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Don Mills Saves America: Part Five – Sex Education

I don’t usually weigh in on political issues but this damned country of ours is driving me to distraction and it’s time someone got it sorted out.

So, for the benefit of any politician who happens across this blog (I use the terms “graft” “pandering”, and “Reaganomics” as tags quite regularly) I am outlining simple steps that can be taken to help create a better America.

Today, I tackle the unpleasant issue of sex education.

For the life of me I can’t understand why the hell anyone in their right mind would want to teach sex education in our damned public schools.  If you ask me, this generation is already too sexually precocious and sure as hell don’t need access to additional tips, pointers or cliffs notes on the fundamentals of adolescent humping.

Here’s a thought…why don’t we defer providing sex education until these damned young people have learned the basics of long division, grammar and are able to read an analog clock. Before we teach them how to locate a clitoris on a woman’s body why don’t we try teaching them how to locate the United States of America on a god damned world map.

Is this really where we want out tax dollars directed? At paying a clowder of frisky, ascot-clad degenerate educators $40,000 a year to demonstrate how to put a condom on a banana or navigate the elaborate fasteners of a woman’s girdle? You can get more bang for your buck by giving kids $50 and sending them down to the docks for a field trip and some hands-on tutoring. It’s cheaper, faster and likely more informative too.

When I was a lad the 3Rs stood for Reading, Writing and Arithmetic – not Rubbing, Writhing and Arousal. I learned about sex the proper way; via guesswork, poorly-illustrated adult playing cards and regular reading of animal husbandry magazines. I thought a vulva was a Swedish automobile until I was 45 and I turned out just fine.

I’ve always believed that when it comes to young people, it’s best to keep information about sex vague, cloaked in shame and tinged with fear of biblical repercussions. Young people should be dissecting rabbits, not learning how to fornicate like them for Christ’s sake.

This sex education nonsense has to end now! Not only is it immoral and indecent but just what kind of workforce are we trying to create here? While other countries are churning out a new generation of biochemists, phrenologists and mechanical engineers, here in America we’re training experts in the fields of heavy petting, hickey trading and advanced hand-jobbery.

And, trust me, if that’s the kind of the skilled workforce we’re trying to create – our economy and our minds are destined to remain firmly and forever in the toilet.

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99 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:06 am

    It seems to me that the rise of sex ed is proportional to the crackdown on underage drinking. I say let the kids have a drink and sort out the sex ed themselves.

    Mr. Mills, as usual, you made my Sunday night.

    • 12:17 am

      Very true bmj2k,

      When I was a boy, if “the talk” happened at all it was over your first drink. Your old dad would take you down to his favorite bar, sneak you a small beer, tell you women were “different” and then draw a crudely constructed road map of the female body on a cocktail napkin.

      And then you never spoke of it again.

      Always nice to hear from you bmj2k. I appreciate your stopping in to visit with me Sunday evenings.

      All the best,

      Don

  2. 12:07 am

    When I was in school, they just started teaching the girls stuff in school. That day we had a double recess and the same day that the girls learned hat they had an advantage over us boys.

    It wasn’t until I obtained a paycheck that I learned that I could even the playing field.

    • 12:24 am

      Many thanks morethananelectrician,

      That’s exactly the kind of damned trouble that comes up when you start filling young people’s heads full of information about sex organs, ovulation and other nasty dangly bits. No one needs to understand the human body! It’s best if it remains a mystery. I thought a clitoris was a flowering vine until I was in my mid-thirties and I still managed to do just fine thank you very much.

      And as you likely know, lad, there is no even playing field. The ladies may allow you to think so now and again but that’s just to lull you into a false sense of security.

      All the best and thanks for stopping by.

      Don

  3. 12:16 am

    Hmm… You look vaguely like that groping kid who didn’t know what to do with his tongue.. back in the 60’s. Did you grow up in Virginia?

    • 12:34 am

      Many thanks Walker,

      Thank Christ, no, I didn’t grow up anywhere near Virginia. I visited once in 1971 and didn’t care for it. Had a bad egg salad sandwich and got in an argument with a cab driver.

      Virginia has always struck me as a place with loose morals. That damned slogan about being “for lovers” makes the place sound like one big seedy, by-the-hour motel. Apparently, “Virginia – home of silk sheets and lube” was the second choice.

      As for my tongue, I’ve always known what to do with it. Keep it civil and in my head and, when the time is right, plant it firmly in cheek.

      All the best Walker,

      Don

      • 12:27 pm

        Bite your tongue, Don. Virginia is a place that probably still has sodomy laws on the books, considering there hasn’t been a formal challenge since Lawrence vs. Texas voided that kind of thing. Once you get south of the line where blue voters give way to red necks the whole state is about as erotic as a John Deere rental garage. Except for maybe pockets around Richmond and Charlottesville, though I actually spent a night in Charlottesville once with a PhD candidate from UVA (almost sings, doesn’t it?) and, well, the only reason I didn’t walk out on him when he jumped up and started gargling with Lavoris was the bus station was closed… oh, you probably don’t want to know.

        • 7:44 pm

          Thanks Sledpress. Consider it bitten.

          There is a lavoris joke in there somewhere but I think after the vulva and clematis I’ll just leave well enough alone. Sounds like an interesting evening but, yes, we should probably stop there.

          Hope you’re well.

          All the best,

          Don

  4. 12:40 am

    My mum says that im not allowed to have the sex until im married. She said that i wont be getting married until i find a girl that can live up to her standards!

    She would probably agree with your stand on not letting the youths of today any light on sexual educations. I got two classes in school before mum called them and i had to go to the library during the rest of the sessions. It was lovely though because i loved the library!

    Keep fighting the good cause, Mr Mills. My mum says that she’ll cheer you on all the way! HOORAY!

    Bob

    • 12:48 am

      Many thanks young Bob,

      Once again your mom has proven herself to be a very sensible woman.

      Personally, even once you’re married I’d suggest you wait a while longer before having sex. Let the lass focus her energy on establishing her household, getting the laundry in line and arranging her weekly recipes before you start pestering her with your manly needs. Give it a year or 18-months, that’s my advice.

      I’m glad to hear you’re a library enthusiast, Bob. Just remember to stay away from the National Geographic and animal husbandry magazines. They could get an impressionable lad like you in all manner of trouble.

      Any my apologies for not having visited, Bob. It’s been a busy few weeks and while I hate to complain, I’ve had a couple of minor health issues that have been keeping me away from the computer. I will most certainly pop by just as soon as I am able.

      All the best to you and your Mom.

      Regards,

      Don

      • 1:03 am

        Thats an even better way of looking at it! I sure do hope that any woman that meets my mums standards would have the household running in tip-top shape before any kind of shenanigans in the bedroom! I dont have to worry about my manly needs as i am level headed and clear of mind and sin! At least, i hope i am! LOSTL!

        Mum says that National Geographic was a pox on the world started by the liberal media to make sure that good, god fearing folks like her would be tempted by sin. And we dont allow any kinds of magazines in our household that arent electronics magazines or ant magazines! So i think we’re safe.

        Oh, dont worry about visiting me, im always out and about anyways. I just love reading your words, Mr Mills, so keep your writing up! and definitely keep your health up as well, i wouldnt want anything bad happening to you!

        Bob

    • Sedate Me permalink
      8:04 pm

      Bob Trusty,

      If you can’t have sex without being swindled into a marriage and the unending pain that entails, it really is better to die a virgin.

  5. 12:56 am

    We need to teach kids how NOT to have sex. Judging by the number of teenage unwed mothers I see, using a banana to illustrate condom placement is NOT working. I advocate salt peter for the boys and chastity belts for the girls.

    • 1:02 am

      Excellent suggestions yellowcat,

      I’d suggest that all we’re doing with these banana/condom demonstrations is instilling a deep aversion to ever eating fresh produce again. I know I’d be hard pressed to eat a banana if I had to sit through some perverted instructed on how to stretch a glow-in-the-dark Trojan over one. Jesus!

      Salt Peter, chastity belts, cold showers and abstinence – that’s the damned solution.

      Nice to hear from you yellowcat,

      Many thanks for visiting.

      Don

  6. robinaltman permalink
    12:57 am

    Don’t worry. They don’t understand a damn thing, anyway. After my oldest son had sex ed, he asked me what a period was. I sat down and drew a wonderful picture of a uterus shedding its lining. He threatened to kill himself.

    • 1:12 am

      Thank you Robin,

      While I take a moment to digest the notion of a uterus shedding its lining, I’ve been meaning to suggest that you consider linking your blog to your user name. That way, people can just click on your name and be taken directly to your fine blog.

      To do so all you need to do is go to your global dashboard, then personal settings, and then add the web address under account details. Just a thought. (googling Robin Altman just leads me to some questionable hippie.)

      Your poor damned soon. Not only was he forced to learn about periods but then…when he goes to his old mom for support, some warm cookies and the assurance that it is nothing he need ever concern himself with – you crack out a number three pencil and start doodling free form pornography.

      That boy is going to need to therapy!

      All the best Robin and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

    • 5:58 pm

      If I were not in a serious realtionship I would attempt to seduce you.

  7. 12:59 am

    Mr. Mills,

    A thoughtful, well-rounded opinion as always. I agree with you that the public schools are out-of-touch. There was nothing they could teach my teenage grandniece Tricia, so her parents enrolled her in a highly-advanced home schooling program, and now she’s doing top-notch work. If she wants to learn about sex education, she has learned the research skills to use the Internet, unlike most of her peers. As adults, we also do have to remember that things always happen for a reason, and that’s why, no matter how many condoms they use or pills they take, some teenagers end up pregnant. When that happens, it’s just meant to be.

    The Codger

    • 2:08 am

      Many thanks thecodger,

      Your grandniece is likely much better off with home schooling. The damned education system is a mess from beginning to end. A shame really – I’ve always held teachers in rather high regard.

      Appreciate your stopping in.

      All the best,

      Don

  8. 1:21 am

    I am afraid the problem is much deeper than that. Not only do we have to contend with children learning about sex, but we have to worry about the Cinemafia pimping children like Miley Cyrus and turning on middle-aged bald fat men.

    • 2:14 am

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      In truth, I’m still not convinced that Miley Cyrus isn’t a middle-aged, balding fat man in disguise. And even if she isn’t – I don’t feel too damned bad for her. She looks like a damned brat.

      And I must say that any middle aged man getting “turned on” but that kind of nonsense should be well and truly ashamed of himself.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        8:10 pm

        Most men who get turned on eventually regret it, or are made to pay for it in one way or another, usually by the women they are with.

      • David permalink
        4:39 am

        You may be onto something here Don – that Miley Cyrus does have a kind of husky male sounding voice.

  9. 1:41 am

    Bring back the nuns, they will scare the little snowflakes out of having sex. No one wants eternal damnation or to go blind😦

    • 2:17 am

      Thank you loon,

      I couldn’t agree more. While I never had any direct contact with the nuns I’ve long been an admirer or their no-nonsense attitudes, stern demeanors, sensible attire and their ability to mete out discipline like nobody’s business.

      All the best,

      Don

  10. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    1:53 am

    I agree school should be about learning academic and career skill, with sports and athletics mixed in. Plus no one pays attention during health class (NY state, sex ed, is mixed in with other topics, and just called health class, I swear there was a chapter in the book about the merits of showering, which if you don’t know by high school, you have bigger issues to deal with). My dad’s a conservative guy, I got the talk at about sixteen, it was short, to the point, and as vague as it was awkward, and thankfully short. That was it, and it was good enough for me.

    • 2:29 am

      Many thanks lookingforsomethingtofind,

      The merits of showering? I wasn’t aware this was an issue of debate. Anything in that book about the relative merits of drinking water?

      I have to say that your “talk” sounds very much like the one I received from my old dad. And despite the fact that it was vague, awkward and thankfully short (which, in retrospect seems remarkably apt) it was good enough for me too.

      All the best, lookingforsomethingtofind and thanks for visiting with me.

      Don

  11. 1:56 am

    Ah, Sex Ed. Now THERE was a guy who could smuggle porn through a convent in broad daylight . . .

    Sorry, Don. Corny play on words there. Ahem.

    Excellant post as always. I still remember poor Mr. Flynn teaching us the goods in Minneapolis, at about the 6th or 7th grade level, and spending the first fifteen minutes explaining how it was forced upon him. When he tried a little trick where we wrote questions on a slip of paper and put them in a box, I asked if it was possible for humans and gorillas to mate and have offspring (true story, Don. I was a curious lad).

    The entire classroom broke out in laughter, and a very red-faced Flynn broke his yardstick on a table top in anger, yelling at us about sex being a serious matter.

    He was old school, and deeply embarrassed.

    A week later, I was fondling budding breasts under the football bleachers. My nipples still hurt just thinking about it.

    I love these heavy issues you’re tackling, my very best aged friend (not including the senior citizen who showed me how to drive mail trucks like Japanese Kamikaze pilots looped on sake). You rock hard, and the amp is always turned to “11”!

    As Bschooled would say, I have no idea what that means.

    Great post!

    • 7:51 pm

      Many thanks Dan,

      I have to admire any comment that includes corny word play, bestiality, sensitive nipples and kamikaze pilots and yet still manages to come off as both wholesome and heartfelt. Well done, Dan. I think I would have enjoyed having you as a classmate.

      Thanks for the laugh Dan – I appreciate it.

      All the best,

      Don

    • 6:20 am

      i’m shocked!! 😯 how on earth did they grow breasts under the football bleachers, and what made you think to look for them under there?

    • Sedate Me permalink
      8:14 pm

      Mr Flynn teaching sex-ed?

      Most of what I learned about sex came from Mr Larry Flynt.

  12. The Celtic Queen permalink
    11:05 am

    I have to say Don that most of our sex education was from other classmates. A far cry from the reality of how things really were.
    My mother and father told us nothing so I grew up with only the knowledge that I gained from the others at school. In a way I’m glad as I really wasn’t your bit showing cheer leading type anyway so keeping covered in Scotland was vitally important if only to keep out the cold. You could catch cold in the kidney’s easily over there lol. That wasn’t to say I wasn’t short of admirers as I wasn’t a bad looker at school. I was the long blonde hair type, mad about the Mod look at about 14. I thought fashion was more important than sex ed. You had to have ‘THE LOOK’
    I was one of the fortunate ones who didn’t menstruate till I was almost 14 so felt ‘lucky’ in a way. After all if kissing boys or holding hands could get you pregnant I stood a better chance if I didn’t have a period. We attended school socials and things so kissing a boy wasn’ t unusual.
    There is so much on TV, priint media and the internet I think the kids could probably teach the teachers a thing or two.
    I’m all for finding it out for yourself, if makes life so much more interesting. My husband was 19 and I was 15 going on 16 when we met. We didn’t marry till I was 24 but we had a great time getting to know each other. We had our careers to establish first so we taught each other and I thought he was such a man of the world lol. Kids these days have sex the same night they meet so what do they talk about when you finish? With multiple partners I might add. We found our way with no formal sex education and have been together for over 35 years and never needed to exhibit outward shows of affection or flesh. The people I know who are lovely dovey and all over each as usually the ones at each others throats behind closed doors.
    I always thought that what you couldn’t see always conjured up much more and got your imagination going.
    I’m glad we had no sex education as I think there’s far too much emphasis on sex thee days.

    The strange thing is both my kids are the same. My daughter is 34 and married to her second boyfriend and my son’s partner is the 14 year old girl he met at Rupertswood College. He’s now 32 and she’s 30. All madly in love and not fans about sex being taught in school. I’m glad I’m not a 12, 13 or 14 year old in today’s world. I wonder how many will ever be truly happy?

    • 7:59 pm

      Many thanks Celtic Queen,

      My upbringing wasn’t entirely different (although I don’t believe I ever had a “look”). Most of what I learned I picked up second hand from extremely ill-informed classmates. Separating the truth from the fiction from the very disturbing science fiction was half the fun and took the better part of my first 10 years of marriage.

      Thanks very much for the comment, Celtic Queen.

      All the best,

      Don

  13. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    11:12 am

    Don –

    Not sure your readers are familiar with the concept of a ‘living funeral’, but, it is just what it sounds like: a funeral for the living. I propose such a funeral for the values that have devolved over a generation or two and which you graciously try to revive and maintain on life support week after week. Don, you are the embodiment of common sense, decency, personal responsibility, fairness, work ethic, civic duty, good manners, and grand master extraordinaire of the ability to differentiate right from wrong.

    Although I sometimes espouse a liberal agenda, people are often surprised to learn that, at my core, I am deeply conservative. I get to don that conservative cloak when I visit your web site where I come to 1) get entertained 2) am reminded of values mentioned in paragraph one and 3) get my moral compass tweaked and reset. Sometimes, I feel my shoulders shaking and I hear a “wake up, girl!” so I pull that cloak tighter and strain a little harder to listen.

    Families have fractured to such an extent that children are not being ‘raised’ anymore. I would not be surprised if in 10-20 years, schools started setting up cots in the gymnasium as it seems they are doing most of the parenting nowadays. We are edging closer to needing background checks and a license (to procreate) as the Humane Society requires. So, I propose a toast and gratitude in my living funeral to all that you embody, Don: common sense, decency, personal responsibility, fairness, work ethic, civic duty, good manners, and grand master extraordinaire of the ability to differentiate right from wrong.

    • 8:12 pm

      Many thanks Elizabeth,

      I appreciate your very kind words.

      I’m of the opinion that 99% of the problems I’ve identified and discussed have their cause, at the root, in the fact that families no longer raise children. Children don’t just go to school anymore – they start day care at 6 months, transition into before and after school programs at 3 and generally spend their first 6 years raised by complete strangers. I see 5 year olds on my street that are in institutions 12 hours a day 5-days a week and I find it worrisome.

      I realize it’s not very “modern” or “progressive” but I really can’t help but feel children had such a better chance when a parent was there to see them off to school, see them at lunch and be waiting with a glass of milk and a snack when they came home from school.

      I realize that in this day and age most people think both parents need to work in order to make ends meet (and they may be right) but I have a very bad feeling about a generation of children raised by day care centres, before and after school programs and the school system but sadly devoid of parents or parenting.

      All the best Elizabeth. Always nice to hear from you.

      Don

      • elizabeth3hersh permalink
        8:52 pm

        Don,

        I wanted to incorporate what you wrote (you did a far better job) in my earlier comment, but felt it might be perceived as incendiary commentary by feisty feminists (you have the honor of ‘ducking’). It seems society could benefit by reading The Moynihan Report published in 1965 by Daniel Patrick Moynihan. Although the report focused on the deterioration of African-American families and the socio-politico ramifications, the observations and prognostications are just as valid today (for all races) as they were in ’65. A child needs at least one parent to focus solely on their upbringing, provide continuity of care, and to love the holy hell out of them. A commenter on your last post introduced us to the concept of ‘stufficide’. I immediately latched onto that word and plan to incorporate it into my lexicon. Seems like the acquisition of ‘stuff’ fuels so much that is wrong with this world (which further leads to parental estrangement via time constraints). Thank you, Don, for your well crafted follow-up comment. I needed the validation.

        • Elmako permalink
          10:18 pm

          Dear Elizabeth,

          It seems to me that stufferianism has become a universal religion. I was in shock when I saw the first t-shirt that read “The one that dies with the most toys wins”, and realized that for many, it had become an all consuming way of life with precedence over family, kids, spiritual and social values…
          When children see nothing other than that, and it becomes their moral compass and the cycle perpetuates.
          Folks have no time for their children because they are playing with their toys. My father had a set of golf clubs and that was it.
          Many “Good Books” describe passages into adulthood where childish things are to be put away, yet this seems to be largely ignored by those that follow the “me first” philosophy of life.
          Added to this is the concept that tax money will cure all ill’s, and schools are largely run by tax money, so it seems to give many the belief that they are absolved from parenting, social responsibility, charity, volunteerism…
          But all is not bleak, Don is well on the way to saving the World, and like you, I find his words very interesting.

          All the best,

          Elmako

          • elizabeth3hersh permalink
            11:03 pm

            American homes are brimming with clutter. Greed (guilty as charged) has become a societal malignancy. Purging/downsizing has been a personal journey of mine over the last decade. I lament squandered years spent on the acquisition and maintenance of ‘stuff’. Once I complete my eBaying and craigslisting, I plan to indulge by reading a biography on J. Robert Oppenheimer and exclaiming “free at long last!” Nice to know we are all on the same page! You and Don have done a nice job of articulating the problem.

            P.S. As to schools and parenting, most, if not all, public schools now offer breakfast (breakfast!), and in some communities, weekend ‘food packs’. Parents cannot be counted on (or apparently bothered) to feed their sprog breakfast. Dinner, showers, cot and TV viewing room coming soon giving “nanny state” a whole new meaning.

            • Elmako permalink
              7:21 am

              Dear Elizabeth,

              Bravo! I thought I was the only one on the face of the Earth (and I say this with all modesty) with the fortitude to purchase all in sight to prevent those of lesser fortitude from suffering the indignity of stufferianism while still tending to the moral upbringing of later generations and fighting tooth and nail to stay below the “Hoarders” radar.
              I was so designated by the voices in my head when I was first led to the serendipitous wonders of Ebay oh so much empty space in my home ago.
              Craigslist eh? That will certainly cut down my responses to Mr Mills et al… But, Stuff??? I can take it or leave it, and the kids are just fine…

        • Sedate Me permalink
          8:46 pm

          Daniel Patrick Moynihan. I think every time I saw the man, he was wearing a bow tie. Nice, smart, funny, nerdy, with a bit of a lisp and wouldn’t stand a hope in Hell of getting elected today.

          And wasn’t he the Senator Dick Cheney told to “Go fuck yourself” on the floor of the Senate on the very same day the Senate passed the Defence of Decency Act that hugely increased FCC fines for airing such profanity? Or was that Patrick Leahy? Hard to keep all those damned Irish Senators straight.

      • The Celtic Queen permalink
        4:08 am

        I couldn’t agree more Don. My best friend’s son and his wife had 3 boys in rather a hurry. One is 6 one 5 the other 20 months. All go to some sort of before and after care. They are not home before 6 any evening then the 6 year old goes to Scouts the other goes to Judo and the baby goes to bed. It’s like boot camp and there’s not much time for parenting. Most of the time the grandparents are called on and have to drive for miles to pick up kids. The thing is the parents are both physios and usually have meetings to attend after work and now the mother has been diagnosed with bone cancer in her left leg so is still working while having Chemo!!!!! I don’t know why she just doesn’t stick them in an orphanage and be done with it as she never has time for any of them. She has another month of chemo and then sees a surgeon who will determine the outcome. They never ever sit down with their children and eat a meal together as there’s too much going on. Kids walking around with food in their hands and yelling at each other. I get crazy just watching . The 6 year old calls his mother a ‘PIG’ and she thinks it’s just a stage he’s going though. He packs his own lunch and school bag and from his parents you hear remarks like, “if you’ve forgotten something you just won’t have it” Bad bad parenting from professional people. God help those kids.
        I hope her health issue is rectified because presently they have too much going on in their very short lives without losing a mother.
        I’m with you I stayed home with mine and have told my kids that if they consider having a family consider staying home to raise them.

  14. 11:24 am

    We could kill two birds with one stone by bringing back Wood Shop.

    And as far as I know, the Vulva is still a Swedish automobile. Nicely done Mr. Mills, your common sense is needed now more than ever.

    • 8:14 pm

      Many thanks fundamentaljelly,

      Appreciate the confirmation on the vulva, lad. I was still a little uncertain. And I fully support a reintroduction of wood shop (frankly, I didn’t know it had gone). Nothing like a bandsaw accident to take the starch out of a young Romeo’s collar.

      Best regards,

      Don

  15. 11:47 am

    At my school kids learned more about sex from the music teacher than they did in “Sex Education”.

    • 8:15 pm

      Thank you blogmella,

      Those music teachers are almost as bad as the sex-ed ones. Any just as likely to be sporting an ascot.

      Many thanks for the visit,

      Don

  16. 12:51 pm

    Damn straight, Don. When I was a lad, a playboy mag and Ginny from down the street were the only things I ever needed. When I was nine: “Dad, what’s sex?” Dad: Say that word again and I”’ll tan yer hide.”

    • 8:21 pm

      Thank you Jammer,

      Exactly. You didn’t need some pencil neck with a Venn Diagram and penis-related puppet show to set you down the right path. All a lad ever really needed in order to learn about the birds and the bees was an outgoing neighbor and a little time spent rummaging through his old dad’s garage.

      Best regards,

      Don

  17. 1:01 pm

    “hand jobbery” hahaha…..a Master’s Degree in Hand Jobbery will get you a job in a high-class brothel.

    • 8:28 pm

      Thank you TPB,

      As long as they’re not making the sandwiches at my local diner, I don’t care where the hell they end up. Mark my words, TPB, at this rate it won’t be long before we’re giving out post-graduate degrees in beast backing, hoochie-koochism and advanced boinking.

      Disgraceful.

      All the best. I hope you’re keeping well.

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        8:56 pm

        Mr Mills,

        Speaking of the Hoochie-Coochie, didn’t most men your age see their first naked woman by sneaking a peek through the “Hoochie Coochie” tent at the travelling carnival?

  18. 2:19 pm

    Right on Don. During your day they didn’t teach sex ed and you didn’t have the problems of unwed teenage pregnancies.

    Then again in your day, women got married at 13 so….

    • 9:56 pm

      Many thanks Bearman,

      Some waited a tad longer but anything over 25 was deemed to be suspicious.

      Nice to hear from you, lad.

      Hope you’re keeping well.

      Don

  19. 3:35 pm

    We need to bring back more drivein theatres, lower the drinking age to seventeen, and give our kids old cars with huge backseats. Maybe leave our bag of weed out and hope they steal a little.

    That was the education my generation got. It’s more than good enough for young folks now.

    • 6:07 pm

      Sounds like Freshman year of high school.

    • 4:05 pm

      Many thanks sekanblogger,

      I’m all for more drive-in movie theatres and roomy automobiles but I’m a firm believer in upping the drinking age to 40 and doing whatever is required to stamp out god damned reefer madness.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  20. 6:07 pm

    No See you are wrong.

    Sex education, is a good thing because we can’t stop these little bastards from fucking. it’s impossible. They sneak out and sneak in if you know what I mean. So we need to focus on damage control. Keep thing form making new brats and keep them from spreading the crotch rot.

    The condom is our friend. The condom keeps more dumb people from coming into existence. It stops the aids. Male condoms, female condoms, teach them everything about it. I don’t want my tax dollars to pay for their babies they gave birth to at fifteen.

    And wile your at it please for gods sake, explain to boys that not all girls like them or ever will. If it keeps another person for trying to offer me money for sex at bus stop I’ll be happy, I don’t care how indecent the class is, it’s noit as indecent as random stranger in his thirties walking up to me and offering me 15 dollars for two hours of “Fun” after a car ride. I had to pull out a taser an pepper spray and threaten to introduce them th his rear.

    Seriously. I want less stupid people. Theorticly More birthcontrol more condoms less stupid people.

    • 4:16 pm

      You make an interesting (if colorful) point, Rose.

      I would agree that if someone requires 9 weeks of intensive in-class training on the proper use of a contraceptive we likely don’t want him or her reproducing any time soon but I still don’t see why they can’t just read the damned package or ask one of their idiot friends.

      Last time I checked the instruction manual on a condom was pretty straightforward. There weren’t a lot of tools required, no heavy lifting and little if any awkward dowels and dovetailing. No rubber hammers, robertson screwdrivers or allen keys needed.

      Keep tasering Rose. Sooner or later people will get the message.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 7:36 pm

        I didn’t actaully Taze him he ran away. I’m still insulted. I think I;d be worth at least a fifty?

    • Sedate Me permalink
      9:02 pm

      $15 for two hours of fun in the car? Damn, I wish I lived in a buyers market like that.

      I haven’t seen prices like that since the days of the Drive-in movies. Actually, maybe that’s what he was offering, to pay for a night at the local Drive-in.

  21. 1:42 am

    Girdles ! HA! If only young women wore them! It might delay the “activity”.
    and they can fornicate like rabbits with or without sex ed. Trust me, I know. I grew up when you did.

    We don’t really need more sex ed, we need more education on sex. This means the whole kit and kaboodle— the emotional, drippy, over-advertised, culture of fake-love-sex that young people are buying into is not teaching them anything but how to get on the next reality show.

    OH yeah, and young-uns need a little less tv, a little more self-respect and whole lotta education on the right to control their own bodies. But if they don’t get it now, they’ll pick it up by age 40. That’s when we really grow up and we really get the whole self-confidence thing. Until then, sex ed is under taught. They need an entire year of it, not a 3 day teaser.

    • 4:32 pm

      Thank you A. Woz,

      If what you are suggesting is spending some time and energy disabusing young people of foolish romantic ideals and instilling a decent understanding of matrimonial roles and responsibilities than count me in.

      And I tend to agree with your notion that most young folks won’t really come to any level of self-understanding or self-awareness until they hit 40. Real knowledge, of course, comes at 80.

      All the best,

      Don

  22. 2:43 am

    I totally agree….all the kids have to do is turn on prime time tv (heck… anytime of day for that matter) and they’ll get all the information they need.

  23. 11:21 am

    I’m pretty sure we need to fund sex ed like we need another hole in our heads. What was wrong with the old days when kids were told the stork brought them or they were found under a cabbage leaf? Then you could get even more confused when The Talk with all its euphemisms about birds and bees was delivered.

    I’m pretty sure that all the information is readily available on the WWW at present, so I see no reason why our tax dollars should be wasted teaching what passes for sex ed in school. I say buy the little bastards all a copy of “The Joy of Sex” and let them work it out for themselves.

    The real trouble is that “sex ed” (at least in this part of the world) is actually “abstinence from sex ed” and all you have to do is observe the fact that the county that I live in has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy in the nation to see how that is working out. (Too bad that so many of those young people were impregnated by their relatives, but hey.) The truth is that teenagers have been mesmerized by the possibility of having sex since the dawn of time. Now, with all the two parent working households out there, the empty houses with their latchkey children provide ample opportunity for self education.

    Oh, and I don’t know how it is where you live, but where I live the “health class” that was teaching sex ed sent home anatomical diagrams that completely ignored the existence of the the clitoris, so I don’t think you have to worry about that little tidbit of information leaking out. It wasn’t there in the diagram, and nowhere in the literature was it mentioned. Frankly, since they were quite thorough in the male anatomical drawing, I felt this was a fairly unequal opportunity teaching, and informed my son that he should ask about this oversight in the next class as if an entire class of young men got into adulthood without knowing this critical piece of information it could definitely hamper their dating experiences in college. His response was “MOM!” vocalized with at least four very embarrassed and shocked syllables.

    • 6:18 pm

      Many thanks healingmagichands,

      I suspect you are correct about the information being available on the world wide web. At the library too. Or the local pool hall. And on the street corner as well. In fact, it seems like sex advice is pretty much available anywhere and everywhere you care to look.

      But I still think that before we start doling out “The Joy of Sex” we might want to ask young people to read Strunk and White’s Elements of Style, The Call of the Wild, some form of basic history and maybe the first few pages of a math textbook.

      Glad to see you’re paying attention to your son’s learning (although he may not feel the same way). Can’t say I’m surprised by the notable absence. Apparently curriculum development is still a man’s game.

      All the best,

      Don

  24. 1:40 pm

    Don;

    I never did trust anyone who wore an ascot.

    ’nuff said.

    • 12:32 pm

      Thank you Friar.

      Nor should you. They’re a dangerous and unreliable lot.

      All the best,

      Don

  25. 10:43 pm

    Good call, Don. I’ve never understood why Sex-Ed is being taught in schools anyway. Really, it’s like learning to ride a bike. Sure, you can give a few basic pointers (Quit talking! Face down, I said!), but after that it’s really just a matter of practice makes perfect.

    Every boyfriend I’ve ever had has said that there’s no such thing as a clitoris, and a good 50% of these guys were well-educated men with a GED under their belt. Why bother trying to fix something that isn’t there to begin with?

    Next thing you know kids will be taking “Puff The Magic Dragon-Ed”. Or “Where To Find A Decent Hooker For Only $50” classes.

    Just like girdles and hand-jobbery, it’s all a big waste of time.

    Wonderful (and arousal-free) post as always, Don.

    Your friend,
    Bschooled

    • 12:43 pm

      Thank you Bschooled,

      Sound thinking. My brother York used to say that sex and bike riding had a great deal in common in that, according to him, both were best enjoyed outdoors and on your own. That was right about the time we had his medication readjusted.

      Many thanks for visiting, Bschooled.

      All the best,

      Don

  26. mediamugshot permalink
    2:22 am

    Now when it comes to hand-jobbery, does it make a difference whether this is with someone else or self inflicted?

    • 12:47 pm

      Thank you mediamugshot,

      I suspect that might be one of the questions on the final handjobbery exam and, frankly, I’m not sure I want to read the 500 word essay that is written in response.

      Best regards,

      Don

  27. cleverlittlemiss permalink
    2:47 am

    I remember this ‘guest speaker’ coming by my history class in 7th grade to talk to us about sex…it was humiliating. My mom pulled the shame card on my siblings and I so I was mortified when the speaker was trying to talk to us about using condoms and talking to our parents about birth control if we decided to have sex. Then I was scared to death of sex because she showed us pictures of people with HORRIBLY spread STDs. My mom was upset that they had someone talk to us without informing her but when she saw that I was pretty repulsed at the idea of sex she let it go.

    • 12:06 am

      Many thanks cleverlittlemiss,

      I have to admit I hadn’t fully considered the notion that if properly executed, sex ed could actually traumatize young people to the point where they find the notion repugnant. This has given me pause to reconsider my views.

      Still, I can’t help but think there is no need to educate young folks on STDs in the classroom when there are fine films like this readily available:

  28. ferxist permalink
    8:51 am

    Sir,

    The point of teaching kids about sex is to prevent them from experimenting. Look at me. I had sex education (albeit just two hours of it) and I’m 90% sure I’m becoming a doctor. The point of sex education is to prevent them from the experimentation that leads to degenerate sexual practices. Teach them what you want them to learn before they learn something else from someone else.

    Jonathan Ferxist

    • 12:12 am

      Many thanks Jonathan,

      If I really believed that the point of sex ed was to curb those frisky young people’s impulses, I’d be a firm supporter, lad, but I remain unconvinced. I would have thought providing them with the basic “how to” manual would only lead to experimentation and degenerate sexual practices.

      A question, Jonathan, if you don’t mind. I realize you only had 2 hours of instruction but what the hell do the teachers give you by way of homework in sex ed?

      All the best son. And I’ve said it before but I’m sure you’ll make an excellent doctor.

      All the best,

      Don

      • ferxist permalink
        2:57 am

        Sir,

        They didn’t give homework. It was not a full education, more of a seminar, worth two hours.

        Besides, it was in a Catholic school. I’m a very conservative Catholic schoolboy who just so happens to have exactly three vices.

        Alternative sex education proposal: We disgust the hell out of little children, making them celibate little angels.

        No, I’m kidding. Think of the trauma.

        Ah, for homework, yes. I like to think the homework was a step by step procedure: “Love person. Marry person. Go to bed with her.” Not following instructions means a grade of negative, um, something. It will definitely mess with my life if I don’t follow it like that.

        Hoping for your good health,
        Jonathan Ferxist

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      10:01 am

      Well it obviously didn’t work for some now did it? lol

  29. 9:01 pm

    I think older ladies (aka cougars) should charitably take young men under their care and teach them what they need to know.

    Taking cougar applications now.

    Eat your oat bran, Don!

    • 12:13 am

      Many thanks Caleb,

      As long as my tax dollars aren’t paying for it I say “what the hell, have at ‘er.” I just don’t need to hear the details.

      Good luck with the applications.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  30. 6:38 pm

    Can’t we teach them how to find America AND the clitoris. Please!?

    • 11:57 pm

      Thank you Dolce,

      Once we manage to get 98% of American youth to find the USA 99% of the time I’d be willing to consider it. Until then – let them be like damned Columbus and stumble upon it themselves.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        8:59 pm

        Columbus discovered the clitoris? Somebody should name a day after him.

  31. Rachel Zehava permalink
    10:56 pm

    Unfortunately, ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away. Ignore the subject of sex education and you wind up with far too many pregnant teens. And don’t get me started on STDs! The reason why young people are too sexually active (and so irresponsible about it) is due to bad parenting. That’s why schools must take on the roles of parents and teach teenagers about safe sex. We can’t force parents to teach their kids about safe sex, but we can force public schools. I’m not sure why you would want to abolish this since it will wind up costing more taxpayer money to take care of the children put up for adoption by teenagers who didn’t know how to properly use a condom.

    • 11:55 pm

      Many thanks Rachel and welcome.

      First off, I can assure you that I have no intention of getting you started on STDs. It would be entirely inappropriate and I’m quite certain that your mother would not approve.

      You make several good points, Rachel, and I’m inclined to agree that lousy parenting has played a significant role in the decline of young people’s moral standards. Having that, I remain unconvinced that providing sex ed in schools makes any meaningful difference or that it is the best use of my damned tax dollars.

      Very nice to hear from you and I appreciate your stopping in.

      Don

  32. Iejir2127 permalink
    2:23 pm

    My sex-ed actually wasn’t too bad. In 5th grade we had an hour where they split up the girls and guys, then spent the time teaching us about our own parts. Then we had a two hour guest speaker in 6th grade teach us about everything else. Mostly about abstinence and STDs. They told us about using a mysterious thing called “protection” but didn’t tell us what these things were specifically. The clitoris was not mentioned in either. Then again, my school was, and still is, ridiculously underfunded. Then again, my school has a few pregnant girls here. One of which is in a grade lower than me. That’s just sad. Being 15, I like to think that I turned out ok. 13th in my class, 94% GPA, on my schools soccer team and proudly still a virgin. Got into a class later this month that only 20 people would be chosen for, and it was mainly for Juniors and Seniors, but I get to take it as a Sophomore.

  33. Sedate Me permalink
    5:20 pm

    The Sex Education in my school was as useful and enjoyable as 3rd Bush term would have been.

    The best thing I can say is that my school’s Sex-ed began about the right time for my day, Grade 7 or 8 for boys, earlier for girls. (Boys got anti-smoking lessons instead and, curiously, far fewer boys went on to become smokers than the girls.)

    Unfortunately, they might as well have been teaching plumbing in shop class. Tubes, flows, basins, reservoirs, disinfectants and other mind-numbing crap. It was all anatomy, but everything was a cross sectional diagram. Cold, clinical, and boring as hell. It was completely detached from what we wanted to know:

    A) Let’s see it!
    B) How do we get some?
    C) How do we do it right, so we can get some more?

    The social aspects were completely left out. No advice. No tips on protocol. Outside of the very important birth control and disease prevention, there was absolutely nothing that could possibly help us in our real lives. (Like most classes, actually.)

    At least in the 50’s, silly as they were, they had instructional films that at least gave you an idea of how to conduct yourself in social situations. Unlike today’s instructional videos from the likes of Lady Gaga and Britney Spears, these videos were put together by responsible, educated, professionals.

    Of course, you still learned nothing about sex, but at least you were made socially adept enough to get some and figure it out for yourself from there.

    But when it comes to Sex-ed this is the perhaps the ultimate clip.

    Quite honestly, aside from the hilarity, this skit actually contained more useful information than all my Sex-ed classes combined.

  34. 9:01 pm

    The clitoris is a myth. Google it.

    PS that Rachel girl looks cute.

  35. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    9:52 pm

    From The Associated Press in today’s Las Vegas Review-Journal:

    “A proposed sex education program that teaches fifth-graders the different ways people have intercourse and first-graders about gay love has infuriated parents and forced the (Helena, MT) school board to take a closer look at the issue.

    Parents appeared most worried about pieces of the plan that teaches first-graders about same gender relationships, fifth graders that sexual intercourse includes vaginal, oral or anal penetration…teach kindergartners anatomical terms such as penis, vagina, breast, nipples, testicles, scrotum and uterus…”

    Italics mine (as if I needed to add any). I’m too stunned to comment.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      4:49 pm

      I think Kindergartners already know about nipples. I think it’s really just a “refresher course” to keep their knowledge up to date.

      Actually, thanks to the Internet, most 5th Graders already know more about sex than I did graduating from High School. They can’t read, spell, or do math, but they sure as hell can tell you what a Reverse Cowboy, a Dirty Sanchez, or a Rusty Trombone is.

    • 5:12 pm

      FYI, Don, a reverse Cowboy is a ride at the Calgary Stampede.

      I haven’t tried it myself yet, but let’s just say the week isn’t over! LOL!

      (?)

  36. laurayvette permalink
    3:33 am

    I’m a second year college student, and the only ‘sex ed’ I got in public school went a little like this:
    Monday: Here’s a diagram of the female reproductive system, and here’s a diagram of the male reproductive system.
    Tuesday: Here’s how the menstruation process works.
    Wednesday: Never have sex.
    Thursday: Never have sex.
    Friday: Never have sex.

    That’s it. One week in seventh grade health class. No, ‘this is how to use a condom’ or, ‘if you are going to have sex, here’s how to do it without catching an STD or getting pregnant.’

    Unfortunately, that’s how most sex ed classes across the country are.
    Whole lot of good this ‘only teach abstinence’ method is doing.

    Relax- no one is being taught how to put on a condom.

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