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I Thought the Nixon Plate was a Hell of a Deal…

A few weeks ago I decided the time had come to get rid of some of the possessions I’ve accumulated over the past several decades.

I contemplated putting up a notice on the bulletin board at the Piggly Wiggly but was concerned that it might set me up for burglary or – even worse – result in hordes of damned young people traipsing through my house and putting their hands all over my knick knacks.

So I decide to give in to modern technology and sell my treasures on that infernal Ebay. Despite the quality of the goods and fair pricing I didn’t get a single bid. Just goes to show you that in addition to lacking common sense, young people have no damned taste either.

Here is a sample of some of the wares I was prepared to part with.

There’s something about eating pork chops off Nixon’s face which is both apt and pleasing. I’m not sure where I acquired this but beyond a slight chip on Nixon’s shoulder it’s in pristine condition and would make a fine compliment to any collection of Presidential dinnerware. (Priced reasonably but I was also prepared to make a straight trade for a Spiro Agnew necktie).

I picked this up back in the mid 60s and was told it was a Civil War artefact which had been used to hang both ferns and Confederates at the Battle of Pea Ridge. In addition to its historical value, it will also hold a 5 pound potted geranium with no problem and is damned pleasing to the eye. I had expected some animated bidding.

Attractive layout, spacious and with only one previous occupant! A decent urn which in a pinch can also be used as an ashtray, flower vase or for chipping golf balls into in your back yard. Truth be told, I was just looking to unload it after an unfortunate dusting accident early last spring resulted in 90% of my former brother-in-law getting lost in my shag carpeting.

Gently used by a little old man who only ever wore them to Church on Sundays. Off the rack irregulars (note: upper contains 3 “extra” teeth) but well suited to anyone with a big mouth and roomy jaw. Not recommended for use on meat, hard candy or extremely stale bread. I was quite surprised that no one snapped these up.

What can I say…waste not, want not. And ask anyone – I make a damned good tuna sandwich.

Other items for sale included: an amber glass panther sculpture, hard candy, confiscated baseballs, half a tube of Ben-Gay, a ball of string, assorted combs, odd socks and 600 multi-colored rubber bands. Looks like I’ll just have to repost them closer to Christmas or wait until Spring and have a good old fashioned yard.

39 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:36 am

    Dear Don,

    This post touched my heart. First, I use to actually live at a place named Pea Ridge. And, all of my neighbors flew Rebel Flags flying right next to the macrame’ plant holders on their front porches. Goodness…this brought back some memories! Next, I actually bought a pair of false teeth at an auction once. I did this for two reasons:
    1. I figured anyone who would sell their false teeth really NEEDED the dough.
    2. It was during one of my intensely creative periods aka “crazy times”. I planned to use them in a sculpture of “everyday things that we take for granted”. And, this is really a true story! I went to every flea market/yard sale/tag sale/auction within 100 miles (even dumpster diving a time or two) purchasing many (many, many, and I do mean..many) unusual and interesting items. Of course, my creative muse left (or I sobered up or something) and my sculpture never came to life. So, now, I have a collection of many “rare and valuable” items. So, instead of becoming a famous Sculptor, I am not an infamous hoarder. Hmmmm….are you interesting in trading some of those grand items for some unusual ones? I will trade you a Jimmy Carter plate for the Nixon one. The plate is in excellent condition except for one small chip on his front tooth. This happened a few years ago while I was scrapping dried egg yolks off of it with a screwdriver.

    Also, that tuna sandwich will never sell until you poke 2 eyes and a mouth in it with a fork and claim that it contains the image of Mother Mary/Mother Theresa/Mother Jones/the Pope/Obama /Buddah/Anna Nicole Smith/Tiger Woods/or Shaq. It would, also, drive up the price if you related how while you were making the sandwich, you saw a ghostly figure coming out of the bread box/refrigerator/tuna can/sink drain/garbarge disposal/your cat’s mouth/light socket. People go completely crazy over that paranormal crap.

    I sure do fancy that fine funeral urn. I think the reason that it did not sell is because you accidentally put a zero in the price. Otherwise, it would have been snapped up lickety-split for $1.73.

    One more eBay tip. Sell everything for 99 cents and then charge several hundred dollars for shipping. As a frequent buyer on eBay, I can assure you that is how most people make there money…..on shipping.

    Fondly yours,
    TPB

    • 1:08 pm

      Many thanks TPB

      An interesting trade offer but unless you have an old can of “Billy Beer” to throw in with the Jimmy Carter plate I’m going to have to decline. The Nixon plate has some sentimental value (I ate my first plate of jowls off of it) and I couldn’t possibly trade it for a lesser President unless you were prepared to sweeten the offer (actually, a cup of sugar might sweeten it sufficiently – I’m all out and can’t have my morning Folgers until I find some).

      I plan to take your advice on the tuna sandwich. After taking a closer look at it, I’m now convinced that it is the spitting image of Allen Funt and likely has some kind of otherworldly importance. I plan to increase the price accordingly (I’d say that an Allen Funt tuna sandwich is easily worth $7.00) and hope to start a fierce bidding war between NBC and MIT. Should I be successful, I will of course make sure that you receive a small percentage of the profits for supplying your fine advice.

      I will also look into your shipping strategy. My initial approach was to suggest that I would leave items in a cardboard box at the end of the driveway and ask people to pick them up but now that I have a better appreciation of the ability to gauge through “handling” fees, I fully intend to drop my prices and make up the difference with outlandish delivery charges.

      In keeping with this approach, I will be happy to provide you with the urn at the unbelievably low price of $1.99. Once I add shipping (via pony express), handling, packaging, insurance, miscellaneous transfer taxes, State to State travel costs, danger pay and toll collection charges, the entire bill should be no more than $1600.00. I hope to be a “powerseller” by Christmas.

      All the best TPB and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  2. 12:36 am

    Mr. Mills, I think you may have been swindled (probably by a damned young person) when you bought the macramé pot holder. Though popular with sailors, it really did not go mainstream until the 1970’s. However, I still expect you to make some money on the Nixon plate as, say what you want about politics, he really did love Pat.

    • 2:28 pm

      Thank you bmj2k,

      Thank you for the background on the pot holder. I had to admit I was skeptical about the plant holder (the “made in china” label was a bit of a clue) but figured it wouldn’t be the first time something’s origin and value was slightly exaggerated on Ebay.

      I was surprised too that the Nixon plate didn’t fare better. I thought it was a rather nice rendering of both the President and Pat.

      All the best, bmj2k, and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      3:46 pm

      Pat Nixon was about the only person in America who wasn’t on one of Nixon’s Enemy Lists at one time or another. It’s a good thing he never had access to today’s technology.

  3. 12:58 am

    Funny. I found half a set of dentures (upper plate) stuck on a gravel bar when I was floating on the river once. Instead of just adding it to the trash bag, I put it in with the cool rocks and brought it home. It now graces the collection of gravel bar rocks that lines the side of the house behind the hostas. One day my husband was walking along and saw the dental plate and asked, quite reasonably I suppose, “Why are there teeth in the garden?” I had no really good answer except that they seemed too good to throw away. That had to have been an epic dump for the person in the canoe to lose their dentures when the canoe went over.

    Once cold write a passably good novel about how those teeth came to be on a gravel bar. Now I have another idea of what to do with them. . . I could sell them on EBay. Or not.

    • 2:38 pm

      Thank you healingmagichands,

      The garden seems a reasonably decent place to house your find. I’m not sure about the aesthetic appeal but if I were a slug I’d certainly think twice about snacking on a hosta if I saw what appeared to be the remains of a gigantic predator sitting in front of them. I wonder if it might work with lily beetles?

      Based on my experience, I’d suggest you leave them where they are. The market for “previously enjoyed choppers” appears to be remarkably soft.

      All the best,

      Don

  4. 1:23 am

    I do like the look of that funeral urn…..

    • 2:39 pm

      Thank you grumpy.

      It has curb appeal alright. And as an added bonus it will comfortably fit a family of 3.

      Best regards,

      Don

  5. 2:15 am

    If you don’t sell the tuna sandwich today, I’ll buy it tomorrow for half off. Or perhaps we can make a trade. I have a genuine Lincoln penny I could part with, but you’ll have to throw in the Nixon plate.

    • 2:45 pm

      Many thanks Tricia,

      There may be some issues related to the shelf life of the mayonnaise in the tuna fish but if you’re prepared to gamble with your intestinal tract I’d certainly be willing to consider a discounted price (especially since I had a small nibble of it this morning and it is now more of 2/5ths of a sandwich. Same mailing address as the fridge magnets?

      A tempting offer on the Lincoln penny but I’m holding out for paper currency. Feel free to provide a counter offer. I’m looking for a hotel bar soaps if you have any lying around.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 5:56 pm

        I have Monopoly currency in large sums. I’ve gambled with more than my intestinal tract, and I have bar soaps, shampoos, conditioners, hand lotions, pens, tablets, ashtrays, and phone books from every hotel I’ve ever stayed at. I don’t have their Bibles because stealing is wrong.

        Yes, same address — ship it in the urn for good measure.

  6. 6:31 am

    I once had a summer job as a hotel housemaid on Norfolk Island. One of the departing guests left their dentures behind in the bathroom . I hope the airline food wasn’t too crunchy.

    And Don, that looks like an African Violet that you’re trying to pass off as a geranium in the macrame holder. Tsk tsk.

    • 2:57 pm

      Many thanks Nursemyra,

      Thank you for the correction on the houseplant. I’d investigate the issue further put that photo is about 3 years old and the plant has long since died. It’s still in the pot, mind you, it’s just not identifiable as anything more than a withered, dusty and somewhat fragile collection of old leaves and stems.

      Perhaps if I had added that to the listing I might have received more interest.

      All the best,

      Don

  7. Pattrish permalink
    10:00 am

    Glad I buried my folks’ dentures with their ashes now that I know they’d have no value to me later on.

    I wanted my folks to have their teeth once they got to the “other side”.

    • 3:01 pm

      Many thanks Pattrish,

      A very sensible decision. I plan to be buried with my teeth as well. I’ll also be taking a bottle of rye, some good digestives and decent sweater (though some say I likely won’t be needing it where I’m going).

      All the best,

      Don

  8. 1:45 pm

    I love the Nixon plate, only because it’s the kind of crazy thing you would see in Hunter S. Thompson’s digs and just smile, remembering a crazy time when things were surreal and otherworldly. Hellish – true – but quite the adventure.

    The teeth once again bring back memories of my long lost canines, which my mother had altered by an orthodontist when they became very long fangs. Sadly enough, this is absolutely true, and when a relentless bully who made fun of my teeth recieved a healthy bite to show how useful they could be, the writing was on the wall. * Sigh * I could’ve made a million with the recent vampire craze.

    Great posting, Don. I feel almost ready for the urn . . .

    • 12:14 pm

      Many thanks Dan,

      It’s true – it was a very different world back in the day of President Richard Milhous Nixon. I suppose if he were around today we’d be looking for the missing Watergate tweets – not tapes.

      And interesting point (sorry about that) regarding the fangs. Perhaps I’ll have ask my denturist to extend and sharpen the canines on mine. Biting damned young people might be one of the few self defense options still available to me.

      All the best, Dan, and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  9. 1:49 pm

    Don;

    Too bad your tuna sandwhich didn’t have the image of Richard Nixon burned into the toast.

    That would have sold for at least fifty bucks.

    • 12:15 pm

      Thank you Friar.

      Very true. I’ll have to get my old wood burning kit out and see if I can make some modifications.

      Thanks for the advice, Friar.

      All the best,

      Don

  10. Sedate Me permalink
    3:48 pm

    I’ll take the tuna sandwich, Mr Mills, but only if it comes on the Nixon plate.

    It sure looks like a good tuna sandwich and the plate will go nicely with my Nixon shower head.

    • 12:16 pm

      Thank you Sedate Me.

      I’ve no objection to putting together a package deal. Consider it done. A Nixon shower head? Impressive. I’ll have to look in to getting one of those myself.

      All the best,

      Don

  11. 5:08 pm

    I’m frankly shocked. The plant hangar at $400. seems quite damn reasonable! It’s the corrupted youth of today – not knowing what things are truly worth. And your list of items that didn’t have pictures made me laugh harder than anything else today – you win. Hang in there Don, I’m sure you’ll get your moneys worth (and maybe even some markup) around the holidays.

    • 12:20 pm

      Many thanks Dr. Cynicism,

      I was more than a little surprised myself. Thanks for your encouragement, I’ll repost closer to Christmas (I may have some old ornaments kicking around too) and see if I have better luck.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  12. 11:51 pm

    don,

    maybe it’s just me, but i really don’t want to eat anything off a tricky dick. not even with someone else’s previously enjoyed irregular teeth.

    p.s. just a suggestion, but perhaps you’d do better if you put the tuna sandwich on top of tricky dick. it wouldn’t do any favors for the tuna sandwich, but it would make tricky dick a little more appealing.

    • 12:25 pm

      Thanks Nonnie,

      Point taken. I’d never had a problem with the plate before but there is something about your description that is quite unsettling. Still, I’m sure a buyer exists – it’s likely just a niche market.

      Best regards,

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      1:14 pm

      Nonnie,

      You should really capitalize Tricky Dick. Leaving it in lower case changes the entire entire meaning of your post. It may result in sending incorrect messages to sexual deviants who may approach you with tuna sandwiches and ask you to preform various activities on them.

      • 1:34 am

        point taken. i’ll be more careful in the future, sedate me. (no, i didn’t mean Sedate Me 😉 )

  13. 12:00 am

    You are sneaky. Selling that delicious looking sandwich that is toasted. Now it’s toasted so someone would have to need teeth to bite into it. And given where your hands have been, they might need the urn if they choke on that sandwich.

    Genius.

    • 12:28 pm

      Many thanks Bearman.

      I try to provide pieces that will compliment one another. You’ll note too that the Nixon plate is the perfect size to hold a tuna sandwich and that the Former President often enjoyed macrame and gardening as a means of blowing off steam.

      All the best,

      Don

  14. 5:50 am

    I’ve been thinking about getting a back up pair of chompers and those look like they’ve been well cared for. Will you take payments?

    • 12:30 pm

      Thank you yellowcat,

      I’d consider it but need to be careful to balance the amount and number of monthly payments against my expected lifespan. At this point, I wouldn’t be prepared to risk anything greater than 6 monthly payments. Contact me directly if you’d like to negotiate further.

      All the best,

      Don

  15. 6:25 am

    Don,

    This is fantastic! I’ll take the macrame hanger, the dentures and the Ben Gay (no questions asked).

    Just so you know, I’ll be using them to create a sculpture reminiscent of my High School Grad night. (It’s going to be a more risque type-piece, but I think it’s one all ages can relate to.)

    I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say that when I get my hands on those previously-enjoyed dentures, they’ll be chomping at the bit once again.

    (?)

    Anyway, you have my credit card info (it’s the same as yours), so just let me know when I can expect the package.

    Thank-you, Don. For making my memories just a little more memorable.

    Your friend,
    Bschooled.

    • 1:14 pm

      Thank you Bschooled,

      I’m delighted you’ve expressed an interest in the plant hanger, teeth and the Ben-Gay (no questions asked on my part either) and thrilled that they will be used in one of your artistic endeavors. I trust it will be a cautionary piece that celebrates the power of knotted rope, hard work and healthy dental hygiene. If it’s not too presumptuous of me, you may wish to consider calling it “The Prom-ised Land.”

      There’s been a slight problem with the credit card (I don’t recall booking first class plane tickets to Guadamala…) but I’m sure I can straighten things out with a few irate letters of complaint and have the package to you before the end of the month.

      All the best and thank you for your support.

      Your friend,

      Don

      • 3:23 pm

        LOL! Prom-ised Land is perfect!

        (I was going to name it “Pram-ised Land”, but I thought that might be weird seeing as I didn’t keep the baby long enough to need one.)

        ps. Sorry for the confusion, Don. When I said “no questions asked”, I meant “ask no questions”. Because really, the fact you have dentures, Ben-Gay and an affinity for macrame goes without saying.

        (Besides, asking old people questions about anything is pretty much redundant! LOL!)

  16. 2:34 pm

    I wish I knew about your eBay page sooner. I just blew $3.95 for a tuna sandwich at the local diner. That price didn’t include the sale tax or tip for the server. Please let me know if you plan on auctioning a chicken salad sandwich any time soon.

  17. 6:50 am

    I wonder if you would have more luck combining them, like, the tuna sandwich on the Nixon plate, complete with the set of dentures to aid eating enjoyment? And maybe jazz it up with a little Infomercial speak;
    “This limited edition Nixon plate comes with the duel purpose of being both decorative and andpractical, meaning you can a tuna sandwich right off Nixon’s face and when you’re done mount it on the mantelpiece. Thats value folks. I’ll even through in a set of (recently sharpened ) dentures. That’s right folks, bid now, and you will receive a set of dentures!”

  18. My Name is None of Your Business permalink
    10:20 pm

    looks photoshopped, or even worse, microsoft painted

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