It’s Time to Bring Back the Ugly American, Damn it!
Few things chap my fanny more than this nation’s preoccupation with plastic surgery.
In my day people were too busy waving flags, raising families and working themselves into an early grave to worry about their outward appearance. We were more concerned about the cut of our jib than the line of our jaw and considered ourselves lucky that we lived in a country where people had the freedom to be as ugly as hell.
We were hideous and proud of it. Our faces had character and every furrowed brow or crooked nose told a story of hard work, self-denial and the dangers of marrying kin. We may have had milk-jug ears and a mouthful of snaggleteeth but we didn’t let that stop us from getting a job, finding a mate and achieving a modicum of personal happiness.
Nowadays though, everyone is obsessed with altering their God-given looks and going under the surgeon’s knife. Half the population today have been injected, augmented, enlarged and peeled so many times that they look like cast offs from the island of Dr. Moreau for Christ’s sake. It’s gotten so an old man can’t turn around in the Piggly Wiggly without getting poked in the eye with a breast the size of a savoy cabbage.
If my day if you wanted a fat lip you didn’t shell out a $1000 to some plastic surgeon, you just sassed your old dad and let the back of his hand do the job for you. We went to the doctor if we had rickets or ringworm, not because we wanted to have our crow’s feet ironed and our asses lifted.
But these days, people take their bodies in for service more often than their god damned cars. Botox, face lifts, implants, brow jobs, tummy tucks…there are more options for rearranging your looks than are there flavours of ice cream at the Baskins and Robbins and it’s all in aid of the shallow pursuit of a surgical fountain of youth.
Well what’s so damned great about looking young anyway? In my day meaty jowls, spare tires and a receding hairline were a sign of maturity and we respected the women who had them. We wore our wrinkles like a badge of honor and sure as hell didn’t try to demean our age by attempting to erase them from our skin.
This madness needs to come to an end, damn it. If people today are so hell bent on throwing good money after bad on surgical self-improvement I’d recommend they forgo fat grafting, facial sanding, nipple tucking and other ill-advised vanity projects and strongly consider getting themselves a good old fashioned spineoplasty, gumption injection or character lift instead.
In my view, it would do them a hell of a lot more good.