More Emails from Damned Young People
A while ago I added a “Send a Message to Don” page to this blog.
Not surprisingly, I’ve received some interesting missives from damned young people wanting to debate the merit of my views. While not always as flattering as one might hope, the letters do provide a keen insight into the minds of today’s youth.
A sample of some correspondence I’ve exchanged as of late:
hey fuckwad…i think youre parents should have gone to jail if they done that to you (spanked, cut off tongue, pulled out eyes, beat with clubs and whatever else they did). I believe that you had no childhood and that’s why you are like this. Not all teenagers are like you say they are. I for one, am really short. I think you should apologize because I am sure you have offended many young people – K8e
Many thanks for the email K8e,
I appreciate the concern about my childhood. Obviously, having my tongue cut out and eyeballs removed did have some negative impacts on my youth (not to mention the challenges it provided in reading your email) but – on the upside – it did render the spankings and beatings with clubs little more than a minor annoyance in comparison. I’m very much a glass half full sort of person.
While my parents were undoubtedly strict, K8e, you need to understand that in those days people held the primitive notion that the role of an adult was to discipline and instruct their children. This was prior to the revolutionary discovery that effective parenting was actually meant to be premised on worshiping offspring as minor deities, cowering in their presence, constructing shrines in their honor and showering them with material goods and unconditional praise.
Regardless, despite the occasional unanticipated organ harvest and stern talking to, I can assure you that I had a damned fine childhood filled with laughter, flinching and robust games of blind man’s bluff.
I do apologize if my writing offended you, K8e. And don’t you worry about your height. You may have a diminutive stature but it’s clear to me that nothing goes over your head.
All the best. Hope to hear from you again.
teenagers have changed in time but we aren’t suppose to have common sense., I have a tattoo of a face on my hip. I regret getting it because it looks ugly from a needle and ink, but i can’t wait to get more. Like is about expressing yourself and thats one way to do it, or we could go throw bags of flamming dog crap at your doorsteps, i think doing with our bodies what we want is a better outcome don’t you? – Angry Teenager
Many thanks Angry Teenager,
While I’m not sure I agree that young people are supposed to be entirely devoid of common sense, I admit you prove your theory well and that you seem to be living a life dedicated to the fulfillment of that principle. Your interest in getting additional tattoos is a perfect example. As you likely know, doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result is the very antithesis of common sense.
Well done for walking the damned walk.
I admit to being somewhat distressed that the only two forms of self-expression you identify as being readily available to young people today are self-mutilation and setting fire to bags of dog feces. Are there no paint by number sets anymore? Coloring inside the lines according to a pre-ordained numerical sequence is all the self-expression any damned young person really needs. Anything more leads to dangerous notions, unruly hairstyles and a preponderance of dirty dancing.
However, if “ink” it must be then I would recommend you consider getting a tattoo of a hip on your face – not only would it add some measure of balance but it could be considered “ironic” (a concept you young people seem to hold in high regard).
Similarly, if you decide that throwing flaming bags of dog stool at the doors of kindly seniors is needed, my recommendation would be to postpone setting them alight until after you’ve used them as projectiles. I believe you’ll find the concept to be more entertaining if you aren’t the one that ends up with 3rd degree burns and covered in charcoal-broiled poodle poop. It’s not rocket science, Angry Teenager, just good old fashioned common sense.
Good luck and thanks for dropping me a line.
Just because your old doesn’t mean you should be putting down young people? Were the ones putting up with your type in hospitals? You don’t even know every single kid? What gives yous that right to make a fair judgement? Did you have problems as a kid or something? Were you made fun of? No wonder why, go die – des.
Thank you Des,
On behalf of seniors everywhere I thank you for your ongoing tolerance of old people in hospitals. I realize it must be frustrating to wait hours in an emergency room to get the barbiturates pumped from your stomach or have a misplaced sex toy removed from the hidden depths of your rectum while some selfish senior is undergoing emergency quadruple bypass surgery.
Now it’s true, Des, that I don’t know every young person on the planet. I am dedicated to doing so but there are presently 73 that continue to elude me. Once I am able to track them down and observe them in their natural habitat, I believe I will finally have the incontrovertible evidence I need to prove my fair judgments true and be able to conclusively state once and for all that young people are nothing but god damned trouble.
I shall cross you off my list, Des. I appreciate your saving me the trouble of sleuthing, map-questing and the cost of an inter-state bus ticket.
Best regards and good luck in the future.