It’s All in the Damned Family
The problem with the world today is that the traditional family has gone the way of the Antillean Cave Rat, the Louisiana Vole and the Thicktail Chub.
In my day a family was comprised of a dad, a mom and enough children to clean the horse stalls and pull a two-furrow plow. Throw in some drunken uncles, unmarried aunts and surly grandparents and you had yourself a respectable assortment of authoritarians, outcasts and half-wits that you called kin.
We had nuclear families – tightly packed groups of people that were volatile, highly charged and prone to violent explosion.
Nowadays, though, the whole notion of family has been shot to hell. All you see are single parents, blended families and children with six different last names hyphenated together in some sorry attempt to create a patchwork of familial identity. Well I’ve got news for you, fifteen loosely-related people living together on alternate weekends isn’t a family – it’s a god damned commune. And trust me; patchouli oil, granola and free-love do not a family make.
In my day people got married, had kids and stayed together until someone had the decency to die. You only got one kick at the spousal can and if you made a poor choice you took your lumps, hung up your libido, retired to the garage and started collecting tin soldiers and sports memorabilia.
It seems nowadays though that even those few couples that stay together make a damned mess out of things. As soon as the woman drops her sprog she shunts it off to a daycare and heads off to work so that they can be a “two-income family” with a state-raised child. It’s disgraceful. If my missus needed extra pin money she hit me up for a raise to her allowance or hosted a Tupperware party, she didn’t institutionalize our offspring and start perusing the help wanted pages of the local paper.
It’s no wonder our damned young people all end up in prisons – eating, sleeping and getting changed in the same room as 600 of their peers is the closest thing to normality they’ve ever experienced. We may as well just assign numbers to their diapers and start having the little buggers hammer out licence plates.
It’s time for Americans to stop flitting between bed-mates, farming out our kids and abandoning our responsibilities and get back to traditional family life – for better or god damned worse.
The Problem with Young People Today Is... 
Bravo Don!
Many thanks Aurelius.
Appreciate you taking the time to stop in.
Best regards,
Don
amen to that. We are all going to hell in a hand basket.
Too true Tricia,
I actually have a list (I maintain over 40 active lists) of signs of the coming apocalypse. Based on the current signs (capri pants for men, tension in the middle east, Steve Tyler on American Idol and floods in Australia) I calculate that we should all be meeting our maker by Arbor Day.
All the best,
Don
I totally agree with you. I got a huge laugh out of your describing your kin, and what someone would do if they picked the wrong spouse. HILARIOUS!
Thank you kindly Heidi.
Always nice to hear from you.
Don
How HAVE we come to this? It wasn’t that many years ago that I read The Scarlet Letter in school, and it was generally accepted that one stayed together for the sake of the children. But this current generation appears to be influenced by the film version of Hawthorne’s classic, in which the adulterous lovers live happily ever after, the tale of their illicit love narrated by their out of wedlock child.
I blame Hollywood.
Best,
FF
Thank you Fantastic Forest,
I honestly have no idea what might be influencing the damned young people today but I suspect Hollywood, video games and blue food dye are all involved to one degree or another.
I don’t think I ever read the Scarlet Letter. I’ll have to see if it’s available in the large print section down at the local library.
All the best,
Don
Sad but so very true!
Very nice to hear from you Tricia. I hope you’re well.
All the best,
Don
Hi Don!
Kudos for an excellent post! In my lowly opinion, we have not had a decent damn role model family on television since Lucy and Desi with their twins beds and goofy neighbors, Fred and Ethel. I sure miss the babaloos. Well…except for the greatest head of the family ever….Archie Bunker. Now, that fella knew how to run a family unit. He kept his family together even after that Meathead married his little girl, Gloria. He got so much respect that Aretha Franklin sang a song about it! Now, families on TV land are represented by two gay guys raising an adopted daughter, Al Bundy married to a sexy, much younger Columbian chick with a cutsey chubo son, and a man who has a wing-wang that shrinks up to the size of a pea every time his wife barks at him.
I say bring back Pa Ingalls and his brood!!!! Whatever happen to Father Knows Best? Now, those were some real damn fine American families!!!!!!
Your #1 fan (and secret stalker)
TPB aka PFP
Many thanks TPB,
I’ve as maintained that television, as with life, is best in black and white.
All the best.
Don
Excellent point with Ricky & Lucy. Even though they were married on the show and in real life, they weren’t allowed to share a bed, even if it just sat there unused. Nor were they allowed to say the word “pregnant”, even when Lucy’s pregnancy was the theme for practically an entire season.
If I recall, unmarried male and female characters weren’t even allowed to touch a bed at the same time until sometime in the 1980’s, which made the TV version of Animal House (Delta House) all the more improbable for TV than it already was. (What genius thought they could show Animal House in an 8PM time slot on network TV and not offend/disappoint everyone watching?)
As for Archie Bunker, his famous “terrrlet” flushing was actually against the rules and caused a hell of a media stir. But they got away with it because it was only a sound effect when the rule only covered video.
Ain’t censorship hilarious?
I had considered prison as a way to get out some of my responsibilities, until I saw Prison Break on TV and realized that I’d probably be the small guy running around holding the pocket of some thug.
I’ll just ride out this life I have now.
I missed your return…you come back from Retirement like Brett Farve.
Many thanks Mr. Buckle,
Glad to hear you’re prepared to ride out your life. That’s the damned spirit I’m taking about and the type of attitude that is sorely missing today. Sure, we’ve all thought about joining the French Foreign Legion, faking our own deaths or going to prison as a way to escape our damned families but a real man sticks with it – no matter how painful it might be.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
p.s. As my primary source of electrical know-how, I’m hoping I can impose on you for another favor. I got my knob and tube sorted out but how the hell do you change one of those fancy halogen pot light bulbs?
“Pot lightbulbs?” What the hell are they letting you guys grow in there. The power bills have to be insane.
I have a solution, Don! Government sponsored birth control kiosks. The kiosks would be directly proportional to the number of liquor stores in a neighborhood. Those without education/resources would be monetarily incentivized to utilize the services (funded by a dwindling prison population, Medicaid rolls, and failing schools). Parenting classes would be mandated. I’m usually for small government, but I would totally be on board for this kind of government ‘intrusion.’ You’ve stated the problem Don, and I have offered a solution. Nice teamwork if I say so myself.
Excellent teamwork indeed, Elizabeth.
Very sound ideas. I’d suggest, however, that perhaps parenting workshops be only one component of a new “Department of Reproductive Vetting (DRV).” I’m thinking that fees, learner’s permits, waiting periods and assorted cognitive tests all might all have a roll to play in the application process.
All the best.
Don
Right on, sir!
I think everyone should have their tubes tied at birth and can’t get them untied until getting a licence from the Department of Reproductive Vetting.
An interesting notion Sedate Me.
Makes me think that perhaps we could begin to refer to marriage as a process of “untying the knot.”
All the best, lad.
Don
Don, the word “family” really gets thrown ar0und- The Partridge Family was bad enough- single mom, five kids, and a “manager” who seemed to spend more time around the house than you’d expect someone with a purely professional interest. Then there was the Manson Family of murderers, the Heenan Family of pro-wrestling thugs, and now we have the idea of “cyber families” who only interact in some alternate reality computer games. How can we have a traditional family when no one even understands the meaning of the word “family”?
Thank you bmj2k,
I always thought that Kinkaid fellow had an unnatural interest in the Partridges. And he was hardly a decent influence – just look how those youngsters turned out.
You make an excellent point about the understanding of the word “family.” As you point out, it seems to be another word that’s lost its meaning due to reckless overuse.
All the best, bmj2k. Always a pleasure to hear from you.
Don
Hahaha! I LOVE this! I have got to agree though- too many worry about being “happy” and trash their children’s well-being. They realize too late that happiness is an attitude. Happiness is something that must be continually worked on. Put your children first and quit being selfish!
Many thanks Pamela,
Well said. I appreciate the comment and your taking the time to stop by.
All the best,
Don
patchouli oil, granola and free-love
That’s what I am naming my first 3 kids.
Thank you Bearman,
Those choices may actually seem tame compared to some of the asinine monikers parents give to their offspring these days.
Still, I suspect your 3rd child may be in for a rude surprise when he/she first googles the name “Free-Love Bearman.” I haven’t tried it myself but I’m quite sure that the results would be off-putting.
All the best, lad.
Don
That was hilarious! I was definitely bred into daycare, single parent America, but I think kids would benefit from a stay-at -home parent for sure.
Many thanks Lisa.
Nice to hear from you and thanks for the kind words.
All the best,
Don
yeah, let’s go back to the old days. we need families that will turn out upstanding, moral, and responsible people who give back to society. like you and your brother, yor……. ummm, i think i have something on the stove, don.
Thank you Nonnie,
Be mindful of the stove. I’ve burnt my spuds three times this week and had a small grease fire as well. I suppose I should know better than to have a wee nap while my bacon’s frying.
You can’t fault my parent’s for the way York turned out. They did their level best to ignore his deficiencies, hide his differences and beat the non-conformity out of him but sometimes nature just wins out.
Lovely to hear from you Nonnie. I’d best run, I just remembered I left the car running in the driveway.
Best regards,
Don
Well written, Don. We have lost touch with what a family is and how a family works. For example:
Users of Facebook are allowed to identify other users as certain family members (son, daughter, mother, father, aunt, uncle, etc.). I have a number of teenagers as friends on Facebook, and it confounds me when they identify a classmate as their mother or father; and, yes, my oldest did this too, though now she identifies nobody as her relative (I guess I should be glad she’ll even be my friend on Facebook).
Anyway, thanks for writing, Don. Keep ’em coming.
BoDe
Many thanks BoDe,
The way young people fornicate and progress through our educational system I would never rule out the possibility that a grade 9 student might end up sharing a classroom with his own son – but I suppose that’s somewhat beside the point.
I really have no idea what that Facebook trend could be about but then again I’ve been confounded with that forum since the first day my brother York signed me up. Half the time I don’t know what anyone is blathering on about. It’s confusing and noisy as Hell in there.
All the best to you BoDe and thanks again for stopping in.
Don
Although, I’m one to send them off to daycare asap so I can return to work, this still was funny. Insulting just a bit but funny nonetheless.
Thank you raquel.
I appreciate the feedback. Much better than if it had been “funny just a bit but insulting nonetheless.”
All the best,
Don
Don,
Your wife would probably not been able to survive on her “allowance” if she outlived you. I agree with much of what you say about families, dignity and acting in the best interests of the children.
It’s not showing up much in the media, but I know ALOT of people my age 30-something who are very happily married. Many of them had parents who divorced. The tide may be turning.
We need better cultural influences and a better economic system. People are very much like sheep, as you know. They will follow where ever they think everyone else is going — that includes into happy, lasting marriages.
Many thanks theultimateoutcast,
My Aggie was pretty good at managing her allowance and she made damned sure that my insurance would keep her afloat (and I mean that literally – she had already picked out the world cruise she was planning to take if I kicked the damned bucket first).
Glad to hear you know of some folks making their marriages work. Perhaps the tide will turn in time.
Best regards,
Don
Most people, especially the shallow, are like sheep that will do whatever everybody else is doing. They endlessly try to force themselves into somebody else’s mould, no matter how hopeless or what the personal cost is.
These days you can’t go anywhere without somebody pimping marriage or, more accurately, marriage related merchandise. So if “marriage” becomes a new trend, I’m going to buy stock in companies making alcohol and anti-depressants.
Marriage, the all-important first step on the road to divorce.
Yes! Yes! and Yes!
This is fantastic. Funny and actually true Don! I’ve read for a while but just posting my first comment. Keep going, this is probably my favourite thing to read and that includes books and racy magazines! Hi from the UK, and please check out my new Blog The Crying Scotsman at http://www.thecryingscotsman.co.uk
Have just done a satirical music number based on our London Underground. Let the masses know!
Thank you Tom.
I appreciate your leaving a comment. I’ll be sure to stop by your blog for a visit.
All the best,
Don
Hey Don,
I was one of the lucky kids whose mom stayed home and made our lunches, had dinner ready at 5:00 pm sharp, and the home was clean enough to eat off the floor.
I don’t know how she did it…..well, yes I do….we also had a live-in house keeper. But that aside, I had a great childhood, with supportive parents! And, yes, we did have some strange “kin”, but that just made everything more “interesting”.
I couldn’t agree more, we need parents who “stick it out” for the family! Families these days are too complicated and confusing!
Thank you Trisho,
I recognize that not everyone can do it but, to me, that’s best possible way to raise a family. You’re lucky you were afforded that kind of an upbringing.
All the best,
Don
You know each thing you wrtite shows of your stupididdidy even more. Like it’s ether a ant or a rat but it cant be both. maing up insect animals is laem. And nucler isn’t familys it’s bombs. Ever heard of one??? Also you say hell. First you tell us we swer to much then you tell us not to. But you do to. WTF? Make up your mind cocknose. My buddy Kevin is married and has been for almost two year so it’s not likew you say at all. asswipe.
Hello again young Wayne,
Nice to have you back, lad. I realize we’ve only known one another a short time but I’ve come to look forward to the stories of your assorted buddies and your insights on the issue of the day.
In reading your comment I can see that you have a passion for animals (one, I hope, that does not go so far as to violate social norms, common decency and/or applicable state laws) and apologize if my reference to the Antillean Cave Rat caused you distress. I wonder if the confusion may be related to the fact that the word “Antillean” is multisyllabic? (Multisyllabic meaning, of course, that the word is of Arabic origin.)
Regardless, rest assured that the Antillean Cave Rat was actually neither ant not rat but, rather, a small prehistoric rooster that later (coincidentally) evolved into the domestic three-ringed cocknose. I believe you will find assorted wiki entries on this subject and would suggest that any google image search involving the terms “rings”, “cock” and “animals” will substantiate my claim. Please make full use of the power of the internet and report back on your findings.
Always a pleasure, Wayne. Please pass my warm regards on to Kevin and his very fortunate wife.
Warm regards,
Don
ROTL (rolling on travertine laughing).
I get a Thicktail Chub quite often, if you catch my drift.
Great post Don.
I miss the days of Lucy, Burns/Allen…I don’t even watch tv these days, it’s so depressing.
Despite it being tough on us financially, I stay home with our daughter, cook all of our meals and manage our finances. I’ve had friends (or should I say former) that have given me grief for it. As it to say I am setting women back by staying home. And their kids are in daycare being raised by strangers, watching mommy getting married/divorced over and over again. When will it end?
Thank you Zany Housewife,
I don’t see how giving your child a foundation for a decent future sets women back but, then again, I seem to be woefully out of touch with modern thinking.
In my view, it’s a shame more families aren’t prepared (or able, I suppose) to make that kind of a committment.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
Have you finally run out of things to rant about the young people? That’d be a real shame, because without people like you, those young freaks will be unchecked and out of control.
Your picture…you look mighty handsome for an old man. I’m sure you have broken many hearts in your heyday. 😛
Thank you powerful entity,
My wife, Aggie, would have been more inclined to suggest that my looks were likely to break mirrors than hearts but I appreciate the compliment.
I have a few more complaints about young people left in me and you can be assured I’m keeping a close eye on them.
Best regards,
Don
This is a bit delayed, but great to have you back Mr. Mills. 🙂
Many thanks Rico.
Nice to hear from you, son.
All the best,
Don
Mr. Mills,
The further I go into your blog, the feistier it gets!
Good job keeping an unblinking eye on these youngsters and the problems with our modern world.
Looking forward to descending even further into the past via the way of your blog.
With kind regards,
Polish Spring
Thank you kindly, PolishSpring.
I appreciate the note and the kind words.
Best,
Don
Sir, historically speaking, the Nuclear Family (father, mother, children) is a recent perversion of family life. For numerous social and economic reasons, it was destined to fail and leave us all covered in the radioactive fallout we have today.
The “traditional family” home once housed 3 (or more) generations, sometimes with elderly aunts & uncles mixed in. While they may have been stored in the attic with the rest of the old, decaying, stuff, Grandparents were not hauled off like useless garbage as they are today. They played important supporting roles in keeping the household running. In addition to daycare and minor chores, they provided a sense of history, continuity and collective purpose. Not only did Grandparents demonstrate the notion of “everyone pulling their weight for the common good”, they served as a humbling reminder of what the future has in store for you. Having a family without Grandparents is like having the climactic scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey stop before the astronaut turns into an old man.
The entire purpose of the Nuclear Family was to reduce the family collective to the basic minimum; procreate and raise until independent. The Nuclear Family ultimately spawned a more selfish, delusional, world of eternal youth, hyper individualism and unrealistic levels of consumption, growth and debt. Old people became useless burdens to be institutionalized. Parents became slaves to their children, who transformed from a source of cheap labour to demanding little brats who’ll abandon you the first chance they get and long before they paid for themselves.
Look around, the society we have today is the inevitable result of shedding seniors from the family home!
Many thanks, Sedate Me.
I have to second Elizabeth’s comment (which I assume was meant for you). An excellent comment and fine analysis of the issue.
I really have nothing to add other than my sincere thanks. It was a damn fine read.
All the best,
Don
Don,
I just discovered your blog. I love it!
Recently retired and nearing ‘old fart’ status myself, I can relate to your colorful ‘telling- it- like- it- is’ style of writing. Count me in as a regular, albeit new, reader.
I have found several posts and passages in some posts that I would like to “borrow” to use on my own site. (Of course, you will be cited and a link back to your site and post will be supplied.)
I hope this okay with you.
Brilliant and fascinating analysis.
Thank you Hale,
I appreciate your stopping in and leaving a comment. Please feel free to “borrow” whatever you might like. I’ll be sure to stop by your site for a visit soon.
All the best and congratulations on your recent retirement.
All the best,
Don
I’ve just finished reading one of the older posts of yours, the https://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/2009/06/03/god-damned-tubby-young-people-get-stuck-in-my-craw/ , which ties neatly into the whole idea that the world IS indeed going to Hell in a handbasket. And doing it fast, too.
There is a solution.
You see, Mr. Mills, your keen eye towards societal issues of “yoof” combined with an honest appraisal of it, qualifies you as a presidential candidate. And damn better choice than the last two, given the current state of the Union.
Think on it, good sir.
If not you, then who will uphold the moral backbone of this flabby country?
Announce your candidacy for the US of A President. Do it for the seniors, please.
Meanwhile, keep on telling like it is.. with slim hopes that maybe some of those tossers will gain enlightment and repent.
Kind (if slightly obsessed with your website) regards,
Polish Spring
Many thanks PolishSpring,
I appreciate your taking the time to read some of the older entries. I’ve said it before but I’ve had enough of politics, politicians and bureaucrats to last me 5 lifetimes (I spent a good deal of my working career in various forms and levels of government business). I’d be happy just to find someone who’s ideas I could get enthused about.
All the best, PolishSpring. Very nice to hear from you again.
Best regards,
Don
I came from an (sort of) unconvential family, step parent (was good enough for Gerald Ford), all that, really besides that, it was the whole leave it to beaver thing, what kept us together was the fact we still had uncles, unmarried aunts, surly grandparents, one one I only knew over the phone, who was either my great aunt, or great uncle, very raspy voice from chain smoking, and too polite (and found it to funny as well) to correct me if/when I was wrong, god bless his/her soul.
Amen!
Sir, I am new to the blogging world and stumbled across your site. While I cannot say I agree with all of your views, others, such as this one, I fullheartedly agree with.
I made my first blog post earlier before reading this post. It was about the government should sanction no marriage, rather just expiring domestic partnerships. It would leave marriage complete up to the individuals and their theological belief system. After reading your post, I realized my original post could be taken the wrong way.
While I do believe as I originally posted, that marriages are purely religious and thus the government has no grounds to preside over them, I do believe that it is up to the parents, and not the state, to raise a child. That it takes a stable family to provide any hope of a future.
http://totallyhuman.wordpress.com/2011/02/14/it-doesnt-take-a-village/
This is by far, the funniest blog I’ve ever read. I hope you get a book deal out of this!
I don’t think the problem is working moms (because they had them even in your day)
But yeah — this generation (I’m included with this generation though I’m not really that messed up I guess) is not really patient or passionate.
They are oversexualized and do weird things. They lack restraint. Seriously, they don’t even like the ambition of being with their significant other or trying things out before calling it quits. I think people are just too lazy and lethargic.
Internet is great but I will admit that new innovations also inspire procrastination and hinder the learning curve of other things [I may be a tech-approver but I got limitations; I mean why would I drop off books made of paper and pens because of web? Makes no sense to me]
I do think the family as an institution will prevail. Have its ups and downs though yes: people need to learn more healthy habits.
I kind of feel very sad reading this 😥
I’m gonna take very careful of my son and his (future) brothers and sisters.
You make me feel like a pioneer woman, instead of a pioneering woman!
I work from home – which means I drop and pick up the kiddie from school, make home made lunches and snacks and have something warm from the oven ready for when he gets home.
He knows table manners, he’d better damn well say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ (or he knows where the door is) and he’d better call anyone 2 feet taller than him ‘Sir,’ ‘Madam’ or ‘Mr/Mrs’. It works for us, people compliment our child’s manners and respect for elders, he’s healthy and happy (he eats ‘real’ food, nothing from a box!) so none of this ADD crap… and yet so many other mothers look at me and say… “oh, so you don’t work…”
Damn straight I work! I work in my home office, and I keep a household running, fresh, healthy food on the table, my kid in clean, presentable clothing, homework completed, manners taught and I’m veering him from a lifetime of crime that would otherwise be his profession of choice, no doubt.
Who the hell are you to tell me I don’t work?!?!? So from people like me.. THANK YOU for this post. Funny as hell and hits ’em right between the eyes. Nothing better than that in 1000 words or less.
Dear Mr. Mills,
My name is Rosie. I am writing to you because my twin brother, Feralbulb, at 52, seems unable to shake off his teenage years. He speaks and acts like a teenager. He fits perfectly into the mould of all that you have so perfectly described about teenagers and I’m at my wits’ end as to what to do with him and how to change him. You see, we’re both psychics, he reads the cards for celebrities and I concentrate on common mortals. The trouble is that he does so on our blog (www.feralbulblightosterone.wordpress.com) openly and his rude rambling and demeanour on our blog mortifies the …. out of me. I’m a qualified engineer specialising in quantum physics, where neutron, atoms and psychic particles mingle and I’m ashamed that my little brother (he was born 2.53.04 min after me) never made it to 5th grade. I single handledly raised him and I believe I made a reasonably good job educating him, except that I never managed to have him behave beyond your worst nightmare. Would you so kindly be able to offer me some of your best and sought after advice, Mr Mills? I would appreciate it very much.
Rosie
Don,
I believe there is still hope. I too believe that unless there are extenuating circumstances that you get one shot at marriage. I also believe that women should still be free to stay at home and take care of the domestics. Look at me; I am 21, happily married, I have a daughter, I am the sole income of my house and I regularly spend time with my in-laws. My wife and I decided she could stay home and take care of the house if she wanted, and that is what makes her happy. I don’t have the most luxuries but I always come home to a clean house, a hot meal and a smiling spouse/child. Sure my wife and I fight sometimes, but that doesnt just make us give up and want a divorce. We work through it and feel more committed to eachother afterwards. Most of my generation still needs a good beating and a salt tablet to make it better but some of us have figured out what makes a good family.
-James