God Damned Television-Watching Young People Make Me Furious
The problem with young people today is that they watch too much television.
When I was a boy, television was like a married couple – it only got turned on once a week and when it did it was formulaic, heavily censored and largely comprised of comedic fumbling. For young people, watching television wasn’t a right, it was a privilege you earned – like allowance, medical care and sleeping indoors.
Televisions had substance in my day. Our first Magnavox weighed 400 pounds, cost a half-years salary and – if the wind was out of the north-east and Venus was in retrograde – could pick up two fuzzy but largely indistinguishable black and white channels.
Half the time you couldn’t tell if you were watching Amos and Andy, the Philco Television Playhouse or a network test pattern but we didn’t care – the primary entertainment of the damned thing was in watching your old dad pound it with his fists, wrestle with the rabbit ears and curse a blue streak over the horizontal hold.
But these young people today, they watch television all the damned time. Every house in the land has 19 of the infernal things and young people aren’t satisfied unless they have access to 6000 channels, super surround sound and a screen the size of Oprah’s forehead.
In my day, we were wary of television and sceptical of its influence but nowadays young people are plugged into the things as soon as they pop out of the womb. They’re plunked in front and left to be raised under the watchful eye of gender ambiguous puppets, anthropomorphised farm animals and an animated explorer who may or may not have her god damned green card.
Television has gone from source of entertainment to occasional child minder to primary caregiver and omnipotent overlord.
And they never turn the wretched thing off. They have it on 24-hours a day. They have them in their washrooms, vehicles, damned hall closets. They eat their meals and move their bowels in front of them. If I had ever asked to have the television playing during dinner hour my old mom would have broadcast her disdain by smacking me senseless with a gravy ladle and then re-running the beating on Tuesday, Thursday and the following Sunday at noon.
Listen, if we don’t smarten up and pull the plug on the damned idiot box soon we’re going to become nothing but a nation of channel surfing, addle-minded nincompoops who wouldn’t know the world had to an end unless Anderson Cooper reported on it live from the gates of Hell.
They watch too much television. That’s the problem with young people today.