In Praise of Young People
I’ve taken some knocks for my entirely accurate portrayal of today’s young people as little more than tattoo-clad, gormless malcontents.
After some consideration and in the interest of balance, I have compiled a short list of positives about damned young people today.
If nothing else, I’m fair.
They may not be able to find North America on a world map but lock a young person in a bathroom with some Tylenol, grape jelly, household cleaner and a ball-point pen and nine times out of ten they’ll be able to fashion some sort of lethal narcotic and a workable pipe to smoke it in.
They Reopen the Debate on Evolution
Yesterday I watched a young person spend 25 minutes puzzling over how to peel a banana. While it was troubling to observe, it clearly calls into question the concepts of evolution and natural selection. As a deeply spiritual man, I take that as a positive.
They Have a Halfway Decent Understanding of Economics
Unfortunately, the “half” is limited to the concept of demand. Supply seems to have slipped their notice entirely.
They Tend to Stay Indoors
The fact that young people spend their formative years plonked down front of an X-box in nothing but their Y-fronts may have long-term physical and mental health ramifications (and provide for a disturbing visual) but we senior’s appreciate having free-run of the libraries, museums and parks. It’s nice to feed the damned pigeons without gaggles of young people running about getting fresh air and exercise.
I have to admit it takes a certain amount of moxie to demand that people take you seriously when you’re parading around with dinner plates in your ears and chains dangling from your nostrils while sporting a plume of underpants and a t-shirt that reads “Where the Bitches At?”
They Know Their Rights
Smack one damned young person over the head with your cane and you’ll soon discover that while they’re oblivious to notions of decency, civility, common sense and morality – they’re fully aware of the laws that protect them and the civil litigation options available to them.
They Like to Share
When I was a lad I tended to keep my thoughts to myself – not because I was selfish but because I assumed no one was interested in things like a description of the exact shade of my morning urine. Young people today, however, are more than happy to share all manner of fascinating personal tidbits online at the drop of a hat. And, if you’re lucky, they may even post pictures.
They’re Fierce Individualists
Ask any one of them. They’ll all tell you the same thing.
In my day young people fled the family home at the age of 17, rolled the dice and took their chances in the great wide world. Young people today, however, tend to hedge their bets, hoard their cookies and stay firmly affixed to the familial teat until they’ve cashing an inheritance check and ready to safely strike out on their own.
They Have a Wonderful Sense of Humor
Provided of course that the joke is not at their expense. If it is…they seem to get rather tetchy.
I trust this makes amends to any damned young person that I may have offended in the past and clearly demonstrates that my views on youth are objective, balanced and based entirely in fact.