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The Problem with Young People – Trading Cards!

Fun for the whole damned family…

I am pleased to provide the final installment in my “The Problem with Young People Trading Cards” series. Buy them today, collect them tomorrow and trade them with your friends for years to come.

Available now but for a limited time only. The final series includes:

Card # 42 – The Nerd (the ultimate collector’s collectable)

Card #3 – The Spoiled Brat (cry until your parents buy it for you!)

Card 21 – The Party Animal (also makes a fine coaster)

Previous trading cards series:

The Stoner – The Goth – The Skank

click here

The Frat Boy – The Punk – The Tattooed Freak

click here

The Assclown – The Heavy Metal Moron – The Raver – The Social Misfits

click here

The Pierced Freak – The Gamer – The Pregnant Teen – The Age Inappropriate Senior

click here

Brought to you by the old man at Donco.

51 Comments leave one →
  1. 5:57 pm

    Fantastic, I love this.

  2. Cecilia permalink
    6:08 pm

    Excelent description of the nerd type. You missed the computer and techno jokes, besides the fast speaking in the best “I’m smarter than everyone so you must listen to my high-pitching voice giving my great opinion to the world about some unuseful thesis involving any ridiculous thing” style. Like the guy at the Facebook movie talking to his former girlfriend at the begining of the film.

    Can’t leave this blog. All the best, Don.

    • 6:15 pm

      Nice to hear from you Cecilia,

      An excellent observation on the computer jokes and the snotty attitudes. It drives me crazy enough that I have to swallow my pride and take my computer to a damned 15-year old every time the whatchamacallit or thingamabob crashes through a firewall and warps my waterboard without having to be subjected to infantile “floppy drive” double entendres and pubescent sniggering.

      Glad you’re still open to visiting, Cecilia. It’s always so nice to hear from you.

      Best regards,


      • Cecilia permalink
        9:06 pm

        Of course I’m open to visiting, Don. Whereelse can I find such smart observations on youth stupidity? 🙂
        It seems the computer experts/technicians are each time younger, and they complain when having to study something serious which demands only thinking and writing with good old paper and pencil, as Mathematics. I teach Math at some local universities here, an once a Computer Science snotty student argued why he had to worry about “nonsense” as that, while he could obviously write reasonably complex programming codes. He even offended me, because I threatened his own view of himself, showing that he was just an ignorant who knew computer keyboard shortcuts and names of applications, or hacking his young brother MySpace account or something. I simply despise those boys…

        Greates regards, truly yours.

  3. 6:17 pm

    I hope #42 Lawrence Flange isn’t a rare card because guys like that are all too common. On the plus side, you can avoid them pretty easily as their b.o. gives them away at a distance of thirty yards.

    • 6:25 pm

      Thank you bmj2k,

      My idiot neighbor’s moron son falls into the Lawrence Flange category. Half the time I have no idea what the hell the kid is costuming himself as but I don’t mind telling you it scares the hell out of me to go out to collect my morning paper and see some giant yellow supermoron running up and down my street. In my day there would have been someone running behind him with a net in hot pursuit.

      All the best bmj2k and thanks for stopping in.


  4. 8:40 pm

    Stew Poffler’s number is going to be retired and hung in the rafters. The one bright side is young people like Stew rarely become old people.

    • 9:54 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      Sadly, I expect that his number will never be retired. Too many damned up and coming ignorant rookies looking to don the vest.

      Warm regards,


  5. 9:16 pm

    Stu looks 40 but is sadly only 15. That’s what hard living does to you.

    • 9:56 pm

      Thank you Bearman,

      You’re right there. Can’t imagine what the Hell he might look like at 30. Probably make me look like a young Allen Ludden.

      Best regards Bearman,


  6. 10:00 pm

    That is so hilarious! Those are so pro looking.
    I collected Garbage Pail Kids trading cards when I was a kid. I’d still like to have them. My grandfather collected little bird cards from baking soda boxes back in the 20s. We still have them fortunately.

    • 12:16 pm

      Thank you Lisa,

      I’m not familiar with the Garbage Pail Kids. Are they anything like the Katzenjammer Kids? I’m glad to hear you’ve held on to the baking soda cards. I’m glad to hear you’ve hung on to those Arm and Hammer baking soda cards – they were nicely done and are probably highly collectible these days.

      All the best, Lisa, and thanks for visiting.


  7. 10:07 pm

    I wonder what kind of hissy fit I could throw to win that Spoiled Brat trading card. I’m in it to win it. (does it count if I use “I” instead of “me”?) You know you want to give it to me (pouty face).

    • 12:19 pm

      Thanks Tricia,

      I’d suggest starting out by holding your breath and then move to one shrieking and hysterical tears. It’s a well worn strategy but highly effective.

      If I ever get around to having these cards properly made you’ll be the first to get the full set. I imagine those fridge magnets I sent you have faded away to nothing by now. I know mine have.

      All the best,


  8. Scott permalink
    10:44 pm

    Man, I’m laughing my ass off!

    Sadly, of those three, I best relate to the Nerd!

    Are you sure you’re as old as you claim to be–you know more about today’s young people than most of today’s young people do!

    • 12:24 pm

      Thank you Scott,

      My memory isn’t what it once was and some days I’m not sure of too much – but my age is something I still have a fairly decent grasp on. As for knowing more about today’s young people than they do – it’s not surprising. It seems our whole culture is devoted to the promotion of a “young people” lifestyle. I can’t open a magazine without being bombarded by images of “Snooki” and the latest trends in “textual intercourse.” And that’s in Field in Stream.

      Best regards,


  9. MyRobbie permalink
    11:14 pm

    These *are* professional looking! You’re a wonder with the photoshop, Mr. Mills. I believe my favorites are Stew “Ed” the party animal and, in perusing your past work, the Age-Inappropriate Senior. Being from the east coast of Florida, I am quite familiar with both those types. In fact, if you weren’t one, you were the other. Or something. Myself, I am more the social misfit type, however, having been married ten years, can no longer count myself a virgin. Thankfully.

    Wonderful, as usual, Mr. Mills. I think you’re fanning the flames of my anger towards the young idiots of the world and that’s a really good thing.

    Sincerely, MyRobbie

    • 12:36 pm

      Thank you kindly MyRobbie,

      Having been to Florida recently, I can attest to the fact that the State seems to have an inordinate amount of age-inappropriate seniors (AIS) and raging party animals. They are both troubling to observe but I find the AIS especially disappointing.

      I’ve said it before but these bikini-clad octogenarian ladies and muscle-shirted septuagenarian males tend to give us decent, well-attired seniors a rather bad name. I actually saw a 70 plus year old man in what I can only assume was a blackwatch tartan thong. I caught the next flight home and have vowed never to return.

      Glad to hear I’m helping to fan the flames.

      Very nice to hear from you MyRobbie. All the best,


  10. 2:11 am

    I’m not sure ‘sexiest Wolverine’ and ‘heavyweight class 5’4″ and under’ go together. I’m just sayin’…

    I’m sad to see the end of the trading cards. I think there is a demand for more since the supply of moronic young people never ends.

    • Polish Spring permalink
      2:47 am

      Dear Mr. Mills,
      Astute observation captured in ever perceptive way.
      Were I in reproductive age, I’d reconsider the choice.
      As I am not in the appropriate for procreation age bracket, these will make fine presents to all the damn young people in the gift-giving range.

      Ps. The nursing home advice caused quite a stir at the local cafe. Adults are on the lookout for deceptive tactict against nursing home incarceration.

      Don Mills for President!
      Polish Spring

      • 10:26 pm

        Thank you kindly Polish Spring,

        Glad to hear the local seniors are on guard against the not so subtle propaganda of the nursing home industry. It’s important to remain vigilant no matter how much pudding they promise.

        All the best,


    • 10:24 pm

      Many thanks yellowcat,

      You’ll get no argument from me on the Wolverine front. I suspect, however, that they are just playing to their core audience.

      I’m quite happy to bring the cards to and end for now. If, however, a new and even more atrocious type of damned young person were to pop up on the scene, I can always squeeze in one or two more.

      Best regards,


  11. 3:02 am

    Professional, and factually accurate, where can I buy them?
    On a minor point though, I do believe “nerd” and “geek” are mixed up here, but I will save you the annoyance of reading through my arguments.
    Great post! Are you sure you’re an old person?

    • 10:30 pm

      Thank you chibichunsa,

      I’d actually be quite interested in better understanding the difference. I’ve run into some problems with my terminology being inaccurate in the past and am always anxious to learn.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,


      p.s. I’m quite sure about my age. It’s easy to take the wrong galoshes at bingo – it’s hard to forget that your old.

  12. Tara permalink
    4:43 am

    Your blog makes me so happy!

  13. 4:47 am

    a nose job and chemical peel? what? no boob implants? 😯

    • 8:50 am

      LOL! I agree! What happened to the implants!!?? Great post !

      • 2:50 pm

        Many thanks Shreejacob and my apologies for missing your comment earlier. all the best,


    • 10:32 pm

      Thank you Nonnie,

      I assume she was still in double A at the time and hadn’t yet cracked the big leagues.

      Sorry. Couldn’t resist.

      All the best! Always a pleasure to have you stop in, Nonnie.


  14. 9:29 am


    It’s a shame these are the last cards in the set because they just keep getting better and better. “Mistaken for an angry Pikachu” is comedy gold. Lawrence reminds me of a co-worker of mine who has actually built a replica transporter in his basement. I assume it’s non-functioning and I’m not about to actually visit that basement to find out for sure. Being male, I think I’d have a 50-50 chance of returning alive. If I were female, I might as well leave a letter with my lawyer to be released upon my mysterious disappearance. Oddly enough, my co-worker has failed to clear 5’4″. Maybe if he had spent more time growing and less time getting his development arrested.

    I also appreciate Elspeth’s grasp on the universe, which must include the belief that the world stops when she goes to sleep and resumes rotating once her makeup is fully applied. I do wonder if she’s actually applying herself. Only two parents wrapped around her finger? You’d think a future trophy wife would have parents that were into multiple divorces, thus allowing her an exponential number of parents to bend to her blond, toothy will. Oh well, she’s still got her life ahead of her and hundreds of people to step on over the next 10-15 years, before using the combined power of Botox and tanning booths to preserve her eerily unwrinkled “youth.” Perhaps a few shots of formaldehyde would ease this transition.

    • 10:51 pm

      Many thanks Mr. Liontamer,

      I’d recommend using some very real caution around that coworker. While he may seem harmless now it’s only a matter of time until he trades the transporter for a phaser and shows up at work dressed as a very small Klingon with a very big chip on his shoulder. Chances are he’ll go for those that taunted him first.

      An excellent point about Elspeth. You’re quite right – there should be at least 8 parents wrapped around her finger by this point in her career. A true oversight.

      All the best, CLT, and thanks for visiting. Always good to hear from you.


  15. Sedate Me permalink
    4:35 pm

    Sir, another All Star effort from a Hall Of Famer!

    I really think you should look into making these things for real and offering them for sale. It would make an excellent novelty gift. The costs of card production is pretty cheap these days. With the right equipment, and a little knowledge, you could even do them yourself or get a friend/relative to do it for you.

    It could serve as a nice little income earner, certainly enough to offset the costs of the website.

    • 10:56 pm

      Thank you Sedate Me.

      I’ve looked into it once before but lost interest when I realized I’d actually have to get out of my chair and go organize things. Now that the series is done, however, I may see if I can find a decent printer to run me off some halfway decent cards or maybe some decent fridge magnets.

      Always good to hear from you lad,


  16. 6:06 pm

    When did you meet my cousin (The Nerd)? ha.

    The Assclown is definitely my favorite. That’s an impressive list of awards and stats.

    Hilarious, as usual.

    • 10:57 pm

      Many thanks Momfog,

      The assclown is my personal favorite as well. He’s an impressive lad – no doubt about that.

      Warm regards,


  17. 7:23 pm

    Interesting. But they are too gross and depressing to look at more than once. That’s why I got rid of my TV. The human species is de-volving into something I’m afraid to look at.

    • 11:06 pm

      Thank you Janet,

      You’re quite right. Between piercings, tattoos, hideous clothing, plastic surgery and just good old fashioned ugly behavior we really are becoming quite the frightening tribe aren’t we?

      All the best,


  18. 10:41 am

    I needed the laugh, thank you! LOVED the “Voted most likely to get “grossed out” on her wedding night”, but I tend to think she may have had a few practice runs, don’t you think?

    • 11:17 pm

      Thank you Team Oyeniyi,

      I believe I’d rather not speculate on any “practice runs” Elspeth may or may not have taken. The notion turns my stomach in a most unpleasant way.

      All the best and many thanks for visiting. I hope you’re well.


  19. amela permalink
    3:05 pm

    don, i must say that the party animal is what many perceive american people to be like

    • 11:20 pm

      Thank you amela,

      And, in my opinion, they’d have some justification in holding that perception. However, they’d be wise to remember that he doesn’t represent everyone – there are a whole host of other kinds of idiots out there too.

      All the best,


      • amela permalink
        11:27 am

        heheheheee you really crack me up. pls write a book. i’d be the first one to buy it.

  20. 3:45 am

    I think I dated Elspeth at one time in my life when full facilities were in total disarray. I’m talking here about puberty, and that first date. If life were perfect, no such dates would occur . . . ever. But being as it isn’t, and I sure the hell wasn’t, such dates should be limited to the time when one has fully matured, so, over sixty. That way, your libido, having already been tagged by every known source of mind numbing madness, can just laugh it off. But being a mid-pubescent idiot, which is a disease that infects all mid-pubescent kids, I dated this female. That’s the real reason I’m now shriveled up in a tight ball, speaking into a microphone that translates my words to this blog. I hope this warns all males, regardless of age, to stay away from the likes of Elspeth, you future life may depend on it.

    • 10:56 pm

      Nice to hear from you Jammer,

      Ah, the folly of youth. Sounds like one hell of a traumatic experience. Hopefully others will benefit from your words of warning and avoid making the same mistake.

      Good to hear from you lad.

      All the best,


  21. 10:03 am

    this made me laugh so much!

    • 10:56 pm

      Many thanks tinkerbelle86.

      Any chance the 86 refers to your age? I’m guessing not but always like to ask.



  22. Woman permalink
    12:40 am

    Mister Donald;

    Do I send the bill to you for needing to get my screen and keyboard cleaned after laughing so hard and spitting my coffee at it while reading your blog?

    Fantastic!!! And even more hilarious cause my mind started thinking with all the ridiculous TV shows currently on… that they need one called, “Trophy Wives”.


    • 11:54 pm

      Many thanks Woman,

      Very nice to hear from you again. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if “Trophy Wives” was on it’s way. I believe it was the working title of one of those “House Wives of the Third Ring Of Hell” programs they air on network television.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.


  23. 5:04 pm

    Very funny and pretty acurate, I think I have met alot of those guys.

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