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New Products from the Old Man at Donco (Pharma Division)

A while back I found my old A.C. Gilbert Chemistry set in the basement and decided to put it to use developing some products which would benefit seniors and damned young people alike.

Mouth Sanitizers

It seems that nowadays hand sanitizers are thrust in front of you at every damned turn.

It strikes me though that while young people are all germophobic pinheads when it comes to the common cold, they aren’t in the least bit concerned about the steady stream of filth spilling out of their yaps.

I say it’s time they stopped fussing over the cooties on their hands and started started disinfecting their damned mouths.

Selective Hearing Aids

Now that Mouth Sanitizers have addressed the oral hygiene problem for damned young people, we can move on to Aural Hygiene for seniors.

Tattoo Cessastion Patches

Personally, I encourage young people to smoke. They’re too damned tall as it is and some growth stunting is long overdue. If they really want to kick some habit, I’d suggest they begin with their insatiable appetite for self-mutilation.

Coming next from Donco Pharma: “pull ups” training pants for teenagers.

Supplies are limited so order today.

27 Comments leave one →
  1. 11:37 pm

    Just to let folks know that I’m on vacation and have only limited access to the internet. So, while I’ve been able to post, I’m unlikely to be able to respond to comments until Friday when I get the Hell out of this god forsaken place.

  2. 11:50 pm

    Don, when did “vacation” and “God forsaken place” become synonymous? I can’t wait till Friday to find out. You must have inadvertently booked a hedonism cruise with special guest star Lady Gaga.

    I love the wit and talent that went into the graphics. I need the tattoo patch for my daughter. Do I get free shipping?

  3. 2:01 am

    //still laughing//

  4. 7:50 am

    don, here’s a marketing idea. have a 2-for-1 special (charge ’em double, but let them think they’re getting something free). along with the tattoo patch, they’ll probably need some spackle for all their piercings. in fact, make even more money and sell the spackle knife separately. put a skull or something flaming on it, and they won’t be able to resist.

  5. 12:00 pm

    The old A.C. Gilbert Chemistry set. Let me tell you how it both brought back memories of exploding making weird stuff, and clearing the domicile in record time. Gives me a warm feeling in the seat of my pants, I’m telling ya.

    I imagine you’ll now be making millions, if not a few extra dollars, and leaving us for far off places filled with Mojitos and fried bananas as you collect your wealth from the sale of these wondrous items, or not. Outstanding!!!

  6. 12:56 pm

    Still smiling. I have added your site to my blog roll so my followers can read and enjoy. SOOO funny.

  7. 1:14 pm

    I thought of another product category — energizing compounds designed to kick lazy asses off the couch

  8. 1:56 pm

    By golly Don, jammer5 is spot on…you’ve hit the mother lode!

  9. 2:31 pm

    haha…love the selective hearing aid. My dad and grandfather used to argue all the time and my grandfather would just sit there smiling as my dad ranted (grandpa had turned down his hearing aid)

    • 7:48 pm

      I’ve got hearing aids Bearman, and they do come in very handy at times!

  10. 3:11 pm

    He’s baaaaaaaaaaaaack.

    I’d like to buy stock in your mouth sanitizer, please.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      3:44 pm

      Me too. I can see these products flying off the shelves.

  11. Karos permalink
    5:08 pm


    Has your family managed to book this “vacation” you speak of at the “Shady Nursing Home”? Do you need to be rescued?
    Say but one word, a code word, and arrangements for speedy extraction shall be made.


  12. 7:26 pm

    Are these products made in China? Do they comply with all Chinese product safety standards?

    The tattoo patch sounds like a gold-mine to me.

  13. 8:59 pm

    I love them all and can’t choose. I guess I don’t have to. I want one of each. The boy I work out with at the gym is finishing off his “sleeve” right now. It’s an expensive, colorful dragon that completely engulfs his arm. He has plenty of other tatoos in other places. He comes to the gym all swollen after getting “work done” and complaining about the pain. It costs him a bundle, and he can barely afford regular life expenses. I really don’t understand.

    Plus, if he ever wants to wear a yellow shift dress, he’ll clash terribly.

  14. 9:01 pm

    A lot of damn young people quit smoking or ceased to start when Marlboro did away with their Marlboro miles. Now, that those shiftless “givemefreestuff” misfits cannot get free jackets or whatever from Marlboro, they’ve become damn turncoats and spend their money on vitamin water and other totally useless crap. We should start a letter writing campaign to Marlboro to re-instate the Miles program so young people will go out and spend their free handouts/allowances on cigs again.

  15. 9:10 pm


    If you’re looking for someone to help fill the orders, I’d be interested. I’ve taken the liberty of forwarding my resume to your email address. As you’ll notice, I’ve filled a variety of boxes with dubious products over the years and I think this new venture of yours might be right up my alley.

    All these years in manufacturing and packaging may have taken a toll on my eyesight, hearing and tensile strength, but I can assure you that I can still middle-manage with the best of them. In fact, hearing and eyesight only hinder most middle managers, allowing them to find problems and inefficiencies as well as allowing them to hear and respond to employee concerns. That kind of management scarcely qualifies as “middle” and will often fast-track the unsuspecting manager into the stratified air of “Vice President of Operations – Glove Division,” resulting in their incompetence being throughly exposed.

    Middle management is where all the non-action is and that’s just the way I like it.

    Clifton L. Tanager

    • 11:10 am

      And here’s the resume itself. The introduction of child labor laws caused earlier jobs as a Barbed Wire Assembler/Stress-Tester, Asbestos Remover, Asbestos Installer and Mime to be excised from the CV. Everything left is from age 16 and on:


      1950 – Fordsham’s Grocery
      Bagboy, Bathroom Attendant, Executive Vice President – Carts

      1951 – Monsanto
      Pesticide/Growth Hormone “Canary”

      1952-58 US Army
      Bullet Catcher, Sous Chef, Dental Technician, Chief Contractor – VD, Captain – Visiting Team, Unit Photographer, Unit Inspector – Small Package Division, Unit Handler (Temporary position – led to dishonorable [and somewhat unexpected] discharge.)

      1959 JJ’s Wallopalooza and Funforall Kidstravaganza (ABC)
      Puppet Wrangler, Gin Wrangler, JJ Wrangler, AA Sponsor, Co-Defendant

      1960-1963 Union Carbide Presents Our World, Ourselves (PBS)
      Co-writer – Lobbyists: Your Voice in Washington; How to Win Friends and Have Meddling Journalists Killed; Birdwatching for Beginners

      1964-1972 Union Carbide
      Project Manager – Unpopular Products Division, Closet Drinker – Secluded Corner Office Division, Coat Attendant, Social Media Consultant

      1973-1981 Templeton Box & Glove, LLC
      Mail Room Clerk, Mail Room Asst. Manager, Mail Room Supervisor, Co-Defendant – Nascent Sexual Harassment Policies Division, Defenstrator – 4th Floor and Above, VP – Boring New Products and Factory Seconds Division

      (Note: For distinguished service, awarded inaugural “500 Feet and Beyond Restraining Order.”)

      1982-1989 Templeton Boxing Gloves, Inc.
      (Note: Employed under the name “Clancy L. Taproot, III”)

      Human Resources Administrator, Co-Defendant – Established Sexual Harassment Policies Division, DJ, Adjunct to Personal Injury Settlements, Adjunct to Personal Injury Settlements (Employees), “How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?” Guy

      1990-1996 Weapons-Grade Plutonium Wholesalers, a Division of Mattel, Inc.
      Test Dummy, VP – Test Dummy Division/Lateral Promotions Division, Staff Barber, Co-Defendant, Liason to New Products Division/Lil’ Despots Playset Development Team, Irradiation “Canary”, Human Flashlight, VP – Returns/ Recalls, Scapegoat

      1997-present Work-from-Home Mail-Order Scam

  16. Dr Tim permalink
    4:16 pm

    Put me down for one of the hearing aids please Don: that should block out most of the background noise I pretend not to hear.

    Hope you are wearing a hat, strong sunlight can do nasty things to the scalp, you know.

    Best Regards

  17. 3:05 pm

    I hope Donco is planning a selective visual aid to go with the selective hearing aid. More Matlock and Wheel of Fortune, less Jersey Shore and other shows that have a small budget for clothing.

  18. 5:47 pm


    I`m sorry I didn`t stop by sooner, I`m in a small village in Huehuetenango, and they only just got internet access this week. You should see tribe leader Malinalxochitl Xócoyotlalìn, I can`t get him off Farmville to save my life!

    These product ideas are brilliant, Don. I just hope you don`t decide to sell them overseas. Because of the language barrier, I know for a fact that most of the kids in Central America will assume that “getting their fuck off” is a good thing.

    It`s great to have you back, Don. Thanks to you, I look forward to the day when I can let the Matlock in.

  19. Wayne permalink
    7:53 am

    Yuo relly don’t know anything man. Sanitizers dont wash your mouth they wash hands. I dont know where you found these facts and pictures but its totlly obvious they’er fakes. You should wake up my buddy Steve installs sanitizers in toilets all over the place. Including the courts of the city we live in. Thnk about that.. Also, you say want want young people too smoke! First you tell them not to then yousay we should do it so then that’s why we smoke.

  20. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    7:10 pm

    I once thought about a tattoo, then thought about it some more, which led to me not getting it. Although perhaps, this tattooing phenomena could be used, for say, ad space, a business venture between my generations poor descion making, and the need for new and innovative marketing.

  21. 6:03 pm

    Just absolutely amazing. You are quite hilarious Mr. Mills. I would love some of your mouth sanitizer to distribute at my school. Well, I hope you have a great day.


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