Affronts to Old People #9: Forcing Erections on Senior Citizens
Few things chap my ass more than these damned multi-national drug companies and their insistence on churning out all manner of erection-inducing pharmaceuticals.
What the Hell has our country come to when the focus of our medical research has shifted from the treatment of respectable illnesses like whooping cough, rheumatism and brain fever to how to provide some feckless asshat with an erection that will last up to, but no longer than, 4 hours?
(And who decided that 4 hours was the point at which an erection becomes dangerous anyway? I’d like to know what kind of highly perverted, federally-funded clinical trials went into the discovery of that particular insight.)
I haven’t read the New York Times in a while but I was under the impression that there were still one or two illnesses floating around out there that needed some tending to. Have we really solved all of the ailments of the world and just moved on to striking items off some medical researcher’s degenerate “wish list”?
My biggest beef, however, is that they target these store-bought erections at us seniors. Just what in the Hell did we do to deserve this attack on our dignity?
I don’t need some smarmy thirty year old ad executive telling me that my life is incomplete just because I’m not cruising discotheques in pair of leather slacks with a wallet full of lubricated condoms. And let me tell you, if I ever do find myself in need of an erection, I’ll get one the old fashioned way and peruse a copy of the National Geographic thank you very much.
These drug companies seem to be determined to turn bingo halls across America into supercharged dens of sexual iniquity – they’re creating a seniors Sodom and geriatric Gomorrah for Christ’s sake. And they aren’t going to be happy until every old codger in the land is popping perversion pills and doing the god damned hoochie-coochie morning, noon and night. It’s immoral, indecent and damned insulting too.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t object to erections in principle – I just don’t want them rammed them down my throat every time I turn on the television.
In my view, rather than finding means to put lead in an old man’s pencil, drug companies should commit themselves to developing a pill that would stiffen people’s backbone and provide 4 hours of moral fortitude and god damned common sense.
In all honesty, it would make for an uplifting change.