Help for Seniors? There’s no Damned App for that!
My friend Hubert Brockington was recently given an Iphone. Unfortunately, it broke after he took some photos with the damned thing and tried to remove the film.
Before it fell apart he was showing the boys at the seniors centre all of “apps” that came with it and I couldn’t help but notice that there wasn’t a single damned one that had any relevance to seniors.
I’ve written the hipster pinheads at Apple and suggested that if they want to crack the seniors market they should consider developing some old folk friendly software. Things like:
The Seniors Weather App
Old people don’t give a rat’s ass about humidex readings, barometric pressure or fancy Fahrenheit temperatures. We need an app that will gauge conditions and tell us in plain language that “it’s raining cats and dogs, cold as blue blazes and that the wind cuts through you like a knife.” That’s a weather forecast we can dress for.
The 4% Gratuity Calculator App
I’m tired of taking an abacus with me every time I go out for a meal. I’d like an app that allows me to plug in the cost of my supper and then automatically calculates a reasonable 4% tip. The app should always “round down” and have the ability to be reset to 3% or lower if my soup was watery or my waiter had a nose ring and gave me some sass.
The Young Person to Senior Translation App
I can’t understand anything these damned young people say and desperately need an app that will translate moronic greetings like “Yo cappy wuzzup nig” into the proper English phrase “Hello, sir, how are you today?” It may not close the generation gap but at least I’ll be able to tell if someone is asking me for directions or trying to mug me.
The Rotary Phone Dial App
The Forward your Joke Emails App
Seniors love funny emails but manually forwarding them to everyone we’ve ever met can be extremely time consuming. I’d like a little app that seeks out adorable cat photos, amusing knock-knock jokes, positive affirmations and then forwards them to all of the people in my address book automatically – and repeatedly.
The Where the Hell did I put my Glasses App
The Safe Speed Driving App
I’d propose an application that will alert seniors anytime they come within 10 miles per hour of the posted speed limit so that they can take stock and slow back down to a respectable 37 mph (highway) or 27 mph (city). Safety first, damn it.
The Sources of Dietary Fiber App
The Bea Arthur Pin-up App (Mature Content)
Racy, granted, and not entirely to my taste but the boys at the senior’s center are clamoring for it and would gladly part with 99 cents in order to see some tasteful swimwear snaps of the lovely Bea Arthur.
The Crazy LeSabre App (Game)
The Get off my Lawn App
A simple app that detects when damned young people are walking on your lawn and then notifies you, law enforcement and transmits their coordinates to killer satellites that immediately incinerate the little bastards with all manner of space-aged laser beams. (Note: may need to vet through legal).
The Remind me why I spent $300 on this damned IPhone App