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You’re on my List, Damn it!

Old people keep lists. It’s what we do.

Lists keep us organized, productive and help us to remember things when our memory starts to fade. They also keep us organized.

In addition to the standard “grocery list”, “to-do list” and “neighbors that may be communist sympathizers list” that you’d find in any decent American household, I maintain over 200 other active lists at any given time.

Here are a few samples:

List of Formal and Informal Grudges

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a wonderful conversation with a dear old friend only to remember an hour and a half later that I hate their damned guts.

Sometimes it’s difficult to keep track of eight decades worth of historical slights, family transgressions and trivial personal vendettas. So, in order to keep my enemies straight and my grudges straighter – I make sure to write them all down.

Words I Need to Look Up List

I get a fair amount of moronic email from damned young people and most are full of words I’ve never heard of. So, in an effort to determine if these pups are being polite, disrespectful or just chowder-headed shortstacks* I like to look them all up. (Besides, I’m a wordophile or lingophile or whatever the damned term is for someone who enjoys words.)

Tonight I need to look up “pornocchio”, “doppelbangers” and the very offensive sounding “demi lovato.”

*See list of derogatory terms for young people

Signs of the Apocalypse List

I like to stay one trot ahead of the four horsemen so I keep a detailed list of signs that the world is about to come crashing to an end. Based on my current list of portents: “global economic crisis”, “wide scale artificial hip recalls” and “Piers Morgan five nights a week on CNN”, I’m confident we should be meeting our maker sometime before next Arbor Day.

List of Symptoms to Review with My Physician

At my age keeping track of all your aches, pains and suspicious moles can be a damned grind. But with this list, I simply jot down any unexplained bout of vertigo or unusual gland swelling and hand it to my family doctor for review and diagnosis at my next scheduled check-up.

(I’m anxious to see what he makes of my current list which includes: sunken eyes, enlarged spleen, swollen breasts, violent nose bleeds and rice-water stools. Based my research, I believe I may have either cholera, endometriosis or a dinopeptic germ.)

Don’s Bucket List

This has nothing to do with asinine dreams of climbing Everest, playing professional Jai Alai or trading smooches with Angela Lansbury – I’m referring to a list of actual buckets I would be interested in purchasing. At the moment, I have my eye on a rather dandy yellow Rubbermaid Mop Bucket with detachable wheels and a 3-gallon water capacity.

List of Relatives Currently out of Favor

(I’m actually scrapping this one for a list of relatives currently in favour. It should be significantly shorter and much easier to maintain.)

List of People I have Outlived

Nothing gives an old man more pleasure that outliving his closest friends and contemporaries. Sitting down with a glass of ovaltine, a red pen and the obituary page is one of the highlights of my day.

It’s also a form of validation. I may not have been as successful as Seymour Hodge or been able to beat him on the golf course – but on the back nine of life I have him by six strokes (and one massive coronary).

This is one part of my “death triology” which comprises the “list of people I have outlived,” the “list of people I intend to outlive” and the “list of teen pop stars whose careers I intend to outlive.”

List of Suspicious Licence Plates

I’m convinced that the house across the street is either an Al Qaeda terror cell, a grow op, an unlicensed day care centre or a combination of the three. In an effort to assist law enforcement I’ve placed binoculars by my front window and recorded the licence plates of over 600 vehicles that I don’t recognize and which have no damned business being on my street.

Derogatory Terms for Young People List

Just because I can’t call them “damned young people” all of the time.

Current terms include “chowder-headed shortstacks”, “slack-jawed nincompoops”, “gormless peckerheads”, “panty-waisted dimwits”, “braying jackasses”, “tweet-farting morons”, “drug-addled poindexters”, “pinheaded dullards”, “Fubsy layabouts”, “whinging sandbaggers”, “baggy-panted miscreants”, “incorrigible whippersnappers” and the always popular “feral assclowns.”

I rotate the last list fairly regularly, so if you have any recommendations, please feel free to pass them on.

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121 Comments leave one →
  1. 9:17 pm

    Up to the usual standard. VG.

    • 9:20 pm

      Many thanks minlit.

      Straight to the damned point. I like that. Always good to hear from you.

      Best regards,

      Don

  2. 9:19 pm

    I’m not sure if my favorite bit was the moniker “feral assclowns” or that your Bucket List contains actual buckets. Thanks for a great afternoon wind-down. I didn’t want to work anyway!

    • 9:23 pm

      Thank you Elyse,

      I can’t take full credit for the feral assclowns crack. When I first started the blog some years back a young lad called me an “assclown” and for some reason I still can’t quite explain, I just decided I liked the damned word. (not as much as I like that bucket, mind you. It’s a beauty.)

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  3. Anonymous permalink
    9:22 pm

    I always enjoy your blog. Thanks for the good entertainment.

  4. 9:24 pm

    Thanks Anonymous,

    Appreciate the kind words.

    Best regards,

    Don

  5. 9:25 pm

    I am a big believer of lists. The first list I look at each morning is the list that contains the lists that I need to look at for that day. If a person is not organized, he or she will spend half of their life wondering why they don’t have time for anything.

    • 9:33 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      You’re absolutely correct. In fact, number 7 on my “list of reasons to maintain over 200 active lists” is the very important role they play in organizing one’s life.

      Glad to hear you’re a believer.

      All the best,

      Don

  6. 9:25 pm

    Yours is on my list of favorite blogs.

    • 9:35 pm

      Thank you Being Jewish in Hawaii,

      Very kind of you to say. I appreciate it.

      Warm regards,

      Don

  7. Anonymous permalink
    9:32 pm

    All Right! As a registered crotchety old coot I think most of your stuff is crap; BUT the “Lists” thing is pretty good. Now I (grudgingly) have to put you on my “E-mails I better at least take a quick look at before I Nuke” list.
    Cratch deGeezer

    • 9:39 pm

      Thank you Cratch,

      I appreciate that and will be sure to add your comment to my “damned by faint praise list.”

      Always good to hear from you.

      Don

  8. 9:39 pm

    I, too, keep a list of grudges. Realizing that I just said good morning to the jerk that lets her dog poop in my flower bed is just downright embarrassing.

    • 9:57 pm

      Thank you becomingcliche,

      Embarrassing indeed but it happens easily enough. Grudges can be very difficult to track – especially when you keep as many as I do. That’s why it’s important to write them down and review them regularly.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  9. 9:41 pm

    How about Fatheaded Douchebag?

    Once again, Don, you’ve made my day!!!! My problem with keeping lists is that I either lose them or get them mixed up. Do you know how embarrassing it is to take your Signs of the Apocalypse List instead of your List of Symptoms to Review with My Physician to your doctor? Last time that happened, I had to do some real fast talking in order to not be committed to a rubber room.

    • 10:04 pm

      Thank you trailerparkbarbie,

      I can see how that would be embarrassing. Rather like handing the “list of people I intend to outlive” to the police instead of the “list of suspicious licence plates.” Actually, now that I think of it, they tend to give you a funny look in either case. There’s no pleasing some people.

      One solution to your problem might be to keep an alphabetical list of lists, another list of lists which is sorted by category and a third that is sorted according to dates on your calendar. It may sound administratively cumbersome but, trust me, with a little practice you’re looking at no more than 3 hours a day.

      Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Best regards,

      Don

  10. 9:58 pm

    I’m a list-maker myself, but obviously a rank amateur compared to you. Your Bucket List is a classic! It tops my Favorite Lists List.

    • 10:10 pm

      Thank you PiedType,

      I’ve likely just had more experience. And the fact that you have a Favorite Lists List is a good indicator that you’re well beyond the novice stage. Once you get to the point where you have a separate list of “potential colors to paint the garage door” or “list of neighborhood cats that have crapped in your rose bushes” you’ll know you’ve really arrived.

      Best regards,

      Don

  11. 10:15 pm

    oh Don, as always you make my day with your wise words.
    I love lists and I bought a book titled “book of lists”.
    Please keep up your writings, they really are a lot of fun to read and I look forward to reading many more!

    • 10:40 pm

      Thank you Linda.

      Sounds like an intriguing book, I’ll add it to my Christmas wish list (not that it will matter – I’ll just end up with horrible neckties, gag coffee mugs and gift cards to places I’ve never head of).

      All the best,

      Don

  12. 10:19 pm

    Another good one, Don. I’m a Realtor (note the capital R and give appropriate homage) and I sometimes find myself hugging people who come in and being all chatty chatty. Only after they leave do I recall that they screwed me out of some deal. By then it’s too late, because they are driving away and laughing. With my money.

    • 10:50 pm

      Thank you lifeintheboomerlane,

      Hugging people? I knew you Realtors (homage paid) were free-spirits but that’s going a little far don’t you think?

      I believe I hugged 1 person in my entire 40 plus year career and technically it really wasn’t a hug – just an awkward attempt at the heimlich maneuver during a lunch buffer at a sales conference in Denver. Then again, perhaps if I’d be less “uptight” Reggie McFarland would still be in the toggle clamp business and not pushing up daisies.

      In any case, I’d highly recommend you start a grudge list and keep it close at hand. It sounds like it may just come in handy.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        8:20 pm

        The only people I’ve hugged in the workplace have been the ones dying of cancer as they walk out the door for the final time. To be honest, those were more “air hugs” than anything else.

  13. 10:22 pm

    You are clearly one of those people can make people laugh without trying very hard; thanks for the levity.

  14. Hanna permalink
    11:10 pm

    I should make a list of wise seniors I can look up to for wisdom :D…

    • 4:07 pm

      A fine idea, Hanna.

      If I might offer a couple of suggestions – C. Everett Koop and Ernest Borgnine would both make fine additions. They’re both on my list of “seniors I look up to for wisdom.” Koop is also on my “list of people I intend to outlive” but we have a complicated relationship.

      All the best and thanks for popping in.

      Don

      • Hanna permalink
        10:28 pm

        Hmm… sounds like a good idea. Thanks for this :).

  15. 11:31 pm

    Don – I once bought a book for a fellow senior friend. The title was something like The Wonders of Aging – the Golden Years. When you opened the book, it was all blank pages! Your blog posts make me laugh out loud and as the young people say today, “You Rock!” I have put you on my favorite blogroll list.

    • 4:39 pm

      Thank you very much, Dor.

      Sounds like an interesting book. I guess there’s no point, however, in asking if it comes in large print. Thanks for the kind words and for being added to your list, Dor, I do appreciate it.

      Best regards,

      Don

  16. 11:38 pm

    I love “tweet-farting morons” I try to understand twitter, but have failed miserably!

    I create lists all the time and even set my self 101challenges in 1001 days to make me get off my butt and do things rather than just procrastinate!

    Great post BTW, your dry sense of humour makes me laugh. You and Mr Piglet agree on so many things, it’s uncanny.

    PiP

    • 4:42 pm

      Thank you Piglet in Portugal,

      I too am stumped by Twitter. I’ve tried taking a look but the sentences are all backwards and full of strange symbols I can’t understand – reading it reminds me of stock exchange ticker tapes. Besides, I think people should be making an effort to speak in greater detail not less.

      Good luck with your lists. In my experience they are extremely helpful when it comes to dealing with procrastination.

      All the best.

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        8:26 pm

        All you need to know about Twitter is in their logo; a bunch of bird brains sitting up in the trees and chirping away in quick, meaningless, bursts.

  17. 11:45 pm

    Another excellent offering. I always enjoy your postings so!

    If I kept a list of those I’ve outlived, I’d need one of those dratted computer print out sheets with the green and white lines. They’ve been dropping like the flies they are since I was in high school and at age 62 I look back to see the fly swatter of life has taken down vast numbers of them. It must be because I prefer vinegar to honey and can move faster, I suppose.

    Considering how one could list those who fall by the wayside and clack our mandibles about our good fortune, I suppose the fact that about 2/3 of my law school entrance class never made it to graduation would be suitable for a list. Then again, they don’t have my student loans to pay back. What was I thinking going to law school at my age? Or is that another cranky list?

    • 4:54 pm

      Thank you Another Boomer Blog,

      Definitely another list. I have a lengthy “what was I thinking” list which includes things like: my 1969 business trip to Dayton, allowing myself to be talked in to trying on a Leisure Suit, backing Hiram Fong in the 1968 Republican National Convention and much, much more.

      You make a good point about the length of the list for those you’ve outlived. I’m hoping that when all is said and done mine will cascade down to the floor and flow out into the hallway. I picture it like Santa’s list – only slightly grimmer and filled with the names of dead old people instead of hopeful young children

      Always a pleasure to have you stop in.

      Best regards,

      Don

  18. 11:48 pm

    This is good material. I am going to print it out and save it for when I need such lists. ;) Happy Day to you.
    ~Valerie

  19. Anonymous permalink
    12:00 am

    You always make my day Don.

  20. 12:11 am

    What’s this, Don? The humour seems a little forced in places. Not your up to your usual subtly satirical standard?

    • 4:57 pm

      Thank you kindly Altheodi,

      I appreciate the frank response and honest criticism – it’s very helpful.

      Best regards and thanks again for stopping in.

      Don

  21. Curmudgeon in Training permalink
    12:20 am

    Well young one I see you are hitting on all eight again – good to see. If I didn’t have my lists II would be in right fine pickle. First list of every day has one thing on it – my name and address. After that it just goes down hill – I must confess though to being just a tad concerned over you preferring a 3gallon bucket (with removable wheels) over a smooching session with that pin-up Angela Landsbury.

    • 5:07 pm

      Thank you Curmudgeon in Training,

      There’s no doubt that Miss Landsbury is a fetching creature but I don’t really believe in these “bucket lists” – especially when they’re just filled with unobtainable nonsense.

      My 30-something neighbor shared his with me and I believe it included things like “fly the Tardis”, “throw the winning touchdown in back to back Superbowls” and “grow wings.” I have nothing against big dreams, but he may want to reconsider and try something more practical like “learn to park my car without knocking over my neighbors garbage cans” first.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

      • mysterycoach permalink
        10:35 am

        “Fly the Tardis” hahaha!!!

      • Sedate Me permalink
        8:30 pm

        Sir, if I could fly the Tardis, I’d be going back to “your day” so fast my neck would snap.

      • 3:17 pm

        Dear sir,
        I hate to be a stickler for spelling, but it’s “Angela Lansbury” — no “d” in her name.

        I feel that you also like to err on the side of correct spelling and thought I’d offer a friendly correction.

        Best,
        Sorcia

        • 9:19 pm

          Thank you kindly Sorcia,

          Stickle all you like. I appreciate the assistance.

          All the best,

          Don

  22. 1:03 am

    Great lists, Don. But I also like your other version of assclown, too.

    The feckless kind.

    • 5:09 pm

      Many thanks Friar,

      The feckless ones are the more common, somewhat domesticated assclowns native to urban centers throughout North America. The feckless ones are rarer, but equally disturbing.

      All the best.

      Don

  23. 1:11 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    I’m a little concerned about the swollen breasts you mentioned in your list of symptoms. I would ask if you are lactating but the imagery is a little disconcerting.

    Give my best to Ms. Landsbury if you should meet.

    Always a fan,
    Maddie

    • 5:16 pm

      Thank you Maddie,

      Sorry for any disconcerting imagery.

      I suppose I should play my symptoms a little closer to my chest (especially when they relate to my chest) but one does to tend to worry. Especially now that you can type any symptom into an internet search engine and come back with three million results varying from angina to zygomycosis. It was easier and less troubling when I had no idea if I had a head cold or black plague.

      All the best Maddie. Always a pleasure to have you visit.

      Don

  24. 1:50 am

    Whinging and gormless? A lot of people are thinking really hard about what those words mean and coming up with bupkis. Bravo.

    • 5:17 pm

      Many thanks myschoolhouserocks,

      Two of my personal favorites – especially as they relate to damned young people.

      Warm regards,

      Don

  25. 5:03 am

    Mr. Mills,

    Just when I thought I’d see a conventional bucket list, you were referring to actual containment units. Nice one.

    This is also the first time I’ve ever met someone who is not from my country mention Jai Alai. Props for that.

    Wishing you a good day,
    Nel

    • 8:14 pm

      Thank you Nel,

      I appreciate the “props” though I’m not sure what I’ve really done to deserve them. There is quite a contingent of Jai Alai enthusiasts over at the seniors center. I don’t participate but I’m told the wagering can get quite fierce.

      Wishing you a good day as well.

      Don

  26. aeonmagus permalink
    6:05 am

    G’day, Don.
    Once again, you render my sides to ache with your latest post. I try not to laugh so much, ’cause it’ll form wrinkles on the corners of my mouth and eyes much sooner than they should, but I can’t seem to help myself from doing just that when I read these blog posts. I probably need a List of Ways on How not to Laugh, or a List of Wrinkle-reduction Methods. Either way, I’ll keep reading these posts (while making those lists).
    More than 200 different lists is a bit excessive, I’d say, but it keeps you busy, so I shan’t complain. Although, I wager the list that would take a great deal of your list-maintaining time would be the List of Irate Young People, but let’s not go there.

    Sincerely,
    aeonmagus

    • 8:18 pm

      Good day to you aeonmagus,

      200 may seem a bit excessive but once they are all up and running it’s really just a question of routine maintenance…scratch a dead friend off here, add a bucket there, write down a licence plate over here and still plenty of time for my afternoon tea and digestive biscuits. In fact, I like to think they actually save me time and free up limited space in the old noggin as well.

      Very nice to hear from you again, aeonmagus. Many thanks for visiting.

      Don

  27. Spice permalink
    6:07 am

    I’ve come to the conclusion with my list is though it changes daily, a person could be permentally on it or be on and off. I LOVE the family list part, kinda reminds me of my family right now, thankfully not my inlaws who I love and adore. Mmm…. swollen breast… leaves me wondering. I hope you had a good day and I love reading your blog!

    • 8:24 pm

      Thank you Spice,

      Glad to hear about your in-laws. I always managed to get along well with mine as well. Of course, it likely helped that they lived in a different country, didn’t like to travel and had the decency to make a quick exit from my “list of people I intend to outlive.”

      The beauty of lists is the fact that they are subject to change and can be amended, edited or rewritten as many times as possible. In addition, they provide a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment – afterall, no one has ever started a “to-do” list without including two or three items that they can cross off before they even start.

      Try not to wonder too much about my physical state. At my age lists aren’t the only thing that change on daily basis – most parts of the body seem to as well.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  28. 8:22 am

    This is absolouetly the best one that I have ever seen from you Don… Love it.. And now I am thinking maybe I need to get a head start on some of those lists especially the relatives one!.. Not old enough yet to start with the Damned Young People List…although I can start the “list of teen pop stars whose careers I intend to outlive” and the Apocalypse Sign List!

    • 8:28 pm

      Thank you Varda,

      That’s very kind of you to say. It’s never too early to get a start on a good set of comprehensive lists, Varda, especially the Apocalypse one – after all, if the portents are starting to stack up in a convincing manner, you may not need to worry about keeping too many others.

      Warm regards,

      Don

  29. 9:01 am

    Good post Don,
    well up to your usual high standard.

    I do make lists a plenty, especially as my somewhat financially feckless offspring has moved back. I tried insults, barbed wire, claymores, ex-girlfriends, but alas to no avail.
    Since then I’ve been making a new list.

    How much he owes in rent
    How many light bulbs he’s burned out by leaving them on all night
    How much of my precious alcoholic beverages he’s consuming (it’s the single malts I really object to)
    How much bloody food he’s consuming. (Do all chowder-headed shortstacks come with worms?)
    How much petrol (gas) I have to put in his car (it’s actually my car, but guess who drives it?)
    How many times a month do i have to remind him to CHECK THE BLOODY OIL AND WATER you pencil necked moron)

    I do love him.

    I’ve got the list to prove it.

    Keep up the good fight Don, we’re all relying on you.

    PS
    I’ve got another list,
    They never will be missed

    • 8:35 pm

      Many thanks TwistedScottishBastard,

      Fine lists, each and every one. I’m not sure what you can do about the car, the food or the light bulbs but if I were you I’d make securing the single malts my top priority. I’m told that when offspring move back home, having a safe and steady supply of alcohol at hand is critical.

      I must say though I’m somewhat surprised that you haven’t included a list of “gallons (liters) of hot water used in daily shower” or perhaps “hours spent draining all hot water whilst in shower.” It’s been a while since I’ve had a young person lurking around the house but I seem to recall that the water consumption as almost as bad as the food consumption.

      Best of luck and thanks for visiting. And pass on my best to that lad of yours.

      Don

      • 8:58 am

        Don,
        you must be psychic or worse.
        My lad does indeed use multiple gallons of hot water every morning and evening. Water isn’t metered here in NZ,so it slipped my mind. Gas is unfortunately, and I’ve noticed my energy bills have doubled with his return.

        I would say however, that I would much rather pay (and I hope you realise how painful it isfor a Scot to even mention the word PAY) for the extra hot water rather than suffer the stench of decomposing adolescent skin cells, rotting smegma, acne, eczema and atheletes foot.

        Aye yours.
        TSB

    • fairy face permalink
      2:52 am

      TSB I saw a T Shirt that you’d have loved yestereday at the 60th Highland Gathering in Daylesford Vic Australia. It had the words “I’m Crabbit” on it and I can just imagine you wearing it as an offspring like yours would make ye crabbit. But as you say you love him so that’s all that matters.

  30. Anonymous permalink
    10:33 am

    Hahahahahaaaa!!!! Angela Landsbury? No, No… everyone has their taste, whatever makes you happy.

    I like your list of curse words there at the bottom. Much better than mine when I’m angry or venting. The best replacements I come out with are some stuttering and how someone is a poopy head.

    I did have a thought in the beginning while reading and laughing as always. I wonder, if it isn’t a good thing to let go of grudges as long as whatever the infraction was is not repeated. It’s like that thing where you are getting along with someone and then you remember suddenly you had a tiff with them once upon a time and then… maybe, we get to let that go OR discuss it. Depends on how hard it hits at the time.

    I have lists myself actually, I guess this is good preparation for the future! You Sir, have a very good day.

    MC

    • 11:51 pm

      Thank you MC,

      I still maintain that Ms. Landsbury is a remarkably handsome woman. And far superior in character, looks and talent to any young film star you’d care to name today.

      As for grudges, I’m more than prepared to bury the hatchet if someone is prepared to atone for their crimes and give me a damned apology. If they just assume that “time heals all wounds” however, they’ll find themselves in for a rude surprise.

      Keep those lists up – they’ll serve you well.

      All the best,

      Don

      • mysterycoach permalink
        11:57 pm

        Oh my comment did show up after all! Good. I know, I was teasing you, she is an attractive woman. You know though, I would disagree. There are some classically beautiful women in the world today in movies. Some times too … over done. My favorite is Jennifer Aniston.

        Amen to an apology. I hear you, and you know, I’m always sorry when I have an argument of some kind. Even if I mean what I say at the time, although I’d prefer not to have had the argument to begin with. I guess it goes to people not taking responsibility for how they make us feel, which is unacceptable to me.

        I will do my best to keep up on my lists. You are a busy man here in blogland. And good for you! I always enjoy what you have to say.

        MC

      • Sedate Me permalink
        8:39 pm

        Angela Landsbury gives me almost much wood as Betty White does. Man, watching The Golden Girls gave me -er- “palpitations”.

        The strange thing about Angela Landsbury is that she looked like she was about 50 at age 20 and, since actually turning 55, has barely aged at all.

        Front loaded aging I guess.

  31. 11:12 am

    I, too, am a fan of the list. Since I am currently employed at an institution of “higher education,” also known as a public liberal arts college, I am particularly grateful for your list of alternate monikers for Damned Young People. I’m wondering if, in your spare time, you would be able to compile a list of names for public liberal arts college professors. I would find a use for this list, as “pinhead” is becoming trite. Thank you sir.

    • 11:57 pm

      Many thanks happygirl,

      I’d be delighted to add this to my “to do” list.

      I’ve known more than a few liberal arts college professors in my day and can fully understand how easy it would be to overuse the term “pinhead.” I’ll get back to you with some thoughts just as quickly as I’m able.

      All the best,

      Don

  32. mysterycoach permalink
    11:14 am

    Oh man. I lost my original post. Hmmph.

    Excellent as always though! FUNNY! I have lists too!

    I kept thinking about the grudge portion of your post here and I keep thinking that unless they do it again, whatever it was that created the grudge … is it worth remembering to begin with? Random thought of mine … I have lots of ‘em!

    You Sir, have a wonderful rest of the day.

    MC

    • 12:01 am

      Thank you mysterycoach,

      Pleased we were able to get the missing comment mystery sorted out. It was fast becoming a case suitable to the considerable skills of Ms. Jessica Fletcher.

      All the best

      Don

      • mysterycoach permalink
        10:38 am

        You’re welcome. I actually love Ms. Fletcher’s shows, I love a good mystery that’s why I knew who you were talking about. I’m smiling broadly … can ya see me!!! ?

        Have a very good day Sir.

        MC

  33. 11:33 am

    I’m a huge believer in lists – but I don’t have a list yet for those on-going grudges. I guess that’s why I always forget when I’m mad at someone. By golly I think it’s about damned time I made a grudge list!!

    • 12:03 am

      Thank you amylleblanc,

      I strongly recommend it. If you make a habit of forgetting slights people are just more tempted to repeat them.

      Best regards,

      Don

  34. 12:43 pm

    I have the same problem with grudges!
    Must make a list.

    Great post!

    • 12:04 am

      Thank you Tin Roof Press,

      Very nice to hear from you again.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  35. Anonymous permalink
    1:12 pm

    Love feral assclowns, as a student I can relate this term to many of my peers!
    That’s made my day so much better, thanks!

  36. 2:45 pm

    What’s the difference between a formal and an informal grudge? I’m picturing a slap across the face with a fine, calfskin glove and English dueling pistols at dawn in the first category.

    • 4:35 pm

      I’d also like some expansion on the informal/formal grudges. This sounds like something I need to take up.

    • 12:32 am

      Thank you pegoleg,

      Nothing as dramatic a dueling pistols, I’m afraid.

      In the case of my formal grudges there is usually a defining action that is well-known to both parties and which is mutually understood to be the cause of the rift.

      For example, in 1971 a cousin on my wife’s side named Eddie broke a favorite fishing rod of mine due to a combination of gross incompetence and alcohol induced clumsiness. Not only did he fail to apologize and replace the rod, he had the gall to insinuate that I had supplied him with an inferior rod for the sole purpose of showing him up at the evening’s fish fry and humiliating him in front of his extremely dull children. Ugly words were exchanged (including a reference to his extremely dull children ) and we have not spoken since. In that sense, it’s formal – there is known and agreed to “event” that both parties acknowledge is at the root of our running feud.

      The informal grudges are less defined and not always known to the other party. For example, a neighbor recently borrowed a shovel and then returned it two days later than we had originally agreed upon. While he appears to think nothing of the late return – I have formed an informal grudge that I will hold until such time as he comes to his senses and apologizes for his actions. I will not tell him what the grudge is because part of the grudge is predicated on that fact that he did not recognize his own poor behavior. So, in this case, while he will feel the impact of the grudge (my cold behavior and a lack of ongoing shovel loaning) he will not really understand the genesis of the grudge or how to make it right.

      Hope that sheds some light for you and racheleditinglife.

      Always wonderful to hear from you peg.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • 9:15 am

        I think this ought to be a subject of a post in itself.
        this is my new fav blog
        j

      • 1:48 pm

        Thanks for clearing that up, Don.

        Your poorly-behaving neighbor won’t know what hit him when he tries to borrow your new, dandy, 3-gallon, yellow Rubbermaid Mop Bucket with detachable wheels and runs right into the cold wall of icy censure that marks the informal grudge.

        • 11:06 pm

          My pleasure Pegoleg.

          If he doesn’t smarten up, it may well be the new, dandy, 3-gallon, yellow Rubbermaid Mop Bucket with detachable wheels that hits him – smack across the head.

          All the best,

          Don

  37. 10:07 pm

    Absolutely priceless! You, Sir, are a star!

  38. 12:41 am

    My doctor wants me to keep a detailed list of what I eat. This was consuming a lot of time that could have been better utilized keeping an eye on the delinquents next door. Then I realized that I don’t have to actually write it down. I already have a detailed record on my shirts, so now whenever I have a doctor appointment I just take him a bag of laundry.

    • 11:15 pm

      Thank you Jonah,

      That’s a damned fine idea and one I just may have to use myself. I rather like the idea of walking the good doctor through the subtle differences between how green peas, green beans and brussel sprouts stain an old white oxford.

      Many thanks for the suggestion.

      All the best,

      Don

  39. 9:47 am

    Really funny! Thank you!
    regarding:”Tonight I need to look up”, I use urbandictionary.com

    I looked up the word “Chief” the other day, and no youngster seems to have a clue of its origin.

    • 11:23 pm

      Thank you markps2,

      Thanks for the tip. I tried my bound version of Websters but it seems woefully inadequate to deal with these unusual new words and phrases.

      I’m surprised about “chief” and more than a little curious. What exactly do they think the origin is?

      Best regards,

      Don

      • 9:55 am

        Regarding “What exactly do they think”.
        They use it as a verb with an entirely new meaning. The most popular answer is that “chief” is the action of smoking marijuana.
        from urbandictionary”Yo let’s go chief after school today.” 1762 people agreed

  40. 1:11 pm

    By far the funniest post I’ve read in WordPress! I was laughing paragraph after paragraph! And by the way, I’m nineteen.

    • 11:23 pm

      Thank you savingmybacon,

      I’ll try not to hold your age against you – it’s clear you’re a very bright young woman.

      Thanks for the kind words and the visit.

      All the best

      Don

  41. 3:46 pm

    Mr. Mills – with all these lists, do you also make a list of all the lists you have to remember?

    I apologize for being cynical but I thought you’d find the humor.

    Hilarious post! I especially like the Piers Morgan comment.

    • 11:28 pm

      Thank you Joe,

      Not cynical at all. Naturally, I have a list of lists (a master list if you will). It serves as a very handy reference tool and helps me to avoid duplication.

      I was more than a little embarrassed when I discovered that I had 3 separate “people to cut out of my will” lists – and even more embarrassed when I discovered that many of the people identified were also on my “people to include in my will” list. The master list helps clean up and avoid that sort of unfortunate administrative error.

      Best regards and thanks for popping in.

      Don

  42. 6:34 pm

    Sigh…you had me at “chowderhead”…

    • 11:29 pm

      Thank you awesomesauciness,

      It’s a fine catch-all word when dealing with young people. Definitely one of my favorites.

      Warm regards,

      Don

  43. Sara permalink
    10:24 pm

    I’m 35 and happy to be safely out of the panty-waisted dimwit category. I love your blog, Don, and this post was especially good. Too bad most of the targets wouldn’t be able to read half the words in it. I suspect the only long words they know are the ones across the backs of their pants.

    Sara

    • 11:34 pm

      Thank you Sara,

      You’re quite right about their reading habits. And as for the words on the back of their pants – I still maintain the only words that should be printed across any young person’s backside are “kick me”.

      A boot in the ass can only do a young person good.

      Many thanks for visiting.

      Don

  44. 4:15 am

    I keep a general to-do list, and on it was find more entertaining blogs to use as inspiration. I think, Mr. Mills, that yours will help point me in the right direction.

    • 11:57 pm

      Many thanks Russ,

      I appreciate that very much. Thanks for visiting with me – I hope to hear from you again.

      All the best,

      Don

  45. 9:30 pm

    You never fail to delight!
    Loved assclowns from the first, however, rotation would be the way I would choose to go also. I don’t like cliches and some feckless, chowder-headed shortstack might catch on.
    I was also charmed by literal buckets being on your bucket list! It’s only been a couple of years and I’m already sick to death of “bucket lists”, kick it already and make room for folks with some sense!
    The people who comment often add to the hilarity of your blog, thanks for writing!

    • 12:06 am

      Thank you Noreenheath333,

      The folks who comment certainly do bring considerable life to the blog. I likely would have packed this in ages ago if it weren’t for the interesting perspectives, unusual characters and asinine young people that stop by to have their say.

      All the talk of bucket lists has worn thin for me as well. They should call them bucket pots and tell people to &#*@ or get off of them (please excuse my swearing). People need to stop spending all of their time talking about doing grandiose things and reconsider their priorities.

      Honestly, if people just put “get a decent job, be a decent person and live a decent life” on their moronic lists and then actually worked toward it, they’d likely end up happier, healthier and more fulfilled.

      All the best, Noreenheath333 and many thanks for leaving me a note.

      Don

  46. Sedate Me permalink
    7:34 pm

    Sir, I have a bucket list too. But mine contains the names of people I’d like to torture until they fit inside my bucket. Unsurprisingly, the list itself is too big to fit inside said bucket.

    I would love to donate to your list of derogatory terms for young people. I just can’t stop making them up and a couple may even be worthy of being included in your rotation. Here’s just the (curse free) ones I came up with today:

    - Motarollin’ morons
    - electronically tethered troublemakers
    - future baby mamas (or daddies)
    - juicy-assed Jezebels
    - iLiterate iDiots
    - derelict douchebags
    - low-mileage low-lifes
    - zombified Twit Zoners
    - moronic mannequins
    - saggy panted penguins
    - unfunny chuckleheads
    - couch-surfing wipeouts

    and my nostalgic favourite

    - Littlest Hobos

    • 11:56 pm

      Thank you Sedate Me,

      An impressive list, lad. So Impressive in fact that I’m not sure which I’d like to adopt first – “electronically tethered troublemakers,” “couch-surfing wipeouts” or “iLiterate iDiots.” I suspect it will be the last one but that all 12 will eventually find their way onto my list.

      Many thanks for the contributions.

      Best regards,

      Don

      p.s. You really can’t top Littlest Hobos. It’s just in a class of its own.

      • Sedate Me permalink
        2:23 pm

        I’d be honoured if any make your rotation, sir. I shall try to follow your lead by keeping a list of them and may share some in the future.

    • 11:56 am

      I have a politician I’d like to add to your list.

  47. 4:28 pm

    You’re on MY list as funniest old dude, broski!

  48. 2:28 am

    I’m resisting aging by resisting keeping too many lists. Yea, silly eh?

    By the way, do you keep lists of visiting other blogs on that you like?

  49. 1:53 am

    Have you tried out the term, “assclamp” yet? It’s my new favorite. And one can always relay on a reliable stand-by, “wanker.”

    Just being helpful.

  50. fairy face permalink
    3:01 am

    Don I love the list of relatives curently in favour. My out of favour list would be far longer. Mine seem to be all dollar driven so much so that my brother in law couldn’t shut his damned take away food joint to attend his brother in law of forty years funeral. He’s now about to be transferred to my ‘HIT’ list.

  51. 3:13 am

    “List of Symptoms to Review with My Physician”

    I have one of those and use it with regularity!

    Tomorrow I have a few items to go over with my P.A. (Physician’s Assistant) at my local V.A. hospital, along with my list of twice-a-day blood pressure readings over the last 14 days. Seriously!!

    Cross your fingers and keep those blogs comin!

  52. Lois permalink
    12:39 pm

    I searched for funniest blogs and found a list that included yours. Of the ones on the list I checked out, yours was the only one at which I laughed out loud. This blog is hilarious and I am glad to have found it.
    I loved the list of derogatory names for these young people today. Also the image of some young punk sitting around in his underware at 3:00 PM (Having just gotten up an hour ago) trying to beat his highest score in Donkey Kong really hit home (so to speak, I am beseiged with forever young people, the good news and the bad news, I guess).
    And can you tell me this: what is with piercings covering seen and (presumably) unseen body parts? Seriously, can we say ‘OUCH’? N
    ot to mention freaky looking? What is up with all that?
    Thanks again for making me laugh and good luck with the list of neighborhood cats who crap in your rose garden.
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  53. 4:49 pm

    Don,

    This was an awesome blog post! My favorite term was ‘peckerhead’. It reminds me of my father-in-law, whom you have outlived. He passed away just last month just after turning 87. Not that he was a peckerhead, he used that term a few times to describe the young men who were helping him into the car when being released from the hospital.

  54. CJN permalink
    9:29 pm

    I love every bit of your blog sir. You hit every nail on the head.

  55. 9:55 am

    Bobble headed ninnytwits is a personal favourite

  56. The Domestic Monk permalink
    1:48 pm

    Very good. Always great to keep a list, maybe you should do a post on what a young persons list might look these days haha. Now that would be funny.

  57. TommyO permalink
    5:40 pm

    Don,
    Please consider “Over-ripe crotch fruit” for you descriptive list of youngsters.
    Respectively Submitted,
    TommyO
    Crotchety Old Man in Training

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