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All I Want for Christmas is an Easy Bake Meth Lab!

Until recently I had been blissfully unaware of the fact that Mattel had released a Barbie doll that comes replete with tattoos.

Assuming that we have now finally and firmly driven a stake through the heart of common decency, and given that the holiday season is upon us, the old folks at Donco are pleased to pick up where Mattel left off and introduce our new and updated line of classic children’s toys.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder G.I. Joe

Now with scars that you can’t see!

Warning: Fragile

The hotly anticipated P.T.S.D. G.I. Joe will get a hero’s welcome when your young son finds him waiting under the Christmas tree this year.

This all plastic, combat-seasoned G.I. Joe comes complete with a kung fu grip, debilitating flashbacks, repetitive night terrors and a replica Bowie knife.

Your children will have hours of fun and learn valuable problem-solving skills as they help a real American hero reintegrate into civilian life and navigate an indifferent health care system in search of treatment for his substance abuse, occupational instability and generalized anxiety.

Monopoly (Occupy Version)

Forget building houses, amassing wealth and constructing hotels – in this special edition version of the classic board game you simply plonk your token down on Boardwalk, wave a placard and then wait patiently for someone to change the rules of the game.

A popular time-waster that is 99% guaranteed to provide months of non-stop, polarizing entertainment.

Mr. Heavily Pierced-Potato Head

Adorn this spud with studs!

In addition to the standard eyes and ears, this lovable classic comes complete with a wide assortment of hoops, bolts, flesh tunnels, barbells and plugs. Create countless variations and endless atrocities as you adorn your favourite starchy tuber with genital piercings, nose studs and good old fashioned nipple rings.

(Coming soon; Mrs. Pot Head and the always amusing Mr. Couch Potato Head)

Easy Bake Meth Lab

Crank out the Ice!

Say goodbye to cookies and cakes. The cool girls know that the real money is in home-based drug production.

Ephedrine and light bulb not included.

View Master 3-D (Now with Porn)

It’s a peepshow for the pre-pubescent.

An entry level depravity for young people who aren’t quite ready to have their google security settings changed to “deviant,” the View Master 3-D is guaranteed to desensitize even the most naive sprog in your household.

Using brightly colored stereograms, the View Master provides a guided introduction to the world of mainstream pornography through of the adventures of sexually curious cartoon chipmunks Jose and Charlene.

Nicotine Patch Kids

It’s never too early to teach youngsters how to kick the addictions they’re bound to pick up once high school rolls around and these novelty dolls are the perfect gateway to adulthood.

Made of coarse yellow burlap, these interactive play things gain weight, grow irritable and cough up phlegm when patted gently on the back. Each comes complete with a 6 month supply of decreasing dosage intradermal nicotine patches, carrot sticks and one menthol cigarette in a sealed glass case to assist with an inevitable relapse.

Also in this line: “Jack-Daniels-in-the-Box” and “Bennie Babies.”

Hoarder Ken Doll

The perfect companion to tramp stamp Barbie, this Ken is a modern man with a decent job, a dirty secret and OCD.

Now living in the dilapidated Camper Van, Hoarder Ken comes complete with 600 pounds of old newspaper, countless boxes of active swim wear, a wide range of animal feces and enough inner shame to keep your young ones enthralled and appalled for weeks at a time.

Coming next from Donco: “Haggardy Ann” (the gin-swilling housewife), “The Real Game of Life” and “Barrel of Monkeys on my Back.”

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130 Comments leave one →
  1. brian permalink
    8:13 pm

    What would a Donald Mills doll look like?

    • 8:32 pm

      Thank you Brian,

      I’m not sure anyone would want a Don Mills doll but if there was one I would it hope it would come with a drawstring in the back – each time a young person pulled the string, “My Little Donny” would provide them with some sage advice like “sit up straight”, ” “stop your damned bellyaching,” or “when I was your age I already had a job.”

      Hopefully I’d also come with a kung fu grip.

      All the best, Brian, and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  2. 8:21 pm

    Hahahahaha I love this blog.
    And what a brilliant idea for toys!
    Some artist did product a set of trailer trash barbies. (Can’t remember who)
    One of them was pregnant, tattooed and of course shocking for barbie, unmarried.
    I like the GI Joe idea, a lot.

    • 8:43 pm

      Thank you Tin Roof Press,

      It’s a shame that Barbie’s morals have slackened so. It won’t be long before she comes complete with a tin of Skoal and a 2 week course of penicillin.

      Thank God skipper turned out okay.

      All the best and thanks for popping in. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

      • mysterycoach permalink
        10:57 pm

        Skipper! OMG! I forgot all about her! LOL !!!!

  3. 8:25 pm

    I’m glad to see you are continuing to find ways to make money in your retirement. All of these toys are a must have for todays miscreants, I mean, children. With the right marketing, you could amass a fortune in a short time and have previously unknown relatives over for dinner every Sunday.

    • 8:53 pm

      Thank you Yellowcat,

      Unfortunately, the manufacturing side of Donco isn’t really running at full capacity.

      In fact, at the moment it consists solely of me, a half dozen assorted screws, a bucket of rusty nails, a pitcher of rusty nails, a sheet of plywood and a ball-peen hammer.

      So, amassing a small fortune may not be in the cards. The upside, obviously, is that I’ll continue to have my evenings free to complain about known relatives who never call, write or show up for Sunday dinner.

      Very nice to hear from you. I trust you’re keeping well.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        2:47 pm

        Sir, if only you were one of those exalted “job creators” we keep hearing about. Donco would then have the money to build dozens of factories and employ thousands of Asian kids to make these toys. You would also keep American kids occupied, both by playing with the toys and stealing money from their parents to pay for them.

        Alas, you are but a mere human being. One of the best, mind you, but still a mere human.

  4. 8:26 pm

    Aren’t these already on the market?

    I think you forgot to mention the “Sticker-Shock” Real Housewife doll, with her empty shopping cart.

    Thanks for another great piece, Don!

    • 8:56 pm

      Thank you Elyse,

      They may well be. I’m fairly sure the kids down the street have been using an Easy Bake Meth Lab for months now. I’ll look into the real housewife dolls but I’m not sure I can round up enough plastic to cover off their faces, breasts and credit cards.

      I appreciate your stopping in.

      All the best,

      Don

  5. 9:19 pm

    Don, you’re a hoot. I was cackling over your title in my email before I even clicked to get over here. I completely understand how a tattooed Barbie pushed you over the edge. I’ll be a while recovering from that myself. Meantime, I absolutely must have that Monopoly set!

    • 9:25 pm

      Thank you PiedType,

      Apparently, body art Barbie was released (or should I say unleashed) a couple of years back. It wasn’t until I was cleaning out some old newspapers that I happened upon it.

      I’ll be sure to send you an “Occupy Boardwalk” Monopoly set as soon as they’re in production. I just need to speak to my banker to see if I can tap into the Community Chest and secure some start up funding. Once that’s done, I’m off to the damned races.

      All the best and many thanks for visiting, PiedType. Always nice to hear from you.

      Don

  6. 9:29 pm

    I enjoyed tis one.at first when I saw the title in my reader I was a littke leery as to open and read it.I am glad I did thanls for the chuckle.

    • 9:35 pm

      Thank you mjgolch,

      I admit the trouble is a tad worrisome. Thanks for taking the risk.

      All the best,

      Don

  7. 9:54 pm

    Love it. You are so dead on!

    • 10:06 pm

      Thank you kindly Karen,

      I get nervous when the word “dead” is thrown about in reference to me but nonetheless, I appreciate the sentiment.

      All the best,

      Don

      • mysterycoach permalink
        11:00 pm

        “dead” hahaha! oh man… yes, I do not have anything else to do right now but to scroll down the amusing thread of comments here in your blog and I’m enjoying it immensely.
        MC

  8. 10:04 pm

    Don, you are always able to take my mind off the fact that the planet is careening of a cliff. There was a commercial on TV the other day of earnest, break-your-heart adorable little girls talking about what what Barbie means to them because “she shows us that we can follow our dreams and be anything we want to be.” And I thought how true that is, as long as being anything you want to be includes having tattoos, mammoth breasts, a mane of enough hair to accomodate 10 people, and feet permanently shaped for stiletto heels.

    • 10:30 pm

      Thank you lifeintheboomerlane,

      And careening off a cliff it most certainly is….in a pink Corvette.

      Seems to me that there are no shortage of poor role models for girls out there today. A five minute trip around the television dial makes that abundantly clear.

      All the best lifeintheboomerlane and many thanks for popping by.

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      2:54 pm

      Yeah, that “follow your dreams” stuff was the one redeeming thing about Barbie.

      Unfortunately, I guess the dreams of today’s girls must be to die in an back alley after an overdose or a trick gone bad.

  9. 10:10 pm

    Donald you are AMAZING. I just can’t believe that Barbie has a tramp-stamp. Egad!

    • 10:33 pm

      Thank you TheMindOfFreya,

      It’s disheartening, there’s no question. I would have thought that – at minimum – she would have decided to get Chinese lettering on the back of her neck. Seems more apt, somehow.

      All the best,

      Don

  10. 10:47 pm

    Devastating social commentary, Don.

  11. 11:26 pm

    Mr Mills.

    I have been deeply disturbed seeing Barbie with a tattoo. It appears that Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have been channeled into this symbol of American childhood. I noticed in the images you so kindly provided, her other, less visible tattoo tells us she’s from Indonesia. I imagine there’ll be a final tattoo that can only be seen under a UV light. It’s in your own interest that you don’t go looking for that one. You may not like what you find.

    I’m very impressed with the toys from your Donco range. May I suggest Mrs Potato Head comes complete with a Vajazzle kit. This kit contains stick-on diamante that you place on a body part I can only reminisce about these days. As seen on the British Reality TV show ‘The Only Way Is Essex’. That is my gift to you.

    • 12:31 am

      Many thanks Pie,

      And quite a gift it is.

      I truly wish I had read the sentence which followed May “I suggest Mrs Potato Head comes complete with a Vajazzle kit” before rushing off to consult with Google images. If I had, I may have been able to avoid the recurring nightmares which are now sure to come my way.

      I’ll take your advice and forgo looking for any other Barbie tattoos. There is only so much stress an old man’s heart can take and after the “Vajazzle Incident” (as it will now forever be known) I don’t think I dare take any further chances.

      Best regards, Pie.

      Don

  12. Hanna permalink
    11:29 pm

    A barbie (teaching us what’s worth of a lady is only her body) is already sad enough… but with a tattoo??? >.<
    Plus, it says 'made in Indonesia' (with cheap labor, I'm sure :()

    • 12:32 am

      Thank you Hanna,

      Cheap would be rather appropriate in this case.

      Very nice to hear from you.

      All the best,

      Don

  13. Dr Tim permalink
    11:38 pm

    Dear Don

    Body art? I ask you, what do these young people think they’re playing at? How is that going to look in 40 years when their skin has lost its stretch? And how’s it going to look with an appendectomy or ceasarian scar straight through the middle? In my day tattoos were the preserve of sailors, prisoners, and unpleasant smelling security guards. And it was confined to an achor, their mother’s name, or the name of their sweetheart; usually on the forearm. These days you can’t turn your head without clapping eyes on inked skin showing from places that gentlemen ought not to see.

    Don’t even get me started on piercings.

    They have no understanding of collagen and the ageing process, that’s the problem with young people.

    Best wishes

    Dr T

    • 11:53 pm

      My mother just got a tattoo. She’s 60.
      haha

    • theasaurusvol82 permalink
      12:34 am

      Dr Tim, you have a real talent for vivid imagery. It’s wonderful. And so accurate.

      Thea.

      • Dr Tim permalink
        11:00 pm

        Dear Thea

        Thank you for your kind words. It is an imagery born of indignation; or a chapped ass, as Don would, so aptly, put it.

        Best Regards

        Dr T

    • 12:37 am

      Thank you Dr. Tim,

      I fully agree, of course. I’d also add, however, that they don’t need to wait for the full effects of aging before coming to the understanding that they may have made a mistake. A Marilyn Manson neck tattoo may garner you the amorous attention of the dangerous girls in high school but it’s unlikely to get a future employer to jump into your lap.

      Always a pleasure, Dr. Tim. Thanks for stopping in.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • Dr Tim permalink
        1:35 pm

        Dear Don

        The only Marilyn that I’m aware of was Monroe, and my physician advises that I avoid that area due to my blood pressure. That said; I guess that if you’re stupid enough to go down the inking route then your employment prospects are likely fairly limited anyway, so attention from the dangerous girls might just make bodily defacement worthwhile. Come to think of it…. perhaps an ink of Stewart Granger might help me to attract the attention of Risky Rita from the Day Centre (she need not know it is only in ball-point).

        A most amusing post, by the way, I enjoyed it immensely. Good to see you’ve lost none of your ire. Keep up the good work Don.

        Best

        Dr T

    • 7:23 am

      Exactly. I hate tattoes and piercings.

  14. 11:39 pm

    That made me laugh so hard. You’re brilliant. What a clever play on all the classic toys.

    • 12:37 am

      Thank you kindly Corz,

      Very glad you enjoyed it. Nice to hear from you again.

      All the best,

      Don

  15. 11:43 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    The folks at the home might consider the Playskool village filled with pawn shops, methadone clinics, and streetwalker little people. Although, I am planning to spend Black Friday standing in line for your Mr. Heavily-pierced Potato Head. Should I camp out overnight?

    Yours Truly,
    Maddie

    • 12:49 am

      Thank you Maddie,

      I like the idea of a little Playskool village very much. I can already picture the brightly colored graffiti on the walls of the burnt out store front. Quaint.

      I appreciate the interest in Mr. Heavily-pierced Potato Head but I wouldn’t suggest camping out overnight. He doesn’t roll out of bed until noon and by the time he’s finished snapping bolts, zippers and studs into his head it’s almost two. On a good day, he wouldn’t be on the shelf until late afternoon at the earliest.

      Best regards and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  16. 11:54 pm

    Dear sir,
    Let’s just all hope this isn’t the first in a line of depressing new Barbies. Not to give them any ideas, but a “Toddlers and Tiaras Barbie Mom” scares the bejeezus out of me, as does the “Coupon Obsessive Barbie,” “Crack Dealer Barbie” and “Mommy Drinks Because You Cry Barbie.” There would be just one “White Trash Barbie” line alone — complete with Dream Trailer, Hepatitis B and 14 kids! The couch for the front yard could come separate.
    Thanks for the hilarious Sunday night pick-me-up.
    Best,
    Sorcia

    • 12:57 am

      Many thanks Sorcia,

      You may not want to give Mattel any ideas but you’ve certainly caught the interest of the R&D department at Donco. Coupon Obsessive Barbie would actually fit right in with Intervention Midge, Auction Hunter Stacey, Real Housewife Ken and Skipper Shores as part of the “reality” line we’re working on.

      If you’re willing to work for digestive biscuits in a slow-paced environment, please contact me as soon as possible.

      All the best,

      Don

  17. theasaurusvol82 permalink
    12:31 am

    Fantastic post. As I was reading, I was reminded of the picture book ‘Go the Fuck to Sleep’. It’s really taken off. A bit like some of your toys might!

    Thea.

  18. 1:00 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,
    As tears stream down my face (from laughing) I feel a sense of relief that my children are 19 and 21 years old. They only want money and gift cards for Christmas! I can see the value in role playing for the youngsters so they they can properly prepare for the life ahead. ; D

    • 1:17 am

      Thank you susielindau,

      It’s true – a little role play is very important in helping to develop skills and understand what lies ahead. I suppose that instead of playing “house” these days, young people play “cohabitation without strings”, “friends with benefits” or “serial monogamy.”

      Best regards and many thanks for dropping in.

      Don

  19. 1:07 am

    Off to use the Twitter again. Everyone should read this before writing their Christmas list!

  20. 1:17 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    You have outdone yourself! I’m not surprised Barbie favors tattoos, she was likely the first to have breast augmentation.

    • 2:00 am

      Thank you elroyjones.

      Personally, I think the problems can all be traced back to the introduction of the “Groovy Sixties Mod Barbie.” It’s a short hop from go go boots and fishnets to tattoos and boob jobs.

      All the best and many thanks for visiting. A pleasure to hear from you again.

      Don

  21. 2:11 am

    Christmas is slacker youth in a nutshell. GImme gimme gimme.
    That said, the Hoarder Ken doll is a gold mine when marketed to the hoarder demographic who must acquire and own 12,000 of each doll to toss in their garage or leaky basement.

    • 2:52 pm

      Thank you bmj2k,

      I like to think that the old folks at Donco are nothing if not progressive. And given that they now have their own television program, it only makes sense to tap into the “Hoarder Market.” We’re already working on the t-shirts. So far, the best we’ve come up with is “Chairman of the Hoard.”

      Clearly, there is still considerable work to be done.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 8:07 pm

        Love this t-shirt idea. Might I also suggest…

        Hoarding: It’s not just a job, it’s 1,923 empty margarine tubs stacked up in the bedroom.

        • 5:49 pm

          A wonderful suggestion, pegoleg!

          I’ll set my fabric markers to the task at once.

          All the best,

          Don

  22. 2:22 am

    Wow. This is brilliant. P.T.S.D G.I. Joe is sheer, sarcastic genius. And I suppose an easy-bake meth lab would make the process a bit easier, not to mention that it would diversify the creation of meth so if one lab got shut down by the police, we’d be sure our supply wouldn’t run dry.

    • 2:56 pm

      Thank you Russ,

      I suspect that the Easy Bake Meth Lab would also help improve safety in the home baked drug production sector. A lightbulb may burn your fingers but it’s not as likely to blow up your damned house.

      Many thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  23. 3:04 am

    Great post, as usual. I think we might also see a hula hoop that revolved around a kid with no effort expended. We wouldn’t want to waste calories on excessive physical exertion.

    • 2:57 pm

      Thank you notquiteold,

      A motorized hula hoop is probably in production somewhere. It reminds me a bit of those “Electronic Battleship” games. When I was a lad, we just drew a grip on a piece of scrap paper. It seems we’re hell bent on making a simple idea as complicated as possible and in adding as many unnecessary bells and whistles as we can.

      Best regards,

      Don

  24. 4:44 am

    This is hilarious. I am a big fan of you and your witty posts, Mr. Mills!

    • 2:57 pm

      Thank you very much Ethically Dapper.

      I appreciate your taking the time to leave me a comment.

      All the best,

      Don

  25. 5:18 am

    I’m having trouble deciding which one I want for Christmas, they all sound so appealing.

    • 2:58 pm

      Thank you Debra,

      I’d suggest you forgo the Monopoly Occupy. I suspect it will fall out of favor as quickly as it picked up steam.

      All the best,

      Don

  26. eileen permalink
    6:25 am

    Several years ago, my adult son customized some Barbies for my granddaughters, and one of them was Trailer Trash Barbie…complete with tatts, piercings and nicotine stains on her fingers. What a hoot!

    • 2:58 pm

      Thank you Eileen,

      That lad of yours may have a bright future in the toy manufacturing industry. Clearly he was ahead of his time.

      Best regards,

      Don

  27. 7:18 am

    Is all this for real or satirical? The doll and the GI Joe was enough to make your point wan’t it? He He

    • Sedate Me permalink
      3:05 pm

      It’s hard to tell the difference between reality and satire these days, ain’t it?

    • 3:15 pm

      Thank you John,

      As Sedate me points out – it’s tough to tell the difference some times.

      I ask myself that same question all the time. Especially when I stumble across things such as television programs like “Repo Games” or toys like Tattooed Barbie.

      I suspect that the G.I. Joe was sufficient but I’m old and once I’ve got something stuck in my craw I do like to prattle on until I’ve run out of steam.

      Many thanks for visiting and all the best,

      Don

  28. 7:20 am

    Barbie, you had everything. You had a dreamhouse, a loving (albeit asexual) man and a corvette. Where did it all go wrong? Where Barbie? :(

    • mysterycoach permalink
      11:10 am

      ROFLMAO!!!!! OH my god! Now this is funny.

      “Barbie, you had everything”. hahaha!

    • 3:16 pm

      Thank you underwhelmer,

      Hard to say but we should have recognized her constant career changes as some sort of cry for help.

      All the best,

      Don

  29. 7:44 am

    Once again absolutely. Hilarious!!
    Thanks for the laugh!

    Carrie

    • 3:16 pm

      Thank you Carrie,

      I appreciate your stopping in.. Very nice to hear from you

      Warm regards,

      Don

  30. 10:52 am

    This will affect my Christmas shopping for my nieces. I’ll be playing Guess Who with them and will be thinking we are picking meth heads out of a police line up.

    • 5:36 pm

      Thank you Joe,

      Actually, modifying the format of “Guess Who” to something more like “Line Up” may not be such a bad idea.

      It would require some rule changes but it could end up helping to teach young people about the value in assisting law enforcement while also proving them with some guidance on when it’s okay to “snitch” and the potential dangers of street thug retaliation.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  31. mysterycoach permalink
    11:08 am

    aaaaaaaaaaaaghahahahahaaaa!!!!! You know? I’ve always thought Ken doll was too pretty and liked GI Joe better because he had a beard and didn’t seem like such a sissy.

    Barbie is apparently tossing her Suzie Homemaker appeal and shooting for guys like Ken who she can fix and save. Sounds healthy to me! Couple tatoo’s and piercings they could live happily ever after! Except, she’d probably cheat in Ken with GI Joe and it would all go down hill from there…

    hahahaha! Oh man, I love this stuff you write. I was going to put a smiley face here however I know it’s not a preference of yours. So let’s just say I’m smiling from ear to ear as always.

    MC

    • 5:36 pm

      Thank you mysterycoach,

      I appreciate the smiley restraint.

      I think that part of the problem is that “Suzie Homemaker” is equated with being “dull and unimaginative.” In my mind, nothing could be further from the truth. It takes considerably less imagination, determination and character to become some run of the mill, pierced and tattooed mall rat hell bent on saving “bad boys” then it does to run a household, maintain a marriage and raise a family.

      But then again, I’m a confirmed dinosaur.

      Always a pleasure to hear from you MC.

      All the best,

      Don

      • mysterycoach permalink
        7:04 pm

        Don, you nailed it. I do have a perception of “Suzie Homemaker” that is close to as you are suggesting.

        I remember I wasn’t smitten with June Cleaver’s lifestyle. I was more interested with Bewitched and more fun things and surprises. No piercings necessary, simply a twitch of the nose. Cooking, cleaning and tedious chores were completed in no time flat.

        I have the best time with donosaur’s, was up visiting some wonderful family friends this weekend and we always have the best time, laughing, joking, talking about old school this and that. And there are the perverted jokes and blushing that comes with it because they’re so funny. Be a dinosaur! They’re great … lots of things to learn from you guys.

        MC

  32. 12:31 pm

    As if the Bratz dolls weren’t…trashy enough, now we have Barbies with tramp stamps? What is this world coming to? Are the toy manufacturers purposefully attempting to influence our daughters to grow up and be just like Britney and Lindsay?

    I absolutely refuse to allow my 9-year old daughter to get those Bratz dolls, now I’m going to have to tell my 4-year old daughter she can’t have any more Barbies. What’s next!?

    • 1:39 pm

      Thank you Joe,

      I think part of the problem is that toy manufacturers have no interest in what your daughters may grow up to be – beyond continued consumers. You’re better off to stick with homemade sock puppets, tic tac toe, marbles and yoyos.

      All the best,

      Don

  33. 1:49 pm

    For all the people complaining that Barbie has a tramp stamp, the one pictured isn’t the one on sale, it’s this – http://www.barbiecollector.com/shop/doll/tokidoki-barbie-doll-t7939
    It’s not a kid’s version, rather it’s a collectors item. Mattel aren’t exactly pushing tramp stamps.

    Brilliant post, just felt like I had to clarify!

    • 1:42 pm

      Thank you hiccupsarefatal,

      I appreciate the clarification and agree that Mattel may not be “pushing” tramp stamps. I am confident, however, that if they felt there was money to be made there, they’d be more than happy to “fill that need.”

      All the best and many thanks for visiting.

      Don

  34. 2:34 pm

    I LOVE the Monopoly (Occupy Edition) idea! Please, stop with the occupying already. Find a new bandwagon to jump on. I read somewhere that Occupy____ was the new ______Gate. Great post.

    • 1:48 pm

      Thank you momfog,

      I have to admit that I’m rather fascinated by the whole occupy movement – especially people’s reactions to it – and am curious to see how it will all play itself out in the end.

      Many thanks for visiting, momfog. Always a pleasure to have you stop by.

      Best regards,

      Don

  35. 2:40 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    I always begin my Christmas shopping in Nov. Just yesterday, I was fretting about what to get our children. We have 5 ranging in ages from 13-21. Your holiday suggestions are invaluable. I’m very concerned about my 16 yo old daughter and her self-esteem. I was wondering if perhaps Donco has a mother/daughter combo doll set? Maybe with a box of wine for mom , a binge and purge bag for daughter, and two for one botox injections?

    Thank you,
    Mama Bread Baker

    • 1:56 pm

      Thank you Mama Bread Maker,

      My condolences on having 5 children – especially in the 13-21 age range. I don’t usually take special orders but given your grim circumstances I’ll be happy to see what I can do.

      Watch your mailbox – I’ll get working on it as soon as I can. In the interim, I’d suggest you go ahead and pick up that wine.

      All the best,

      Don

  36. 3:16 pm

    Don I’m a little frightened by your knowledge of meth ingredients. I’m also impressed by your ingenious ability to turn a fond childhood memory into an adult nightmare.

    Kudos to you, sir!

    • 1:59 pm

      Thank you awesomesauciness,

      I was pretty handy with the A.C. Gilbert Chemistry set back in the day.

      All the best,

      Don

  37. Sedate Me permalink
    4:16 pm

    Brilliant work, as usual, sir. Donco has quite the research department. Too bad the manufacturing department is lacking.

    Occupy Boardwalk

    Funny you should mention that. When I was a youngster, I actually used the Occupy Boardwalk strategy in a game of Monopoly. I had only a few dollars left after landing on Boardwalk. I wouldn’t be able to survive more than one or two turns. So, under the premise that you don’t have to leave a hotel room until 10 AM checkout time, I occupied Boardwalk for about 5 hours, until I negotiated a much better financial arrangement. I still wound up going bankrupt and the monopolist won. (After all, the game is rigged to make sure the one with the most crushes everyone else and leaves them with nothing.) But I survived a little longer and had some fun driving my opponent nuts. However, it was the last time anybody played Monopoly with me.

    Hoarder Ken Doll

    Sir, while I see Ken as having OCD, I’m not sure if he matches the hoarder profile. I think Skipper might make a better hoarder. I can see her hiding a garage full of baby dresses, Pez dispensers, or magazines still in the shrink-wrap from everyone.

    I always pegged Ken for a guy who liked to be pegged, if you catch my drift. There’s no doubt Barbie was the “top” and Ken was the emasculated boot-licker she kept around to finance her extravagant lifestyle.

    He is one sissified man after all; all that eyebrow plucking, tucking & such. It wouldn’t surprise me if Ken came with a ball-gag and a leash as accessories. I remember hearing some of Barbie’s sexy outfits were too large to fit her. Now I know why.

    • 4:26 pm

      Many thanks Sedate Me.

      I’m not sure what I can do about the manufacturing side of things. After you factor in and naps, regular bathroom breaks, generally declining interest and repeated interruptions to chase the neighbor’s cat out of my garden there just doesn’t seem to be much time left to your standard 9-5 workday. I’d send the work out but people generally expect to be paid.

      I admire your rather clever stalling tactic on at the Monopoly Board. My brother, Elgin, was notorious for his Scrabble game play. Not only would he turn unusable letters upside down and try to play them as blanks but if he felt he was sure to lose he’d either spill his shandy all over the board or have some sort of spontaneous seizure and knock the board and tiles to the floor. I don’t think we ever played more than 3 complete games. More fool me for continuing to try I suppose.

      As for Ken, I appreciate the insights. The “Ball-Gag and Leash” limited edition Ken doll would likely have been more appropriate and had a better chance in the competitively depraved toy market. Truth be told, though, I was just looking at a way to get rid of some old newspapers (and, thanks to the neighbor’s cat, animal feces) and thought Hoarder Ken might help in that regard.

      Skipper is an interesting choice but I’m not sure anyone remembers her anymore – probably due in no small part to Alan Hale. Actually, now that I think about it, I doubt anyone remembers him any more either.

      Thanks for visting, Sedate Me. Always good to hear from you, lad.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        6:48 pm

        Sir, I already made a comment regarding the manufacturing process (near the top).

        But another thought comes to mind. Why not hire the “illegals” that are being run out of Alabama? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/21/after-alabama-immigration-law-few-americans-taking-immigrants-work_n_1023635.html

        They’re cheap, hard working, labourers right there in America that you can exploit affordably employ. I’m sure they’ll be willing to work and maybe even live in your shed.

        With that problem solved, I eagerly await my chance to replace my long-lost Viewmaster. Viewing the 6 Million Dollar Man disk series on my grandmother’s old-school Viewmaster (It might have even been a Tru-Vue or a British model) was one of my fondest childhood memories.

        • 12:36 am

          Thank you Sedate Me.

          Interesting article but not in the least bit surprising. I can’t see imagine any of the podgy layabouts in my neighborhood hauling their considerable asses out of bed and putting in a 12-hour day of manual labour. It would kill them.

          I’ll take a look at the shed tomorrow. If I shift a few confiscated footballs, I may be able to squeeze in a half dozen workers. Thanks for the tip.

          I’ll get working on the View Master. The locals may not be able to build the casing but I have every confidence in their ability to produce the animated porn.

          All the best,

          Don

  38. 4:40 pm

    Mahalo for a great post Mr. Mills.

  39. 12:47 pm

    Dearest Don (whom I fully intend to stalk until you become my senior boy toy)
    Should I be embarrassed to admit that I actually own the Trailer Park Trash Barbie doll? She makes me fondly think of some of my female acquaintences with her ciggie in the mouth, curlers in the hair, and big pregnant belly.
    A few years ago, there was a Mommy To Be Barbie. She had a magnetic pregnant belly that could be removed. She came with a tiny newborn baby. That special little girl who was (un)fortunate enough to get her learned all about make-believe birthing. Remove the magnetic belly, pull the baby out of the box that it came in and…Voila’…instant motherhood.
    The doll that I find most disturbing on the market right now comes from our dear French friends. It is a breast feeding doll. It comes with a bra-like garment that has magnents in each boobie section. The doll has a magnent in it’s mouth. Place it against the “boobie” and it begins to make sucking noises. I’m sure that it brings pleasure to many he-shes (aka transvestites) and could be used as an educational tool for men considering a sex change and must live as a woman for a year first.
    I find the Donnie and Marie Barbie’s to be equally as disturbing. Look at the dolls and then check them out on one of the many commercials/talk shows on which they appear. They look as plastic as the dolls and should be called Plastic Face Barbie and Ken.
    Just sayin’…..
    Keep on writing the best damn blog of all times!

    • 5:48 pm

      Many thanks TPB,

      This is all quite disturbing. It would seem that rather then pointing us North, magnets are now being used to offset moral compasses instead.

      I’ve always maintained that issues related to childbirth and breastfeeding should be closely guarded secrets understood only by a choice few physicians and the women who have experienced them. Beyond that, I really think it’s best we don’t discuss either in any significant detail – let alone create instructional playthings in their honor.

      I must go lie down now.

      Many thanks for visiting. Always nice to have you pop in. All the best to the family.

      Warm regards,

      Don

  40. 5:53 pm

    Don’t let Barbie get you down. She’s a tramp and always has been. Even in the 50’s.

    • 5:53 pm

      Thank you becomingcliche,

      And, perhaps more unsettling, even in her 50s.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Regards,

      Don

  41. 6:00 pm

    I’m a teenager with a love of decent tattoos. If they’re going to make a Barbie with ink, she should come with decent work by decent artists and a booklet advising children of the stupidity of bad tattoos, as well as infomation on aftercare and well-respected tattoers.

    Mr Heavily Pierced Potato Head, I would buy.

    • 9:02 pm

      Thank you Francesca,

      I’m afraid I disagree with most everything you’ve written.

      First of all, I still maintain that there is no such thing as a decent tattoo (unless of course you’ve had the word “decent” tattooed on your body. And even in that case it’s not really decent in the classical sense, just an attempt to capitalize on a loop hole.)

      Secondly, I would suspect that anyone willing to adorn the body of a small plastic plaything with dragons and butterflies would have to be excluded from the category of “decent artist”. Unstable doodler, perhaps. Dodgy cartoonist, maybe. But decent artist, no. Decent artists sketch waterfalls, illustrate The Reader’s Digest and paint unsettling portraists of circus clowns.

      And finally, advising youngsters on the value of aftercare and referring them to reputable disfiguralists is, I suspect, unwise. I can’t help but feel that referring them to their rooms without desert would be a far greater service to them.

      Regardless, I appreciate your sharing your views and thank you for visiting.

      All the best,

      Don

      p.s. Thank you for your support of Mr. Heavily Pierced Potato Head.

  42. mysterycoach permalink
    11:04 pm

    Weebles. Remember weebles? If it ever tickles your fancy, I wonder how hard it would be to insert a weeble into a post and make it funny. Okay, I have to go. Have a nice evening Don, where ever you are.

    MC

  43. 1:33 am

    Ha! This blog is excellent. Easy Bake Meth Lab… you know they banned REGULAR Easy Bake Ovens recently because they’re too dangerous for kids? Children live in bubbles these days.

    I would love it if people would check out and maybe follow my blog too :) I’m looking forward to when I start getting comments. http://doodlejulie.wordpress.com/

    • Sedate Me permalink
      1:50 pm

      You shameless, self promoting, hussie!

      I hope you get an Easy Bake Oven and burn your fingers on it.

    • 2:35 pm

      Julie, you need to enable some widgets or something so people can make comments, maybe add a like button too. When you post use tags that will attract readers. Now, don’t be embarrassed but it’s considered bad form to promote your own blog on someone else’s. Get those widgets to work so we can read and comment. I read some of your blog and I enjoyed your writing.

  44. 3:10 am

    Well, I know what’s on my Christmas list this year! If I don’t get a Mr. Heavily Pierced-Potato Head I might just cry.

    • 10:13 pm

      Thank you Anna,

      Sorry for the delay in responding. I was in the workshop and got one of the Heavily Pierced prototypes stuck to the sleeve of my damned cardigan. Took the better part of two days to free myself from his over-sized nose ring. I may have to include some cautionary language on the packaging.

      I’ll do my best to speed up production and get them on the shelves for Christmas.

      Many thanks for visiting. Hope to hear from you again.

      All the best,

      Don

  45. 4:17 pm

    I really, really want the Monopoly (Occupy Edition)! I’m loving your satirical wit sir. When it comes to tatoos, it’s not only the young people who are addicted to them. (Well, I suppose it depends on your definition of young) I have 2 employees, who are women, ages 41 and 42 and they are always eager to describe the “new ink” they will soon have emblazoned on their bodies. It’s important to note that these are women in professional careers. I am at a loss to understand their enthusiasm. Although I do remember the thrill of finding a lick ‘em stick ‘em tatoo in a Cracker Jack box once as a child. I soon out grew that though . . .

    • 10:55 pm

      Thank you very much angrymiddleagewoman,

      I’m so thankful that I worked in an era when coworkers never discussed their bodies (and went to considerable lengths to cover them up as much as possible). If anyone I worked with did have a tattoo (and it’s highly doubtful) they at least had the common decency to keep it hidden and carry their shame in silence.

      I suspect the enthusiasm of your co-workers has to do with the fact that tattoos are a “dangerous” yet socially acceptable form of sanctioned non-conformity. It’s a way to express yourself in a manner that is entirely congruent with the way in which everyone else expresses them self.

      Many thanks for visiting, angrymiddleagewoman. I apologize for the delay in replying.

      All the best,

      Don

      p.s. I’m now in the mood for some Cracker Jack. My teeth won’t approve but unfortunately, that’s a taste I’ve never grown out of.

  46. 7:37 pm

    hahaha brilliant. I have to confess to having had a tattoo in my ’40’s. i found it rather liberating. I MUST have a Mr. Pierced Potato Head for Xmas now!

    • 11:01 pm

      Thank you Rosie,

      I must say I’m quite surprised by this tattoo revelation. And for the life of me I can’t understand how getting jabbed repeatedly with an ink-laden needle could possibly be liberating. I would have thought “painful”, “costly” and “permanent” would have been more likely words to describe the experience.

      Still, I’ll respect your decision and give you credit for at least waiting until you were old enough to make a quasi-informed decision. I suspect that by 40 you’re less likely to make a rash decision and even if you do, you have fewer years left in which to regret it.

      Best regards and thanks for popping in. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

  47. 11:00 pm

    Does the Easy-Bake Meth Lab come with 2000 boxes of Sudafed, to help the young ladies get started?

    • 11:04 pm

      Nice to hear from you Friar,

      I couldn’t find enough Sudafed (our local drug store can’t keep the stuff on the shelves) so I’ve included Chiclets, M&Ms, Old Pez and some cough drops instead. Not sure what the result will be but I suspect it will be just as lethal.

      All the best,

      Don

  48. 6:56 pm

    These are great gifts. Makes me want to be a kid again!

    • 11:05 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      No reason why you can’t be. It seems to be all the rage these days.

      Best regards,

      Don

  49. 5:29 am

    I just started reading you a couple of weeks ago and all I can say is you’re a pip. Keep it up. You may be a crabby old fart, but at least you’re self-aware.

    I just came across this quote and thought you’d like it:

    They say youth is wasted on the young, but I say they wear it well. It would seem pathetic on anyone else. Maturity, on the other hand, is wasted on me.

    • 11:06 pm

      Thank you Eda,

      I appreciate your taking the time to leave me a comment. Very nice to meet you.

      And thank you for the quote. I enjoyed it a great deal.

      All the best,

      Don

  50. 7:19 pm

    Hahahaha, I loved this!!!!! :)

    • 11:07 pm

      Thank you vivianaayre,

      I appreciate the kind words. Very nice of you to stop in.

      Best,

      Don

  51. 2:05 pm

    This brought the biggest grin to my face that I have had in eons. Thank you so much – very up to date, very topical, and funny beyond all belief. Hats off to you, sir!

  52. 1:40 am

    “Ephedrine and light bulb not included.”

    I’m so glad I read the fine print.

    • 2:58 pm

      Thank you Luda,

      Always a good idea to read the box carefully. You’d hate to disappoint any young ones on Christmas morning.

      Best regards,

      Don

  53. 1:04 pm

    You really do scare me sometimes. This could all come to pass. Maybe it already has.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      2:43 pm

      Today’s sci-fi nightmare is tomorrow’s “So what?” reality. (See Google Earth/streetview, Government eavesdropping etc. etc.) Why would we expect anything different socially?

      Expect the worst because it’s probably just around the corner.

  54. 7:06 pm

    This reminded me of the woman who created a life sized barbie in the proportions she would be as a real woman. Barbie has enormous influence over young children and women…this body art version is yuck.

    I enjoyed reading about your spin on the other toys. Haha, I think they need to put you in charge of toy land.

    Turn things upside down…

    Besides, I wouldn’t mind the View Master- 3-D haha…brilliant!

  55. 2:20 am

    This blog is bad for my health. I have a terrible cold and this blog has had me laughing so hard that I go into uncontrollable coughing fits.. but its totally worth it. =)

  56. 7:41 am

    Thanks again, Mr. Mills – this one had me in stitches.

  57. 2:17 am

    I just thought I would let you know, I found your blog browsing the themes section; it came up as an example of a customized theme. I’ve spent over an hour reading your posts, and have been laughing almost the entire time. Thank you for making my day.

  58. 3:00 am

    God dammit, you’re good. What a witty, skilled writer you are. I just happened across this blog whilst randomly searching WordPress and you are a cut above. Keep up the good work!

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