Don Mills Saves America: Part Two – Gay Marriage
I don’t usually weigh in on political issues but this damned country of ours is driving me to distraction and it’s time someone got it sorted out.
So, for the benefit of any politician who happens across this blog (I use the terms “veto”, “bipartisan” and “naked congressional pages” as tags quite regularly) I am outlining simple steps that can be taken to help create a better America.
Today, I take on the issue of gay marriage.
This is a bit of a foreign topic for me. Back in the 1950s there were only about 3 dozen homosexuals worldwide and they were largely dancers, florists or Republican congressmen. (I’m no Anita Bryant but I have it on good authority that the sudden increase in homosexuality we experienced in the 1960s had something to do with the hippie movement, brassiere burning and the smoking of LSD.)
Regardless of the cause, it seems nowadays you can’t swing a louis vuitton handbag without swatting a homosexualist on his way to the Feng Shui Hut for a banana smoothie and some anonymous sexual groping. It’s a bigger fad than poodle skirts, whiffle balls or abstract expressionism for Christ’s sake.
I didn’t mind when we gave homosexuals the right to vote, own property or allowed them basic human rights but I have to draw the line at gay marriage. It’s not that I’m overly concerned about issues of morality – in my view, the “S.S. Hell in a Handcart” sailed years ago and it’s only a matter of time until every damned one of us is spending an eternity getting stabbed in the ass with a flaming pitchfork anyway. It’s just that it’s damned preposterous.
The sole purpose of marriage is rapid and repeated procreation. Everyone knows that the nonsense about love and companionship is just window dressing used to make it more palatable to idealistic young people until such time as age and experience can beat the hopeless optomism out them. Marriage is about having children, putting on weight and losing your hair without fear of ending up alone. It’s an institution – like churches, schools and prisons.
Besides, nowadays the whole concept of matrimony has been butchered beyond recognition. No one stays married anymore. Any disagreement over pizza toppings or paint colors becomes an irreconcilable difference and grounds for immediate divorce. In my day we limited our reasons for separation to serious issues like an inability to bear children, madness or a being an untameable shrew.
It seems to me that we need put our own house in order before we start selling our faltering institutions to others. In business, most things with a 50 per cent failure rate are pulled from the shelves – not marketed to a larger audience.
So I’m sorry but I have to give a straight out “NO” to gay marriage. It’s regrettable, but in my opinion homosexuals will just have to find some other damned way to make each other miserable.