Don Mills Saves America: Part Four – Capital Punishment
I don’t usually weigh in on political issues but this damned country of ours is driving me to distraction and it’s time someone got it sorted out.
So, for the benefit of any politician who happens across this blog (I use the terms “earmarks”, “baby kissing” and “wedge issue” as tags quite regularly) I am outlining simple steps that can be taken to help create a better America.
Today, I tackle the thorny issue of capital punishment.
I’m a big supporter of capital punishment – but most old folks are. It’s partly because we’ve seen a lifetime’s worth of reprehensible human behaviour and are sick to death of it, and partly because we just enjoy outliving other people.
What stumps me about capital punishment is why the hell we don’t do more of it. Personally, I’d like to open up the criteria a little and start offing sex offenders, miscreants, whoremongers, chicken thieves, telemarketers, investment bankers, the cast of Full House and whoever the hell has been stealing my newspaper and peeing on my rhododendron. If we’re going to kill people let’s do it right and start cleaning house damn it.
Sure, we may dispatch the occasional innocent man but when you think about it, how many people are really innocent anyway? Chances are if you don’t have the financial resources to defend yourself in a court of law you’re likely guilty of something. And besides, as my old dad always said “if justice is blind you can’t always expect it to pick the right person out of a line-up.”
In fact, my only beef about the death penalty is that we’re too damned inefficient at getting it done. Why the hell does it take so long to get someone from the court docket to the electrical socket? Last time I checked, all you needed in order to kill someone was a length of rope, a sturdy maple tree and a small but bloodthirsty crowd.
But people sit on death row for decades filing appeal after appeal. They’re more likely to die of legal injunction than lethal injection. The only thing we’re killing is time and frankly, I’m tired of my tax dollars being used to house shifty nogoodnicks when it would be better applied to lowering prescription drug costs or reintroducing a monkey-based space program.
It’s this kind of inefficiency that brought down the big four automakers for Christ’s sake. You don’t see the Chinese, Iraqis or Saudi Arabians wasting time appealing sentences – they cut more heads off by 9 a.m. then we do all day.
In my view, we need to speed things along. Let’s have the juries pass judgment and carry out the sentence themselves. Not only is it fast but people might be more inclined to do their civic duty and sit through an 8-week trial if they thought they’d have a chance to stone some felonious bastard to death afterward.
Look, if we want to return to being a civil society it’s time to start behaving like one. We need to muster up some backbone, stop dragging our feet and turn our 50 States back into the well-oiled death machines our forefathers intended them to be.