Tips for Damned Young People: How to Find a Summer Job
Now that summer has arrived, I offer some sage advice for any damned young person that may actually be considering hauling their ass out of bed and looking for a job.
Tip #1 – Have Realistic Goals
Chances are that if you’re under 25 the closest you’ve come to demonstrating any measure of responsibility is remembering to rotate your bong water on a weekly basis so don’t be assuming that some head hunter is going to magically appear at your front door begging you to become the vice-president of “product pimping” at Ass-Crack Clothing or looking for you to lead up the Space Program at NASA.
Try to remember that you’re unlikely to land a six figure summer income with stock options if your resume is thinner than Karen Carpenter and your only previous source of income was a weekly allowance.
Consider your abilities, your education and your natural interests and look for work that suits your skill set. For example, a toll booth operator may be a logical fit if, like most young people, you have a predilection for sitting on your ass all day while taking money from other people.
Tip #2 – Forget the Damned Hipster Jobs
Face facts – you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting an unemployed web designer or freelance anarchist and every metrosexual poindexter with an ironic t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans has already applied to become the “barista” at your local coffee shop.
Consider a sensible job like chimney sweeping, wheel tapping or flax heckling. And while you’re at it, ask yourself if slinging coffee would hold the same cache if it weren’t for the pompous job title. If it makes you feel better, you can always take a job flipping whoppers, grow a wispy goatee and call yourself a god damned “Burgerista.”
Tip #3 – Don’t Count on Nepotism
Chances are the reason your old dad works 12 hours a day is because he wants to put as much distance between the two of you as possible. He needs his down time and sure as hell doesn’t want you traipsing around his office showing his coworkers your latest belly piercing, undiagnosed rash or complaining about how he won’t pay for your IUD.
A man’s workplace is meant to be a sanctuary from the spirit-crushing grind of family life so show it the respect it deserves and don’t be pressuring him to land you an entry level position surfing the internet searching for Lolcats, Beiber haircut updates and fancy pants barista schools.
Break out the “Help Wanted” pages and get your own damned job.
Tip #4 – Take a Critical Look at your use of Social Media
If your last status update was “Third DUI of the year!!! 😦 ” chances are you’re an unemployable halfwit who needs to make some serious damned changes to his life.
Update your religious affiliation from “Satanist” to something less asinine and don’t have your profile picture be a cannabis leaf, sex toy or member of Motley Crue. Try to remember that nothing puts off a potential employer faster than seeing a list of interests that includes “flash mobbing”, “genital shaving” and/or “Hello Kitty.”
And while we’re on the subject of the interwebs, for the love of Christ don’t be looking for work or applying for jobs on-line. The only people who have ever found paying work over the internet are con-men and prostitutes. And chances are you’re not qualified to be either.
Tip #5 – Get the Competitive Edge
There are a million other miscreants out there looking for work so give yourself the competitive edge and un faux your hawk, purchase some bar soap and brush up on communicating in full sentences instead of rude utterances and naval gazing tweets. If you learn to string together 10 coherent words that don’t include “random”, “epic” or “meh” that should elevate you into the top 3 percentile of teenaged job hunters.
You might also want to consider practicing working at home. Granted, you may think your parents enjoy acting as your valets but I’m sure they’d be happy to let you make your bed, clean the kitchen or wash your own damned underpants if they felt it might help you become competitive in the job market and get you out from underfoot for a few hours a day.
Employ these few simple tips and you should be digging ditches, slopping chilli or mending fences in no time flat. Now get the Hell out there and get looking for work.
And before you ask, no, you can’t use me as a reference.