Emails From Damned Young People

A while back I added a “Send a Message to Don” page to this blog.

Not surprisingly, I’ve received considerable praise from damned young people around the globe. And naturally, I endeavor to answer all emails in a friendly and helpful manner.

A sample of some correspondence I’ve exchanged this month:

“Pretty sure your little website is the dumbest thing I have ever come across. Young people are too “tall”. Honestly, that’s the best you could come up with. They are too TALL!” – Kate

Thank you very much for your email, Kate.

I assume from your note that you are a young person who suffers from some form of extremely disturbing gigantism. My insensitivity must have been quite hurtful.

I’m sorry if I touched on a woefully disproportionate nerve and hope that my gross generalizations did not cause you to lace up your size 600 sneakers and stomp through town like some adolescent Godzilla on a hormone-induced rampage. I’d hate to feel that I was responsible for you snapping the spire off a church tower and using it to skewer groups of innocent seniors out for an afternoon stroll.

I’m honoured to have authored the dumbest site you’ve ever come across – I don’t spend a great deal of time on the internet but I suspect I had some stiff competition.  Between LOL cats, Sailor Moon fetish sites and chat rooms dedicated to worshipping all things Jonas, I wouldn’t have dreamed of even getting into the top 10. 

Good luck with your pituitary glands and thank you for writing.

Don

“I live in Great Britain and have never been more insulted. Was it teenagers who started the banking crisis,global warming, and the decimation of valuable flora and fauna around the world? No! WE will be the ones drowning in arctic meltwater, and weeping over the polar bear carcusses as consequences of the mistakes YOUR generation has made. I would also defend the book “little Brother” by Cory Doctorow to prove my point!” – Fresh

Thanks for the note, lad.

I have to say I’m surprised you’ve never been more insulted. Given your nation of origin I would have thought getting insulted would be a daily occurrence. After all, beyond mushy peas, bowler hats and providing fodder for dental humor – you Brits haven’t contributed a hell of a lot to society in the past 100 years or so. Regardless, I regret if you took offence.

I’m sorry too if my generation left a small mess. We meant to clean up afterward but got busy eating giant sea turtles, drinking condor blood and watching Matlock marathons on TBS and completely lost track of the time.

Now I can understand your concern, son, but personally I wouldn’t recommend weeping over a polar bear carcass (especially one that’s wafted across the ocean for 6 weeks and then washed up on the shores of a beach in Brighton – it’s likely pretty ripe). After all, it’s not like they’d be inclined to return the favor. A polar bear might snack on your carcass but I seriously doubt it would shed any tears. From what I recall, polar bears lack empathy. They also dislike Cory Doctorow novels so that’s two strikes against them right there.

Keep in mind too that polar bears often hunt while swimming so I’m assuming that the additional arctic “meltwater” might be to their liking. If you do find yourself drowning, take my advice and exercise caution. It’s often hard for polar bears to distinguish between a drowning young person and a bearded seal.

Again, sorry for the mess. There’s a mop and a hazmat suit in the hall closet – knock yourself out.

Trust that helps and thanks for writing.

Don

“u need to sit ur old but down and stay in house and think about the past because we are i tha present son not the past the present so stop acting like u got something stuck in your but – John”

Jesus, son, you jump around faster than H.G. Well’s Time machine.

But I do appreciate your confirming that we’re in the “present.” I was growing suspicious that we were in the future and was concerned that in the past (formerly known as the present since we’re now in the future) I’d left my stove on. But then again, if I had burned down my house in the past (nee present), it wouldn’t very well still be standing in the future would it? Logic triumphs again.

Now, I’ve taken your comments about my ass quite seriously and just this morning set out to determine what if anything might be stuck there. Unfortunately, I’m not as limber as I used to be and by the time I had unzipped my trousers, lowered my underpants and located my spectacles I was exhausted and fell asleep in my arm chair. You can imagine my embarrassment when my neighbor found me in that most undignified position later in the afternoon.

Despite my embarrassment I continued to plod on. It took the better part of a day but mystery solved!

Turns out that the pain in my ass was just you.

Trust that helps and thanks for writing.

Don