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Help for Seniors? There’s no Damned App for that!

My friend Hubert Brockington was recently given an Iphone. Unfortunately, it broke after he took some photos with the damned thing and tried to remove the film.

Before it fell apart he was showing the boys at the seniors centre all of “apps” that came with it and I couldn’t help but notice that there wasn’t a single damned one that had any relevance to seniors.

I’ve written the hipster pinheads at Apple and suggested that if they want to crack the seniors market they should consider developing some old folk friendly software. Things like:

The Seniors Weather App

Old people don’t give a rat’s ass about humidex readings, barometric pressure or fancy Fahrenheit temperatures. We need an app that will gauge conditions and tell us in plain language that “it’s raining cats and dogs, cold as blue blazes and that the wind cuts through you like a knife.” That’s a weather forecast we can dress for.

The 4% Gratuity Calculator App

I’m tired of taking an abacus with me every time I go out for a meal. I’d like an app that allows me to plug in the cost of my supper and then automatically calculates a reasonable 4% tip. The app should always “round down” and have the ability to be reset to 3% or lower if my soup was watery or my waiter had a nose ring and gave me some sass.

The Young Person to Senior Translation App

I can’t understand anything these damned young people say and desperately need an app that will translate moronic greetings like “Yo cappy wuzzup nig” into the proper English phrase “Hello, sir, how are you today?” It may not close the generation gap but at least I’ll be able to tell if someone is asking me for directions or trying to mug me.

The Rotary Phone Dial App

Just so old folks can actually use the thing for its intended purpose – as a damned telephone.

The Forward your Joke Emails App

Seniors love funny emails but manually forwarding them to everyone we’ve ever met can be extremely time consuming. I’d like a little app that seeks out adorable cat photos, amusing knock-knock jokes, positive affirmations and then forwards them to all of the people in my address book automatically – and repeatedly.

The Where the Hell did I put my Glasses App

I’d also like to see companion applications for lost house keys, pocket watches, socks and upper partials.

The Safe Speed Driving App

I’d propose an application that will alert seniors anytime they come within 10 miles per hour of the posted speed limit so that they can take stock and slow back down to a respectable 37 mph (highway) or 27 mph (city). Safety first, damn it.

The Sources of Dietary Fiber App

I need my dietary fiber but can never remember if I should be consuming apples or Apple Jacks, kidney beans or kidney pie, rye bread or rye whiskey in order to get it.

The Bea Arthur Pin-up App (Mature Content)

Racy, granted, and not entirely to my taste but the boys at the senior’s center are clamoring for it and would gladly part with 99 cents in order to see some tasteful swimwear snaps of the lovely Bea Arthur.

The Crazy LeSabre App (Game)

A variation on that damned crazy taxi game only with seniors behind the wheel mowing down all forms of miscreant young people.

The Get off my Lawn App

A simple app that detects when damned young people are walking on your lawn and then notifies you, law enforcement and transmits their coordinates to killer satellites that immediately incinerate the little bastards with all manner of space-aged laser beams. (Note: may need to vet through legal).

The Remind me why I spent $300 on this damned IPhone App

Just because at some point you’re going to have to ask yourself why you wasted your savings on some moronic toy when you have a perfectly good telephone sitting at home.

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76 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:11 am

    You struck me as the Angela Lansbury type.

    • 9:07 pm

      Many thanks morethananelectrician,

      As I said, the Bea Arthur app wasn’t entirely to my taste but the lads at the seniors centre were quite adamant. They love their golden girls. While I don’t approve of pornography or lurid photos in general, if I had to pick a woman for this kind of “app”, it would likely have been more in the Audrey Hepburn/Lauren Bacall ball park. Both were damned handsome women.

      All the best, lad, and thanks for stopping in.


      • Sedate Me permalink
        3:26 pm

        Betty White still does something for me. Too many Mary Tyler Moore Show re-runs, perhaps.

  2. 12:46 am

    This opens up a whole new world of possibilities! I wouldn’t mind a “Do your homework” app that gives kids a good jolt through their phones when they procrastinate on their summer assignments.

    Love all your appps, Don!

    • 9:09 pm

      Many thanks Robin,

      Nothing like a small amount of electroshock therapy to motivate the damned young people. Perks them right the hell up.

      When I hear back from the pinhead hipsters at apple I’ll be sure to recommend this one as well.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.


  3. 12:54 am

    For easy viability, I suggest 4 large icons per screen rather than 16 0r 20 tiny ones. Furthermore, the name of each app should be read aloud in the soothing and trustworthy tones of Walter Cronkite. Lastly, it should double as a medic-alert bracelet, with all your pertinent medical info engraved on the back.

    As always, Mr. Mills, the manufacturers of America are missing out on a key demographic age.

    • 9:18 pm

      My sincere thanks Bmj2k,

      Brilliant suggestions one and all. Those damned pups at Apple would be wise to take your advice. If they could successfully combine large print apps with Mr. Cronkite’s voice and lists of important personal health concerns you’d see old folks un-stuffing their mattresses from coast to coast and fighting to be the first on their block to buy one. They could call it the Iphone 3S (Sensible Senior Series).

      Wonderful ideas!

      All the best,


  4. 1:04 am

    Oh, I want that lawn one. But wait! I don’t have an iPhone and have never for a moment thought I needed one.

    • 8:26 am

      I don’t have a lawn 😦

    • 10:18 pm

      Thank you sledpress.

      I’ve never seen the need for one either but I have to admit that if they managed to develop an interface with killer satellites I’d be happy to part with the cash.

      All the best,


      Nursemyra – that’s a shame. Nothing like a little piece of lawn to lift a man’s (or woman’s) spirits.

  5. 1:26 am

    My son has an ipod touch and one of the apps is a virtual lighter. WTH?! Now these young people are too lazy to flick their Bic at a rock concert? What is the world coming to? It’s ridiculous to think of a swarm of young people holding their ipods & iphones up during a heartfelt rendition of ‘Freebird’.

    Oh, and good luck firing up the bong with a virtual lighter.


    • 10:40 pm

      Thank you Yellowcat.

      Virtual lighter? There’s a damned brainwave. It’s no wonder that they can’t find a damned cure for my lumbago – all of our scientific research is tied up coming up with asinine apps designed to save young people from singing their delicate fingers.

      Idiots indeed. God help us all.

      Best regards,


      • Sedate Me permalink
        3:39 pm

        You are absolutely correct on that point, Mr Mills.

        The majority of what little intelligence is left in America is directed towards inventing ways for people to waste ever increasing amounts of time & money on toys and turning them into even more passive, mindless, consumers of things than they already are.

  6. 1:34 am

    I picture you the Betty Page type. Maybe Bacall Or Monroe. I tend towards then personaly

    Yeah my Cellphone doesn’t even have Camera Phone attahcment

    Oh, Mystsong is coming to stay with mw tyhree weeks starting Wensday!

    • 10:48 pm

      Thank you Rose,

      Delighted to hear that you and mystsong are able to spend some time together. I do hope you both enjoy yourselves tremendously.

      All the best,


  7. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    2:07 am


    I think bmj2k has the right idea. I would also propose a bathroom app (conveyed via GPS which would also provide the state of occupancy of said stalls). A lifesaver! The geometric shapes created by the childhood game ‘Cat’s Cradle’ visually sums up my public zig-zagging excursions to relieve myself. There is nothing quite like a steamy piss when one has had to hold it in while hunting down a public restroom (I have an overactive bladder and am not exaggerating my ‘relief’). Yes, I know…TMI!! Funny post, Don!!

    • 10:56 pm

      Thank you Elizabeth,

      A few years ago I likely would have been horrified by this potential application. Through a combination of rigorous training and carefully timed fluid intake I managed to avoid having to use a public washroom for almost 50 years. Sadly, as of late, I’ve found myself with no choice and no alternatives. As such, I share your pain.

      I’ll recommend your app to the folks at Apple when they show up with my “R&D” cheque (I’m expecting it momentarily) with the added suggestion that once an empty stall is located by the GPS, a cleaning person is dispatched to tidy the damned thing up before you arrive.

      Honestly, people are damned pigs sometimes.

      All the best, Elizabeth, and thanks for sharing.


  8. 2:38 am

    I think all you need is a window for the weather app and a taser for all the rest of them.

    • 11:01 pm

      Thank you Carol,

      I’m inclined to agree. I doubt the window will catch on though – it’s too primitive.

      A window app, maybe.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting.


  9. 3:10 am


    Angela Lansbury, I could see.

    But Bea Arthur?

    Didn’t she used to be a man?

    • 11:03 pm

      Thank you Friar,

      A man? God Christ. I’d never really considered it but…..

      Even the name is a clue. Use to “be Arthur.” You could be on to something lad.

      Thanks for stopping in, Friar. Always good to hear from you. Fish biting?


    • Sedate Me permalink
      4:07 pm

      She may have been born a woman, but was more of a man than most so-called “men” are today.

  10. cleverlittlemiss permalink
    3:11 am

    Haha I loved this one! I just cannot bring myself to waste my money on an i-phone. It is crazy expensive in my opinion for a phone but I would be intrigued by The Get off my Lawn App.

    • 11:06 pm

      Thank you cleverlittlemiss,

      I agree about the Iphone. I’m just hoping they can hook that “Get off my Lawn” app up to my rotary phone or make it a ham radio option.

      Best regards,


  11. 3:11 am


    Me again.

    The rotary dial phone ap is a great idea. Unfortunately, someone already thought of it.

    • 11:07 pm

      Thanks Friar,

      Damned geeks.

      Too bad. I was hoping to make a raise a little cash. The bingo cards have been running cold for a while now and the LeSabre needs an oil change.

      Appreciate your letting me know.


  12. 3:39 am

    forget the apps. wait until they put a turn signal on the phone. you get your choice of right or left turn. of course, it never goes off.

    • 11:13 pm

      Thank you Nonnie,

      That’s an excellent idea. You can’t be too cautious when signalling – or provide too much notice. My LeSabre is indicating a right hand turn at this very moment and I don’t plan taking it out of the garage until Wednesday of next week. Safety first damn it.

      All the best, Nonnie.



  13. 3:41 am

    Hi Mr. Mills,

    I think a cheap breakfast app would do well, GPS based of course so anywhere you are you can find a cheap breakfast.


    • 8:28 am

      Because senior citizens always need a fibre filled breakfast at 5:00 am

    • 11:15 pm

      Thank you Cass,

      I do enjoy a good (and inexpensive breakfast). I’d also expands that app’s GPS to find inexpensive socks, fresh biscuits, and marked down cheese.

      A fine suggestion. Many thanks


  14. 5:15 am

    Mr Mills,

    As always, I like your style. I’ve just accused my husband of having an affair with his own iPhone-a-like over on my own blog. I’d like an app to give him an electric shock every time he checks his email or the news headlines at an inappropriate moment (for example, when I’m trying to engage him in a lively discussion about the coin deposit system for trolleys at the local shopping centre – That shit’s important. Mark. My. Words)

    Best of health to you,

    The NDM

    • 11:43 pm

      Wonderful to hear from you NDM,

      Keep an eye on that husband of yours. It sounds like he might be up to no good. You don’t want to end up like my former neighbour, Viola Cosgrove. Her husband was always reading the newspapers and while she assumed it was so that he could keep up on current events it turned out he was a compulsive gambler. He was more interested in the results of the 3rd race at Woodbine than he was the moon landing or Nixon’s foreign policy. He lost everything they owned and then took off to Florida to try his luck with the dog races. Damned fool. Viola was a good woman. Made a hell of a tollhouse and decent gin and tonic too.

      And I couldn’t agree more about the coin deposit and return system on those damned shopping carts. I swear I’ve lost 6 quarters to those infernal machines this year alone. Feel free to call or email me anytime you wish to engage in some lively discussion about them. I have strong feelings on the issue.

      So nice of you to stop in. Give my best to your damned sprogs and shock your husband once for me too.

      Best regards,


  15. 7:10 am

    Great work on ‘bridging the gap’; bringing the ‘new’ technology to the ‘old’ people….

    I live in a high density senior suburb and so I would love to suggest something that helps these folk figure out what the hell everyone else is up to, because one thing I have noticed about our local seniors is that they are very interested in other people’s activities, but are usually too shy to ask, or to strike up a conversation, preferring to instead stay on their porch and stare. And stare. And stare. So it would be great if their was an app that gave them a little sneak peak into the lives of others without having to keep up all that staring, or ending up resorting to reality TV….

    • 12:21 am

      Many thanks Rubytwoshoes,

      I won’t speak for all old people but personally I’m not interested in anyone else’s damned life. In fact, rather than find out more about people, I’d prefer if they tried to keep the mundane details of their lives a little more private.

      Having said that, I regularly sit on my porch and stare at people. Sometimes I glare, often I scowl, on occasion I sneer but usually I stare.

      I think I do this for the same reason that a dog will sit in the window and stare out at the street. Not because it gives a crap about what fashion of leash other dogs are wearing or because they’re interested in understanding other how other dogs are living their lives but, rather, because they want every other damned beast in the area to know that this is their house and that no one best mess with it.

      When I am sitting on my porch staring at people I’m sending a clear message:

      I was here first, aren’t planning to leave and have my eye on you – so watch your damned step.

      All the best Rubytwoshoes,


      • Sedate Me permalink
        4:31 pm

        Front porches? Yeah, I remember hearing my Grandmother talk about them. They stopped building them sometime in the 70’s, didn’t they?

        Nearly all house facades built today are garage doors with porchless, little people doors on the side.

  16. 11:15 am

    I need that find your glasses app and I’m not even old yet.

    Great post, Don! Especially the last app. . .

    • 12:25 am

      Thank you healingmagichands,

      It’s frustrating but I’ve always been absented minded when it comes to things like glasses. Even when I was a lad my old mom always made sure my mittens had “idiot strings.” (That’s what she called the string that connected the mittens and ran up the sleeves of your coat to make sure you didn’t lose them.)

      all the best,


  17. 12:42 pm

    These all sound like wonderful ideas Don. EXCEPT for the Joke forwarding app. My mother in law would clog up my email with that damn thing.

    • 12:28 am

      Thank you Bearman,

      I need to be careful about how much I reveal but, trust me, it’s no accident. It’s all part of a grand senior conspiracy to clog the internet to the point of total collapse. It’s coming…

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.


  18. 1:01 pm

    I see that you are back to your old form Don, no pun intended. These are all magnificent ideas and frankly given your impressive cognitive abilities, amazing creativity and ability to surprisingly ‘think outside the box’ it is astounding that you are not a multi-millionaire by now. If you could just get a decent young person (perhaps someone with the manners and respect of a Bob Trusty) with extensive technical knowhow you would be able to put some of these awesome apps into action.

    Just think of how much more your lousy relatives will regret their poor decisions once they realize that your millions, not thousands, went to the dachshund rescue league! A small cut to me only seems fitting.

    • 1:14 pm

      Yo, Don . . . over here . . . me too.

      • 1:21 am


        You can choose between a cardigan, my confiscated baseball collection or the left over egg salad in the fridge. All prized items.


    • 1:19 am

      Many thanks Scott,

      That young Bob Trusty is one of the few young people I would trust but since he appears to be better suited to constructing ant farms than supercomputers I suppose I’m just out of luck. It’s a shame too. I don’t covet the millions but as you point out, the richer I get the sweeter the revenge when the money flows through to the Hamishview Home Wayward Wiener Dogs (Dayton Chapter).

      Without the millions your cut is less than impressive but I’ll try to make up for by leaving you one of my old fedoras. Call it a hunch but I think it might suit you.

      All the best,


  19. 1:13 pm

    I remember my mother telling me it never got as cold as it did now. When I asked her why, she replied, “Well, back then we never had wind chill.” And that should still hold true, but these damn youngsters today want info overload, not that they’ll remember 3% of any of it. Of course my mom, three months after moving her to Missouri from southern cal after dad passed, said, “Well Johnny, I finally figured out what that smell is.” What’s that I asked. “Fresh air!” she replied. And so it was 🙂

    • 1:24 am

      Thanks for that Jammer.

      There’s nothing quite like a mother’s wisdom is there. I’ll have to remember that wind chill remark – it’s a damned keeper.

      All the best, Jammer.


  20. 1:58 pm

    Apps I want to see when I am a senior:

    1- Nap App (Notifies others that I am about to take a nap and can’t be bothered)
    2- Bingo App – It scans Bingo cards and automatically tells you where on the card the number is so you don’t waste time looking for the number or accidentally miss it.

    • 1:29 am

      Many thanks Ahmnodt,

      I think the Nap App may be of particular use. Similiar logic (and ryhming) could be used to package it with the Crap App.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.


  21. 2:02 pm

    Don, you’ve truly outdone yourself. It’s like one of those classic shows I used to watch when dad was into the beer, laughing like a loon when Harvey Korman and Tim Conway got together, or the Smothers Brothers were in the zone.

    You think they certainly couldn’t be any funnier, but the next show is even better.

    So I’m just gushing, because this is outrageously funny genius material, and you are the master. I seriously pulled a laugh muscle out of whack. To put it as a young punk, “You spin the jankin’ weebies offa shine-a lowride yo.”

    Fantastic post!!!

    • 1:31 am

      You’re far too kind, Dan.

      Assuming, of course, that “You spin the jankin’ weebies offa shine-a lowride yo” doesn’t actually mean ‘You’re a tiresome old bastard who really needs to shut the Hell up now.”

      Thanks for stopping in Dan.


      • 3:13 pm

        It either means “You’re king of the boulevard,” or “Time for a ham and cheese on rye”. I forget which . . .

  22. 2:22 pm

    Yo gramps, that translation app would be the shiznit!

    • 1:33 am

      Thank you Marissa,

      Without the app I can only assume shiznit is a small dog, a troublesome pimple or the name of a Russian Cosmonaut.

      Regardless of which is correct, I thank you.


  23. 7:12 pm

    How about the ‘In my day…’ app? It could take any modern day scenario as recounted by a youth and convert it into a moralistic tale involving hardship, an honest day’s graft, respect, honour and a clip around the ear.
    One should never waste an opportunity to put the young straight about matters, and God knows they could do with the guidance.

    • 1:37 am

      A wonderful suggestion Mrs. Black,

      I actually had the “In My Day” app under consideration in early drafts but was unable to encapsulate its intent as clearly and succinctly as you’ve done. My thanks for that. I think it would be a damned fine app and will add it my list of demands from those maladjusted nincompoops at Apple.

      All the best,


  24. Blue permalink
    10:16 pm


    A fine catalog of useful apps to be sure.

    However, the app I’d like to see is a cell phone converter app – one that gets rid of the camera, the internet connections, the million and one ring tones (okay maybe not the ring tones I really like my Cardinal [the bird not the Catholic honcho] and we don’t have them in the neck of the woods in which I now reside) and the texting so it operates as a damn phone – period.

  25. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    3:52 am

    The remind me why app is the best app ever.

  26. 3:19 pm

    and don’t you think an app that tells you which restaurants serve the best early bird specials would be extremely helpful?

  27. 8:53 pm

    Dear Sir

    I am pleased to inform you that the Weather App for Seniors does, in fact, exist.

    It is called Rainy Free.

    It’s options are simple:
    – Yes
    – No

  28. 9:52 pm

    I just heard from Andy Borowitz that Apple released a new app that turns Fox News into news.

    You might want to look into that one.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      4:36 pm

      Wow! I didn’t think that was even possible.

  29. lily permalink
    3:25 pm

    You aren’t really an old fart, are you, Don? This site and your persona are your gimmicks.

  30. 12:32 am

    Don –

    This is some truly amazing stuff you’ve got there, with this iPhone and its multiple settings, all of which can be easily mismanaged into locking you out of your own system. And, oddly enough, I’m dealing with phone issues of my own back at the site, but mine are more tethered to reality. Reality and rusty tin cans connected via thick yarn and tetanus shots.

    I enjoyed them all and I sincerely hope your leap into the budding “app” market takes off. If nothing else, the world needs more “apps,” or so I’ve been told via the advertisements.

    But 4%? Really? Has tipping really escalated that much over the past several decades? I don’t go out much anymore, thanks to several lifelong bans acquired over the years, but from what I remember, tipping was considered a gauche display of disposable income, more likely to contribute to gum-smacking displays of juvenile near-delinquency than to reassure your waitress that her service was adequate.

    In fact, during my early years as a non-banned diner, tipping was completely unheard of. If your service wasn’t immaculate, you were more than welcome to berate the line cook, question the mental aptitude of your server and steal the silverware. The service was expected to be prompt and emotionless, much like the meal was expected to be bland and serviceable.

    We were one step away from being able to garnish wages for waiter/waitress missteps when an intervention by a Democratic majority resulted in the Minimum Wage Act and various other added clauses that not only removed our right to holler invective at the staff, but gave them a renewed sense of vigor and brotherhood that saw the employees turning the tables on the customers and looking, no… expecting a tip in return.

    Obviously this added wrinkle left us nonplussed and forcing us to eat more meals at home. With our families. Something had to be done.

    Some fellow diners and I held back the expected tip one night at the local steakhouse and rather than being lauded as folk heroes, we were torn apart (mainly verbally) by the on-duty staff. A long discussion ensued, with various ridiculous percentages tossed about by the staff (15%?? 20%??? Automatic gratuities????), who felt empowered by their reckless spending of other peoples’ money.

    Shortly thereafter, I took my business elsewhere, returning home at long last for a home-cooked meal, which was nowhere to be found as the sixties were in full swing and liberated women were off doing underclothed things elsewhere, leaving the husbands and the children to fend for themselves.

    Long story short: Vietnam.

    This is what happens when the inmates are allowed to run the asylum, rather than serve mediocre food with a mediocre attitude. Keep that in mind as you’re adding 15% to your total, with or without the aid of a calculator/unscrupulous waitron.

    Thanks for the laughs and apps, Don. Truly a wonderful post, already climbing the chart towards the top of my “Favorites” list.

    C.L. Tanager

  31. 1:41 am

    Hi Mr. Mills,

    I am still struggling with my cellphone and I haven’t understood half its functions yet! Those applications for Seniors – well maybe you could also add an adjustable volume AMPLIFIER that would amplify not only the sounds that come from the iPhone but also from other places in the house, an emergency dialer that would dial the number of the dog-catchers whenever a damned young person is found on your grass, a “see your younger self” mirror…

    I am thinking…I am thinking…
    And I am waiting and hoping…you know:)

    Warm Regards,

  32. Dr Tim permalink
    7:59 pm

    Dear Don

    Thanks for keeping us up to speed with technological developments.

    I’m concerned to note the abolition of rotary dials and wonder how the damn things function without them? Given your evident, and impressive, knowledge in this area, I wonder if you could elaborate a little for the benefit of us less techno-savvy seniors?

    With very best regards, as ever

    Dr Tim

  33. Dr Tim permalink
    8:14 pm

    Dear Don

    An afterthought: might we have a “time to go to the bathroom before it is too late” app?

    You know where I’m coming from? … as the young people used to say during the 1960s.

    Very best

    Dr Tim

  34. Evil Editor permalink
    12:52 am

    I prefer my rotary telephones to my cellular telephones, because I can clearly hear what’s being said.

  35. 2:02 am

    what’s an i phone?

    • Sedate Me permalink
      4:41 pm

      It is an expensive waste of time that ultimately warps your life so that it’s at the centre of it.

  36. 11:35 pm

    Thanks all for your comments.

    My apologies for not responding directly to each of you but I’ve been experiencing some technical difficulties and napping a great deal. I do appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts.

    All the best and, once again, my apologies.


  37. 11:40 am

    people are stupid

  38. 12:59 am

    “We need an app that will gauge conditions and tell us in plain language that “it’s raining cats and dogs, cold as blue blazes and that the wind cuts through you like a knife.””

    I thought old people already had that app? It’s called an “app”endage, – their left knee.


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