Don Mills Saves America: Part Two – Gay Marriage
I don’t usually weigh in on political issues but this damned country of ours is driving me to distraction and it’s time someone got it sorted out.
So, for the benefit of any politician who happens across this blog (I use the terms “veto”, “bipartisan” and “naked congressional pages” as tags quite regularly) I am outlining simple steps that can be taken to help create a better America.
Today, I take on the issue of gay marriage.
This is a bit of a foreign topic for me. Back in the 1950s there were only about 3 dozen homosexuals worldwide and they were largely dancers, florists or Republican congressmen. (I’m no Anita Bryant but I have it on good authority that the sudden increase in homosexuality we experienced in the 1960s had something to do with the hippie movement, brassiere burning and the smoking of LSD.)
Regardless of the cause, it seems nowadays you can’t swing a louis vuitton handbag without swatting a homosexualist on his way to the Feng Shui Hut for a banana smoothie and some anonymous sexual groping. It’s a bigger fad than poodle skirts, whiffle balls or abstract expressionism for Christ’s sake.
I didn’t mind when we gave homosexuals the right to vote, own property or allowed them basic human rights but I have to draw the line at gay marriage. It’s not that I’m overly concerned about issues of morality – in my view, the “S.S. Hell in a Handcart” sailed years ago and it’s only a matter of time until every damned one of us is spending an eternity getting stabbed in the ass with a flaming pitchfork anyway. It’s just that it’s damned preposterous.
The sole purpose of marriage is rapid and repeated procreation. Everyone knows that the nonsense about love and companionship is just window dressing used to make it more palatable to idealistic young people until such time as age and experience can beat the hopeless optomism out them. Marriage is about having children, putting on weight and losing your hair without fear of ending up alone. It’s an institution – like churches, schools and prisons.
Besides, nowadays the whole concept of matrimony has been butchered beyond recognition. No one stays married anymore. Any disagreement over pizza toppings or paint colors becomes an irreconcilable difference and grounds for immediate divorce. In my day we limited our reasons for separation to serious issues like an inability to bear children, madness or a being an untameable shrew.
It seems to me that we need put our own house in order before we start selling our faltering institutions to others. In business, most things with a 50 per cent failure rate are pulled from the shelves – not marketed to a larger audience.
So I’m sorry but I have to give a straight out “NO” to gay marriage. It’s regrettable, but in my opinion homosexuals will just have to find some other damned way to make each other miserable.
The Problem with Young People Today Is... 
I don’t give a good gosh darn if two gay people want to tie the knot. I think your argument goes for any marriage homosexual or heterosexual. I think marriage should be abolished and we just live as a cohabitating unit and when those units dissolve we go our separate ways. It’d be a whole hell of a lot cheaper. But then the divorce lawyers would be fresh out of a profession. So essentially, maybe marriage is good in the long haul for stimulating the economy in some sick twisted way.
Nonetheless Mr. Mills, always an entertainable read.
Many thanks Sherri,
First off, allow me to applaud you on your use of “good gosh darn.” I’d be wise to clean my language up a bit and take a page from you.
In many ways I agree. Perhaps abolishing the institution is the smartest move all way around. It certainly appears to have outgrown its usefulness and doesn’t carry a hell of a lot of meaning anymore. Perhaps it’s time to move on to something new. Like virtual marriages…perhaps? Or speed weddings?
Anyway, I wouldn’t worry about the divorce lawyers. Surely there is some other socially dysfunctional teat they can suck from if we ban marriage altogether and end up putting them out of business. The hell with them – it’s the t.v show “Divorce Court” that I’ll miss.
Always a pleasure to see you, my dear.
All the best,
Don
So Don, I see your point entirely but based on the premise you noted that marriage is only for procreation, how do we rule out the sterile and infertile? I get so tired of all these couples whining about how much money they are spending on invitro fertilization.
I would suggest that they can’t be issued a marriage license until they have gotten pregnant just as God intended with the woman on her back and her legs in the air.
Obviously no woman should be allowed to marry after menapause since she has run out of eggs. And absolutely no geezers of course.
Right on, Sherri.
Actually, I always suspected gay marriage (like so many other things) was invented by lawyers as a make-work project. Can’t get divorced without getting married first, even if you didn’t actually get married (aka common law, which was invented by lawyers too).
I think the only reason marriage itself still exists is because the marriage industry (dress makers, planners, churches, lawyers, etc) have brainwashed us all into believing in this dodo-bird fairy tale.
I hate to disagree with you Mr. Mills, but I think they should be allowed to marry. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
Damn. I see your plot Striaghmo you;re not pullign yopur Agenda on me!
Many thanks Ahmnodt,
I appreciate your sentiment but for me this isn’t about teaching homosexuals a lesson – it’s about practicality. What the hell is the point of tying the knot if you don’t plan to be dropping a sprog 10 months later.
It’s like getting an AZ drivers licence and then getting a job as a bike courier (or something like that. I’m not entirely sure…I think my prunes were a little off tonight).
Anyway, all the best,
Don
the best way to tell if the prunes were off is to inspect your poo in the morning. If it floats the prunes are ok, if it sinks to the bottom of the bowl then you need to chuck the packet out or maybe stop soaking them in brandy overnight
excellent!
NM, That’s hilarious!
Sound advice Nursemyra,
I’ll be sure to have a look when the opportunity next presents itself. Based on prior history, it should be sometime between now and a week Thursday.
All the best,
Don
You are right, Ahmnodt.
If these dumbass Bible thumpers really want to stop gay sex from occurring, they should be pushing for gay marriage.
If every homosexual was married, sodomy would disappear within the year.
Mr. Mills, part of me says let them get married so they can be as miserable as the rest of us.
As always, you remain one of the last clear-thinkers.
Many thanks bmj2k,
I could easily say the same of you. All the best for visiting.
Don
“…you can’t swing a louis vuitton handbag without swatting a homosexualist on his way to the Feng Shui Hut for a banana smoothie…”
Once again Mr. Mills, I disagree with you but laughed my soon to be flaming pitchforked ass off.
As we all know, marriage is a business contract. I know many gay couples who have children. And what gay man or woman doesn’t want companionship once they are fat and bald? Most gay couples are already in the “institution” be it church, school, prison, OR marriage. Let them have the damn piece of paper for that marriage contract and the benefits that go with it.
Many thanks Carol,
We disagree again! I hope this isn’t going to affect the quality of medical advice you provide. I’ve come to rely on your anti-chapping remedies and generally sage advice. (by the way, if you have any thoughts on treating prickly heat and pitchfork tine stab wounds I’d appreciate hearing from you asap.)
I must say I’m shocked at this notion of Gay couples having children? Are you quite sure? I’ve never read about this in the Reader’s Digest. Clearly, some additional research is required on my part.
All the best Carol and thanks for the comment. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you. All the best to your husband.
Don
Ever seen the Maury Povich show, sir?
Basically, that’s how two people of the same gender have babies. One of them gets drunk and “makes a mistake” and then starts bawling and saying stuff like “But I’m not straight, honey! I love you!”
No.n no. It involved a male friend making a donation” And turkey baster.
I see you’re calling out the Pink Team, Mister Mills, on the legal affirmation of rubbing piggly wiggys until passion sparks into a towering inferno and burns back down to a pile of sifting grey ashes.
[Pause for methaphoric absorbsion]
And here I finally must disagree. After attending a huge wedding recently and listening to the long-winded, hypocritical babbling of a delusional holy man, pertaining to a soiled couple that has already cheated multiple times and spawned more children than a school of randy Atlantic Salmon, I think you can stick a fork into that “sacred” institution and call it done for good.
[Pause for a shot and beer]
Hypocricy is at an all time high, and vows spoken with solemn assurance are dashed to pieces shortly after the honeymoon. You are correct about how people divorce over simple disagreements, so why not say the hell with it and finally treat that prehistoric ritual like the joke it has become? Why stop at homosexuals, bisexuals, or anything in-between? A man likes his dog . . . marry them! What about that zebra fish in the five-gallon tank? What a lovely couple! Isn’t that lightening bug amazing? Let’s get hitched before the little fire goes out!
[Pause for Russian Roulette]
The hell with holding marriage in any kind of high esteem anymore. I just left my wife and daughter for a very stately pine tree.
Excellant post as always, Don. You’re swimming in very deep waters these days, and taking on the big stuff. Seeing as I took pictures of rocks the other day, it’s time to raise the bar a wee bit and follow your lead.
[Pause for brain storming]
Nope . . . I got nuthin’.
Please forgive my typos, Don. It’s getting late in the east and the damn pine tree is needling me again. Get it? Hello . . . is this thing on? Er, sorry.
Wonderful comment, Dan, just wonderful.
You’re damned right about the hypocrisy of the whole institution. I’ve been to my share of Randy & Salmon weddings myself. It’s a damned joke.
(pause to peer out my drapes and have a sip of Pepto Bismo…)
Good luck with the stately pine Dan. I think it’s a good choice. After all, you wouldn’t your children to be a son of birch.
(pause to appreciate stupid tree pun…)
All the best, lad, and thanks for visiting,
Don
Ha! Excellant punning!
Good Lord you are a funny crabby old fart. How do you keep such a fresh outlook on life?
I agree that gay marriage is ridiculous, but not one bit more ridiculous than non-gay marriage. The procreation occurs about 36 weeks after this other ridiculous act which involves lots of messy twitching and stuff. Sometimes dinner and a movie comes first.
In any case you made your point perfectly with that 50% failure rate. The gender of the participants in the crapshoot of marriage hardly matters. But then again, I may have inhaled the smoke of Anita Bryant’s burning brassiere, where, legend has it, she kept her stash of LSD. Wish I’d known that then …
Many thanks David,
I can’t say I’m entirely surprised about the LSD. My old friend Clifton Tanager used to speak longingly about Anita Bryant’s brassiere and the treasures that it held. He mentioned skeleton keys, orange seeds, baby teeth, cloves of garlic, pez, eye of newt, wooden matches…and a great deal more. Of course, he says a lot of unusual things after he’s had a few cocktails.
Very nice to hear from you David and thank you for the very entertaining comment.
All the best,
Don
I’ll never forget the video of Anita Bryant getting the pie in the face. It was so great, I almost went to the local gay bar, yelled “A round of vodka and orange juice for everyone, on me!” and switched teams for the night.
Then I realized I was at least a couple of decades away from being able to get into any bar, so that killed the idea. That and I had no idea what homosexuality was.
Very entertaining Don, though it sounds more like you’re having issues with marriage in general not just gay marriage.
Personally I say scrap the legal concept of marriage and have the government give civil unions to any one that wants them who’s of a consenting age. Leave marriages and what counts as marriage to the churches Temples and covens.
And yup not really fired up over this. I think marriage as government institutions pretty much failed a long time ago I mean look at the Bachilor who wants to mary a Milonare all that shit And Brittany spears? She killed the sancity of marriage years ago.
Personaly I’m all for living with a friend you’re atracted to and pairing up as long as the love lasts. Gets more complicated if there are children, but I’d have to do a lot of planning for that any way
Many thanks Rose.
Glad to hear you didn’t feel it necessary to get tear a strip off me.
And you’re right – I’m unhappy with what has happened to marriage in general. I’m not sure I lay all the blame at the feet of Brittany Spears – there were others involved too but I appreciate your point (Elizabeth Taylor was a bit of trailblazer).
In fact, I think that apart from a few minor issues we likely come close to agreement on this whole damned thing.
All the best
Don
don’t forget Zsa Zsa
Also I’m all fagged out from a fight with some asshat on face book. He made the mistake of screwing with one of my friends. I turn into a dangerious raging lunatic when people do that. It sometimes takes a wile to recover.
Hey Don.
I have to say I’ve agreed with a lot of your blogs but not this one. I don’t see the big deal with homosexuals getting married. Marriage is not special enough in America to discriminate against people who want to be as miserable as everybody else. We shouldn’t be discriminating against anyone about anything anymore. We’re not in the 50’s anymore although the way people were brought up back then was a lot better than young people now in some regards as your other blogs well note.
Gay people probably wouldn’t be as miserable as straight married people BECAUSE they can’t have children, but who cares? We have enough loose women out there popping out unwanted babies for the ones who cannot make their own.
People also use the excuse of we can’t have gay marriage ‘because marriage is sacred’ and NO, it’s not, not in America. I know you said that is not why you are against it Don but it is an argument out there. We have shows like the The Bachelor and The Bachelorette on TV…enough said. Then there is Vegas where people get so drunk they marry people they’ve know for all of 5 minutes…Oh please! There is nothing sacred about that. Most of those marriages are followed by annulments. Gay people do not ruin marriage….young, STRAIGHT people do.
Many thanks cleverlittlemiss,
I certainly appreciate your sharing your views. Make no mistake – I dislike what’s become of heterosexualist marriage too. That’s part of the damned reason I don’t think we should be selling it to others.
Once the damned straights can get a decent 95-98 per cent success rate going in marriage then maybe we can look at expansion. Until then – I can’t understand why we would allow it or why anyone would want it. Would you want to buy a car that has a 50% chance of exploding into flames and killing you and your unwitting passenger within 12 months of purchase?
I sure as hell wouldn’t.
All the best and thank you for your comment. It’s always good to hear from a cleverlittlemiss.
Don
Sir, I think Cleverlittlemiss has hit the hammer with the nail head.
The problem with marriage is that YOUNG straight people do it. Only a young person is stupid enough to get married and the results speak for themselves.
Oh, and once again I was fooled by your tags. So very disappointed about not seeing naked congressional pages.
Bah!
Thank you Carol,
I’ll have a word with my brother, York. He may be able to assist. Watch your mailbox…
Don
p.s. fine use of “Bah!”
My uterus and I would like to thank you for reminding us that we are not doing it right unless we are producing little holy terrors. Thank you so very, very much. In fact, I’m so awed and reformed I’m going to go back to my ex boyfriend right this second.
…Okay, snarkiness aside I must really disagree on this one, as I’m sure you were expecting. While I know that your primary purpose is to entertain, I would say today you went too far if it weren’t for the fact that there are people out there who honestly believe the sentiments you joke about today.
Anyway, as for actually responding to the topic, I would simply like to point to the alarming rate we’re using up our resources and the foster care and adoption agencies bursting at the seams as a case for why marrige as you define it is a bad idea. Let gays marry so there will be less competition in our children’s generation and thus more for them to consume. It’s the capitalist thing to do.
Oh and happy early anniversary honey.
>___> <_____< I think your Uterus is for something else 😛
Wait Kasek was a guy!? When did this happen!?
Oh and thnaks I didin;t scroll down far enough to see the last line.
It is Raging Hormone Week. I am allowed to complain aobut my uterus however I see fit.
O_O OH GOds we’re on the same cycle. EVERYBODY RUN
And you compleately missed the fact I was trying to pervert the comment by refrencing our very lively and disturbingly rough sex life.
If this was my website, I’d say, “Feel free to post pictures”.
Always nice to hear from you and your uterus. (Please pass on my best regards).
I hope I didn’t go too far, mystsong. I’m not the most liberal-minded man in the world but I like to think I’m tolerant and not entirely closed-minded.
And I’m certainly not looking to reform anyone. If there is one thing I do believe in it’s minding your own damned business and staying out of other people’s bedrooms.
All the best and thanks for stopping in.
Don
You, no. I know you’re a deccent fellow and don’t mean harm most of the time. (My uterus and I will be staying off your lawn, however. We have much more irritating people’s petunias to bleed on anyway.)
I wish more people would mind their own business and stay out of eachther’s bedrooms. Both literally and figuratively, especially in regards to the political scene.
Always a pleasure to read your crotchety ramblings. Gives me ideas for my college papers.
Many thanks, mystsong.
Always nice to hear from you.
Best,
Don
Don, when I generously offered my husband to you as a “roommate” I thought we had an understanding. He is not interested in a fling. He is a serious guy with serious intentions. If marriage is not a consideration he is no longer interested. You’ll have to find someone else to do your CPR.
Many thanks Nag,
I wondered why the hell you had roommate in quotation marks in your original offer. It’s like that time I responded to the add offering exotic “massage.” I’ll have to learn to be more careful. Apparently I don’t speak “swinger.”
My apologies to you and your husband if I’ve misled you. An honest mistake on my part.
All the best,
Don
Regarding gay marriage, I think that Bill Maher probably said it best:
“If there’s one area I don’t want the US government to add to its list of screw-ups, it’s love.
On the occasion of this Valentine’s Day, let’s stop and ask ourselves: What business is it of the state how consenting adults choose to pair off, share expenses, and eventually stop having sex with each other?”
Come on, people. Why shouldn’t gay people get to engage in matrimony and then be miserable like the rest of us? I mean, it’s not all misery but there are certain challenges to having relationship and I think all people, regardless of sexual orientation, should have the right to experience the inevitable slowing and finally cessation of sexual relations that occurs as you both get older and tireder and the hips aren’t as flexible as they once were. . .
Thank you healingmagichands,
Fine points – and if people were still committed to enjoying the inevitable slowing and cessation of sexual relations as a couple I might be more inclined toward accepting gay marriage. Sadly, people seem to be more inclined toward the cessation of being a couple the first they catch the eye of a comely co-worker.
As for the old hips, I recommend ample use of mentholated creams, light stretching and regular exercise.
Al the best healingmagichands and thanks for stopping in,
Best regards,
Don
Good evening, Don,
Great post. Normally, I would have some sarcastic/witty/educational comments to add. However, today finds me somewhat on the fence about gay marriage as I have spent today preparing for my colonoscopy. Yes, finally, I am actually getting one. And, with all the laxatives and bathroom breaks, I can somewhat identify with “the gays” (as we older people like to call them).
I very much liked your ” it seems nowadays you can’t swing a louis vuitton handbag without swatting a homosexualist on his way to the Feng Shui Hut for a banana smoothie and some anonymous sexual groping.” comment. Feng Shui…indeed!
Perhaps, I will have something more substantial to say once this poop-shoot appt. is over.
Til then,
I remain….your #1 fan and obsessive secret stalker
TPB
Many thanks TPB,
Good luck with your procedure. I’m sure everything will work out fine and that you’ll walk away a little groggy but with a clean bill of health.
All the best,
Don
p.s. I’d recommend you avoid sitting on fences for a while afterward. I suspect it would only aggravate matters.
‘Three’s a charm’ morphed into ‘three time loser’ so I’m in no position to judge, but, I am deeply envious of couples (gay or straight) that manage to flourish for decades in relational unions. Deeply envious.
>____> <___< Come to the Lesbian-side we have logn term relationmships. AND Fish Taco's.
*Doges Myst song hitting me with frying pan*
Not a frying pan, love. A fish.
Is it atleast Tuna. Tuna if delicious.
But you’ve got to careful, there’s lot of mercury in tuna. Maybe you should have some sausage from time to time to balance things out and let the mercury subside.
Sausage disagrees with me. 😛
Thank you Elizabeth,
Always nice to hear from you. As one who did manage to flourish for decades in a marriage I can attest to its value. I consider myself very fortunate.
All the best,
Don
Maybe we should just ban marriages altogether and then every one can live happily ever after.Even if your kids all have different surnames.
with kids being named apple and rumor and kal-el, should we really be worried about what their last names are?
ditto
Thank you Loon,
I didn’t think young people had surnames any longer. I was under the impression that they limited their names to handles like “J-Pac” or internet usernames like “stormtrooper60432.”
Still, I’m all for banning things. Marriage, rap music, books, short shorts, you name it – I probably want to see an end to it.
All the best,
Don
T___T Books. Short stores. But..my life.
marriage should be allowed for everyone, but the marriage licenses should be issued on an annual basis. no more messy divorces, you just don’t renew the license. of course, everyone will have to get a prenup agreement, so when you choose not to renew, everyone knows how all the accumulated stuff is split up.
speaking of marriage, rush limbaugh just got his fourth beard…i mean, just got married for the fourth time. i have no objections whatsoever to same-sex marriage. however, i do have a problem with fat, disgusting, bloviating assholes being allowed to marry.
Thank you Nonnie,
An interesting approach but I’d suggest that in the current climate an annual basis might be too ambitious. Perhaps an initial 6 month contract with ongoing 3 month extensions might be a more realistic place to start.
I trust Mr. and Mrs. Limbaugh were registered with “Happy’s Oxycontin Shack?” I’ll have to remember to send a gift and my best regards.
Always a pleasure, Nonnie.
Don
Nonnie, I REALLY like this idea. (Had it myself a few years back.)
A fixed marriage term is a much better idea and is a far more realistic approach. A large percentage of marriages these days don’t last more than a couple of years anyway. Why not just make the law match the underlying reality?
The best part about this concept is that it has an automatic exit. It’s incredibly liberating. Good or bad, your marriage will end in 1 or 2 years, like the prison sentence it is. All you have to do is keep crossing the days off and survive your sentence without getting tattooed by a Neo-Nazi or shived in the shower.
Marriage’s weakest link may just be the permanence aspect. The pressure can be paralysing. You are expected to be in love forever, otherwise, you’re a “failure”. Truth is, the institution is the failure and we just keep letting it let us down.
Such a change may even improve the quality marriage itself. Think of it like a Summer Job versus a permanent job. Everybody has had a shitty summer job, but stumbled along, or even enjoyed it despite of itself, and laughed about it later. But having a shitty job as a permanent job is a “whole nother story”. To be permanently stuck in a miserable job can wear you down to the point of Going Postal.
A 1-2 year marriage term vastly reduces the societal pressure, the desperate hopelessness that drives spousal/drug abuse and the bankrupting expense of marriage ceremonies. (Nobody has a $50,000 drivers licence ceremony.) It would also eliminate divorce. No more scum sucking divorce lawyers and the havoc they create! Very little communal property would be collected and it would be accounted for ahead of time or at purchase.
However, I would make a rule that forbids instant renewals. That’s because the pressure to instantly renew would just replace the pressure over marriage and we’d be right back to where we stared. A mandatory cooling off period (minimum 1 year) between renewals is a must. It would be long enough to get them out of your system and move on to another marriage in between renewals. So if you want to renew at that point, you do so with a clearer head.
As for kids, I think we should all have our tubes tied at birth and get a Licence To Procreate (that allows them to be untied) once we have proven ourselves worthy and, perhaps, have settled on one or two regular marriage partners.
one more provision. you can only get a certain number of licenses with other people (though you can renew your license with the same person and unlimited number of times). you’re allowed to marry a total of say 3 or 4 different people (if you’re widowed, that doesn’t count, unless you killed him/her). people like larry king and liz taylor don’t need to be married 8 times. if they knew they were only allowed 3 or 4, they’d choose more carefully and think before they marry.
Nah. I wouldn’t do that. Such lifetime limits start taking on an aspect of “till death do us part”, which defeats the purpose of the proposal.
Besides, with 1-2 year marriage licences, 8 marriages can add up pretty quick, even if there are repeats with the same people. (ie Liz Burton- Burton-Taylor).
The point is that people DON’T think things through when in “love” (or just horny) and limiting the marital term is meant to limit the suffering caused by such mental lapses.
That’s very interesting, Sedate me.
I’ve often used a similiar analogy and said that people treat marriage like a secondment or temporary assignment at work. Just something they can test out for 6 months before they decide what position they want to try out next and move on.
Seems like Don set the trap and ran.
Sorry Rose. Just dozed off for a while.
I’m not one for running anymore. I’m lucky if I can work up a brisk walk.
Don
Don –
This post of yours will no doubt start a raging internet wildfire and see you swimming in dissenting opinions. Good luck to you, Don. You’re going to need it.
As much as I’d like to “go with the flow” as my urologist is prone to say, I have to take your side on this one. I know this will be unpopular and perhaps even shocking, but I think that gay marriage should be prohibited.
It’s not that I have anything against gays and their wishes to be properly recognized as an entity that can file “Married; filing jointly,” it’s just that… well… their wedding ceremonies are just so much more damn entertaining and well-done that ours are.
Where we straights (who invented this whole scheme) are more than happy to cater in some broiled chicken breasts and two vegetable choices and call it good, the fairer sexual orientation is willing to provide both vegetarian AND vegan options, while supplying the rest of the normal diners with something incredibly tasty and immaculately presented.
While we find whatever flowers are “priced to move” to set as centerpieces, they grow their own in some sort of “love garden/hope chest” that begins its life when they get engaged and is harvested only shortly before the ceremony, creating an amazing analogy that our limp daffodils or whatnot cannot hope to compete with.
Their pre-meal slideshow is edited to perfection, without a wasted shot and set to high-energy music rather than some fifth-hand version of “We’ve Only Just Begun” by noted stick figures, the Carpenters.
Not only that, but the ceremonies run much smoother, with impeccable timing and restrained flair. An added bonus is that usually neither spouses’ parents attend, cutting down on the number of extraneous dances and speeches.
It’s not enough that their houses are well-appointed and finely groomed. Or that their 2-year-old Lexus still smells like it just rolled off the assembly line (or like lilacs). Or that they’ve always got the right outfit for any occasion, whether it’s a parade, or a protest or a night on the town.
Can’t they just leave us to suffer through our dour ceremonies and loveless marriages in peace? Is it too much to ask that we be allowed to monopolize at least one turning point in our lives? Is it not enough that we’ve got inadequate hairstyles and less-than-exciting jobs, but now we’ve got to compete with wedding ceremonies that make our best efforts look like the high school prom?
I say it’s time to put our foot down and reclaim our right to throw a mediocre “once in a lifetime” event. After all, the wedding itself is only a brief moment compared to a 30-year marriage of convenience.
Thanks again for standing up for what’s right, or at least what’s achievable. I look forward to your next issuance, Don, and its attendant written explosions.
Sincerely,
C.L. Tanager
Thank you Clifton,
Despite the fact that I’ve always prided myself on maintaining an entirely adequate haircut (short back and sides – same as my father and his father before him) I do take your point.
I’ve always maintained that a successful wedding reception was comprised of little more than an open bar, a mandatory chicken dance, a table full of gift wrapped appliances and no more than drunken 3 fist fights.
All the best Clifton and thanks for visiting.
Don
I wonder about gay marriages,
-Who takes out the garbage?
-Are there subtle power battles over the toilet seat?
-Who stews in quiet desperation in the garage while killing time and creating distance by rummaging through the tool chest?
-Glee or America’s Got Talent?
Fine questions, An Unmarried Man.
Hopefully someone with more experience can answer your questions.
But it’s this kind of uncertainty that troubles me. When I was married there was no question that we were in an equal partnership – I would take the garbage out and clean the eaves once a year and Aggie would clean house, do the shopping, mend clothes, tend to the laundry, raise children and knit me sweaters in her spare time. There was no need to struggle with issues of who did what – it was all spelled out for us.
Best regards,
Don
Like many modern couples, it simply comes down to who’s most equpped to do the chores, usually. Like, when rose and I are staying together, I do most of the cooking because she’s so gifted she can set off the smoke alarm without making any visible smoke.
The subtle battles tend to be over less cliche tihngs but they still happen sometimes.
We try to talk things out rather than stew and let the problem grow. I know, it’s a shocking solution.
Neither. Buffy the Vampire Slayer or broadway musicals.
HEY! The smoke alarm was going off randomly. There was NO smoke. It was defective. And that was tasteh breakfast and you know it. Mushrooms and breakfast saugase sliders? Epic.
Subtle battles. Like my smoking? HA! YOU’LL NEVER WIN, same thing with my chicken, drinking and actually I can’t think of any thing. Else. Ans I know the drinking doesn’t really matter because it’s not to heavy.
And Don’t act like it’s maturity that brings it to surface, we’re both explody to let things stew.
And Mmmm buffy, Alison Hannigan.
I have it on good authority that the rise in homosexuality was also due to the sudden, and inexplicable, surge in the “gay gene”
Thank you RubyTwoShoes,
The gay gene? Are you referring to Gene Rayburn by any chance? I’ve always had my suspicions about that lad and never approved of the snide double entendres that characterised Match Game 75.
That damned Charles Nelson Reilly really cracked me up though. He was a pip.
All the best RubyTwoshoes and thanks for popping in to visit.
Don
Match Game, I love that damn show! It was certainly from a much happier-go-luckier, 3 martini lunch, era.
Indeed that’s true, Sedate Me.
And you don’t often see game show panelists smoking anymore either.
I’m convinced the top-rowers sat on cleverly hidden sex swings.
My only problem with gay marriage, is that they are going to have to go in the dictionary and make another change to the language. Marriage is between a man and a woman, I say this not as some moral thing, just as a language thing. In my opinion the law shouldn’t deal with marriage, everyone should get a common law certificate and what ever ceremony you want after that, is your choice. Plus who walks down the isle first, and all those things are too confusing. Still if there is free food and perhaps an open bar, I won’t turn down an invitation.
Many thanks lookingforsomethingtofind,
I’d rather not see any additional changes to the dictionary either. People are always tinkering with the English language and not only is it unnecessary, it plays havoc with my Sunday crossword and ability to win at Scrabble.
We have enough words and definitions, I say leave them alone.
Having said that, I suppose I wouldn’t turn down an invitation either. I do a mean chicken dance and have never been one to pass up a free meal.
All the best,
Don
I don’t care who gets married as long as it isn’t me. That was one social experiment I don’t care to try again.
Thank you yellowcat,
I’ll never marry again either. Mainly by choice but no one is exactly beating down the door to get to me either.
Best regards,
Don
What!! Come on Don you’ve had lots of offers. I’ve read them.
You’re just being modest and it doesn’t become you lol.
Nice to hear from you Celtic Queen,
I’m not sure if I’d call those few extremely odd missives actual offers but point taken.
All the best,
Don
Dear Mr Donald… I was going to say “Heads Down… incoming!!” but this post has been up about 11 hours, according to my calculations and not yet been flamed by either the LGBT lobby or the Holy Rollers… perhaps they are all still asleep after a weekend of their relevant debauchery? If this doesn’t get 200+ comments (and death threats and bricks through windows) then my name is Alantru!
Nice to hear from you Dave,
I don’t expect things will get too out of hand. It’s difficult to argue with logic and I believe I’ve laid out a reasonably sound argument. Still, all views are welcomed and I haven’t had a halfway decent death threat since I posted about tattoos and piercings. Those young people can really get up on their hind legs sometimes.
Nice to hear from you Dave and thanks for visiting.
Don
What time’s the buffet on the S.S. Hell in a Handcart? I keep missing it. What about the floor show? Are there any homosexuals there?
Many thanks mediamugshot.
I suspect that the buffet runs around the clock but I can’t be sure. You might want to check their website. Just google “Seven Day all inclusive cruise vacations to Hell.” As for the floor shows, I doubt you’ll find a homosexual thespian (although for a while I believed a thespian was just a gay woman with a lisp). Dancers, sure, but actors – all straight as an arrow.
All the best,
Don
I totally with you again Don but I’d even take it a step further. I’d relegate marriage to the antiquated religious practice that it is along side confirmation, confession and burning witches at the stake.
If God doesn’t care anymore, and he clearly doesn’t or we wouldn’t have Rosie O’Donnell running around shoving her strap-on down the public’s throat, then why should we?
Marriage should be nothing more than a business contract between two people with the terms and conditions that they can both agree upon. It would save a lot of unrealistic expectations and Escalade windows.
Nice to hear from you Scott,
I had never really considered the Rosie O’Donnell argument in support of the indifference of God but I have to admit it has its merits… and is difficult to argue against. It will make a fine topic for the upcoming meeting of the Pleasantville’s Seniors Centre debate team. My thanks for that.
I appreciate your taking it “one step further” Scott.
All the best,
Don
……AH ROSIE ODONALD This siw hy I don;t go by Rosie.
Ugh. She makes all of us lesbians look tacky and obnoxious.
Mr Mills,
I don’t think it’s bra burning, LSD (LDS?) or hippies that cause the rise in homosexuality. But you’re close.
I do think it is all drugs, chemicals, and hormones, but I think its all the manufactured drugs, chemicals and hormones in our drinking water, household products and the like that’s responsible. It’s messing up our sexuality before we’re even born.
There’s a native reserve in my neck of the woods that’s down stream from a high concentration of chemical plants and the like. Studies show that the male-to-female birth ratio is about 1-7. While that sounds much better than the “Two girls for every boy” the Beach Boys promised, it’s very misleading. Some of those girls were meant to be boys and many of the those boys are -shall we say- metrosexual to say the least.
It’s getting to the point where they literally DON’T make real men the way they used to.
Jesus Christ, Sedate Me, that’s an absolutely terrifying notion.
I’ve never heard that claim before but can’t say I’d be shocked if it were 100% true. I’ve always felt it was only a matter of time before better living through science came back and bit us on the ass.
(And it makes me feel damned bad about burying those paint cans in my back yard in 1972 as well.)
Many thanks Sedate Me. You’ve always got something up your sleeve.
Best regards,
Don
Environmental endocrine disruptors are, indeed, a huge, huge problem, Don. Recent CDC biomonitoring has detected 212 chemicals in the human body including flame retardants, Biphenol A, phthalates and rocket fuel. As if 212 chemicals weren’t enough, the synergistic effects of said chemicals are unknown. Basically, it’s wreaking havoc with our endocrine systems and certainly influencing fetal development. It may also be a contributing factor (or thee factor) behind soaring rates of ADD and autism.
Thank you Elizabeth.
Rocket fuel? I’m guessing it must be one of the Colonel’s 11 secret herbs and spices.
Thanks for the information. I can’t say I understood it all but what I did comprehend sure scared the hell out of me.
All the best,
Don
personally i blame the lifting of prohibition! booze makes people horny as hell, well personally speaking…i’ve smoked a lot of LSD (smile) but booze is by far way more fun! 🙂
Thank you Lynn,
Nice to see you getting in the spirit. I was never a fan of prohibition but I’d certainly support raising the drinking age to 65. That way even if you do get damned “horny” you’re unlikely to be able to do much about it or cause any serious trouble.
And smoking LSD!? My goodness Lynn. I’m shocked. I trust it was just youthful experimentation and indiscretion and that you’ve changed your ways now. You’ve always struck me as a very decent young woman.
All the best,
Don
As a Catholic, I’ve never been sure if I fall into the category of “Dumbass Biblethumper” or not. My Bible seems to be free of knuckle marks, and while I have occasionally wanted to beat other people with it, that desire has more or less faded ever since my studies have required me to purchase Dummit and Foote’s book on Abstract Algebra, which is somewhat weighter and hence more suited to the job. (I briefly considered the effect on such a classification of being in pursuit of a PhD in math, however my limited academic experience has taught me that a smart head and a Dumb Ass are not mutually exclusive, so that line of reasoning turned out to be inconclusive as well.)
Be that as it may, I do find it odd that so many people are blaming the failure of marriages on the nature of marriage itself. That might make sense if marriages were a new thing, but people have been tying the knot for as long as history goes back with reasonable success. Even recently(ish): My grandmother ran away with my grandfather when she was 16, and they stayed happily married for well over 60 years until she died of cancer. My grandfather mourned but remarried some years later, and that marriage is still lasting today despite the fact that my grandfather has been institutionalized with Alzheimer’s disease.
The problem isn’t the nature of the knot, it’s that we’re tying it wrong. If you try to tie a bowline (non-slipping loop) to rescue someone and tie a noose instead, when the guy gets cut in half by the rope it’s your fault for being a dunce with knots. The bowline would have worked if you had used it right, but you didn’t; so why are you blaming the bowline?
Dumbass Young People (a group I’m much more familiar with) have been running around having sex like rabbits since the 70s, as though it were no more sacred than a game of ping pong. How can we be surprised that they’re not successful at marriages? A life long ping-pong partnership is hardly likely to remain exclusive, and may very well break up over a disagreement over what pizza toppings to order, and if a person grows up thinking the bowline is antiquated and so only ties nooses, it should be no surprise when they accidentally hang themselves.
As for legally recognizing gay unions – well I suppose it’s not a surprise that many are pushing for that. Why should we care who you play ping-pong with? But if you see sex and marriage as sacred, then legalizing gay marriage would be nothing less than the government calling sacred (by virtue of applying the term “marriage”) that which profanes the sacred. Even if you call it a civil union, it’s the same thing. Officially calling “ok” that which flies in the face of ok-ness isn’t cool. Us Dumbass Biblethumpers aren’t ever going to to be happy with that.
Thank you very much Iron Donkey,
Sadly, I don’t have a great deal to say in response. I think that was a fine comment and not one that requires any cheeky reply from me. While I may not agree with every aspect, you make a strong point and I appreciate your sharing it with me.
(Plus, I always enjoy references to different kinds of knots.)
Thanks for taking the time to compose your thoughts.
Sincerely,
Don
Catholics are less likely to thump The Bible and are more likely to thump themselves with The Bible in acts of self-flagellation.
You can make an argument that Ping Pong is more “sacred” than marriage has ever been. Marriage has always boiled down to an exchange of goods and services, essentially “trim for coin”. Historically, women were property, often burdensome property. Families exchanged them for monetary reasons and/or for status and security.
Ruling classes encouraged, sanctioned and sometimes arranged these unions basically because the Lord of the manor needed to generate more serfs to work his fields and he didn’t need them sticking pitchforks into each other because they were arguing over the same piece of tail. Declaring “This is yours” and “This is his” was in the Lord ‘s best financial interest. Also, since he was the Lord of the Manor, he generally had the most attractive property and, not willing to share, exclusive ownership had to be codified.
The “sacredness” of marriage is pinned entirely upon religious ceremonies that were designed to put a less crass face on what was actually going on and to raise the stakes by invoking God’s wrath. Since church and state were largely, it was rather easy for rulers to design a stage play to impart the “spiritual” importance of producing labourers and sealing family alliances.
Only recently has “love” and “free will” been the dominant forces in marriage. It’s at that point where the institution began to rot. Love is a horrible motivation to sign a business contract and human beings don’t make very good decisions when their emotions are involved. Now that women are persons and marriages are based in emotion, the entire underpinning of marriage is gone and that’s why it has crumbled into such disrepair.
The only way it’s making a comeback is to move women back toward property status.
Well, I’ve been married three times and have only once almost procreated (out of wedlock). I’ve clearly been getting the wrong end of the stick, or something like that.
Goodness you made me laugh today, Don. Thank you.
Many thanks Azahar,
It does indeed sound as though you’ve had hold of the wrong end of the stick. There are no shortage of websites I’m sure…
I appreciate the kind words, Azahar, and the visit. Always nice to hear from you.
Don
My second husband would have been happier married to a man, I’m almost certain. If only he could admit it…
Thank you blogmella,
Extremely unfortunate but, as they say, third times a charm.
All the best,
Don
The benefit of marriage isn’t procreation. It’s mingling of funds and the dowry.
Thank you Bearman,
There’s something damned unsavory about that comment but I just can’t put my finger on it at the moment. Maybe it’s because I associate dowries with sheep and goats – I can’t be sure. I’ll have to get back to you lad.
All the best,
Don
Sir,
I think that unsavouryness you’re talking about is the true nature of marriage, an exchange of property, peaking out from behind the fairy tale facade of romantic love.
……Sweet Virginal Athena! Some one more Pessmistic than I am.
Bearman does have an affinity for sheep and goats 🙂
It’s very difficult to argue with the salient points in your post. In fact, you bring so much wisdom to the table on this and many other issues, I wonder if you couldn’t offer your opinion on my pet rabbit, Mephisto. Mephisto is as gay as rabbits come (and trust me when I say that is VERY gay, indeed). Should I still allow him to prance around naked, or should I fashion some rabbit pants for him to wear until he can “come to Jesus”, so to speak?
Thank you Shawn,
The only opinion I’ve ever offered on a rabbit was to my wife, Aggie. And that opinion was that I’d prefer it stewed with potatoes and carrots but I’ll be happy to give it a try.
At the risk of being indelicate I suspect your damned rabbit may simply be trying to live up to the gayness of its name. I’m sure that if my parents had named me Mephisto my life would been charted in an entirely different direction.
I wouldn’t worry about him coming to Jesus unless he’s being served as an appetizer. Let him prance naked or, if you insist on trousers, at least keep his sensibility in mind and make them god damned leather chaps.
Sometimes these comments scare the hell out of me.
Best regards,
Don
The line about the banana smoothie made my day.
My best friend is gay, and she was “married” for several years. She called her partner her wife, and I completely bought into the whole thing. Then, we didn’t talk for a couple of weeks, and when we did she had suddenly gotten “divorced”. They split their clothes, her partner moved next door, everyone was happy and that was that. Awesome.
If I were gay people, I’d lay low and appreciate how good they have it. Sheesh.
Nice to hear from you Robin,
Everyone likes a banana smoothie. Damned refreshing drink.
And I couldn’t agree more. Lay low and count your damned blessings.
All the best,
Don
May I wade in again, Don? This is the first time I have divulged this publicly. Most of my adult life I have chosen gay men as best friends and I couldn’t have asked for better or more loyal friends (I probably would equally enjoy gay women if I knew any). I simply prefer their company and strongly ‘relate’ to them. I also find them extremely funny and entertaining (and don’t get me started on Adam Lambert). That said, I cringe whenever I see gay people kissing. It’s not that I disapprove of the act, but rather I experience some innate involuntary visceral response I have stemming from childhood or my own biological aversion. I believe 100% that gays have a biological preference for their own sex. I fully accept and embrace that preference and greatly appreciate the colorful texture they add to our otherwise homogenous world. Yet, I still have to turn away when I see a clip of Madonna and Britney kissing (probably not a very good example as Madonna kissing anybody would make me wince). I’m getting up there in years and it could be my early upbringing (not one scintilla of homophobia, but no exposure either). It embarrasses me to admit I have this aversion, and also strangely paradoxical that I gravitate to gays as friends and yet I am able to reconcile the two. I think it is only a matter of time (a very short time) that the institution of marriage will soon include our gay brethren. It would be my pleasure to be ‘man of honor’.
Oh, dear. When I re-read my entry after reading other commenters, I realized I was not clear. The point I was trying to make with the above statement was that perhaps it is our ‘aversions’ that impede the flow of progress. I hope that makes better sense.
Always a pleasure to have you wade in Elizabeth.
Personally, I cringe whenever I see anyone kissing in public. I can’t help but feel anything more explicit than holding hands should be taken in doors and out of plain sight.
Best,
Don
Even when it;s really cute? Can Myst song get in under the cute clause if iut;s jsut quick peck?
Dear Sir,
After reading many of your blog entries, I feel you are either bisexual or homosexual. Also that you have masochistic tendencies.
What are your comments on this?
Yours faithfully,
Black Hawk
Many thanks Blackhawk,
I guess my only comment would be that I’m not about to be drawn into a position where I need to prove any aspect of my personal life to you or anyone else. My apologies if that sounds harsh but I know who I am and at the end of the day I suppose that’s all that really matters. You’re free to draw whatever conclusions you see fit but I don’t see the need to refute or debate them.
Best regards and thanks for visiting.
All the best,
Don
Mr. Mills,
Good for you, sir. It has taken many people many years to figure out who they are and come to terms with it. I’m proud of you for taking the high road, rather than succumb to the lower (and often easier) road.
Well done, sir.
Tara
Don,
While the idea of marriage in general is a bit of a foreign topic to me, I have to agree with your stance on homosexuals tying the knot.
Not because I think it’s a good one, mind you (have you ever seen an angry drag queen, Don? It’s not something I’d wish upon my most lip-synching inept enemy), but because I’m your friend, and that’s what friends do.
(Oh, and just so you know, these days you don’t have to be gay to head over to the Feng Shui Hut for a banana smoothie and some anonymous sexual groping. Thanks to reality shows like “The Hills”, banana smoothies are now considered “gender-neutral”).
Eye-opening post, Don. Now go lock your doors and pull down the curtains.
Your always-agreeable friend,
Bschooled
Many thanks Bschooled,
As always, I appreciate your unwavering support – even when you suspect that I’m teetering dangerously on the verge of senility. And I’m grateful for the clarification on the gender-neutrality of banana smoothies. Obviously, much has changed since the data presented in the September 1973 Reader’s Digest.
And have no fear, my doors are always locked and my curtains always down (except when I’m peering out through them.)
All the best
Your friend,
Don
You never worry abous us Drag Kings.
You’re showing your age Mr. Mills.
My dad is gay and it is just wrong wrong wrong that he can’t get married to his long time partner. They’re just as committed as any other couple, but if one of them ends up in the hospital the other can’t even legally visit. And when one passes away there will be no social security benefits for the other like there are for all the old straight geezers. If you want to get rid of social security, send your check back, but Kerry and Larry should have the same rights and benefits as any other upstanding citizens who paid there taxes for 60 years.
Good day.
Many thanks saratoday,
I generally like to show my age but you make a valid point and I appreciate your sharing it with me.
Many thanks and please pass on my best regards to both your old dad and his partner.
All the best,
Don
Uh, two dads?
Wasn’t that an late 80’s sitcom where the guy from “Mad About You” was shacked up with the guy from” BJ & The Bear”?
What planet are you from? Can’t legally visit a sick person in hospital?
Can’t get social security? I was of the opinion it wasn’t based on whether or not you are gay or straight. My gay friend was his partners carer and got the carer’s pension and allowance. He nursed him till his partner passed away and had power of attorney over him and HE made the decisions.
Your father and his partner could always have their own commitment ceremony and if they are so much in love maybe they don’t need that piece of paper that BINDS them.
I think everyone expects too much from the government and less of themselves.
Seriously though Myst Song. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME KASEK WAS A MAN!?
I can only speak for myself Rose but, honestly, I was kept in the dark on this.
All the best,
Don
Hell, Don, straight marriage has ruined straight marriage. How many straight married people do you see that are actually happy? Kate and Jon plus eight, or whatever, proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt. So here’s the pitch:
Do you want to see a bunch of happy, single, gays running around, prancing and dancing, but protesting once a month on how unhappy they are and they should be allowed to get married?
Or do you allow them to actually get married, of which the outcome will be a bunch of unhappy, married gay people too tired to protest the fact they are now as unhappy as straight people, and will therefore abandon dancing and prancing and replace them with the dreaded “honey-dos”.
Many thanks Jammer,
My Aggie always had a comprehensive “honey-do” list taped to the fridge. I never did get through the whole thing but I swear I lost 20lbs just because I started avoiding the kitchen entirely so I wouldn’t have to look at it. It could be that was her goal the entire time.
All the best,
Don
Don;
Whatever did happen to Anita Bryant, anyway?
A handsome woman, she was.
Nice to hear from you Friar.
Hope you’re well and getting some decent fishing in. I’m not sure what happened to Anita. I seem to think she’s passed but I can’t be sure and am boycotting wikipedia until they upgrade their digestive biscuit and cardigan sweater entries.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
Dear Sir,
I will just say this: I am extremely homophobic.
Jonathan Ferxist
Many thanks Jonathan,
Homophobia isn’t uncommon among younger lads like yourself.
I would say though, Jonathan, that you’ve always struck me as a very level-headed and intelligent sort of young man. I’d encourage you to try and get past your fears and am confident that in time you will. It’s just one man’s opinion but I’ve never found there is any reason for fear, concern or any sort of trepidation at all.
All the best and nice to hear from you.
Don
Ahhh, come on Don – ya crabby old fart! Let the homosexualists, as you call them, get hitched.
I have to say, I love your blog, but disagree with most everything in this post. However, the writing is too funny. Here’s my favorite line, just for good measure:
“nowadays you can’t swing a louis vuitton handbag without swatting a homosexualist on his way to the Feng Shui Hut for a banana smoothie and some anonymous sexual groping.”
I thought all marriages were gay? I certainly know that if i was married to a lovely lady, that i would most certainly be gay!
Bob
At least you’re not so old school to think gay marriage means a happy marriage. You’d be wondering why everyone was so against it.
I have to say the one lesbian wedding I’ve been to was way more fun than the dozens of straight weddings I’ve been to.
I have many things to say after reading your post. So I’ll devide the whole “mish-mash” of words in couple of points:
1. You can’t smoke LSD; you can try it but this drug is usually consumed orally.
2. The percentage of homosexuals has been always the same. People haven’t used to admit that because it was illegal at most of the countries.
More information about the topic:
Definition and history: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality
A study of the case: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_Reports
Even if you aren’t homosexual and have no family members/ colleagues/ friends with that tendency I think you (and others at the matter) should read this.
3. The homosexuality is hereditary – not learned. See the Wiki link above.
4. What is the worst thing that is going to happen if the gay coples will get married? I understand your view what the marriage is for procreation (although there are many straight couples that deside to have no children) but why to get to the point we should ban this?
5. Because I don’t live at US and have never visited there, I would like to ask: Why is this such a delicate issue? Don’t you have any bigger problems than to check in your neighbour’s bed who is he sleeping with, whenever he got his “shlong” inside his mate’s “rabbit hole” and whenever it makes him a good father, husband or a citizen?
I mean the problems like poverty, high taxation, lack of jobs etc are that minor?
http://thundercows.wordpress.com
I’m all for gay marriage. Being gay is A-ok! Seriously, gay couples and straight couples should all have the same rights.
But considering how this is actually more about being anti-marriage than anything else? Yes, marriage can go die in a hole, haha. It seems like it’s just another way for people to make taxes more complicated and for churches to become more involved in state matters.