Pen Pals for Senior Citizens
Everyone knows that senior citizens tend to be more socially isolated than other members of society. For the average old person, a lack of meaningful human interaction is a serious concern. Fortunately, opportunities to make new friends are as nearby as your desktop computer. Chances are if you have an email address, you have access to all kinds of potential pen pals who are very attentive to the needs of vulnerable seniors.
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Dear Friend Don Mills,
I am a woman of 82 years living with cancer and would like to do some charitable things for the needy before I pass away. I have lived a selfish life style which has left me with a guilt ridden conscience as I believe I didn’t play my part in helping humanity.
I have made up my mind to donate $15,000,000 to help the motherless, drug addicted and other less privileged persons. I implore you to please undertake this task for me as I am now too ill to manage it myself.
Should you agree, I will inform my legal adviser so that he can arrange the release of the funds to you. Naturally, I will see to it that you are handsomely rewarded based on an agreed percentage.
NB: I will appreciate your utmost secrecy in this matter until the task is carried out as I have a very cunning step son who would squander the money on gambling and womanizing.
Mrs Wendy Wright.
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My Dear Mrs. Wright,
I was deeply touched by your email and would be delighted to manage your estate. I too have lived a selfish lifestyle but, unlike you, don’t have a twinge of remorse. In fact, I feel pretty damned good about it.
My only request would be that you consider using a small portion of your estate toward the creation of an orthopaedic hospital for dachshunds with spinal injuries. As you can see from the attached photo, this is an issue both near and dear to my heart.
All the best,
Don Mills
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Dear Friend and Brother Don Mills,
Thanks you for your response. I am in agreement with your suggestion and will allow for 15% of my estate to be used to assist suffering dachshunds. I am a great lover of animals.
I have started preliminary discussions with my lawyer and will need some personal information from you to enable me to issue out a Power Of Attorney to my lawyer. Once that is done she will contact you swiftly.
What I require from you are;
1:A scanned copy of your international passport or driver’s license
2: Your home address
3:Your home phone numbers
Please send as soon as possible. I fear the end is near.
Await your reply.
Mrs. Wright
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Dear Mrs. Wright,
Pleased find attached a photographic scan of my passport. If you would be so kind as to return the favour and send me some snapshots of you in a bathing costume, I’d be eternally grateful.
Best regards,
Donald A. Mills
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Dear Brother Donald A. Mills,
Thank you for your latest email. However, the page I requested from your passport is the picture page. Please resend. As soon as it, I will have my lawyer to contact you.
I will await your swift response.
Your Sister,
Wendy.
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My Dearest Wendy,
My sincere apologies. Here is a photo per your request. It’s about 60 years old but if you draw some wrinkles on with a number 2 pencil it should turn out to be a nice likeness.
Your friend,
Donald A. Mills
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Dear Brother Donald,
I meant the inside of the passport with your information and the picture. Would it be easier for you send your driver’s licence instead? Time is of the essence.
Your Sister,
Wendy.
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Dear Wendy,
Regrettably, I seem to have misplaced my driver’s licence. And my car as well. However, I have attached my Buck Rogers Space Rangers membership card. I believe it is still valid and recognized by most levels of government.
Yours,
Don Mills
p.s. Can I assume by your silence on the matter that those swimwear photos of you will not be forthcoming?
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Dear Donald Mills,
Why don’t you just email your phone number and address immediately so that we may contact you to make further arrangements. Please do so TODAY.
God bless you,
Mrs. Wright.
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Dear Mrs. Wright,
Sorry, I missed that. What was it you want me to send? Here’s a photographic scan of my passport. Will that be of assistance?
Fond regards,
Don
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Dear Donald Mills,
Please email me your phone number and address immediately so that we may contact you to make further arrangements. Speed is of the essence.
God bless you,
Mrs. Wright.
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Dear Wendy,
Good news. I was able to locate my driver’s licence. It was in the vegetable crisper of the fridge right next to an old business card and some rather sketchy looking celery. Attached is a photo.
All the best,
Don
p.s. Is it possible to follow you on Twitter?
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Dear Don Mills,
Please stop sending photos!! I am nearing the end. PLEASE Email me your phone number and address immediately so that we may contact you to make further arrangements. Please act fast! I must have the information today or will need to look elsewhere for help.
God bless you,
Mrs. Wright.
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Dear Mrs. Wright.
You’ll have to excuse me if I’m getting a bit flustered. Per your request, I am attaching a photo of my telephone. I will sit next to it in anticipation of your call. I could also send a photo of my house if that would be helpful.
Best Regards,
Don
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Dear Don Mills,
Please send your PHONE NUMBER and MAILING ADDRESS. NO more photos!!!
Mrs. Wright.
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My Dearest Wendy,
My sincere apologies for the ongoing confusion. Your patience in this matter is deeply appreciated.
I’d be delighted to send my phone number but, much to my embarrassment, must confess that my phone service has recently lapsed. Regrettably some rather foolish investments and reckless home shopping network purchases (I now have 6 George Forman grills and enough Joan Rivers jewellery to outfit a small army of French prostitutes) have left me in rather dire financial straits. See attached photo.
My financial situation is sadly grim, Wendy. I have no savings, no income and no meat with which to grill. I realize we are little more than strangers, Wendy, but I feel you are a kindred spirit and wonder if you might consider marriage? I’m told I’m not unattractive and am reasonably tolerant of women. I must warn you, however, that this marriage would be one of companionship only. I’m beyond the age of sexual hijinks and have no interest in anything that might be unseemly, sordid or result in a displaced hip.
I would, however, be open to having you cook and clean for me.
I look forward to your favourable reply and freedom from the filth and squalor in which I currently reside.
Your brother and future husband,
Don
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Wendy?
Are you there?
Here’s a photographic scan of my passport. I trust that will help.
Best regards,
Don
The Problem with Young People Today Is... 
Lol you are funny.. poor wendy!
Thank you holygypsy,
Don’t feel too sorry for Wendy. Despite her poor health and rascally step son she still continues to write me and demonstrates amazing persistence. I had another letter from her today in fact. Apparently the end is near and I must act fast in order to bring our plan to fruition. I plan to send her a photo of my 1962 library card – hopefully that will help.
All the best.
Don
No sexual hijinks????
Fogetaboutit.
That was hilarious Mr. Don.
You still got it baby!!
You and Steven Tyler, you just don’t get old do you. Lord ya gotta love a man like that….
Thank you gmomj,
I needed to be clear about the sexual hijinks. I understand the internet is rife with all manner of sexual predators and I wouldn’t want Wendy to think my intentions were less than honorable.
Best regards,
Don
Indeed, senior citizen correspondence is vital for our psychological well being. I think Wendy is a wondrous correspondent, although she does seem to get flustered at times. I suspect there are many lonely folks out there. Even today I received a missive from a foreign lass desiring my assistance in getting her not insignificant funds out of some kingdom somewhere. I figure the least I could do is rush to her assistance. Aha — a new penpal.
Many thanks Jerry,
I’m sure you’ll find your new friend is anxious to hear from you and – unlike damned family members – will write you daily once you get to chatting.
Enjoy your correspondence and remember, pen pals love photos.
All the best,
Don
That was beautiful! May I please route all the telemarketer calls I receive to your house?
Thank you bigsheepcommunications,
Please feel free. I love chatting on the phone almost as much as I love exchanging letters. Just warn them not to ring during the Wheel of Fortune or while I’m having my nap.
Best regards,
Don
I would love a pen pal since I live in a rather isolated area and the few people around here tend to avoid me. I am so lonely I recently purchased a toll free number for people who would like to chat. It’s 1-800-EAT-CRAP.
All the best!
Thank you yellowcat.
Odd but I was under the impression that was the customer service line number for the damned telephone company. My mistake.
All the best to you as well!
Don
Don;
What? No i-Phone? Just a black rotary model?
Concerned;
Friar.
Thank you Friar,
Giving up the candlestick phone was my nod to progress. Plus, the rotary is damned near indestructible and provides much needed finger exercises.
All the best, lad.
Don
Sir, I believe I have the exact same phone. Excellent sound quality, great ringer and incredibly durable.
I have one push-button phone, but I refuse to go any farther than that.
A sound plan. I still maintain that a proper phone should weigh 10 pounds. It gives it substance – and shows that someone put some work into building the damned thing.
That was hilarious! Mr Mills, you have truly surpassed yourself…
Thank you kindly Pie.
Always nice to hear from you. Many thanks for stopping in.
Best regards,
Don
OMG that was so funny. We had an experience but of the Nigerian type who was kind enough to supply his phone number. After a few Chardies we thought “what the heck” so gave them a call. A male voice answered the phone with the deepest HELLO you have ever heard. I couldn’t talk for laughing so just had to hang up. I just couldn’t persist as you did Don. You are a classic if there ever was one. Good on ya !
Thank you Fairy Face,
I actually asked Wendy for her telephone number in one of my emails (I had to leave a number of our exchanges out of this post) but she wasn’t forthcoming. I suppose it may be due to the fact that her claim to be 82 was more than a little suspect. She told me that she had graduated from a rather prestigious private school sometime in the 1940s but when I looked it up, I found the school wasn’t founded until the 1970s.
Clearly, I have far too much time on my hands.
All the best,
Don
Oh Don! You have inspired me. I shall be following in your footsteps. This is brilliant! [love your blog!]
Thank you very much Linda,
I appreciate the kind words and thank you for stopping in to visit.
Warm regards,
Don
And people say the art of correspondence is dead. I say they are not writing to the correct people.
Regarding your Nigerian ID, I appreciate your not flaunting your nobility. You are very much a man of the people.
Thank you Bmj2k,
I do try to downplay my connection to Nigerian nobility. Some people find it intimidating. Fortunately for me, Wendy didn’t even seem to notice.
All the best,
Don
Now how is poor Wendy going to steal your identity if you keep stringing her along like that? Geez, Don! You break all stereotypes of senior citizens, sharp as a tack and canny as you are!
Funny funny post!
Thank you healingmagichands,
Odd that anyone would be interested in stealing my personal information. If you’re going to go to the trouble of assuming someone else’s identity you think you’d pick someone that has a few dollars in the bank and still has their own teeth.
Wonderful to hear from you. I trust you’re keeping well.
Best regards,
Don
Brilliant, good sir!
Many thanks Seasweetie.
Best,
Don
I’m sorry you’ve temporarily lost contact with your pen pal. But, hey, at least she committed to helping the Dachshunds.
Another great offering, Mr. Mills.
Thank you Momfog,
I hope she comes through with that cheque soon – I’m looking forward to the ribbon cutting ceremony at the new Mill-Wright Wing of the Pleasantville Animal Hospital.
Best regards,
Don
You, dear Sir, have just made my day!! 🙂
Thank you Yasmin,
That’s very kind of you to say.
All the best,
Don
This is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read! How in the hell do you come up with such hilarious stuff? Must admit I envy you!
Thank you Scott,
I was actually just surprised that Mrs. Wright continued to write me back. It seemed no matter what I did or said she was just hell bent on getting to know me better.
Many thanks for the comment and all the best,
Don
don,
if a letter of recommendation will help, i’d be glad to write to wendy. no problem with identification; i have a subway sandwich shop sub club customer appreciation card. however, if i get one more stamp, i’ll have to turn it in for a free sandwich, so tell wendy to reply as soon as possible.
Many thanks Nonnie,
I’ll be sure to send you Wendy’s email address. I know she’d be delighted to hear from you. And don’t worry about her replying quickly – for a very elderly and terminally-ill woman she is remarkably good about getting back to you right away. Usually within minutes.
All the best,
Don
p.s. you’ve just reminded me that I need to send her a copy of my CVS Customer Loyalty Card and National Railway Historical Society Card (now revoked due to issues I’d rather not discuss). She seems to like to have as much background information as possible about her friends. Sensible woman.
Dear Mr. Mills,
thank you for your application for an Anercian Express card with a credit limit of $250,000.
I am pleased to tell you that your application has been approved, and the card sent, as per your instructions to Mrs. W. Wright in Orlando Florida C/O Mr. M.Mouse.
I must add on a personal note, that yours is the first application I have seen in many years supported by a Buck Rodgers Space Ranger ID card. Not many citizens realise that under the Civil Defence Act (1951) such proof of identity is legal and acceptable.
Have many years of happy consumer spending, and may I also wish you “Spaceman’s Luck”.
Yours sincerely
Adolf. H Schickelgruber
Vice President
Last-Ditch Expansion Division
Anerican Express
Many thanks Mr. Schickelgruber,
I hate to point this out but as top executive I’m sure you’d appreciate knowing that you’ve misspelled “American” in both the body of your letter and beneath your signature. It’s a little thing but I’ve noticed that more and more businesses are getting sloppy in this regard.
In the past few months I’ve responded to update emails from representatives of “VISSA”, “Dine’rs Club” and “Mastercaard.” It’s no wonder our economy is in the toilet – no one takes the time to even proofread their emails. And to make matters worse, I haven’t seen a single credit card from any one of them.
All the best,
Don
Dear Don,
Thank you for your kind reply.
I should point out that my company Anerican Express is incorporated in Albania, and is in no way related to the fly-by-night organisation referred to in your reply.
Are you enjoying your purchases?
Our record show you have just bought:
A Cadillac Platinum Escalade
and
5 Diamond rings from Cartier
Well done.
Do you wish your credit limit increased? as I note with some little concern that you are within $1650 of your $250,000 limit.
Yours sincerely
Adolf. H Schickelgruber
Vice President
Last-Ditch Expansion Division (and Collection Services)
Anerican Express
Don, thank you for the laughs. I appreciate a good story and a good storyteller. Have a blessed Memorial Day.
Many thanks happygirl.
Always nice to have you stop in for a visit.
Warm regards,
Don
Don – enjoyed that a lot! You’ve probably heard about mail offers. Tear them in half, insert into the post-paid return anvelope, and mail. If everyone did this, think of the fun of inflicting millions of $ of expense on all of those companies.
Enjoy Memorial Day with honor.
Thank you uueagle,
An excellent idea. I’ll start doing that right away. Of course, I’ll likely be inclined to drop a quick note in there as well (with a few choice words written on it) but then again I have the luxury of time.
All the best and thanks for stopping by.
Don
I think you have given Wendy something to live for. She can’t stop writing at this point…then again you stopped hearing from her.
Thank you Bearman,
Actually I was quite surprised (and delighted) to recently hear from Wendy again. She’s a plucky old gal and picked up pretty much right were we left off. Goes to show that you can’t keep a good 82 year old down.
All the best Bearman.
Don
Oh my gosh! I laughed so hard reading this that I am forwarding it to my cantankerous 86 yr old father. It might give him some creative ideas! You’re a gem. Love your commentaries!
Thank you Lori,
I appreciate the kind words. Pass on my best regards to your dad.
All the best,
Don
Don, I bow to your incredible aptitude in dealing with this highly intelligent woman. What bothers me, though, is the thought of little children in Nigeria missing out on their prime rib dinners w/baked potato and fresh corn on the cob. So sad.
Thank you Jammer,
She’s a crafty one – there’s no doubt about that. For a while, I was thinking I had truly found my Mrs. Wright.
All the best,
Don
Don –
This is the funniest give-and-take since Abbott & Costello’s famous “Who’s on Enzyte?” sketch. It confirms what everyone already believes about the internet: that every “hawt” 18-year-old girl in the chatrooms is actually an 82-year-old woman on her deathbed.
It also confirms that all the good men are taken, gay or unable to properly photograph the inside page of their passports.
I can’t get enough of chatting with these inadvertent penpals. Every day my spam box fills up with willing partners in a dance of mutual deception. It’s a shame so many of them cut off communication after one “wrong” reply. If they’re truly in the scamming business, they should be willing to give 110%, just like the rest of us who are still out there earning our paychecks (or in retirement, resting on our biweekly/monthly laurels).
Great work, Don. Hopefully, your reputation for lively exchanges brings you a whole new set of inboxed delights.
Thank you Mr. Lion Tamer,
I’m not familiar with that Enzyte sketch from Bud and Lou. It must have been something they worked up before they hit it big.
I fully agree that these internet email launchers should put a little more effort into their exchanges. Most just stop writing back at the first mention of a grandson in law enforcement – and those that do never really try to mix it up. It seems like they put all of their energy into their opening missive and after that it’s just a steady request for name, rank and social security number. I mean, honestly, it wouldn’t have killed Wendy to humor and old man and send a few bathing costume snaps my way.
All the best, CLT. Always a pleasure to hear from you.
Don
Don,
I still can’t find my pants.
Best,
Bob Patterson
Thanks for the update Bob,
Keep me apprised of future developments. And check in the vegetable crisper – amazing the things that pop up in there.
Best regards,
Don
Oh, good grief! I actually laughed all the way through this. Thank you so much, it was brilliant. The moment that I nearly choked on my coffee though was when you admitted ‘I now have 6 George Forman grills’. I have long lived amusement for those things – the advert on which he said (with much enthusiasm) ‘I’m so proud of it I put my name on it!’ will stay with me forever.
Many thanks Eleanor,
I think George has some history of putting his name on things. Doesn’t he have about a half dozen sons named George as well?
Many thanks for visiting. Hope to hear from you again.
Best,
Don
Looks like I’m missing a lot of fun. Maybe I should downgrade my security settings . . .
By the way, I think Wendy is actually my third grade teacher.
Thank you Moe,
I’m pretty sure my security settings are set somewhere between “prude” and “damned suspicious” and I still get plenty of nice emails from friendly folks looking for companionship.
If Wendy is your third grade teacher please tell her I say hello. (You might also want to tell her to do her damned job – no offence, Moe, but you look a little old to still be in the 3rd grade).
All the best,
Don
I have been following your blog for a while now and I must admit that you have a unique style of writing…But this particular piece seems to be inspired from :
http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html
It was funny nevertheless. So, is the human brain singularly incapable of doing anything creative or coming up with anything original?
My hat’s off to you Don – you’re a better man than I am. When Wendy (or perhaps her equally determined sister) approached me via e-mail for my bank account routing numbers etc, it was for the paltry sum of $8.5 million. You clearly have a greater magnetism for the ladies than I do.
Then again a 19 year old lass from the Ivory Coast sent me a missive seeking my cooperation in getting $4.5 million out of the country. It seems that her parents were ruthlessly murdered by some unsavory ruffians. Another letter to the same effect arrived a few days later from another orphaned teenager. It appears wholesale mayhem against the families of wealthy teenaged girls is being perpetrated over there. What the hell is this world coming to?
I found myself in the case of the two young ladies telling them that its against my principles to assist rich damn young people. It would most likely get me thrown out of the Don Mills fan club.
Where did you find that picture of Robo-Daschund?
Hilarious post! I would love to know what was going through Dearest Wendy’s mind while the interaction took place.
Don,
Be thankful you were not punked by this guy: http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php
I suspect you would have sniffed him out just like you did “Wendy.” Your correspondence with her was knee-slapping hi-larious and entertaining. The reference to the George Foreman Grill was classic. Well done.
Jim
For me, the show stopper was the “photographic scan” of his passport.
Beautiful post Don. You are truly a blogging maestro. On occasion, I sell items on craigslist. Inevitably, scammers will reply. I have taken to providing the address for the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Dept (Attn Fraud Detail). I have yet to receive a follow-up e-mail. This has to be one of my FAVOURITE posts from you, Don. Just beautiful.
Oh Mr. Mills… if only you were real… I’d marry you!
Mr. Don,
The 1st National Bank of Nigeria card is priceless. I lost a quarter cup of coffee and a solid spoonful of porridge. You da man!
You know, I’d really love to have Wendy’s email address. I am all for helping society, and I have an Honorary Drivers license card from the Autopia ride at Disneyland that should be sufficient ID. I too find myself lonely and looking for some friends at times. (This is dead serious, by the way. And I will remember that she loves photos!)
This was HILARIOUS! You are a genius, Mr. Mills, and you have a great sense of humor.
And wow, Nigerian royalty? I’m honored to comment on your blog, *bows *
Dear Don
A slightly late response I fear, but my blood pressure is elevated and I’m kind of breathless. I reckon the sheer excitement of this kind of tomfoolery might just finish me off. But thanks for drawing the opportunities to my attention and do let me know how this correspondence works out.
As ever, Best Regards
Dr Tim
That was amazing! It reminded me of that spider email thing–have you seen it? It also made me think of the time I received an email from someone who was informing me that I had died, and wanted me to confirm so they could send me the money that had some how magically accumulated in my name in a country I had never been to. Of course, I immediately wrote back that I had, in fact, died, and to please send the money immediately! 🙂
Great stuff! I really, really enjoyed it!
Hahahahahah i almost fell from my hard rock wooden chair reading the hilarious emails of yours. The best part is the attached photo of your black old telephone. Hahhahaaah…i am laughing alone at this time 1.00 am.
Excellent! I too have taken it upon myself to reply to spam emails from time to time. I like to fight spam with spam – these people can be so stupid and get sucked in. Check out my site and click on the Spam Fighting category if you will. I hope you don’t mind me linking to it:
http://thislittlethingcalledlife.com/category/spam-fighting/
Keep up the good work – I think that your blog is the best one that I have seen.
That is, hands down, the BEST response to the scamming emails from Nigeria I’ve ever seen!!! I damn near snorted water through my nose laughing!
I have never laughed so hard and so loud reading through your posts! This is a classic!
This was truly amazing.. I enjoyed every bit of it. Thanks for sharing.
Goodness!!!! I am a teenager from nigeria and this is both hilarious and embarassing. I love your posts and truth be told, we youths need to sit up. A lot of things that are supposedly “in” are silly and disturbing. Ofcourse, as a youth, i have engaged in a few stupidities but all in all, we really need to examine ourselves. Your blog is the best so far. Thumbs up grandpa!!!
I love having pen pals
Sir,
Must say you are too good. I loved your writing.
Just have one question- is the whole story true?
Take care.
Regards.
What a crock Don–You must think we get dumber with age, but some of us really care about other people our age.– You have made me lose my faith in finding a palpal my age to talk to .
Wise Jersey lady
Wister
To Wise Jersey lady: If you’ll be so kind as to forward your email address, driver’s license and passport photos, I’ll be happy to be your penpal.
Please Gwant a penpal who will be best friend.
it is hurting
Dear Don,
I bought a telephone just like yours but I’m having trouble with it. It hasn’t rung for more than 30 years. I wold like to find out if it will make outgoing calls, though. May I have your phone number? by the way, in addition to the wonderful heft of it I love the way it does that clicky thing when I dial.
Dear Don,
I sympathize with your plight. Wendy isn’t the only woman out there that will lead a man on via e-mail, only to drop him as soon as she hears that he can’t so much as afford a phone line. The same thing happened to me with my adorable Marina. I’ll never forget how she started out that first e-mail:
“Greetings my intriguing man!!!
you like my pic? I very much want to see yours!!! I know that you’re probably surprised to get my message. I’m looking just for a good man!”
How could I resist but to pour my heart out to her in the flurry of e-mails that we began to exchange. I really thought I could be that good man for her. I should have known by her third e-mail that something was wrong. When she told me her difficulties in travelling an hour by bus towards Moscow just to be able to e-mail me from an internet cafe, I sympathized with her telling her how I also had to take a bus across town to use the internet for free at the public library. Yet even though I tell her I need to take the bus, she still asks if I could pick her up from the airport in my car if she ever makes it to the U.S. I was blinded by my feelings for her, and gave her the benefit of the doubt that she just had a lapse of memory.
Eventually she too stopped responding to my e-mails, letting out love die. If only she could have seen past my circumstances to see the truly good man that I am.
All the best and know you are not alone,
Heartbroken by a Russian Maiden
That was hilarious! I haven’t had a good laugh in a long time! Glad I chanced upon your blog 🙂
Absolute perfection 🙂 thank you for the laughs!
Mr Mills!
Too Bad you’re old and tired….you’d make an excellent cop.
The last sweet and generous lady contacting me had an ISPN that could be traced to a refugee camp in Nigeria. Strange for a Bostonian Heiress. I sent her a photo of a man doing a life sentence for murder and she replied that I was beautiful.
God what a laugh you gave me…thank you thank you…yes I could even imagine marrying you myself….especially as we share a love of Dachshunds…xxxxx
Got entertained with the various comments n the different personalities exposed.Very interesting, really.. Just sad nothing of the ” and they lived happily n harmoniously till the termination of their ageing years.’.
.
Am a Ghanaian, stays in the upper west region which shares boundaries with Burkina Faso and Cote ‘d Vore. i hadly find difficult to pay my school fees not even feeding myself and family. Able combine education to that of had labour eg. visiting Galamsay, i been able to acquired HND Agricultural Engineering. However, am jobless. But the skills and knowledge i have put up a subsistant farm which am managing taking of my extended and myself. Nevertherless, i need God fearing person who can assist me develop my farm into commecial farm