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The Problem with Young People – Trading Cards!

Fun for the whole damned family…

Introducing “Young People: The Trading Cards.” Over 30 different cards available! Buy them today, collect them tomorrow and trade them with your friends for years to come.

A small sample:

Card #1: “The Stoner” (a classic “must have” card for any serious collector)

the stoner with stats_final

 

 Card #7: “The Goth” (extremely rare and highly collectable)

trading card final goth v2

 

Card #4: “The Skank” (a very common card and traded freely among friends)

trading card final skank

Coming next– “The Wigger”, “The Fatkid” and “The Slacker.”

Another fine product from the old man at Donco, damn it.

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83 Comments leave one →
  1. 1:27 am

    Oh, Don. You’ve done it again. I want to collect them all – if only to warn my pre-tween children off drugs, makeup and breast implants.

    • 5:21 pm

      Many thanks NDM.

      I’m all about providing cautionary tales for the wee ones so I’ll be happy to send you a full set of the cards. You want to keep those damned pre-tweens on a tight leash – it’s the best way to avoid problems in the future. (You don’t want them to end up wandering around the streets drinking, swearing and wearing cocunut bras.)

      All the best,

      Don

      • jaundicedi permalink
        2:34 pm

        But if they do those things they can get a contract guarding the embassy at Kabul on a no-bid contract.

  2. 3:13 am

    Mr Mills

    HAHAHA This might be the funniest post ever…how true how true..my question is who are the retard parents letting these assclowns leave the house looking like that…if you look like billy campbell you need a foot in the ass..and told to get a serious job or education….i am with you on this Don……please dont do a trading card THE WIGGER…very negative connatation and it feeds into the stereotype..yeah its true but kids are idiots and have even stupider parents……..ahahhaahh you are a funny old old old man….zman sends….p.s. hope you found a nice place for the trophy….hopefully between your bocci ball trophy and your neil sedaka record collection..

    • 5:21 pm

      Many thanks Zman,

      I greatly appreciate the caution around the Wigger card. To be honest, sometimes I just hear these things and don’t fully undestand the connotations. Consider it struck from the list and accept my thanks for the “heads up.”

      I don’t know what the Hell the parents are thinking (or not thinking.) I’m sure I don’t need to tell who what my old dad would have done if I’d come home slathered in face paint with a chain dangling from my nose but I can tell you that it would have been significantly more than a foot in the ass.

      All the best, Zman.

      P.s. still looking for the best place for the trophy. I’m leaning toward the mantle (but that’s more about me losing one of my orthotic slippers). I’ll let you know when I decide.

      • 9:33 pm

        If YOU had a kid coming home looking like that (not bloody likely, I expect) would YOU want to be confronting them? A sensible parent would send the kid on an all-expenses paid trip to The Bowery in New York or East L.A…. and move before they got back.

    • Thanatoast permalink
      4:10 am

      Steve does not speak for all of us. I’d LOVE to see the Wigger card.

  3. 6:21 am

    I still want stock in Donco.

    The trading cards are genius. I’m not surprised that the Skank card is common and traded freely. There’s one in every pack.

    • 5:22 pm

      Many thanks Claire,

      You’re welcome to as much stock as you’d like. Knit me a nice sweater and you can consider yourself a 50% owner.

      Nice of you to visit. I trust you’re well.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 4:02 am

        The sweater is on the way. I assumed you wear a medium and that you would appreciate earth tones.

        • 10:27 pm

          Many thanks Claire. That’s damned nice of you.

          Correct on both counts. I’m particularly fond of brown, beige and tan. (Sienna and Russet are okay too.)

          All the best,

          Don

  4. 6:31 am

    They are works of art, Sir!

  5. 9:37 am

    I just want the goth

  6. jammer5 permalink
    1:25 pm

    The Tripster: He’s got pants hanging so low, after he robs his local liquor store, dropping his wallet in the process, he trips over his own pants, falls on his face , knocking out both his two front teeth and himself. At his trial, he is committed to the prison for the criminally stupid. He still can’t figure out why.

    • 5:25 pm

      That’s a keeper for sure, Jammer.

      If you have no objection I’m going to expand the line up to 31 cards and include your suggestion. I think the card should include his grinning-idiot mug shot.

      Many thanks

      Don

      • jammer5 permalink
        4:25 pm

        I’d be honored, and I’m sure the Tripster would neither care nor understand.

    • 9:41 pm

      You’d think that watching “Cops” a few times some of them would have figured out that the pants are a deterrent to a swift and complete get-away. But having worked retail for many years and caught my share of thieves in my day, I know that the average criminal is not the sharpest knife in their drawers.

      My favourite was the deaf shoplifter who didn’t realize that 1) having seen him in the store a number of times at the same time as a remarkable number of American Sign Language CDs went missing, more or less pointed him out as the culprit… and 2) The a box being ripped open actually makes noise… it actually makes a LOT of noise…. A point I made to him as he was being escorted by security off the floor.

      I don’t know the AM Sign sign for “you are an idiot” but I think he got the message.

  7. 1:40 pm

    Forget the Veg-O-Matic and Cap Snaffler, from now on the only infomercials I’ll be watching are the ones featuring the inventions of Don Popeil!(Mills)

    Seriously Don, I have a lot of Marketing experience(1.5 semesters worth), and I’m telling you these creations of yours have the potential of going all the way (especially the last one).

    One question…wyou be willing to expand into designing bobble-head dolls? I realize that the skank’s upper torso area might make things a little difficult, you’d need to design it so that she was somehow on her back (good luck), but the stoner and the goth would be cash cows.

    I realize it’d be easier if you were 40 or so years younger, but it’s obvious that you have a gift. All I ask is that you think about it.

    Who knows, perhaps this could be you one day- http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/1997/Mar-26-Wed-1997/photos/popeil.jpg

    (only much older)

    Respectfully yours,

    Bschooled

    • 5:31 pm

      Many thanks for the kind words and encouragement Bschooled,

      I think the bobbleheads are a damned good idea. Perhaps another idea would be those weighted punching bags that weeble, wobble but don’t fall down. I’m sure there are millions of old folks that would like nothing better to spend an hour each morning caning the Hell out of “the Goth” or “Stoner.”

      I’d likely need to avoid an inflatable skank though. People might get the wrong idea about that one and, as you know, Donco is all about decency, clean living and moral instruction.

      Thanks again. Always lovely to get your feedback on these harebrained schemes of mine.

      Best,

      Don

  8. 1:42 pm

    *correction: that should say “would you”, not “wyou”

  9. 1:50 pm

    Billy Campbell seemed to have so much promise when he was the Rocketeer.

    • 5:31 pm

      Good catch Bearman.

      I believe he was also involved in Bram Stroker’s Dracula. You’re a clever lad – now where’s my damned International Day of Older Persons card?

      All the best,

      Don

      • 7:02 pm

        Your PSA became so popular that I actually got paying customers.

        • 8:51 pm

          Glad to hear it Bearman.

          We never formalized a finders fee but I’d suggest 50/50 is a damned fair split. Well deserved, Bearman, you’re a talented lad.

          Don

          • 10:49 am

            Actually Don…the truth is that after I did that PSA…no one will even look at my stuff. So I have gun shy about doing more work for you. That is unless YOU are paying.

  10. 4:42 pm

    Don!

    You’ve got a typo on ‘Billy Campbell’.

    Surely ‘draft pick’ should read ‘daft prick’?

    • 5:33 pm

      Thanks for that Nobbly,

      That’s too damned funny.

      I’ll stop the presses at once and correct that mistake. Typo or not, “Daft prick” is entirely more accurate.

      All the best,

      Don

  11. 5:59 pm

    Don, would you happen to have a home address or phone number for Ms. Taylor? Also, do you think I can still get consent with 2+ drinks if all I have is PBR? (I really don’t want to spend my money on the good stuff). Lastly, any video of the pole vaulting competition? Thanks in advance. TL

    • 8:04 pm

      Many thanks Mr. Tannerleah,

      Unfortunately I have no contact information for Ms. Taylor but I believe that she and her friends are fairly easy to locate and even easier to identify.

      I also suspect that the drinks to consent ratio is just a guideline. For the right man, a smile and rude gesture may be sufficient.

      As for the video, I’m sure it’s out there somewhere but I wouldn’t be able to find it for you (my Google search preferences are set to “Puritan”.) Good luck.

      All the best

      Don

  12. 6:43 pm

    Although I do love all 3 of them, I think I’ll hold out for “The Tattoo” line. I’m sure the line would be endless, which might not fetch as much in the trading circles, but I like collecting purely for the fun of it. I can just imagine the “All Stars” with their array of wonderful tattoos on their marvelously toned physiques and leathery skin. Gosh, my mind is going wild……What a great idea, Don!

    • 8:06 pm

      Many thanks Yorksnbeans,

      Collecting should be about the fun, damn it. The tattoo line will be coming. I’ll be sure to hold a few packs especially for you. I’m not sure about marvelously toned physiques, though. Horribly disfigured faces and necks are probably more like it.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • Anonymous permalink
        5:19 pm

        hi I am klea from berati and I want to know more about problems of youngers today.can you help me please????I need yours help because in my school I have to talk about the problems of youngers.Its for tomorrow so can you help me now please???????

  13. Friar permalink
    8:40 pm

    Um…does Kelly the Skank have an older sister?

    (Just asking….)

    • 3:34 pm

      Greetings Friar,

      I honestly not sure if young Kelly has an older sister. For her parent’s sake I hope not. I’m guessing they have their hands full with this one.

      All the best,

      Don

  14. 1:45 am

    i still have all of my son’s garbage pail kids cards. they were much better-looking individuals than this crew and not half as scary.

    • 3:34 pm

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      A frightening crew indeed. Wait for the next batch. They’re actually even scarier if you can believe it.

      Best regards,

      Don

  15. 3:42 am

    I would wager that young Mr. Stoner (or whatever the hell his name is) would be unable to form a complete sentence at all if forbidden to use the words “man,” “high,” “whoa” or “giggle.”

    Nicely done, Don. I would love a complete set, but I’ll be damned if I’ll trade them with my friends. These are getting locked up in the dehumidified storage room, in protective hard cases and admired from afar until that day when I come home from work to discover that they were given to the little shits down the street because they’re just “cards.”

    • 3:37 pm

      Nice to see you CLT,

      I’m quite confident that you would win that bet. While he might be able to avoid the pitfalls of “man” or “high,” I suspect “whoa” would sneak into any sentence at least once.

      I’ll see to it that you receive a full set. I just need to pop out for some more markers and then I’ll get right to work on the limited edition “assclown” card.

      All the best,

      Don

  16. downcastmysoul permalink
    5:18 am

    Can’t wait for the “wigger” “fatboy” and especially the “slacker”…Mr. Slacker lives all over the place around here and not all of ‘em are kids either. Kelly Taylor is the name of easy blonde girl on 90210, the blonde counterpoint to the sexy Brenda who was all kinds of dark awesome and made Kelly look like nothing. Did you know that when you created the third trading card?

    Mr. Stoner and Mr. Goth are great, too. I mean Calvin and Billy–er Nosteraftsu.

    • 3:43 pm

      Many thanks downcastmysoul,

      I had no idea about the name Kelly Taylor. It might come as a bit of a shock but I never saw that 90210. I tend to avoid television programs that glorify damned young people. I always liked that Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. That Marlin Perkins had presence.

      All the best, lass.

      Don

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        3:21 am

        Good, whew, because no one under 40 should know particulars about the show.

  17. Ravikant permalink
    9:09 am

    My God, Mr. Mills, those are excellent. So neatly done. I hate drugs, piercings, tattoos and makeup, as well as breast implants. I believe beauty should be natural. It is sad how women resort to implants and makeup [no wonder the beauty products' industry is booming since past few decades selling garbage like that]. You don’t need to do that sort of crap to drag attention, which seems to be the sole purpose of doing that. By the time they will age upto 50 or above, they will start regretting crap like tattoos, implants etc. Moreover, it is so damn hard for me to believe that things like implants and tattoos are ‘impressive’. In fact, that is one of the worst ways you can mess with your body. I don’t even feel like having a conversation with people like that. It is in fact, a big turn off for me. The moment I see someone who has done that kind of crap to their body, they don’t have my respect.
    But not even makeup or implants can compare to the kind of damage that narcotic drugs do to the body. That is the worst of all. Anybody who is addicted to such things should seriously seek immediate medical attention or help. In my opinion, illicit drugs is the worst thing to happen to humankind ever. Don’t know how people take that godforsaken junk in spite of knowing what it’s consequences are.

    • 3:44 pm

      Many thanks Ravikant,

      A damned sensible comment and I commend you for your stand, lad. There isn’t much for me to say other than I agree with you entirely. Well said.

      All the best,

      Don

  18. David permalink
    12:13 pm

    Damn collector cards – these people, using the term loosely, are no doubt the demon spawn of some now-semi-older person. These youts will collect all the cards and then expect to clutter up their parent’s garage for years to come so the parents can’t get their Hooptie insie away from bad weather.

    Well, I guess they deserve it – they’re the ones who procreated the worthless kids and raised them to be the annoying zits on the ass of this fine country.

    • 3:49 pm

      Good to see you David,

      I was actually thinking that the cards might be favored by the older folks. They could be used to help seniors identify the damned class of idiot that is walking down the street toward them.

      I hadn’t contemplated them falling into the hands of young people. Jesus.

      Many thanks for visiting, David. Always nice to hear from you.

      Best,

      Don

  19. paper doll permalink
    3:26 pm

    Don, the “of note ” part of the cards is a great touch…very funny!

    Last night the cops busted up ( finally) a house party up the street . I swear 400 kids came out of the row home…it looked like a clown car act.

    • 3:54 pm

      Many thanks paper doll,

      Glad to hear that the police put an end to the foolishness on your street. Hopefully it is an isolated incident.

      A couple of summers back I had a damned terrible time with a house down the street. Apparently it was a crack home or some damned thing. There were young people staggering in and out at all hours of the day and night, fights and general mayhem.

      It took a lot of doing but the police eventually busted the place up and the young folks moved on to terrorize some other damned street.

      Thanks for visiting, paper doll.

      All the best,

      Don

      p.s. I love the image of the 400 damned young clowns pouring out of a row home.

      • paper doll permalink
        12:21 am

        Indeed Don it looked like a phone booth stunt on steroids!

  20. Lily Fossil permalink
    7:52 pm

    Dear Donald,

    I am eagerly awaiting to see / collect all 30 cards so I can start my own club.

    Yesterday, I saw The Tripster, that Mr Jammer describes. The assclown with the pants hanging so low the crotch was at his knees. The most unfortunate thing was that he was actually carrying a baby which looked like his. It really brought home the fact that these idiots breed, but I suspect “DNA” in their case stands for “Developmentally Nutjobbed Assclown”

    Seriously, Donald, what happens to the baby when he trips over? Mr Nobblysan hit the nail on the head.

    Daft prick indeed.

    Keep up the good work, Donald.

    Lily

  21. 9:03 pm

    Many thanks Lily,

    I will make sure that you are number 1 on the list for a complete set of cards.

    I too am constantly amazed that these daft pricks breed (“The Pregnant Teen” is, of course, one of the 30 cards slated for production) and am horrified for the wee bairns they are bringing into the world. If your old dad has the word “Thug” tattooed on his stomach, something tells me he isn’t putting aside money for college fund. (Not that he’s likely to be in the picture much beyond pre-school anyway.)

    And your definition of DNA is absolutely spot on Lily. You’ve made an old man laugh once again and I thank you for that.

    Keep up the good fight Lily. Always wonderful to hear from you.

    Best regards,

    Don

  22. 10:14 pm

    Don, I’d like to order a pack for the time capsule I’m placing in my backyard.

    I’m sure my grandchildren (if I ever have any) won’t believe I’m telling the truth. And since their potential mom may be in the pack, she won’t back me up either.

    • Lily Fossil permalink
      10:27 pm

      Dear Pamela,

      What an excellent idea! I think I will also order a Deluxe Boxed Set and donate it to NASA so they can take it on a space flight in case they run into any extra-terrestial beings. A set of Donald’s cards would pre warn any of them of what they can expect to find on Planet Earth.

      Thinking ahead,

      Lily Fossil

  23. 4:31 am

    Not trying to take you out of character here, Don, but I have been impressed with your knowledge about the fringes of the youth culture. Tell us your secret, do you have a band of anthropologists roaming the malls in your hometown – who report back to you, OR are you not really 80 something years old?

    Inquiring minds would like to know…

    • 12:10 am

      Many thanks Iggydonnelly,

      Truth be told, the majority of information I have picked up about youth culture have come from the comments that have been left on my prior posts. Before I started this blog, my understanding of the nuances was vague at best. I’d never heard of “sexting” or “assclowns” or “skanks” or “prostotots” etc., It’s been a fascinating, if unsettling, education.

      The balance…is really nothing more than anyone would pick up from the 6 o’clock news. Sadly, you don’t need to seek this stuff off, Iggydonnelly, it just seems to be everywhere.

      I also admit to reading a few blogs by young people. I can’t help myself.

      All the best,

      Don

  24. s3xt0y permalink
    11:15 am

    39 braincells left?
    for one marijuana doesn’t cause braincell loss, it’s only been tested once, by forcing smoke into monkeys lungs for an hour everyday without oxygen induced, therefore after 30 days the monkeys died from suffocation and not brain damage from marijuana “killing braincells”
    fucking idiots need to do actual research before you post some lies on a card.

    • 11:43 am

      Many thanks s3xtoy,

      You make a sound case and have obviously done your homework, lad. I assume you’ve researching this issue directly for some time.

      I sure as Hell didn’t realize that there has only been 1 clinical test of the effects of marijuana and, frankly, I’m damned surprised.

      Like everyone else who publishes information on the internet, I do my best to research all of my facts thoroughly before posting. I take these issues damned seriously and wouldn’t want to be making exaggerated claims or spreading half-truths.

      So, many thanks. I’ll look into this matter more fully and if a retraction is in order you can be damn well assured that I will post it.

      As I said, I take these matters seriously. And I’m delighted that you do as well.

      Thank you for contributing to the debate.

      Best regards,

      Don

      p.s. I feel sorry for those damned monkeys too but I guess it serves them right for getting mixed up with cannabis in the first place.

      • s3xt0y permalink
        12:55 pm

        Thank you for taking your time and responding Don, Most things about marijuana have not gotten out throughout the web without proper hard search, such as looking into why it was dubbed illegal in the first place, not because it was a drug, but because merely it was affecting the paper industry, and throughout the years they have dubbed it as a drug that is harmful to your body, which seems insufficient considering past presidents have grown and smoked marijuana.

        Try reading some more about hemp:

        http://www.world-mysteries.com/marijuana1.htm

        or

        http://icefirex.deviantart.com/art/An-Older-Newer-Greener-Life-135639235

  25. Allimar permalink
    12:47 pm

    Don:

    Brilliant; I too will be collecting the set for m 5 yr old (one can’t start too early!). I do hope you will be including the “privileged child” in your card collection. You know the one:

    “I don’t have to come to class. Daddy bought the library at Yale and they are saving a room for me.” and “Can you believe mummy bought be a Cadillac Escalade for my 16th birthday? I made her take it back; I do NOT drive American.” I work in a public school and yes, we have students like this.

    • 12:58 pm

      Many thanks Allimar,

      I have to be honest and admit that I hadn’t considered the “privileged child.” With your permission, however, I’d be damned happy to add it to the list. I know the type your speaking of and agree that they are worthy of their own card.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  26. Edith Rosemary Veldehoffer permalink
    6:16 pm

    My grandson read this and said this to his friends:

    “See guys, it’s funny, because he’s closer to being dead than us!”

    I cried for two hours.

    • 8:38 pm

      Thanks for the comment Edith,

      First off, I hope you don’t object to me saying so but Edith is a lovely name and I find it sad that it has fallen out of fashion with the young people.

      And as for your grandson, the reaction is a bit of shame but I find that some young people can be a tad humorless when the subject matter hits a little too close to home. They don’t mind laughing at others but they aren’t always open to the notion of laughing at themselves. I suspect there are some older folks in the same boat.

      Nice to have you visit. I do hope to hear from you again.

      Don

  27. Adam permalink
    7:03 pm

    Mudshark is a racist term…. and you’re a jerk for using it.

    • 7:14 pm

      Many thanks Adam,

      If that’s true, then my apologies. I was unaware. Ignorance is no excuse, of course, but in my day it meant nothing more than a tough gal with a sharp tongue and bad attitude.

      Thanks for bringing it to my attention lad. I’ll look into it at once.

      All the best,

      Don

  28. Xandyr78 permalink
    8:26 pm

    Hey, Don!

    Well, “mudshark” CAN be construed as a racial epithet, but is not confined to that definition. Context would not seem to indicate a racial slur here, so I think you’re safe. It might be a tad “iffy,” but it’s not an outright blast.

    Also, please tell me that you will actually be making all of the cards and posting them for our viewing enjoyment. I’ve not laughed this hard in ages.

    It was either laugh or cry…you know how it is. :)

    Well played, man! Well played!

    • 11:26 pm

      Thank you for the additional information Xandry78.

      The additional context is much appreciated but I will certainly try to be more mindful of my wording in future. And as for the cards, I absolutely intend to post the rest of them as soon as they are done. The next batch should be up in a week or two at the most.

      Thanks again for the kind words, the help and the visit.

      Hope to hear from you again.

      Best,

      Don

      • jammer5 permalink
        11:32 pm

        I’m sure you really meant for people to go out and buy their clothes at: http://mudsharkstreetwear.com/ I was so hoping for a Erin Templeton Palooka Heavyweight Bag from there . . . or not.

        • 11:57 pm

          Jammer,

          Many thanks for the link. That’s one hell of a site. $295 for an “Erin Templeton Gunny Sack”? Jesus Christ…that has to be the damn funniest thing I’ve seen all week.

          The site doesn’t appear to have any racist overtones but if anyone finds stupid products with ridiculous names and prices to match offensive – they might want to stay away.

          That’s damn priceless. Thanks.

          Don

  29. Daniel Johnson permalink
    9:32 pm

    Penis

    • 9:45 pm

      Thank you Mr. Johnson.

      “Penis?”

      You wouldn’t happen to be Woody Johnson’s boy would you? He lived in Reno back in the early 70s. Woody was a bit of peckerhead but could hang drywall like nobody’s business. (And he was always walking around muttering the word “penis” too.)

      Nice of you to visit. If you are Woody’s boy tell him I say “Arsehole.” It’s a private joke but he’ll understand.

      Thanks for visiting Daniel.

      Don

      • Lily Fossil permalink
        11:36 pm

        Dear Donald,

        I do believe Mr Johnson’s comment has given us a very valuable insight (in)to the future and all the evidence we need that young people are monolithically stupid and sex – crazed. (I was going to say, “monosyllabic” but of course “penis” is two syllables).

        Shaking head,

        Lily

        • 11:47 pm

          Dear Lily,

          In truth, I don’t think we required much more evidence.

          What I found particularly fascinating was that this is the second time I have received “penis” as a one-word comment. The first one was a while back from a young man (I assume) using the name “Batman.”

          Mr. Johnson’s comment has made me wonder if perhaps this particular use of the word “penis” has some sort of secret meaning in the sordid young person subculture. Like “23 Skidoo” only baser and less imaginative.

          I’m shaking my head as well,

          Don

  30. Lily Fossil permalink
    12:16 am

    Dear Donald,

    I think we can safely assume that Mr Johnson is no relation to Dr Samuel Johnson, nor will he be celebrating the latter’s
    300th Anniversary.

    http://www.johnson2009.org/johnson.html

    Lily

  31. Daniel Johnson permalink
    2:01 am

    Nowadays, young people like me, throw around sexual words like nothing.
    Just to clear things up.

    Daniel

  32. 2:38 pm

    Hahaha this is hilarious. Seems similar yet different to Australia.. I’m 19 and I’d probably be classified as half ‘stoner’ half ‘Wigger’ i guess, the only difference is i have a 9-5.30 job, am well spoken and clean cut..

    We have what they call ‘Lads’ down here though, check ‘em out. Their general outfit consists of a Nike dry fit cap, Horizontally striped polo shirt, Nylon Track pants and Nike TN shoes. They enjoy walking in packs, jumping anyone walking alone, anything that is frowned upon by society, any drug the government will give them the money for and dirty, disease infested whore’s (also known as Las’).

    Thats a card i’d like to see.
    Cheers, Luke.

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