Don Mills Saves America: Part Three – Immigration

I don’t usually weigh in on political issues but this damned country of ours is driving me to distraction and it’s time someone got it sorted out. 

So, for the benefit of any politician who happens across this blog (I use the terms “congress”,  “kickback” and “xenophobia” as tags quite regularly) I am outlining simple steps that can be taken to help create a better America.

Today, I tackle the prickly issue of immigration.

To me, the whole notion of immigration is a no-brainer. It has to stop. This country is too damned crowded as it is. I can never find a parking spot at the local Walgreens and am constantly fighting off crowds at J.C. Penney on discount sock day. Its gotten to the point where I can’t drive to my optometrist’s office without backing over at least 3 or 4 damned people. We need more space – not more Americans.

And yet they keep on pouring in. Estonians, Albanians, Cherokee, Mongolian Nationalists, the Welsh – our streets are teeming with huddled masses of poor, wretched immigrants crying out to be free and, frankly, it’s noisy, untidy and decidedly un-American. We need to padlock the gates and strap a neon sign atop of Lady Liberty that reads “United State of America: No Vacancy.”

Naturally, my policy of “Now That I’m Here No One Else Should Be Allowed In” is only part of the equation and any real discussion of immigration reform must include reference to the elefante in the room – illegal immigration.

I have to give the Mexicans full damned marks for dashing across deserts, jumping fences and fighting the elements in search of a better life. In fact, it’s a shame that kind of robust activity isn’t part of our schools’ phys-ed curriculum. If it were, perhaps our young people wouldn’t all be podgy couch potatoes and could get off their duffs once in a while to help protect our damned borders.

Regardless, while I admire their pluck, what those Mexicans are doing is illegal and it needs to stop.

It seems to me that the crux of the problem is that we keep catching these rambunctious rascals and then just sending them back to Mexico so they can try again. Now I’m no Lou Dobbs but a wiser idea might be to round these folks up, pop them in a cargo plane and then parachute them into Belgium under cover of darkness. And if the Belgians take issue and kick up a stink, we can always try the Swiss instead. They’re a tolerant lot and dandy yodellers too.

Those Mexican lads may be able to hop a fence but I don’t expect they can swim the Atlantic. And if they can – I’d say they’ve damn well earned a green card.

Look, it’s not that I have anything against immigrants. This country was built by immigrants. But the work’s done now and it’s time for everyone to stay home until we scoop a few ladles out of the melting pot and get our numbers under control. In my view, we need to put a moratorium on immigration until we dip below a population of 200 million or – more realistically – once again find ourselves in desperate need of a cheap and highly exploitable labor force.