills,

    as you know I wilfully leave reading your weekly post until a goodly few comments have accumulated because the end result is a work of art.

    This is a superb indictment of the folly of human relationships in affluent cultures and I totally support your actions. All my very small estate will end up well away from any blood relatives!

    dave

    • 3:55 pm

      Nice to see you Dave,

      Hope you had an enjoyable birthday. And I’m glad to hear you have a similiar approach in mind for managing your estate. The thought of all my years of hard work and savings ending paying for some relative’s dream trip on a Disney Cruise is just too galling for words.

      Best regards,

      Don

  37. scottw permalink
    12:10 am

    Thank you Don. I just found your blog a few weeks ago and it has brought me much joy. I am just entering the “get off my lawn” stage of life and you are my hero. Please keep up the good work.

    Scott

    • 12:36 am

      Many thanks for the comment Scottw,

      And I’d pleased to provide your official welcome to the “get off my lawn” stage of life. (I will show you the secret handshake later). I think you’ll find that while it may not be the most exciting portion of a man’s life, it has a Hell of a lot going for it. Experience, maturity and perspective to name but three.

      Hope to hear from you again lad.

      Don

      p.s. no offence, lad, but that picture of your’s scares the Hell out of me.

  38. downcastmysoul permalink
    2:30 am

    Leave it to them in pennies :p

    • 3:10 pm

      Nice to see you downcastmysoul,

      I like the penny idea very much. Perhaps you could leave a wading pool full of pennies and give each relative a shovel and two minutes to scoop up as much as they are able. You could even bury a $100 bill in there somewhere in order to heighten the drama.

      Hope you’re keeping well.

      Don

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        5:32 pm

        Now that’s cool! Make them dig with a shovel! I’d say it was a hundred but it would just be a one. Or, leave them a few random Susan B. Anthony’s that look like quarters.

  39. 7:23 am

    Don, Am I still in your will? I have the space in the yard ready for the bronze statue.

    • 3:15 pm

      My dear Claire,

      If you have the space and are willing to display the statue consider yourself first in line.

      The exact specifications for the statue will be included in the will but be assured it will be both dignified and somewhat menacing. And I don’t go for those armless, nude or abstract types (obviously) so you needn’t worry about it being in bad taste.

      All the best,

      Don

  40. lauraw permalink
    2:00 pm

    That’s my husband (scottw) up there. We believe you can tell a lot about a person by their avatar.

    I’d like to add my thanks to you for giving him something to do besides shoot chipmunks and shout unsolicited grooming advice at the neighbors’ kids.

  41. 3:21 pm

    Very nice of you to stop in Lauraw.

    I’m happy to be of assistance but have to admit that based on young Scott’s photo I’m curious about the nature of the grooming advice he might be providing. He appears to me to be in desperate need of a shave, a haircut and 14 hours of continuous sleep.

    Regardless, he seems a decent lad and anyone with an interest in yelling at young people is a friend of mine.

    Hope to hear from you both again,

    All the best,

    Don

  42. 6:39 pm

    You are not allowed to speak to my mother or grandparents! Ever!
    Personally I’d do the scavenger hunt but my son would win and probably uncover dinosaur bones while he’s at it. Then again those might be your bones if you go first.

    • 11:50 pm

      Thank you very much Suzette,

      Your son sounds like an adventurous lad. I’d strongly suggest you keep him away from my backyard. Not only is he unlikely to uncover my bones (I intend to have my remains scattered around my backyard but refuse to be cremated), I’ve buried a number of relics back there including old car batteries, lead paint cans, an old fridge and a number of garden gnomes.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  43. 10:08 pm

    G’day Don.

    How the hell are you, me old mate?

    It’s good of you to give us an insight into how the elder grey matter works where wills are concerned.

    My Mum always told me that she’d left money in her will to cover my kids’ university education, and like a fool, I believed her.

    Sure, she left them money (lots of it), but no stipulation that it had to be used to educate the buggers. so I had no option but to hand it over,a dn then dig further into my pocket to pay for their upkeep.

    Even worse, was her devious ploy of leaving money to the kids as the first two lines of her will, and leaving me the balance of the estate.

    So, No1 son gets x-thousand pounds, and Lovely Daughter gets x-thousand pounds. Trouble is the whole estate was only worth 2x-thousand, so I got bugger all.

    Bloody Scots!

    • 11:53 pm

      That’s quite the story there Nobbly.

      Sounds to me like your old mom knew exactly what she was getting up to. I believe the young people call it “pay back.” And it seems to me that few do it better than the Scots.

      Good to see you Nobbly. Trust all is well with the Mad Hatters.

      Best regards,

      Don

  44. 1:33 pm

    Mr. Mills, I must admit I got a little concerned for you, what with this talk of last will and testament and all, but I soon realised you’ve got far too much ire left in you to pass away just like that.

    I must say I particularly loved the idea of the bronze statue. There ought to be conditions regarding the regular cleaning and polishing of said statue as well. And don’t get me started on pigeons. Pigeons are to statues are what teenagers are to lawns.

    Haven’t checked in for a while, now I am going to enjoy your sensible views on driving.

    Here’s to wishing you many a crabby year still. All the best,

    TJ

    • 10:47 pm

      Many thanks TJ.

      Always good to hear from you lad. I’ll be sure to take your advice and add a “regular cleaning clause” to the will. It’s an excellent point – I wouldn’t want my likeness to end up covered in pigeon crap or gang tag graffiti.

      Thanks for checking in TJ. I trust you are doing well and keeping busy.

      All the best.

      Don

  45. 3:28 pm

    that was hilariously entertaining😀

    • 8:28 pm

      Nice to hear from you Danica,

      I hope you’re keeping well. Thanks for stopping in to visit.

      All the best,

      Don

  46. Vyasamoorthy permalink
    2:25 pm

    Utterly hilarious! Nice to see that your commentators too have the same sense of humor. You made my day. Thanks a ton. Will mark this story also to my web group. vyasamoorthy

    • 8:27 pm

      Many thanks Vyasamoorthy,

      I appreciate the kind words. All the best and thank you for visiting.

      I hope to hear from you again.

      Best regards,

      Don

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