Skip to content

Repost: Affronts to Old People – Sweatpants with Words on the Ass

(My apologies but I’ve been off my pegs this week and haven’t been able to muster the energy to write a new post.)

One of the most outrageous assaults young people have committed on common decency has to be the practice of having words written across the ass of their sweats pants.

I see it everywhere. Inane and distasteful words like “Angel”, “Princess” and “Hottie” printed across the prodigious backsides of young people. It’s moronic and indecent.

Just this morning I was confronted with the disturbing sight of a young woman with the word “bootylicious” scrawled across her derriere.  I don’t know what the Hell it means but I stand by my assertion that if your ass is large enough to accommodate a twelve letter word it may not be a feature you wish to draw additional attention to.

I may not be able to stop this atrocious practice, but if it is going to continue I suggest any one of the following 10 words/phrases might be more appropriate to display on your young rumps:

“Lazy”

That’s right. “Lazy.” If you don’t have the energy to pull on sensible trousers and do up a zipper for God’s sake, you may as well come clean about it and admit that you’re a shiftless, indolent lay-about. People may not respect your choice of apparel but they’ll appreciate your honesty damn it.

“MacDonalds”

They likely had a hand in building that giant ass you’re so intent on decorating, so you may as well give them credit for a job well done. They may even give you a free “Whoppler” as their way of saying thanks.

“Back”

The way I see it, this is damned practical and not unlike writing left and right on the shoes of dullards and toddlers.  At least the word “back” serves a purpose and will help these young people get their pants on right side around. It’s a small thing but a step in the right direction.

“Oblivious”

You don’t need to understand why. In fact, its likely better that you don’t.

“Kick Me”

I’m all about motivation and my guess is that if you enjoy word-enhanced sweat pants you’re likely on an express train to nowhereville and would benefit from a good old fashioned kick in the ass.

“Have You Seen This Child?”

If you walk around in sweat pants all day you likely have parole conditions to fulfill and community service may be part of that equation. Here’s a chance for you to give something back and help people locate missing children. Milk cartons get stuck in the fridge but your giant ass seems to be everywhere so slap a picture of a missing kid on it and do some good for a change, damn it.

“My Other Ass Fits In Real Pants”

For no reason other than it makes me chuckle.

“The End is Nigh”

If there was ever a sign that the Four Horseman are mounting up and getting ready to ride it’s the preponderance of young people with the word “juicy” written on their backsides. You may as well get the word out that we are all going to Hell and that the bus is leaving soon.

“Unemployable”

Time for some truth in advertising, damn it. Plus, as an added bonus, it may dissuade other impressionable young people from heading down this ill-advised road, venturing over to “Target” and perusing the “fornicating teen department” for similar attire.

“This Space for Rent”

Look, if you’re going to parade around like a jiggling billboard you may as well try to generate some income from it. I’m sure there must be some gelatin companies or cottage cheese makers looking for cheap and easy advertising opportunities and your ass may be right up their alley.

I hope that these suggestions will be helpful to you young folks. The other option of course is just to start wearing sensible clothing and stop dressing like a dyslexic, bootylicious prostitute.

Damned young people. They make me crazy.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

74 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:25 am

    This is fimilar….hmmm.

    It;s hard to fidn normal sweat pants with out something written ont he arse. I get enough people staring already.

    • 12:44 am

      Thanks Rose,

      Yes, it is familiar and I apologize but I’ve been a tad under the weather and busy drinking hot toddies and assuring relatives that I’m not quite ready to be shipped off to a nursing home. They seem disappointed and more than a little sceptical. I can tell I’ll need to be on high alert for the next few weeks – they’ve been leaving Shady Acres literature all over my damned living room.

      In any case, I’d strongly suggest you give up this practice of wearing sweatpants. Regardless of whether or not they have something written across the ass they’re pyjamas dressed up as sportswear. In my view, trousers were meant to have a zipper and belt loops.

      All the best, Rose.

      Don

      • 6:32 am

        Do you need a visit from the nurse? Ooops… just remembered in time – I’m not a REAL nurse am I?

        • 7:40 pm

          Thanks for the offer Nursemyra but I’m sure I’ll be fine.

          And not to worry about the name – I somehow suspect that Bearman isn’t actually half man/half Kodiak bear and that yellowcat is not, in reality, a precious feline.

          Nice to see you back. I do hope you’re keeping well.

          Don

      • 11:44 pm

        Sadly I can not do this as I try to stay physicly active via Gardening, walking a few mniles and going to the gym. They don;t let you in the gym in Dress pants or jeans. Apperently you could injure your self.

        anjy way I’m hoppignm you;re drinking the hot toddy’s with whisky as that helps.

        Good luck with your idoit realtives.

  2. 12:27 am

    Since you are using a repeat…and I had a nice comment up for whatever you were originally going to have in this place…I will rehash something I have used before…

    I don’t have any thing written on the pack of my pants…unless you count me looking like I sat on a chocolate bar as “something.”

    • 1:01 am

      Many thanks morethananelectrician,

      In keeping with the spirit of your rehashed comment, I provide the following completely recycled response.

      So “Randy Bush” is your handle is it? I shook hands with a Randy Bush once and I can honestly say it was one of the best experiences of my life. What a coincidence…after all, it’s not every day that a Randy Bush drops into you lap.

      And what a great name! I’d consider changing the blog name to “the Randy teenager” or “The Wide World of Bush.”

      Both have a hell of a ring and will likely draw a crowd of like-minded studious youngters to your fine site.

      All the best Randy Bush. I hope you return. I’d love to hear from you again.

      Many thanks morethananelectrician. I’d be careful about rehashing that story too many times. To be honest, it doesn’t paint you in the best of lights.

      All the best, son, and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  3. 12:39 am

    I once saw a four hundred pound woman, if she weighed a pound, wearing sweat pants with the word, “bootylicious” printed on her not so subtle derriere. She was in the ice cream section of the store, pulling out gallons of Mocha-fudge and filling her cart. I see a gallon of that now, and delivering my last meal to the porcelain throne is the usual result. There ought to be a law, or a hunting season.

    • 1:09 am

      Jesus Jammer,

      You paint quite the damned visual there lad.

      I have to wonder what the Hell any four hundred pound person is thinking when they stretch the word “bootylicious” across a crack wider than the one in the Liberty Bell (24.5 inches long by 1/2 inch wide for anyone interested).

      It’s just damned frightening. And, I might add, the reason that moo moos were invented.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • 3:47 am

        Damned ice cream was on the bottom row too. Arggggg . . . I think I’ll go pull my brain out and soak it in lye to help me forget.

        • 2:41 pm

          Well I was thinking that the only way someone could have “bootylicious” on their backside was for it to be really small font or a really big backside.

  4. 12:55 am

    It’s getting to the point where you can read the entire book of “War and Peace” on the posteriors of some people. People with nice posteriors don’t need words to show. People with wide butts have no business putting words on their sweatpants because I’m not going to read that.

    • 8:05 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      And that would be the senior-friendly large print edition of War and Peace. War on the left cheek, Peace on the right. It’s oddly compelling but I do agree – Russian literature has no place on the asses of Americans.

      Nice to hear from you Ahmnodt,

      Best regards

      Don

  5. cleverlittlemiss permalink
    1:41 am

    Repeat but still pretty funny. I don’t know why people like wearing sweatpants with words on the behind…its so tacky

    • 8:07 pm

      Thank you cleverlittlemiss,

      I’d add rude, moronic and distasteful to tacky. Thanks for popping in.

      All the best,

      Don

  6. 3:03 am

    I hate to take pleasure in the misfortune of you being under the weather, but it is hard not to feel like this is a blessed ‘second chance’ for me, having missed it the first time round, to come up to speed appropriate bum slogans.
    Just to be sure I have the right idea now, I’d like to know what you make of “Danger Zone” (I have a terrible chronic gastrointestinal problem, so I like to think that is appropriately appropriate, but I cant be sure…)

    • 8:17 pm

      Many thanks Rubytwoshoes,

      An interesting question. I suppose if a serious medical condition is involved it would really be no different that wearing a medic alert bracelet – just positioned differently. With that in mind I’d consider “Danger Zone” to be acceptable. I’d prefer, however, if you did something a little more subtle and perhaps considered replacing that phrasing with something like this:

      I think it’s entirely more dignified and stylish too.

      Now, while I’ve agreed to this in principle, I should point out that I still don’t believe you need to be wearing sweatpants. If you’re going to take this approach, I would expect to see you use this wording/symbol on your dress trousers, casual slacks and your Sunday church pants. On your swimsuit as well (though given the nature of your illness public bathing may be ill-advised).

      Thanks again for the question and the visit, RubyTwoShoes. Always good to hear from you.

      All the best,

      Don

  7. 4:19 am

    Some women should simply put “Baby got back… obviously.”

    • 8:20 pm

      Thank you bmj2k

      Very true….Baby got back, alright. Back to the drive through for another damned value meal.

      Thanks for visiting,

      Don

  8. 6:58 am

    Alan Truitt isn’t doing crap these days. Should have asked him to write a post for you.

    • 8:25 pm

      Thanks Bearman,

      Bah! or should I say Pah!

      He’s one of the family members conspiring to ship me off to a nursing home. I think he wants my LeSabre. Plus, I’ve read his work. Too reliant on merkins, groin mauling and scottish stereotypes for my liking.

      All the best Bearman.

      Don

  9. 7:25 am

    Ahh an old favorite!

    It’s not just the scribbled nonsense that is an affront to me Don; it’s the fact that these young people are wearing their pajamas out in public in the first place. It’s just laziness, pure and simple. And if it’s not sweatpants, it’s a wifebeater shirt. I’m surprised that the wife doesn’t beat them for leaving the house like that. But she probably wants him gone so she can walk around the neighborhood not so discreetly advertising her own goods and services.

    • 8:37 pm

      Thank you Scott,

      You’re damned right of course. There are no shortage of clothing affronts out there. Pyjamas as pants, ass-cheek revealing shorts, baggy-assed jeans, 6lb gold necklaces, exposed underpants, reversed ball caps…the list goes on and on. But those shirts you describe really do take the damned cake. And if the wife won’t beat him for wearing one – I wish to hell someone else would step up and do it for her. I’d be happy to never have to set my eyes on that particular fashion statement ever again.

      All the best, Scott. Nice to hear from you.

      Don

  10. 7:51 am

    This was just as funny the second time around. Hope you feel better soon. Happy 4th of July.

  11. The Celtic Queen permalink
    8:18 am

    Oh I don’t know Don there’s a time in a YOUNGER person’s life when they can get away with such things but it’s when older women try to get away with it that it’s weird. At least these younger ones are wearing sweatpants which in my book is better than older women showing their old bits or wearing Angel across their butt or boobs or worse still, not much else. I feel like saying “just put IT away”.
    Guys are just as bad. Bum cracks showing is not a good look with or without anything written across it.

    • 8:42 pm

      Many thanks Celtic Queen,

      I agree that this isn’t an affront that is limited to youth. Sadly, as you point out, there are no shortage of folks who feel it is appropriate to label their bottoms as being “juicy” no matter how age-inappropriate and outright fraudulent that claim may be.

      It just seems to me that it’s more damned common on young people than old.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • The Celtic Queen permalink
        4:02 am

        Yes that’s about right. I think there’s nothin juicy about old gals butts or boobs or blokes either. There comes a time when it’s time to ‘not show what’s not nice’. Less is definitely best. You know that old saying “Mutton dressed as lamb” well we get mutton dressed as mutton here and it’s not a good look.
        I’m still of the opinion your first impression is the most lasting impression. So we have to as my granny used to say, ” keep yourself nice”.

  12. 1:38 pm

    I was going to suggest another saying that might work “Tasteless,” meaning a lack of fashion sense, but realized that it might be misinterpreted.

    • 8:44 pm

      Many thanks Pamela,

      I appreciate that. I was in the mood for a chuckle and that certainly gave me one.

      Thanks again and all the best,

      Don

  13. 10:38 pm

    whatever i said last time, i still mean it.

    feel better soon, don.

    • 12:21 pm

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      I’m sure my response still stands as well.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in to visit.

      Don

  14. 11:15 pm

    I was going to have “Supercalifragalisticexpealadocious” on my rear, but there was still a lot of empty space left. Thanks, McDonald’s!

  15. 11:18 pm

    If I wore them, it would say “Exit Only”.

  16. 2:07 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    Sorry to hear you’re not feeling up to your usual charming self and if you need a diagnosis without a $15 co-payment, feel free to email me directly with your symptoms.

    I enjoyed this post immensely (like the sizes of the butts that have writing on them.) Even a repeat from you is better than most stuff on the interwebs.

    Best, feel better soon, and happy 4th of July

    Dr. Carol King

    • 5:13 pm

      Many thanks Dr. King,

      Happy 4th of July to you as well.

      I would most certainly appreciate any diagnosis you might be able to offer.

      When I spoke with Dr. Shand, my family physician, I reported the following symptoms:

      – bouts of lethargy proceeded by extended periods of apathy and often accompanied by an impulse toward mimicry
      – night fevers
      – adult acne
      – ocular weakness
      – swollen feet
      – ankle coldness (left ankle only – right ankle warm to touch)
      – cornea sensitivity
      – golfer’s elbow (and possible plumber’s butt)
      – cravings for good’n’plenty
      – assorted palpitations (above waist only)
      – daytime drowsiness
      – lax skin
      – finger spasms
      – eyebrow blisters
      – ennui
      – gastric tingling
      – puffy eyes
      – middle ear pain
      – intense uterine contractions
      – spastic gait

      And the collywobbles.

      He dismissed me outright but based on my research I may have cat scratch fever, Guinea Worm Disease or a bad cold. Frankly, I’m worried.

      All the best and thanks in advance for any help you can offer.

      Don

      • 5:44 pm

        Don, there’s only one thing I can recommend – Dr. House.

        • David permalink
          4:18 am

          Sounds more to me like he may need Dr. Kavorkian with that set of symptoms but I’m most intrigued by the uterine contractions – do tell us more about that Don…..inquiring minds need to know.

          • 1:59 pm

            David,

            Nice to hear from you, lad. I hope you’re keeping well.

            My doctor had the same question about the uterine contractions. Frankly, I’d have expected a man with his training and experience to understand the human body well enough that he wouldn’t need me explaining it to him. He had the same puzzled look a few years back when I had recurring neck pain and was concerned I might need cortisone treatments or a partial hysterectomy.

            I’m considering changing doctors. When I asked to be referred to a specialist he suggested I contact a palaeontologist and told me to stop looking up illnesses on the internet.

            Damn rude in my estimation.

            All the best,

            Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        1:08 pm

        What about The Gout?

  17. 2:31 pm

    Don,

    I hope you’re not really sick and just fiddling around making magnets. Although I once heard of something called magnet therapy that pulls out toxins from the body.

    As an aside, you might want to throw an old post at us once in a while anyway since they are just as clever the second time around.

    • 6:42 pm

      Many thanks Tricia,

      No fiddling for me, I’m afraid. I’ve managed a small amount of puttering but none of it has been magnet-related. I hope to remedy that soon.

      Many thanks for the kind words, Tricia, and I won’t keep you waiting on your coveted but largely worthless prize too much longer. I won’t go shopping without my cardigan so until it dips below 103 I’m pretty much stuck indoors.

      All the best,

      Don

  18. Sedate Me permalink
    7:38 pm

    Sir,

    Excellent work, but you forgot the slogan that really encapsulates the phenomena… “Stare at My Ass!”

    That’s what it’s all about, the desperate desire of young women to have people pay attention to them. If they can’t make it in Hollywood, they can at least get everyone on the street to check out their “juicy” ass for a few minutes.

    Yet, oddly enough, many of these very same young women who turn their tuchus into a billboard object when you they notice you staring at their asses. You can’t write something on your ass, walk around in public for the whole world to see, then object when somebody “old”, “creepy” or just not “hot enough” as you were hoping for reads it.

    If you have something written on your ass, I can take as long as I want to read it. From the moment you put these pants on, you give up any right to complain.

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      1:52 am

      Spot on but there again most of them enjoy people perving at them, that’s why they do it. They love the attention from ANYBODY. They’re just a bit sad ! I’m with you, in fact I won’t wear clothing with any kind of advertising, not even surf wear. I figure if they want me to advertise they should be paying me not me paying them. With some exhibitionists it’s all about, LOOK AT ME!

      • David permalink
        4:20 am

        Speaking of perving – I find it not acceptable for women with large boobs to have smallish font words there because there is just no possible way to read that politely.

    • 1:00 pm

      Many thanks Sedate me,

      I couldn’t agree more. And while I’m not inclined to stare at the ample asses of young malcontents, if you have a neon pink phrase like “Slippery when wet” written across your rump it does tend to draw the eye in that direction.

      If these young ladies would prefer people not take notice of their posteriors they should either leave them unadorned or consider wearing a decent, loose-fitting skirt.

      If you’ll excuse the pun, any outrage they might express is both disingenuous and asinine.

      All the best.

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        1:50 pm

        Yes, sir. I agree.

        The writing gets in the way of appreciating a “slippery when wet” ass and, at the same time, the “slippery when wet” ass distracts one from reading what is written on it. By trying to do too much, it ruins things in both directions. The only positive thing ass messaging does is declare to the Aqualung crowd sitting on their park benches that, “It’s OK to stare”, which is also another good saying for these pants to have.

        In addition, I have actually seen on the streets of my little Duckburg young ladies going about their day with “whore” and “slut” written on rather short shorts. This either marks a return to the days of the Scarlet Letter, or it’s a blatant request for a business proposal.

  19. Kimberly permalink
    1:37 pm

    Don: I am sorry you are not feeling well, and hope that passes soon, without intervention of nursing home.

    I find sweatpants in public deplorable – with or without writting on the backside. Especially the 30-something male wearing sweatpants, but having to carry wallet and keys around the store because he has no pockets. What a moron.

    Even more upsetting, is the grade-school set wearing these pants with identical slogans across the rear. What parent would purchase, or allow their child to wear, these pants? Unless they are raising their daughter to be a hooker, there is no excuse.

    Take care.

    • 1:40 pm

      Thank you Kimberly,

      I agree with you entirely. Regardless of whether or not they are decorated with pithy phrases, sweat pants are laziness and sloth incarnate.

      And I’m deeply troubled by moronic parents that think it’s cute to dress their school aged children like prostitutes (or “gangstas”). It’s damned disgraceful if you ask me.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  20. 3:19 pm

    In my neck of the asphalt I see it all the time. But only once has it made me write a ditty:
    http://boundandgags.wordpress.com/2010/01/31/mixed-messages/

    • 1:41 pm

      Thank you boundandgags,

      I’ll pop over to read your post shortly. Appreciate your stopping in.

      Don

  21. 11:49 pm

    Had a good chortle over your post. I loved your article!

  22. 5:00 am

    Hi Don! I’ve been your silent reader all the while, and I can’t hold it any longer. This post made me laugh. real hard. Oh, by the way, I’m from Malaysia and one of the young people who irate you so badly. Haha. Keep writing! Love you!

    • 2:06 pm

      Thanks kindly Ethassan,

      I appreciate the kind words and the visit.

      Hope to hear from you again,

      All the best,

      Don

  23. harrythehandyman permalink
    10:24 pm

    don , i like it and every word is to , lazy , sleep happy , slap happy , kids of to-day , from another old man

  24. Wishfulthinker permalink
    11:22 pm

    I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well, Don. I hope you recover quickly to your “crabby old fart” ways.

    “Old fart.” Reminds me of my father. He had a “crew” of “old farts” that used to hang out on the back porch decrying today’s (yesterday’s?) youth and generally commenting on the degeneration of our beloved country (US). I loved those conversations and I miss them very much (he died a few years ago). Your posts remind me of those times — always brings a smile to my face. Sometimes even a uncontrollable laugh or two. For that, I thank you.

    • 12:05 pm

      Many thanks wishfulthinker,

      That’s a very kind comment and I sincerely appreciate your sharing it with me. Your old dad and his friends sound like my kind of crowd. I’m sure you miss him terribly.

      All the best,

      Don

  25. 7:28 am

    Why anyone would draw attention to their ass, I know not.

    • 12:05 pm

      Thank you Dolce,

      It beats the hell out of me. Thanks for visiting.

      Regards,

      Don

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      11:02 am

      Oh Dolce if it was only their ass! I hold the sanctity of motherhood
      very dear and from what I see some mothers need to take a long hard look at themselves, their conduct and how they dress. I’m embarrassed at how they appear before their sons, daughters and those of us who seem to have a shred of dignity left. I would never have walked around in front of my father or brothers, sons or daughters in any kind of provocative or inappropriate attire. Let alone displaying yourself in public places and actually thinking you look ‘COOL’ . For some it’s anything goes so and if you can’t nip in the bud at home then I don’t really blame the kids. Heaven forbid I think my family would disown me. I’m no prude but I think that to be respected you need to earn that too and when I see what I see I feel for the kids mainly. What role models! Sad sad sad.

  26. usedcowdealer permalink
    3:02 pm

    Took my grandson to the movies last night. Every pair of sweatpants was there but now I don’t have to be the crabby old fart. I just show people your column. I am eternally indebted.

    • 3:51 pm

      Thank you usedcowdealer,

      Hope you and your grandson enjoyed the show despite the early screening of fat assed teen sweatpants.

      All the best.

      Don

  27. 5:52 pm

    “Unemployable.” That’s perfect! Part of me feels bad for judging kids by the clothes they wear, but another part of me thinks that if you choose to dress like an idiot, you’ve got to assume people are going to think you’re an idiot.

  28. Dr Tim permalink
    9:59 pm

    Dear Don

    I’m sorry to hear that you have been under the weather and hope your recovery is speedy. But, just in case, might this be a good moment to remind your nearest and dearest that you have registered more than one version of your Last Will and Testament? Keep ’em on their toes?

    I enjoyed this repost just as much as the original, although in my case this may be due to early-onset Alzheimer’s (my apologies if somebody has already made this observation, but it is tough to keep track of all the comments between trips to the bathroom. I’m sure you are with me on this one).

    Keep up the good work Don.

    With Very Best Regards

    Dr Tim

  29. paper doll permalink
    2:25 pm

    Don, you are very, very funny! Of course the funniest stuff is what is true! But few make me laugh out loud while reading like you. Are you collecting these gems in a real book( …i.e. not an e book of course..have you done a post on electronic books? I can just hear that one! ) Don, we need your voice! Stay well! and thank you!

    • 11:28 pm

      You’re very kind paper doll.

      I haven’t done a post on electronic books and appreciate the suggestion. Stay well also, paper doll, it’s always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Best regards,

      Don

  30. lianamerlo permalink
    6:38 pm

    I think one day they will actually have advertisements on the back of sweat pants. Sad. They’re already on cars, why not pants.

Trackbacks

  1. Operation Global Media Domination: the Double Millennial Situation « raincoaster

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s