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The Problem with Old People Today Is…

A while back a young man named Aiden left me a comment which included a laundry list of complaints about senior citizens.

He raised some interesting notions and in the interest of improving inter-generational communication, I felt it might be helpful to share my responses to his “problems with old people today.”

You can’t see or hear

But to my credit, neither of those facts stops me from driving on the highway.

Your a burden on the nhs

Seems to me I’ve paid into the tax system for over 60 years and am likely due a little return on my investment. Based on what you young people have contributed to the government coffers I assume you’d be lucky to have earned more than a band aid, a cotton swab and one rough swipe with a rectal thermometer.

Your expectations after your death are too high

True. Just the other day my dead wife demanded we renovate the kitchen, take a trip to Europe and have sex more often.

You sometimes smell of cheese

Given a choice between the aroma of Limburger or the stink of indolence, bong water and bad manners that emanates from you damned young people, I’ll take cheese any day of the week.

You expect us to clean your shit when you can no longer do it yourself

Son, if someone is asking you to polish their stool and you’re complying with the request, I’d suggest that this has nothing to do with age and everything to do with you being the victim of a particularly cruel practical joke.

I would strongly encourage any young person facing this dilemma to bring the issue to the attention of their parents or a trusted school teacher immediately (unless of course they are the ones asking you to clean their feces – in which case I’d recommend you run away and join the circus).

You smell of piss

Largely, I suspect, due to peeing our pants laughing at the image of you young people polishing our stools.

Your hands become like a leather sofa

True. But you have to understand that my generation used our hands for manual labor and didn’t limit their use to thumbing video game controllers, hoisting pizza pops, speed-dialling our cannabis supplier and gratuitous self-manipulation.

You don’t like anyone under the age of 83

Actually, I don’t care for people in general but I had to draw a line somewhere and 83 seemed like a reasonable number. Those pups in their 70s with the leather cardigans, greased back comb-overs, low-rise walkers and orthopaedic switchblades are trouble and I want nothing to do with them.

Your jealous of tight skin

Truth be told, I enjoy my roomy skin. Even when I’m naked it feels like I’m wearing an oversized pantsuit. And my wattle is quite practical – if I give it a good shake I can use the resulting breeze to cool my morning porridge.

You wear spanx

Only at church, bingo and the annual fashion show at the seniors centre. Other than that – I’m a truss man.

You need Viagra

And in my view, you teenaged tomcats would be wise to dose your Red Bulls with a pinch of saltpeter now and again. If you’re not rutting like all manner of farm animal you’ve got your nose stuck in a dirty magazine or are busy “sexting” half the Eastern Seaboard.

It’s no wonder the closest you’ll come to academic achievement is passing a paternity test. Take a cold shower, damn it, and put your energy into something more productive than littering the world with bastard children and contracting the latest venereal wart.

Your morals don’t fit with society

And thank God for that…in a world where lip-piercing, stool polishing young people are considered the norm, I’m quite pleased to be woefully out of touch.

You dont have teeth

Actually, I have several pairs. I’m a bit of a collector and display them on my mantle. In addition to my “Washington Oaks” and novelty “Rubber Uppers,” I’m particularly fond of my “Martha Raye Mach 3 Partials.” It has 4 extra molars and is guaranteed up to 400 chews a minute.

You buy your grandchildren the wrong gender birthday cards

On this charge I plead guilty with an explanation. We do our best but you damned young people are all androgynous jethrosexuals with unisex first names and gender-indifferent hair cuts. I’d suggest you take your Strawberry Shortcake card and your $5 bill and be grateful we even bothered to try.

You’re too small

I honestly don’t see the need for anyone to be taller than 5’6” or wear anything larger than a size 7 shoe. Being 6’9” in the second grade is showy, freakish and entirely disrespectful.

Your posture is bad your spine is bent over

This, sadly, is true. But you have to understand that our old bodies have been worn down from years of fighting communism, holding jobs, shouldering responsibility and raising decent families.

I expect your generation will have perfect posture until the day you die.

You have no hair

Patently untrue. Why just this morning the amount of hair I trimmed from my ears and nostrils was equivalent in mass to good sized Fu Manchu moustache.

You have to have a zimmer frame

Guilty – but full credit to old people for continuing to walk. I suppose it’s partially due to the fact that our parents are dead and we can’t badger them into driving us everywhere.

You think you are better than everyone

Not true…just better than those 82 years of age and younger.

Your a racist BIGGOT!

Thank you for calling me out on my racist attitude toward young people. I’m surprised you didn’t mention my ageism against blacks, my elitism toward women or the sexism I display toward the disabled.

I have no excuse to offer, Aiden. I suppose that like you, I’m just a product of my age.

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84 Comments leave one →
  1. 6:27 pm

    Always glad to read your latest…this one is fabulous! Love the “rutting” comment. Hope Aiden takes heed (but something tells me he’s blinded by hand tool action). Hip-Hip (oops, you have both hips, I hope)- HURRAY! Love your stuff.

    • 6:40 pm

      Many thanks Heidi.

      I have numerous hips. I bought in bulk back in the mid-eighties and it’s turned out to be a very wise investment. I give Aiden full credit for taking the time to collect his thoughts and put together his list. Some of his complaints baffled me a little bit but I do admire the effort.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  2. 6:33 pm

    but the real question is “Can other drivers see you behind the wheel”?

    Stool polishing….i did away with that when i moved out of my parents house and got my own set of stainless steel.

    funny, funny stuff Don!

    • 6:49 pm

      Thank you Jillsy,

      Based on the number of hand gestures that are shot my way I’m assuming they can see me just fine.

      Honestly, I have no idea why all of these damned young people are in such a hurry or why they get so angry when they’re behind the wheel. If you don’t want your Lexus to get a few dents in it, don’t park it next to Buick LeSabre in the parking lot at the Piggly Wiggly at 11 a.m. on a Wednesday. It’s common sense.

      All the best Jillsy. I hope you’re well.

      Don

  3. 6:51 pm

    It was so wonderful how Aiden made your point for you.
    Kudos to you for knowing what spanx are.
    I wonder if Aiden’s complaint about old people’s hands feeling like a leather sofa comes from some uncomfortable personal experience?

    And thanks for posting earlier in the day than usual. Sometimes I can’t stay up as late as nine o’clock for your posts.

    • 7:05 pm

      Thank you bmj2k,

      I admit I was wondering the same thing about his insistence that old men needed Viagra. After some consideration, I decided it was probably best not ask. As he points out, my morals are out of touch with society.

      My pleasure on the posts. I had to laugh when I read your comment because that’s exactly the reason I moved things up. I consider 9:30 to be a late night.

      All the best,

      Don

  4. 7:11 pm

    Soon I’ll be 55. I’ll be very happy to have a tenth the sense of humor you’ve kept as you approach your un-dotage. This post made me laugh way too much for Sunday afternoon. Now I’ve disturbed my wife, who’s doing the crossword puzzle. Do you know a fermented drink made from ground corn, second letter ‘i’? Usually I just Google these things when she asks …

    I’m still paying in to the system, and fear by the time I’m on the collecting end, they’ll have spent all the money on bombs, tanks, and fighter jets. So I’ll be on the lookout for those flashy survival items I’ll need for decade 7, the leather cardigan, low-riser walker, and the orthopaedic switchblade. You’ll be over 100 by then Don, and I’ll be looking for ya, to cause some trouble. So you have a 15 year head start. :)

    • 7:53 pm

      Thanks for the heads up and the head start, David.

      I appreciate the 15-years notice. That will give me plenty of time to stock up on bottled water, corned beef and ammunition.

      I suspect, however, that by the time I reach 100 you newly minted 70-somethings will be the least of my concern. There’ll be a whole new generation of nonagenarian hellcats to contend with by then and trust me when I tell you, those lads don’t fool around (at least not after 7 p.m.)

      All the best David and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

      p.s. sorry I can’t help you with your fermented corn-based drink. I’m terrible with crosswords and even worse with google.

  5. 7:34 pm

    Oh Don another gem.
    Prolific til the end.

    Poor Aiden he never stood a chance.
    Have a looksy at my post if you have a chance on how aging has changed this old woman.
    Thanks,
    gmom
    http://gmomj.wordpress.com/2011/02/20/bullies-how-did-i-get-this-mean/

    • 7:54 pm

      Many thanks gmomj,

      I’ll be sure to pop over for a look in a few minutes. Thanks kindly for visiting and all the best,

      Don

  6. 7:46 pm

    Brilliant response, Don!

    Next time you’re considering quitting your blog, just remember how much you annoy ass-clowns like Aiden.

    Makes it all worthwhile, doesn’t it?

    • 7:56 pm

      Thank you Friar,

      You’re right – I really do enjoy hearing from the young folks. They never fail to bring a smile to my face.

      Hope you’re well. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

  7. 8:46 pm

    Lol loved the post..especially the last comment ” Product of our age” bit…

  8. 9:20 pm

    Your comebacks were spot on. I loved them all, especially the wattle, teeth, and posture comebacks.

    • 4:45 pm

      Thank you Tricia,

      I’m very proud of my teeth, wattle and dodgy posture. As you can imagine, I cut quite a dashing figure.

      All the best,

      Don

  9. Aurelius permalink
    9:24 pm

    Don,
    You’re latest post is a well thought out thing of beauty. I don’t think Aiden realized the eight- plus decades of wit and wisdom he was up against.

    Kind regards,

    Aurelius

    • 4:55 pm

      Thank you kindly Aurelius,

      I don’t expect Aiden was anticipating a reply; just venting some spleen and pushing back a little bit. I can’t say I blame him. After all, I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 years taking as many swipes at damned young people as possible. I’d be disappointed if a few didn’t take me to task now and again.

      Still, I’ve sent him a note advising that the answers are posted and that he’s free to rebut if he’s interested. I hope he does – I’m always curious to hear what’s on the minds of young people today.

      All the best Aurelius,

      Don

  10. 10:02 pm

    I knew you were cheap Don but c’mon…bury the dead wife already and quit having sex with her.

    • 5:35 pm

      Thank you Bearman,

      Cheap? I’m not sure what you might be basing that opinion on. As I mentioned in the post, I’m not above to slipping a crisp $5 bill into the birthday card of some ungrateful and largely undeserving distant relative.

      Granted, that’s the high end of my gift giving (and it does come with numerous strings attached) but I think most would agree that it’s a generous gesture and likely 5 times what they actually need or deserve. It’s not like anyone is showering me with fancy new cardigans or designer sock-wear.

      It strikes me that part of the reason this country is in such desperate straights is that people aren’t cheap enough. In fact, they spend like drunken sailors. It’s bad enough that people spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need but what really galls me is the fact that 6 months after the purchase they decide their toy isn’t worth squat anymore, toss it in the trash and buy the newer model.

      So, yes, I suppose I’m a touch on the frugal side but in my view that’s a virtue – not a vice.

      I’ll pass your regards on to the Missus.

      All the best Bearman.

      Don

  11. Lisa permalink
    10:08 pm

    I’m impressed that you took the time to respond to all of these, especially the ones with really terrible spelling and grammar. By sweet German granny (pushing 87 still tough as nails) would have just beaten him with her walking cane.

    • 5:47 pm

      Thank you kindly Lisa,

      Actually, based on what I’ve read over the past two years I’d consider young Aiden’s spelling and grammar a step above the norm. I’ve seen some frightening things.

      Your Granny sounds like my kind of woman. Pass on my best regards and tell her to give them a whack for me.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  12. 10:28 pm

    I hate to be nit-picky with Aiden, but he should learn the difference between “Your” and “You’re.” They teach this on the first day of the Grammar Police Academy.

    • 5:48 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      I agree that he’d benefit from some additional instruction but need to be careful about casting stones in this direction. While I understand the difference, I have a habit of getting a tad sloppy in that area myself.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 2:16 am

        My apologies, Mr. Mills. It was just that I was reminiscing about my days at the Grammar Police Academy just before I read your blog entry.

  13. 10:45 pm

    I’m rather ashamed to be 19 right now. I really hope older people don’t think of me the way I think of this Aiden character. I hope he comes back and reads this so he can learn a thing or two. He is obviously in need of some help.

    • 9:17 pm

      Thank you munchkn,

      I hope he returns as well. I’d be curious to see if he had any lingering questions.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  14. Dr Tim permalink
    11:11 pm

    Dear Don

    Remington manufacture a handy little, battery operated, device that addresses the ear and nostril issue. I can recommend it.

    Best Regards

    Dr Tim

    • 9:18 pm

      Thank you very much Dr. Tim,

      I’ll likely stick with the garden shears for the time being (it’s no trivial job) but I appreciate the recommendation.

      All the best,

      Don

  15. Pamela permalink
    4:19 am

    “I enjoy my roomy skin. Even when I’m naked it feels like I’m wearing an oversized pantsuit.” Hahaha! I always enjoy your blogs! Thank you so much! :-)

    • 9:21 pm

      Thank you Pamela,

      I originally considered describing it as a “spacious cat-suit” or “roomy overcoat” but felt the pantsuit reference was the nearest to the truth.

      Many thanks for the comment and for stopping in.

      Best,

      Don

  16. 4:27 am

    Fabulous post, as always. Aiden is fortunate to partake in such respectful and civilized banter.
    I’m a bit confused now though, as I used to consider myself a hearty young person in her 20′s until I realized that I can neither see well, nor say that my morals fit in with today’s society (as well as being quite small). Perhaps I belong in the miscellaneous category with the other androgynous jethrosexuals? My hairstyle is quite short after all…

    • 1:29 pm

      Many thanks chibichunsa,

      Sorry if my responses to young Aiden caused any confusion. It sounds as though you may be maturing at an extremely rapid rate. I’d suggest you look back to my previous post and consider testing yourself. There’s a strong likelihood that you may actually no longer be a damned young person at all.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in,

      Don

  17. 8:16 am

    At nearly 56, exactly what do I qualify as? LOL Very funny and I pity poor Aiden – I trust he is not the Aiden from “Sex and the City”. Or was it “Sex in the City”? I can’t recall.

    Loved the one about not being able to badger our parents to drive us everywhere. I thought I’d passed my taxi years, but I’m about to start again – with about 10 years ahead of me, I’m guessing.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      2:33 pm

      What do you qualify as? Cougar and MILF come to mind :)

      • 3:30 pm

        Now if only you had a link under your name……… scared?

        • Sedate Me permalink
          8:17 pm

          Scared???

          That’s the kind of luring I would expect from a cougar on the prowl.

          • 9:05 pm

            Sorry – this one’s taken. You’ll have to try to be a piece of prey somewhere else!

            • Sedate Me permalink
              6:01 pm

              Yeah, I’ve fallen for that clever “I’m taken” line once before. It lulled me into a false sense of security. Months later, I awoke one morning in a daze to find myself tied up in her basement dungeon with a ball gag in my mouth and having things done to me sexually that, out of respect for Mr Mills, I will not mention.

              “Taken” or not, I’ll be quietly keeping watch on you out of the corner of my eye.

    • 1:37 pm

      Thank you Team Oyeniyi,

      I don’t know much about young Aiden’s background other assuming that he is from overseas and doesn’t care for old people.

      I’m afraid I’ve never seen “Sex in the City,” “Sex and the City” or, for that matter, any other program that contained the word “Sex” in its title. The most risqué program I ever tuned in to was “Love American Style” and that was onlybecause I assumed it was going to be a fiercely patriotic examination of American culture and values. I was wrong, of course.

      Sorry to hear you’ll be taking up driving young people hither and yon again. I still maintain they’d all be better off walking.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  18. Powerful Entity permalink
    10:59 am

    Improving inter-generational communication?

    I’m sorry to inform you, Mr.Miller, but that is impossible, unless you master teen-speak, which comprises shortening words irreverently and replacing letters with numbers. I’m sure you must have noticed that anything that is longer than 140 characters is considered a ‘long read’, and the damned young ones have the attention span of a spastic baby on a sugar rush. Moreover, if you do not intersperse your comments with a ‘LOL’ or a smiley face, you will be considered rude and all your attempts at reasoning them out of that notion will be met with incoherence, hostility and a torrent of invectives that would make the devil himself fluster with embarrassment and indignation.
    As long as televisions, videogames and social networking sites exist, the youth of this world cannot be redeemed. It is bound to fester into a stinking mass of abomination.

    • 3:03 pm

      Thank you Powerful Entity

      I appreciate the tips on cross-generational discourse and will certainly give it some consideration. While I find the notion of attempting to write using only numbers, winky grins and lazy abbreviations distasteful, you’re probably right that it may be the only way to get the message across.

      Perhaps the time has come for me to work on a senior to young person dictionary (e.g., “Those tea biscuits were quite delicious. In fact, they were so good I gobbled down 3 of them before I even touched my tea.” = I 8 3 Lol.)

      I’ll have to give this some serious thought. It could be a very valuable public service.

      Thanks for visiting, Powerful Entity, and for the suggestion.

      All the best,

      Don

  19. 12:59 pm

    Hi Don, Seems a long time since your last epistle so this one was very welcome and it was a joy when it popped up on my screen.
    Well Aiden’s commentary did at least give you something to write about, so something worthwhile came out of it.
    Seems to me that Aiden should look into the future maybe another 50-60 years and he will find himself with all the same attributes that he has criticized in us us oldens.Which are not all true either….
    Nobody can avoid ‘old age ‘except if unfortunately you die earlier than you should for some reason. The normal way of things is to progress to a mature age, where maybe wisdom and common sense can be found through the experience of actually having lived a life.
    I find it irritating that one so young can make such criticism of those things which sooner or later will come to him. Unless of course he is Peter Pan!

    • 3:09 pm

      Thank you Patricia,

      I admit that I did enjoy responding to Aiden’s concerns and appreciated him providing me with fodder for a full article.

      I don’t think looking into the future is a quality that many young people are able to employ these days. It seems to be increasingly difficult for them to look further ahead then the anticipated release date of the next version of Ipad. It’s a shame.

      Best regards, Patricia, and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  20. Sedate Me permalink
    2:38 pm

    Your expectations after your death are too high

    True. Just the other day my dead wife demanded we renovate the kitchen, take a trip to Europe and have sex more often.

    Yes, even death can’t stop women from making constant, unreasonable, demands on their men.

    • 3:12 pm

      Thank you Sedate Me.

      Or from scaring the Hell out of them either. Even though my wife passed a good long time ago I still get nervous when I do or say something that might have upset her. They have strange and unusual powers.

      All the best,

      Don

  21. 3:00 pm

    Hello Mr. Mills,

    I saw Aiden’s original note a while back and became a little more than excited at the thought of your reply.

    Thanks again for yet one more great blog!

    Joyce,
    ADIGI Books.

    • 3:19 pm

      Many thanks Joyce,

      I appreciate the kind words. I’m only sorry it took me 6 months to get around to all of his questions. That kind of laziness and procrastination is something I more generally associate with the young.

      Thanks again and all the best,

      Don

  22. 11:07 pm

    Dear Don,

    Re: Senior driving habits

    I’ve always liked this chestnut:

    When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa…
    Not swearing and screaming like the other people in his car.

    Regards,
    Peg

    • 4:13 pm

      Many thanks Peg,

      Always been one of my favorites as well. Gives a man something to aspire to.

      All the best,

      Don

  23. 2:02 am

    Mr. Mills-

    I love you. If only I were fifty years older…

    That is all.

    • 4:20 pm

      Thank you Zany Housewife.

      You’re very kind. My wife, Aggie, would be laughing though. She always maintained that I wasn’t the easiest man to live with. “Good from far but far from good” was how she liked to describe me.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  24. MyRobbie permalink
    2:05 am

    Hello, Sir. (I read the commenting rules and wholeheartedly agree with this one. You know what’s the gd worst? When the man behind the counter at Friendly’s reads my credit card and calls me by my first name. What’s that about? Is he angry that he has to wear a name tag and he’s somehow taking it out on me? Drives me insane.)

    I love your responses to Aiden and am looking forward to delving into the archives here. A fantastic way to waste, er, spend some free time. So, thanks for that. My favorite response included the sentence “the closest you’ll come to academic achievement is passing a paternity test.” Very well done, indeed, Sir.

    • 5:13 pm

      Thank you MyRobbie,

      I appreciate you taking the time to review the comment policy in advance of leaving your note.

      I share your opinion of people reading a credit card and then assuming that this somehow entitles them to refer to you by your first name. Ordering the Fisherman’s catch may be an invitation to indigestion but it most certainly does not entitle you to assume we’re life-long friends. You served me the damned fish – we didn’t go out on the lake, share a rye and catch it together. Just call me “Sir” and keep your paws where I can see them while you’re fingering my Diners Club card.

      Many thanks for visiting. I hope to hear from you again. You seem like a damned fine young man.
      All the best.

      Don

      • MyRobbie permalink
        5:59 pm

        Yea. I was going to add this piece of information, just sort of as an extra neurotic thing of mine, but then thought, well, does it matter? Then it does, because you assumed I was a man and *not* a 38 year old woman with an inappropriate crush on a 23 year old actor. Is he 24 now? I should know that. Anyway, as you can possibly infer by my lack of basic knowledge about him, my inappropriate crush is somewhat abating and I now have an opening in that department. Ahem. I’m thinking of going in the other direction, searching for an older man to crush on. Keeping my eye on you…Sir.

        • 8:47 pm

          My goodness MyRobbie!

          My apologies for the error. It’s like the damned birthday cards all over again. I make this mistake all the time but given your photo and name felt that for once I was on somewhat solid ground.

          Regardless, I’m glad to hear you’re reconsidering this ill-advised crush on a younger man. And while I appreciate your keeping an eye on me (I’ve been known to wander a tad) in my view, you’d be best looking for a decent man in his early forties with a modest income, level head and a tidy savings. You can’t go wrong there.

          Again, my sincere apologies for the confusion.

          All the best.

          Don

          • MyRobbie permalink
            2:19 pm

            Mr. Mills,

            Now I feel guilty for the jethrosexual confusion. Unintended! I have never represented myself to be anything other than the heterosexual female that I am. My whole avatar (sorry for using that word, but unavoidable) came about due to the inappropriate crush. Actually, my husband’s nickname for me is Robbie due to it being part of my name. Sigh. I’m not helping my case at all, am I?

            In any case, I’ve greatly enjoyed reading your archives. I have one bone to pick and that regards daycare. While I am a stay at home mom (again, sorry, but unavoidable), I have seen many many cases where daycare has been successful. Meaning, that the parents did not accede entire control of their children over to the institution, but rather, they themselves provided the affection, guidance and discipline needed to make the upright citizens these children will one day become. I have also seen a few stay at home moms completely wreck their children and create monsters. So while I understand your point, I think it was a bit overly generalized.

            I will be interested to see how this comment appears. I read the comments over on the tattoo griping page (I agree wholeheartedly with you there) and in the end, the reply to the reply to the reply looked like the world’s dullest Dr. Seuss poem – one word on top of the other. Perhaps I am writing the second dullest Dr. Seuss poem. I actually prefer Shel Silverstein. Dull Silverstein it is, then.

            As far as the crush goes, I have a wonderful 37 year old man – very responsible, loving and a great father. But, being a stay at home mom can get, let’s face it, a bit boring and isolating. I’m sure you agree that talking with other mothers about their children, almost exclusively, is one of the most boring way to spend time perhaps in history. Hence the crush. At this moment, I’m thinking George Clooney fits the bill exceedingly well. Wonder what he’s up to nowadays? I shall google.

            Hoping I remain in your good graces, Sir. I like it there.

            MyRobbie

            • 12:28 am

              I’m not sure there’s room here to even squeeze in the odd “damn” so I’ll just say thank you, MyRobbie. Very nice to hear from you again. You’re welcome to stop in anytime you like. Look forward to chatting with you again.

              Best,

              Don

  25. 8:03 am

    being stooped over isn’t necessarily a bad thing. you find all the change everyone else dropped, and if your shoe is untied, you’re already halfway there to retie it.

    • 8:33 pm

      Very true Nonnie.

      And in addition, you’re closer to the ground if you should happen to fall and spared the dangers of low-fly aircraft.

      All the best,

      Don

  26. 10:37 am

    This is one of your best posts yet, Don. Nothing says, “Kindly shut your noise hole” like a point-by-point razing of a young person’s misguided attempt at building self-esteem through the always recommended method of belittling others. That should keep Aiden back in his rightful place, which I would assume to be the spare bedroom of his parents’ house for the next 15-20 years.

    True, his parents may not appreciate how much you set him back developmentally and will continue to secretly wish that they actually had a “spare” bedroom, but the rest of us will have the joy of projecting Aiden’s badly damaged ego onto every “down in the mouth” youngster we run across. (Or over. This snow’s a real bitch to stop on.)

    While I’ve sometimes experienced with old people (no offense, Don) and their tendency to clog express lanes with coupons and price verifications and their surprising ability to bring a vehicle to a dead stop on a freeway merging lane, I’ve never felt irritated enough to do much more than swear ineffectively in front of my children or go into a slow boil that finally releases itself on the unlucky cashier. A point-by-point breakdown seems excessive and well, unseemly.

    It’s not really necessary to discuss their vague command of oversized vehicles and the delicate instrumentation contained therein. And the glass house of relative youth is no place to start hurling around stones made of misremembered names and rose-tinted nostalgia. And no matter how many times it’s pointed out to me that my life is excessively easy and mostly free of wars involving the entire world, I’m always tactful enough to keep my thoughts to myself and think of something else while they ramble on about the dry specifics of Silent Cal’s oratory skills and legislative nuances.

    And then there’s the smell, which mixes the robust minty staleness of Ben-Gay with the dusty fumes of clothing that still contains a healthy blend of polyester or decaying wool. Of course, I’d never address it out of respect for my tiresome host and their overly long tiresome life that I will apparently never tire of hearing, especially the parts that point out how much easier my life is and how quickly I (and nearly 100% of the population) am amounting to nothing.

    Thanks again for the plentiful laughs, Don. As I have always said, “Never trust anyone under the age I am currently.”

    • 8:33 pm

      Many thanks CLT,

      A wonderful comment, as per usual.

      And, as one who routinely stops on the highway in order to read road signs, check my mirrors or just have a wee rest from the rigors of long-distance travel, I appreciate your tact and the sensible repression of your anger.

      If more young people would learn to bite their tongues, mind their business and show more respect the world would be a better place. The way I see it, young people haven’t earned the right to complain until they’ve suffered – and the role of us seniors is to make damned sure that happens. Regularly.

      Again, a fine comment, lad. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      8:44 pm

      Nothing says, “Kindly shut your noise hole” like a point-by-point razing of a young person’s misguided attempt at building self-esteem through the always recommended method of belittling others

      Funny you should mention that, Cap. Been thinking of doing just that. ;)

      Self esteem, especially among young people, is plague that needs to be rubbed out by any means necessary. There’s nothing worse than dealing with some asshole who’s been treated like a “precious snowflake” his whole life. People who spent their youth scared shitless and had all their hopes, dreams and desires crushed at an early age are much more agreeable.

      If everyone grew up feeling worthless and undeserving, you wouldn’t see completely worthless robber barons getting trillion dollar bailouts when they don’t even deserve to live, never mind get paid.

  27. PolishSpring permalink
    11:35 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    One mustn’t encourage by acknowledging the younguns spewing their half baked minds about, Mr. Mills.
    This only enforces their misled thinking that their (so called) opinions carry any weight.

    As to the inebriated lunatic Aidan chap, he surely was fishing for the negative attention his poor exhausted parents simply could not have offered him at the time, as they were working their hands into leather-like condition, losing teeth, hair, posture, size, hearing and sight while supporting overly straine due to the accident prone youth’s misgivings nhs..
    Mayhap they have surrendered to depression over their sudden reality for their own golden years vs the expectations their lovely Aidan has shattered?
    I’d wager poor Aidan’s sire resorts to using strong cheeses and cat piss in lieu of more pricey smelling salts or refreshing Viagra that Aiden surely sold for illicit drugs and skin tightening spanx treatments.
    Luckily for Aiden, his parents’ morals don’t fit with society under 83, and they know that they’re better than everyone, otherwise Aiden would be inflicted yet another pink birthday card with a froufrou bow and a bigoted comment on how he really ought to get a paying job and move the Hell out.

    Mr. Mills, with your established position as a former government official and faithful following of ladies at the Senior Centre, you could, with one constitutional ammendment, take away all the right to whining from Aiden.
    In this I see a sea of respectful citizens fully supporting Don Mills 2012 Presidential campaign.

    Kindly,
    Polish Spring

    • 2:06 am

      Many thanks Polish Spring for the delightful comment and the intriguing speculation regarding young Aiden’s family life. I enjoyed that a great deal.

      I have to say, as well, that the notion of taking away his rights with a single stroke of a pen is damned appealing (almost as appealing as the notion of travelling back in time to give a firm tongue lashing to whoever decided to bestow them on his in the first place) but I remain adamant in my distaste for politicians and political office.

      Thank you again for the extremely entertaining comment.

      All the best,

      Don

  28. LoonyintheBoonies permalink
    3:23 am

    Just some general praise heaped on in an unashamedly obsequious fashion – you represent all that is good and funny and strangely lovable in the universe. Thank goodness you’re back. Stay well, good sir, but please go easy on the ‘Eau de Limburger’.

    • 2:08 am

      Thank you LoonyintheBoonies.

      I appreciate the kind words. Many thanks for visiting.

      Best regards,

      Don

      p.s. I’ll do my damnedest to ease up on the cheese. I realize it’s not to everyone’s taste.

  29. amela permalink
    1:28 pm

    hi don, another funny one heheheee
    keep them coming :)

  30. Spook permalink
    8:21 am

    That. Idiot. Has. Such. Awful. Grammar.
    Seriously, if he’s going to start ranting so pathetically, he could at least know the difference between “your” and “you’re”! I’m fifteen and I know that!

    Who is this bozo?

    • 12:30 am

      Many thanks Spook,

      Don’t be too hard on the lad. He may be misguided and have a few challenges to overcome but at least he comes out swinging. And I like a young person with some fight in them.

      Many thanks for visiting, Spook, and all the best.

      Don

  31. 6:42 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    Is it possible for a young person to be an honorary old person? My husband and I are between 29 and 32, but we frequently complain about the following:

    1. People who can’t use apostrophes, semi-colons, or differentiate between its/it’s, your/you’re, and there/their/they’re.

    2. Twilight (which also covers number 1 again).

    3. Commercials these days that promote young people being immoral and stupid. Which they are, but it shouldn’t be encouraged by the media.

    4. The fact that “ask” appears to have become a noun.

    5. Parents who ask toddlers their opinion (“Do you want to wear your mittens? No? Okay, but your 18 month old fingers may freeze off…”).

    6. People on Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader who think that Oliver Twist and A Christmas Carol were written by Mark Twain.

    7. People on Are You Smarter Than @ 5th Grader who think that A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court was written by Charles Dickens.

    8. People who don’t know where France is.

    9. People who talk on their cell phones while cutting us off and then driving through a red light.

    10. People who use letters and numbers to represent words.

    • 9:07 pm

      Re Number 8 – can we ad in people who do not know the difference between Austria (in Europe) and Australia (a continent).

      Re Number 9 – Isn’t that illegal where you are?

      Re Number 10 – C u l8tr

      • 9:08 pm

        ad = add, of course

        • 7:07 pm

          Yes, also sad! That reminds me of this time on a game show when someone guessed “Austria” when asked what country Lisbon was the capital of…

          And re: number 9 – YES, it is! We also saw a driving instructor reading a newspaper at a red light while in the driver’s seat. Pretty sure that’s also not legal.

    • 12:38 am

      Thank you IfByYes,

      I think some sort of exemption might be able to be arranged (partially based on the content of your comment and partially based on the fact that we seniors love lists).

      I complain about a good number of the items on your list but always find number 5 to be the most annoying. I hear it all the damned time. My old mom raised 4 children without ever asking us a question. She just told us what to do and wasn’t interested in our views or opinions on the matter at hand.

      Many thanks for the excellent comment. Your senior decoder ring and official play book are in the mail.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 7:05 pm

        I am honoured, sir (is Canadian spelling acceptable?).

        • Sedate Me permalink
          7:14 pm

          It’s all I use and it’s what I encourage every Canuck to use exclusively.

        • Anon permalink
          3:15 am

          I think you mean Oxford spelling.

  32. 3:14 am

    HA Ha Ha HA HA ha ha!!!!
    *snicker* *chuckle* [GUFFAW]
    When I’m 82 and a half, I have a rocking chair, shotgun and a humongous scope.

  33. 8:06 pm

    As always, thanks for the huge laugh…even though I’m a day late and a dollar short.

  34. 4:03 am

    Being a young person myself (I’ll turn 45 this month), I suppose I should be offended–but I’m laughing my ass off!

    I especially like what you say about the androgynous names–boys are given girl’s names these days, but more often girls are given boy’s names! What’s wrong with today’s parents? They obviously don’t consider the consequences that can result–bullying most of all! Oh, I forgot–what’s wrong with today’s parents is that they’re children themselves!

  35. obsidianfactory permalink
    7:40 pm

    I really don’t think Aiden should be bashed so much but yes his comments were rude but as rude as some might take Don’s own comments towards the young people :P

    I do not completely agree that all young people are “damned” lol but I do admit that some people I meet (speaking of young people of course) are so silly and superficial that it is a bore to talk to them.

    They squeal over things that make no sense and rather keep their impoverished states of mind then get an education. Sure, it’s not all young people — some were raised wrong by their parents (no matter their professions) or daycare — others are just regrettably like that.

    As for androgynous personality — that’s not the real problem as I have an androgynous personality too and I think most people do but the real problem is the lack of intelligence some people have, both old and young.

    I do think a strong personality is needed to survive the world and not one composed of frivolities.

    I actually agree a lot of what you say Don — it’s good humour that many a times point out the truth. Take it from a young person who might come from your young-person minority.

    Good Writing ^_^

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