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Affronts to Old People #9: Forcing Erections on Senior Citizens

Few things chap my ass more than these damned multi-national drug companies and their insistence on churning out all manner of erection-inducing pharmaceuticals.

What the Hell has our country come to when the focus of our medical research has shifted from the treatment of respectable illnesses like whooping cough, rheumatism and brain fever to how to provide some feckless asshat with an erection that will last up to, but no longer than, 4 hours?

(And who decided that 4 hours was the point at which an erection becomes dangerous anyway? I’d like to know what kind of highly perverted, federally-funded clinical trials went into the discovery of that particular insight.)

I haven’t read the New York Times in a while but I was under the impression that there were still one or two illnesses floating around out there that needed some tending to. Have we really solved all of the ailments of the world and just moved on to striking items off some medical researcher’s degenerate “wish list”?

My biggest beef, however, is that they target these store-bought erections at us seniors. Just what in the Hell did we do to deserve this attack on our dignity?

I don’t need some smarmy thirty year old ad executive telling me that my life is incomplete just because I’m not cruising discotheques in pair of leather slacks with a wallet full of lubricated condoms. And let me tell you, if I ever do find myself in need of an erection, I’ll get one the old fashioned way and peruse a copy of the National Geographic thank you very much.

These drug companies seem to be determined to turn bingo halls across America into supercharged dens of sexual iniquity – they’re creating a seniors Sodom and geriatric Gomorrah for Christ’s sake. And they aren’t going to be happy until every old codger in the land is popping perversion pills and doing the god damned hoochie-coochie morning, noon and night. It’s immoral, indecent and damned insulting too.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t object to erections in principle – I just don’t want them rammed them down my throat every time I turn on the television.

In my view, rather than finding means to put lead in an old man’s pencil, drug companies should commit themselves to developing a pill that would stiffen people’s backbone and provide 4 hours of moral fortitude and god damned common sense.

In all honesty, it would make for an uplifting change.

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149 Comments leave one →
  1. York Mills permalink
    12:02 am

    Hee hee!


    I suspected that it annoyed you to be seen in public with me when I was wearing my leather trousers but I had no idea it was to such an extent. Good gracious! Now I’m in a bit of a conundrum. I just yesterday purchased a pair of “glow in the dark red hot leather pants” and was hoping to drop by tomorrow and model them for you. I guess that’s off. By the way, the condoms in my wallet aren’t lubricated; they get naturally moistened by the heat from the leather pants.

    Hee hee…

    • 12:17 am

      how nice to see you, york. 🙂 be careful of chafing in those pants.

      • York Mills permalink
        12:29 am

        Hee hee!

        Thank you, young lady. My main problem is that sometimes the pants cut off the blood circulation to my head. It makes me dizzy and giddy!

        Hee hee…

        • 12:38 am

          dizzy and giddy can be good. just think how much money it will save you on drinks. now, if you could just get the ladies to wear pants tight enough to make them dizzy and giddy, you won’t have to spend a cent. then again, seeing you in glow in the dark red hot leather pants might be enough to make them just dizzy and giddy enough. 😉

    • 1:29 am

      Many thanks York,

      I really don’t know how you do it, lad. Any combination of the words “erection”, “senior”, “leather pants” and “hootchie-coochie” and you turn up like a damned bad penny. It’s a remarkable skill.

      I’ve said it before, York, but you’re the kind of senior that gives the rest of us decent, sensible oldsters a bad name. Old men in convertibles with skinny jeans, ridiculous hairpieces and artificially erected Woodrow Wilsons may think they’re living the damned lavida loca but in reality they’re nothing but a damned embarrassment to the rest of us.

      Now take those red leather pants off and slip into some decent and roomy corduroys before you do yourself an injury.


      p.s. see you Tuesday at Dennys.

      • 2:34 am

        I bet York is a registered e-harmony member!

        • Susi Spice permalink
          2:57 am

          baahahahahhaha yorky… im still laughing from this blog by Mr Mills, cant seem to string a response to it.. hahah

        • York Mills permalink
          3:03 am

          A very good guess, young lady. And you were quite close. I’m a member of Hee-Hee-Harmony.

          Hee hee…

          • 3:14 am

            Hee Haw Harmony is more damned like it York.

            • York Mills permalink
              6:01 am


              The clothes pegs on the clothesline behind the young lady on the left (the one who, like the others, is also sporting rather ample cleavage) make her look like she has alien antennas!

              Quality TV.

              Hee hee…

      • Friar permalink
        4:21 am


        The thought of York in leather pants…I’m speechless.

        I need to see a picture of a pin-up girl, or something, to shake that awful image from my head.

        • York Mills permalink
          5:46 am

          Hee hee…

          It’s in there forever, young man.


          Hee hee!

  2. 12:16 am

    don, i did some investigating, and what i found out is shocking! 😯 it’s not big pharma that’s behind the spate of boner pill ads. it’s the old bathtub industry! have you ever noticed that, in order for men to have erections, they usually have to be sitting in a bathtub in the woods while the target of his affections sits in an adjacent one (at least according to the commercials)? it’s a very clever subliminal advertising campaign by big porcelain.

    • 1:45 am

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      I wondered about the damned bathtubs. Frankly, I can’t imagine a site more frightening then stumbling upon some old man naked in a bathtub sporting an octogenarian erection. It’s the stuff of nightmares.

      In my day, if you sat outside naked in a bathtub you spent the night in jail and sobered up, you didn’t end up the star of a full page ad in Golf Magazine.

      Always lovely to hear from you Nonnie.

      Best regards,


      • 1:48 pm

        I myself have wondered about the bathtub bit.. I bet it makes the wood soggy.
        I wrote an erection/bathtub post myself just last week:

        I hesitate to say, but I believe you and I see eye to eye, Mr. Mills.

        • 10:48 pm

          it’s not just big porcelain. big rubber is in on it, too. no, i don’t mean condoms, i mean old tires. ever notice how many of the boner ads have tire swings in them? they’re there so that men can throw footballs through them. they thought that was more subtle than the oscar meyer weinermobile driving through the holland tunnel.

    • Debbi permalink
      3:51 am

      I know, Nonnie! Isn’t that the damnedest thing? Who’s going to get amorous sitting in separate bathtubs? What Madison Avenue assclown came up with that image?

      • 10:53 pm

        it’s not just a matter of separate bathtubs, but the bathtubs being outside. the water will get cold, and we know what happens when a man is submerged in cold water. sort of defeating the purpose.

  3. 12:20 am

    Dear Don,

    You certainly know how to play the search engines to maximum return. I’m not certain that York hasn’t guessed your password and hacked your website. Did you really have to use the “rammed” phrase? Goodness!

    As to the subject at hand, *ahem* (well, for most of your male readers), I blame the movie “Cocoon”. And Don Ameche, the insufferable showoff.

    Then they had to go and build a whole resort called The Villages bringing a whole new meaning to The Village of the Damned. It’s a messed up world, and that much I do know for certain.



    • 12:25 am

      Oh, and I don’t wish to be too much of a pedant, but the hard fact is that Viagra was discovered by accident. It’s inventor was seeking to assuage symptoms of hypertension.

      Man, talk about hitting the jack-off-pot without ever playing the Lottery!

    • 1:56 am

      Many thanks Joan,

      I’ve reread the phrase in question and see you’re point. I suppose I could have chosen my words more carefully.

      Unfortunately, my editing isn’t as rigorous as it once was. You should consider yourself lucky that you didn’t see the first draft. I almost ended up opening the post with the statement “these damned erections chap my ass.” I’m fortunate I caught that one in time. York would have had a damned field day. That Bearman character too.

      I’ll try to be more careful in future.

      And I have to say, Joan, I had never considered that Cocoon and Don Ameche might be responsible but you just may well be right. I remember seeing that movie with Aggie when it first came out and thinking that it would lead to all manner of problems.

      Lovely to see you Joan. Thanks for visiting.


  4. Cecilia permalink
    12:24 am

    Wow… this writing was so great that I can hardly find words to describe how happy I am for meeting someone who thinks. And who thinks very well. This was the best text I’ve read about dignity of the elderly citizens. Dignity, the greatest treasure of all. They’re trying to steal it from everyone in many ways, but telling people that they are unhappy and incomplete and convince them only to sell more drugs which create a disastrous and ridiculous effect on a senior’s body (4 hours, my God… no ordinary man has such a bizarre erection) deserve jail.

    That was more than a smart and funny post. It’s a real manifesto.

    To war!

    Grande abraço.

    • 2:15 am

      Many thanks Cecilia,

      I appreciate your kind words a great deal. And you know, not only is it an assault on the dignity of old people – it’s just a sad commentary on our priorities in general. People may not have access to tamiflu or decent lumbago medicine but there’s no shortage of viagra floating around.

      It’s damned stupid in my books.

      É sempre meu prazer ouvir-se de você.

      Best regards,


  5. 12:35 am

    Our local US Representative actually inveighed in Congress against the advertising of Viagra and the like, claiming the constant smarmy TV ads were upsetting to people who had to explain them to grandchildren.

    But I note that his third wife is 20 years younger than he is and he probably just wants all the erections for himself.

    • 2:17 am

      Many thanks Sledpress,

      At the risk of being indecent, I will say that your local congressman likely deserves the additional erections. After all, he has a lot of people to screw in a fairly short period of time.

      All the best,


  6. 12:38 am

    I think the last thing young people of today want to see is elderly men walking around with erections. Oh and lets not forget the poor elderly wife.

    Blahahahaha Mr Mills “I don’t object to erections …… I just don’t want them rammed them down my throat” Now, that raised my eyebrow somewhat 🙂

    • Lily Fossil permalink
      12:56 am

      Yes, I must admit I gagged on “I just don’t want them rammed down my throat” too. Goodness gracious me, Donald, what were you thinking?

      I think it is a national disgrace, make that global. As if we seniors don’t have enough to worry about without blokes walking around with 4 hour erections! I think that would not only be uncomfortable but downright dangerous.

      I am glad now that I invested in that tomahawk for the tomato stakes!


      • 2:50 am

        My apologies Lily,

        An unfortunate choice of words – I suppose my anger got the better of me.

        I watched two hours of television this evening (a very rare occurrence for me) and swear I must have seen a half dozen ads for erection-inducing drugs. (Believe it or not, one was actually a cartoon!)

        A global disgrace indeed. I’d keep that tomahawk close at hand, Lily. You may well need it.

        Warm regards,


    • 2:32 am

      Many thanks Frigginloon,

      As I noted in response to an earlier comment, I’m the victim of some rather careless editing. I should have chosen my words more carefully. I apologize for any undue raising of eyebrows.

      And while I could generally care less about the wants or needs of young people, I agree that no one should be subjected to the sight of some moron stumbling around in mid-arousal. It’s absolutely the worst kind of indecency.

      As for the elderly wives – I feel sorry for them too. It’s like being sent back into the workforce after you’ve retired and started getting a modest but satisfying pension. (Although there are a few ladies down at the seniors centre that seem very pro-viagra and who spend an inordinate amount of times batting eyelashes, flashing ankles and doling out lacivious glances.)

      The world’s going to hell in a hand basket.

      Thanks for stopping in, Loon.

      Best regards,


  7. 12:56 am

    I forget that the word “faggots” is no longer an acceptable term for firewood, Don. Sorry! It’s not like I’d post such a word to light up your sitemeter.

    As if your search engine isn’t red-lining from the “forced erections” post title! Hee hee.

    • 2:55 am

      Thank you once again Joan.

      No need to apologize. The meaning of words change entirely too quickly for my likely. In fact, I had to stop myself when responding to your first comment. I very nearly thanked you for pointing out my boner (meaning mistake, of course). Unfortunaltely, that is another word that has been sadly corrupted by the young.

      Many thanks Joan.


  8. The Celtic Queen permalink
    1:27 am

    Before your blog people would reel back in horror at my very suggestion that most men shouldn’t need these performance enhancing pills. I for one don’t want to lose those fours of the day hiding hubby in another part of the house should visitors arrive. Thank you Don for seeing things as they really are. I also don’t know any women who would or could participate for 4 hours either as I have asked all my friends. I know there are certain types of women who would love it but none that I know of.
    Too much of anything is never a good thing.
    The billboards are another cause for concern. Very distracting indeed asking, “do you want longer lasting SEX?” Well I have to say, “not really, I’m driving on the freeway right now”.

    • DJ Mills permalink
      1:26 pm

      LOL (thinks back to the Movie “Road Trip):

      (As guest’s are arriving at the home of an elderly couple. The husband is in his easy chair watching an exercise show, the wife is on her way to answer the door)

      Wife: Honey, your boner!

      Husband: What do you want me to do, cut it off?

      • 2:23 pm

        Young Don Mills,

        Nice to see you back lad. I hope all is well. I haven’t seen that movie but I feel for the poor damned wife. I’m surprised she didn’t offer to cut if off for him.

        (And people would be wise to avoid those “exercise” shows. Nothing but thinly veiled pornography in my view.)

        Good to hear from young Don Mills,

        All the best,

        Old Don Mills

    • 2:22 pm

      Many thanks Celtic Queen,

      Billboards? Thank goodness I’ve been spared the sight of that. I try not to take my LeSabre out on the highway anymore – there are just far too many maniac drivers out there for my liking. At least now I understand why they’re all flipping between lanes, tailgating and speeding – they’re getting their heads filled with all sorts of degenerate sexual nonsense and rushing home to take a pill and annoy the wife.

      I fully agree that too much of anything is never a good thing. And honestly, if a man has some issues in the manly area and wants to have a quiet word with his doctor that’s fine. But why the Hell do they need to mass market the damned things? It’s shameful.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.


  9. 1:38 am

    Dear Don,

    There are so many things wrong with this visual, but can you please explain of what use is a four hour erection if you are a narcoleptic? Anyone or anything could jump on and take a Yippie Kay-Yay ride without any notice. Just saying.

    “…drug companies should commit themselves to developing a pill that would stiffen people’s backbone and provide 4 hours of moral fortitude and god damned common sense.” So true.

    Best regards,

    • 2:23 pm

      Many thanks mcnorman,

      I hadn’t considered the possible risks for narcoleptics but you’re right – it could result in all manner of violation. And not just narcoleptics. I know plenty of seniors that nod off while knitting, watching television, driving…we could all be at risk of unwanted sexual advances.

      There is a cautionary tale in there somewhere.

      All the best mcnorman and thanks for stopping in to visit.



      • 5:06 pm

        Oh my Don, you have brought up some very valid points. A time for napping should be a peaceful endeavor.

        “…seniors that nod off while knitting, watching television, driving…we could all be at risk of unwanted sexual advances.”

        Can you imagine your children Googling your name and finding out you have become a YouTube sensation on Father’s Day?

        Horror, shear horror indeed Don.

        Why, I don’t know where I want to be now? Bates Motel or ?

        • 9:08 pm

          Seriously, it just doesn’t take much anymore and you are the “it” guy…dead or alive.

  10. Mary permalink
    1:57 am

    Indeed, sir! I tire of seeing those commercials on the TV all the time. Particularly the commercials for Enzyte with “Smiling Bob” and his creepily happy missus. So annoying! I do a lot of channel changing. I have no objection to the pills, to each his own, but I don’t want to have to hear all about it.

    Now, when they get that pill to stiffen backbones and provide moral fortitude, I’ll gladly watch those commercials and buy it for all these sorry, ass-draggin’ young people running around, giving the hard working, respectable young folks like me a bad name.

    Thank you for another wonderful column, Mr. Don!


    • 2:24 pm

      Many thanks Mary,

      They are damned frightening aren’t they? Makes you wonder just what the Hell goes on when these advertising people gather to “brain storm.” (Although brain storm may be an overstatement – more likely a light drizzle with a heavy fog).

      And I absolutely agree – to each his own. I don’t care what kind of snake oil people want to buy or what manner of foolishness they get up to in the privacy of their own homes but, like you, I just don’t want it thrust upon me during the Wheel of Fortune.

      Let’s hope they wake up and get to work on that backbone pill soon. They’d be doing us all a big favor.

      Best regards,


  11. 2:15 am

    I, too, have waxed on this subject:

    Those His and Her bathtubs outside? Would your Homeowners Association allow that?

    • 2:25 pm

      Thank you kindly merrilymarylee,

      I’ll pop over to give that a read right away. Thanks for the link.
      And I would hope our Homeowners Association would frown on front yard bathing but these days, you never know.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.


  12. 2:39 am

    I would think any male, no matter the age, would get a bit concerned about an erection lasting longer than a few minutes.

    • 7:17 am

      define “few” Yorksie 😉

    • DJ Mills permalink
      3:35 pm

      This reminds me of a D.L. Hugley quote:

      “Cialis has got the dumbest warnings in the world. ‘If you have an erection for more than four hours, you should call a doctor.’ If I’ve got an erection for more than four hours, I’m going to call a hooker.”

    • 3:45 pm

      Thank you Yorksnbeans,

      Certainly any sensible man would. It’s damned unnatural.

      Thanks for stopping in. Always a pleasure to hear from you.


  13. Susi Spice permalink
    3:08 am

    LOL oh Mr Mills, i wish you were my grandpa (i never knew any of my grandparents).

    I think perhaps if they will be ramming viagra down senior’s throats, the medical association needs to also, as you pointed out, increase their production of prosthetic hips, legs, and backs.

    It is not only seniors that get hit with this sort of thing. I am shocked at how sexual TV has become for younger children.

    In Australia for example, on tv, when I was about 6-12 years old we had Full House, reruns of the Brady Bunch, ALF, My Three Sons, and other non sexual shows. I turn on the TV now and almost everything on TV that is rated “family friendly” has got vampires killing other people with 15yr olds having sex and getting pregnant, talking about marriage in the very next scene they are in the class room in school uniforms worried about their pregnancy test.

    Now it comes back to that old saying does life imitate art or does art imitate life?

    Are children more sexual these days and TV just reflecting that?
    Are seniors so incredibly horny and sexually deprived and deprived of any kind of life satisfaction that they all need to be having sex with 21 yr olds like Hugh Hefner or going through IVF treatment to give birth to children at the age of 65??

    I studied marketing at university and two of the key concepts that is applied across the board in this consumer ridden world is:
    1. Give the customer what they want.
    2. What they want is what you want to sell them…

    • 3:46 pm

      Many thanks Susie Spice,

      First off, allow me to say I’m sorry that you never got to know your grandparents. Mine were an important part of my upbringing and I miss them to this day.

      I’m very pleased to learn that you were a fan of My Three Sons. An excellent television program if there ever was one. (And you’d never catch Uncle Charlie popping erection-inducing pills, that’s for damned sure). I tend to avoid children’s television programming but I’m sure your description is entirely accurate. It’s a shame to that we seem to feel this all consuming need to continually lower our collective standards.

      You raise many excellent points and questions, Susie. I don’t have any answers but I’m inclined to believe the notion that “what they want is what you want to sell them.” Unfortunately, the stuff they want to sell us is generally unadulterated crap.

      All the best.


  14. 3:27 am

    Speaking of ram, and boners, and politicians … hmmm, I forgot where I was going with this.

    • 3:46 pm

      Manys thanks Tricia,

      Not to worry, happens to me all the time. I’m sure there was a damned good point in there somewhere.

      Nice to see you. I hope all is well.


  15. 3:48 am

    It’s great that they have come up with pills to allow you to get your groove on Donald. Now if they could only make one that gets your old balls from dragging on the floor, then they might have something worthwhile.

    • 12:10 pm

      Can’t you just tie them in a knot Bearman ? 🙂

    • 3:47 pm

      Thank you Bearman,

      Sounds to me like you may have a promising future in the pharmaceutical sector. That’s just the kind of affront to old people that they’ll want to start working on next.

      But if you do, you can tell them from me that it will be a cold day in Hell before they get their hands on my testicles.

      All the best and thanks for getting me all riled up again.


  16. 3:49 am

    I think whoever targeted erectile dysfunction medication towards seniors fantasizes about seniors in a way I was raised as a child never to think of my grandparents that way. Once I started picturing how my creation came to be, I began wishing the stork story was true.

    • 3:47 pm

      Many thanks Ahmnodt,

      I agree. Surely people have better things to do that concern themselves with the sexual activities of others – especially seniors. It’s intrusive and undignified. Sex is meant to be a private matter.

      Best regards,


  17. Debbi permalink
    3:53 am

    Hi Don,

    Well, you’ve outdone yourself with this one. You’ve really raised the bar (and I hope that’s all) on yourself! 🙂

    • 3:48 pm

      Thank you very much Debbi,

      Very nice to hear from you. To be honest, I’m not sure if I raised or lowered the bar with this particular post but I needed to get it off my chest.

      All the best,


  18. 3:53 am

    I completely agree with you, not least of all because contraception is charged for in this country. I mean, WTF?!?!?!?

    The first time I went to the pharmacy and was told I had to pay for the pill I started to laugh. I thought the pharmacist was joking.

    Say what you want about socialized medicine but, in England, girls can get the pill.

    I think that’s a lot more important than old men getting their wangs up.

    • 3:49 pm

      Many thanks ittybittycrazy,

      While I personally feel that there shouldn’t be a need for young girls to get the pill in the first place, I’d agree that keeping young people out of trouble is a far more pressing issue than building erections for seniors.

      Thanks for sharing your views. It’s always nice to hear from you.

      All the best,


  19. 3:53 am

    I think we should lay all of this at Bob Dole’s doorstep. Wasn’t he the first spokesman responsible for making “ED” a household word? (And I’m not talking about Mr. Ed, the talking horse, either.) Maybe if Liddy Dole had spent more time at home instead of gallavanting around Washington, Bob would have had more lead in his pencil. (The one in his pants, not in his hand.)

    And what is with those bathtubs anyway? To my way of thinking, taking a sitz bath together is not the most romantic way to get the phallic festivities started. Just makes me suspect that one of them has a rash….

    • Lily Fossil permalink
      3:59 am

      Election Dysfunction?

    • 3:50 pm

      Thank you texastrailerparktrash,

      I have to agree that Mr. Dole didn’t help the cause any. And regardless of what I might think of the man, it’s a damned unfortunate way to end a career.

      And the bathtubs are a mystery to me. Beyond being stupid as Hell, don’t they know it’s unsafe for seniors to climb into one of those big claw foot tubs? Getting in is easy enough, but getting back out can be dangerous business. A 4 hour erection and a broken hip is a very unfortunate combination – and, I suspect, embarrassing to explain at your local emergency room.

      Best regards and thanks for stopping in.


  20. 3:58 am

    Well Don, Praise the Lord and pass the Viagra, as they say when strange things appear in the collection plate.

    To quote B; I have no idea what that means.

    All I know is, you’re like fine wine getting better and better with age, and your brother provides the “two” in “one-two” punch. You spark a line of comment threads that take on a life of their own, and is most definately mi vida loco something something in French, or Spanish. I’m American, whaddoo I know that’s not on CNN, or those ads for hard ons?

    Not a clue . . . just babbling now. The late hour, you know. My four hours are up and up and up! G’night my friend!

    • 3:50 pm

      Many thanks Dan,

      Always a pleasure to have you stop in. I have no idea what “Praise the Lord and pass the Viagra, as they say when strange things appear in the collection plate” means either but it could well end up on a billboard near you.

      All the best,


  21. Lily Fossil permalink
    4:08 am

    I think Rolf Harris could be on the stuff too!

  22. Friar permalink
    4:24 am


    Four hours?

    Jesus…that would be pretty painful, even for an 18-year old!

    What are they trying to do…kill old people?

    • 3:51 pm

      Many thanks Friar,

      I’m not sure if they are trying to kill us, shame us or just pry every last cent out of our wallets. A combination of all three I suspect.

      Good to hear from you, Friar. I hope all is well in the Great White North.


  23. 4:35 am

    Good point Donald, its about time you devoted a post to the ‘throbbing thill hammer.’ You have every right to be viaggravated, I know I am.

    • 3:51 pm

      Thanks for visiting fundamentaljelly.

      I’ll be sharing “viaggravated” with the lads at the seniors centre. They’ll be sure to get a chuckle out of that one. Many thanks.

      Best regards, FJ,


  24. 5:04 am

    How many hidden innuendos can you get in one blog, Don?

    • dave permalink
      8:20 am

      I was just thinking the same thing…well done

    • 3:51 pm

      My dear Claire,

      You’re far too hard on me. Hidden innuendos? I’m shocked. And I can assure you that if they exist, they were entirely accidental.

      Best regards,


  25. 6:03 am

    When I was a lass and a beau would come calling, I never ceased to be mortified at the array of advertisements for feminine hygiene products on TV. I remember praying the good Lord would strike me dead or at least change the channel.

    Now I find it amusing that these grown up lads squirm with embarrassment whenever an advertisement for male enhancement comes on TV. I know they are worried that their lady friend is wondering if the plumbing still works or if it needs help.

    • 4:39 pm

      Many thanks yellowcat,

      I’m sure the lads found the feminine hygiene commercials equally uncomfortable and embarrassing. I know I did.

      Many thanks for visiting. Always a pleasure to have you stop in.

      Best regards,


  26. 6:16 am

    Ah gee, Don. At least Erectile Dysfunction is an actual disorder. What about Ms. Shields flogging “Latisse”, which will correct your deficient eyelashes and make them long and thicker. And the only real bad side effect is the risk of blindness or having your eye color permanently changed.

    • 4:40 pm

      Thank you very much healingmagichands,

      Deficient eyelashes? Thank goodness someone came up with a cure before it was too late. I suppose blindness is a small price to pay for full figured eyes.

      All the best,


  27. Lily Fossil permalink
    6:25 am

    Dear Donald,

    This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat.

    His wife said, “Where are you going?”

    He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”

    And she said, “Why, are you sick?”

    “No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

    So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”

    She replied, “I’m going to the doctor too.”

    He asked why.

    She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!”


    ps I think I would be needing more than a Tetanus shot!

  28. Catherine permalink
    7:38 am

    Dear Donald

    As ever your post made me laugh, this time till I howled. There were so many great lines, I don’t know where to start.

    On a serious note, I read an article the other week saying that the biggest increase in sexually transmitted diseases is in the senior section of the population, and they put that firmly at the door of these erection making pills….

    Best wishes


    • 4:41 pm

      Nice to hear from you Catherine,

      I appreciate the kind words. Thank you.

      I’ve been warning York (as has Lily) about the possibility of sexually transmitted disease for a while. Fortunately for him, getting slapped in the face is a relatively low risk sexual activity.

      It’s shocking and I had no idea that seniors were responsible for the biggest increase in STDs. Thankfully, I’m sure the drug companies will swoop in and save the day.

      Honestly, we old people take enough pills. Add viagra and penicillin to the mix and we’re all going to rattle when we walk.

      Best wishes to you as well.


  29. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    10:06 am

    Don, a post about erections, I think you may be reading too many comments from as young people, maybe we are a bad influence! Although I have to agree there are so many other important ailments that pharmactical companies could be treating. You point about a derranged drug company employee made me imagine something like the following.

    “Hmm, I wonder if we could get them to make a super erection pill, Dr. Smith?”

    “What did you just say, that is one of the strangest things I’ve ever heard, Dr. Doe”

    The next day in the break room, he mentions to someone from coporate.

    “Dr. Doe, wants to make a super erection pill, I mean what company would think that is worth their resources right?”

    “Yes, who would, just out of curiosity do you have a note pad, I just want to jot something down”

    • 4:42 pm

      Thank you kindly lookingforsomethingtofind,

      I have to admit I wondered as well if those damned young people were finally getting to me. This is a little outside of the norm for me. I’ll try to get back on the straight and narrow next week.

      I suspect the conversation went very much as you imagined it. With the possible addition of the man from corporate pulling out his calculator, making some frenzied calculations and then rubbing his hands together in glee.

      All the best.


  30. 11:33 am

    This was one of your funniest, most erudite and chortle inducing post ever Don! I agree with you mostly, but I think it goes even deeper than that. I think big business has aligned with the media and entertainment industries to emasculate men. You can’t even wait in line at the grocery store for the mostly retarded cashier to ring up your All-Bran, Digestive Biscuits and tube steak without having to read the covers of Cosmo and Redbook and the like. They go on about how to make ‘your man’ have copulation 3 times a week. About how you ‘the girly’ should be having 14 orgasms every night, and on and on they go.

    What ever happened to stumbling on top of your women once a month and only after a long night with Mr. Jack Daniels, until you either pass out or produce offspring?

    The drug companies shouldn’t be allowed to worry about erections until they find a cure for stupidity and an unguent to eradicate assclownism!

    • 5:01 pm

      Many thanks Scott,

      I think you may be on to something here but I’m not sure if the goal is to emasculate men or just make us all feel woefully inadequate. I have no issue with young people feeling woefully inadequate because science has repeatedly proven that to be true. But when they start targeting seniors – well, I tend to get up on my hind legs a little.

      Nevertheless, I agree with your assessment about the drug companies but suspect if they ever eradicated assclownism they’d be shrinking their own market by somewhere in the vicinity of 90 per cent.

      All the best, Scott. Appreciate your taking the time to visit with me.


    • YellowRoses610 permalink
      4:34 am

      Only once amounth? O_o Wow my girl anmd I are doing well. More likely to pass out than het off spring though. *Ahmem

  31. 1:44 pm

    I’m with you! I don’t like having erections rammed down my throat either.

    • 5:02 pm

      Many thanks XUP.

      A sensible view. Glad to see we’re in agreement.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting.


  32. 3:53 pm

    “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t object to erections in principle – I just don’t want them rammed them down my throat every time I turn on the television.”

    Or at any other time, I’d suspect.

    • 5:03 pm

      Nice to hear from you bmj2k,

      Absolutely not. I could do without it entirely thank you very much. It’s damned disgraceful.

      All the best,


  33. 4:03 pm

    If we could slip both viagra and a sperm-killer into these damn punks jammer juice, we could kill two birds with one load. They’d expire from too many hours of boners and not procreate at the same time. Hence, the gene pool would be rid of further lawn stompers and dopers, and us older, wiser generation could live out the rest of our damn lives in peace.

    • 5:03 pm

      Many thanks Jammer,

      This damned jammer juice of yours is sounding better and better all the time. Let me know if you need any seed money – this is one investment opportunity I don’t want to miss.

      All the best and thanks for visiting. Always a pleasure to hear from you.


  34. DJ Mills permalink
    5:10 pm

    I was in the emergency room earlier this week (under circumstances not completely unrelated to this post). I waited for nearly two and a half hours to see a doctor. While sitting in the waiting room, I noticed that the majority of the patients were elderly men wearing long coats. Now I’m not trying to make any suggestions, but it does make a person wonder. I would assume elderly folks get enough trips to the hospital without the added stress of the little blue pill. Why would someone subject themselves to such a situation, all for a little happy time?

    It also makes me wonder who’s really running these drug companies. The most common advertisements we see are for erectile dysfunction and male patterned baldness. I’ll leave it up to you to connect the dots.

    I concur with a suggestion Chris Rock made years ago: The world will never see a cure for AIDS or cancer. The money is not with the cure, the money is with the drugs.

    On one final side note, you sure do have a lot of sayings and slang terms for sporting wood. I’m quite surprised and impressed. I was under the impression us youngsters were supposed to be the vulgar, perverted ones.

    “I took a Viagra, got stuck in me throat, I’ve had a stiff neck for hours.”-Michael Caine

    • 2:05 pm

      Many thanks young Mr. Mills,

      I’m sorry to hear you were in the emergency department but appreciate your leaving the details sketchy – especially given the fact that the circumstances for your visit were not “completely unrelated to this post.” Please try to be more careful with your equipment in future, lad, despite what MTV would have you think it’s not a play-toy.

      I’m disheartened to learn that the ER was well populated with old men in long coats. Assuming it wasn’t ZZ Top, I would have to guess that you are right and it was a case of old men overdosing on the damned erection drugs. It makes me embarrassed to be a senior and, honestly, I have no idea why they would subject themselves to such humiliation.

      As for my slang, I try to avoid being crass but this post called for some measure of harsh language. I had hoped to manage it in as tasteful a manner possible but acknowledge that I had to use some questionable wording. I still maintain, however, that it’s the damned young people that are truly perverse and vulgar.

      Thanks for the comment, D.J., I’ll get to work on connecting the dots and soon as I finish my Jumble.

      All the best,

      Don Sr.

  35. 8:26 pm

    Don, thanks for erecting up for the rights of seniors to some dignity. When I saw that commercial on TV, it left me quite amused and somewhat disgusted. So, your post rings bells at my end. And yes, what God damned perverted sodomist research team came up with that 4 hour warning? 4 hours for God’s sake! Are they making drugs to screw the neighbouhood?

    • 2:06 pm

      Many thanks gurdas,

      I appreciate your comment and your stopping in to visit. As long as there are affronts being perpetrated against us seniors, I’ll be looking to set things right.

      All the best.


  36. 8:38 pm

    Trust me Don, I may not be a Senior citizen (nor do I have any intentions of ever being one for that matter), but I’m still picking up everything you’re putting down.

    As you may or may not recall, I once worked at a Fitness Club that catered to “affluent yet extremely elderly” CEO-types. Because the GM of the club was a cheap bastard and the place was a “Pharmaceutical Companies’ Wet Dream” (excuse my slang), drug companies like Viagra would pay big bucks to have their ads posted all over the place.

    I’m telling you Don, not a day went by when those overly-ripened erections weren’t being forcefully rammed down my naïve and eager to please throat. While it didn’t bother me much at first (the considerable pay more than made up for the minor inconvenience), it was only a matter of time before I just couldn’t take it anymore.

    It eventually got so bad that I developed a severe case of TMJ (aka. carpal tunnel syndrome of the jaw), and had to quit my job and go on long-term disability. But thankfully, besides the mild facial twitch and occasional migraine, I was able to make a full recovery.

    Remarkable post once again, Don. Your words are like an erection for the mind. (The kind that lasts longer than 4 hours.)

    Your friend,

    Ps. I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of ordering you a year-long subscription to National Geographic. Let’s face it; if anyone deserves to kick back and let their hair (or should I say “sparse comb-over”) down, it’s you.

    • 2:06 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled.

      My goodness but you’ve had a colorful collection of jobs. Thank goodness you’ve put this questionable position behind you and moved on to a more sensible job at the Zellers. I doubt you’ll encounter any erections there.

      I’ve never understood these fitness clubs to begin with. In my day, all a man needed to stay fit with was a chest expander and the regular exercise of manually changing the television channels. In my view, very little good can come out of an establishment full of sweaty people in spandex shorts.

      All the best Bschooled and thanks for the National Geographic subscription. That was very thoughtful of you indeed.

      Your friend,


  37. Polly Anna permalink
    10:00 pm

    Hilarious post, Don! I can always count on you to make me stop taking life so seriously. And those damned bath tubs!! I applaud you, sir, for putting our collective thoughts down in such a fun manner.


    • 2:07 pm

      Thank you kindly Polly Anna,

      I appreciate the kinds words and your taking the time to stopping in. Always nice to hear from you.

      Best regards.


  38. 11:50 pm

    Mr. Mills–Here is what I envision as a cautionary tale for “male enhancement” users.

    • 2:07 pm


      Thanks for sharing the cartoon. A cautionary tale indeed.

      All the best,


  39. downcastmysoul permalink
    11:53 pm

    I’d like to see some people get a BACKBONE pill. Most people are about as tough as used Kleenex despite the airs they put on. They could not operate w/o their SUV’s, cell phones, fast food and Internet PrOn. I’d want to see York in leather pants…

    • 2:08 pm

      Many thanks downcastmysoul,

      I couldn’t agree more with you comment (except the York part – I’ve had the “pleasure” of seeing it and trust me, it’s not a good look). This country needs to put its obsession with sex behind it and start getting back to some decent fundamental principles of character. Some backbone, moral fortitude and common decency would be of much more benefit to everyone.

      Many thanks and nice to see you. I hope you’re keeping well.

      Best regards,


  40. 12:53 am

    But Mr Mills, if the drug companies developed pills that gave moral fortitude and common sense, they’d be bankrupt. After all, developing some backbone and using common sense would lessen the need to pop a pill for some of the ills created by the lack of said values.

    • 2:08 pm

      Thank you Pie,

      You’ve hit the nail on the head with that comment. It’s sad but true I’m afraid. Many thanks for visiting, Pie.

      Best regards,


  41. downcastmysoul permalink
    1:11 am

    Just read it again: you did run into an innuendo a couple of times there!

  42. YellowRoses610 permalink
    1:17 am

    Dear Don,
    I have come to the conclusion that I must be some how realted to you. Our sense of humor is too similar for me not to be one of your illegitmate realitives.

    Also thank you. I never want to ever hear another Goddamned Word about Erections again, perticularly pretaining to older men. No offense, but ew, I don;t like guys my own age, much less people old enough to be my Grandad, Zeus’ balls what is the world coming to. This is a hard topic to rise to.

    Don’t get me wrong, I don’t object to erections in principle – I just don’t want them rammed them down my throat every time I turn on the television.

    also, I agree. Having erections forced down throats is unpleasent, from what I hear. (Having never even ksised a guy,I wouldn;t know)


    • 2:09 pm

      Thank you Rose,

      I’ll have a word with York. If there are any illegitimate children in the family I suspect he’ll have been somehow involved.

      And I’m in full agreement with you – let’s all just agree to end our fascination with the damned things, stop talking about them and get back to the business of bringing this nation back to its former stature.

      Always nice to hear from you Rose. I’ll let you know what I hear from brother York.

      Best regards,


      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        6:19 pm

        Oh, also I have a college update. I have some how manged to becopme, through no fault my own the teacher’s pet of Prof.Rose, who is in his early sixties. Gods in Olympus that man has a mouth on him. He screams obscenties at cellphone users, and actually under stands his subject, sadly a rareity.
        I already have a dissagrement with my Pyche proff, as he does not bellieve in SSRI’s, which are medical proven to be usefull. We got into an argument in class and he tucked his tial between his legs and started talking about Freude. I’ll be damned if I’ll be pushed around by some punk who looks a whole of five years older than me.

  43. momromp permalink
    2:22 am

    The Viagra et al. ads seem to air a great deal during the world news. I guess I’m one of the few people under 70 who watches the world news. (If it’s not a viagra ad, it’s an ad for Boniva, Seabond denture cream, The Villages, or scooter chairs. I must say that “The Villages” really does look like the happiest place on earth. I might move there when I’m a bit older.)

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      11:18 am

      At $500.00 fees per month after you own the unit in Australia you’d need to win the lottery just to get away from cutting lawns and cleaning pools. I reckon it’s a tad pricey. Oh yes and by the way you don’t own the land just your unit so if you want to sell you need approval for that too. Then they get a percentage of the profit if there is any. I think instead of being in the happiest place on earth they make you feel that you’re in the ‘departure lounge’. I think I’ll stay put.

      • momromp permalink
        6:14 pm

        Thanks for the info, Celtic Queen. Now I’ll just have to settle for whatever retirement home my daughter sticks me in forty years from now. Sigh.

    • 2:10 pm

      Nice to hear from you Momromp,

      As Celtic Queen points out, you’ll want to exercise some caution around “The Villages.” I’m always suspicious of these retirement communities. They make them look appealing on television but I always wonder if it isn’t just some attempt to round up old people, force them into lawnbowling shorts and fleece them of their life savings.

      Personally, I’m determined to stay in my family home until they cart me out under a sheet.

      All the best,


  44. 3:14 am

    Of things on my “bucket list” of not-bring-rammed-down-my-throat, erections rank between excrement and…no…that’s about it. #1 and #2…

    • 2:11 pm

      Thank you morethananelectrician,

      A sensible bucket list, lad, and that’s for damned sure.

      Thanks for visiting,


  45. 7:01 am

    LOL, I’ve seen that before at work and he usually comes in the morning so I guess it’s morning wood.

    • 2:12 pm

      Thank you Paul,

      Nice of you to stop in and visit with me. Thanks for the comment.

      All the best,


  46. 11:49 am

    Dear Don,

    Some might say that impotence is nature’s way of saying it just doesn’t want you to reproduce. You know, natural selection and all that.

    If that’s the case, then Viagra tells Darwin to shove it. Surely you’d approve of that?

    Just wondering,

    The NDM

    • 2:13 pm

      Nice to hear from you NDM,

      I’m very pro-natural selection. If only because it’s supposed to weed out the idiots.

      Congratulations on making it through to the final round of the 2010 Bloggie awards, by the way. Well done and highly deserved!

      I’m very hopeful that your fine blog will take top prize. And I’d certainly encourage others to visit your site at

      and to vote for your blog, in the “Best Aus/NZ Blog Category” at

      Good luck NDM.

      All the best,


      • 6:58 pm

        Dear Don,

        That’s mightily kind of you. Almost uncharacteristically kind, even.

        I can’t help but suspect you may be attempting to weed out any so-called “idiots” here by directing them to my site?

        Doesn’t matter. I shall welcome one and all with open arms and an open bottle of cheap champagne – even the cyrillic spammers. I may even make Flirtinis, if the mood takes me.

        Yours gratefully,

        The NDM

        • 7:31 pm

          Alan — You got my vote! (And Yuri’s!) Flirtini or no Flirtini… Although a quick one would be nice. Isn’t that right, Yuri?

          Yuri — Мы постарались все представить в 🙂 нужной форму.На 😉 сайте frigginglooпстарались 😆 все представить в жнойyoutubeнужной постара представить в нужной форму. постарались все 😛

          • 2:31 am

            Alpo! I was wondering where the hell you got to. Last we heard, you were on secondement to Hamish Industry’s Canadian office, but it turns out you’re sitting on my front doorstep with a drunken Russian with a laptop.

            Tell Yuri “Голосовать за 1 NDM” but whatever you do, don’t mention anything about the fact I’m trying to lose weight. You know how excited he gets about Acai Berry.

  47. 4:20 pm

    [rant]I don’t know why not having an erection (that can or can’t last up to 4 hours) is a big deal.

    I personally believe that the reason why long-lasting sex is such a big deal these days is because people are so open about and okay with pre-marital or extra-marital sex. I also think it’s because society is okay with someone having more than one sexual partner in their lifetime. So people want it to be ‘good’. But if you only ever have sex with one person, then between the two of you, it’ll always be ‘good’. You’ll have nothing to compare it to because you’ve only got and will only ever have one sexual partner, therefore, there’s no need to have pills that give men erections that last for 4 hours because his partner will be pleased with however long he can keep his erection.[/rant]

    • 12:57 pm

      Many thanks Danica,

      A very sensible rant and I appreciate your sharing it with me.

      All the best,


  48. 6:59 pm

    Hmmm. Not sure I’m with you on this one. As to “forcing erections” on me– I’s say that yes, it takes a bit of force to accomplish much in that area. Hell, I’d buy a tire pump if that was what it took to get the Colonel standing at attention.
    As to the 4 hour bit, it would take about that long to accomplish anything, so I’m good with that.
    A pill to create 4 hours of moral fortitude? 1) that is Science Fiction fer sure; 2) the skuzbags wouldn’t take it; 3)but maybe we could start sneaking it into the water supply–like chlorine.
    The one thing that DOES torque my nuts is the price. Waaay to high. If you can’t afford it you ain’t getting nothin’; if you save up and buy a batch, then I guess you are getting screwed twice–once by the Rx companies and then a second time (if you’re lucky). Cratch

    • 1:20 pm

      Many thanks Cratch,

      A tire pump? Good God man, what are you thinking? You’ll do yourself an injury. Take my advice, retire the Colonel from active service and let him serve out his remaining years in peace. You’ll be happier in the long run.

      And perhaps the outrageous pricing is a good thing. I can only imagine the mayhem that would occur if they sold in bulk at the Big Lots. We’d all be dead in 6 months.

      Best regards, Cratch, and thanks for visiting.


  49. 2:52 am


    well old boy , you certainly have fallen upon a stiff subject this time indeed !
    at times, I felt my self head over heals and out of breath at your current quandary.!

    never fear , I shall get a firm grip on this travesty with both hands ( with the help of my twin Au Pairs) I ( the three of us …..*four* if your so inclined “, will reach around far and wide to get to the bottom of this attack on human indecency !

    by the way , I seem to be out of olive oil , if you are on your way over, and happen to pass by the piggly wiggly , would you mind grabbing a bottle or two….for research purposes…you understand ~Dave

    • 1:25 pm

      Many thanks Dave,

      I appreciate your willingness to look into this issue and your sticktoitiveness but use caution, lad. This is nasty business and I’m told that viagra is just a gateway drug. A gateway to what, I’m not sure, but I’m guessing it must be something damned nasty.

      Many thanks for visiting.

      All the best, Dave. I hope you’re keeping well.


  50. robinaltman permalink
    2:32 am

    But those people using Viagra look so happy! They hold hands and swing on playground equipment. It looks really idyllic to me. When the time comes (so to speak), I’m going to try some. Or maybe I’ll just shoot heroine. Who knows?

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      7:30 am

      I sounds like to me that you may already be shooting heroin, no ‘e’ as I haven’t seen any of what you’ve describe advertised.

    • 1:15 pm

      Many thanks Robin,

      Don’t be fooled. The oldsters in those ads look frightening to me – all glassy eyed, doped up and throwing footballs in their back yards – they’re like Stepford Seniors.

      The drug companies make it look like a good time but before you know it they have you hooked and then you’re off selling blood just to raise the cash to get another damned erection.

      It’s nasty business and that’s for sure.

      Thanks for visiting, Robin. Always nice to hear from you.


      • 10:56 pm

        “and then you’re off selling blood just to raise the cash to get another damned erection.”

        That is, of course, a self-defeating action, as when you sell enough blood (those back-alley blood banks don’t care how much they take) you won’t have enough left to get an erection. Therefore you need stronger pills, sell more blood, and eventually pass out in the street where we can just step over them.

        • 1:09 am

          An excellent point, bmj2k. Thanks very much for pointing that out.

          Sadly, that’s the way things go with most drug use. Shame really.

          All the best,


  51. 12:31 am

    Good on you, Uncle Don. Not only are you finally writing about erections, but you’re on the damn Facebook. In celebration of this momentous event, I sent you a package today… So keep an eye out for your mail, a pair of hot red leather pants (with your name on them) should be arriving soon. Enjoy!

    • 1:14 am

      Jesus Alan,

      You’re right! Erections, Facebook…I’ll be sporting a mohawk, piercing my nose and tweeting people ironic observations soon. I need to take some of my own advice and smarten the Hell up. Thanks for the wake-up call, lad.

      I think I can find a decent home for the leather pants.


  52. 5:28 pm

    “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t object to erections in principle – I just don’t want them rammed them down my throat every time I turn on the television.”


    Tsk, tsk, Mr. Mills.

    • 5:58 pm

      Duly admonished, Ms. Villars.

      “Rammed down my throat” is an expression I use quite often but, in retrospect, it was a poor choice given the subject matter.

      Many thanks and my apologies for any offence caused.

      Best regards,


  53. Frankelstache permalink
    8:04 pm

    Dear Donfather,

    This is a superb post. I’d say it gave me a cerebral erection, however that will be lame, and maybe even a tad expected. It’s been a while since I visited here (crazy work as an ad executive). Glad to know you’re still as sharp as a vampire’s bite.

    Erecting in your honor,


  54. 8:29 pm

    A crabby old fart, known as Mills
    spurned the use of blue pills.
    He said, “I don’t need viagra.
    If I want to, I’ll shag ya!”
    So he stuck to his blog, for his thrills.

    …move over Wordsworth, you daffodil hugging amateur.

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