How to Dress – A Guide for Nitwit Young People
I’m pleased to present the latest release in my series of instructional guides for damned young people.
My previous instructional guide, on how to interact with seniors, can be located here.
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The Problem with Young People Today Is... 
Gotta have a young ladies guide. Hope that’s coming up next.
Thank you Cecily,
It’s in the works. I’m just nervous about trying to locate images of sensible girdles and modest petticoats. I don’t want those robots at Google pegging me as some sort of damned dirty olf man sex pervert.
Thanks very much for visiting. Best regards,
Don
Very tasteful answer. I just found your blog and find it very entertaining! Good work!
Susana
totally agree!!!!
I agree. But it should be by a lady, don’t you think?
no one cares about bitches
That was the male edition? It is so hard to tell nowadays.
Thank you bmj2k,
You’re quite right. In fact, the only one I was entirely convinced of was the lad on the second page with the sensible haircut and decent necktie. Beyond him, I had to put my faith in Google and my limited ability to make out the faint traces of adam’s apples.
Hopefully, the ladies edition will be marginally easier to manage.
All the best, lad. Always good to hear from you.
Don
This should be posted in every middle scholl in America. OUr young boys need a guide to let them know it is okay to dress like a regulatr person, forgo piercings and tatoos if they want sn d wear shirts that look nice without advertising something they do not evven stand for or understand. Do you have one for the etiquette of eating out or going to a public place. Thanks for the funa nd informative post! AmberLena
Loved the Post, Don! Funny and relevant as always!
Thank you kindly Varda,
Always a pleasure to hear from you. Many thanks for the kind words.
Best,
Don
My college student son is home for the weekend. I’m going to have him pull up his pants, change his shirts and come on and look at his new bible.
What a hoot.
Thank you Elyse,
A very fine plan. He’ll either shape right up or stop coming home on the weekends. Personally, I view that as the classic “win/win” situation.
Best of luck and enjoy your weekend together.
Don
If my choices were either “dress like I tell you to or not come home”, I wouldn’t come home.
While these may be excellent guidelines on how to get a typical office job, I tend to think they may not be as die-hard as you present them.
For instance, my 70-something dad has a diamond stud in his ear. He’s retired, and plays upright bass for the local symphony.
I’m not about to tell him what he can or can not put in his ear..
It should perhaps be noted, Lady Tam Li, that this is a humor blog.
Lol. Thank you very much!
Thank you again Don, for such an erudite and essential guide for our young.
All areas of your informative post should be essential and mandatory reading in all schools, with a good whipping for those who fail the written test.
I would however recommend that the following be added:
Headgear: A possible alternative to the traditional Trilby, Panama and Homburg would be the ancient yet honourable option of the Scottish Harris Tweed Cap (known colloquially as a “bunnet”, worn of course with the skip above the eyes and definitely not over the neck)
Metal Accessories: The only one suitable for ALL ages is shrapnel; worn internally, never flaunted or displayed, but may be alluded to. e.g. “I can always tell when it’s going to rain as that damned bit of an Argentinean mortar shell always makes my knee throb”
Thank you Twisted Scottish Bastard,
The Harris Tweed is a fine alternative and I would agree that it should be included in the list (provided it’s worn in the appropriate manner).
There are other acceptable hats as well, of course. Given the proper context, I’m also not averse to a deerstalker or a pork pie hat. And I’ll admit to having worn a balaclava, toque and ear muffs on particularly cold days. The difference, of course, was that I wasn’t trying to be an ironic smart ass – I was just trying to scrape the ice off my car windows without losing an ear to frost-bite.
I agree on the shrapnel, but I still maintain that a wedding ring and decent pocket watch should also be included on the list. The ring to keep the missus happy and the watch in order to ensure you know how much longer you can stay in the pub before putting the first consideration at risk.
All the best Twisted Scottish Bastard. Good to hear from you.
Don
Your comment is hilarious!
I just recently found out that “shrapnel” derived from the last name of Henry Shrapnel.
Ah, good old Henry. I knew him well. Nice bloke but a bit of a loose cannon.
And TIE your damn shoes!
Good point, Notquiteold.
And they could use a belt too.
(As well as something to hold up their pants).
All the best.
Dpn
Being a damned young person myself I technically shouldn’t agree but I do. Yes! Get those pants up you sickos. Thank you for saying what very few people say 🙂
Thank you very much Faith Othello,
I’m not sure that only a “very few people” are talking about the astonishing lack of taste with which young people dress. Seems to me that it’s one of the main topics of conversation down at the seniors center. It’s right up there with hip complaints, rice pudding and ungrateful relatives.
Many thanks for visiting. Hope to hear from you again.
Don
Don, you’re a complete scream !!!!
Dear Mr. Mills,
I kindly thank you for such an informative post and anxiously await the female edition. The diagram for proper fit on one’s trousers should note that below the waist line (passable), the likely hood of plumber’s crack becoming apparent is greater.
Thank you maddie,
A fine point. Unfortunately, I was somewhat limited in the amount of information I could contain in the flyer. I’ll be sure to add that in the more detailed, 200-page clothing instruction manual. I’ll cover many of the basics like introductory shoe tying, intermediate zippering and the ABCs of plaid.
Many thanks for stopping by to visit. Always a pleasure to hear from you.
Don
Thank you, thank you and thank you. Earrings, pants and shirts. Seriously and they wonder why they don’t have jobs. Attention Anonymous of Occupy Wall Street, why dont you teach the 99% how to dress to get a job. Hide the ink and the piercings.
Thank you happygirl,
I miss the days when men wore neckties to sporting events. Nowadays, the go bare chested and paint their faces blue. Shameful.
Best regards,
Don
I am old enough to remember when young men just started letting their underwear peek out from their shorts. My first salacious view of this phenomenon in the mid-80s occurred at my sister’s house. I was both amused and intrigued by her boyfriend’s brother who adopted what was to become a full-fledged trend in menswear. I giggled approvingly in my boyfriends presence. A few days later, while dining at an insanely expensive country club restaurant (my boyfriend was provided a dinner jacket to gain admittance) I mentioned to Jesse that my sister’s boyfriend’s brother happened to be working in the kitchen. A dramatic scene ensued whereby Jesse stubbed his cigarette out (along with the haricots verts and elaborate carrot garnish) in the chocolate soufflé…the one we had to pre-order and wait 45 minutes for (oh God, I can’t believe I was even dating a smoker!) yanking me out of the restaurant while kicking open the door and barking at the valet to “get our fucking car NOW!”. My how times have changed. Seems so benign by today’s standards (it certainly wouldn’t elicit a giggle let alone a second look by what has now become inured eyes). I’m sure you have seen the double hoodie look Don, whereby a jacket has a contrasting attached hoodie. I’m waiting for the day men’s pants have attached boxers. (I’m now too old to giggle…I think.)
Thank you Elizabeth,
Clearly a traumatic event (I refer, naturally, to the initial underpants sighting not the country club brouhaha). It’s unfortunate that we didn’t nip this type of behavior in the bud back when the underpant creep was in it’s infancy. I’m sure that had we known where we were headed, we would have been less likely to laugh these things off (or giggle) and more likely to club the miscreants across the back of the head.
Like the weeds in my garden, the longer you allow things to go unchecked the more invasive they become.
As for this man of yours, Elizabeth, I hope you don’t mind me saying so but he strikes me as a bit of a lout. Clearly, you’re better off without him.
All the best and many thanks for visiting.
Don
i think you should have one of those makeover shows on style network, don. you can take a damned young person and dress him or her from head to foot.
Thank you Nonnie,
I do believe I’d enjoy that. I could start each episode by leaping out at an unsuspecting young person and washing them down with a firehouse. Once I’d knocked the earrings, make-up, hair gel and superfluous accessories off them we could get right down to business.
Perhaps I’ll get my garden hose out and try to shoot a pilot on spec…
All the best,
Don
😀
Thank you Hanna,
That reminds me, it’s time for my pill.
All the best,
Don
The incremental way of the superlative has left the present generation with little left to deconstruct in their ritual rebellion against the status quo.
Few walls are left, most values questioned and scoffed at, often no home to leave and no parents to face up to.
Unfortunately their victory is their loss.
Thank you exuvia,
I can’t say I understood the entire comment, exuvia, but I appreciate it nonetheless. And while I may be missing some of the meaning, I certainly agree that young people question and scoff at values and have no one to answer too. I probably just would have left out the “walls” and tossed in a couple of “damns.” But that’s me.
Appreciate the comment and your taking the time to stop in. Hope to hear from you again.
Don
Well, you piqued my interest. Can you tell the tasteful banana joke?
Thank you Luda,
I’ve been told I’m a very lousy joke teller. Apparently I tend to scowl through the punchlines.
I was able to locate this however. It’s annoying as hell but you’ll get the idea.
My broker is having trouble finding Donco Industries’ stock on the exchange. I want to pick up some shares before sales of this groundbreaking guide cause the stock price to skyrocket. What’s the Wall Street symbol?
Thanks pegoleg,
When I found out that COF and DM were both taken (I’ve written nasty letters to Capital One Financial and the Dolan Company) I decided to forget wall street entirely and just sell shares out of the trunk of my LeSabre. The shares come in the form of old poker chips and are currently trading at just at just over 5 cents. With any luck, they could be double that by Christmas.
Just look for me in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot every Wednesday around 10 a.m.
All the best,
Don
Hey Don, you’re Freshly Pressed again – congratulations! Now your message will be heard by all the WordPress hipsters in need of schooling.
Hey Donald,
Interest subject, as always. I hope kid’s fashion will have changed by the time my son has reached puberty, or that he’s not into that style.
Is that a pic of you as boy by the way? Cute kid.
Thank you french lady,
I’m sure that fashion will have changed – let’s just hope it’s for the better. I’m optimistic, though, if only because it’s hard to picture things getting much worse.
As for the photo, not me I’m afraid. There aren’t a lot of early photos kicking around any more. Some would say that’s not entirely a bad thing.
All the best,
Don
Mr Mills
By Golly for the first time since Opie left Mayberry I think I am in agreement with you. Accept for the fact that I frequently wear my hat on backwards. Hey what the scoop on the youngsters wearing lots of sweatshirts i think they call them Hoodies…I was just about to post this outside my office for all my kids on DETENTION to see when I thought of the hoodies…thanks for the advice though….zman sends
Many thanks Zman,
Nice to see that we are in agreement for a change. I do hope, however, that you’ll change your ways with the damned backward hats. Men like you need to set a good example for the next generation of upstart pups. If they see you wearing a hat backward they’ll do the same and then want to top you by wearing it upside down, inside out and during church service. Next thing you know, hat-based anarchy ensues and our sacred institutions are burning around us.
Think about that next time you’re contemplating spinning your brim.
Thanks for sending Zman. Always good to hear from you lad.
Don
Lots of good old school values. I think they still exist, I’ve seen it. Course, the other hand, you see so much nonsense it’s unbelievable. I’m not sure what some people are thinking these days.
Very funny! (I’m smiling ear to ear) Love these things you make.
MC
Many thanks mysterycoach,
I appreciate the kind words. If it’s any consolation – I never have a damned clue what people are thinking these days.
All the best,
Don
Oh my, me neither Donald, me neither. I’m old school and stuck in the middle of trying to siphon through all the nonsense I see. So many bad things going on and it’s disheartening to say the very least. I don’t have a damned clue either, however I do my best to pay attention to what I’m doing and what I teach my daughter. It’s tough, I mean so many misconceptions, kids are exposed to SO MUCH these days and I find I have to keep up and it’s a big learning experience for sure.
All the best to you as well.
M.C., (Sue)
As Always Donald you have cut to the absolute truth of the matter which I’m always amazed to see coming from one as young (comparatively speaking of course) as you. Keep it up son it gives me hope for the younger generation yet – well not the real younger generation, they are, as you frequently point out, beyond help, despite your brave attempts to advise them
Many thanks Curmudgeon in Training,
Glad to hear you have some hope for the younger generation – I’m not sure I do. Despite my best efforts to fix the damned fools they still seem hell bent on carrying on like braying jackasses.
Good to hear from you! Thanks for stopping by.
Don
Awesome! Loved the “who’s employable”!
Thank you kindly Brown Road Chronicles.
Appreciate your stopping in.
All the best,
Don
An important thing to point out when wearing a shirt is to make sure the pants are up high enough so that no skin or underwear are showing.
Thank you Ahmnodt,
There should never be a question of that happening. If people tucked things in the way they were supposed to it would never be a damned issue. An untucked shirt is nothing but a sign of mental sloppiness and moral sloth.
All the best,
Don
I remember one of my brother’s friends mentioning nose rings at our house when my dad was around a few years back. My dad then explained that if one of his sons came home with that sort of nonsense, it would be his paternal duty to grab it with a pair of pliers and yank as hard as he could.
He had the right approach, I think. Perhaps a similar approach could be used for pants positioning?
Thank you Jacob,
Your father sounds like a very sensible man.
I’d like to think that someday we might be able to go beyond putting the onus on fathers and their “paternal duty” and open it up to everyone and make it more of a “civic duty.” We could have squads of little old ladies running up and down main streets across America yanking out nose rings, nipple rings and anything else they could get their little white gloves on. Ideally, we should all feel free to grab a damned young person, give him and good tongue lashing and yank his trousers up over his waist.
All the best, Jacob. Many thanks for stopping in.
Don
We need the youth of America today to read your post!! spot on.
Many thanks cbowiephoto,
I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for visiting.
Don
Very cool, my friend, and deservedly FP.
Just got a question for ya…are black and white Chuck Taylors considered all right, passable, or strictly a no-no?
Thank you Howlin’ Mad Heather,
It’s been a while since I’ve seen a pair but I’ve always considered All-Stars to be rather sensible (if somewhat flashy) footwear. I have no idea what a pair might cost nowadays but provided they’re reasonably priced and worn with a pair of sensible dungarees, I have no objection whatsoever.
Many thanks for question and the visit. Hope to hear from you again.
Don
Don. I love your blog and I’ve stopped by a couple of times. But I can’t get past this nagging feeling that you’re not really an old man in a nursing home. I don’t know, Don, I think you might be pulling my leg. In any case, you’re really, really funny and a superb writer.
From a really (real) old lady! 🙂
Thank you etomczyk,
I appreciate your stopping by.
To be clear, I don’t actually live in a nursing home. I live on my own in a wee bungalow with an ill-tempered dachshund and the assistance of an equally ill-tempered personal support worker (3 half days a week).
I don’t care for nursing homes at all. The seniors center I reference is simply a local meeting place for older folks – last time I checked they had checkers and chairs but a notable absence of cells. I am, however, miserably old.
All the best.
Don
Brilliant article!! So true. If only this was handed out in schools….
Many thanks teagirl86,
I suspect it would just end up as spitball fodder. It has far too many words, not nearly enough pictures and not a single, infernal 😦
Best regards,
Don
Dear Don,
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.
I hope young people will take your advice on how to dress appropriately. If they do not take your advice, Life itself will teach them through painful job rejections,punches in the jaw, and potential in-laws protests.
I must say though, I do find the dressing habits you are not in favor of to be more acceptable in young people, than in people who have not realized they are not that young anymore 🙂
All my love, as always.
Thank you fornormalstepfathers,
You raise a very fine point. This type of dress is disturbing enough when worn by young people but when older folks adorn themselves in the same manner….the results are both frightening and sad. For the life of me, I’ll never understand it.
Always a pleasure to hear from you fornormalstepfathers.
Warm regards,
Don
Great post. I agree with all of this, and I’m one of the young crowd.
Thank you Nicole,
Nice to hear from a young person who has her head (and hat) screwed on right. All the best.
Don
Love your blog! Though I’m part of the younger generation I’m nothing like most teenagers. I think Mom taking me out of school to stay away from other freaks was the best thing she could ever do. Now if only people would stop buying skinny jeans and iPhones and Monster Energy.
Way to go, and keep it up. You’re a fantastic writer!
Thank you Savannah,
It’s a shame that a smart lass like you has to be kept away from school because of a preponderance of freaks.
I picture it like one of those zombie movies the young people like – a young girl attends her first day of high-school and finds herself set upon by an army of baggy-panted, eyebrow-pierced glue sniffers all intent on eating her brain and reducing her to part of the lowest common denominator. Frightening stuff.
All the best and good luck in the future.
Don
Hahahaha
“The old crow is getting slow.
The young crow is not.
Of what the young crow does not know
The old crow knows a lot.
At knowing things the old crow
Is still the young crow’s master.
What does the slow old crow not know?
—How to go faster.
The young crow flies above, below,
And rings around the slow old crow.
What does the fast young crow not know?
—Where to go.
Your post reminds me of this poem….
Many thanks Alisoni79,
I always enjoy a poem that has crows in it. Especially when it rhymes.
All the best,
Don
Loved it. Facebooked it…
Thank you snowblondie,
I appreciate your spreading the word.
Best regards,
Don
“The Poop on Hats” … very funny.
Thanks kindly Simple Life of a Country Man’s Wife.
Appreciate your stopping by and leaving a comment.
All the best,
Don
I never understood anyone could have so many rings in their ear. I’m 17, and I don’t even wear earrings often (though I’m a girl, not a boy). Having all those rings just looks painful. I still don’t like shots from the doctor. Ouch!
Thank you Kae Lily,
I imagine that they are all high on the drugs when they get the piercings and don’t feel a thing. All I know is that it’s damned painful to look at.
Thanks for visiting,
Don
You are hilarious. I discovered you awhile ago and am grateful I did. Congrats on the well deserved Freshly Pressed.
Nice to hear from you again, lifeintheboomerlane.
Appreciate your stopping in.
Best,
Don
Nice pointers. I have an article of “How to Dress, According to the Opposite Sex” (http://lisaalinh.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/how-to-dress-according-to-the-opposite-sex/), but this one was great! Young men these days really need to stop with the skinny, tight pants too.
– Lisa @ lisaalinh.wordpress.com
Thank you lisaalinh,
I had skinny tight pants when I was a lad but it had nothing to do with fashion any everything to do with making clothes last as long as they could. My dungarees were roomy enough in grade 4 but by the time I hit college they had become really rather uncomfortable.
Thanks for visiting,
Don
Mr. Mills,
I can’t remember if I commented before when you were Freshly Pressed or not, but you are one of the few Freshpressed bloggers who have interesting things to say, as well as some writing talent. I think Nonnie-with-all-the-9s has it right; you should have a “What Not to Wear” program of your own, except it would be “What not to wear if you don’t want to look like a young puke”. Can you imagine how enormous the ear lobes will be when they’re my age (55), on those young folks who have stretched them out big enough to put a quarter x 20 bolt through them? Ouch. At least they’re looking like idiots while they’re young–what I really don’t get is guys my age who think they need a pony tail, especially the ones who don’t have enough hair to pull it off, but somehow tie it up anyway, so that they have about a half-inch of hair sticking out from their little rubber band.
Thanks for being funny.
Thank you trailertrashdeluxe,
I thank god regularly that I won’t be alive to see a world where senior citizens have those giant stretched out ear lobes. Perhaps people will be too busy staring at their distorted neck tattoos to notice…?
I agree with you fully about the middle aged men wearing ponytails. It was ridiculous when they were young and its not getting better with age.
All the best, lad. Very nice to hear from you.
Don
nice 🙂
Thank you Tish.
Best,
Don
Don,
Cantankerous, cynical, bitchy…I think I love you.
-Zoe
Thank you Zoe.
I appreciate your stopping in.
All the best,
Don
Oh my. Your blog is absolutely hilarious, although I admit I take part in some of your grievances 😉 Congrats on the Freshly Pressed — I’ll be reading regularly!
Thank you Helly,
Don’t give up hope, there’s still plenty of time time to change your ways. Admitting your a young person is the first step.
All the best. Hope to hear from you again.
Don
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. I, too, take issue with some of the pants I see on young men. I’m only 41, but I still don’t get the whole pants-around-the-thighs thing. I thought that meant, in some prisons, that a man was “available” if you get my drift. Not that I have first hand experience, am a man or have ever been in prison, but one does hear things. I can’t help but think of this whenever I see a man with low britches.
Thank you Iwillnoteatthedarkness,
I wasn’t aware that it might be some sort of mating signal. It does make sense, however, given the peacock’s plume of underpants that is often cascading out over the rear end. Fascinating, I’ll have to consult the Reader’s Digest at once.
All the best and thanks for the comment.
Don
I wished men dressed like this–it’s so classy and handsome! Most guys I see look like the rolled out of a homeless shelter
Thank you andreainspired,
Or, as my dear wife, Aggie, used to say…”they look like they’ve been ridden all night and put away wet.”
Best,
Don
Oh, you hit the nail on the head with the pants positioning! That’s my biggest pet peeve with young kids today!! PULL THEM THE HELL UP!
Many thanks ryoko861.
Very nice of you to stop in.
Warm regards,
Don
Well done sir, you made me choke on my snort. I hope a female version is coming up next!
Thank you Daphne,
I choked on a digestive biscuit once and a wintergreen lozenge too. Nasty feeling. Sorry for any discomfort I may have caused.
Best,
Don
Can we venture one step beyond their dress/hair, body piercing styles and discuss the fact that they never leave the connection to their earphones, cellphones or phony phones. Has anybody had a conversation with these folks lately?
But I wouldn’t criticize or laugh at anyone: it’s not in my nature!!
Ronnie
Thank you Morristownmemos,
An excellent point. I’m somewhat torn on this, however, because I’d prefer not to have a conversation with any damned young person at all. But I do agree that it’s the height of rudeness and will likely have all manner of anti-social and downright unnatural consequences in the long-term.
All the best,
Don
I will have to look up a picture of my son in his Goth clothes. Then you could discuss how necklaces go around the neck, not on the pants. You could also discuss how those spikes hurt when the person sits on them because they forgot that they shouldn’t wear them in the first place.
I once did a second interview of an applicant for a job. I think it was because the boss wanted me to get a good laugh. The person came in with their pants around their knees. I am not kidding. I didn’t know that a person could wear scrub pants that low without them falling off!!!
I once was walking behind a young man when his pants slipped down to his ankles. If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, his shorts slide down with them. He quickly turned around and went red, apologizing as he pulled up his pants. I said, “That;s all right, honey, I’m a nurse. Now I can say that I have seen everything (pointing to his willy with the ring through it).”
I love your blog and will send the link to my Goth son. He is a sergeant in the military, but when he is off base, he dresses Goth. I managed to talk him out of getting his tongue split (another topic for you to talk about), but he still insists on wearing Goth clothing.
Thank you for the laughs.
As a fellow goth, I want to caution against being too controlling.
Why does dressing Goth when he’s off-base matter? He has an excellent job, and is obviously doing well. I don’t see the point in harassing him if the man wants some body piercings.
I’m his mother. What else is there to do? LOL Besides, I don’t harass him. Both of my children are very authentic and I love that about them.
It doesn’t stop at piercings and clothing, though. Believe me! He is a walking billboard for the local tattoo parlor. He has more piercings that I can count on my fingers and I don’t want to know where they are! I am a nurse and know that some that he has gotten are very common areas for infection to occur. Imagine getting an infection around the brain from a piercing at the eyebrow. I took care of a patient who ended up with brain damage that way.
No matter what, I will always love my son. I am happiest when my children are happiest, as long as they stay out of trouble with the law. But a mother has to complain about something when their children are as perfect as mine. LOL
Thank you very much athias,
A pleasure to have you stop in. I enjoyed both of your comments immensely. I have to admit I felt a bit unwell at the mention of tongue splitting, however. I only recently learned of this practice and am still adjusting my medication accordingly. Terrifying stuff and hard to believe that anyone will perform that sort of “medical procedure.” In any case, I’m glad you were able to intervene.
All the best. I hope to hear from you again.
Don
Love it Don! So funny and so true!
I’m already grooming my 5 year old in what looks stupid and what is OK. He has often been heard telling his Nanna that, “Track pants are NOT suitable to wear unless at home playing the garden!” In Australia, this is a common sight in shopping centers. Men wearing track pants and t-shirts that are too short along with either thongs (flip flops) or no shoes at all…. Really!
KL
Many thanks KL,
Glad to hear your raising that boy right. In the long run, you’ll both be grateful you did.
And if you are able to stop just one person from wearing trackpants to the mall, you have my gratitude as well
Best regards,
Don
Beside pants too low and barely hanging on their butts, the crotch is down to their knees and they’ve got about 10″ or more of the lower leg dragging in the dirt and in shreds. But it makes for a good laugh when you see one of them trying to run in those pants!
Thank you JSD,
Funny, I didn’t think young people ran anymore (unless of course it’s in an effort to flee law enforcement or responsibility). I assumed that if they needed to get somewhere they either slunk about slowly or waited until their parents were willing to give them a drive.
All the best,
Don
I really enjoyed this post, gave me a great giggle. I find it amusing these days how people are stereotyped. For instance at work I always look professional, today I will be wearing a knee length black skirt, tan stockings, black heels, a white blouse with a red vest over the top and my hair is pulled back from my face. Minimal jewelry = engagement ring, one silver necklace and a pair of earrings. Yes this is very much professional me 😀
But I have come to find that apparently people think I am a hippie! Apparently this is because on the weekend and at home I prefer to wear clothes that are chiefly made from cotton in cheerful colours. Apparently many of my work friends were shocked seeing “non-professional Cat” hahaha.
Congrats on the FP I will be back!
Thank you ditchthebun,
I don’t know much about women’s fashion but beyond the outrageously short skirt, your work apparel sounds very tasteful and entirely appropriate. Well done.
I’m not sure about the hippie clothes, however. Unless you’re adding granny-glasses, ponchos, tye-died shirts and LSD it sounds to me like you should be on safe and solid ground.
Best regards,
Don
Thanks for such an informative and entertaining fashion expose for them young men of today. I’m going to pass this on to my teen son so he doesn’t make any fashion mistakes.
PS Am wondering if your female edition will call for the return of the mom jeans. 😉
Thank you If I could escape,
This is where I begin to get concerned about the female edition. I know what pearls are, understand the appeal of a cashmere sweater and aline skirt and appreciate a well built girdle but for the life of me I’ve never heard of mom jeans. I may need to get some advice on this next brochure. Women’s fashion is entirely too complicated.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
You write like a superhero. I’m so excited to follow your blog! xo
Thank you talktomyshoes,
That’s a damned nice comment. Thank you.
All the best,
Don
Nice Don,
If WP had any balls, they’d Freshly Press all of your posts…
Thank you Joe,
I have to say that the young people at wordpress have been pretty damned good to me.
Thanks for popping in. Nice to hear from you,
John
I hate to have to be the smart-assed young person to point out that you used the wrong “your” in the answer portion of the question about self-expression in the “Who’s Employable” FAQ. I believe you meant to type “by shutting the hell up and doing as you’re told” but you were probably just testing us. If this was not a clever test, don’t feel bad, it happens! I won’t belittle you by blaming it on senility. You’ve earned more respect than that! Otherwise, this post was flawless. Brilliant, informative and laugh out loud funny as usual. If I were a man I would take this advice to the bank. I think the lesson about unnecessary holes in and around the face is particularly helpful to both sexes.
Many thanks blastedgoat,
I wish I could say it was a test but sadly I think I was just being a tad sloppy. Thanks for not taking the easy route and pointing to dementia – if I’m going to have some sort of transgression pinned on senility I’d prefer it be something a little more adventurous than a grammatical error.
Thanks for your comment and for stopping in. I hope to hear from you again.
Don
Fab! fab! fab! This is an awesome post! I don’t wonder why fashion geeks’ outrageous outfits not only shock, but haunt! (my two cents :))
ROTFL to that hearing aid stuff! haha! ridiculously funny!
Congrats for being Freshly Pressed! 🙂
~curlybookworm.wordpress.com
Thank you curlyLAF.
I apprecaite the kind words, abbreviations and little yellow demons.
Don
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
Feom a fellow curmudgeon.
Thank you Gerry.
Nice of you to stop in.
Regards,
Don
I’m sorry, but you sound really uptight. I think “Farticus” is great for a t-shirt. We all fart. So what? Rebelling is all about embracing what we learn to throw away, leaving a spineless ghost of a human being, who only appears perfect. Not so true with those who rebel. We might just hold onto enough of who we are to say we’re actually “here” while we’re still here.
Thank you enlustered.
I appreciate the comment but have no idea what the hell you are going on about. “Rebelling is all about embracing what we learn to throw away, leaving a spineless ghost of a human being, who only appears perfect.” I realize I can be a bit obtuse but can you give me the Reader’s Digest plain language version? This sounds like the trailer for one of those “Dead Space Invaders ” commercials. Or something you’d hear at a Goth poetry reading.
I’m no C. Everett Koop but it sounds to me like you might be high on the drugs.
Best regards,
Don
Hello Sir,
This is a wonderful post. Somebody really needed to tell guys that nothing looks better than a nice shirt and tie!
Your blog is hilarious, and I can’t wait to read your older posts. I must say that I almost never read the “Freshly Pressed” section, but your title for this post caught my eye……
Keep up the comic relief (please, sir?)!
Fondly,
Betty Marshall
Very funny! 🙂
Also, you forgot a question mark on the second page.
No facial hair before the age of 22, and never under any circumstances should you wear a mustache before the age of 55. Only Tom Selleck could pull that off as a young guy.
Nice lookin’ blog you got here!
Hello! You sound very familiar……could me my imagination…..
You should be hired by school districts all over the country to impart your wisdom!
Lol. I loved it. 🙂 I’m in high school, and I don’t think it’s pleasant to see anyone’s boxers. I wish that I didn’t have to wonder sometimes if someone’s a boy or a girl- it is really hard to tell from behind or a ways away that you’re a dude if your pants are tighter than mine.
My sister would know more about that than I do, though. She got her hair cut short a while ago, and if she wears t-shirts and loose pants, people CONSTANTLY mistake her for a boy. There’s something wrong if SHE’S mistaken as a boy. And I don’t think it’s with her.
Dear Mr. Mills,*
I thoroughly enjoyed your blog but I must say it should come with a warning for those of us over the age of forty who are beginning to experience trouble controlling our bladder, especially in the midst of hysterically laughing.
Sincerely,
Mama Bread Baker
*visit #1 (I read your comment policy and look forward to someday calling you “Don”)
Oh, when I was young, I lived in you Don Mills. Now that you are again freshly pressed, you will not care that I read in the darkness. Thanks for voicing the ick of all hipster parents.
This is amazing! I’m a “young person”, and yet I agree! …I often wonder how guys manage to walk around with their pants so low and not fall over…then again, many of them do.
Oh, I couldn’t stop laughing. What a great post!
Great work, Don.
Could you do a favor for me? Come to the high school at which I work and give an hour-long talk to our assemble male students, explaining the finer points of how today’s youth are “gormless peckerheads’ with the fashion sense of dust mites? I would appreciate it.
Laughed out loud several times! Couldn’t agree more on every point! 😀
Also, that should say “assembled”. Sorry.
You, sir, are the Schiznittlebamskittle.
I agree about the pants, shoes, and hats, but I love a guy with an earring. Or maybe a bracelet. Not both.
I got a link to this post from another fellow high school teacher. We’re just rolling because we have “the pants fight” every day in every period trying to make them put their underpants away. I love the “employable-unemployable” pics.
I wonder if they pull their pants up for job interviews?
I appreciate this. Something to be savored. 🙂
Thanks to your blog post today, I can finally get that job I always wanted – President of Canada!
This is hilarious 🙂 waiting for the one on young ladies 🙂
I guess some people never outgrew those low-waist pants. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve worn baggy pants in high school but they were much too difficult to walk in so they were out the door before I went to college.
Good post. I’m looking forward to your thoughts on how females should dress.
Fantastic! I love how you graphically laid it out! Very easy to read, and love the wit! I sent this to every guy I know who dresses like a slub!
This blog is SOooo going to be shown to my 12 year old boy. He’s ripe for trainin’….
Nice work on the blog.
Mmm.. gender-confused circus clown. A personal favorite.
Haha, love the post! Gave me a major laugh!
🙂
uponatlas.
This is so awesome that I sent it to Twitter.
This was so helpful. I’m going to go buy a hearing aid.
Hah! Fixing innapproriateness one blog post at a time. love your work. R&H
I think the problem is the parents who failed to dress their children when they were little.
How are they supposed to learn how to dress themselves by watching a Television all day?
… Oh that’s right, by learning from their role models seen on MTV.
Lol! That’s a funny post, I love it! I agree with Cecily. I’m looking forward to the girls version. Great post, thanks for the laugh! 😉
I like the way a lot of young men dress, much better than a boring suit and tie. You only got one life to live, so why not express yourself? It’s all about being yourself and not going along with the boring norm.
P.S I want a shirt that reads Farticus, sounds hliarious…
Great blog, and congrats for being on Freshly Pressed.
I’m making posters of this and posting it at the mall, the high school, and any other place I can think of.
Which ear is considered gay? left or right?
“Q: But how can I express myself?
A: By shutting the hell up and doing as your told.”
My favorite part because it made me laugh so much.
Mr. Mills
97% of teenagers need a bath, a haircut, and six months of digging ditches. Take them out, beat them (with what you decide) once for what they got away with, once for what they did right (just so they know that doing right isn’t something to be rewarded), and once more for no reason (ust so they know that life isn’t fair.) Strip them down, and dress them so that you can tell the difference between male and female, give them a blue collar job, make them read the Bible, the U.S. Constitution, and your blog. Maybe then they’ll have a chance. I enjoyed your blog, had a good laugh, and will follow enthusiastically. Congrats on Freshly Pressed.
Wayne
What about the youngsters who dress themselves in loud stereos and cars? Just as bad, right?
Hi Don,
Firstly, let me commend you for having your blog placed in freshly pressed. Quite an accomplishment. I have been writing for some time now and yet WordPress seem to skip over my writing without fail every time. While I write with correct grammar, eloquence, humor and a satirical wit that can not be argued with, there seems to be little chance that they will highlight my work.
Now, I suppose one could look at your article as satire, in so much that it is harshly critical of young people in general and some people may find that funny. But it sure is a sweeping statement. Indeed, I will agree that there is little doubt that they way some people (young AND old) dress these days is way out of touch with reality, but the same was said of kids in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and so on. I myself was a rebel in the 70’s, all long hair and tight jeans, little t-shirts and boots (not to mention tattoos). And while I am hardly “young” in age, I have not grown old either. The problem with “old” people is that they are so judgmental of, well, anyone different. Just thinking about “the good ole’ days”.
The world is changing, it always has been and always will. I am willing to bet that if there were people alive that were 200 years old, they would mock the way YOU dress.
Your list beside your flyer is rife with inaccuracies. Have you seen old people drive? Or do a 19 point turn trying to parallel park? As an older (but far from old) guy that is actually some of the good things on that list (and indeed, many are good, you must just be dull) I find this blog to be offensive to anyone that is a bit different to someone a quarter to dead.
Thank you so much for listening ~ and I hope that after moderation you actually post this
Dear Don, you seem like a dude. For one who is on the younger side of this debate :-)you truly appear individualistic (not rebellious) and confident. Will look forward to more and I hope they place your blog on freshly pressed soon.
Very enjoyable Don, although I’m not sure I was much different 30 years ago…..
woow…amazing…
thanks for your share
Pretty good article Don… It does look gross with all that crap kids put on these days.
Through bouts of laughter, I find it hard to disagree with your points on the few (if not all) youngsters screwing up the entire generation. What about tank tops? If they intend to wear them, for pete’s sake, why can’t they trim the hedges? It reminds me of a National Geographic doc on the prehistoric age… just thinking about it makes me shiver in disgust.
Brilliant read, Don, and congrats on the Freshly Pressed.
dear guy who writes this blog,
i hate you!! i don’t know why you have such a huge problem with young people. i’m 18 and i i’ve always thought that old people were nice. that was until i met an old hag like you. you have a problem with someone, keep it to yourself!!! do you think you sound like some smart-ass wisecrack who is really funny?? well.. your not!! you are just ultra rude!! and this generation is different. its not like yours and just because you don’t understand us doesn’t mean there is “problem” with us. not one cares about your opinion and i wish they would stop featuring you on freshly pressed so that people like me don’t have to see your stupid face every time we log in to wordpress. there are so many better writers who deserve that slot and who do not hurt the sentiments of others. you probably got a lot of hatred from some young person – like your grand kids(and i don’t blame them) – and you are just taking that out by creating a blog and ranting on about young people. WordPress btw (thats by the way for you, in case you are so old and stupid you don’t even understand that), was created by Matt when he was really young too. so why are you even here?? isn’t this everything you are against? so delete your blog and go hunt for a site like this which was created by some old hag!! oh wait.. i just remembered.. OLD HAGS DON’T DO ANYTHING!! because they are stupid and good for nothing!! now this is the impression you have created on me about everyone your age. i hope your happy. i don’t know why you are so grumpy. no one can be happy by cribbing like this all the time. can’t you just learn to smile and be happy and accept everyone as they are? what the bloody hell is your problem?
Hi, Rashmi Kamath
I just have to point out that if no one cared about his opinion on these matters, as you say, it would not have been featured in Freshly Pressed, would it? Does that not tell you that the majority of readers actually like reading his blogs? His pieces are meant humorously, and why you take it so serious is beyond me… it’s not like he pointed the finger at YOU specifically, so there’s no reason to get all uppity about it. And the author of the blog is Don Mills, not “Guy who writes this blog”. Attention to detail is key, my dear.
While I disagree with some of Rashmi’s statements, I tend to agree with a lot of his sentiment….and I’m in my 30s, married, with a regular job.
I was not able to read this, because I hate how it rails on and on and *on* against every little remotely modern ideas. Creative and eccentric people have to hear the same diatribes from family and friends *constantly*…and it’s just disheartening to see so many people that approve of what seems to be so much venom.
I’m not saying I completely disagree with this WordPress post. There are some good points. But on the whole, I think he takes things way too far.
Sometimes overzealous youth is aslo quite stupid…dont you think , dear Rashmi Kamath ? You have evinced a smile, maybe a smirk and most probably more anger by your response…was that your intent ?
While this may be true….I don’t think Rashmi has really said anything more offensive than the original poster did.
Rashmi —
Don’t take this so seriously. Lighten up! Your BP (That’s “blood pressure” in case you are too young and don’t understand it.) will spike and you’ll stroke-out before Don does. 🙂
And you might want to learn how to use upper-case letters and paragraphs. It will give you much greater credibility.
Poolman
I didn’t think my one response would trigger so much comment.
1. Dear Aeonmagus,
I meant that none of us young people really care about his opinion and we are not going to change just because he doesn’t like it. So all this complaining is not going to get him anywhere. And since his very header says, ‘the problem with young people today is..’ I do feel like he is pointing a finger at me.
2. Dear Pansaf,
Thanks for calling me stupid. My intent was to put my opinion forward. If he can make his dislike for young people publicly known, then i can make my dislike for his posts publicly known too.
3.Dear Lady Tam Li,
Thanks a lot for being the only one supporting me in these comments. 🙂
4. Dear Thepoolman,
You don’t have to worry, we still call blood pressure BP (But I like the way you used that against me 🙂 ) and I’ll make it a point to break my comment into paragraphs and use upper-case from now on. Its just that when your typing away furiously you tend to forget about such things.
And in general, what i am trying to say is that there are so many of us young people who love ‘the good old days’. We love vintage cars, older authors, olden architecture, movies, etc. We have so much respect for those times. But at the same time we enjoy rap music, newer authors, movies, texting, going online, low waist jeans, piercings, etc. When we can accept and love both generations why can’t he do the same? And i’m not asking him to accept or like everything we do. But isn’t creating an entire blog on it just a bit too irritating? When i wen through his blog all i could think of was ‘what the hell did we do to him?’ All i’m asking for is a little respect. Is that really too much to ask for? Also, when i read my comments now i realize that I too went a bit too far and i sound as insulting and cranky as he does. I could have made my point in a nicer way. But I still stand by everything I say. I also noticed that I have spelled a lot of words wrong and missed a few in between – I’m sorry about that.
Rashmi
I can understand where you are coming from. Being a youth myself, I would say that each one of use has a right to express and follow fashion as we please.
But insulting someone for their views, using harsh words against them and publically abusing them is not going to get you acceptance or respect. Next time, you might want to simply ignore these articles if they are so displeasing.
But please don’t go around putting us youth in bad light by being so insulting towards someone.
Point taken!! 🙂 I’ll be more careful next time about my choice of words. 🙂
This was great…very funny! 🙂
Fine and appropriate suggestions. May I over step the line a little and possibly suggest the inclusion of being able to wear an expression of interest and involvement (how ever fake) to complete the set off the outfit for interview? Looking forward to your assessment of this hesitant suggestion. D F C
Thank you for an entertaining read. As a matter of fact you may be my hero. I have one question. Are you a grumpy old man? The reason I ask is that according to my wife, I am on the road to someday becoming one. i actually wrote a post on grumpy old men as well as a rant on the spread of kids wearing baggy pants. Of course I could never be as grumpy as your or so eloquently write your views. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to learn from one who is older, wiser, and obviously more grumpy than me. Take care
That tickled me pink. I’m a ‘youngster’ and still agree with most of that!
amazing article! ive seen a lot of youngsters who are into that kind of clothing!! i cant say if they really have a sense of fashion!!! bwahehe… 🙂
http://travellersdiningdepot.wordpress.com/
I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in my life, however, the waist of space photo is a little forgiving. The guys at my school wore trousers down by their knees! I’m being deadly serious. One guy wore his gym shorts so low that whilst he was running in a football match they actually fell down…and he continued to play!
I’ve read some of your blogs. You really created your own identity here. Good job, Sir.
Titter, titter, Mr Mills. I have since learned (coming from Nigeria) that you cannot go up to people and ask them to pull up their trousers. In London, they threaten to ‘shank’ you. I don’t know what this is but I hear it’s nasty.
I Google’d it, as I was not sure either. When someone threatens to ‘shank’ you, they’re threatening to stab you with a knife, apparently.
Very well said, Mr. Mills. I do believe (while I would fall under the category of “damned young people”) that propriety and gentility should constantly be the order of the day. If both absolutely cannot be helped, then one should at the very least have the decency to dress the part.
If all else fails, an arsenal of highfalutin (or unintelligible) words would be most handy, so as to make an impression of being a mad prodigy- those who honestly cannot be bothered with common hygiene practices as they pursue a lifelong mission in science and technology, literary magnum opuses, etc etc… In other words, those who have no chance (or intention) of ever bagging a real girlfriend, let alone a proper wife.
I delightfully await your next few instructions! 🙂
very nice sir……
This is bad enough – but have you seen the madcap things on runways they expect us to wear in the future?
I have just found your page and I am very amused to say the least being one of the young folk you probably detest i can relate to the differences in fashion my only argument is that we haven’t really done anything original its all recycled from past era’s with small tweaks to try and make it our own nothing about what we wear is unique technically we wouldn’t dress this way if it wasn’t for your generation.
peace out
I certainly wish more men my age would heed your advice! This was very funny.
Spot on! Loved this. Helped make my day.
Wonderful post Mr. Mills! If a young man with dangerously low trousers crosses the road in front of my car I find that my accelerator foot develops an irresistible twitch. Unfortunate for them, as it is quite hard to make good your escape when any sudden move can result in said trousers sliding to the ground. My children and I followed one of the low-trousered through the shops recently, his strange pant-retaining waddle kept us chuckling for some time!
I am now anxiously awaiting the female edition of how to dress.
Now this is funny….finally ! Glad I stumbled in…..keep it up!
spread the humor:charlywalker.wordpress.com
I bet my Bass loafers cost more than your Jordan’s…! But they don’t look like it… Doh!
Mr. Mills,
This post is hilarious but oh so relevant! I’m going to show this to my son tonight!
Thank you for a good laugh this morning.
Best,
Audrey
Love your blog & glad I found it!
nice information
And bloody shave for crying out loud!
A goatee is only appropriate if you are Colonel Sanders, a full beard only works if you are a prospector or Santa Claus. I don’t know what those stupid “chin straps” are for, and your stubble just makes you look lazy.
Well played good sir… well played.
I can see that the Polident is strong in this one.
Congrats on FP 🙂
hi there, i am a mother of 3 teens, i can’t understand why they listen to really loud music, why they are addicted to pc games since i couldn’t stand just looking at it (they are too dizzying), and i couldn’t understand some of their texting abbreviations.. truly enjoyed reading your post.. i’m glad i found your blog thru FP, need to catch up reading your past posts..
Great post Don, you definitely made me laugh.
I’m 19 and I love this. I think it ought to be added to the school curriculum. If a guy wants “style” he ought to have his girlfriend pick out his clothes for him; if he can’t get a girlfriend then style is probably the least of his problems..
If a guy wants style he should ask his girlfriend? Like all girls know how to dress…. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_HgvDFWG-ifg/SlujAh_0lnI/AAAAAAAAAIg/raPx252FNK8/s400/chav5xz.jpg
Yes, more than one would end up dressing like a gender-confused circus clown, like the one in the instructional guide of this article.
Real men know what they like and don’t need anyone else’s opinion, male or female. There are just as many women out there who have no clue what style is, so don’t always listen to them simply because they are in direct possession of a vagina. Having your girlfriend pick out your clothes is just barely a step above having her pack your lunch and cutting up your steak in small pieces so you won’t choke.
Actually, my husband knew how to dress well before I ever met him.
If I had control of his fashion, you can be sure he’d end up much more….eccentric. 😉
I so agree. It should be on the curriculum. When I was young we had home economics, now the kids get study hall.
It should also be pointed out that buying an “Affliction” or similar MMA styled t-shirt does not mean you know how to fight. It means you were suckered into spending $60 on a t-shirt. A pack of 5 Hanes t-shirts is about $10 and accomplishes the same thing and even come in colors and have pockets.
And you forgot wrist watches when it comes to jewelry, which are sadly disappearing with the advent of cell phones, but other that that great article.
$5.00 Keds?! Where have you been? I am a “child” of 42 and a mom to two teens. You make me feel so young. Maybe young enough to dye my hair purple…..?
I’m afraid I could only skim your article, because it was making me a bit angry.
As someone else said….you sound rather uptight. Some things you said I agree with, but I think you take it *waaaaay* too far.
I already talked about my father with the diamond stud. But I also want to say that I think metal necklaces are *very* attractive. What’s more, there are those of the more eccentric nature who *tried* to dress according to these specifications….only to find ourselves wholly and completely miserable.
Then I discovered things like the Corporate Goth website (a site that helps Goths dress properly for the office without completely ditching the subculture) and Gothic Charm School (both a book and a website that helps Goths and helps others understand Goths), I finally felt at peace about my personal style. There’s ways to express oneself that don’t make one look like a crazy person…but still adhere to what one enjoys and what is work/school accessible. What’s more, how I dress as a grown, working, married adult woman is really none of your business. It’s not like I’m telling YOU to dress in cravats and top hats.
We of a more eccentric nature already get enough flack for not “conforming” without this kind of venom. I’m sorry if, for some reason, my skull creepers and black velvet skirts bother you immensely…but you, sir, can very kindly get over it, because I’m not changing just because anything other than Polo shirts and American Eagle makes your eye twitch uncontrollably.
Most importantly, I hope at least you can look past clothing to see the person underneath, and understand that someone who’s dressed “weird” is still a fellow human being.
I wish you the best.
Please hush, young lady. I’m trying to read.
Could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t endorse American Eagle.
First of all, WHO are you, Don?
You’re too incomprehensibly funny and witty for me to believe that you are one, single, elderly man. Your amazing, forceful wit seems like the product of a full room of crazy, talented, old-timey (in truth or for the sake of writing this blog) folks.
Great as usual, your blog is probably my favorite to keep up with.
Aun Aqui
ps, I was disappointed that you didn’t mention the inherent virtue of wearing suspenders..
A tip of the grey fedora to you (the Panama got laid up in ordinary on Labour Day). On the “how do I express myself” question, I might suggest that they learn how to work a pen properly, and then get themselves a proper pen. There are a lot of interesting yet decorous variations on the tie-clip, too.
Don,
That was clearly the bet blog post I’ve read all week! Thanks for the good laugh and the timely advice for all of our young people (and many not-so-young but still pretending). Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed (appropriate in so many ways) today on WP.
Best wishes, MoSop
i’ve always gone outta my way to ‘stick it to the man’ with wreckless abandon–especially through my choice of attire. it bothers me that i’m relating to this post. ‘amen’-ing even. when did i get old?! i’m heading to the old navy for a graphic tee. i’m raging against the geriatric machine!!
Hilarious!
Honestly, this is so true. I’m just getting out of highschool soon, and I’m sooooo tired of all these hipsters and gangsta kids trying to get noticed.
Someone had to post this, I’m glas it was someone as funny as you.
My favourite part; “how do I express myself?”
“Sit down and shut up”
Wool socks cannot be over-rated. (says a young’un).
Loved it! So did my human. My human says that the county landfill is the new mall for a portion of the minus 25 crowd.
http://www.sandysays1.wordpress.com
I think you should include butt plugs for those that wear their pants below the scrotum and their less than flattering buttock is being displayed for all to admire.
Spot ON, Don!
So happy to have found your blog–a treat!
Leslie
Thank you for the post, Don! I loved it. Even if you are a total square. 🙂
Great post–I may have to pass this along to some people! Keep ’em coming!
Hello Don, I’m new to your blog and I absolutely love it! I’m only twenty-one years old and even I agree with the majority of complaints you have about youngsters today! Over here in Britain, the situation regarding youths is probably just as dire. Anyway, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed what I’ve read of your blog so far. The most entertaining rants I’ve read in a while!
Rachel
ALthough I agree with most of the post I have to say that there needs to be some room for self expression.
Funny post and I often wondered who was the first person to walk around town with their pants hanging down by their knees and how it ever became a trend.
Did you also notice that there are some men who buy t-shirts that are about 5 sizes too big and it ends up looking more like a dress than a t-shirt? What happened there? Who ever told them it was a good fashion decision?
I’m 17 so probably should agree with every word of your post. Hilarious and true.
Thanks for making me laugh out loud 🙂
My new favorite line ever is “Do yourself a favor and pull the studs out of your nose, ears, eyelids and tongue; melt them down, forge yourself a hammer and use it to beat some damned sense into yourself.” If I ever write a book, that will be its epigram.
I do enjoy dressing like a gender-confused circus clown.
This is delightful! 😀
The t-shirt wearing guide cracked me up. “There was a time..” Keep up the good work! I hope to see a ladies guide to follow soon!
Your blogs always crack me up! I’ll have to admit that I agree with everything you just said! 🙂
I must say that although I am one of the “nitwit young people” you refer to in your blog (don’t worry, not the kind that dress like a clown) I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts. As one who is also fed up with my generation’s idiosyncrasies, it’s a treat to hear my own complaints put so eloquently. You sir have found yourself another follower. Cheers.
Congrats on being FP…again! Apparently folks want to hear from old people. You keep it up, sir! I think you need to write a book.
Dear Don:
This is the funniest thing I have ever read! I would add to your taxonomy: “40-year-old men who dress like 6-year-olds,” backward baseball cap, too tight t-shirt, baggy cargo shorts, tube socks and hightop sneakers. And you wonder why no one will date you? Thanks for making my day. Sign me up!
Love your blog. I just blogged about how young folks attire also. It seems as though every day for young people has become casual day.
Hi Don! I am a young person, and I think you are totally spot on with your posts.
“melt them down, forge yourself a hammer and beat some sense into your damned self” —i like the tone and humor in your blog post, sir!
Don — Your stuff is great! Keep up the good work.
Poolman
Impressive!
Very enjoyable guide, but you used the wrong form of your when you said “do as your[sic] told.” It should be “you’re.” Thought you might appreciate the heads-up.
I love this, I plan on sharing it with several men my age that I know all who spend more on clothing and wear more accessories then any woman I know. I can’t wait for the female version where you remind ladies that knee length skirts and tastefull ballet flats are far more apealing then 6 inch heals and a visable bra (more comfortable too)
Thank you
Don’t get me STARTED on pants down around their knees!!!!! Well said. Hilarious post.
That’s a good one! Pull those pants up and stop waddling like a duck is what I always think when I see guys with pants so low!
– BitchinRants.Wordpress.Com
Wise words all around. I think I live by 90% of those rules already, but then, I was born middle-aged…
One hint for the “female edition”:
Question: “Is my neckline a too plunging one?”
Answer: “Do you have hair in your chest? No? Then it’s a DAMNED ONE”
Maybe I haven’t expressed it clearly enough: there was hair in her neckline, so it was a too long one.
You had me in stitches regarding your tips for dressing youth.
I have just stumbles across this and I have to say I LOVE it! It had me laughing out loud so much! I particularly love the end bit of remember to dress like a ‘grown up’.
Am off to read your others now! Thank you for making me smile!
Nikki x
Consider me a new disciple. Though I haven’t come to terms with the fact that by saying that I am putting myself in the old fart camp. Hmm. Something to ponder.
I love this post! I want to say some of us are raising our children to dress right my sons wear undershirts, button downs and the appropriate sizes of each as well as pants that do not show their business in public. My daughter is a lady at three and has always been told to cover up. Maybe this is because I have my dead grandparents all four yelling from beyond the grave to “dress you kids right!” and “No one needs to see what you look like under what you are wearing God gave us all a great imagination!” I’m 28 and I am trying though I know you need to know some of us “kids” are trying with the next generation.
i adore this blog. oddly, there are parts of me that are exactly what you’re referring to. but i’d like to believe that i’m not a complete disgrace to the elderly of the world. my blog suggests me to be a bit of a social rebel, or maybe even conformist. but in reality i’m a very respectful, fairly clean-cut, presentable young woman (although I won’t be a young woman for much longer). thanks for sharing! you’re fabulous.
I think that vests, bowties, and sock suspenders should be added to the list of passable items they are still classy for the modern man! Great post today!
I am not a great Freshly Pressed fan, I confess. But I am happy to’ve reached here through it. I’d come to the page to see a friend’s FP, and there I saw a title that I simply couldn’t not see.
Would you consider giving advice on how to walk, too? The dragging of the feet everywhere is getting to me. Perhaps that’s why I quit teaching in high school.
Love! I wish guys knew how to dress these days. When did it become okay for people to walk out of the house looking as if they have no self-respect?
hehehehe u old gun dwaggg u lololol sock it to dem lololol
Just found you, thanks to Freshly Pressed. And I’ll be coming back until I’ve read everything. I’ve have a couple of friends who’ll probably get a kick out of your observations, too.
this is so much like my blog! but a little more to the point. Check mine out and give me some feedback! thanks 🙂 illsayanything.wordpress.com
Thoroughly enjoyed your post!! And agree totally!! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
I’m with you all the way on the penny loafers. I have an urge to wear them with something made out of a black polythene bin-liner.
M
__________
Marie Marshall
writer/poet/editor/blogger
Scotland
http://kvennarad.wordpress.com
I love this! Can’t wait to see the female version.
really entertaining and funny!
Very funny, love the waistline diagram – ingenious!
This made me laugh out loud! I’ll be passing this on to a few young men I know, I think this will do them some good 😉
ahahaha this is funny especially the picture illustrations for an old guy you sure have a better understanding of today’s teens than we young people even do…good one…
I find the older i get, the less I give a poop about what others think. I always thought I didn’t care, but looking back, like most people when they are younger, I expressed myself through the one thing we believe we have control over in our lives at that time; our clothes. Though I do find grown men bent over doing some task, exposing their “crack” quite repulsive, I also am aware, these are generally not those trying to express themselves with what they are wearing, but just overweight slobs, too lazy to pull up their pants. Do you see the fine line between not caring what people think of you when your choose what to wear and letting you ass-crack hang out? When the young do it, I am more apt to give them a pass, as I remember my many “stages” that drove my parents crazy. However, when an adult does it, this behavior is not, in my opinion, a way to express oneself, or because someone does not care what people think, but just plain unsanitary and gross….like someone who does not properly wipe after having a poop, its quite unsettling to say the least.
Very entertaining!
I’m a teenager myself, but I think that the way people dress today is very atrocious with the males wearing these skinny jeans which look very uncomfortable and the ladies wearing these ridiculously short shorts. And it’s not just the teenagers too. The older celebrities who are being leaders to a younger audience who wear clothes that are just horrible. I don’t see why they classify it as “art” because I just think they’re wasting their time looking uncomfortable just for the sake of being famous and liked.
This was a pleasure to read, but also consider that times they are a changing & this little manual suggests that one can only look presentable and pleasant by looking like a European white man. Style changes & while I agree that neatness is a must, not all things have to be so stuck in the past and so western, we evolve as people and so does our style but I guess you haven’t considered the African’s perspective or his touch on this.
I like the FAQ.
Fantastic!
At the risk of using ghetto-baby text-talk: OMG, honey. You are hilarious! Thank you for saying out loud what I secretly think. Daily. I have no problem telling young men in my near vicinity: “hey! your pants are falling down!” They grudgingly hitch up the saggy butts of their pants and look at me like I’m sadly out of synch. Whatev. I so agree: no one wants to see your underpants, and why the hell do you want to walk like Gumby because your giant pants are sliding down your skinny *ss? Bravo!
Haha! This is really to the point. Their common sense is really zero. Let’s not forget these young men are the ones who would write ‘I love you Sally’ on their school toilet’s wall but dare not say it upfront like a gentleman. I mean what’s the point? Will Sally go to toilet to read it ? :@
I thought this was hilarious until I read “doing as YOUR told.” Crap. Everything’s funnier with proper spelling and grammar.
Best fashion advice I’ve read yet! As a thirty-something, I remember the progression as pants were worn lower and lower in middle school and high school. I never understood why anyone would choose to waddle around like a duck, but I prayed the boys would grow out of it. Some did. Sadly, most didn’t. Thanks for smacking these guys upside the head with their own ridiculousness. I thoroughly enjoyed your humor!
I’m a first-time visitor, courtesy of Freshly Pressed, and I’m looking forward to reading more!
A PSA from this granny – if you young men need help pulling the studs out of your nose, ears, tongues, etc. I’ll be more than happy to help.
It should only take about 4-6 good yanks.
I’m stronger than I look.
Would you enjoy that Grandma?
Panovision101.
I take it this an example of your “satirical wit that can’t be argued with”?
Don
Nah…Ima helper.
I must be getting old in my old age! I don’t notice them…
Sir, no disrespect intended, but you failed to address a problem many of us are confounded by: eyewear. I want something sturdy, but the horn-rimmed frames of today are too closely associated with shoe-staring hipsters and iPod addicts. What would you recommend?
This was a wonderfully entertaining start to my day. Thanks!
I also thought I should let you know that there are some kids on your lawn. ; )
This is great! I am raising three young men myself (currently 7, 4 and 2 years old) and truly appreciate this flyer 🙂
Make it law.
Funny
Spot on, Don! Must reading for all young nitwits.
HaHa amazing
I am looking forward to one for young women. i had more than just a good laugh … ohh so true.
I know some of the points put in are well important and others are just a joke but I think it’s kinda pushing it too. Not all young people dress like that and not all old people are friendly, nice, protective and well everything you make them to be.
I loved this! Great post!
But congrats in getting freshly pressed 3 times 🙂
I agree with you. I am a somewhat young guy, but don’t dress like nincompoops. I prefer a well dressed person as well and am instilling that value in my 10 year old son already.
Thanks for the guide.
Hilarious. The unfortunate thing that all the points that Don makes, some people believe in all that and stereotype the person for their personality.
Clothing is pretty innocuous in the end, as long as one is not naked in the wrong places at the wrong time.
I agree that the “radical” dressers at youth have to learn to adjust their look when they age.
WHich means is it still ok for me to wear a black skort (shorts and skirt combined) above my knees when I go cycling….I’m over 1/2 century old.
Can’t wait for the ladies version!
Very funny! 🙂
Off-the-wall funny, good sir. I’m excited to see what you have to say on the trampy young ladies who think they’re sensible with their butt-cheek pants.
“Fashion was something we dreamed up to distract the ladies from the drudgery of housework, child rearing and to keep them occupied while we went out of town on business trips. It was never intended to apply to men.”
“Men are supposed to garner attention from their words and actions, not by the cut of their damned trousers.”
As usual, sir, I couldn’t agree more.
I am taken aback and am deeply concerned with the numbers of young men who are spending more time in front of the mirror than the average woman did 50 years ago.
Like you said, the functional purpose of fashion was to occupy the minds of women so that they would never truly realize that they were sentenced to thankless, dead-end, non-profit, drudgery from the moment of their birth. If they spent their down-time thinking about their 2nd class status, what little they could do about it and how vulnerable they really were, well, they might start burning their bras and demanding change. Better to keep them thinking about hemlines & hairstyles and doped up on tranquilizers.
The great thing about fashion was that it continually changed and keeping up occupied the mind-space of women. The concentration on outward appearance also made them deeply insecure. So insecure, they didn’t have the gumption to talk back to their man, never mind foment revolution. In all, it helped cement the dominant role of men and granted us the kind of personal leeway that corset wearing women could never dream of.
That’s why it’s so concerning to see that young men are the new women. They leaf through fashion magazines and spend ridiculous amounts of time & money trying to keep up with latest trend. That time, money & mindspace should be dedicated to more important things than the latest butter-washed jeans, shirts with fake bullet holes, or invisible socks. Men need to be thinking about running the world, running their lives, and looking after their even more scattered brained women.
Men need to be confident and logical, not a bunch of insecure nancy-boys ruled by whims and emotions. Otherwise, this whole enterprise will degenerate into complete anarchy. It will be a society full of catfights between moody, deeply insecure, people who need 50 pills a day just to keep it together and are up to gills in debt because they blew everything on face cream, Spanx and $350.00 sneakers.
Or is it too late?
Thank you Sedate Me,
Butter-washed jeans? Good Lord, what’s next? Butter is meant to clog your arteries, not smooth the grain on your demin trousers. If you want to take the starch out of your pants, trying working them in the old fashioned way – by wearing them while you work.
I find this girlyfication of the modern man extremely disturbing too. Not only is it nonsensical and embarrassing but it also suggests something more troubling – that somewhere, someone is attempting to hoodwink and distract us males in exactly the same way we did with the ladies. To turn our minds away from serious contemplation of our surroundings.
I had originally suspected the communists were behind it – using some sort of subterfuge to turn us all into “insecure nancy-boys” so that they could waltz into America unopposed and kick our designer asses into the middle of next week.
But now I’m not so sure. Could be we’re just damned stupid. Or that someone realized that if they could get rich pulling the wool over 50 per cent of the nation’s eyes, they could get stinking rich if they doubled their efforts and broadened their horizons.
Regardless, you’re right. Anarchy it will be – and a most unsightly anarchy at that.
Always good to hear from you lad.
Don
You should do one on outdoor gear (e.g Britain’s yoof wearing tracksuits to sit at home in. Or waterproofs with the hood up in blazing sunshine.)
We love your blog- very crabby!
🙂
Noted.
It becomes an issue when you can’t tell if it’s a dress or a shirt…but they still wear it as a shirt.
these all make perfect halloween ideas! 🙂
very bizarre, but I liked
This is hilarious! Great fashion tips. I especially like the diagram for the appropriate height of the waistband on pants! Hahaha!
fine!It is all exciting.
Go on SIR!
Very entertaining.
Genius Sir!
What are your feelings on skin tight trousers? Ladies & men.
I love this. I am seriously going to print this out and hang it up at work, though I think it would be more appropriate plastered all over every wall in the mall.
Some of this I find a little extreme, but it was very humoring nonetheless. Though I 100% agree with with the pants and the shoes.
That was brilliant.
I wish I would have had this post handy last week. In my day job, it was time for a round of hiring. It amazes me what many young people consider appropriate to wear for an interview. I saw the low-riding pants, studs in the ear, nose and eyebrows, graphic t-shirts and all the other items as the week went on. Great post! I am glad to have found your blog and will definitely be back.
I thought you might enjoy the dress code for my daughter’s school. They usually wear a uniform, but once a month enjoy a casual dress day. They seem to have all areas covered. Here is the announcement:
Friday, October 28 is Casual Dress Day. Students in grades 9-12 are given the privilege to participate in “Casual Dress Day,” as long as they adhere to the following dress code guidelines: 1) For all students: Everyone is allowed to wear slippers or shoes. All shirts (crew neck, v-neck, etc.), tops, blouses, and dresses must have sleeves, be unaltered, and in good taste. ALL BOTTOMS (shorts, board shorts, skirts, and dresses) MUST BE BERMUDA OR KNEE LENGTH. Leggings, pajama pants, athletic shorts, and sweat pants are NOT allowed. NO scanty, see-through, or sheer clothing allowed. All shirt and hat designs must be appropriate for an academic setting (NO promoting of sexual content, drugs or alcohol). All clothing must fit appropriately. Facial piercings are not allowed. Hats are allowed and must be taken off when indoors. 2) Girls: All tops and blouses must have sleeves. NO plunging or low necklines. Necklines must be modest and reveal no more than the collarbone area. Off-the-shoulder and scoop-neck tops are NOT allowed. Tube tops, spaghetti-strap tops, and tank tops, blouses, and dresses are NOT allowed, even if they are under cardigans, jackets, or sweaters. NO midriffs allowed. ALL SHORTS, SKIRTS, AND DRESSES MUST BE BERMUDA OR KNEE LENGTH. NO leggings, even if they are under shorts, skirts, or dresses. Capris, jeans, and pants are allowed. NO sheer or see-through tops, dresses, and blouses. High heels are allowed. 3) Boys: Regular and board shorts must be knee length. All bottoms must fit appropriately and not expose any undergarments. All shirt and hat designs must be appropriate for an academic setting (NO promoting of sexual content, drugs or alcohol). Boys must be clean-shaven and have no earrings. 4) IDs MUST BE WORN AT ALL TIMES. ALL STUDENTS NOT IN CASUAL DRESS MUST BE IN PROPER UNIFORM DRESS. WHEN BREAKING ANY INFRACTION OF THE UNIFORM OR CASUAL DRESS CODE, THE STUDENT WILL TAKE THE RISK OF A REFERRAL TO THE UNIT OFFICE. Please remember that casual dress is a privilege, not a right. If you have any questions, please watch our Casual Dress Fashion Show Video, or look at the “Casual Dress Day” posters posted throughout the high school.
I always laugh hysterically at parents and schools that think they are “de-sexualizing the classroom” by dressing their female students in uniform.
Have these people never done a web-search? The last one I did for “school girl uniforms” produced only 1 result in the Top 20 that was actually selling uniforms for school girls. The rest? Well, take a wild guess…and that was WITH the web-search’s “family friendly filter” left on!
Horrible confession time: I’ve caught myself gawking at girls that I wouldn’t even notice if they bumped into me just because they were in uniforms. And some of them were in pant suits with ties!
I say you’re better off to let em dress like prostitutes. That way, they’ll go completely unnoticed.
Haha, I love it!
I should have known better than to read this while drinking iced tea… Hilarious!
This is excellent!! Thanks for the great laugh..this is so true too 🙂
What a wonderful flyer. I would really like to go out and slap some faces with it.
Most of all I liked the “Who’s employable?” part. That had me laughing real hard. Thanks!
hahaha!
Fantastic. You hit the nail on the head here, Don. I am in the younger generation and, while I am a fan of (tasteful and appropriate) graphic tees (on a hot day,) I completely agree. Preach, old man. 😉
This is exactly what I was thinking! Visit the tumblr @
http://everyonehatesmondays.tumblr.com/