The Problem with Old People Today Is…
A while back a young man named Aiden left me a comment which included a laundry list of complaints about senior citizens.
He raised some interesting notions and in the interest of improving inter-generational communication, I felt it might be helpful to share my responses to his “problems with old people today.”
You can’t see or hear
But to my credit, neither of those facts stops me from driving on the highway.
Your a burden on the nhs
Seems to me I’ve paid into the tax system for over 60 years and am likely due a little return on my investment. Based on what you young people have contributed to the government coffers I assume you’d be lucky to have earned more than a band aid, a cotton swab and one rough swipe with a rectal thermometer.
Your expectations after your death are too high
True. Just the other day my dead wife demanded we renovate the kitchen, take a trip to Europe and have sex more often.
You sometimes smell of cheese
Given a choice between the aroma of Limburger or the stink of indolence, bong water and bad manners that emanates from you damned young people, I’ll take cheese any day of the week.
You expect us to clean your shit when you can no longer do it yourself
Son, if someone is asking you to polish their stool and you’re complying with the request, I’d suggest that this has nothing to do with age and everything to do with you being the victim of a particularly cruel practical joke.
I would strongly encourage any young person facing this dilemma to bring the issue to the attention of their parents or a trusted school teacher immediately (unless of course they are the ones asking you to clean their feces – in which case I’d recommend you run away and join the circus).
You smell of piss
Largely, I suspect, due to peeing our pants laughing at the image of you young people polishing our stools.
Your hands become like a leather sofa
True. But you have to understand that my generation used our hands for manual labor and didn’t limit their use to thumbing video game controllers, hoisting pizza pops, speed-dialling our cannabis supplier and gratuitous self-manipulation.
You don’t like anyone under the age of 83
Actually, I don’t care for people in general but I had to draw a line somewhere and 83 seemed like a reasonable number. Those pups in their 70s with the leather cardigans, greased back comb-overs, low-rise walkers and orthopaedic switchblades are trouble and I want nothing to do with them.
Your jealous of tight skin
Truth be told, I enjoy my roomy skin. Even when I’m naked it feels like I’m wearing an oversized pantsuit. And my wattle is quite practical – if I give it a good shake I can use the resulting breeze to cool my morning porridge.
You wear spanx
Only at church, bingo and the annual fashion show at the seniors centre. Other than that – I’m a truss man.
You need Viagra
And in my view, you teenaged tomcats would be wise to dose your Red Bulls with a pinch of saltpeter now and again. If you’re not rutting like all manner of farm animal you’ve got your nose stuck in a dirty magazine or are busy “sexting” half the Eastern Seaboard.
It’s no wonder the closest you’ll come to academic achievement is passing a paternity test. Take a cold shower, damn it, and put your energy into something more productive than littering the world with bastard children and contracting the latest venereal wart.
Your morals don’t fit with society
And thank God for that…in a world where lip-piercing, stool polishing young people are considered the norm, I’m quite pleased to be woefully out of touch.
You dont have teeth
Actually, I have several pairs. I’m a bit of a collector and display them on my mantle. In addition to my “Washington Oaks” and novelty “Rubber Uppers,” I’m particularly fond of my “Martha Raye Mach 3 Partials.” It has 4 extra molars and is guaranteed up to 400 chews a minute.
You buy your grandchildren the wrong gender birthday cards
On this charge I plead guilty with an explanation. We do our best but you damned young people are all androgynous jethrosexuals with unisex first names and gender-indifferent hair cuts. I’d suggest you take your Strawberry Shortcake card and your $5 bill and be grateful we even bothered to try.
You’re too small
I honestly don’t see the need for anyone to be taller than 5’6” or wear anything larger than a size 7 shoe. Being 6’9” in the second grade is showy, freakish and entirely disrespectful.
Your posture is bad your spine is bent over
This, sadly, is true. But you have to understand that our old bodies have been worn down from years of fighting communism, holding jobs, shouldering responsibility and raising decent families.
I expect your generation will have perfect posture until the day you die.
You have no hair
Patently untrue. Why just this morning the amount of hair I trimmed from my ears and nostrils was equivalent in mass to good sized Fu Manchu moustache.
You have to have a zimmer frame
Guilty – but full credit to old people for continuing to walk. I suppose it’s partially due to the fact that our parents are dead and we can’t badger them into driving us everywhere.
You think you are better than everyone
Not true…just better than those 82 years of age and younger.
Your a racist BIGGOT!
Thank you for calling me out on my racist attitude toward young people. I’m surprised you didn’t mention my ageism against blacks, my elitism toward women or the sexism I display toward the disabled.
I have no excuse to offer, Aiden. I suppose that like you, I’m just a product of my age.