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Don Mills Saves America: Part Four – Capital Punishment

I don’t usually weigh in on political issues but this damned country of ours is driving me to distraction and it’s time someone got it sorted out.

So, for the benefit of any politician who happens across this blog (I use the terms “earmarks”, “baby kissing” and “wedge issue” as tags quite regularly) I am outlining simple steps that can be taken to help create a better America.

Today, I tackle the thorny issue of capital punishment.

I’m a big supporter of capital punishment – but most old folks are. It’s partly because we’ve seen a lifetime’s worth of reprehensible human behaviour and are sick to death of it, and partly because we just enjoy outliving other people.

What stumps me about capital punishment is why the hell we don’t do more of it.  Personally, I’d like to open up the criteria a little and start offing sex offenders, miscreants, whoremongers, chicken thieves, telemarketers, investment bankers, the cast of Full House and whoever the hell has been stealing my newspaper and peeing on my rhododendron. If we’re going to kill people let’s do it right and start cleaning house damn it.

Sure, we may dispatch the occasional innocent man but when you think about it, how many people are really innocent anyway? Chances are if you don’t have the financial resources to defend yourself in a court of law you’re likely guilty of something. And besides, as my old dad always said “if justice is blind you can’t always expect it to pick the right person out of a line-up.”

In fact, my only beef about the death penalty is that we’re too damned inefficient at getting it done. Why the hell does it take so long to get someone from the court docket to the electrical socket? Last time I checked, all you needed in order to kill someone was a length of rope, a sturdy maple tree and a small but bloodthirsty crowd.

But people sit on death row for decades filing appeal after appeal. They’re more likely to die of legal injunction than lethal injection. The only thing we’re killing is time and frankly, I’m tired of my tax dollars being used to house shifty nogoodnicks when it would be better applied to lowering prescription drug costs or reintroducing a monkey-based space program.

It’s this kind of inefficiency that brought down the big four automakers for Christ’s sake. You don’t see the Chinese, Iraqis or Saudi Arabians wasting time appealing sentences – they cut more heads off by 9 a.m. then we do all day. 

In my view, we need to speed things along. Let’s have the juries pass judgment and carry out the sentence themselves. Not only is it fast but people might be more inclined to do their civic duty and sit through an 8-week trial if they thought they’d have a chance to stone some felonious bastard to death afterward.

Look, if we want to return to being a civil society it’s time to start behaving like one. We need to muster up some backbone, stop dragging our feet and turn our 50 States back into the well-oiled death machines our forefathers intended them to be.

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85 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:06 am

    Sorry about the rhododendron…I had to go and I was still a few miles away from home. Those gas station bathrooms are bio-hazards.

    I will make restitution if you will take payment in a fine scotch.

    • 12:31 pm

      Thank you morethananelectrician,

      Scotch would be a nice start but I’ll need that bush replaced too. It’s suffered the same pee-soaked death as my mock orange and spirea. Honestly, if people are insistent on taking a damned leak on my lawn why don’t they target my dandelions instead? They may as well put their urine to good use and kill a weed or two.

      I’ll be watching my mailbox.

      All the best,

      Don

  2. 12:15 am

    If there were any real justice in the world, we’d enact Capitol punishment. I’m sure there’s plenty of lamp posts and rope in D.C. to hang all the horse thieves there.

    • 12:51 pm

      Thank you Joan,

      I can’t stand a horse thief. That’s why I gave up on horse ownership once and for all. It seemed every time I popped into the J.C. Penney to browse for socks some no-good miscreant would make off with my Appaloosa.

      I tried using “the club” but the horse didn’t like it and it proved rather inefficient at deterring crime.

      Best regards,

      Don

  3. 12:33 am

    Geez, Mr. Mills, what do you think about the recent execution by firing squad in Utah? I guess we’re getting a lot more civilized now, huh?

    • 12:56 pm

      Many thanks Pamela,

      More civilized by the moment. Thankfully, I’m sure we’ll have ample opportunity for further debate on this issue in the days and weeks to come – I’m confident that at least 2 or 3 television networks must be considering producing a movie of the week based on this story.

      All the best,

      Don

  4. Shafali permalink
    1:54 am

    Mr. Mills,

    You are a genius. I wish you could re-write the capital punishment law for not just the 50 American states but the whole damn world!

    It really makes me mad to see how those blood-splattering, splatter-licking murderers sit cozy and safe, laughing that the foolish public that pays for their luxuries. I am glad that you mentioned the politicians as your target audience – I’d say some of them should also figure on your list.

    I think that if we do away with corporal punishment for kids, we’ll have to put our capital punishment machinery in order…the lack of corporal punishment in schools would bring the society to a point where every man or woman would assume that they own the system and that they could do anything and not be punished.

    Have you made a post on the ill-effects of banning corporal punishment (a.k.a caning etc.) in schools, yet?

    Warm Regards,
    Shafali

    • 1:30 pm

      Many thanks Shafali,

      I’ve written fairly extensively about the corporal punishment meted out by both my old mom and dad and the manner in which my grade school teacher, Mrs. Ingersoll, made creative use of a Boswick desk stapler – but I’ve never really addressed the issue itself directly.

      I think I’ve always believed that if parenting were firm but fair – and that if damned young people were raised to understand the notions or respect, decency and proper manners – there really wouldn’t be that much cause for corporal punishment.

      I took my share of cuffs to ear but ultimately it was the fear of letting my old dad down that guided my behavior more than the threat of having him take off his belt and tan my backside.

      All the best and thanks for visiting. I hope you’re keeping well.

      Don

      • 3:30 pm

        Oh Mr. Mills,

        Didn’t you know?

        I am trapped here in 1944… I time-faxed Hitler’s Caricature to my blog a few days ago and I hope to send Gandhi’s soon! I think that both must figure in your list of favorites…don’t they?

        I should be back soon, and in good health I hope. Thanks for asking:)

        Warm Regards,
        Shafali

    • Sedate Me permalink
      5:23 pm

      Forget about “corporal punishment” for school kids. I want Capital Punishment in schools!

      If all those little bastards who beat up kids for lunch money, back-talked to teachers or were just chronic failures were hung from the neck until dead on the basketball hoops and their bodies left to be picked apart by crows and buzzards, we wouldn’t have to deal with adult criminals. Most of them would be weeded out before being unleashed on the rest of society.

      The adult Death Penalty is just crying over spilled milk. The time to act is before they’re strong enough to pull a trigger or outrun a cop. Fry those little bastards before the additional electricity costs become prohibitive.

  5. 2:35 am

    what we need to do is to make the entire justice system a reality show. once someone is convicted of a crime, s/he is thrown into the reality show with some lucky contestants who will decide the fate of the malcontent and carry out the sentence. of course, there will be all the drama of a regular reality show. in fact, we should meld this show with other reality shows. let the convicted person be one of the bachelors. think of the drama while we wait to see if he gets a rose or not. real housewives of sybil brand prison anyone? top chef, where everything has to be cooked on an electric chair, including the last meal. everything will be over and done with in an hour, and we’ll all be able to blog about each show the next day. of course, the best part is that the emmy awards show will be very short, because most of the winners will be dead.

    • 1:30 pm

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      An excellent suggestion. And it would give the end of season “cliff hanger” a whole new meaning. You’d be wise to copyright those ideas, Nonnie. I suspect the time for television programming like the “Real Housewives of Sybil Brand Prison” will soon be at hand.”

      Best regards,

      Don

  6. 2:48 am

    I couldn’t have said it better. By the time someone is finally killed for their crimes, the outrage has died down, and the guilty is portrayed as some loveable teddy bear who took a wrong turn, but now has found God. Good for him/her. I say let them meet him right away. I mean really, Charles Manson has more followers than I do and that’s just not right.

    • 2:42 pm

      Many thanks yellowcat,

      You’re absolutely right.

      Sadly, as a country we have a very short attention span and there always seems to be a newer, flashier killer cropping up on the scene and stealing focus. I say we need to strike while the iron is hot and the outrage is hotter.

      All the best,

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      7:57 pm

      Unfortunately, the delay is meant to keep up the facade that the government killing these individuals is a rational, dispassionate, act that isn’t done based on impulse or irrational emotions like “anger” and “revenge”, even when it is doing just that.

      Sure, the Death Penalty is nothing more than a good old fashioned lynching (and, with the racial stats on the Death Penalty, I mean that quite literally), but the government is all hung up about appearing to be “civilized” as if there is something “civilized” about shooting, hanging, electrocuting, or injecting people with lethal drugs. If there was something civilized about killing people, there would be no point in punishing these killers in the first place!

      No, the Death Penalty is all about the schadenfreude. Delaying things with “due process of law”, killing them in the “most humane way possible” and preventing the executions from being televised just ruins the entertainment value, which is all we really care about. We want to watch people get killed in the most entertaining ways possible. Why do you think Ultimate Fighting and NASCAR are so popular? Take the potential for death out of these things and almost nobody would watch.

      If you’re going to kill them at all, perhaps it should be upon arrest. Imagine all the great shootouts we’d get to see on TV.

  7. 3:16 am

    Thank you for trying, but I still don’t have a position on capital punishment. Some people claim that a serious presidential candidate has to take a position on capital punishment. I am focusing on the issues Americans really care about: Quality affordable entertainment.

    • 2:42 pm

      Many thanks Ahmnodt,

      It’s all about priorities. Still, if you refer to Nonnie’s comments you may be able to find a while to link the two. I’m no Karl Rove but it looks like a vote-getter to me.

      All the best,

      Don

  8. 3:34 am

    I am all for capital punishment. In fact, let’s make it true to it’s name and start with all the “politicians” on Capitol Hill. OK, the spelling is off, but how many average Americans are going to notice? Of course, that brings us to the educational system, which I’m sure you can fix too.

    You have my full support.

    • 2:55 pm

      Many thanks bmj2k,

      I’m sure you’re right. No one is likely to notice the difference and even if they did, I’m sure most would support the change. As for the education system, it’s on my list of things to sort out. It’s time to bring back the 3Rs – reading, writing and rudimentary lawn care.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  9. 3:59 am

    Mr. Mills: Speaking of cutting off heads and chicken thieves…

    It really was a simple oversight on my part. I’d had a very, very long day at work, I was tired, I was hungry, I just wanted to get home and take my shoes off. I really didn’t intend to walk out the KFC restaurant with my 2-item white meat combo without paying. I do hope I am forgiven because I really need this noggin.

    • 4:14 pm

      Many thanks An Unmarried Man,

      Not to worry. But I would advise you use some caution in future. Not only is stealing morally reprehensible but I suspect that regular consumption of a 2-item white meat combo from KFC is its own sort of death sentence. I recommend prune juice, digestive biscuits and tomato sandwiches as part of a well-balanced diet.

      Best regards.

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      8:25 pm

      Sorry dude, but just like border guards can now use a mere admission (real or fictitious) of current/past drug use to block your entry into America,
      http://thetyee.ca/News/2007/04/23/Feldmar/
      the police may now use (real or fictitious) confessions of current/past chicken thievery to arrest and sentence you.

      Once chicken thievery becomes a capital offence, and it will, it’ll be off to the deep fryer with you!

  10. 5:19 am

    Don,

    You’re right about the inefficiencies and endless appeals but you know what really frosts my ass about it – what the hell is capital punishment anyway – are we supposed to coin them to death with gold doubloons or something?

    I propose we change the name to ultimatepunishment – I guess we could modify it to penultimate for those mindless gits who think they’re going to meet their maker when Mother Earth (or the relevant department of corrections) is through with them.

    • 4:58 pm

      Many thanks Blue,

      I quite like the change to “ultimate punishment.” “Xtreme punishment” might be another option worth considering – it would likely get the youngsters enthused and, with a little careful marketing, could income generator for the State as well.

      Thanks for the suggestion and the visit.

      Don

  11. 5:45 am

    Mum says that as soon as capital punishment left the schooling system, the whole planet went to hell in a handbasket. She thinks that thats why i grew up soft!

    So you might very well be onto something, sir!

    Bob

  12. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    6:13 am

    Don – I’m a tree-hugging, PeTA loving, pacifist, vegetarian environmentalist (or basically, someone from Berkeley), but I’ll be first in line to perform my civic duty and extinguish death row inmates lives with my soy patty making, organic, healing hands. Right on!

    • 5:04 pm

      That must be one Hell of a business card Elizabeth.

      Still, nice to know that a tree-hugging, PeTA loving, pacifist, vegetarian environmentalist (or basically, someone from Berkeley) can agree with a tree-chopping, teen-hating, steak-loving, antogonistic, tire-burning old man (or, basically, someone from the old days).

      Right on indeed.

      All the best,

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      8:55 pm

      I don’t get it. How exactly do you plan on killing them? Are you going to massage them to death with those hands?

      Or is the plan to keep them in a room and feed them only healthy, organic, food until decades of self-inflicted dietary abuse that has misshapen their mind & body and stunted their powers of reasoning to the point where a life of crime a seems like “legitimate career choice” is reversed and they are healed? Are you going to make them read books by Noam Chomsky too?

      Shit, if that’s the case, they’ll be killing some of America’s best and brightest! I’m not so sure I can get behind that…unless you’re approaching it from the “Mercy Killing” angle. I can sympathize with that. The number of times I’ve cursed being stuck on this planet full of morons…

  13. The Celtic Queen permalink
    8:04 am

    Don the minute the government took away the rights of the parent to smack their children all hope went out the window. I’m not as old as you but I’d hate to around in another 30 years as I think the world will be a far WORSE place to be when the next brood of rug rats grow up, no not grow up… just age. I posted the other day that in the America they take far too long to execute. It Saddam had made it to America he’ still be on Death Row but no, in his own country where as they put it ” mother’s cry tears of blood and they cut your head off like a snake” things do get done. Whoremongering, well that’s all around us now isn’t it? I even see some of it on the blogs and people want to see more . Some even egging on that type of behaviour. Now that has me puzzled. It that happened in Afghanistan that type of women would be stoned to death anyway. We have double standards here so what do you expect?

    For some reason being a pacifist in my book means that you’d be somehow soft on the idea of capital punishment but I may be wrong.

    I just think we all know right from wrong and my philosophy is that if you’re trying to be the best human being you can possibly be you shouldn’t go too far wrong. Lead your children by example and if your kids turn out like ours you’re truly blessed.
    Mine are 34 and 32 and the worst thing they ever did was tape over my holiday in Yosemite Park and my trip to Alcatraz. I could have killed them but I got over it lol

    I’ll never be able to get that back as they were only 13 and 11 when we made that trip. Still they left me 30 minutes of us learning how to hula dance in Hawaii. Now that’s something to view these days.

    • 8:44 am

      Blahahahaha CQ, in Iran that could near justify a stoning🙂

      • The Celtic Queen permalink
        9:09 am

        I think you could be right there Loon and probably because it wasn’t going too well. I never could get the “lift the heel thing right”. Saddam definitely wouldn’t have been dribbling lol. He’d have put me out of my misery quick smart.

    • 5:47 pm

      Many thanks Celtic Queen,

      I share your assessment that the world will be far worse place when the current crop of indolent young people are finally given the keys to the planet and that people should lead their children by strong example – beginning by instilling youngsters with a decent sense of right and wrong.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  14. 8:47 am

    Bravo Don, bravo. A good job done at saying what needs to be said – that is, we need to cut more people’s heads off, quick smart. I’m all for it and would love to see the criteria widened myself so that it included stupid people with poor fashion sense.
    I can’t wait to see if future installments will see you come to a uniform position on all the issues you have raised of late, something along the lines of forcing immigrants to stone married gay people and chicken thieves to death before you turn them away from your too full shores…

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      9:14 am

      OMG that is sooo funny. The more I read post written by Americans the more I’m relieved to be in Oz even if we do love close to the “KIWIS”

    • 6:02 pm

      Many thanks RubyTwoShoes,

      My list of criteria was, naturally, somewhat abridged. We could certainly expand it to the poorly dressed, political pundits, snake oil salesmen, ageists, loafers and general nincompoops.

      And I must say I like the idea of a uniform position and knitting all these posts together. You may just be on to something there.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  15. 8:50 am

    If we don’t hang them we should at least make them pay. Take Charles Manson for instance, he sits on his butt all day, not a worry in his messed up head of his. He’s fed ,watered and educated. Bet he’s even got better medical than most. That ain’t no punishment. What has he given back to society. Not a god damn thing. Get him taste testing contaminated food, I’m sure Heinz would be grateful!

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      9:16 am

      He’s one that should be dead a long time ago. him and his followers. Ten bucks says he reads this Loon. he probably as access to the internet. Is he on death row or living it up in his Hilton Hotel?

    • 6:03 pm

      Thank you Loon,

      A sensible plan but food testing is too damned soft. If they want to pay a debt to society they could start by mowing my lawn, painting my garage door and re-shingling my roof.

      All the best,

      Don

  16. 1:30 pm

    Don,

    Here is someone you need to meet. I think the two of you could get together on a great way to make this a national pastime that would rivet everyone.
    http://www.doublex.com/blog/xxfactor/death-twitter

    Best, Sled

  17. 2:21 pm

    Well, I tend to agree with you on this one, actually. If we actually carried out our capital punishments, perhaps the juries and DAs would be more careful when rendering verdicts.

    I read a scifi story about a decade ago where the society was not only armed, but armed to the teeth. And the laws of judgment were based on “an eye for an eye.” The hero pops in to the alternate universe at a time when a criminal who has been convicted of a hit and run automotive accident is being punished. He is out on the road, a car exactly like the one he is driving is driven into him at the exact same angle and speed, and then while he lies in the road a stop watch is going. The emergency workers are all there standing by, and when the exact same amount of time as his victim had suffered without attention had passed, then the EMTs step in to help him. Unfortunately, just as it was for his victim, it was too late to save his life.

    The laws of the society were written such that personal responsibility was high on the list. These laws applied only to people capable of accepting responsibility. If you were too young or foolish or disabled, then you wore a brassard that identified you as basically not subject to the laws. If you really pissed someone off, they could shoot you (or run you through with their sword), as long as you did not have the brassard on. There were no legal consequences for this. However, the family or heirs or friends of someone shot for cutting in line in front of you had just as legitimate a right to exact their measure of pissed-off-ness on you. It was an interesting book, and the author’s position was that a society like that would be an extremely polite one.

    Anyway, as a taxpayer I am sick and tired of paying literally hundreds of thousands of dollars to maintain convicted prisoners while they go through the appeals process. Want 100% medical care? Hey, go to prison. I hear they even do heart and kidney transplants for convicted murderers.

    • 11:38 pm

      What is the name of this book?

    • 12:07 pm

      Thank you healingmagichands,

      Sounds like a damned interesting book. I tend to think that the reintroduction of swords would make for a more polite society. People might think twice before tossing their candy wrappers on my lawn if they thought there was a chance I’d run them through with a broad sword.

      And I’d certainly enjoy carrying one. Not only would it come in handy when confronted by damned annoying young people but I could use it to pick up my slippers at home (I have a twitchy back).

      All the best,

      Don

  18. 2:25 pm

    In addition to chicken thieves, telemarketers and investment bankers, I think being an ass-clown should also be a capital offence.

    • 12:07 pm

      Many thanks Friar,

      All I can say is “Amen to that!” The Assclown population could keep the executioners busy for the next decade. All the best.

      Don

  19. 2:27 pm

    Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there (I’m assuming this is you, too, Mr. Mills)!

    And to all the possible children I may or may not have but don’t know about- shame on you for not sending something to your dear, unbeknownst- to-you dad.

    You (may or may not) continue to make this a very not special day for me.

    Caleb

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      1:33 am

      Caleb I’m of the opinion Mother’s Day and Father’s Day in general are just a big wank. My kids bring me joy all year round so I don’t feel that a day set aside for further adulation is necessary. Having said that they still do it even when I protest. I enjoy Christmas, Easter and birthdays much more. There days have true meaning for me. In Australia we make such a big deal about Mother’s Day and Father’s day but it’s about the buck.

      • 12:06 pm

        You’re half right; Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are “wank” as you say, but so are all the rest of them. Christmas, Easter, birthdays too- it’s all a steaming pile of capitalism manure. Find a holiday where you don’t have to buy something and maybe you’ll change my mind, but good luck with that. Eggs, fireworks, gifts, turkeys, cards- there’s always something.

        Granted, I like the time off work and all but as to looking for meaning? I’ll pass. The best I can do is really, really, really enjoy shooting off illegal fireworks in the country out at my dear old pappy’s house.

        It’s the little things in life, right?

    • 12:11 pm

      Thank you Caleb,

      Those unidentified bastard children are always terribly ungrateful. Still, the benefit is that they aren’t sprawled out on your couch in their underpants playing x-box and eating pizza pops.

      Happy belated Father’s Day to you as well.

      Don

  20. 4:59 pm

    We could “accidently” blow-up a super max prison every week. Just have the guards pull a general lockdown and skiddaddle while the bomber is summoned.

    Then release a “heartfelt” apology, while choosing the next target.

    It would
    a) Replicate the killers’ behavior of “Gee I’m sorry I kill people. Oops, I did it again.”
    b) Save tax dollars.
    c) Be wicked entertaining.

    I hope you catch the urinating little bastard (at least he’s well-read).

    • 12:19 pm

      Many thanks Dan.

      Sorry for the delay in responding, Dan. I seem to have eaten some questionable chicken salad and have been off my pegs for the past couple of days.

      That’s a fine idea about blowing up prisons and extremely well presented. (I find it’s almost impossible to argue with bulleted, numbered or alphabetised lists.) Well done.

      Thanks for visiting, Dan. Always good to hear from you.

      Don

      • 10:22 pm

        No problem at all, Don. My wife is fixing some questionable chicken as I type this. Just don’t tell her I said that . . .

  21. 9:03 pm

    Ok, that’s it.

    Don, Seeing as my understanding of US politics is limited to Sen. John McCain and that toe-tapper guy, I’ve tried to stay out of this whole “saving America” business. (I pride myself on never giving my two cents on issues I know nothing about.) But the idea of someone peeing on a poor, defenseless old man’s rhododendron is where I draw the line.

    Now, while I’m not quite sure where the rhododendron is (I’m assuming it’s right below the rectus femoris?), I do know that this activity is meant for someone who’s in to that kind of thing, or at least someone who isn’t already suffering from sexual dysfunction and/or chronic exhaustion.

    This person is a monster, Don, and he needs to be stopped. And when he’s finally caught, and waiting in line for the electric chair (behind DJ Tanner and Joey’s Moose Ears), maybe all of those other pervs out there will finally stop and take notice.

    Always got your (hunched) back,
    Bschooled

    • 12:32 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled,

      I appreciate your outrage. I’m not sure I understand it but that’s not important – a good fit of pique is its own reward. Now, while I’m not quite sure where the rectus femoris is, it might be that thorny thing that’s sprung up between my Coleus and boxwood. I’ll investigate further and report back when I know more.

      Regardless of the outcome, you’re damned right that the person is a monster. And while many suggest that the death penalty isn’t a deterrent, I say people would think twice before whizzing on my Lobelia if they thought they’d fry for it.

      All the best.

      Your friend,

      Don

      • 8:05 pm

        Don, the next guy to drop his pants anywhere NEAR your Lobelia is going to have to answer to ME!!!

        (…Only because I heard it’s not sanitary and I worry about you catching infection.)

  22. 11:43 pm

    1933 Yeah, I’m with you. Kill the fuckers. Exept for the whore mongers. I have no probloems with whores, provided they are regulated for cleanslyness like they are in nevada. Whore mongers being whore costemers, no issue. Besides his wife might kill him any away. Personally for child molesters and rapists, I’m for the , decapitation castration duo, in front of a crowd. If some one sees a head and a cock on a spike in town square and they know why, their not going to have the balls to monkey around.

    Death penalty for a murder is pure logic. They took a persons life away unjustly they forfeit their life.
    Lethal injection is more common than the electric chair because it’s considered less cruel. But really when you think about it, how many of the murders or rapists operated in a “Humane” way? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Hanging is a bit too reminiscent of the Lynch law for me, and burning at the stake is to inquisition.
    I’d vote for firing squad. Presuming the squad can actually get the job done.

    Some people are uncomfortable with killing. But if it was my family or my friends who the guy offed ,hell I’d probably beat the fireing squad to it, if I had a firearm.

    Oh, and Charles Manson. Fuck him. He can go die in a fire wile being consumed by rabid Wolverines. Seriously What did Sharon Tate do!? (I’m a Sharon Tate fan)

    I’m down with Ear, Sinuis Lung infections and a fever, and flunking College Math because I can;t understand the book or my Ghetto teacher, so I’m dishing up my rage here.

    • 12:50 pm

      Many thanks Rose,

      Nothing wrong with a little rage. It’s been fueling my furnace for years now.

      Sorry to hear about your Math course. Hopefully you more than made up for it in your other courses.

      All the best,

      Don

  23. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    12:01 am

    I am with you Don, besides it would provide good exercise for my pitching arm. Killing two birds with one stone (pun intended).

    • 1:07 pm

      Thank you lookingforsomethingtofind,

      I’d recommend a splitter (or some other form of breaking ball.)

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  24. 12:45 am

    Don –

    I couldn’t agree with you more. Along with the abandonment of conscription, we’re now dealing with a surplus of criminals that we seem powerless to remove from existence.

    I think it all started back when they began to remove corporal punishment in schools. Next thing you know, they headed towards the homefront, removing (as the Celtic Queen noted) your god-given right to oops your children right upside their head (I hope I’m using that properly).

    So you couldn’t count on the schools anymore to fill in with the paddle and ruler and sort of buff away the rough edges of your inattentive parenting. This left a majority of the beating to be handled at home.

    And it’s not like you didn’t have your fists full there. You also had neighbor kids wandering in and out of your house and pool, back-sassing and casually swearing. Every parent out there was overloaded and you were pretty much expected to cuff the little troublemakers when they were on your property.

    You expected no less from your neighbors. If your kids were harassing the pets or carving their initials into your neighbors’ trees, you would have felt insulted if your kids didn’t head home with a welt or two. It was just common decency. It kept the kids in line and more importantly, it kept them away from the dog, who was just now showing a bit of spark in his remaining eye.

    From that point on, society got scared of punishment. Lord knows, we would have all been happy to have the state raise our contemptuous and pet-scarring brood, but they weren’t interested. Instead you would get visit after visit from some overbearing do-gooder who would search your house for beating implements and berate you for not serving enough fruits and whole grains.

    So the kids took over the schools, carrying guns and Marxist literature. The teachers began to spend more and more time building solid barricades and wetbars in the teachers’ lounges. They took their newfound power back home, taunting us with their flared-bottom trousers and bizarre hand signals. Bras were burned and beds were left unmade.

    It all spills out onto the streets now. The criminals run the city and the inhabitants lock themselves away like so many drunken instructors. The tables of justice turned and the thugs are consoled for growing up in a broken home (that they broke) and not getting enough hugs from their remaining parents/pets.

    It’s all enough to make you want to move to Texas, adopt their free-killin’ lifestyle and then re-colonize the outliers, spreading their homespun ideals like the Crusaders of yore.

    Thanks for the clear thinking, Don. I’m sure many will argue but even more will be ignored or detained in the spam bin.

    Sincerely,
    C.L. Tanager

    • 5:22 pm

      Many thanks Clifton,

      As always, a logical and well-documented summation of the issue. I’ve long suggested that there are strong links between bell bottoms, brassiere burning and the sudden increase in adolescent shiftiness. I’m surprised there aren’t more scholarly articles on the subject.

      And you’re right, we’re too damned soft on these petty thugs. The mollycoddling and empathizing has ruined not only our justice system and our school system – its played havoc with my digestive system. It makes me sick, damn it.

      All the best Clifton and thanks for visiting.

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      2:38 pm

      Not only do I think you should be able to beat your children, I think you should be able to beat OTHER people’s children. That screaming little shit in the restaurant? Thwack! The kid who accidentally drove over a flower on your front lawn? Thwack! Just feel like you need to keep in practice? Thwack!

      Nothing like living in permanent fear of immediate (and largely random) violence to get you to behave to the point of invisibility.

      That’s why the Death Penalty doesn’t work as a deterrent. It’s slow, methodical and based on airy-fairy concepts like “facts”, “rights”, and “due process”. This quest for “accuracy”, “fairness” and “humaneness” completely ruins the immediacy, the randomness and the brutality required for a deterrent effect. The Death Penalty doesn’t work because it doesn’t instill constant fear in people of getting snatched up and snuffed out by some person/organization Hell-bent on revenge when “close enough” will do.

      More importantly, it robs people of what they are actually looking for, schadenfreude. We want the emotional satisfaction of seeing people we have labelled “bad” slaughtered. We don’t give a damn if the guy actually did it or not. We just want somebody to pay and pay now. The reason people complain about the Death Penalty is because it’s just too damn civilized. They want to watch people suffer and writhe in horrendous pain and, as a bonus, have a reason to feel justified while inflicting it.

  25. 1:50 am

    I was just wondering the other day who the heck did they get to volunteer for that firing squad in Utah last week….were you, by chance, one of those lucky souls that got chosen, Don?

    • 5:23 pm

      Thank you Jillsy,

      I wasn’t selected but really wouldn’t have been interested anyway. If it were a thorough caning they had in mind – I’m your man. But I’ve never been a particularly good shot with a firearm.

      Best regards,

      Don

  26. ferxist permalink
    2:35 am

    Dear Sir:

    I agree. I really believe that EVERY slight upon the law must be punished with death. It’s harsh, I know. That, or we send them to forced labor concentration camps. Possibly the latter; it gives free labor.

    The only problem I have with this: Death is a serious thing. Your courtroom examinations should be longer, otherwise, you WILL convict the wrong man. We cannot give a false judgment. However, I believe that man has no right to administer justice. Only one who stands above humanity could look at humanity and give it what it deserves.

    I like the way Lelouch Lamperouge rephrased Jesus’ words: from “Those who live by the sword die by the sword” to “The only ones who should kill are those who are prepared to be killed.” Anyone guilty of murder should die. That is why we have “fair” combat, “fair” war. A duel where anyone can die; where both outcomes are acceptable: your death, or the other one’s death.

    Jonathan Ferxist

    PS: A bloodthirsty side of me says “Go judge all of humanity and kill them all.” I disagree.

    • 5:29 pm

      Many thanks Jonathan,

      You’ll want to keep that bloodthirsty side in check, lad. Last time I looked I was still part of humanity and there are a few things on my “to-do” list that I’d like to accomplish before any wholesale slaughter commences.

      I’m not sure about lengthening our court proceedings. It might be my perception but it seems to take half a lifetime just to get someone through the damned court system and on to death row.

      You make some good points, lad. Thanks for visiting and all the best.

      Don

  27. 8:12 am

    I think you’ve hit the convict on the head. I hope your initiative gains some traction and is extended to those phantoms who pee on my azaleas. Good luck with it Don!!

  28. 4:51 pm

    Save the whales….
    Kill the convicts.

    • 5:30 pm

      Thank you sekanblogger,

      Some of those whales are pretty damned shifty too. I’d suggest we keep an eye on them.

      Best regards,

      Don

  29. 8:13 am

    How about post-birth abortions? Don, I’m here to tell ya if we make post-birth abortion legal until the age of, say, thirty, we could solve many of the world’s problems.

    Mom: “Junior, eat your vegetables.”

    Junior: “Bite me.”

    Mom: “Bang!”

    • 11:07 pm

      Many thanks Jammer

      I was planning on hitting the topic of abortion as part of my quest to save America. After reading your suggestion, however, I may reconsider. I think you may have a better approach.

      All the best,

      Don

  30. Elmako permalink
    3:32 pm

    Dear Don,

    Once more an outstanding insight into the problems of contemporary United States with useful solutions. Its easy to point out the problems, but bringing forth solutions is true Patriotism!

    I am very interested in exploring the aspect of expanding the scope and number of capital punishments and how this would give us all great peace of mind.

    Remembering the old cliches of how crime will diminish if guns are banned vs. “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people”, I say “Nutsah” let’s have it both ways: capital punishment all around. One set of laws takes care of the miscreant, the other of their stuff. Yes, I’m talking plain and simple stufficide: the untimely death of WAYWARD machinery, and I place no weight as to the cause of waywardnicity, human or otherwise. If one set of laws doesn’t cover it, the other one will.

    Let me put this in perspective: ever get tired of that 5 ton suv bearing down on you, tailgating, cutting you off from the right, hogging up two or three parking spaces ? High end luxury car drivers that think they own the road? Up until I become king of the universe, we just have to put up with it, maybe honk or give them a one fingered salute and feel bad. For a day, a week, a lifetime for some.

    But no more.

    Capital punishment doesn’t cover bad drivers …yet. But with stufficide, the vehicle gets it right between the headlights. Better still, the agrieved party gets to send the now scrap to the heap.

    Think of the possibilities: Moralizing Mary, driving in the passing lane one mile over speed limit and refusing to get over (“I’m going fast enough, and that should be good enough for everyone…”)causing chaos, consternation and breeding road rage galore. The Right Lane Ranger, patrolling the right lane and adjusting his speed to ensure that no one merges on his watch. Boombox Bozo with the entire back of the vehicle converted to a resonance chamber, disrupting brainwaves and making life as we know it, impossible in a half mile radius. The Dwinker, working on their third DWI and still behind the wheel. The list goes on, you see it everywhere…

    With the advent of Stufficide, it’s a quick shot through the engine block and a trip to the scrap heap. No cash for clunkers, no passing go (get it? Pun intended) If they are caught in a different bit of stuff, the same fate befalls it (neighbor shooting cans in the back yard, dogs peeing on rhododendrons, cats burying treasures in the kid’s sandbox, kids playing street hockey in the cul de sac…). No blame no fuss no muss…

    Of course, we will have the nasty problem as to what to do with all those folks on foot at the side of the road, walking to work, running alongside you on the freeway, perhaps even tailgating at red lights and so forth, though the potential problem of being cut off by them on foot will probably take care of itself….

    Fortunately with your solutions for the problem of illegal aliens, we will have a surplus of signage from California warning people to be cautious around pedestrians on the freeway. It may also work wonders for the National Health Care reforms, what with folks getting all that fresh air and exercise.

    With capital punishment for stuff, civility will once more return to our land as those that could have cared less about running grandpa over in the crosswalk or plowing over a kindergarden class on a filed trip will now have to worry about loosing their precious infernal combustion monsters, leaving them with nothing to do on Saturdays and reducing their conversational topics by 85-90%. Which, in itself might be a blessing.

    • 11:11 pm

      Jesus Elmako.

      I love that. Stufficide is a damned brilliant idea. Send me the petition at once and I’ll get signing. I can probably guarantee signatures from everyone at the seniors centre too (with the possible exception of Moralizing Mary).

      Brilliant. Many thanks

      Don

  31. Griffin permalink
    7:56 pm

    I have always thought that we should get rid of the electric chair and install electric bleachers and get this show on the road.

    • 11:11 pm

      A sound idea Griffin.

      We could test them out at those damned heavy metal concerts and if they work there, move them into the prisons.

      Best regards

      Don

  32. 8:52 pm

    Totally with you re: telemarketers, Don.

  33. 10:36 pm

    You say god damn and goddamnit a lot.
    Do you not agree with capital (English grammer, not laziness. lol)
    punishment for blasphemy?
    .
    I’m not religious dont worry.
    I’m just curious

    • 11:19 pm

      Thank you Artswebshow,

      I’d support capital punishment for blasphemers but keep in mind that I exempt seniors. My view has always been that once you hit 65 you’re free to say whatever the Hell you want without any repercussions. It’s compensation for losing your hearing, your hair and having your memory start to short out.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  34. 12:47 am

    lol. i don’t think you’re a crabby old fart at all.
    On account of you being such a damn good sport.
    If i was you, i’d have given me a good old verbal slap

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