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The Alphabet of Damned Young People Who Annoyed Me Today

A is for the Assclown who was standing on my grass,
B is for the Bonehead with a tattoo on her ass.

C is for the Crackhead who was passed out on the street,
D is for the Dimwit with his pants around his feet.

E is for the Emo with his ever-present pout,
F is for the Fatso who at 14 has the gout.

G is for the Goof-off who approached me for some cash,
H is for the Homeys and the gang signs that they flashed.

I is for the Ingrate, who gave his mother guff,
J is for the Junkie and the reefer that he puffed.

K is for the Kiddies riding skateboards after dark,
L is for the Losers trading hickeys in the park.

M is for Moron with the backwards baseball cap,
N is for the Numbskull in his car and blaring rap.

O is for the Oddball with the pins stuck through his lip,
P is for the Punkers who think mohawks make them hip.

Q is for the Question – Is that a girl or boy?
R is for the Reprobates who no one will employ.

S is for the Simpleton who kicked over my trash,
T is for the Tramp who sports a most suspicious rash.

U is for the Unemployed who gather in the malls,
V is for the Vandal spraying paint upon the walls.

W is the Wailing Goth who is all angst and gloom,
X is for the X-box kid who’s never left his room.

Y is for Young People, I see them all day long; and
Z is for the Zoo in which they damn well all belong.

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80 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:06 am

    “T is for the Tramp.” Mr. Mills, you are a true product of your time and delightfully not PC.
    Nowadays there are no tramps, only the under-employed and non-economically viable.

    Keep the old ways going, Mr. Mills. We need more old-fashioned common sense.

    • 6:05 pm

      Many thanks Bmj2k.

      No tramps? I’m surprised and more than a little sceptical. There seems to be no shortage in my neck of the woods. Floozies, harlots, hobos, minxes and general ne’er-do-wells too.

      I’ll keep the old ways going just as long as I can, lad.

      Thanks for visiting. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

  2. 12:18 am

    You really need to get out of that neighborhood!

    • 6:08 pm

      Thank you Dr. King,

      Probably a wise prescription but I love my old house and it will be a cold day in hell before I let a clowder of joint-puffing young people chase me out of town. Besides, if I show any weakness or complain too much my relatives will just use it as an excuse to ship me off to the Shady Rest Maximum Security Nursing Home.

      All the best,

      Don

  3. 12:23 am

    Oh, Mr.Mills,

    U are the hero who represents old farts,
    I am a blogger who applauds your writing art.

    • 6:09 pm

      You’re very kind, Pamela.

      Many thanks for the comment and for visiting.

      Best regards,

      Don

  4. 12:28 am

    All right Don,

    I think it is time we took a long hard close look at you because how, exactly, do you know that Bonehead had a tattoo on her ass? Did she moon you? or is there some other… more disturbing explanation?

    • 8:21 am

      Yes Don….. we’re all waiting to find out how you know😉

    • 6:19 pm

      Many thanks Sledpress,

      While I have been mooned regularly by young people for several years, this young woman did not drop her pants. She didn’t have to – the trouser industry seems to be churning out slacks now that don’t require any manual mooning and have that feature built in. I believe they are called low riders or ass-check danglers or something equally moronic.

      In any case, this particular woman had her pants hanging halfway down her sizeable ass and I could clearly make out what was either the left wing of a poorly illustrated butterfly or the profile of Karl Marx. It was damned disturbing alright. I needed to lie down for 20 minutes afterward.

      Hope that clarifies, Sledpress. Thanks for popping in.

      All the best,

      Don

  5. Mark permalink
    12:29 am

    Greetings Don from across the Atlantic. It’s 1.30am here and you are a star that shine brightly in the night sky. Thanks for a damn good laugh before bed. Printed your latest post of to give to my teenage kids. It seems kinda apt🙂

    • 6:22 pm

      Thank you kindly Mark,

      Always nice to hear from folks overseas. Pass on my regards to those kids of yours and tell them to toe the line, watch their step and mind their damned business.

      All the best,

      Don

  6. 12:49 am

    Bravo (giving standing ovation)!!!!

  7. 12:51 am

    Ah, this takes me back to Edward Lear’s nonsense alphabet, which my mother used to quote to us when she was sick and tired of listening to the same old same old. . .

    “Z said,” Here Here is a box of Zinc! Get in, my little master!
    We’ll shut you up! We’ll nail you down! We will, my little master!
    We think we’ve all heard quite enough of this your sad disaster!”

    • 6:27 pm

      Thank you healingmagichands,

      Edward Lear’s work was a bit of inspiration. I’m also fond of Edward Gorey’s Gashlycrumb Tinies.

      W is for Winnie embedded in ice
      X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

      Many thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  8. 1:19 am

    A is for Amazing as your post will always be.
    B is for the Brightest humor on the net today.
    C is kind of Crazy in the way we laugh outloud
    D is for the one and only Donald Mills . . . Kapow!
    E is . . . uh . . . something’s burning in the kitchen.

    Great post, Don. Beautiful!

    • 6:31 pm

      Thank you Dan,

      Appreciate the kind words. You’ll want to tend to that kitchen fire before it gets out of control. I used to have 2 or 3 a week before I stopped warming my socks in the toaster oven and know full well how much damage they can cause.

      All the best,

      Don

  9. 2:11 am

    HAHAHA! Who knew all these louts could be a useful learning tool for our next generation.

    • 6:46 pm

      Thank you yellowcat,

      It took me a while to figure out what it was but I knew they had to be good for something. Damned young people.

      All the best,

      Don

  10. 2:52 am

    That’s damn fine poetry, Mr. Mills!

    There’s just nothing like a good muse for stirring up the iambic meter.

    • 6:47 pm

      Nice to hear from you Joan,

      Thanks for the kind words. I do like my poetry.

      Best regards. I trust you’re keeping well.

      Don

  11. anastasiaporter permalink
    2:55 am

    Mr. Mills,

    I am a young person {though much of what you describe does not describe me} and I find your blog hilarious and refreshingly true in most cases. I was introduced to your blogs a while ago and have been a ‘quiet’ reader for a number of weeks. I’ve finally gotten caught up on everything you’ve written {I’m a young person that works and goes to school :)} and all I have to say is…keep up with the writing.

    Thanks,
    Anastasia

    PS: The pin-up ‘application’ of Bea Arthur…well that somewhat disturbs me…🙂

    • 6:50 pm

      Thank you Anastasia,

      I appreciate your taking the time to read my older posts and leave a comment. It’s always heartening to hear from a decent young person.

      I’m not surprised you find the Bea Arthur application a little disturbing. It’s not for the faint of heart or recommended for anyone under 70.

      All the best. I hope to hear from you again.

      Don

  12. 3:10 am

    I was guilty of “L” the other day. She couldn’t help herself.
    A great analysis of today’s youth!

    • 6:51 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      You’ll want to exercise some caution. A Hickey is decidedly un-Presidential.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  13. 3:37 am

    Ha ha ha…

    M.L.

  14. 4:05 am

    Dear Mr Mills

    Your post serves two purposes: it gives the Young People of Today a jolly good drubbing, while educating them at the same time. Therein lies your genius.

    Next I’d like to see you do something with the 12 times tables. Something must be done with it at once and I simply don’t have the time.

    Yours sincerely,

    The NDM

    • 6:54 pm

      Thank you NDM,

      I’ll set myself to the times tables immediately. It’s an excellent idea and I’ve always been rather good at the sevens in particular.

      Hope the family is well.

      All the best and thanks for stopping by.

      Don

  15. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    5:29 am

    As a young person, I’d be offended if it wasn’t all too true. Bravo on telling it as it is, and in poetry no less.

    • 6:55 pm

      Thank you lookingforsomethingtofind,

      I appreciate the kind words. Thanks very much for the comment and the visit.

      Don

  16. 5:53 am

    this is like sesame street for old people! 😉

    like the very old song goes, don: alphabetically speaking, you’re OK

    • 6:57 pm

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      I always enjoy a very old song reference. And if I do say so myself – you’re OK too.

      Best regards,

      Don

      p.s. I hate that damned sesame street.

  17. 6:43 am

    Well said, sir.

    Well, since it’s our periodical exams this week, I can’t say more. See you in a week.

    Jonathan Ferxist

    • 6:58 pm

      Thank you Jonathan,

      Good luck with your periodical exams, lad. I’m sure you’ll do splendidly.

      All the best.

      Don

  18. 6:49 am

    Brilliant, Don. One slight problem: today’s kids need the spoken word, as in ipods. I’m afraid your alphabet would slide right over their heads., but then again, who cares what they can or can’t understand.

    • 7:04 pm

      Good point Jammer,

      Naturally I don’t give a rat’s ass what any young person can or can’t comprehend but I have to admit it would be nice to hear the alphabet read aloud by someone like Lorne Greene. Shame he’s dead. Orson Welles would have been a nice choice too. Or Wilford Brimley. (I think he might still be alive – perhaps he’d be interested in helping out the cause.)

      All the best, Jammer, and thanks for the visit.

      Don

    • Fairy Face permalink
      11:58 pm

      I was thinking that this would be beyond most of them too Jammers. Most of them wouldn’t be able to even get through the alphabet let alone their tables.

  19. cleverlittlemiss permalink
    9:22 am

    Loved this one! Those darn Losers giving each other hickeys in the park annoy me as well and so do just about everyone else in your alphabet🙂

    See you next week.

    • 7:05 pm

      Thank you cleverlittlemiss,

      Parks should be reserved for old people. Young people can go play on the damned freeway.

      Best regards and thanks for dropping by.

      Don

      • cleverlittlemiss permalink
        11:51 pm

        I am actually a young Miss, but I don’t fit into any of the above so I think I’m doing pretty good.

  20. 3:04 pm

    Mr. Mills- Thank you for making me laugh! I have been lurking in the background here for a few months.
    You may find it uplifting to know that SOME young people have been brought up according to the old tried and true methods. My son and his wife are both active duty Master Sergeants- Of course, I was never afraid of the authorities.

    • 7:08 pm

      Many thanks ProudMilitaryMom and welcome,

      I’m delighted to hear that your son and his wife have been brought up with some damned morals, discipline and common sense. You have every right to be proud. Well done.

      Best regards and thanks for commenting. Appreciate it.

      Don

  21. 3:05 pm

    You had me at “Assclown”.

  22. 3:59 pm

    I feel like I have improved since I only fit 3 of those categories anymore.

    • 7:13 pm

      Nice to hear from you Bearman,

      Since you’re not forthcoming with which of the 3 categories you fit into, I suppose I’ll have to guess. Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

      1) Standing on old people’s lawns (you seem the type – no offence)
      2) Spray painting (I’m fairly confident on this one)
      3) Skateboard riding (you might be a bit old for this but I have a hunch it fits)

      How’d I do?

      All the best,

      Don

  23. Lynn permalink
    8:06 pm

    ah don. i do love your posts but i have to inform you that junkies don’t smoke reefer, potheads do! well i guess junkies could smoke reefer but mostly they’re looking to chase the dragon or crank one up.

    fondly, lynn

    • 9:15 pm

      Thank you Lynn,

      I appreciate the clarification. I admit I’m still confused though. I thought the potheads were junkies who were puffing the magic dragon…not chasing it or attempting to crank it manually.

      Things were much easier when people just drank gin and tonic and smoked unfiltered cigarettes.

      Always a pleasure to have you stop in. Thanks again for keeping me on the straight and narrow.

      Best regards,

      Don

  24. 10:09 pm

    Wow. You’re like Dr. Seuss, only better.

    • 3:23 pm

      Thank you Robin.

      I always enjoyed the star bellied sneetches. A damned fine read.

      All the best,

      Don

  25. 12:29 am

    Don,

    This is quite possibly one of the most best rap songs I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. Suspicious rashes, fatness-induced gout; it’s like you’ve taken the young person’s communication method of choice (behind sexting, texting and grunting, of course) and used it to warn them of the dangers they will face if they continue to be themselves.

    Pretty, powerful, really.

    On that note, I was wondering if you’d ever consider collaborating with this guy- http://www.fredwalkermusic.com/ . Fred specializes in music for Seniors and has a double CD out called “Songs We Can’t Forget” (ignore the ridiculous irony, his agent at the time didn’t have faith in his music and recommended he go straight for the cheap belly laughs).

    The only reason I bring it up is because as it turns out he’s pretty talented. (Trust me, I know. My batty Grandmother has given me the same album for my last four birthdays.) And with your mad rapping skillz and his ukulele, harmonica/autoharp/or another fun instrument, I think you guys could really push the boundaries of age-appropriate music. Don’t you?

    Anyway, think about it. You have a gift, Don, and I’d hate to see it go to waste on those fatso gout-infested kids and junkies who spend their days giving their mothers guff.

    Your friend,
    Bschooled.

    • 3:34 pm

      Thank you Bschooled,

      I hadn’t considered the possibility of rapping my little poem but upon reflection can see that it may lend itself to that particular form of delivery. If I loosen my suspenders purchase a ball cap I should be all set to perform. I’m thinking Snoop Donny might be a decent enough name.

      Fred seems like an interesting chap but I don’t care for the way his web site fades in (it has a ghostly quality to it) and besides I won’t work with anyone under 70 – you can’t trust their motives.

      Regardless, I appreciate the link and the encouragement. If I do record a record album I think I’ll all it “Too Legit to Bingo” and will be sure to dedicate the first song to you.

      All the best,

      Don

  26. 11:24 am

    You know, Don, this should be made into a book.

    It could be titled “Uncle Don’s Alphabet Primer for God-damned Young People”.

    They oughta make it mandatory reading for Grade 7 English.

    • 3:35 pm

      Many thanks Friar,

      I like the sound of that very much. Has a nice ring to it. I’ll forward your comment on to the nincompoops at the Department of Education for their consideration.

      All the best,

      Don

  27. 1:54 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    I didn’t know that you were a poet too:)
    I hope one of those adult education geniuses (such as the ones who engage in educating adults who never bothered to educated themselves when they were younger) chances upon this one – and pays you to use the poem for helping such adults learn the Alphabet. You could put that money to good use by putting up another “Off my Grass” board on your lawn.

    Warm Regards,
    Shafali

    • 3:36 pm

      Many thanks Shafali,

      I’m always looking for additonal lawn signage and if this could raise some money to help I’d be all for it. I appreciate the kind words and hope you’re keeping well.

      Warm regards,

      Don

  28. 3:17 am

    WOW…that was Overwhelming and funny too – glad I found your blog

    • 3:37 pm

      Many thanks Wicked Stepmother,

      I’m glad you found me too. Thanks for visiting. Hope to hear from you again.

      Don

  29. 8:12 pm

    haluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…………….

  30. pcfrend permalink
    8:25 pm

    Loved the poetry Don!
    Keep up the good work

    pcfrend

    • 3:38 pm

      Thank you pcfrend,

      Nice to hear from you. Hope you’re keeping well and not too busy at work.

      Don

  31. 3:31 pm

    Absolutely fantastic! Haven’t laughed that hard in a while! I think we might live in the same neighborhood…
    Molly

    • 3:45 pm

      Thank you Molly and welcome.

      Glad you enjoyed the poem. Any chance you were awoken at 2 a.m. last night by a gaggle of young people screaming about how “effing awesome” they were going to be once they learned to play instruments and started a band? Because if so, we may be neighbors.

      All the best,

      Don

  32. 9:36 pm

    Hi Don:

    Loved the poem.

    I’m thinking you must have met one of my kids.

    Are you in Boston, Massachusetts or Boulder, Colorado?

  33. Montecristo permalink
    4:03 pm

    Haha this was hilarious, and what was better you actually had the skill to put it into poetry and I really enjoyed the format. Keep blogging sir for all of us. Can’t get through the day without reading your blog.

  34. 9:29 pm

    I think I have fallen in love.

  35. 11:40 pm

    The only thing better than the ABCs is AAA-plus, which is what i am giving you for this rhyming splendor (thats Awesome Assclown Application, in case you are wondering…)

  36. harrythehandyman permalink
    9:39 pm

    i love it don, if you wrote this it took some thought , for and old man🙂

  37. 1:07 pm

    I was introduced to your blog yesterday and this is the first one I’ve read. Just wanted you to know I WILL BE BACK! I so want to print out your little poem and hand it out to people at my job but I know I would get fired. Maybe I could just slide it under people’s windshield wipers in the parking lot! Great job, Don!

    • York Mills permalink
      10:46 pm

      My brother is out of town, Vicki. So I will say a quick thank you on his behalf.

      Hee hee…

  38. lianamerlo permalink
    11:48 pm

    You are brilliant.

  39. 4:51 am

    I love it! I used to think that A was for an Apple🙂 If I ever have ti teach alphabet, I will definitely use yours, if you do not mind!

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