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Did I Forget to Mention the Terracotta Wallpaper?

As a senior citizen on a fixed income, I’ve been forced to make a number of sacrifices in order to make ends meet.

I fill my shopping cart with dented cans of Angolian tuna, limit my meat purchases to the “irregular chicken back” aisle and regularly consume dairy products that have crossed the line from recently expired to dangerously hazardous. 

Despite my best penny-pinching efforts, I still find myself occasionally stretched to the financial limit. And so, with considerable regret, I’ve decided to begin renting a room in my small home.

Just this week, I posted the following notice on the bulletin board at the Piggly Wiggly.

You’d think that given the national housing crisis, my phone would have been ringing off the hook. But to date, I haven’t received a single damned call.

So much for the housing crisis – and so much for me eating fresh produce in 2010.

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101 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:12 am

    I think the visual of light friskings and lock downs is sending a mixed message to counter the no sex perverts policy.

    • 12:15 am

      I was thinking the same thing. Some people might enjoy their late night bed checks and reach arounds during frisking.

    • 8:23 pm

      Thank you Joan,

      I appreciate the comment and hadn’t considered that there is a certain breed of sex pervert that actually enjoys light frisking. I’d be tempted to change it to rough frisking but that may even draw a more dangerous breed of sex weirdoes.

      But, seeing as I’ve had no calls I suppose I don’t need to get overly concerned. Should anyone apply, I’ll be sure to remind them that the friskings and lock downs are meant solely for the benefit of my safety and that if they are looking for some perverse form of sexual rompery with a senior, they’d be wise to look elsewhere.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        2:56 pm

        Sir,

        I refused to be frisked by anyone who isn’t a hot dame.

  2. 12:28 am

    Hello dear friend, Don…

    I’m at a loss as to why you have no replies. That sounds like a lovely place to live. Perhaps, you should add an incentive. A cubby hole porta-potty or Wednesday night chats over a can of Armour Vienna susages and a cup of (marked down) Swiss Miss should bring them running in by the boat-load. Once they have signed the legal renter’s agreement, you could offer up your little doggie for the chat time and substitute store brand meat by-products. Afterall, the ad wouldn’t say that the chat was with YOU! Another promo could be a roll of (one ply store brand) toilet tissue of their very own given out once a month. Come on, Don. Times are tough. You’ve got to be competitive while trying to woo renters. Remember, a sleeping bag under an interstate bridge is free. You need to really push your goods. Some more flowery adjectives (such as “homey” “cozy” “inside” “with locked doors and windows”) may be needed. Locate the closest dumpster and add “some free meals included”. Give them directions to the dumpster once their John Henry is on the dotted line.
    And, I am wondering exactly what is a “fubsy older woman”?
    If time goes by and you still have not received any takers, you may want to consider posting your ad on the Arizona/Mexican border.
    And, so that I will not lay awake at night worrying, please add…”No serial killers need apply” and “No renting by the hour”.

    In the meantime, I will be given much thought as to help you attract suitiable renters.

    Your very distressed friend (and no. 1 stalker)
    TPB

    • 8:37 pm

      Many thanks TPB,

      “Fubsy” refers to someone who is short and squat. A tad on the chubby side. My reasoning for giving fubsy women preference is that they are unlikely to have gentlemen callers showing up at all hour of the day and night. They also don’t tend to get a lot of phone calls and inclined to be soft spoken.

      I think you may be on to something with the flowery language and incentives. Clearly plain language and decent value for money isn’t enough nowadays. I won’t be doling out toilet paper hand over fist but I might be convinced to allow a tenant the odd glass tap water and a scotch mint now and again.

      I appreciate your help TPB. That free meal idea might just do the trick.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        3:00 pm

        Mr Mills, isn’t “fubsy” supposed to be followed by “wubsy”? I’m just wondering because I’ve never seen one without the other.

        • 10:50 pm

          Thank you Sedate me.

          Funny, but I’m not familiar with the tail end of the phrase. Still, it sounds damned appropriate.

          All the best,

          Don

  3. 12:29 am

    I would apply, but you have excluded me on two counts. Ah well……

    • 8:40 pm

      Sorry to hear that Grandad.

      I’m no Amazing Kreskin but I’ve been told I have a gift. I’m guessing Irish and practicing nudist. Am I right?

      Best regards,

      Don

      • 11:25 pm

        Right on one count. It’s a pity really, as I have a disquieting feeling that we would have gotten on well together [provided we managed to synchronise our afternoon naps].

        Maybe next time?

  4. 12:30 am

    Sounds like an ideal setup. Would it be possible to sentence, er, sign up a third party and not let them know until the deal is signed? I have just the convict, er, person.

    T.O.M.

    • 8:44 pm

      Many thanks Tom,

      I’m not sure I care for the idea to be honest. I want to be able to look my tenant in the eye before they move in so I can see if I like the cut of their jib. It’s also important for me to know that I can scare them.

      So, unless you can convince this lad to meet with me first, I’d have to say no.

      My apologies.

      Best regards,

      Don

  5. 12:32 am

    Deposit, Don, deposit. Should you rent out the room to a fellow of purported good substance, and that turns out not to be the case, a deposit is mandatory. Say in the amount of how much does the fellow have in his bank account? A monthly urine sample, paid by the tenant of course, would help in keeping the riff-raff out. Piping Perry Como into his room should help in keeping him mellow as well.

    • 2:48 am

      Some of us like Perry Como music!

      • 7:10 am

        Which “some of us” would that be bearman?

        • 11:38 am

          Shhhhh . . . bearman like to think he’s “some of us”. Don’t spoil the journey.

      • The Celtic Queen permalink
        10:22 am

        I’m with you bearman. He was cool in his day!

    • 8:54 pm

      Excellent suggestions Jammer.

      Should a candidate ever decide to respond to my ad I will most certainly request a damage deposit, security deposit, term deposit, a calcium deposit and anything else I can think of.

      I like the idea of the Perry Como music. Between that and me routinely spiking their juice with Atavan and sleeping pills, I could create the perfect tenant.

      Thanks for visiting Jammer. Always good to hear from you.

      Don

      p.s. Nice to see you too Nurse Myra. Always a pleasure to have you stop in

      p.s.s. Bearman – you like Perry Como? I suspect you’re likely a sex pervert, probably a practicing nudist and undoubtedly a chatterbox but I might see my way clear to making you an offer on that room. I’ll just need first and last month’s rent, a security deposit, a damage deposit etc.,

  6. 12:42 am

    Perhaps some flxability on the bathroom policy is in order. The type of person who enjoys frequenting gas station bathrooms may not be who you are looking for.

    Good Luck!

    • 10:01 pm

      Many thanks bmj2k,

      I’m not necessarily looking for someone who enjoys frequenting gas station bathrooms – just someone is isn’t averse to it in exchange for a minor discount in rent.

      I am prepared to be flexible, however, as long as my privacy is respected. I don’t like to be surprised in the shower.

      Many thanks bmj2k. I hope you’re well.

      Best,

      Don

  7. vodkabeforenoon permalink
    12:46 am

    “Preference given to fubsy older women..” “Light frisking” Mr. Don, what in the world are you planning?

    • 10:08 pm

      Nice to hear from you vodkabeforenoon,

      I can absolutely assure you that I have nothing nefarious or lecherous planned. My interest in fubsy women is solely due to the fact that they tend to be serious minded, quiet and single. I don’t want a gaggle of boyfriends littering my steps.

      And the frisking is really just an extra precaution. And old man can’t be too careful. It’s a dangerous world out there and even a fubsy woman can be dangerous if she has a switch blade.

      I hope you’re well. Nice to hear from you again.

      Don

      • The Celtic Queen permalink
        10:29 am

        Somehow Don I think you may land yourself in trouble with the law over the frisking but there are certain type of women who would just love it. So either way you’d need to be very careful. I advise you to give up on the idea as they is sure to be something the irks you about them. Once they move in it may be hard to get them out… leaving you in one piece. Forget it!

        • 12:44 am

          Many thanks Celtic Queen,

          Wise advice. I suspect that no matter who I selected they’d end up driving me crazy eventually.

          All the best.

          Don

  8. 12:53 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    I can appreciate your notice. Many of your requirements where the same ones I used when looking for a husband. Eventually I found one who fit the bill.

    Good luck in your search.

    Dr. King

    • 10:15 pm

      Thank you Doctor King,

      I think it makes good sense to have a list of minimum requirements regardless of what position you are looking to fill – tenant, employee, spouse, and to make them available in writing to interested applicants. It’s a good way of weeding out the stiffs.

      You were wise to choose carefully and take your time. Perhaps if I demonstrate a similar amount of patience I may still find myself a tenant. Surely to God there is one wealthy Ivy School-educated quiet researcher who travels extensively overseas, is unattractive and who makes excellent cocoa looking to share a home with a nice old man.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  9. 1:17 am

    Mr. Mills, we would be ideal roommates.

    Since my job entails talking to and being polite to people, I want none of that garbage once I get home. My idea of a perfect evening is sitting in my room with the shades drawn while I stare angrily at the walls.

    I can get worked up about almost anything to the point I will reshingle your roof in a single day. Talking about drug fiends, sex perverts, whiners, chatterboxes, dullards, cat fanciers, practicing nudists, the Irish and damned young people should keep me angry enough to do most of the chores around the house.

    PS My dogs are the dealbreaker, but since they hate damned young people too, it shouldn’t be a problem.

    • 1:42 am

      ding ding ding…..I think we have a WINNER! Don, please give much consideration to yellowcat.

    • 10:21 pm

      Yellowcat!

      This is excellent news. I’ve always gotten along very well with people who stare angrily at walls. And I could certainly use a hand with the chores.

      One question though – what breed of dog are we talking about and how many are there?

      I’ll try to fight off the crowds of eager applicants until I receive your reply.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • 3:49 am

        I have four large dogs and each one hates young people more than the last. I never have visitors, salespeople or preachers knock on my door. Slackass relatives never ask to crash on my couch. These benefits outweigh the 60 pounds of dog food I have to buy each week.

  10. 1:24 am

    Could you please explain the word “fubsy” since that is a new one to me? Once I’m privy to that definition I might be able to help you out.

    • 10:24 pm

      Thank you Jill,

      I appreciate your offer of assistance.

      “Fubsy” is an old slang term, I believe, that means short/squat. I’m not sure if it can be used to describe a man as well – I’ve only ever heard it in reference to a woman.

      All the best,

      Don

  11. 1:38 am

    Good heavens. $800 a month for a room? Without bathroom privileges? We have an entire house for rent, 3 br and 2 baths and we only charge $650 a month. Of course, that does not include utilities. . . Prices must be different in your neck of the woods.

    For a while there as I was reading I was thinking what you need is a solvent feline, but I see down at the end with the fine print that probably that wouldn’t work out.

    • 1:44 am

      Don….delete healingmagichands’ comment ASAP! healingmagichands will steal all the good ones with that offer!

    • 10:30 pm

      Many thanks healingmagichands,

      I honestly had no idea what a fair market rate was. I originally typed $80 per month but that seemed a little low so rather than pull the page out of the typewriter and start all over I just added another zero to it.

      I figured too that the more I charged the more likely I was to find a respectable tenant. I’ll give it some more thought. If I need to come down a few dollars, I suppose I’d be willing to negotiate.

      Best regards,

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      3:08 pm

      Shit, where I’m from, you can’t rent a closet for less than $800 a month, provided it’s got electricity and cable/Internet hookup.

  12. 1:39 am

    Keeping the damn Irish out is key. I loved the way you worded it in historical fashion, full of nostalgia and warm, fuzzy feelings from my family history. With our blonde hair, we often passed ourselves off as Swedes and earned a living massaging Boston aristocracy, then blackmailing them with photos, etc. It was a fast rise in social stature . . . nothing like Happy Endings to start New Beginnings! Great post, Don. The phone shall be jingling soon (as I’m sure it has the old school “jingle” sound).

    • 10:45 pm

      Many thanks Dan,

      Those damned Irish are tricky. I should know, I married one.

      The phone hasn’t jingled yet Dan but I’m standing by. And you’re right – it most certainly does have a decent and clearly audible “jingle” sound.

      All the best, lad, and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  13. 1:47 am

    I’d be still keeping your digestive biscuits on the top shelf Mr Mills, you can never be to careful what kind of financially stable professional you will attract!

    • 10:51 pm

      Thanks frigginloon,

      I’m way ahead of you. As soon as I decided that a tenant was required I rushed out and bought some decent padlocks. My digestive biscuits, rye, Richard Nixon autographed coffee mug, prescription pills, antique theremin, wee dog and gold bullion have all been safely locked in the hall closet.

      I’m not taking any damned chances.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 11:57 pm

        “Richard Nixon autographed coffee mug . . .”

        I don’t know why, but this had me laughing like an idiot. You’re amazing, Mister Mills. Your humor strikes from anywhere. Why do I miss Tricky Dicky? I need help.

        • Sedate Me permalink
          3:12 pm

          Bush actually made me long for the Good Ol’ Day of Tricky Dicky too. It was like one of those God damned movie sequels; similar to the original, but nowhere near as enjoyable.

  14. Debbi permalink
    1:56 am

    Hi Don,

    Dan took the words right out of my mouth. Steer clear of those damned Irish. Can’t trust a one of them.

    They tend to be drinkers and would probably consume your rye without consent or self-control.

    I should know about the Irish, being partly of that persuasion. Thank goodness I’m not a complete drunkard, um, I mean Irish person.

    Debbi *hic*

    • 11:25 pm

      Faith and Begorrah, Debbi!

      Thank goodness you’re only “partly of that persuasion.” As you point out yourself, the full blooded variety can be damned difficult.

      I roomed with a lad named Finn in college (never did figure out if it was his first name or last) and it was sheer Hell from the word go.

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        3:18 pm

        Don’t get me started on the God damned Irish. I went to elementary school in a town full of Irish. Half of my classmates were children of cops. The other half’s parents provided them with steady employment. Fights happened all the time at school and a few even came to class with flasks.

        • YellowRoses610 permalink
          2:37 am

          Sounds like a good time. Why are ya always knocking on us Lad?

    • 11:58 pm

      *Hic*

  15. 2:11 am

    Don-

    I wish you the best of luck in finding a new roommate. The world is full of people looking for “something” and willing to exchange up-to-and-including “nothing” to get it.

    Vet these (at this point still theoretical) applicants thoroughly, Don, or you’ll wake up one morning/midafternoon/not at all with your domicile turned into a makeshift porn studio or a more sparsely attended rummage sale featuring all your favorite possessions.

    I’ve had a few run-ins with some less than savory characters, often as roommates.

    Take Kenneth, whom I moved in with shortly after the war. Everything went well for about six weeks until I woke one night to some suspiciously metallic noises and the heady fumes of cordite and oil. I entered our shared garage and found him running an illegal weapons ring.

    I confronted him angrily and asked him to cease operations immediately or the landlord would be informed. He swore at me through gritted teeth and told me to mind my own business. Things went from bad to worse when I refused to back down and recommended a tetanus shot to aid him with his lockjaw.

    His second response was a bit livelier as he fired several warning shots into my lower arm and upper abdomen. I made the mistake of chiding him on his poor markmanship, stating that every shot had hit me rather than gone harmlessly into the air.

    He responded again with some more carefully aimed warning shots, which took out some ceiling panels, wall sconces and the Rosary beads someone had hung over the entryway. (They came with the bungalow and we had figured removal of said beads would be taken out of our deposit.)

    After a lengthy hospitalization, I returned home to find the locks changed, the ceiling and walls hastily patched and the window I had just entered through shattered with a brick I had thrown. I knew I wasn’t wanted and soon placed an ad for a new roommate, only with the “shoe” on the other subletted “foot.”

    I finally settled on a fellow named Raymond whose ad assured me he was looking for a quiet, respectful roommate with no immediate relatives within a 150-mile radius. He also expressed a preference for applicants without “distinguishing features and/or tattoos.”

    I was received warmly by Raymond, who worked tirelessly to make sure I had all the alcohol and prescription medication I could consume. Things seemed to be working out for the next 10 hours or so, but went sour when I came to unexpectedly, thanks to series of blows to the back of my head.

    At first I thought we were being robbed. I reached for my service revolver which I kept under my pillow, only to find that I was several feet from my bed, pillow and gun. The series of blows I had felt was the repetitious bouncing of my skull as he dragged me down the stairs into the basement.

    When he saw that I was awake, he swore briefly through relatively unclenched teeth. I asked him what was going on and he spoke to someone I couldn’t see briefly before responding that he must have been “sleepwalking again.” He apologized profusely and offered to get me several Vicodin and a 1/2-liter of rum for my headache.

    I declined and weaved my way to my bedroom. The next morning I left the house, never to return again. Between my growing narcotic addiction and my roommate’s increasingly violent sleepwalking episodes, I felt I would be better off renting a studio apartment somewhere miles away.

    Thanks for returning to roommate applications many of the stipulations you and I grew up with, Don. It’s always better safe than sorry when dealing with chatterboxes, young people or the Irish.

    Sincerely,
    C.L. Tanager

    • 11:44 am

      Damn. Same thing happened to me years ago, only I got killed. Funny how life works . . . or not.

    • 11:34 pm

      Many thanks Clifton,

      Harrowing tales. I’ll be sure to check references carefully. At last count, I have over 200 questions to pose to each of the applicants 7 required references (one parent, one former teacher, one member of clergy, one barber (a man who cuts your hair knows your character), one employer, one cobbler and one senior citizen.

      I also have a phrenologist come in and do bump-screening test to identify any individuals with potential mental instability.

      All the best, Clifton. Really looking forward to June and your new blog.

      Don

  16. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    2:37 am

    Thank you for this post, Don. I hope you don’t mind, but I have used your ad as a template to replace my JDate profile. You pretty much summed up what I am looking for in a man.

    Furthermore, you might give some consideration to amending your description of a “well appointed” home. When I think of ‘well appointed’, I think of leather books, crystal chandeliers, French tapestries and Lalique and Baccarat knick-knacks, not macramé or crocheted throw-rugs.

    I’ll forward my revised profile for you to go over as well. Between the two of us, we should have suitable tenants in no time at all.

    • 11:42 pm

      Many thanks Ellizabeth,

      I appreciate the constructive advice and look forward to reading your revised profile. I agree – between the two of us we should both be able to get exactly what we are looking for.

      I will definitely change the “well-appointed” section of the ad. Although, I should point out that while I don’t have everything on your list, I do have leather chandeliers, french books and crystal knick-knacks. I also have a Burt Bacharack record.

      I’m looking forward to working together on this Elizabeth,

      All the best,

      Don

  17. Ravikant Rai permalink
    5:01 am

    Damn, Mr. Mills. That is a good idea to start renting but the sad thing is asking for ‘being respectful of elders and being civilized’ is asking too much nowadays it seems. Not many people respect elders. The fact that you specifically mentioned young people and some other types of annoying people you do not prefer, made me think you must have had a lot of irritating calls from young people. I guess even you must have expected a lot of annoying calls but thank goodness you did not get any such calls. But you have made a very good notice sir. Loved it. Hope you get the right tenant soon. :)

    • 11:48 pm

      Many thanks Ravikant,

      I appreciate the support, lad. I too hope that I will find a suitable tenant soon. Like most everyone, I can use some extra pin money.

      And, yes, I’ve had loads of annoying calls from young people. Last summer I put up a notice looking for a young person to work in my yard and I received all manner of “crank” or “prank” phone calls. It was tiring – calling yourself I.P. Nightly was an old gag when I was in short pants.

      All the best, Ravikant.

      Don

  18. 7:12 am

    Where’s Ram? He must be due for parole soon…. I think you should offer the room to him

    • 11:49 pm

      Thank you Nursemyra,

      I believe he’s Irish…Thanks for the suggestion though.

      All the best.

      Don

  19. 7:53 am

    It is uncanny that just yesterday my father told me to “keep a civil tongue in my head”, I thought he had stuffed up his grammar and coined an altogether new turn of phrase. But I now see that I am wrong again. But now the real concern is, does that make him a crabby old fart? Well, if you count growling at the neighbours not bringing the bins inside in a timely fashion, mumbling about the ‘god damn’ rain preventing him from mowing the lawns, and constantly beginning *conversations* with my mother with “jesus woman”, then ,yes, yes it probably does….

    I cant believe no one has called by the way, for what its worth, I didn’t find that “good natured, kindly old man” sat at all at odds with the rest of the notice.

    • 12:20 am

      Many thanks RubyTwoshoes,

      Your old Dad sounds like a sensible fellow. Please send him my best regards.

      I’ll keep waiting by the phone. I was really hoping to have the room rented by Bingo night so that I could splurge and play four cards at once.

      All the best,

      Don

      p.s. “Keep a civil tongue in your head” is an excellent phrase – it’s a shame it’s not as popular as it once was.

  20. 9:00 am

    Well this certainly brought the oldtimecommentators out of hiding!

    You have touched quite a raw nerve here at the Hambos as out nextdoorneighbours son is showing many of the features on your unwanted list. He is now “off” from university aka “adolescent playschool for adult life” for the next 4 fecking months, and has been home far more that not in his first year of 12 hours PER WEEK attendance. He is supposed to be at a uni, unmentioned by me, some 50 miles away. He is NOT homesick, just a freeloadingsmackhead; I truly fear he will become a Raymond or a Kenneth (see above).

    The answer, watch for developments at any of the blogs that permit me to rant…

    • 12:40 am

      My sympathies, Dave.

      He sounds more than a little like my idiot neighbor’s moron son, Cody. (With the notable exception that Cody didn’t attend college. He decided to get rich quick buying and selling used bongs on Ebay.)

      I quite honestly find my summers are getting ruined by damned young people. For the last two weekends its been quite warm and I’ve left my bedroom window open to try to catch a breeze at night. Every damned night at 3 a.m. some pack of damned oafs, louts and assclowns spends 15 minutes drunkenly raving outside of my window about the singularly most inane topics in the world. And they scream! Last night’s was a particularly annoying exploration of whether some girl named “Lisa” was smoking hot, totally hot or just hot. The conclusion? They were unable to decide because one lad started throwing up and the other two got in a fist fight.

      The next morning, while those bastards are off at home sleeping it off, I’m operating on 3 hours sleep and picking beer cans out of my bridle wreath spirea.

      Sorry, didn’t mean to start my own rant in response to yours.

      All the best,

      Don

  21. 10:25 am

    Dear Don,

    I suggest you liven the room up by replacing that terracotta wallpaper with an 1980s photo mural of a leafy forest.You could let loose a neighbourhood pet in there and take to it with your shotgun. It won’t necessarily get you a lodger but it will make you feel a helluva lot better.

    Yours, cordially

    The NDM

    • 12:47 am

      Many thanks NDM,

      That’s an intriguing suggestion. But I’m afraid the damned pet would just blend into that leafy background. Better to remove the furniture altogether and paint the room white. It will be like shooting fish in a barrel (or cats in a 10×10 glorified broom closet, I suppose).

      I appreciate the cordiality. Always a pleasure to have you stop in.

      Warm regards,

      Don

  22. robinaltman permalink
    12:32 pm

    What an enticing ad! The world is surely going downhill faster than I feared, if your phone is not ringing off the hook. Perhaps it’s the “can’t use the bathroom” part. You’re losing the nice meek irritable bowel and Crohn’s Disease sufferers. They can be very nice roommates, especially when they’re weak from the electrolyte imbalances caused by diarrhea.

    • 12:56 am

      Many thanks Robin,

      I did say that I’d “prefer” not to share my washroom – not that it was entirely out of the question. If there was some provable urgency involved, I’d more often than not hand over the keys. I’m particular but I’m not a monster.

      And while I’m sympathetic to those suffering from irate bowels, I don’t really want to live under the same roof as someone whose diarrhoea has side effects. Especially ones that sound like something you’d hear in a Dr. Frankenstein movie. What the Hell is an electrolyte anyway? I realize that likely makes me shallow but I can’t change who I am.

      All the best. Hope your lads have been successful in their job searches.

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        3:28 pm

        I think Electrolite made some damn fine electronic products like hi-fi record players and colour TVs with excellent bunny ears.

        • 10:53 pm

          Ah, yes. That sounds right. I believe I had an Electrolite television set before I switched over and became a Magnavox man.

          Thanks for jogging my memory, Sedate Me.

          Don

  23. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    1:12 pm

    You should but a porta-john outside, and give that at as an option. Otherwise it seems like the perfect living arrangement for any fine upstanding citizen who happens not to be Irish. I’m a Irish on my father’s side, so I will sadly have to look else where, although the Irish are forever young, so I get why you want to keep them/us out :)

    • 1:03 am

      Many thanks lookingforsomethingtofind,

      I hadn’t considered the porta-potty. They’re damned ugly but it might work if I could sneak it into my neighbour’s backyard. He hasn’t cut the grass in 18 months anyway – he’d likely never even notice it was there.

      Many thanks. My Aggie was Irish and “forever young” would be an excellent description of her.

      All the best,

      All the best,

      Don

  24. Lynn permalink
    3:02 pm

    so i’m guessin’ the 19 year old stripper with a potty mouth, the gift of gab and 4 cats would be out huh?
    can’t wait to see who you’ll get to rent this room don! do keep us posted. :-)

    • 1:08 am

      Thank you Lynn,

      I think we can safely assume so. I suspect my brother York would be happy to put her up though – assuming this is a female stripper. (I’ve been advised that men also strip now but can’t for the life of me figure out why. Who the Hell wants to look at naked men?)

      At this point I’m not optimistic I’ll find anyone but I’ll be sure to keep you posted if I do.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Lynn permalink
        8:03 pm

        good point regarding who wants to see a man strip. your brother, york, sounds like a good time charlie kind of guy. is he on facebook? i’ll “friend” him.

        • 12:42 am

          Thank you Lynn,

          Oh he is quite the good time Charlie. Provide the good time ends before 9:30 and doesn’t involve having to climb stairs or extended standing.

          And I’m afraid he is not on facebook. I believe he was banned or banished or some such thing.

          Best regards,

          Don

  25. 3:38 pm

    I see you dragged out the old typewriter for this ad. Good thinking. People are more apt to trust an ad from which they can identify the origin. Some people, myself included, still don’t quite trust this newfangled computer/printer business, much less this whole godforsaken Internet.

    • 1:21 am

      Thank you Shawn,

      I agree entirely. I don’t like it when people post garage sale or missing cat signs that look like they were prepared by Saachi and Saachi.

      It’s too damned easy for people to look slick. Everything is style over substance.

      All the best Shawn and thanks very much for visiting. Hope to hear from you again.

      Don

  26. coopergreen permalink
    6:26 pm

    Don, you are apparently hoping to find a dead person of means. You might wish to post this at Forest Lawn, or some other upscale earthperson depository. Monthly rent cheques may prove to be problematic. For a nice room, I don’t think asking for a year’s rent in advance is unreasonable. Best of luck to you.

    • 1:31 am

      Many thanks coopergreen,

      It’s an interesting notion and when I consider it, a rich dead person does have many of the attributes I’m looking for. The only slight issues might be that I tend to keep the house a little on the warm side – some might say stifling hot actually – and I’m not sure that heat, humidity and human corpses mix too well.

      And then there is the smell issue. But, again, if he’s dead he should have no reason to complain. And I have been watching my diet more carefully.

      Thanks once again coopergreen. Nice of you to stop in.

      All the best,

      Don

  27. 7:19 pm

    I’m British Don, you won’t get anyone better than that.

    • 1:35 am

      Thank you Blogmella,

      Is that an offer? Because an overseas tenants with another primary address is pretty much the description of my dream tenant.

      I’ll just need some time to convert the rent to pounds and amend the lease agreement to include a bangers and mash clause.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • 6:36 am

        It was more of an observation than an offer, although I do have a soft spot for American men. Why not move the lovely Yellowcat in and I will pop over on my holidays, for the Bangers and Mash.

  28. 7:23 pm

    Mr. Mills, you are going about it wrong. You should rent the room out as an office. This way the person or two that will work there will only be there on weekdays during normal business hours. And because it is an office, you can charge more than you could as a bedroom.

    • 1:40 am

      Ahmnodt,

      That’s damned near brilliant lad. I’m going to start revising the ad immediately. I’ll just have to work out a list of acceptable businesses. I don’t want any damned real estate agents, haberdashers, investment speculators, civil engineers or dramaturges in my house. And I sure as hell don’t want a proctologist running a private practice out of my rumpus room.

      Many, many thanks. An excellent idea!

      Don

  29. 12:34 am

    here’s a new plan, don. first, a new ad that says that you’re a single gentleman. don’t post it at the front of the piggly wiggly. instead, post it on the aisle where they have the geritol, corn pads, and ben-gay is sold. it’s sure to be seen by older ladies who would love to snag themselves a gent like you. of course, once one of them moves in, you play hard to get. that way, she’ll cook, clean, bake, drive you around, and obey you when you tell her that you want peace and quiet.

    • 1:47 am

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      It’s an interesting idea but I don’t like to take advantage of seniors. I’ll take advantage of young people any chance I get but I tend to shy away from misleading other oldsters.

      Plus, in my experience, women don’t say silent for long if they don’t feel they’re getting what they want.

      All the best, Nonnie. Hope it’s not too damned humid for you down in Florida.

      All the best,

      Don

  30. ferxist permalink
    2:15 pm

    Good evening (from here), sir.

    I’d be fine with those conditions, granted that:

    1) I actually live in the USA,
    2) Lower the rent ($800? I think you have gone senile, sir), and
    3) Keep your good sense of humor.

    Thank you.

    Jonathan Ferxist

    • 10:48 pm

      Many thanks Jonathan,

      Glad to hear you’d be comfortable with the rental agreement, lad. Good to know that there is a sensible tenant out there somewhere. I’ll give the current rent some consideration and, should the right applicant come forward, might be willing to negotiate a lower price.

      All the best.

      Don

  31. 8:43 pm

    Don,

    Why didn’t you tell me money was tight? Being the executor of your will and all, I could have helped. You know, provided you with some sensible budgeting tips and all that.

    Regardless, I can understand your prerequisites, I’ve always been a strong believer that neither dullards nor the Irish have any place in this world. But I do hope you reconsider your “fubsy older women” preference. If not for the incessant jam-making then at least for your own well-being.

    http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2009/12/woman_98_charge.html

    I’d just hate to see some old lady speed up the inevitable, that’s all. Especially since the last few years have already done quite a number on you.

    All I ask is that you think about it.

    Your friend and cyber-caregiver,

    Bschooled

    • 1:19 am

      ps. Call me a worry-wart (Ha! Old-person slang!), but I just went online to see if I could find a better place for you to advertise your room.

      I think you might have better luck posting here- http://www.reminisce.com/default.asp

      From what I can tell, it seems as though these folks share your love for both macrame and Matlock.

      (Keep in mind that your CPR requirement may need to be reciprocated…)

      • 2:19 pm

        Many thanks Bschooled,

        I appreciate your concern but I’m sure I’ve been able to manage my budget without too much duress. I’ve just had to tighten my belt a little bit and up my pigeon intake from 2 to 3 nights a week (a man needs protein and catching those damned birds is remarkably simple. They practically strangle themselves).

        In light of your news article link I think I will give my interest in fubsy older women some reconsideration. Apparently they can be both territorial and damned nasty too.

        And thank you for the lead on another venue for my ad. As soon as I can figure out how to tack it to their bulletin board – up it goes.

        Many thanks for your concern. It’s always comforting to hear from a young person with my best interests at heart.

        Your friend,

        Don

  32. 3:23 pm

    If you frisk us at the door and we begin to like it will you kick us out of your house? ;-)

    • 7:43 pm

      Many thanks Mel,

      Absolutely. A ticklish giggle now and again may be acceptable but dirty perversion is a definite no-no.

      All the best,

      Don

  33. Skydancer (Guardian Angel) permalink
    3:29 am

    I’d take you up on your offer but $800 is a little steep given the requirements. I’m a man but I never have sex or boyfriends (or girlfriends) and spend all of my time quietly on the internet with headphones for the sound. I don’t have any non-internet friends so you won’t be bothered by people you don’t know traipsing through your place.

    I’d be happy to use the washroom at the corner gas station since I have a phobia about people I know smelling my ….. ummmm, you know what, and the walk would do me good.

    I don’t take drugs and never drink except to help me sleep. But every night I take 6 shots of gin, 10 mg of Ambien, 5 mg of melatonin and double the recommended dosage of benadryl and fall asleep in my chair in front of the computer. That doesn’t qualify as a drug addict, does it?

    There is one other issue though. I don’t believe in spending money on haircuts so I haven’t had one in 23 years. I also like to wear dresses from time to time (did I mention I’m a man?)

    So anyway, thanks for the offer but I’m not quite sure if we’re a match.

    • 7:49 pm

      Thank you Skydancer,

      I suspect you’re right about us not being a match. I’ve never gone longer than 23 days without a decent haircut, don’t care for gin and have never worn a dress (with the exception of the time I was helping my wife Aggie while she hemmed a dinner frock).

      Many thanks for the comment and your interest in the room though.

      All the best,

      Don

  34. 10:57 pm

    Don,

    I think you are going about this all wrong.

    What you need to do is rent this room by the hour as a lovenest for the unfaithful.

    Here is the text for your new ad:

    “Room for rent by the hour in discreet suburban neighborhood. Elderly man who guarantees to turn off hearing aid while you are in the house.

    Street parking available which can ensure that you and your lover’s car are never seen side by side. Sheets are always clean, and neighbors have learned, over the years, not to poke their noses into my business.

    Let me save you money on hotels and give you somewhere homely where you can pretend that you and your lover are actually a couple and don’t have to deal with your annoying spouses.

    Bring your own booze and post-coital snacks.

    Bathroom not available… after all, you want to smell that naughty smell on yourself for the rest of the day so you can revel in your secret, right? “

    • 1:44 am

      Many thanks ittybittycrazy,

      That’s damned racy stuff and I’m quite sure my Aggie would never had agreed to it but I have to say that it’s likely the only way I’m ever going to get the damned room rented.

      I appreciate your writing that up for me. I think I will post it down at the Piggly Wiggly just to see what kind of calls I end up getting.

      All the best,

      Don

  35. YellowRoses610 permalink
    2:29 am

    Irish sorry. And according to some people I’am sex pervert. I prefer the term Sapphist, also I smoke and drink. But I love Matlock.

  36. lianamerlo permalink
    11:58 pm

    I wonder how we’d get along as housemates…
    I wouldn’t be able to follow your rule of using the gas station restroom. I hate public bathrooms. I’d rather go in your backyard than there. So would this fall under the light yard work category? And would this make me a practicing nudist?

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