I’ve heard from many seniors about their terrifying run-ins with young people. In response, I’ve prepared a simple pamphlet to help oldsters identify young people, avoid them and deal with chance encounters.
(NOTE: I may have borrowed liberally from a State Park brochure on black bears but I make no apologies…a threat is a threat damn it)
I trust this of assistance.
p.s. watch for a mid-week guest post by my old friend Clifton L. Tanager
The trouble with young people today is that they have no fear of authority.
Back when I was a boy, young people lived in a constant state of terror. We were frightened of our parents, terrified of police, petrified of a vengeful God and lived with the ever-present dread that a misspelled word or wayward spit ball would incite the wrath of a strap-happy teacher.
It was a healthy fear, damn it.
Fear kept us in check and ensured that we damn well toed the line. It stopped us from questioning the actions of our leaders, forced us to respect the behavior of our clergy and kept us from engaging in foolhardy acts of criminal mischief.
In my day, if a boy even thought of pilfering a pack of Good’n’Plenty his knees would knock in anticipation of the beating he’d receive at the hands of the store keep, his father and anyone else within a 10 mile radius who had a free hand and a belt holding up their trousers.
A lad’s hands would tremble too violently to successfully negotiate a young gal’s brassiere – certain as we were that a moment’s pleasure today led to a fiery damnation and thorough pitchforking at the hands of Beelzebub’s imps tomorrow.
But these young people today feel free to commit any nefarious act they choose knowing full well that the worst they’ll receive is a gentle probing of their fragile psyche, some parental scapegoating and an increased popularity among the penny-ante thugs at their local high school.
They know it’s a damned crime for anyone to raise a hand to them, say a harsh word or even give them a sideways glance so they feel free to thumb their pierced noses at police, sass their elders, fornicate like crack-addled rabbits and generally behave as if they are above the law and immune from any form of recourse.
Fear of authority is the glue that binds decent folks together. And unless these damned young people wake up and smell the terror, America is destined to continue heading down a one way road to anarchy, mayhem, free thought and complete societal collapse.
And frankly, that scares the Hell out of me.
They have no fear of authority. That’s the trouble with young people today.
Few things chaff my thighs more than damned teenagers who don’t know when to hang up the pillowcase and stop trolling for free candy on Halloween.
I have no objection to doling out some boxed raisins or wintergreen lozenges to a damned 3-year old in a Garfield costume but I get pretty incensed when some pock-marked 17-year old smelling of old bong water and sloth shows up at my door with a insolent scowl and a demand for free food.
In my day, teenagers didn’t go trick or treating – we were too busy holding down jobs, harvesting crops or overseas serving in the armed forces. But nowadays it seems young people trick or treat into their early 20s. Half the “kids” that bang on my door are over six feet tall, have five o’clock shadow and voices deeper than Elaine Stritch.
And, Jesus Christ, if you insist on coming to my door looking to scrounge some hard candy at least work for it. These damned teens refuse to say “trick or treat,” won’t make eye contact and sure as hell don’t bother with costumes. They dress as “rappers” or “gangstas” and stick a sack under your nose while text messaging their location to other scurrilous moochers in search of easy prey.
If they intend to carry on with this shameless behavior the least they could do is dress like hobos or – perhaps more accurately – petty thieves.
And to add insult to indignity, they’re pounding on my door at 9 o’clock when I’m already in my nightshirt and well after the time that most legitimate trick or treaters have already gone home, gorged themselves senseless and thrown up on the area rug.
I’d send them running with their tales between their legs but they always have an air of violence about them. Rebuke their sniveling demands and you’re likely to find your pumpkins violated, your rose bushes covered in toilet paper and your windows spattered with eggs.
Well, threat or no threat, this year I’m saying “No”.
Be advised that any damned teenager who shows up at my door this Halloween won’t be getting anything but a copy of the want ads, directions to the local military recruitment centre and a cane to the side of the head.
Happy Halloween. Now get the Hell off my lawn.
p.s.
A while back my young friend Zman indicated that if he really wanted to scare the kiddies on Halloween he’d costume himself as Don Mills. I think it’s a fine idea so….here’s a mask for you lad. Try not to upset the young ones too much.
More fun for the whole damned family…
“Young People: The Trading Cards.” Over 30 different cards available! Buy them today, collect them tomorrow and trade them with your friends for years to come.
A small sample:
Card #2: “The Frat Boy” (A must have for any serious collector.)
Card #3: “The Punk” (Only 100 cards printed so act quickly.)
Card #9: The Tattooed Freak (More common than it used to be).
Coming next: The Hipster, the Teen Pregnancy and the Assclown.
Previous trading cards available here.
Brought to you by the old man at Donco.
The problem with young people today is that they want immediate gratification.
When I was a young man immediate gratification was something you waited your whole life for. You never expected it, it never came and life was better that way.
But these young people today?
They want immediate gratification right now and all the god damned time. They want to download movies before they’ve made it to the show and hear the latest music before the wax on the record has been pressed. It’s all about getting next year’s model, the phone of tomorrow and the newest, latest shiniest toy today.
They expect their god damned microwaves to make them a three course meal in 30 seconds and then wipe their chins and burp them afterward. Microwaveable bacon, pizza, popcorn and pie. If it can’t be prepared in less time than it takes to snort of tab of marijuana they’re not willing to invest the effort.
In my day, if I wanted popcorn I planted the seeds, grew the crop, shucked the husks, boiled the oil and popped it myself. I needed 9 months notice to pop my corn and it tasted better for the wait.
But the young people today don’t have the patience to wait for anything. They break into a pout if their messages aren’t instant, go into conniption fits if their cell phones hit a dead zone, and have a cardiac arrest if the internet goes down and they can’t get immediate access to a Halo chat room and the latest LOL cat.
The only things they are prepared to wait for are looking for work, responsibility and pulling their own damned weight. Those, they can defer indefinitely.
In my day we had no choice but to be patient and control our impulses. If I was going to get a beating, I had to wait until my father got home. If I was hungry, I waited until my mom was god damned good and ready to feed me. And if I wanted something new, I cooled my heels, lowered my expectations and hoped that some day I’d get it as a hand-me-down.
It was decent, it was right – and it made for a better America.
They want immediate gratification. That’s the problem with young people today.
