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It’s Time to Bring Back the Ugly American, Damn it!

Few things chap my fanny more than this nation’s preoccupation with plastic surgery.

In my day people were too busy waving flags, raising families and working themselves into an early grave to worry about their outward appearance. We were more concerned about the cut of our jib than the line of our jaw and considered ourselves lucky that we lived in a country where people had the freedom to be as ugly as hell.

We were hideous and proud of it. Our faces had character and every furrowed brow or crooked nose told a story of hard work, self-denial and the dangers of marrying kin. We may have had milk-jug ears and a mouthful of snaggleteeth but we didn’t let that stop us from getting a job, finding a mate and achieving a modicum of personal happiness.

Nowadays though, everyone is obsessed with altering their God-given looks and going under the surgeon’s knife. Half the population today have been injected, augmented, enlarged and peeled so many times that they look like cast offs from the island of Dr. Moreau for Christ’s sake. It’s gotten so an old man can’t turn around in the Piggly Wiggly without getting poked in the eye with a breast the size of a savoy cabbage.

If my day if you wanted a fat lip you didn’t shell out a $1000 to some plastic surgeon, you just sassed your old dad and let the back of his hand do the job for you. We went to the doctor if we had rickets or ringworm, not because we wanted to have our crow’s feet ironed and our asses lifted.

But these days, people take their bodies in for service more often than their god damned cars. Botox, face lifts, implants, brow jobs, tummy tucks…there are more options for rearranging your looks than are there flavours of ice cream at the Baskins and Robbins and it’s all in aid of the shallow pursuit of a surgical fountain of youth.

Well what’s so damned great about looking young anyway? In my day meaty jowls, spare tires and a receding hairline were a sign of maturity and we respected the women who had them. We wore our wrinkles like a badge of honor and sure as hell didn’t try to demean our age by attempting to erase them from our skin.

This madness needs to come to an end, damn it. If people today are so hell bent on throwing good money after bad on surgical self-improvement I’d recommend they forgo fat grafting, facial sanding, nipple tucking and other ill-advised vanity projects and strongly consider getting themselves a good old fashioned spineoplasty, gumption injection or character lift instead.

In my view, it would do them a hell of a lot more good.

63 Comments leave one →
  1. 9:59 pm

    I agree with all of this, but don’t you think that dentistry has made the average Brit a little more tolerable to look at?

    • 10:17 pm

      Thank you bmj2k,

      A fair point but personally I think it’s undermined a bit of their national identity too. It would be like making the French less damned arrogant. Sure, at the end of the day they’d still be French but they just wouldn’t seem the same anymore somehoe.

      Besides, it’s not like they’re having them enlarged in order get attention. You don’t see people with DD incisors strolling down the street.

      All the best, Bmj2k, and Happy Easter.


      • Dr Tim permalink
        10:53 pm

        Dear Don

        We’ve had dentists over here for quite a while, and until a few years back they were provided to everybody for free as part of our wonderful National Health Service. But they tend to focus on helping us to bite stuff effectively and without pain, rather than on ineffectual smiling.

        Very best regards

        Dr T

      • 4:04 am

        are you kidding, don, or is the eyesight going? look around! people these days now have teeth the size and color of chiclets. you could use them to project movies on or rent them out for billboards.

  2. 10:17 pm

    The excessive alcohol caused my parents to have bad aim, which meant I always ended up with fat eyes instead…but nice color.

    • 10:48 pm

      Thank you Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket,

      It’s a surprise that “plump, full eyes” hasn’t become a fashion must yet. You’re parents may very well have been cutting edge.

      Still, fat lips, fat eyes, fat ears, fat ass…all that mattered was that it was free and as easy to come by as turning your nose up at the idea of your mother presenting you with leftovers again.

      All the best lad.


  3. Poland Spring permalink
    10:22 pm

    Mr. Mills is on point!

    As usual.

    There is a correlation between this whole plastic surgery hooplah, work aversion, behavior problems, and the divorce rate among the damn young people.
    Always something better, newer, more plastic around any corner.
    Why bother developing your own look and personality when you can have a ready-made CaliFace model plastered over your own distinctive features.
    Why stick to the same ole’ spouse when you could order one by mail, then trade in for a newer model.
    Why have the same job, when your resume can look like yellow pages listing.

    Those people..
    Thank goodness for Mr. Mills, our beacon of wisdom and maturely white hair.

    With holiday wishes,
    Poland Spring

    • 11:03 pm

      Thank you kindly Polish Spring,

      You’re absolutely right. This plastic surgery nonsense is intrinsically linked to our rampant consumerism, need for immediate gratification and our desire for easy solutions to non-existent problems. If people took some time to understand the value of things and learned to appreciate what they had (and what they were born with) they’d be a hell of a lot better off.

      It makes me furious. It really does. I don’t know who said it originally and I’m paraphrasing a bit but “deep down we’re very shallow.”

      All the best Polish Spring.


  4. 10:37 pm

    People look just as old apres facelift, but now they also look really surprised about it.

    ps I’m sure your local Medi-Spa can recommend a course of treatment for that chapped fanny.

    • 11:18 pm

      Thank you pegoleg,

      A fine point. Perhaps if they could come up with some sort of plastic surgery that resulted in people looking more intelligent and less like they’ve just stepped out of the lab at Madame Tussaud’s House of Wax it would be a little easier to tolerate.

      Many thanks for visiting and all the best,


      p.s. thanks for the tip on fanny chap. I’d been using a homemade mixture comprised of 1 part talcum powder, 2 parts hydrocortisone cream and 1 part alphaghetti but it doesn’t seem to be doing the trick.

      • Sedate Me permalink
        6:51 pm

        Excellent point, sir. Why is it always about physical beauty? Why not a Hawking lift or a Einstein injection to make you look smarter than you are? Clearly, we do not value intelligence anywhere near they way we value tight skin, big lips and hulking bags of silicone.

        Even though this society need an injection of brains more than ever, our obsession with the skin deep grows at a staggering pace.

  5. Dr Tim permalink
    10:41 pm

    Dear Don

    Well said sir. I’ve earned my double chin and my baldness and I’m proud of all three of them. And of a dozen other age-related cosmetic afflictions that, thank God, my early onset Alztheimer’s causes me to forget. And even if I didn’t forget them, I can’t remember where I put my spectacles, and don’t care to look in the mirror anyway.

    Darned fool vanity in my view.

    Best regards

    Dr Tim, I think…..

    • 11:40 pm

      Many thanks Dr. T.

      Darned fool vanity indeed. I was never much on mirrors myself and rarely had call to use one. When I was a lad it was my mother who would look me over and determine if I was fit to go outside, to school or wherever I may be headed. And when I got married, my Aggie took over the job.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in,


      p.s. if memory is an issue I recommend the daily crossword, regular angry letter writing and small pieces of string tied to the fingers all work exceptionally well.

  6. MyRobbie permalink
    11:34 pm

    Hello, sir! Recently I had to go see an Ear Nose and Throat specialist and my husband had to see a dermatologist. Both for unsightly/painful health reasons. Boy, was I given an education as I tried to find these specialists. Turns out those specialist titles are code for “chemical peel givers” or “botox injectors” or “collagen implanters.” Even the ENT! I had no idea! And of course, when we did finally get a place that bothered to do the insurance work for you (most places were pay as you go), they still rushed us in and out the door in order to make room for the much more profitable insecure person in the waiting room.

    It took a while, but we did find good doctors. My point is…stop it with that already! I guess? I don’t know. I just wanted to get that off my chest. Oh, and before I go, I miss little old ladies. I really really do. The really old ones. I aspire to be one myself, one day. Here’s hoping!

    Sincerely, MyRobbie

    • 11:53 pm

      Thank you very much MyRobbie,

      “Stop it with that already.” I agree.

      I don’t claim to be an expert in this area but I have to wonder what the hell makes someone want to go through medical school and all of the work I would assume (and truly hope) accompanies becoming a medical professional just so can stuff some vainglorious half-wit’s lips or breasts full of unnatural and unrequired goop?

      Aren’t doctors supposed to be interested in healing and pain relief and extending life? Or is that another thing that’s gone out of fashion? Sure, I can understand how if someone in medical school had to make a choice between breast augmentation and proctology they might be inclined to take the more scenic route but you would think that after some careful thought they’d either give up medicine entirely or take the job that actually had some potential health benefit for people.

      Anyway, I’m glad that both you and your husband were able to eventually find good doctors and trust that you’re both fully on the mend at present.

      Best regards,


      p.s. I was with a large contingent of little old ladies today for Easter and must tell you that it was a most delightful afternoon. Good luck with your aspiration – I’m sure they’d be delighted to have you among their ranks.

      • MyRobbie permalink
        12:02 pm

        Thank you, Mr. Mills. It’s lovely to hear you were swarmed with little old ladies yesterday, but I worry about the next few decades. Will they be replaced? I think not. And in about 35 years or so, when I join their ranks, I’m afraid I’ll be the only little old lady around who has her own breasts, lips, hair color and unmarked, original skin. Maybe I can start a trend?

        One of my best memories from my wedding ten years ago were the little old (very very old) ladies who helped us with the ceremony – telling us where to go and when. I didn’t know them, they came with the church, but they were so very helpful, sweet and they made the day that much better. They were so glad that I was going to have communion for everyone in the service. I believe they were the only ones to do so, except myself! Hadn’t thought of that in years!

        Very lovely post, as usual. A belated Happy Easter to you, sir.


  7. 11:34 pm

    About 14 years ago I threw out my bathroom scale and got rid of all but decorative mirrors. I’ve never felt better about myself.

    People today need to spend more time improving their brains rather than their looks. We have an over-abundance of youth and beauty, but a real shortage on smart.

  8. Jello permalink
    12:46 am

    Considering it’s their money, I say let them do as they please. Better they “waste” their money on optional surgery than alcohol or anything that could cause others danger.

    I have a friend who had to had two massive surgeries for medical reasons and he told he if he can avoid it he will never go for surgery.

    And when I nearly shattered my leg, I sure didn’t (and still don’t) didn’t want comedic surgery to hide the scars. Hospitals aren’t what they look in TV, I just wish the generation below mine understood that.

    But every time I think of someone getting a fat lip, I think of my classrom guppy I had back in my younger years of mandatory education.

    • 4:48 pm

      Many thanks Jello and welcome,

      I appreciate the comment but feel this interest in plastic surgery does harm others (and I mean more than simply being poked in the eye at the Piggly Wiggly). All this ridiculous surgery sets a dangerous precedent and teaches other damned young people that the only way to achieve happiness is by having something stretched, peeled or injected.

      If they want to waste their money, perhaps they should consider paying down their massive debt, investing for their future or putting some money aside to buy an aged relative a nice new cardigan. It would be money much better spent.

      All the best, Jello, and many thanks for stopping in to visit.


      • Sedate Me permalink
        7:01 pm

        If they want to waste their money, perhaps they should consider paying down their massive debt, investing for their future or putting some money aside to buy an aged relative a nice new cardigan. – Mr Mills

        Right on, sir!

        But how about this? They use their money for another optional surgery…getting their tubes tied before passing on their genetic code!

        • 9:04 pm

          Thank you Sedate Me.

          Yes, I’d say that’s a form of elective surgery I’d be happy to support in principle – and may even be willing to support financially.

          All the best, lad.


        • elizabeth3hersh permalink
          6:33 am

          Guilty as charged Don (damn!). I stopped receiving your blog posts so will have to resubscribe (that, and I am stalking Sedate Me).

          Sheepishly yours,


          • Sedate Me permalink
            4:20 pm

            Admitting you have a Sedate Me addiction is the first step on the road to recovery (from a weekend of animalistic passion).

  9. 1:10 am

    Vanity has replaced ethical behavior. If I look good, I can be the biggest horses A– ever, and get away with it.

    Vanity has replaced morality. Everyone who crosses my path should feel lucky enough with that. Don’t expect me to give a rats’ patootie about your miserable life.

    Vanity is self defeating. Anyone seen a true 80 year old who has gone under the knife so many times they look like a soaking wet cereal box.

    Keep up the good work!

    • 4:50 pm

      Many thanks Opus.

      I appreciate the comment and your taking the time to share it with me.

      You make some good points. I might add, too, that in my view vanity has also replaced character.

      All the best,


  10. 2:48 am

    I’m waiting for everyone to look the same, with the same blindingly white teeth, bust size,, nose and lips. Then I’ll look unique and everyone will want me on the cover of their magazines or the star of their movies.

    • 4:51 pm

      Thank you Tricia,

      An interesting strategy and, based on my most recent calculations, one you should be able to enact within the next 14.4 months.

      Best regards,


  11. Woman permalink
    5:45 am

    I agree and I disagree with you here Mister Donald… I am strongly considering plastic surgery, not because of appearance sake but for my own sanity but probably not end up getting it done because I am kindof attached to this body part… it is a toss up. I do not want to alter my appearance, I worked long and hard to like what I look like, but lordy loo on pogo sticks; talk about uncomfortable!!!!!! I have also gone under the knife to repair severe frost bite on various body parts, but just the skin and underlying flesh/nerves repaired nothing changed . I think of it like this. If one is going to alter ones appearance with the hopes that it will change who they are on the inside, that is where I very much agree with you. But altering ones appearance due to health concerns (breast reduction for example, these tata’s are not all that fun when you try to run and they flop everywhere and the back pain is torture!!! Or vaginalplasty because ones labia gets caught and pulled tugged causing vast amounts of discomfort) I would agree with.

    For me personally? I cannot wait to get wrinkles!!! Shows that you lived.


    • 4:57 pm

      Many thanks Woman,

      Having surgery to address health concerns is an entirely different matter and one that even I generally support. I won’t comment on the specific examples you provided as they made me feel quite queasy (I’ve always said when it comes to issues of women’s health we men should just butt out entirely and go find a decent magazine to read) but trust you will make sensible choices based on long-term well-being and not aesthetics.

      Always nice to hear from you woman. Sorry to learn about your frostbite. Nasty business that.

      Warm regards,


  12. 7:14 am

    I am one of the few who has never ever done anything to my body. It is just as I was created. now at 72 I am still in one piece. Yes there are lines here there and everywhere but they are the lines of experience and wisdom. Yes. I do look at my face and think ‘ Goodness you’re getting old Yes I do have a sagging stomach and floppy arms. Yes I do have liver spots wrinkly hands. I have varicose veins as well , but I am young in mind, fit in body, and as healthy as I need to be.
    I wonder what will happen when all this surgery begins to disintegrate?

    • 5:04 pm

      Thank you Patrecia,

      The disintegration aspect is rather troublesome isn’t it? If the quality of boob jobs, face lifts and other procedures is anything like the quality of other services provided nowadays they’ll likely all either fall off, break or burst into flame the moment the warranty expires.

      All the best,


  13. Fairy Face permalink
    9:53 am

    Oh Don how I can relate to this post. I have a twin who has had two eye jobs and a full face lift. She has scars in front of her ears, under her eyes and above her eyes. She constantly has to wear makde up to hide all the evidence of the surgery she says she had to have. Yeah well if she’d worked like I did instead of spending her youth by the pool her skin would not have become so damaged. I agree that we should wear our lines and wrinkles with pride. I want people to see that this face lived , worked and worried. I want to still be able to express feelings and not look like I’m in shock most of the time. Apart from that, she now looks nothing like me and I can honestly say that’s a good thing as I don’t want to look like her EVER!! What about the rest of the body? Those old hands are a dead giveaway. Those old legs and old feet too. I’m not saying we are that old but she’s forgotten that other body parts age too and hand transplants aren’t
    something you can have done on a whim. Oh I forgot the pout. She had fat put into her lip now she looks like she has a bee sting lol. Silly sister! Is she any happier, who knows? She certainly doesn’t look it because that new face never smiles.

    • 5:11 pm

      Thank you Fairy Face,

      It’s easy to see who got the damned brains in the family. No offence (I realize she is your sister) but she sounds like she could use a lobe lift.

      All the best. Very nice to hear from you.


  14. 12:36 pm

    I do not understand how anyone could risk major surgery for looks. I’ve had major surgery for necessity – it isn’t a pleasant experience!

    Not to say I wouldn’t like to reduce the effects of gravity on the “twins”, but I’d prefer not to take the risk. I’ve seen some of the “gone wrong” results.

    • 5:13 pm

      Thank you Team Oyeniyi,

      You’re absolutely right – it most certainly is not a pleasant experience and not one that should be undertaken lightly. (Plus, when I have a coronary I’d prefer not to have to wait for an operating room while someone has their face sanded.)

      Aging is inevitable. Best to just give in to gravity and time and try to enjoy the damned ride.

      Best regards,


    • Sedate Me permalink
      7:15 pm

      One of the effects of gravity on “the twins” is that they wind up looking bigger. They also tend to jiggle a little more with age. Bigger & jigglier sounds like what the surgery hounds seem to be after. They just don’t have the patience for it to happen naturally I suppose. I guess the plan is to stuff them full of plastic so they weigh more and sag quicker.

  15. 1:56 pm

    How about just a little something under the chin Don? Nothing you’d notice, just enough so I wouldn’t have to pull turtlenecks up to my lower lip.

    • 5:16 pm

      Thank you Moe,

      I have to say “no” to the neck job. It’s nothing but vanity and, besides, I’ve always found high rise turtlenecks quite attractive.



  16. 4:19 pm

    Hi Don,

    The irony is that while there are all of these plastic surgeries available other Americans have put on more and more weight. There has been a beauty trade off.

    • 5:17 pm

      Many thanks Heather,

      That’s an excellent point and the two are very connected in my opinion. People want everything fast and easy. Rather than work to maintain their health and looks naturally, they eat like damned pigs and then rather than diet to lose weight just want the fat sucked out of them. It’s disgraceful.

      All the best,


  17. 5:31 pm

    I agree with you. I often wondered when I was in junior high school, why the other girls were wrestling themselves into girdles. I thought they should just go to the gym and eat healthier, and live with whatever they get from that. Plastic surgery is going too far, in my opinion. Unless your face was messed up in a car accident or something.

    • 9:02 pm

      Thank you Janet,

      I fully agree about eating well and accepting the cards you’ve been dealt. I suspect young girls today would find the notion girdles odd though – I don’t imagine they wear them anymore and even if they did would be more inclined to be found wrestling themselves out of them underneath the bleachers of the local high school.

      As for car accident victims, sure – I suppose that would be acceptable. However, in my day if a lad fell into the thresher face first we didn’t put too much effort into his nose or ears back in the right place – we just stitched it up as best we could and gave him a funny nickname.

      All the best Janet and thanks for visiting,


  18. Sedate Me permalink
    7:43 pm


    Once again, you’ve hit the nail on the head. Although, if things keep going the way they are, that nail will soon hit you with a bill for the plastic surgery it had because of you hitting it so frequently.

    This is an incredibly shallow, youth obsessed, culture. The amount of plastic surgery going on not only confirms this, it encourages it further. As everyone rushes to look “better”, it continually raises the bar for what’s considered externally beautiful, thus making it harder on those who don’t measure up and those who used to measure up, but no longer do. It also raises the bar on what risks people are willing to take to meet those standards.

    It must also be noted that these vanity operations occupy Docs (and medical facilities) who could actually be doing REAL surgery with REAL health consequences.

    And the funny thing is that so many of these people look like they rolled off an assembly line. No character at all. Although, character is exactly what they got plastic surgery to avoid needing.

    • 2:50 pm

      Thank you Sedate Me.

      Wise words, as always.

      I was especially taken by your final paragraph and fully agree that people are beginning to look as though they’ve run off some form of photocopying machine. And it most certainly does strip clean whatever character their faces and bodies may have once had.

      I was in the waiting room at my Doctor recently and found myself leafing through one of those People-type magazines (my Doctor continues to refuse me demand for sensible reading) and saw a most disturbing before/after photo of a young woman who had undergone a series of plastic surgeries. I didn’t linger over the images long but remember being struck by the notion that in her original photo she appeared to be reasonably attractive by today’s standards and relatively distinguishable from the host of other young blonde idiots those magazines exalt.

      The after picture, however, was quite disturbing. Sure, she’d had the entire checklist of parts inflated to code but she’s also somehow managed to have them remove any trace of uniqueness or interest from her face. She truly looked like something designed by a team of designers and then run off some upscale GM-type human assembly line. Hopefully none of her parts will be subject to recall.

      Sorry for rambling but it struck me as both odd and sad.

      All the best, lad.


  19. 1:24 am

    I Sir, completely agree with you. Plastic Surgery should be reserved for disfigurement cases, not refigurement desires. My disgruntlement also extends to body jewelry and tattoos. I figure that what we were given looks pretty damn good and attempts at improvement may feed the vanity, but ruins the body.

    Methinks I need to read more of your wisdom.

    • 2:53 pm

      Thanks for the comment Jerry and welcome,

      I’ve expressed my feelings on nose rings and tattoos in the past. If you’re interested, you can find links to those articles over in the sidebar. A word of advice, if you express distaste for either be prepared for a backlash of stupidity from young people that is both stunning and frightening.

      Best regards,


  20. 7:07 am

    Amen! I think plastic surgery should be reserved only for those seriously disfigured in accidents and attacks.

    I had nose surgery in 1986. I had some trouble breathing, because of a “deviated septum”, and it was to correct that. But my breathing is no better now than it was before, and the surgeon left a permanent scar in my right nostril–so I regret having that done. But what I regret more is this: I had a nose like that of George Washington or Thomas Jefferson–a distinguished-looking nose. But even though I was twenty, in 1986, I still smarted from the constant teasing in middle and early high school about my nose–because it wasn’t the typical Anglo-Saxon nose, but more like that of most Southern Europeans (like the Romans). I was in college by this time, and nobody teased me about it anymore, but it still bothered me. So I asked my parents (who were paying for the procedure) if I could have my nose’s appearance altered, as well as the deviated septum. They insisted that I my nose’s appearance was fine, but I wasn’t convinced. So they reluctantly gave-in, only because I was getting the “deviated septum” corrected anyway.

    And I wish to God I had never done that! My nose doesn’t look bad now–but it looked so much better before I had its appearance altered! If I could go back to 1986, I wouldn’t have the surgery done at all! But as Mark Twain said, “It’s too bad youth is wasted on the young.”

    • 10:12 pm

      Many thanks Scott,

      I appreciate you sharing that story, lad. I wonder how many other young people are going to wake up in their mid-forties and regret the very permanent changes they’ve made to their bodies (both via plastic surgery and the local tattoo shop). I suspect the numbers will be significant.

      All the best and many thanks for visiting.

      All the best,


  21. 2:48 pm

    Don, you are, again, right on the money. While waiting in line at the local supermarket one day, a little girl turned around, poked me in my well deserved and expensive tummy, and said, “My daddy’s got one of those.” While her mom was making excuses for her, and I was laughing too hard to stop her, I thought, the last thing I’d want is for this same child to turn around and say, “My daddy used to have one of those until he got a tummy tuck and a stomach band.” Now that would be both embarrassing and a sign of the times.

    • 10:14 pm

      Many thanks Jammer,

      Damned funny story. It reminds me of a bald spot incident I won’t bore you with at the moment but which involved a small child informing me that I had a “hole in my hair.”

      All the best Jammer,


  22. 9:56 pm

    Plastic Surgery sounds nice. It’s a surgery just like any other surgery. Sell that to the masses and it should scare them as much as it scares me.

    • 10:17 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      I’m not so sure. I think the dangers are well known (they’re certainly well publicized). It seems people are prepared to take considerable personal risk in order to get their parts rearranged. If only they had that much courage when it came to personal responsibility.

      All the best.


      p.s. I trust your birth credentials are all in order.

  23. 12:22 pm

    Well I’m torn Don, I’m just plain torn.
    Course I don’t like the thought of altering the good Lord’s work, in principle, but damned if my poor granddaughter’s got to go through life with those ears stickin’ out catchin’ in the trees.

  24. amela permalink
    11:51 am

    totally agree with you don. where is the beauty in being fake?

  25. 10:17 pm

    Always, always a LAUGH OUT LOUD blog. The breast the size of cabbages got me going… You’re right! Ugly People unite and stand up for themselves….damnit.

  26. 12:43 pm

    Thank you for your insightful analysis of culture. You are a comedic genius.

  27. 1:05 am

    I would have rather showed up for work with my shirt occasionally inside out than to look like I spent hours adjusting every pin hole in my face: ears, lips, nose, tounge, eyebrows, etc… with bling. All the lipo-suction in the world won’t stop that ship from sinking on their chests and they need more than botox to change their stupid expressions when they leave the room after sitting on the whoppee cushions.

  28. 11:36 pm

    Too much ‘fakery’ around, humans are becoming obsessed and plastic, and I could go on and on about it but frankly you’ve said everything I was thinking in your blog post – really enjoyed it!


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