Welcome to your Golden Years – Please Review the Rules Before Entry
I was quite shocked recently to learn that the leading edge of the baby boomer generation is poised to cross the threshold into senior citizenship.
While we oldsters are generally quite welcoming toward our senior freshmen, I’m gravely concerned about the ability of this particular group to fit in comfortably with the existing elderly contingent. This concern is due in no small part to the fact that these new arrivals will be made up almost exclusively of former hippies, drug sniffing trippies and god damned yippies.
I don’t think it’s overstating the issue to say that this is potentially the greatest crisis to hit the senior citizen sector since the Johnson & Johnson artificial hip recall of 1997.
And so, in the interest of maintaining the sanctity of seniorhood, I’ve taken the liberty of writing a basic code of conduct for any Woodstock-era boomer on the cusp of turning sixty five.
1. Try to Remember That Old Folks Don’t Do “Groovy”
If you’re intent on becoming a senior the first thing you’re going to need to do is forget your unsavory hippie past. This isn’t the summer of love, it’s the winter of your discontent and the last thing we old folks need are a bunch of free-loving, hookah-puffing, protest-marching peaceniks giving the rest of us a bad name.
Remember, seniors define the good old days as those when there were values, morals and a strong national work ethic – not as a time when folks rode around in a hand-painted VW van while following the Grateful Dead on tour. Trust me, no one wants to hear a senior natter on about how he got freaky with his old lady while tripping on blotter during the Jefferson Airplane set at Woodstock.
If you’re going to live in the past, please make it pre-1961.
The time has come to put down the Rolling Stone pick up a Field and Stream and start focusing on sensible things like coupon clipping, tending to your lawn and complaining about the lack of adhesive on postage stamps.
2. You’re A Sexagenarian not a Damned Pirate
Check your damned earrings and ponytails at the door please, gentlemen. They sure as hell aren’t welcome in seniorville.
That gold hoop looked stupid on you at 20, foolish at 30, asinine at 40, cringe-worthy at 50 and has no place being anywhere near your mid-sixties. If you need to wear jewellery get yourself a medic alert bracelet like the rest of us and stop acting like a great flashy jackass.
And get a sensible haircut while you’re at it. I don’t care how long your pony-tail is – you still have gray hair, a bald spot and a neck wattle that would fan a small fire. You’re an old man now – get yourself a comb-over and a modicum of self respect.
3. Just Say No to Leather Headbands and Beaded Necklaces
While on the subject of appearance let’s jump to issue of age-appropriate attire. I don’t know what the hell you boomers are thinking but no senior with a lick of sense would be caught dead in a tie-dyed t-shirt, Nehru jackets or a pair of Birkenstocks. It’s time to burn your dashikis, ponchos and bell-bottomed trousers once and for all and get with the damned program.
Your basic old man wardrobe consists of the following: 30-year-old business shirts, cardigan sweaters, grey flannel slacks, orthopedic loafers, black nylon socks, and a drawer full of white singlets and roomy underpants. It’s stylish, sensible and if you shop wisely you can pick the whole kit up for under $100.00.
4. When We’re Tripping it Usually Results in a Broken Hip
The average senior consumes more drugs in a week than the graduating class of your local high school does all year but ours are LEGAL damn it! If you want to be a respectable oldster you’ll be expected to give up your psychotropical toadstools and LSD-laced kool-aid once and for all and get your pills from multi-national pharmaceutical companies instead of common criminals.
If you absolutely need to get a damned “buzz” on do what we do – take your diuretic on an empty stomach, load up on alka seltzer and stand up too quickly.
5. If You Do Nothing Else, Try to Act Like an Adult for God’s Sake
Once you hit 65 you’re an ambassador for seniors everywhere and your actions reflect on the rest of us. We’re supposed to be beacons of decency, the moral anchor of society and it gives us all a bad name if you’re out there riding skateboards, puffing cannabis and generally behaving like six shades of stupid. So smarten the hell up.
You boomers will be a challenge but all I can say is thank god I’ll be dead by the time Generation X hits sixty five. I think that would be more than I could manage.