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Emails From Damned Young People

A while back I added a “Send a Message to Don” page to this blog.

Not surprisingly, I’ve received considerable praise from damned young people around the globe. And naturally, I endeavor to answer all emails in a friendly and helpful manner.

A sample of some correspondence I’ve exchanged this month:

“Pretty sure your little website is the dumbest thing I have ever come across. Young people are too “tall”. Honestly, that’s the best you could come up with. They are too TALL!” – Kate

Thank you very much for your email, Kate.

I assume from your note that you are a young person who suffers from some form of extremely disturbing gigantism. My insensitivity must have been quite hurtful.

I’m sorry if I touched on a woefully disproportionate nerve and hope that my gross generalizations did not cause you to lace up your size 600 sneakers and stomp through town like some adolescent Godzilla on a hormone-induced rampage. I’d hate to feel that I was responsible for you snapping the spire off a church tower and using it to skewer groups of innocent seniors out for an afternoon stroll.

I’m honoured to have authored the dumbest site you’ve ever come across – I don’t spend a great deal of time on the internet but I suspect I had some stiff competition.  Between LOL cats, Sailor Moon fetish sites and chat rooms dedicated to worshipping all things Jonas, I wouldn’t have dreamed of even getting into the top 10. 

Good luck with your pituitary glands and thank you for writing.

Don

“I live in Great Britain and have never been more insulted. Was it teenagers who started the banking crisis,global warming, and the decimation of valuable flora and fauna around the world? No! WE will be the ones drowning in arctic meltwater, and weeping over the polar bear carcusses as consequences of the mistakes YOUR generation has made. I would also defend the book “little Brother” by Cory Doctorow to prove my point!” – Fresh

Thanks for the note, lad.

I have to say I’m surprised you’ve never been more insulted. Given your nation of origin I would have thought getting insulted would be a daily occurrence. After all, beyond mushy peas, bowler hats and providing fodder for dental humor – you Brits haven’t contributed a hell of a lot to society in the past 100 years or so. Regardless, I regret if you took offence.

I’m sorry too if my generation left a small mess. We meant to clean up afterward but got busy eating giant sea turtles, drinking condor blood and watching Matlock marathons on TBS and completely lost track of the time.

Now I can understand your concern, son, but personally I wouldn’t recommend weeping over a polar bear carcass (especially one that’s wafted across the ocean for 6 weeks and then washed up on the shores of a beach in Brighton – it’s likely pretty ripe). After all, it’s not like they’d be inclined to return the favor. A polar bear might snack on your carcass but I seriously doubt it would shed any tears. From what I recall, polar bears lack empathy. They also dislike Cory Doctorow novels so that’s two strikes against them right there.

Keep in mind too that polar bears often hunt while swimming so I’m assuming that the additional arctic “meltwater” might be to their liking. If you do find yourself drowning, take my advice and exercise caution. It’s often hard for polar bears to distinguish between a drowning young person and a bearded seal.

Again, sorry for the mess. There’s a mop and a hazmat suit in the hall closet – knock yourself out.

Trust that helps and thanks for writing.

Don

“u need to sit ur old but down and stay in house and think about the past because we are i tha present son not the past the present so stop acting like u got something stuck in your but – John”

Jesus, son, you jump around faster than H.G. Well’s Time machine.

But I do appreciate your confirming that we’re in the “present.” I was growing suspicious that we were in the future and was concerned that in the past (formerly known as the present since we’re now in the future) I’d left my stove on. But then again, if I had burned down my house in the past (nee present), it wouldn’t very well still be standing in the future would it? Logic triumphs again.

Now, I’ve taken your comments about my ass quite seriously and just this morning set out to determine what if anything might be stuck there. Unfortunately, I’m not as limber as I used to be and by the time I had unzipped my trousers, lowered my underpants and located my spectacles I was exhausted and fell asleep in my arm chair. You can imagine my embarrassment when my neighbor found me in that most undignified position later in the afternoon.

Despite my embarrassment I continued to plod on. It took the better part of a day but mystery solved!

Turns out that the pain in my ass was just you.

Trust that helps and thanks for writing.

Don

114 Comments leave one →
  1. Linda permalink
    12:12 am

    Oh dear, you crack me up. I can’t wait for monday mornings to get your lastest work. Mondays are now a great start to the week.

    • York Mills permalink
      9:54 pm

      Hee hee!

      He cracks me up too, Linda. And sometimes he beats me (just kidding – maybe. Hee hee!) .

      Anyhoo, Don has gone off to take care of our brother, Elgin, who has gotten himself into a spot of trouble in Saudi Arabia. It would seem he is due for a lashing because of his love of yelling at strangers and public intoxication.

      Sorry to spill all the family secrets, Don.

      Whoopee!

  2. 12:33 am

    You’d be a perfect fit for a complaint dept employee. Or a literary agent. In fact, I think the least you could do is a mock post on what you think of certain books … such as Little Brother for starters.

    • York Mills permalink
      9:55 pm

      Hi Tricia,

      I’m his little brother, and I know for a fact he thinks I’m a half wit. But he’s only half right. I’m just not sure which half. Hee hee…

  3. 12:36 am

    One is forced to conclude that the problem with young people is their lack of any sense of humor. I do not see any problem with your but, Mr. Mills; neither to I sense trouble with your if or your and.

  4. 12:37 am

    That should say “do,” not “to.” Good Lord.

    • York Mills permalink
      9:56 pm

      Hee hee.

      Not to worry, young fella. We all make mistakes. I once ate raw bacon for a week. Gave me a terrible case of the worms…

      Hee hee…

  5. 1:01 am

    I find it interesting that the first writer took offense to “too tall” but not:
    they’re tattooed freaks
    they’re crazy sex fiends
    they dress like morons
    they mumble all the time
    they can’t drive worth crap
    they’re functionally illiterate
    they have weirdo haircuts
    they’re high on the drugs
    they’re so damned disrespectful
    they’re godless heathens
    they pee too much
    etc
    etc
    etc.

    Keep it up Mr. Mills. You’ve hit a nerve.

    • York Mills permalink
      10:00 pm

      And now he’s hit the road, Jack. But unlike Jack, he will come back.

      Hey look! That rhymes.

      Ye siree, my medication is really working well today.

      Yahoo!

      Don will be back soon, R2D2!

      Whoops, I mean bmj2k…

      Hee hee. Pills must be wearing off…

  6. 2:17 am

    “artic melwater?” “weeping polar bears?” I have the feeling that Fresh is really Al Gore on a 10 day pot and ho’ binge.

    John obviously needs a good class in spelling and punctuation.

    • York Mills permalink
      10:02 pm

      Hee hee.

      Hello, young lady. I like your make up. Maybe some day you could do my colors? I’ve been told I’m “Autumn in Leather Pants.”

      Don just says I’m an embarrassment as a brother. But he’s not here, so that’s tough turnip for him.

      Hee hee…

  7. Debbi permalink
    2:25 am

    Your next post should be about young people’s severely depleted sense of humor, not to mention their inability to recognize basic satire. They probably lack the ability to place their own tongues in their cheeks (due to their multiple tongue and cheek piercings), let alone know when someone else is doing it.

    Of course, all these things would require them to do things like read and think on a regular basis. Might be asking a lot.

    PS–the tongue in cheek reference bears no relation to the stunt you pulled with your trousers down. Just saying …

    • York Mills permalink
      10:05 pm

      Hello, Debbi.

      I’m York. Don’s brother. And may I be so bold to say that anyone who mentions tongues in cheeks, and pulled down trousers, is a friend of mine.

      Wahoo!

      Hee hee…

      PS: I’m single.

      Hee hee hee…

  8. 2:34 am

    I think the last email might bring out a future rant again on the school system and the lack of basic spelling and grammar skills being taught.

    • York Mills permalink
      10:06 pm

      I’m still trying to figure out how you can be a bear and a man.

      Hee hee…

  9. Friar permalink
    3:00 am

    HAHAHAHAH!

    Don, this is pure gold!

    It should be syndicated nation-wide as an advice column. I’d pay to read it. Lots of people would.

    It could be a good supplement to your pension. And with today’s ass-clown young kids, you’d never have a shortage of material.

    • York Mills permalink
      10:06 pm

      Hee hee!

      I like you. You like to laugh! Me too!

      Hee hee ha ha ho hee ha hee hee!

      Hee hee…

  10. 3:44 am

    I just love that these people were serious! It’s great! Keep chugging along Don, and hopefully you’ll lure in some more prey to kill!

    • York Mills permalink
      10:09 pm

      Ooh a doctor!

      Any chance you can look at a blemish on my knee? I think it’s from wearing leather pants. They chaff. But I can’t be sure. In fact, I can’ be sure of anything. I do know this, once Don sees my comments, he’s gonna blow his stack, chug over to my bachelor pad and kill me.

      Hee hee…

  11. 4:15 am

    drive them crazy, don. tell them you only accept correspondence through snail mail.

    • elizabeth3hersh permalink
      8:09 am

      God forbid Don, but if you find you need a prostatectomy, funeral hiatus, prosthetic orthopaedic surgery or just plum get clogged up and need to get ‘augered’, I hope you turn the reigns over to nonnie9999. I think she would fill in nicely. Of course, I would still miss you like crazy.🙂

      • 4:27 am

        i don’t know whether to be flattered or appalled. 😕

        • elizabeth3hersh permalink
          5:32 am

          I have nothing but praise for you nonnie. If I can’t have Don, then I need a nonnie9999 fix🙂

        • Sedate Me permalink
          5:52 pm

          In this screwed up world, Appalled is always good default position.

          • York Mills permalink
            10:10 pm

            So’s the hokey pokey!

            You put your right foot in,
            You put your right foot out;
            You put your right foot in,
            And you shake it all about.
            You do the Hokey-Pokey,
            And you turn yourself around.
            That’s what it’s all about!
            Hee hee!

          • elizabeth3hersh permalink
            6:50 am

            I was wondering where you were, Sedate Me!

            York, you need a spanking.😉

    • York Mills permalink
      10:15 pm

      How nice to see you again, nonnie. I once ate snails. In France. I have no idea what I was doing there and why I was eating them… But I wrote it all in a postcard that I sent to myself so it must have happened.

      And hello, elizabeth. My, you know many medical terms. Do you, by any chance know the name of the blemish that I have on my knee? Right now, I’m calling him, “Hank”.

      Hee hee…

      • 4:29 am

        always nice to see you, york. 🙂 i hope you were wearing your leather shorts when you replied to me.

        p.s. hope elgin gets home safely. getting stoned in saudi arabia is not as fun as getting stoned here. 😉

        • York Mills permalink
          3:06 pm

          Hee hee…

          I was wearing my red ones. They shine in the sun.

          Elgin will be getting “lashed” as opposed to stoned. The authorities told him to wear a thick jacket for the event, which, I thought was rather considerate. But Elgin being Elgin, told them all he needed was booze.

          Hee hee…

  12. 4:28 am

    Dear Don,

    Your little friend John should have a tshirt made up to say “I am an abscess on the arse of Donald Mills”. With grammar and spelling like his, it may be the only thing he’s ever got to boast about.

    Fondly yours,

    The NDM

    • York Mills permalink
      10:22 pm

      Hee hee…

      Does NDM stand for “No Damn Muskrats”? I hope so. You see, I once owned a Muskrat and it bit me. Plus, that song “Muskrat Love” was far too treacly for my liking.

      Oh, and by the way. Alan Truitt says hello.

      Hee hee..

      • 6:21 am

        A very rare event in the blogolake, folks; a mention of AT… memories, sigh, sob!

        • York Mills permalink
          3:06 pm

          Hee hee…

          May I call you Elpresgod?

          • 3:45 pm

            Call me anything you like… but not late for me dinner!

            • York Mills permalink
              4:00 pm

              Hee hee. Is it dinner time? I’ll have the yellow pills in French onion soup.

              Hee hee…

  13. 7:14 am

    Dear Sir,

    I take offense on the “too tall” complaint. I’m sorry, I can’t help being tall.

    Aside from that, good work once more. Show the 90% of my generation the error of their ways.

    • York Mills permalink
      10:24 pm

      Hi ferxist!

      Hee hee… ferxist. What a funny name!

      I’m short. I think it’s because Don sat on my head all through our childhood.

      Hee hee…

      Nice to meet you, son!

  14. 8:06 am

    “you Brits haven’t contributed a hell of a lot to society in the past 100 years or so”…

    Not so much I agree but ever heard of The Beatles, Princess Diana. Maggie Thatcher and the worst of the lot, Tony Bliar?

    Superb diatribe Mr Don, apart from the minor error above…

    • York Mills permalink
      10:27 pm

      Hello gallowaygrave. Nice to meet you. I once went to Britain. I have no idea what I was doing there and why I went. But I wrote it all in a postcard that I sent to myself so it must have happened. Oh wait, that was France!

      Hee hee….

  15. 10:49 am

    I suspect John is not as young as he thinks he is….. and why is he calling you son?

    • York Mills permalink
      10:29 pm

      Woo hoo!

      A nurse! Where are my pills?

      Oh wait, here they are.

      Nice to see you dear. I see you no longer have Sick Days on your blog list. That’s right. I’m watching.

      Hee hee…

      • 8:25 am

        It broke my heart to take him off but he hasn’t posted in nearly a year…..😦

        • 8:35 am

          I spy some life at the old dog…

        • York Mills permalink
          3:12 pm

          It’s true, dear. That boy has gone the way of the dodo. Hee hee… dodo! Funny word.

          PS: I was just teasing. Hee hee…

          gallowaygrave: I used to drink at a bar called The Old Dog.

          Hee hee…

  16. 12:24 pm

    I have my spam filter set to remove to spam file any emails suspected of being sent by anyone younger than twenty-six, the year when kids actually start thinking with some semblance of intelligence. But that still leaves me with email from those claiming to be older than said twenty-six, but still say things like, “Muttered philippe and now there
    Shouted bordenave to open the dressing rooms. Philippe was saying to show him there
    Gaga and return for mme maloir.” To which I refuse to reply.

    • York Mills permalink
      10:30 pm

      Hee hee!

      Hello jammer. Nice to meet you. I like you. You’re feisty. If you ever need to borrow my dentures, just ask.

      Hee hee…

      • 1:34 pm

        How about them patent leather pants you wear when shopping at dollar general? Can I borrow them?

        • York Mills permalink
          3:13 pm

          Why of course you can. I have them in black, red, and neon blue.

          Hee hee…

          • 10:35 pm

            I do look especially sumptuous in neon blue, or so the ladies tell me.

            • York Mills permalink
              10:44 pm

              And the ladies are never wrong.

              Hee hee…

  17. 2:13 pm

    This was absolutely hilarious!! Thanks for starting my day with an ending laugh.

    • 2:14 pm

      uh sorry, that should have read UNending laugh.

      • York Mills permalink
        10:34 pm

        No worries, Gloria.

        I make mistakes all the time. I once mistook a rat for my pet Chihuahua, Buster. The darn thing mauled my groin when I went to give it a bath.

        Sorry dear, that’s probably more than you needed to hear.

        Hee hee.

  18. 2:28 pm

    You do have a way of getting things stirred up, which most of the time is a good thing. I personally like your sense of humor, at least that is the way I choose to read your posts, humor and snark.

    • York Mills permalink
      10:35 pm

      You should see him at the dining table eating chicken. Not a pretty site.

      Hee hee.

      Nice to meet you, dear.

  19. 3:21 pm

    That last writer should be taken out and shot. When did it become acceptable to use ‘u’ in place of ‘you’ and just generally be a shitty speller – how do they expect to be taken seriously?! Brainless gits…

    • York Mills permalink
      10:36 pm

      Ooh my! You swear like a sailor, Molly Malone. It’s very exciting. Are you, by any chance, single?

      Hee hee…

  20. Beth permalink
    6:48 pm

    Don, Thank you for always making me laugh. As a mother of young children
    I have gone back on saying that I would never be like my parents, and I have to say they had it right!

    • York Mills permalink
      10:38 pm

      Hee hee.

      Hello Beth. I too am the mother of young children and… Wait a minute, no I’m not. I’m an old man with memory lapses.

      Hee hee…

  21. 7:54 pm

    Thanks all for your comments. I’m sorry I’m not able to respond to each individually but I’ve been called out of town on a small family emergency.

    Again, my apologies but thank you all for your comments. With any luck, I’ll be home in time to post again next week.

    Best regards,

    Don

    • York Mills permalink
      9:46 pm

      I’ll take it from here, Don.

      I know you didn’t ask me, but you’re welcome anyway.

      Hee hee!

      Sorry… What was I talking about?

  22. 3:18 am

    The stupidity of these turd-nuggets who are too naive to catch on to the hilarity of your entries is astounding to me.

    • York Mills permalink
      3:36 am

      Well said, Rico. I’m sure that if Don wasn’t taking care of our brother, Elgin, who has gotten himself into a spot of trouble in Saudi Arabia because of his love of yelling at strangers and public intoxication, he would have something rather pity in the way of a response. But all I can offer is a simple “hee hee.”

      Hee hee…

  23. 4:22 am

    Hello, Mr. Mills, and York as well. Has been a while since I gave a reply, so I thought it was about time. I sure hope your brother Elgin is all doing right.

    Anyway:

    “A while back I added a “Send a Message to Don” page to this blog.”

    That’s just inviting talking back from the raving maturity-challenged hordes, I’m afraid. Although I’m hesitant to question your judgement, Mr. Mills, this might have been a rather bad idea. I think I’ve touched on this subject before, but the current generations’ grasp of basic satire is frankly terrifying.

    All the best,

    TJ

    • York Mills permalink
      3:22 pm

      Hello son,

      Don has told me that Elgin will be getting his lashing in a few days. Ah, this is what happens when you drink and drive your mouth in Saudi Arabia. Thank you for asking.

      I have to agree that it was an ill conceived idea by old Donny boy. Much like the time he kept and horse and cow in his basement. Hee hee, he wanted to crossbreed them and create a “how course”. A creature that raced at the track and gave milk.

      Hee hee. Or when he decided to try aging beer. Hee hee. Boy, did he get sick.

      Or when he tried to outlaw clowns from the circus because he believed they were evil. Hee hee ha ha hee hee hahahahaha!

      Hee hee…

      • 3:49 pm

        Given the usual routine of “If I’d [random act of assclownery] my [parent] would have [graphic violence] with an [archaic kitchen utensil/farm implement], and I would have been better off for it”, I’ve taken Don as a fierce supporter of corporal punishment, thus I suspect he feels a sound thrashing(or lashing, as it were) is in order. Public intoxication in a fundamentalist islamic country is one hell of a bad idea.

        I had suspected a sensible man like Mr. Mills to observe that beer does indeed have a shelf life. The” how course”-project also strikes me as a bit out of character. May the two incidents have been related?

        I think for his sake he should hurry back before you spill all the family secrets, aha.

        – TJ

        • York Mills permalink
          4:02 pm

          Ask away, son. As the family blacksheep and habitual liar, I’ll tell all. Donny boy can deny it all later.

          Hee hee…

    • Sedate Me permalink
      7:27 pm

      Mr Mills,

      This comes as quite a surprise to me.

      I was under the impression Elgin Mills passed away sometime in the 1970’s. Good to hear he’s still kicking around.

      • Elgin Mills permalink
        8:31 pm

        What? I’m not dead. I’m in Saudi Arabia. It’s only sort of the same thing.

        Grrr…

        • York Mills permalink
          8:32 pm

          Hee hee…

          Temper, temper, Elgin.

          • Elgin Mills permalink
            8:34 pm

            Shut up, York. You ridiculous half wit.

            • York Mills permalink
              8:36 pm

              Hee hee. Okey dokey. Oh, but do let me know how the lashing goes. If you want, I have a spare pair of leather pants. They might help pad the blows.

              Hee hee!

  24. 6:43 am

    WOw you have a great blog!🙂

    really great concept. lol

    i love learning from the old people. i mean knowing their perspectives about life. lol

    and man do you have a lot of hate mail i see?

    well.. I just saw this quote before and I would just love to share it because it fits your site.

    “those who criticize the young generation, forget who raised them” :o)

    • York Mills permalink
      4:05 pm

      Hee hee.

      I don’t get it. Maybe my leather pants are too tight.

      Hello there young lady. I’m York. And I’m single. I have three pairs of leather pants.

      My brother, Don, is off to take care of our brother, Elgin, who has gotten himself into some trouble in Saudi Arabia. I’m sure old Don would say something sage about all this, but all I can offer is “hee hee.”

      Hee hee…

  25. 4:14 pm

    All to the left… boy are we for it when Mr Don gets back?

    • York Mills permalink
      5:48 pm

      Who cares? All that matters is he’s not here now.

      Hee hee…

      • 6:06 pm

        OK Mr York, dish the dirt on Mr Don; he can’t be that perfect, surely?

        • York Mills permalink
          6:23 pm

          How’s this? I will tell you about the one and only prank I ever played on on Donny. I short sheeted his bed and booby trapped it too. So when he slipped into bed not only were his sheets shortened but, hee hee, I’d also booby trapped it with a live snake!

          Hee hee! He jumped out of the bed and onto the floor, which I’d covered in bacon fat! So he was slipping around out of control and I said “Here! Grab my hand!” And he did. But I had a joy buzzer in my hand so he got a big electrical shock!

          Hee hee!

          He was all frazzled and in pain and screaming and slipping in the bacon fat and so I pushed him onto his bed and handed him his slippers and told him he needed to put them on in order to stop slipping and… Hee hee hee hee… He did. But I’d filled his slippers with maggots I’d found in the garbage! Whoopee!

          And so now ol’ Donny boy springs into the air and lands on the floor covered in bacon fat. He’s slipping and hopping around and screaming “Help, I’ve got maggots on my feet!!!!”

          Hee hee! So I handed him a towel to wipe the maggots off – only… Hee hee, I’d coated the towel in Hot Mustard! Hee hee hee hee… So he flops onto his back and starts rubbing his feet with the towel and next thing you know… Hee hee, his feet are burning and so he springs up and once again he’s slipping about on the floor…. Hee hee!

          So, I tell him that he needs to put on socks, which are in the dresser by the window… So he’s stumbling to the dresser and when he gets there, I, hee hee…Push him out the window!

          Hee hee.

          So I run downstairs and pull him up from the front lawn. I say, “Donny, drink this.” He does.

          It’s rancid goat milk! Hee hee hee!

          He starts stumbling around on the front yard… And… and.. Hee hee hee… He falls in the ditch I dug. He’s screaming, “Get me out of here god damn it!”

          And so, hee hee.. I throw down a rope… But it’s covered in bacon fat. And so he’s sliding on it… Hee hee… And he can’t get out… But he keeps trying and trying until he faints in a heap. Hee hee hee hee hee hee!

  26. 6:39 pm

    York

    Your brother does not speak to highly of you , but make sure he gets this message.

    Mr Mills

    What no, emails from Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. I personally think emails were a bad idea, cause its the only god damn form of communication stupid young uns understand…..its the best way for them to write four letter words and call others names……but you get what you ask for…….Zman sends

    York..please put the how to be more like my big brother book down…never gonna happen..think i saw that book on the bookmobile……

    • York Mills permalink
      9:42 pm

      Hee hee…

      Ol’ Don’s just jealous because I get all the ladies. It’s the leather pants. They’re like catnip to the senior female kittens.

      I was actually reading “Viagra for Dummies” although this Big Brother books sounds interesting. Was it published in 1984?

      York sends…

      Hee hee!

  27. 10:26 pm

    I have a hard time believing the first two letters were written by teenagers. They seem to be educated enough to write in English. I was expecting something more like, “u r a more on.”

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the young people.

    • York Mills permalink
      12:04 am

      Hello, Ahmnodt Heare. I like your name and your painted on beard. May I ask, if you am not here, just where are you?

      Hee hee… Existential!

  28. 1:54 am

    Hello Don.. and York. I’ve missed the rants. You wouldn’t believe the young people antics I’ve seen.

    • York Mills permalink
      3:03 am

      Seems like I keep bumping into you all night, Claire. In a good way, of course. Hee hee.

      I hope the young people haven’t been too much of a burden what with their hoola hoops and crazy dance steps.

      Hee hee…

  29. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    4:33 am

    I have to say if part of the finical crisis is due to credit card over spending, and many of my fellow young people overspend (think 60 in. 1080p flat screen , three game consoles on lay away w/out a job, that’s what a buddy of mine did), well young people are sort of at least partly to blame. Also I’m pretty sure it is not seniors driving those SUVs, using electricity like there is no tomorrow (I am a guilty of draining the power company of electricity on occasion).

    John’s letter has served a purpose though, it is a warning to us all that in the future, there are apparently no dictionaries, and spell check has disappeared.

    • York Mills permalink
      12:37 pm

      Hello there, lookingforsomethingtofind, my, but you are very well spoken and intelligent young person. I suspect you and my brother, Don, get along famously. Tell me, as a bright young person, do you happen to know where I left my shoes…?

      Hee hee.

      Your friend,

      Shoeless York.

  30. 9:04 pm

    Mr. Don come back, please, soon, NOW!

    gg

    • York Mills permalink
      9:25 pm

      Scream all you like, he can’t hear you, gg. I’ve locked him in my basement closet.

      Hee hee!

      Just kidding. I think…

      Hee hee…

  31. Cecilia permalink
    5:48 pm

    Oh God, I was eally scared oh this John. I thought he might be one of those horrible serial killers who write messages with symbols to b deciphered or something. One needs a Champollion to translate this small Rosetta Stone Fragment or Barbarian Age.

    Lots of laughs with your polite, cold, smart and funny responses, Don. I loved especially the comments about the Brits… I suppose the teen individual might have felt a little despised along with his fellow citizens.😉

    Senti saudades deste blog. Grande abraço.

  32. Cecilia permalink
    5:50 pm

    Oh, I’ve criticized that thing, John, but wrote several English mistakes too. At least I have the excuse of being a foreigner.😀

    • York Mills permalink
      8:17 pm

      Oh that’s okay, Cecilia. We all make mistakes. I once shampooed my hair in butter.

      Hee hee…

      • Cecilia permalink
        2:12 am

        Haha, great… I never did this. That might have been a greasy experience.😀

  33. 8:43 pm

    Best posting in quite sometime Mr. Mills. I laughed loud and long with this one.
    Can’t wait to read the next one.

  34. 12:35 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    An excellent post, as usual. I’m sorry I’ve been sick and then out of the country and am now trying to catch up with your, as always, right on the money posts. Loved your response to the giant. I agree, if this is the dumbest website Kate has come across she either has not been trolling the interwebs for very long or you are really moving up on the website charts.

    But why is York answering all your comments. Not too swift that one. As mostly all he can say is hee hee.

    Did he fall on his head as a child?

    • 12:52 am

      Thank you Carol,

      Sorry to hear you’ve been unwell. I do hope you fully recovered before embarking on your trip. There’s nothing worse than travelling when under the weather.

      I was called out of town briefly last week to tend to a family matter and York took it upon himself to respond to comments. I assume he thought he was being quite hilarious (hence all the damned hee hees) but I’ve already had a word with him and tried to clarify that all of his Saudi Arabia nonsense was entirely devoid of fact.

      I don’t recall him falling on his head as a boy. I think a horse kicked him in the noggin once but I don’t remember it having any noticeable effect (and I suspect he had it coming.)

      All the best, Carol.

      Don

  35. 11:40 pm

    Just as an afterhought, the british guy who is expressing concerns about drowning in arctic meltwater just tells me you should perhaps have attended swimming lessons.

  36. paper doll permalink
    1:45 pm

    I drafted this up for a local seniors group but they found it too controversial and nixed it. A shame – I thought damned young people might benefit from the advice.

    imo it was nixed because you gave away too many senior secrets…like what they really think. It’s hard being an honest man Don, but thank you!

    • paper doll permalink
      1:48 pm

      oops, wrong thread. Mea culpa

    • 7:15 pm

      And thank you as well paper doll.

      I suppose you may be right. As a rule we seniors tend to play our cards fairly close to our chests. (It’s partially a vision issue too, mind you).

      Best regards,

      Don

  37. Eric permalink
    9:04 pm

    At the risk of being labeled one of those young, clueless, analphabetic idiots here goes nothin – You sir, quite simply, ROCK! nuf said
    quite sincerely,
    Eric

  38. Miro permalink
    5:15 pm

    I wish you Happy New year Don and family, I discovered this blog today and I will follow. Go ahead with this amazing sense of humour that you have. my best.

  39. Kira permalink
    2:13 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    I stumbled upon your website during a random irritation-filled search for all the things that are wrong with teenagers today. Although I am a teenager, I am entirely opposed to defining teenaged qualities such a ignorance, disrespect and idiocy and I actually find myself relating more to your definition of satisfaction and happiness–reading, listening to the BBC on the radio, attending a symphony, etc.–than that of my peers (sex, alcohol, drugs, etc.). Therefore, please keep up the good work, my good sir. I love your wit, and your sarcastic insight never fails to make me smile, and I will dutifully follow your blog as long as you continue to write.

  40. Miriam Joy permalink
    11:31 am

    Personally I’m sitting here in hysterics, and I’m a 15-year-old from the UK. I like to think I’m a bit of an atypical teenager, which is probably why I find this so funny – because it’s so true!
    Also, about the being tall thing, I’m 5 foot 3. I have been for two and a half years. I am fed up of people thinking I’m 12. So yes, I agree that they’re all too tall. What’s wrong with being midget anyway?

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