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Fogeyopedia

As part of my ongoing effort to impart wisdom to damned young people, I am planning to start a website which will house definitions of outdated conventions, obsolete products and the archaic ideals of a better age.

My first entries will be as follows:

Suspenders

Back when convention stated that trousers were to be worn at waist level or higher, people often used elasticized straps as a means of ensuring appropriate modesty. Equal parts style and function, suspenders became obsolete with the introduction of hoochie momma shorts, low rider dungarees and the asinine practice of publicly displaying a fist-full of underpants like some form of low-rent urban peacock.

The Encyclopedia
An early precursor of Wikipedia but in a bound form, printed on paper and written by actual experts in their fields rather than socially-awkward, opinionated shut-ins. Volumes tended to provide information in areas of scholarly and historical importance rather than lists of Jedi Knights, biographies of the cast of Jersey Shore and the unofficial rules of beer pong.

Discipline

Now primarily known as a sexual proclivity, discipline was once used to provide damned young people with structure, limits, boundaries – and to stop them from whizzing in sandboxes, strangling kitty cats or trying to set their mother’s hair aflame.

35mm Film

Before a camera was simply an option that came with your telephone, photographic images were taken by hobbyists and captured on film. This arcane method of recording history became outmoded once damned young people deemed it essential to immortalize every banal gathering of two or more preening assclowns with a minimum of 6000 Facebook-worthy digital snaps.

The Manual Typewriter

The manual typewriter remains a unique writing device in that it required authors to organize their thoughts in advance of composition and relied on deft, muscular fingering as its key internal processor. Surprisingly, this arcane machine did not require upgrades, add-ons, speakers or external memory devices and was not considered to be functionally obsolete 6 months after purchase. And you couldn’t watch god damned porn on it either.

Empathy

The complicated 2nd cousin of sympathy. Originally considered a hallmark of decency, empathy became problematic with advancements in single person shooter video games, reality television programming and narcissism.

The Stay at Home Mom

The shoes-optional and ever-expecting icon of the 1950s, the stay at home mom was pushed from her perch behind the Tappan Visualite Electric Oven and out into the workforce in order to ensure she could afford the material goods her family would no longer have time to enjoy together. Primarily charged with the task of raising children, the stay at home mom’s role has now been deftly assumed by day care providers, television broadcasters and the state.

The Gay 90s

A reference to the idyllic final decade of the 19th Century – not the small subculture of homosexual nonagenarians currently residing in West Palm Beach.

Fresh Food

Prior to the culinary revolution that brought you frozen breakfast burritos, microwaveable cheese and the always delicious powdered butter, young people were forced to eat food that had been grown on farms. While undoubtedly nutritious, mundane foodstuffs like fresh carrots, sweet corn and bell peppers were time consuming to prepare and could not be easily supersized.

Coming next to Fogeyopedia: hand me downs, the homburg, personal responsibility, rotary phones and the milkman.

With sincere thanks to my friend, Clifton L. Tanager, for suggesting this subject and prompting the writing of this post.

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76 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:32 am

    I am going to have to get a copy of Fogeyopedia when it comes out. My daughter doesn’t know what a pay phone or a television tuner is.

    • 12:24 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      I’ll be sure to send a copy your way as soon as it’s completed. I’m still trying to recruit some other nimble fingered old folks to help penning definitions. If you know any seniors with time on their hands, please feel free to send them my way.

      All the best to you and your daughter.

      Don

  2. 1:01 am

    Might I suggest adding in the definitions for table manners, sarcasm and ethics?

    • 12:25 pm

      Many thanks cldhughes,

      Excellent additions. I will add them to the list and be sure to include them shortly. I’m not entirely sure that young people need any help with their sarcasm but it may be useful for them to understand its appropriate (and inappropriate) use. And, while they are inclined to use sarcasm, I’m not sure they are particularly good at recognizing it.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  3. 1:21 am

    I am so buying the first edition of Fogeyopedia when it becomes available! And I want an autographed copy please. I remember all of your entries (well, maybe with the exception of suspenders) and look forward to further entries.

    I also remember the Encyclopedia Britannica my parents had bought when I was young and proudly displayed in a special bookcase in our living room. I loved paging through the different books and was saddened that the interwebs made those books obsolete.

    Young people ARE idiots and I really wonder how they will make it to adulthood.

    • 12:25 pm

      Many thanks Carol,

      I’ll be delighted to send you a copy if and when it reaches completion. I’m still working my way through the “As” however so it may be a while before anything arrives in the mail.

      I share your fond memories of the Encyclopedia. I’ve had more than one set in my lifetime and also enjoyed spending hours leafing through the pages. They had a permanence and sense of authority about them that you just can’t find on the damned internet.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in, Carol.

      Don

  4. 2:06 am

    Let’s have an entry for stay at home dads — those guys who did shift work, played in bands (mine did), or had a business in the home (mine did that too). They talked to us, trained us to help in the family business (answer phones and the door courteously, take messages), taught us to use tools, or to just shut the (*&% up while Dad was sleeping because he worked hard.

    Does anyone remember that terrific picture of John Kennedy Jr. in the kneehole of the Oval Office desk? Now we have to look for interns under there. JFK was a playa but he knew something about time and place.

    • 12:25 pm

      Thank you sledpress,

      I think an entry of “Fathering” or “Parenting” itself might be a good place to start and would include a good number of the notions you’ve identified (how to use tools and answer the phone in a civilized manner etc.,). Seems to me that instead of teaching these damned young people things, parents are spending all their time placating them and buying them off with electronic doodads (not to be confused with real dads).

      I certainly do remember the picture of President Kennedy. In fact, I may just have to use that photo in one of the fogeyopedia volumes.

      Thanks for the comment, sledpress. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      2:04 pm

      Actually, I wouldn’t give JFK much credit for “knowing time and place”. He made Clinton look like a monk. JFK was even banging mobster chicks, which might have been what got him killed.

      No, the real credit for this not becoming public belongs to the media. Many of them knew all about it and refused to report on it out of a sense of class and good taste. They knew this was irrelevant to both JFK’s job and to their job reporting the important news of the day.

      Today, this kind of meaningless crap is all our profit hungry, whore mongering, media wants to report.

  5. 2:27 am

    Outdoorsography: Back when Summer arrived, and mom handed you a paper sack containing a bologna sammich, if she could afford bologna that week, a mustard sammich if she couldn’t, and sent you out the back door, telling you not to return until dinner, and not a minute later. No video games, just baseball, exploring, swimming and learning about life.

    I just did a post on that last week. Sad you can’t do that any more because the damn kids are too lazy.

    • 12:25 pm

      Thanks kindly Jammer,

      An excellent addition. In fact, with your approval, I may just lift your definition entirely and add it to the others. If I can find an old photo of a mustard “sammich” I’ll include it alongside.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • 7:49 pm

        Not a problem, Don.

        “Sammich” came from an old site I used to post on. An inside joke there, but worthy of joining American lexicography🙂

  6. 3:30 am

    Thanks for starting the Fogeyopedia. I forgot some of this stuff even existed. You know, it took me two days to learn to use my new cell phone. I had to download an extra manual off the internet and I’m still not sure I’m doing it properly. A rotary phone didn’t need a 200 page manual. If you couldn’t figure it out, you were too stupid to make a call anyway.

    • 12:25 pm

      Well said yellowcat,

      The only instruction manual that came with our rotary phone was a verbal one that was issued by my old dad. I don’t remember it word for word but it was something along the lines of “keep your damned paws off it. It’s not a toy.”

      As sledpress pointed out, when we got a little older, he also provided us with some instruction on how to answer it appropriately. “Mills residence” was the standard opener – none of this “yo pappy waz up, talk to me dawg” nonsense (and that’s when I call the bank).
      Many thanks for the comment and good luck with your phone.

      All the best,

      Don

  7. 4:01 am

    Great idea, Don

    Are you planning on introducing an ‘International’ Edition of FogeyopediA ?

    Only to those of us in the UK ‘suspenders’ = ‘braces’

    And suspenders = a device worn by women to hold their stockings up (before some bloody spoilsport invented ‘tights’)

    • 12:40 pm

      Many thanks Duncan,

      I appreciate the clarification on the suspenders vs. braces notion. I wouldn’t want to confuse any English lads by making them think that us older gents used to hold our pants up with accessories to women’s unmentionables.

      I’d be delighted to develop an international edition but as I mentioned earlier in the comments will need to track down a small army of senior contributors in order to make that happen. I tend to nod off after writing one or two. If I keep up at this rate my projected completion date will be somewhere in 2067.

      Nice to hear from you Duncan. Hope you’re keeping well.

      Don

  8. 8:33 am

    I still wear suspenders duncan😉

  9. 9:12 am

    Might I also suggest the following:

    streetcars – the functional ones that got you all the way across town and back.

    carburetors – the huge things that sat on top of the engine and, when your car stalled, you could blame for “flooding”.

    curb feelers – need I say more?

    Kick the can – not the more modern version whereby you got your ass kicked, but the one in which anywhere from five to a thousand kids would join in.

    street racers – not the assclowns in bright pink Hondas with glowing lights under their rides, but the ones built out of a roller skate on a 2×4 with a soapbox upright to hang on to.

    T.O.M.

    • 12:48 pm

      Many thanks T.O.M.

      Wonderful additions. I’d be delighted to include them all. I particularly like the street racers entry. My brother, York, and I used to spend hours constructing our racers out of whatever scrap we could find in our old dad’s garage. Damned good fun.

      All the best,

      Don

  10. 9:30 am

    Oh wow Don, this is the best idea that I’ve heard in ages. Fogeypedia will be just like Conservapedia in it’s hatred of change but it will be much more factually based and way less batshit crazy. This is just brilliant!

    I’ve already learned so much. For instance I never knew that the 19th century was so gay. I guess I always used to foolishly think of the re-emergence of the bubonic plague and the fall of Napoleon when I though 1800’s, but I guess if you weren’t French or bubonic you would have been pretty gay. What with all the industrial revolutioning and all.

    I can’t wait to see how this thing pans out. Given the popularity of Mad Men and everything retro, I’m betting that you are going to be a very rich pediac very soon.

    Hilarious!

    • 12:55 pm

      Many thanks Scott,

      Naturally, you’ll want to discount plague sufferers and the French when assessing the gayness of any culture. (In my experience, the French have never been particularly cheery people regardless of the decade and plague sufferers are generally preoccupied with their impending death). Both tend to dampen a party.

      Always a pleasure to hear from you lad. All the best,

      Don

  11. 11:26 am

    Great idea, you’ll be come a rich old fart I’m sure. I felt quite at home looking at all of these wonderful words. Sign me up for the whole package.

    • 12:59 pm

      Thank you Walker,

      Nice to hear from you. I trust you’re keeping well.

      I’m not sure that Fogeyopedia will make me rich – I suspect there’s a limited audience for old school word definitions. If it was Teenopedia, however, and chalk full of saucy references to the damned Jonas Brothers and Twilight movies I suspect it might be more commercially viable.

      All the best,

      Don

  12. 5:12 pm

    Nice. Can not get enough. Staying tuned fine sir. Thank you for your continued discipline and wisdom.

    • 10:41 pm

      Many thanks hanilol.

      Nice to hear from you again. I hope you’re well.

      Don

      • 1:56 am

        In the same respect Mr. Mills, I hope you are as well. I am doing alright. Thank you. Peace.-Laura

  13. datuner permalink
    6:30 pm

    Greatly appreciated and LONG overdue! I wish the damn kids would stop wearing
    their ridiculous headwear at the table, but it’s hard to blame them since most of their
    fathers do it too. My dad would have gone up to them, slapped the cap off them and
    yelled “Is your damn head cold in here?”

    • 10:45 pm

      Thank you datuner and welcome,

      My old dad wouldn’t have stood for it either. He’d have slapped the cap off us on the forehand swing and then knocked some sense into us with the backhand.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  14. 2:57 am

    Don…how would you intepret a man who wears both a belt and suspenders?

    You forgot to mention that they used to give you a volume of the encyclopedia for every $25 you spent at the store but you had to come back the next month for the next volume. Took my dad 2+ years to get the whole set so I did a lot book reports on topics that started with A-H

    • 12:54 pm

      Thank you Bearman,

      I’d suggest that any gentleman who wears both a belt and suspenders is prudent, sensible and entirely stylish. It’s a difficult look to pull off successfully but when done correctly the ladies certainly respond.

      Thanks for the reminder about accumulating the individual editions. I miss those kinds of sensible incentives for customer loyalty. My wife Aggie and I got our entire collection of glassware and dinner plates from the local gas station back in the 50s.

      All the best Bearman and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  15. Big Beachdog permalink
    2:26 pm

    I agree with datuner, a lot of the young’uns need a good slap on the back of the head just to get their attention. At the risk of getting myself in over my head, I may be available to help with transcription, let me know what it involves.

    How about adding a reference to the slide rule, the fore runner to the calculator.

    Cheers

    • 12:54 pm

      Thank you kindly Big Beachdog,

      The slide rule would an excellent addition – I’ll be sure to add it to the list. I appreciate the offer of help too. If I’m able to get the mechanics of this damned Fogeyopedia worked out I’ll send you an email with more information. Alternatively, you can drop me a line using the contact form at the top of the page.

      Thanks for visiting. I appreciate hearing from you.

      Don

  16. Sedate Me permalink
    3:33 pm

    Another excellent idea, sir! I really hope you go through with it.

    I’m not even sure if they make real encyclopedias anymore. The last time I came across somebody buying an encyclopedia was here (Warning: The following clip is of a Canadian TV show that includes graphic use of a rotary cell phone, an encyclopedia purchase and a reference to another Canadian TV show. Viewer discretion is advised.)

    While occasionally useful, Wikipedia is largely the product of hoards of young losers with nothing better to do than document and preserve vast amounts of utterly irrelevant cultural trivialities as if they were worth remembering. It’s nothing but a desperate attempt to make the time they wasted on them appear less wasted; an attempt to self-validate their utterly meaningless lives.

    That’s why Fogeyopedia is such a brilliant idea. It would both pay homage to meaningful events, persons, etc. that have been forgotten by our amnesiac culture and mockingly remind the young people how meaningless (and doomed) their irrelevant cultural obsessions are.

    I really hope Fogeyopedia becomes THE on-line source for things that have/had meaning and that society has forgotten. I would recommend including objects (fedoras), persons (Edward R Murrow), events (Spanish American War) and sayings (Money is the root of all evil. A penny saved is a penny earned. )

    Good luck and good Fogeyopedia-ing!

    • 1:14 pm

      Many thanks Sedate Me,

      Canadian television certainly has changed since the days of Hammy Hamster and the Hilarious House of Frightenstein but I appreciate the link.

      I haven’t seen a printed encyclopedia anywhere but in a library (and my attic) for years. I suspect they are fast on their way to becoming museum pieces. Still, it’s nice to know that well-written examinations of tramp stamps, Crazy Taxi and Grinding are available should they be needed to assist in the writing of an essay. (For instance, I had no idea that a Barbie was released with a tramp stamp in 2009. Hopefully they still plan to move forward with the crack-addled hooker Barbie next year).

      Thanks for the additional suggestions, Sedate Me. I think adding individuals and sayings is an excellent idea.

      Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        4:39 pm

        You’re welcome, Sir.

        For the record, I must state that Hammy Hamster was one of my childhood favourites. Versions were made in the 60’s 70’s and the last in 95-98. In between, the shows ran in almost constant syndication. I heard the creator was planning to bring the show back again at the time of his death in 2004 as an anti-dote to what today’s kids have been subjected to.

        Also a favourite of mine, The Hilarious House of Frightenstein only ran for a season (or two) in 1971, but was re-run well into the 80’s in some places and aired on the Drive In Classics channel http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drive-In_Classics (Like I said, Wikipedia is occasionally useful.)

        Sadly, Drive-In Classics has passed away and I will miss it dearly. I don’t know what to watch on TV anymore now. If it doesn’t involve side burns, rubber monsters, Roger Corman or Russ Meyers, my heart just isn’t in it.

  17. 6:48 pm

    Senior power indeed!

    This is a wonderful idea, Don. I’m a firm believer that the key to the past lies in the historical events and ideals preceding us. I also believe that kids these days should know that suspenders aren’t supposed to be worn like this: http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2008/06/19/fashion/0619-CODES_6.html

    One word of advice, though. I suggest you market your site by setting up a Facebook page called “FogeyopediA Rules, Yo!” Or, you could always go the My Space route (but to tell you the truth it’s a little outdated).

    If you need some help setting it up, Don, let me know. (If we start right away, you could probably get 1,000 “likes” by the end of the week!)

    • 2:39 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled,

      That’s a damned disturbing photo. He must be one of those metrosexuals they mentioned in the Reader’s Digest. If I’d ever had my photo taken in a ridiculous pose like that my old dad would have taken out his Kodak Brownie, snapped my neck and then hung my by the suspenders in a dark room.

      Thanks for the advice. If I decide to set up a facebook page I will definitely let you know. I’m not particularly Facebook savvy and am still trying to figure out how the hell I ended up with Nipsy Russell as a friend. I could have sworn he died years ago.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Your friend,

      Don

      • 3:51 am

        To me the disturbing thing about the photo is the accompanying text pricing the black denim jeans worn with the suspenders at $825 (at Saks).

        Some quick mental addition tells us that the dweeb in the photo spent well over $1000 to look that stupid.

        A little touch of Fogey in the night would have done him good.

      • Sedate Me permalink
        1:47 pm

        Sir, I’d stay clear of Facebook (aka Loserbook), if I were you.

        It will glam you with a combination of mindless entertainment and seductive promises and it will suck whatever life you have left right out of your veins. Kind of like this.

        http://www.metacafe.com/watch/4207556/once_bitten_movie_trailer/

        Stay away, sir.

  18. 12:13 am

    Don –

    This Fogeypedia of yours has all the hallmarks of an “Instant Classic,” which seems oddly inappropriate, what with “instant” being synonymous with “impatient, inept youth.” One needs look no further than the microwave instructions for Pop Tarts to see just how far this generation is willing to go to cut corners and otherwise sand the rough edges off life.

    I enjoyed every entry, in particular “The Typewriter.” I’ve still got one of those back on the desk which I use to bang out irate letters to the editor, irate letters to the utility companies and irate letters to the post office for their unwillingness to deliver these threatening and easily traceable missives.

    The fact that it still works nearly 50 years after I bought it is a testament to the hardworking and incredibly underpaid machinists of America, who still saw fit to create a long-lasting product despite continual mistreat and withholding of bathroom breaks and paychecks by their abusive bosses.

    Try getting quality like that these days. No matter how much abuse you heap on a 20-something, they still refuse to make the leap from “breathing” to “functional.” Instead of dialed-in specs and 18-hour workdays, you get corporate retreats to adventuresome ski resorts and day after day of sensitivity training.

    Back when I was endangering my remaining digits and limbs at the muffler factory, it was considered a rite of passage to be berated by your supervisors, especially those that had the tenacity to work split shifts in order to more productively deploy their managerial yelling.

    It’s too much, too soon these days and frankly I’m tired of it. They demand everything RIGHT NOW, but can’t be bothered to deliver a pizza in under 30 minutes or notarize a document in under 10. If you want the privileges of instant access to the world, you need to be willing to work both sides of that street.

    You say you want to be able to shift your 401(k) at the drop of the hat? Fine. But be damn sure that when I honk the horn, you’re pulling down the rear license plate of the Lincoln and tanking my vehicle up.

    You say you need to be in touch with your social circle nonstop? OK by me, but you’d better stop filling the air with useless drivel like “This station is self-serve only” and “I don’t think we carry a lead additive.”

    You want yours and I want mine. I need all 25 gallons if I’m going to make it across town at 35 mph. I don’t want to be surprised by any sudden engine stoppages while I’m still trying to remember where I was going. You can’t be too careful, not at 9 mpg.

    Thanks again for this, Don, and for the hat tip. I may have had a short burst of inspiration, but you’re the one actually pounding it all out.

    Sincerely,
    C.L. Tanager
    (Currently on enforced sabbatical)

    • 4:33 pm

      Clifton!

      Wonderful to hear from you.

      Hopefully this enforced sabbatical of yours is self-imposed and not court ordered. If I remember correctly the last enforced sabbatical of yours took place at Templeton Box and Glove and resulted in a brief period of incarceration and a rather unflattering sketch of you appearing on the front page of the Pleasantville Daily Chronicle.

      (You’ll recall that at the time, the Chronicle had lost their usual sketch artist and had engaged the services of a local teenaged caricaturist. While the drawing of you being dragged from the premises of TB&G was undoubtedly dramatic, the inclusion of water-skis seemed out of character. And including a call out which read – “I’d rather be boxing” was gratuitous and not in the least bit amusing given the circumstances.)

      But I digress.

      Naturally, I’m in full agreement with everything you write. I doubt very much, however, that we will see damned young people working both sides of the immediate gratification street anytime soon. In fact, the only streets you’re likely to see them working are ones similar to those that ran just east of the TP&G (along side the abattoir and north of the prosthetics factory). With young people, it’s all take and no give. And frankly, I’m not going to take it anymore…or give it either. We’ll see how they fancy that.

      In any case, wonderful to hear from you Clifton. Hopefully, you’ll soon return to your blog and carry on the important work of providing damned young people with sage answers to their moronic questions.

      Best regards and thanks again passing the idea my way.

      Don

  19. 2:53 am

    welcome back, don! i hope you had a nice vacation and caught lots of fish. i would have commented sooner, but i got to “deft, muscular fingering,” and i had to take a shower.

    perhaps you could add real live operators and not having to dial 58 numbers in order to reach a particular party. and don’t forget newspapers! kids born now won’t have any idea what they are. they’ll try to wrap their fish in and line their birdcages with computer monitors.

    • 5:40 pm

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      Sorry if the “deft, muscular fingering” sent you to the showers but a good typewriter often had that effect. I don’t know how many times my fingers were blackened while fumbling to untangle a recalcitrant typewriter ribbon during the heat of a passionate letter of complaint.

      Live operators, sensible phone numbers and newspapers will make ideal additions to Fogeyopedia and I appreciate your sending them along. As soon as I’ve manage to get the “T” key on my Olivetti unstuck, I’ll get to work on the definitions.

      Warm regards,

      Don

  20. 4:39 am

    Typewriters were also useful for composing a “letter”, which not only took so long to arrive that it killed the writer’s appetite for texting or twittering their timeless idiocy on the spot, but also prevented the recipient from adding a little ‘>’ in front of each line while parroting back everything the writer had said in the first place.

    • 5:51 pm

      Thank you Cooper Green,

      A fine point regarding “letters.” In my day if you were about to eat a ham sandwich or walk into the living room there was no practical way to share that information quickly with your friends and family overseas. You had to keep important updates like that to yourself.

      Another point in the favor of letters was that they were devoid of those damned yellow smiley faces. They scare the hell out of me.

      Very nice to hear from you again lad. All the best.

      Don

  21. datuner permalink
    1:28 am

    Don, you might make some comments on the state of todays
    “music.” I remember when music had words you could repeat,
    had a melody that was pleasing to the ear and could be
    hummed after the song ended. Todays so-called music is
    more accurately described as “noise polution”. And dont
    even get me started on dancing. I remember when dancing
    required learning steps. My mom made me learn, saying to
    me that dancing was “the only socially acceptable excuse for
    holding a girl in my arms in public”.

    • 10:22 pm

      Thank you datuner,

      If you check the sidebar you’ll find my posts on both the sorry state of today’s music and the herky-jerky arm flailing nonsense that passes for dance today. Funny you mention it though, my first draft of the fogeyopedia post included a definition of “The Lindy Hop” and detailed the devolution of dance from two-step to four play.

      Good to hear from you again,

      Don

  22. 12:37 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,
    Is there a place where we can sing up to be notified of publication? Your book sounds like an absolute must read.
    Hoping you include references to the “rattan” (perhaps as a sub category of discipline?) Or would that be better included in a school or respect entry?
    All the best to you,
    ProudMilitaryMom

    • 10:26 pm

      Thank you very much ProudMilitaryMom,

      No sign up sheet I’m afraid. Just pop in to visit now and again and if I ever get a volume completed I’ll be sure to let you know.

      Thanks to for the suggestion. Not sure where the “rattan” will fit in but I’ll be sure to provide ample cross references.

      All the best to you as well,

      Don

  23. 2:45 pm

    I think that ‘Assclown’ might be my new favorite word – impossible to read without grinning stupidly! Thanks Don!

    • 10:28 pm

      Thank you Molly,

      It’s been mine for over a year now. I was called an “assclown” in the comments of an early post and thought it was just perfect.

      Nice to hear from you Molly.

      Don

  24. 12:42 am

    Don

    Wow..there are few things that are even ahead of MY TIME….but thats why i am here to see what happened before me……but just think no computer no Don Mills…..so something good has come from technology..just a thought…zman sends

    • 6:47 pm

      Many thanks Zman,

      Good to hear from you again lad. Hope you’re keeping well. I hate to think that without computers I would cease to exist but there may be some small truth to that given the number of electronic gizmos my quack of a doctor hooks me up to on a regular basis.

      In any case, I appreciate the kind words and the visit.

      Keep on sending. All the best,

      Don

      • 7:07 pm

        Don

        Your site was part of my healing process….and yes you made the blog of the year list again…deservedly so..zman

  25. 12:35 am

    Good lord this site is hilarious.

  26. 1:05 am

    Very funny stuff. My father always wore suspenders…..And those manual typewriters, were like a hundred pounds! I will visit again. Please check out my site, it’s also about nostalgia. http://Back2Brooklyn.blogspot.com

    • 10:06 pm

      Thank you GalfromBrooklyn,

      Any chance you’re related to James Ladfromyonkers? A decent enough lad but he used to save his fingernail clippings in a small silk purse. Never did find out why.

      In any case, you’re right about the manual typewriters – they were well constructed and substantial. But then again, it wasn’t that long ago that when you bought something it was meant to last. I recently (and reluctantly) gave up my old kitchen appliances. I’d had them since god knows when and never had a problem. The stove I bought 10 months ago has been serviced 5 times and the fridge was recalled, fixed and has been serviced twice. It makes me furious. They’re just crap.

      I’ll be sure to drop by your site sometime over the weekend. I could use a little nostalgia right about now.

      All the best,

      Don

  27. Sherry permalink
    1:10 am

    Yeah! And just how did we get to this sorry state of affairs anyway? Oh yeah, now I remember. Progress.

    You brought back a memory of telephone calls made before rotary dialing. Back in the day when I called my great grandad I’d pick up the phone and listen to make sure no one else was using the partyline. If they weren’t, the nice lady would say “Number please.” Odd that I remember that number after close to 50 years. It was 8-6.

    • 10:09 pm

      Many thanks Sherry and welcome.

      I remember the party line as well. We didn’t have one but a relative I used to visit was on one and I have very similiar memories.

      I appreciate your stopping in.

      All the best,

      Don

  28. 3:10 am

    I still remembered why my school made it compulsory to learn typing during the 1970’s starting with my first lesson: asdf;lkj

    • 12:34 am

      Many thanks Jimmy,

      And a fine lesson “asd;lkj” is too. Schools would be far better off today if they taught practical skills like typing, short hand, phrenology and wheel-tapping and stopped spending all of their time pulling condoms over bananas in those damned “sex education” classes.

      Appreciate your visiting.

      All the best,

      Don

  29. 3:44 pm

    “Urban Donctionary” … snicker, snicker … that’s just plain ridonculous … snicker, snort …

    Good stuff, and sign me up for a first edition. It will be available in print, or via telegraph, correct?

    • 12:36 am

      Thank you Media Mug Shot,

      Consider yourself signed up. I had been planning to release it in print telegraph is an excellent idea. At minimum, I could use telegraph to release “updates.” I had been planning on carrier pigeons but a man needs to keep up with the times.

      Best regards,

      Don

  30. 4:37 pm

    I fear if you want anyone to read Fogeyopedia that had the misfortune of being born after 1989, you’ll have to make it available for the Kindle. Apparently, young’uns can’t be bothered with going to book stores anymore. They would rather have something that might break if it hits the ground or might electrocute you should you drop it during a bath time perusal. What are trees supposed to do now that they aren’t needed to make dime store novels?

    • 7:06 pm

      Thank you kindly Lisa,

      I have to admit I’ve seen the word “Kindle” around before but have never been sure exactly what it was referring to. Part of me assumed it was just those damned chocolate eggs with the toy inside of them. Now that I’ve looked it up I’m suitably horrified. Books were meant to be printed on paper.

      Many thanks for visiting and all the best,

      Don

  31. 11:29 pm

    “While undoubtedly nutritious, mundane foodstuffs like fresh carrots, sweet corn and bell peppers were time consuming to prepare and could not be easily supersized.”

    You touched on a real sore spot with me, Don, which is all this damn super-sizing.

    Once in a great while I bow to some internal weakness and visit a drive thru at McDonald’s or Burger King, and if I order a complete meal, my soda comes in a container slightly smaller than an oil super tanker. Yet, people wonder why we’re the most obese nation on earth.

    They do wonder, don’t they?

    Maybe not, but we ARE dammit.

    Keep up the great work. I’m going out for a Happy Meal with fries and a coke. It’s supposed to be a child’s meal, but is actually an NFL linebacker’s after-game feast.

  32. 1:38 am

    Dear Sir:

    No, your glasses are not deceiving you when you read that I still actually use a typewriter. I type faster on one too. I also get a sick pleasure whenever someone else tries to type on it and horribly fails since they’re used to the light pressure a keyboard needs. It’s also the reason I break so many keyboards.

    Also, I prefer actual secondhand and firsthand sources to any encyclopedia, thank you very much.

    Jonathan Ferixst

  33. 12:34 pm

    Hi Don! Sorry to have been in so scarce as of late. I think your book has “best seller” written all over it. Make sure to add in jacks, hopscotch and maybe even the bicycle should be considered.

  34. 6:48 pm

    The Fogeyopedia is a splendid idea.

    If I may contribute a few ideas, I’d love to see entries for archaic concepts like:

    – Work ethic: A set of values concerning ones’ responsibilities* as an employee, including punctuality, dependability and actually doing something productive in return for the salary received. Regarded today as something of a novel idea.

    * Which should possibly have a separate entry.

    – Craftsmanship: An outdated way of procuring or maintaining necessary items(ranging from a humble wooden spoon to a house), wherein people would actually devote time and resources towards learning t0 manufacture and repair things like household items, furniture and the like, instead of picking them from a supermarket or hardware store aisle, which in turn are supplied by trucks that appear from the Magic Land of Stuffmaking, which according to legend is somewhere in China.

  35. 8:50 pm

    yeah my dad will like this

  36. JoEllen permalink
    12:13 pm

    I love it!! I only have one request…please leave out the g.d.’s! Everything else is awesome, but my Father’s last name is not damn! Please.

  37. astape permalink
    10:10 pm

    And why is it that everyone has to talk on their cell phone 24/7 these days? Especially public restrooms……..that is just wrong!

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