All I Want for Christmas is an Easy Bake Meth Lab!
Until recently I had been blissfully unaware of the fact that Mattel had released a Barbie doll that comes replete with tattoos.
Assuming that we have now finally and firmly driven a stake through the heart of common decency, and given that the holiday season is upon us, the old folks at Donco are pleased to pick up where Mattel left off and introduce our new and updated line of classic children’s toys.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder G.I. Joe
Now with scars that you can’t see!
The hotly anticipated P.T.S.D. G.I. Joe will get a hero’s welcome when your young son finds him waiting under the Christmas tree this year.
This all plastic, combat-seasoned G.I. Joe comes complete with a kung fu grip, debilitating flashbacks, repetitive night terrors and a replica Bowie knife.
Your children will have hours of fun and learn valuable problem-solving skills as they help a real American hero reintegrate into civilian life and navigate an indifferent health care system in search of treatment for his substance abuse, occupational instability and generalized anxiety.
Monopoly (Occupy Version)
Forget building houses, amassing wealth and constructing hotels – in this special edition version of the classic board game you simply plonk your token down on Boardwalk, wave a placard and then wait patiently for someone to change the rules of the game.
A popular time-waster that is 99% guaranteed to provide months of non-stop, polarizing entertainment.
Mr. Heavily Pierced-Potato Head
Adorn this spud with studs!
In addition to the standard eyes and ears, this lovable classic comes complete with a wide assortment of hoops, bolts, flesh tunnels, barbells and plugs. Create countless variations and endless atrocities as you adorn your favourite starchy tuber with genital piercings, nose studs and good old fashioned nipple rings.
(Coming soon; Mrs. Pot Head and the always amusing Mr. Couch Potato Head)
Easy Bake Meth Lab
Say goodbye to cookies and cakes. The cool girls know that the real money is in home-based drug production.
Ephedrine and light bulb not included.
View Master 3-D (Now with Porn)
It’s a peepshow for the pre-pubescent.
An entry level depravity for young people who aren’t quite ready to have their google security settings changed to “deviant,” the View Master 3-D is guaranteed to desensitize even the most naive sprog in your household.
Using brightly colored stereograms, the View Master provides a guided introduction to the world of mainstream pornography through of the adventures of sexually curious cartoon chipmunks Jose and Charlene.
Nicotine Patch Kids
It’s never too early to teach youngsters how to kick the addictions they’re bound to pick up once high school rolls around and these novelty dolls are the perfect gateway to adulthood.
Made of coarse yellow burlap, these interactive play things gain weight, grow irritable and cough up phlegm when patted gently on the back. Each comes complete with a 6 month supply of decreasing dosage intradermal nicotine patches, carrot sticks and one menthol cigarette in a sealed glass case to assist with an inevitable relapse.
Also in this line: “Jack-Daniels-in-the-Box” and “Bennie Babies.”
Hoarder Ken Doll
The perfect companion to tramp stamp Barbie, this Ken is a modern man with a decent job, a dirty secret and OCD.
Now living in the dilapidated Camper Van, Hoarder Ken comes complete with 600 pounds of old newspaper, countless boxes of active swim wear, a wide range of animal feces and enough inner shame to keep your young ones enthralled and appalled for weeks at a time.
Coming next from Donco: “Haggardy Ann” (the gin-swilling housewife), “The Real Game of Life” and “Barrel of Monkeys on my Back.”