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More Emails from Damned Young People

A while ago I added a “Send a Message to Don” page to this blog.

Not surprisingly, I’ve received some interesting missives from damned young people wanting to debate the merit of my views. While not always as flattering as one might hope, the letters do provide a keen insight into the minds of today’s youth.

A sample of some correspondence I’ve exchanged as of late:

hey fuckwad…i think youre parents should have gone to jail if they done that to you (spanked, cut off tongue, pulled out eyes, beat with clubs and whatever else they did). I believe that you had no childhood and that’s why you are like this. Not all teenagers are like you say they are. I for one, am really short. I think you should apologize because I am sure you have offended many young people – K8e

Many thanks for the email K8e,

I appreciate the concern about my childhood. Obviously, having my tongue cut out and eyeballs removed did have some negative impacts on my youth (not to mention the challenges it provided in reading your email) but – on the upside – it did render the spankings and beatings with clubs little more than a minor annoyance in comparison. I’m very much a glass half full sort of person.

While my parents were undoubtedly strict, K8e, you need to understand that in those days people held the primitive notion that the role of an adult was to discipline and instruct their children. This was prior to the revolutionary discovery that effective parenting was actually meant to be premised on worshiping offspring as minor deities, cowering in their presence, constructing shrines in their honor and showering them with material goods and unconditional praise.

Regardless, despite the occasional unanticipated organ harvest and stern talking to, I can assure you that I had a damned fine childhood filled with laughter, flinching and robust games of blind man’s bluff.

I do apologize if my writing offended you, K8e. And don’t you worry about your height. You may have a diminutive stature but it’s clear to me that nothing goes over your head.

All the best. Hope to hear from you again.

Don

teenagers have changed in time but we aren’t suppose to have common sense., I have a tattoo of a face on my hip. I regret getting it because it looks ugly from a needle and ink, but i can’t wait to get more. Like is about expressing yourself and thats one way to do it, or we could go throw bags of flamming dog crap at your doorsteps, i think doing with our bodies what we want is a better outcome don’t you? – Angry Teenager

Many thanks Angry Teenager,

While I’m not sure I agree that young people are supposed to be entirely devoid of common sense, I admit you prove your theory well and that you seem to be living a life dedicated to the fulfillment of that principle. Your interest in getting additional tattoos is a perfect example. As you likely know, doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result is the very antithesis of common sense.

Well done for walking the damned walk.

I admit to being somewhat distressed that the only two forms of self-expression you identify as being readily available to young people today are self-mutilation and setting fire to bags of dog feces. Are there no paint by number sets anymore? Coloring inside the lines according to a pre-ordained numerical sequence is all the self-expression any damned young person really needs. Anything more leads to dangerous notions, unruly hairstyles and a preponderance of dirty dancing.

However, if “ink” it must be then I would recommend you consider getting a tattoo of a hip on your face – not only would it add some measure of balance but it could be considered “ironic” (a concept you young people seem to hold in high regard).

Similarly, if you decide that throwing flaming bags of dog stool at the doors of kindly seniors is needed, my recommendation would be to postpone setting them alight until after you’ve used them as projectiles. I believe you’ll find the concept to be more entertaining if you aren’t the one that ends up with 3rd degree burns and covered in charcoal-broiled poodle poop. It’s not rocket science, Angry Teenager, just good old fashioned common sense.

Good luck and thanks for dropping me a line.

Don

Just because your old doesn’t mean you should be putting down young people? Were the ones putting up with your type in hospitals? You don’t even know every single kid? What gives yous that right to make a fair judgement? Did you have problems as a kid or something? Were you made fun of? No wonder why, go die – des.

Thank you Des,

On behalf of seniors everywhere I thank you for your ongoing tolerance of old people in hospitals. I realize it must be frustrating to wait hours in an emergency room to get the barbiturates pumped from your stomach or have a misplaced sex toy removed from the hidden depths of your rectum while some selfish senior is undergoing emergency quadruple bypass surgery.

Now it’s true, Des, that I don’t know every young person on the planet. I am dedicated to doing so but there are presently 73 that continue to elude me. Once I am able to track them down and observe them in their natural habitat, I believe I will finally have the incontrovertible evidence I need to prove my fair judgments true and be able to conclusively state once and for all that young people are nothing but god damned trouble.

I shall cross you off my list, Des. I appreciate your saving me the trouble of sleuthing, map-questing and the cost of an inter-state bus ticket.

Best regards and good luck in the future.

Don

48 Comments leave one →
  1. 1:13 am

    Don, your tolerance for those damned teens is an example for us all. And K8e does bring up a good point- being “really short” is just one of the many hardships our youth of today face. Really, I feel sorry for her.

    But not for her height.

    • 1:20 am

      Many thanks bmj2k,

      I’m all about tolerance. In truth, though, I find their emails quite fascinating and am always happy to respond. They really do provide a rather frightening glimpse inside the minds of young people today.

      All the best, lad. Hope you’re well.

      Don

  2. 1:22 am

    Don I know you don’t post as much as normal but when you go this long, I think you have fallen and can’t get up. Please indicate you are still breathing weekly with a post that just says “still breathing”

    • 1:33 am

      Thank you Bearman,

      I appreciate your concern. Still, if you’re ever truly worried that I might have fallen and be languishing at the bottom of my basement stairs please don’t feel you need to wait a week before taking action.

      I’ll do my best, however, to provide some sort of notice that I’m still alive and kicking (I expect my summer posting to be spotty at best.) I’ve been lobbying WordPress for a real-time “pulse” widget but they don’t seem to have gotten around to it yet. Too bad, I suspect it would be a hit.

      Best regards,

      Don

      p.s. Still breathing…

      • Sedate Me permalink
        4:15 pm

        Until then, you’ll be forced to announce your illnesses and/or death.

  3. 1:45 am

    Don ,

    You should count your self lucky to have many hours of free laughs , puzzles , and research free insight into the teenage mind . it took me hundreds of dollars in readers digest , a full set of Encyclopedia Britannica and a reckless , unnecessary review of Mad magazine to try and figure out my 4 teen age sons !
    to be honest , I got screwed ! if it weren’t for Paul Harvey , I would have lost it at the very beginning !

    I thought about adding a comment page to my blog , but I haven’t even got my first heckler yet….some day! its good to see you Don..
    ~ Dave

    • 12:37 pm

      Thank you Dave,

      I don’t think you can underestimate the value of investing in Reader’s Digest. In addition to providing valuable parenting advice, it’s also an excellent source of word puzzles, gentle humor and simple Cheese Whiz-based recipes. I’ve been a subscriber for as long as I can remember.

      Good luck with those lads, David.

      All the best,

      Don

  4. Hanna permalink
    2:03 am

    This is very sad. I’m 21 and I have a son that is 1 years old. I pray that I will become a good child to my parents, honor them, and take care of them with love and patience.

    Thy Lord hath decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility and say, “My Lord, bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.” (Quran Chapter 17 verse 23)

    And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents; in travail upon travail did his mother bear him (in pregnancy), and in years twain was his weaning. (Hear the command) “Show gratitude to Me and to your parents…” (Quran Chapter 31 verse 14)

    • 12:38 pm

      Thank you for the comment Hanna. Very nice hear from you.

      Best regards,

      Don

    • modelguy permalink
      3:04 am

      The Quran is an Old/New Testament knockoff vomitted up by a pedophile that got his pate baked in the desert.

  5. 3:11 am

    I’m glad I’m no longer a teenager. Spelling my name with numbers like K8e does isn’t my thing. It causes my spellchecker to go haywire.

    • 3:33 pm

      You might want to reconsider that Ahmnodt,

      Given the way this country is going, I wouldn’t be in the least surprised to see a President with a name like “Mor10 4rd” in the near future. The damned young people seem to eat that nonsense up.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in,

      Don

  6. 8:26 am

    g, don, y so crab-e? don’t b a h8r. (i’m just practicing in case i ever have to respond to a teenager)

    • 3:40 pm

      Thank you Nonnie,

      If you’re serious, you’ll want to lose the periods and commas altogether and add about 15 additional question marks.

      All the best,

      Don

  7. Anon permalink
    10:20 am

    Honestly, these emails seem too idiotic to be genuine. I think you may be getting trolled.

    • 3:57 pm

      Thank you Anon,

      I believe they’re quite serious. In fact, I edited some of the more idiotic elements out of the original emails. But then again, I’m not sure I’d recognize if I was being trolled or not.

      All the best,

      Don

    • Jacob S permalink
      12:36 am

      I think it may be more likely that they are from actual trolls, at least if this is any indication of what a troll is: http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2010-05-13-troll0.jpg

  8. bigsheepcommunications permalink
    11:08 am

    Personally, I’m relieved and happy to see some young people express themselves in mostly full sentences. It’s not as bad as I thought…

    • 12:39 am

      Thank you bigsheepcommunications,

      It’s true. This particular lot of damned young people seemed to make a genuine effort to use punctuation. It was a rather refreshing change from what I’ve become accustomed to.

      Best regards,

      Don

  9. 1:12 pm

    Tattoo of a hip on his face–having sex toy removed from rectum–this is hilarious! I thought old people were supposed to be grumpy and set-in-their-ways–reading those emails, it seems it’s the young people who are (ironic, huh)! As neither an old nor young person (I’m 45), I have this to say to those angry emailers: Lighten up, kids–Don’s just kidding!

    • 12:45 am

      Many thanks Scott,

      That damned irony keeps turning up like a bad penny. For a generation that’s largely apathetic, predominantly lazy and entirely disinterested – they sure get up on their hind legs in a hurry when they think they’re being attacked. Never fails to amaze me how wound up they can get.

      All the best,

      Don

  10. 2:39 pm

    Your email bag reveals the most distressing thing about young people nowadays; they have lost the ability to properly use the apostrophe.

    “Your” as possessive, versus “you’re” as a contraction of “you” and “are” seems to be an especially difficult conundrum for the young. And don’t even get me started about the various “there”s.

    Perhaps it would be helpful to tattoo some grammatical rules on their hips?

    • 12:48 am

      Thank you pegoleg,

      An little Shrunk and White across the hip might be just what the doctor ordered. I should be careful here though – I’ve been known to get a tad sloppy with my apostrophes too.

      Best regards,

      Don

  11. Sedate Me permalink
    4:13 pm

    I admit to being somewhat distressed that the only two forms of self-expression you identify as being readily available to young people today are self-mutilation and setting fire to bags of dog feces. Are there no paint by number sets anymore? Coloring inside the lines according to a pre-ordained numerical sequence is all the self-expression any damned young person really needs. – Mr Mills

    Sir,

    Sadly, that is about the extent of self-expression in today’s youth.

    But to be fair, today’s youth have BECOME the paint-by-numbers sets. Their lives are now drawn by corporate America and all they get to do is paint in the colours when prompted. They spend all their time using the latest techno-toy to do whatever activity is currently deemed “kewl”. They wear whatever clothing their particular “market” is currently supposed to wear (usually around their ankles). And their top goal in life is to become an instant pop culture “superstar”, essentially a meat puppet of giant media conglomerates.

    In short, all their expression is filtered or dictated by corporations seeking profit. And thanks to a society that has allowed, if not encouraged, them to remain ignorant and illiterate, they have very little in their heads to express and minimal ability to express it.

    About the only form of free expression left is self-mutilation and public mischief.

    • 1:56 pm

      Many thanks Sedate Me,

      Fine points and you make them well.

      I suspect that getting tattoos may also fall into the category of doing “whatever activity is currently deemed kewl.” I’ve said it before but when 100 million young people decide to get barbed wire tattooed across their arms it has nothing to do with self-expression and everything to do with getting in line with the standard-issue uniform of the day.

      The same may hold true for public mischief. Even the graffiti I see slathered all over benches, walls, post boxes, train trestles etc., seems to have a standardized and blandly prescribed look. Every idiot with access to a spray can seems to complete the same paint-by-numbers “tag” of their initials. If only they put as much effort in getting their names on job applications…

      There must be a text book somewhere.

      Always a pleasure to hear from you Sedate Me. All the best,

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        3:12 pm

        Excellent point, sir. I thought about that (100 million barb wire tattoos) myself before posting my comment, but I let it pass in a rare act of brevity. The youth of today have been so well trained, even their few acts of real self-expression ultimately turn into mindless, repetitive, mass behaviour. Worse than the kids in Red China!

        I also lament at what passes for graffiti. I see hundreds of tags a day, but I’ve only seen one political commentary in the last 15 years (“Ralph Klein is an oil pimp”). I rarely even see the old standbys: a favourite rock band, a profession of young love, or even a “Kilroy was here”. All I see now is tagging which is nothing more than idiots with nothing to say desperately seeking attention by spraying their name everywhere like a dog marking his territory.

        • 5:30 pm

          I haven’t seen a “Kilroy was here” in a good long time.

          The issue I have with this tagging nonsense (beyond the fact that it makes our neighborhoods look eerily like the inside of a men’s washroom stall) is that damned notion of “marking their territory.” Last time I checked, my municipal council hadn’t deeded ownership of the park, school or my garbage cans to wee Jimmy Asshat nor had they made any proclamation declaring the territory to be HIS. I’d grudgingly concede that he might be able to consider his bedroom “his territory” and would suggest that he limit his asinine scribbling to the interior of his own house.

          But perhaps that’s a subject for another post – another day.

      • 5:08 am

        Dear Mr. Mills,

        I was reading through all of your replies and posts (because quite frankly, I find them hilarious) and I came across this comment. I would like to point out that here you have likened getting a popular tattoo to wearing the uniform of the day, and tagging graffiti as having a uniform, prescribed look. I would also like to point out that you have used the word ‘uniform’ when describing what would be more appropriate clothing choices for us youngsters. You have also mentioned ‘striving for normalcy’ (as I believe it was put, forgive me if I am wrong). Wouldn’t both of these behaviors, whilst still being frowned upon, make more sense if you realize that the youth of America was raised where trashy is the middle-class uniform, and in order to be considered a typical teenager, one has to engage in some sort of vandalism? Please note that I don’t condone either of these, nor am I a vandal myself, I just wish to point out that some of your arguments could have a skewed view. Thanks for your time, and I hope you’re having a lovely day,

        Nikki

  12. 6:49 pm

    i just want to say that your posts are fabulous and always make me laugh. my teenaged daughter’s a fan, too, and i know she’ll appreciate your comment on the word “ironic”. Thanks, again, for brightening my morning!

    • 2:44 pm

      Thank you Mary Elizabeth,

      I appreciate the kind words. Many thanks for stopping by.

      All the best,

      Don

  13. 5:21 am

    I tried not to laugh so as not to wake my sleeping baby, but snorted loudly instead, waking said baby. It was totally worth it, though, thank you!

    • 5:31 pm

      Thank you threelittletrees.

      Hope you were able to get the sprog back to sleep without too much trouble.

      Appreciate your dropping by to visit.

      All the best,

      Don

  14. Sean permalink
    3:24 pm

    Wow, some of those emails were quite rude. If I ever spoke like that (like some of these whipper snappers these days) I’d likely be not only whacked upside my head but lectured as well.

    I always figured kids these days were smarter than previous generations with humor, but I guess not. But given what they are watching on TV, it doesn’t really faze me at all.

    I’ll say this Mr. Mills, you have plenty of patience. You have to wonder though, if they are rude to other people, are these kids rude to their teachers and parents?

    • 6:49 pm

      Thank you Sean,

      Good to know you were the subject of decent parenting. Like you, if I had ever used a curse in the presence of my old mom or dad they would have tanned my hide with every kitchen utensil within an arm’s reach.

      I’m quite convinced that this young generation is not as smart as they should be and nowhere near as smart as they think they are. That combination is what makes them particularly damned annoying.

      All the best Sean and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  15. 4:48 pm

    “Obviously, having my tongue cut out and eyeballs removed did have some negative impacts on my youth (not to mention the challenges it provided in reading your email)”

    Brilliant.

    I discovered your blog a couple days back and I’m hooked. Linked damn near everyone I know, too

    • 6:50 pm

      Many thanks Tom.

      I appreciate the kind words, the link and your efforts to spread the word. Damned kind of you.

      Best regards and thanks for stopping by.

      Don

  16. 6:00 pm

    HOWLINGly funny. You have material just handed to you–you lucky dog!

    • 6:51 pm

      Thank you Heidi,

      I have to admit I’m grateful. I love getting emails from the damned young people.

      All the best,

      Don

  17. 9:33 pm

    How wonderful that so many young people actually read your blog and respond! They might not like what they read, but at least they are reading!

    • 6:54 pm

      Thank you Margie,

      A fair point. It is nice that they take the time and I’m not averse to having my views challenged. Plus, it’s usually good for a damned chuckle.

      Best regards,

      Don

  18. 10:38 pm

    Please make answering these letters a regular feature on your blog. I beg you. I haven’t laughed that hard in a while.

    I completely agree – the letters are fascinating. The punctuation just slays me. The fact that the kids don’t understand humor at all is quite sad. I think they’re just dumb, actually. Your recommendation to the boy with the tattoo of getting a hip on his face to make him symmetrical was pure genius.

    I had to check the spelling of “recommend” yet again. I am clearly going to die without ever remembering how to spell that damn word.

    • 7:31 pm

      Thank you Robin. I have the same trouble with a number of words. Permanent is one that I’ve never been able to manage without the use of spellcheck (or, prior to that a dictionary).

      As long as the young ones keep writing, I’ll keep responding.

      All the best to you and the boys.

      Don

  19. 12:38 am

    Don,

    Another hit out of the ballpark!

    I just recently discovered your blog and after each entry I can’t wait to see what words of wit you have to share in your next installment!

    As is said in my favorite movie … “youth is wasted on the wrong people!”

    Good health and keep the wisdom — along with that priceless humor — coming.

    Give ’em hell!

    • 7:32 pm

      Thank you kindly Rick,

      I appreciate the kind words and your taking the time to share them.

      Hope to hear from you again.

      All the best,

      Don

  20. Rage of Those Interrupted permalink
    9:22 pm

    Oh, wow. People actually sent you these emails? For real? They thought you were being serious?
    … the human race is doomed.

  21. 8:27 pm

    I never felt like spelling my name like k8t when I was a teen…felt childish to me to be honest! I guess all have their preferences!

  22. 1:34 pm

    I wet myself, I actually wet myself. Perhaps a post on “diapers for the aged,” might be in order?

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