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Making the Move to Assisted Living: A Guide for Anxious Seniors

A simple tip sheet for my senior brethren.



100 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:48 am

    aww too funny, my dad has dementia and has been in a nursing home situation for nearly 2 years, so this blog was so easy to relate to.
    My husband and I picked out his ‘new home’ and have had a couple of problems. So straight away I sent this piece to the staff at the nursing home for a giggle….well I hope they laugh as much as I did! this sort of stuff is a great tonic, please keep up the writing!

    • 12:58 am

      Thank you very much Linda,

      Sorry to hear about your old dad, I know how challenging that can be. Hopefully he’s getting good care in his nursing home.

      Thanks for forwarding the flyer along. It’s important to get the word out. And even if the staff don’t get a giggle, at least it will let them know you’re keeping an eye on them.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,


  2. 1:01 am

    I guess I should move my grandpa out of that home right next to the glue factory. I always thought the fumes would help reduce his anger, but maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all.

    • 1:09 am

      Thank you Russ,

      You’ll definitely want to move him – especially if his first name happens to be Elmer. That just has personal disaster written all over it.

      And I really wouldn’t worry about trying to reduce the old man’s anger. Chances are it’s one of the few things he has left that he can call his own.

      Very nice to hear from you again, Russ.

      All the best,


  3. 1:10 am

    I just want a place where the men still know the difference between cologne and Ben-Gay.

    • 1:39 am

      Thank you notquiteold,

      I’ve never been a believer in cologne. A man should smell like soap, pipe tobacco and hard work.

      Still, based on the homes I’ve visited recently, I don’t think the overpowering smell of cologne or Bengay is something you’ll need to worry about.

      All the best notquiteold. Very nice to hear from you again.


  4. 1:48 am

    Note to self: Buy dictionary and look up anemia and enema. And to NotQuiteOld – I thought BenGay WAS a cologne . . . This is fantastic – I’m still laughing!!

    • 1:53 am

      Thank you angrymiddleagewoman,

      I believe you’re thinking of Brylcreem – it styles hair, makes a man smell fine and can also be used to lubricate a squeaky hinge. A truly multipurpose product if there ever was one.

      All the best and warm regards,


  5. mysterycoach permalink
    2:00 am

    Oh my… goodness. You know, this one frightens me quite a bit. I think about when I get older and these conditions and I work at a law firm and we’ve had cases where people mistreat or drop the elderly patients. Makes me mad.

    This is still funny but … not so funny. Excellent as always though (insert big grin) You are one talented young man.


    • 8:54 pm

      Many thank you MC,

      I’d like to know what staff are doing carrying the old folks around anyway? Are they short of walkers, wheelchairs and canes? Or are they just tossing us old folks about for sport? Either way, it’s damned concerning. I certainly don’t want to end my days slung over the shoulder of some disgruntled orderly or getting a piggyback to the cafeteria from some underpaid nurses aide.

      I’d say you have good reason to be frightened.

      Thanks very much for stopping in, MC. Always nice to hear from you.


      p.s. Not sure what I did to warrant the”young man” insult but I apologize if I’ve caused you offence in the past.

      • mysterycoach permalink
        9:05 pm

        Mr. Mills, Nice to see you again as well!

        Patients in homes and hospitals have been known to be dropped in transferring them from bed to bed at times or for lack of proper supervision and the side bars of the bed not being set up properly and the patient rolls out of the bed onto the floor, and they sustain some pretty horrible injuries.

        I think the worst case was many years ago, a woman had a hip replacement, she fell out of her bed in the care center and suffered (basically) a broken face which … I could go into detail however she passed away. It was very, very sad. We had a case where aides dropped a poor woman who is unable to speak to say WHO did it, or she has refused to tell. Which, she sustained fractures to her shoulder blade and I believe her ankle as well.

        Hahaha! I say “young man” because the way you write is difficult to imagine you as … well, elderly. As such, it was intended to be a compliment.

        LOL hahahaha! oh my god, you are VERY funny! How about, spry, outspoken older gentleman? Would this be more to your liking? (snicker)

        • 9:14 pm

          Thank you MC.

          Horrible examples but I can’t say I’m surprised. It seems every time I open a newspaper there is another outrageous example of neglect and more promises to improve things. Unfortunately, despite all the damned jabbering people continue to get their “faces broken.” We’d likely have more rights in traditional prison.

          I appreciate the clarification on the young man remark. I much prefer “spry, outspoken older gentlemen.”

          All the best,


          • mysterycoach permalink
            10:27 pm

            You are most welcome Mr. Mills … They are horrible examples and I”ve stopped reading the paper or AOL news because it’s disheartening what goes on all over the world today. You have a good point about prison and them receiving better care, I don’t know, never been there myself (thank god) so I’d only be able to speculate.

            Okay then, “spry, outspoken older gentleman” it is! SOOG for short. Oh, it looks like I just said something awful! So, you’re a soog… heh …

            Enjoy your evening.


  6. 2:02 am

    Any nursing home I go to needs to know the difference between ping pong paddles and death panels.One I am too old to play with, the other I don’t want playing with my life.

    • 8:57 pm

      Thank you bmj2k,

      Amen to that. Even worse, though, is if they don’t know the difference between ping pong paddles and defibrillator paddles.

      All the best.


      • 3:42 am

        And that’s the comparison that eluded me for ten minutes until I settled on death panels. Ugh! My mind is going. I hope I don’t end up in one of those places.

  7. Brook Gibney permalink
    3:30 am

    I agree with Linda. Very, very, good. Hilarious, in fact. Made me LAUGH OUT LOUD! And then parts of me started jiggling, it was that funny.

    • 8:58 pm

      Many thanks Brook.

      Very nice to hear from you. Hope the family is well.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.


  8. melissakoski permalink
    3:31 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    Your post captured my favorite man smells while growing up. My Dad always smelled of pipe tobacco and hard work and my Grandpa, Brylcreem. Boy did he have a fine head of hair.

    My favorite quip is “No, you’ll make old friends” in the Q and A section of your flier.

    Thanks for continuing to fuel the conversations at my family gatherings with your insightful posts.

    Melissa Koski

    • 9:03 pm

      Thank you Melissa,

      The are fine smells aren’t they. Nowadays of course, men are supposed to drench themselves in over-priced cologne and mist themselves with assorted body sprays. It’s vain and decadent as far as I’m concerned

      I appreciate the kind words. Nice to hear that there are still families out there that converse, and don’t just text each other over the dinner table.

      All the best,


  9. 3:56 am

    Ah, Don, tragically brilliant. My aunt is an an assisted living facility and I have calculated that I could have placed her in a luxury hotel or on a cruise ship or at a space station for less than the money this place costs. Of course, none of these other options would have provided her with poison gases coming out of the heating vents in her room. Or so she informs me on a regular basis.

    • 9:06 pm

      Many thanks lifeintheboomerlane,

      I wouldn’t be too quick to write off those poison gases. At minimum, they’re likely adding some sort of sedative in order to keep the inmates quiet.

      I like the idea of spending my final months aboard some sort of space station. The zero gravity would probably be good for my lumbago and if they equipped it with some manner of “death laser” I could have a hell of a good time too.

      Warm regards,


  10. TheMindOfFreya permalink
    4:51 am

    When I was a kid, my babysitter used to take my brother and I to the hospital to visit the elderly. Now the clincher was that she would put an old lumberjack jacket and a mask of an old man on my brother and wheel him around the hospital in a wheelchair. I had no choice but to go along with this being a young age of 9 but honestly what I witnessed was truly amazing. The elderly folks lit up! Smiles grew across their faces as we happily went from floor to floor. They got a kick out of it! As crazy as my old babysitter was, she had a sense of humor that just seemed ‘effective’ so to speak. I guess it’s true; laughter can be the best medicine.

    • 9:18 pm

      Thank you TheMindOfFreya,

      Not sure how I’d react to the sight of a young man in a wheel chair wearing a lumberjack jacket and a senior mask. Sounds a little bit like something you’d see in one of those “Texas Chain Massacre” movies. Still, I’m glad to hear that the old folks appreciated the diversion.

      And it’s a good thing that laughter is best medicine – because most of the real stuff is too damned expensive.

      All the best and thanks for sharing your story.


  11. 5:00 am

    Dear Don, I sniffed a touch of been-there-done-that in your post. I’d always imagined you tucked up in a comfy Chesterfield next to your very own fireplace (laptop where a lap top should be). You’re not sneaking blogs out of a High Security facility are you?

    • 9:21 pm

      Thank you Louise,

      I’ve been on the inside but only in the capacity of visitor. And I beat a hasty retreat as soon as I saw the Warden giving me the once over and approaching some of their “Senior Lifestyle” propaganda.

      I’ll stay independent until the end. They’ll get me out of my easy chair when they pry it from my cold dead hands.

      Best regards,


  12. 6:31 am

    You never fail to give me a good chuckle! Thanks!

    • 9:22 pm

      Thank you Carrie,

      I appreciate the kind words. Nice to hear from you again.

      All the best,


  13. 8:29 am

    Excellent work as always – I look forward to the pdf version which I can include with this year’s Christmas cards,
    Sincerely, yours etc.

    • 9:23 pm

      Many thanks minlit,

      A very good idea. Seniors need to know what awaits them. And as I’ve always said, there’s no time like Christmas for depressing end of life conversations.

      Warm regards,


  14. 8:39 am

    Mr. Mills
    As always your blog is something that has put a smile on my face and reminded me of my late Grandparents. I was blessed to have never seen any of the four in assisted living and thank the Lord everytime because my mother has been a cna in a few and the are HORRIBLE! (i wouldnt want to be in one and or put my worse enemy in one as well.) I was wondering your thoughts on senior communities. (gated areas for seniors where you have your own house ,garage, and amenities (etc). after trading in your old morgage and get a home in their community / graduated care? Seems to me your privacy would only be invaded when you picked up the phone to security, but my pardons if you were including those as well. I inclusion can not await your next blog and will hopefully get my own dad to subscribe in the new year upon my cross country visit to his home. (im a military wife. not avoiding my dad I love him!)
    Thanks for information,
    Katherine Mantooth

    • 9:30 pm

      Thank you Katherine,

      I only know a handful of folks who have moved into senior’s communities and they seem to like them well enough. I suppose the upside is that they are able to continue to live largely independently in an area that is likely entirely young person free.

      For me, though, I can’t imagine leaving my small home. I’ve lived here most of my adult life and despite the fact that the neighborhood has gone to hell in a hand basket, it’s home and where I want to stay. Moving sounds like a damned nightmare – packing, labeling, digging up all the things I’ve buried in the back yard…it’s too much grief.

      Best regards and many thanks for popping in.


  15. 8:42 am

    I’m sorry Don,
    But this one sends shivers up (what remains of it) my spine.
    Being left alone in a corner to wither and shrivel up.
    To be ignored whatever rational speech you may utter.
    To be fed food that would be rejected by the Kosovo national Army

    It sounds just like home.

    I’ll go wherever they have beer and whisky on tap.

    Australia sounds good, especially if it gets just too much, there are plenty of extremely venomous snakes to hasten the (inevitable) end.

    Yours in failing Health.

    • 9:34 pm

      Many thanks TSB,

      Sounds like you want to go to an Assisted Living Pub. I can see that it would have some advantages…just be sure not to get a bed by the dart board.

      My advice, keep the whiskey bottle close at hand. In moderation, it’s guaranteed to cure what ails you.

      All the best, TSB. Always a pleasure to hear from you.


  16. 9:56 am

    Good to see you are still ‘with it’ enough to spell brethren correctly on the web page!

    • 9:37 pm

      Thank you Peter,

      It may not seem like much but it’s all valuable evidence at any future competency hearing.



  17. 10:13 am

    “Remember, if staff don’t know the differnece between anemia and enema you’ll be the one paying for it in the end.”

    Beautiful pun!

    Awesome post as always, Mr. Mills. Keep up the sterling work!

    • 9:38 pm

      Many thanks underwhelmer,

      Many thanks for the kind words. I appreciate your dropping by to visit. Trust you’re keeping well.

      Best regards,


  18. 2:29 pm

    My mother went into an assisted living facility at age 88, and moved back out the following year. She couldn’t stand paying for care that was worse than she was able to give herself. She got a little dementia in her 91st and last year on earth, but she never got as crazy as her neighbors who were half her age. Funny post.

    • 9:40 pm

      Many thanks Jonah,

      I’m glad to hear your mother was able to move out and control her own fate. Most don’t get that opportunity.

      Appreciate your stopping in.

      All the best,


  19. 3:22 pm

    Thanks for the tips. I’m going to put a copy in each of my Christmas cards this year. So educational. thanks.

    • 9:42 pm

      Thank you happygirl,

      If you miss the Christmas cards, remember, assisted living literature also makes an excellent stocking stuffer.

      Best regards,


  20. Sedate Me permalink
    3:37 pm

    Very good flyer, sir.

    As with much in life, one cannot understate the importance of ignoring the frills and concentrating on the basics. Going for the frills leaves you with a 3 car garage full of iBoxes and singing fish, but a foreclosure notice in the mail. The basics may mean enduring the “indignity” of a small no-def TV and a 4 year old computer, but they keep your fridge full and the electricity bill paid.

    Mr Mills, your tips regarding staff quality and room accommodation can’t be understated. Generally speaking, “assisted living” staff tend to be far below nursing home staff, who tend to be a little below hospital staff. And a large number of all the above are young people. Enough said.

    Private rooms are a must. You may get along swimmingly with your roomate/s. But the catch is that they could die at any moment and be replaced with a raving lunatic who sleepwalks and has a serious incontinence problem. Even if you are a “social person”, take a private room and hang out in the common areas all day. Solitary confinement is worth the extra money.

    The day-trip escape opportunity is also a brilliant idea. But there are a few other tips I could expand on:

    1) The kitchen In any institution, the food almost always generates the most complaints. Food is the front line in an institution and kitchens are the trenches. If at all possible, check out the facilities and the staff. You will submit yourself to them 3 times a day for the rest of your life. It’s a good idea to know if they have piles of rat droppings lying next to the mixer bowl and if the cook has open sores.

    2) Medication If they hold onto your meds and dispense them to you, make damn sure the person doing it is qualified. You don’t want to be getting mistaken doses of Nellie’s stool softener, Jebidiah’s nitro. It happens a lot in less regulated facilities.

    3) Cameras If a facility has cameras in it, it can mean only 2 things, neither are good.

    A) They’re sinister people who want to watch your every move. They either want to control you, or “get their jollies” from watching you. Yes, there ARE staff who “get their jollies” from watching old people. It’s kind of like diddlers volunteering for Boy Scouts, except that nobody takes it seriously, so it escalates.

    B) Staff, or fellow residents, engage in enough abuse and/or crime that management feels the need to spend lots of money snooping on everyone at all times. Remember, unlike buying into an actual home, the folks pimping these homes don’t legally have to inform you that the previous resident was murdered.

    • 10:11 pm

      Thank you very much Sedate Me,

      I wish I’d had an opportunity to review your tips and considerations prior to the publication of the brochure. I would have liked to include them all.

      I think visiting the kitchen is especially important. In addition to checking for rats and open sores, I’d also be looking to make sure that they have basic things like refrigeration. Working stoves, pots and pans and dishwashers are good signs too. If they’re cooking you’re Salisbury steak with a propane torch and then tossing it a plate they wiped clean with their undershirt, chances are it’s not going to sit too well. I’d also want to see staff who are wearing pants and aren’t actively smoking while they beat my pancake batter.

      On the medication front I’m also in full agreement. A fine point. Playing the medication lottery might be fun once in a while at a seniors social but it’s not something you want to engage in on daily basis. The nitro/stool softener mix-up in particular can have explosive repercussions.

      As for the cameras – I have to admit I hadn’t considered that one at all. It’s a damned chilling notion and to be honest I’m not sure which of the two scenarios you describe is worse.

      Again, many thanks, Sedate Me. Next time around, I may just need to solicit your ideas in advance.

      All the best, lad.


  21. 4:21 pm

    Oh geez! With a father that has Alzheimer’s and a mother-in-law who has all her faculties but keeps passing out at home, we are dealing with two people in nursing home care.

    With Dad, I finally had to move him after he’d been attacked by other residents three times in a year..and they had the nerve to be surprised when I did it. His new “home” has more people his age, and is a much better fit. The other one had a mix of elderly and young psychiatric patients. Not good.

    Mother in law hates the assisted living and constantly talks about going home. Except at home she doesn’t eat or drink enough and she keeps passing out. I told her one of these days she will be at the top of the stairs when it happens and then it’s good night Irene. She comes back with “I want to go home”. Sigh…

    Anyway, a healthy sense of humor is the only thing that keeps me (mostly) sane.

    • 10:19 pm

      Thank you awesomesauciness,

      I’m glad to hear that you had your father moved. I have no idea what kind of place thinks that mixing elderly folks with young people suffering from mental health issues is a good fit but I’d sure as hell want nothing to do with them.

      All the best and good luck – it sounds like a very very challenging time for all involved.

      Warm regards,


  22. 4:28 pm

    Loved it!

  23. 8:56 pm

    I volunteered in a nursing home when I was younger. I didn’t care for the way the nursing home administration treated the seniors.

    I rather be one of those seniors who lives alone in a modest apartment whose body is found a few weeks after my death.

    • 11:55 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      A very sensible plan. I plan to plan to die in my armchair. And to be buried in it as well.

      All the best, lad, and thanks for visiting.


  24. 9:19 pm

    You’re a scream 🙂

  25. 1:35 am

    Very few things make me laugh out loud anymore. I thought I heard all the great comedians already, but here I am sitting at a computer laughing out loud and I literally can’t wait for your next posts. Keep em coming – and steer clear of assisted living!

    • 11:58 pm

      Thank you Dor,

      I appreciate the kind words. And don’t worry, I’m steering well clear of any move to assisted living. As long as I can open a can of tuna, put a kettle on to boil and open my bottle my rye I’m not going anywhere.

      All the best,


      • Sedate Me permalink
        4:18 pm

        When you’re boiling your rye, drinking your can of tuna and making kettle sandwiches, you know it’s probably time to pack it in.

        • 1:48 am

          As long as making the occasional rye sandwich isn’t the tipping point, I should be fine.

  26. Friar permalink
    4:26 am

    Good tips, Don. But I hope never have to use them.

    It would be a shame to live all those years, only to be put into a home, without ever getting the chance to yell at the kids to stay off of my God-damned lawn.

    That’s one thing I’m looking forward to.

    • 12:02 am

      Thank you Friar,

      It’s true. There are many benefits to retirement and advanced age – yelling at the damned kids, writing angry letters to everyone and their brother, fighting with your neighbors. No one should have to give up those small pleasures (or god forbid miss them entirely) and be shunted into some senior prison.

      Good to hear from you, Friar. All the best to your old mom.


  27. 5:46 am

    it’s important to do a lot of research, don. for example, if you notice that there are suddenly a lot of beds available at the nursing home when a particular nurse’s aide (especially if s/he likes to be called angel) is on duty, it’s probably best to avoid that facility.

    • 12:05 am

      Thank you Nonnie.

      A very sensible tip. I also advise against selecting facilities that have events like “Kevorkian Fridays”. Not as much fun as it sounds.

      Very nice to hear from you Nonnie. I hope you’re well.


  28. 4:15 pm

    This cracks me up! My 80-year-old parents would even enjoy it! I am going to email it to them.
    I love that you set it up as a brochure~(somehow I left a comment on the brochure page)
    BTW – My husband is a super fan and shares your posts at work! I think you have gotten a few more subscribers through him..
    Happy Thanksgiving!

    • 12:09 am

      Thank you Susie,

      I’m glad to hear that your parents might enjoy the flyer and appreciate your sending it on to them. Please pass on my best regards when you do.

      And tell your husband I’m grateful for his help in spreading the word.

      Happy thanksgiving to you as well

      Best regards,


  29. 9:16 pm

    Let the journey begin!

  30. 12:45 am

    Very very funny, but sadly on occasions, true. Security is a major problem for the elderly along with safety and there will always be people ready to take advantage of it.

    Good to see you are one of them, because this made me laugh out loud!


    • 1:55 am

      Thank you Jason,

      Very nice of you to stop by. I’ll be sure to look into one of those security door chains. My current security system is limited to an obese weiner dog, a dead bolt, an old baseball bat and a rough sketch of a moat that I’ve never found time to dig.

      Best regards,


  31. 9:33 pm

    Another brilliant piece, Don. Thanks for giving me and my family something to talk about over Turkey Day Dinner. It’s always a challenge!

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    • 2:04 am

      Thank you Elyse,

      I gave up trying to have dinner conversation with family years ago. If we must to eat together during the holidays, I usually just take a plate and a book out to the shed and stay there until they leave.

      Happy Thanksgiving and all the best,


  32. 8:26 pm

    Damn, I’m about a week away from needing this type of living arrangement.

    • 4:11 pm

      Thank you Mr. Jones,

      Sorry to that. Remember to choose carefully and read the find print. One last tip…if the assisted living facility’s literature uses the words assisted or living in quotation marks (e.g. welcome to “assisted” living or thanks for selecting assisted “living”) you’ll want to strike them from your list of potential sites.

      All the best,


  33. 6:05 pm

    I am still impressed.

    You never quite got around to my question Don… what area of life was fortunate enough to be serviced by your extraordinary mind during your working life?

    Best wishes

    • 4:39 pm

      Thank you exuvia,

      Sorry if I neglected to answer an earlier question. My wife used to ask me that all the time too ( she left out the extraordinary mind part though and generally just phrased it as “what the hell do you do all day anyway?”)

      Come to think of it, I’m not sure I ever gave her a satisfactory response either.

      I had a few different jobs throughout my working life (despite the fact that I don’t generally approve of people flitting between occupations). I’m not sure I’d identify myself with any one in particular but I spent a lot of time working with different levels of government.

      That would probably explain why its taken me 100 words to say virtually nothing.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,


  34. 6:08 pm

    “Kevorkian Fridays”.hahaha…

  35. flashmaggie permalink
    7:15 pm

    Have given instructions that this sort of thing is not an option. If there’s no other alternative, my family may dispose of me by some (preferably painless) illegal means, such as spiking a delicious meal with a fatal overdose of something. I’ll write a legal waiver, just in case they’re caught.

    • 4:46 pm

      Thank you flashmaggie,

      Just be careful to make sure you’re in control. If my family got wind that I might be open to some such idea I’d be inundated with casseroles before you could say “where do you keep your will.”

      Best regards,


  36. Anonymous permalink
    2:07 am

    Hilarious! Abandoned bodies indeed!

    • 4:48 pm

      Many thanks, Anonymous.

      You want to watch out for signs of poor management and having bodies lying around is generally a bad sign. (It’s also not great for morale).

      All the best,


  37. 11:55 am

    I think I’m with FlashMaggie, I just haven’t written it down yet and left it in the sealed envelope with my lawyer, or whatever you do with that sort of instruction.

    • 4:50 pm

      Thank you Team Oyeniyi,

      I see the value but as I said to FlashMaggie there is some risk. You certainly don’t want to give family members too much of a “heads up” on this kind of idea. They may be more open to the notion than you’d care to know.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting.


  38. 7:01 pm

    Hello Sir,

    Your posts never fail to make me smile!
    Have you considered making a book out of your posts? Seriously now, I think it would be a best seller.

    Please continue to make me chuckle!
    Betty Marshall

    • 11:24 pm

      Thank you Betty,

      Sorry for the delay in responding. I’ve been taking some time away from minding the blog lately and have gotten rather slow at responding to comments.

      I appreciate the kind words. I’m not sure what the future might hold – at the moment I’m still backlogged on my Mr. Pierced Potato Head orders.

      All the best,


  39. 9:30 pm

    Ha! “Actual human contact unlikely to occur,” indeed…

    Kind of makes the word “Assisted” seem redundant, doesn’t it? Then again, since the word “Living” is definitely redundant, it’s not like those extra syllables are going to matter.

    Besides, it sounds much better than “Temporary Vestibule”.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      3:38 pm

      I don’t think “living” is redundant. I think of it as very subjective.

    • 11:19 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled,

      Always a pleasure to hear from you. I trust all is well.

      You raise a good point around the name “assisted living.” I consider it more of a misnomer than anything else but I suppose the other options: “human scrapheap” “senior prison” or “that place where they stash the old folks” didn’t test well in the marketing material.

      All the best,


  40. 8:34 pm

    Unfortunately, WordPress restricts me to just a ‘LIKE’ button – I think they should add in a ‘LOVE’ button (as well as a ‘THIS IS CRAP’ button)…

    In any case, your blog is about the only one that’s had me in stitches so far – not surgical ones, I hasten to add… I’m not as old as you, Don! (Cheeky youngsters!)… and I’m always compelled to share your stuff on Facebook (normally for young people, although I notice you’ve managed to work out how to get on there yourself, old timer).

    I’m really surprised at your age you can actually use a computer… So ‘well done you’ and keep up the good work, old fart! 😉

    • 11:31 pm

      Thank you Alannah,

      I appreciate the kind words. Very nice to hear from you.

      I’m always interested when people are suprised that a senior can figure out how to use a damned computer. I don’t understand any of the technical nonsense behind it but it’s not particularly challenging to operate. Push a putton, aim a mouse and type.

      In fact, for me, the biggest problem I have with computers is reconciling myself to the fact that they’re little more than $800 typewriters that you need to replace every 12 months once they become obsolete or burst into flames.

      In any case, thanks again for taking the time to stop in.

      Warm regards,


  41. 12:58 pm

    If I had any clue how to execute a trackback I’d do it. As it is, I don’t. So, please take a moment to read why you are so damned awesome, Don.

    There’s an award involved.

    • 11:33 pm

      Thank you awesomesauciness,

      “Execute a trackback”? I hope it’s not as sinister as it sounds.

      Thanks very much for the award and the very kind words. I truly appreciate it.

      All the best,


  42. 12:35 pm

    Hi Mr. Mills,
    I’m a huge fan of your work here on Crabby Old Fart. I, unlike you, am burdened with a lack of creativity, so I have posted this graphic to my own blog, with full accreditation of course. I hope that’s okay. If not, I’ll remove it….
    All the best,

  43. Anonymous permalink
    4:12 am

    You can always go back to

  44. 5:47 pm


    Sorry that it has taken me so long to send you a comment about this post. I knew it was funny but, every time I got to the end, I forgot what it was about. Thanks to the help of a few friends and some changes in my medication, I was able to get through the whole post and get a bunch of chuckles.

    I think that the only way I could be lured into one of these places is by your response to Twisted Scottish Bastard for an Assisted Living Pub. Getting nailed by an errant dart (or vindictive staff member) is a lot easier to take when you’ve got a single malt scotch in your hand.

    Yours in crabbiness,

  45. 2:09 pm

    …Still laughing my ass off on a regular basis reading your stuff. Keep it up, Don!….Waitaminnit….sorry… should never say that to an old guy…….

  46. 1:36 pm

    The reason there are parody articles like this is because there is a lot of truth in a joke. We think it’s sad to see seniors taken advantage of. At Angelus Village we know moving isn’t easy, but we’ll assist you. Green Bay’s premier assisted living residence takes pride in providing the highest level of care. And yes, we do have running water and electricity. 🙂

  47. 5:57 pm

    Are we allowed to mention the name of a “Hell Hotel” they called convalescence? I was at one at age 50 only for recouperation of broken pelvis. I was not dropped but shoved down into an armed chair which tore out the screws on one side of an exterior fixator (steel cast?) screwed into the pelvis. M pelvis was rebroken by being picked up with a Hoyer lift. I was starved. They ran out of pain meds several times. Pain meds were never given close to the right time. Open windows, because of broken down air conditioning through the summer months, allowed flies to congregate all over the “weekly” changed bloody or dirty sheets. A simple dislocated finger was never attended to, left wrapped up so long, it became locked in the dislocated position, stealing my ability to making a living playing guitar. I was left with a paralyzed leg from a torn nerve from the Hoya lift. Then they wouldn’t let me leave! I had to con another doctor into signing a release. They wouldn’t even call me an ambulance to take me to another hospital – I had to do that myself.

    After the torture & indignities, lawyers in Memphis dropped the ball & the case was dismissed because I had no lawyer to handle it. That was a slap in the face as bad as being crippled, but not quite as bad as losing a musical career because of the loss of finger/hand use.

    It’s been 12 years since the assault on my body & the assault by the attorneys. I still have nightmares. Can’t play guitar, work, walk, or ride my skateboards and have a lasting fear of ever being in another “medical” facility/old folks home. But your humor on it was much needed.

  48. 8:01 am

    I’m a young person and my grandpa is in an assisted living home. Let’s just say I hope I get shot at like 45 or something. #selfish #21st century #your welcome

  49. 2:13 pm

    How enjoyable it is to read yr blog!Thank you!


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