Skip to content

Angry Letters from a Crabby Old Man

Just because I’m retired, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a busy life.

In addition to blogging about damned young people I’m also treasurer of the pinochle league at my seniors centre, viceroy of an unauthorized chapter of Neighborhood Watch and write a minimum of one angry letter a week.

The letter writing is particularly important. I view it as my civic responsibility to voice my concerns whenever I see an affront to decency or common sense. (I currently have an 18-month backlog.)

Below is my letter writing roster for April:

April 2nd – Letter to the Editors of the Oxford English Dictionary

I’m only now getting around to complaining about the addition of the word “unfriended” to the 2009 OED but I’ll be pleading with them to put a moratorium on the inclusion of any additional new and utterly “redonculous” words.

There are hundreds of thousands of words in the English language and from what I see most young people use about 14 of them. We don’t need more words, we need people to start using the ones that already exist.  And until they do, I sure as Hell have no interest in seeing “smuttonchops,” “tastamalasty,” or ‘pornocopia” showing up in a dictionary, an encyclopedia or the damned Sunday Crossword.

April 9th – Letter to the Food and Drug Administration

It’s time for a congressional inquiry into what the Hell kind of additives, hormones, rat bile and voodoo are finding their way into our food supply.  I don’t know what it is or where it’s coming from but young people today are growing bigger and bigger and getting stupider and stupider by the moment. It’s terrifying.

If things continue at this rate, I calculate that by 2025 young people will have the same body mass/brain size ratio as damned dinosaurs.

April 16th – Letter to Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security

(I realize she’s just a secretary but I couldn’t find the name of the man in charge. Still, sometimes if you want to influence the boss it’s wise to have a contact in the steno pool anyway.)

I’m sick of homeland security kicking over rocks looking for swarthy noogoodnicks and setting off orange alerts every time someone named Mohammed licks a postage stamp. If they are really interested in homeland security they should try sending a few agents out to my home and securing it for Christ’s sake. I could use my locks changed, windows barred and some assistance in ridding my front lawn of crack-smoking young people, penny-ante gang bangers and defecating tabby cats.

Waterboard if you must, I just want them gone.

April 23rd – Letter to Westinghouse (Small Appliance Division)

I’ll be demanding to know where exactly in the owner’s manual it says that using my waffle iron to press my slacks voids the damned warranty.  I want a full refund or replacement – and expect to be compensated for my singed trousers as well.

April 30th – Letter to Record Company Executives

I realize I can’t turn the clock back and drive a wooden stake through the undead heart of rap music but surely to God something can be done to tone down the lyrical nastiness. I don’t know what “sometime y’all get crimey crimey, grimy grimy but those with a tiny hiney they get whiny whiny” means but it scares the bejeepers out of me and is likely very rude.

I’d even be happy if they’d simply clean up the damned song titles. Just changing “Pimp dat Bitch” to “Petticoat Nocturne in D Minor” takes the sting out of the enterprise and makes the whole ditty slightly more palatable. It’s not much, but it’s a start damn it.

Coming in May – letters to the Producers of The Price is Right, The Federal Administration on Aging, The local Piggly Wiggly and the Editor of the Pleasantville Chronicle.

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

89 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:07 am

    Uh oh! That April 16th letter could get you in some hot water with the ladies. I am not backing out of this room…I am running!!!!!

    • 12:12 am

      Thank you morethananelectrician.

      Trouble with the ladies? I hope not. When you get to be my age you find yourself terribly outnumbered.

      And I would think that if anyone could understand my concern about needing to focus a little more on community safety it would be the womenfolk. I’ve always found them to be entirely more sensible when it comes to those sorts of issues than men.

      All the best lad. Keep running but watch your knee.

      Best regards,

      Don

  2. YellowRoses610 permalink
    12:09 am

    Brillant as usual. Rap music and country. God I hate those. I like techno,Big band, Jazz, Rock, and a lot of Celtic bands.
    I am a huge Sinatra fan. He had a sexy voice.

    Any way, why don’t you write some letters about those Godamned idoit buisdrivers Talking on their cellphones, staring at me chest, not stopping at the proper stops. Bastards.

    • 12:18 am

      Rose!

      Nice to hear from you. I hope your studies are progressing well.

      Consider bus drivers ON my list. I’ll get to work on the letter as soon as possible. While they don’t tend to stare at my chest, they can be damned rude and are always rushing me to get up the steps.

      Plus they hate it when I start yelling at them to slow down and stop driving like maniacs.

      I’ll be happy to share a copy with you when done.

      Warm regards,

      Don

      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        1:19 am

        Thank you. Also on my list is this rather annoying boy who follows me aroudn campus. Apperently we were in middle school together. His following me around got so weird I bought a taser and pepper spray,m just in case he tries anything funny.

    • Mystsong permalink
      12:34 am

      Hey, hey hey. Leave country alone. You don’ listen to a wide enough sample to judge. Try listening to something written more recently than twenty years ago. Martina McBride or Lady Antebellum are good choices. Modern Country really has more in common with classic rock than classic country.

      Moving on…I’ve heard of making grilled cheese with your clothes iron, Mr. Mills, but ironing your clothes with a waffle maker? Wouldn’t that make them more wrinkly?

      Voodoo in the food supply…Have you been stealing from my garden?

      • 12:45 am

        Thanks mystsong,

        But what the Hell did I say about country music? I don’t think I said anything. Did I? And isn’t an Antebellum some kind of reference to the Civil War? And wasn’t Martina McBride that Eastern European tennis player?

        Jesus, I think you’re gaslighting me here…I haven’t been this confused since they switched the cereal aisle with the canned good aisle at the supermarket.

        Moving on indeed….

        I’ve made a grilled cheese with an iron. Damned tasty.

        But you’re right – ironing your clothes with a waffle maker does not only make them more wrinkly, it tends to set them aflame. What can I say? I was in a damned rush.

        I haven’t been raiding anyone’s garden. I have my hands full with my own and spend most of my time chasing off cats, crack addicts and the ever-popular public urinators.

        All the best,

        Don

        • 12:46 am

          Or you may have been referring to Rose’s comment…

          Never mind.

          Don

        • YellowRoses610 permalink
          1:21 am

          She was yelling at me not you. We fight about country music. I maintain it;s mornic, but she;s form the south.

          As for crack addicts I find their easy enough to scare off. especialy with my new taser. Hehe

          • Mystsong permalink
            7:03 pm

            I was indeed ragging on Rose. As far as I know that is a civil war reference. Can never quite be sure though.

  3. 12:20 am

    “Smuttonchops?” Mr. Mills, I try to be as hip and on the pulse as you are, but I have to plead ignorance on this one.

    Keep up your letter-writing campaign. Though the days have gone by when even the editor of your weekly pennysaver would reply to you, enough letters to the right people may just get you your own entry in the OED, though I hesitate to suggest what the definition may be.

    • 12:28 am

      Thank you bmj2k,

      I admit to not actually knowing the “meaning” of the word smuttonchops. I’ll go out on a limb though and suggest it’s rude, nasty and somewhat contrived. I would have looked it up on one of those young people websites but my doctor has told me I need to watch my blood pressure.

      I’ll keep writing letters and would encourage you to do the same. I find it to be a great release. It’s like yelling at someone without ever having to worry about them trying to interject.

      All the best bmj2k and thanks for popping in. Always good to hear from you.

      Don

  4. 12:36 am

    don,

    those are fine letters. i wonder if you could add reality show producers to your list. if i want to see a real housewife, i’ll just go next door. survivor? try making it on my monthly income. whiny tiara-wearing little kids with whiny parents? there are pta meetings all the time if i want to see that. women who don’t know they’re pregnant? they don’t need to be on tv, they need to be in sex ed classes. the latest is that they’re giving princess sarah palin a million and a half bucks for each episode of a reality show that shows the splendors of alaska. seriously? a mil and a half? 😯 if i want to see the splendors of alaska, i’ll buy that magazine with that nekkid levi johnston in it. i don’t need someone shrieking in my ear about it.

    thanks for taking care of this, don. if you ever need a co-signer on your letters, you know where to find me.

    • 12:51 am

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      Funny enough, that’s the subject of my post for next week. I miss Milton Berle, the Honeymooners and I love Lucy.

      I’ve always said that if I wanted to watch a bunch of no-talent nobodies I’d pull open my front drapes and look outside or visit a Mills family annual reunion.

      I’ll see if I can repackage it in a letter format. And if I do, I’d be happy to get your signature on it as well.

      All the best, Nonnie, and thanks for visiting.

      Don

      • 7:23 am

        I can do an “I Love Lucy” skit for your edification Mr Mills. Just name the bingo hall and I’ll be there

        • 12:09 am

          Many thanks Nursemyra. I’ll alert the social committee down at the Seniors’ Centre.

          All the best,

          Don

  5. 12:37 am

    Haha these were fantastic!

  6. 12:48 am

    Mr Mills, I would be interested to know how you got on with Westinghouse as I had a similar problem with their sandwich maker. In the end I was force to defriend them . Friggin smuttonchoppers

    • 12:57 am

      Thank you frigginloon,

      I’ll be sure to let you know how I make out. It may take a few “follow up” letters and some outrageous threats but I’ll wear them down in time. Worst case scenario, I take my burnt pants to their head office and start screaming at the top of my lungs. If I go that route I’ll likely get a free washer and dryer too.

      Friggin smuttonchoppers and pornucopians if you ask me.

      All the best,

      Don

  7. 12:54 am

    I will take the tabby cat.

    • 1:00 am

      Thank you sledpress,

      You’ll have to catch him first. Damned thing is slippery as Hell. Craps in my rose garden and is up the fence and gone before I can get my shoe off. I think his name is “Ignatius.”

      Good luck! Perhaps he’ll respond better to you than he does to me.

      All the best,

      Don

  8. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    1:15 am

    I asked my daughter to write a rap song for you Don. Here it is:

    “So there’s a youngster-hatin’ blogger and we call him Lil Mills, he’s busy bustin’ bitches so he never ever chills. When the kids approach poor Donny he goes headin’ for the hills, but sometimes he’s so angry he gets all up in their grills.”

    “Lil Mills hates their music, hates their mantras, hates their mood. The guys are lookin’ gangster while the girls are lookin’ lewd. They’ve never heard of manners so they’re always actin’ rude. The worst is when they call poor Don a “lame-o loser dude”.”

    “If Lil Mills ran the country he would herd kids by the masses into learning institutions where they wouldn’t get free passes. Yes, if Lil Mills ran the country he would lock kids in their classes; if they disrespected teachers then he’d have them beat their asses.”

    That’s a ‘wrap’ y’all.

  9. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    1:21 am

    My daughter just advised me that I did not punctuate her rap correctly. Ignore my liberal use of quotation marks.

    • 1:43 am

      Many thanks Elizabeth. Lovely to have you stop in.

      Please pass my thanks on to your daughter as well. I’m no P Diddy but I’d say that girl has significant talent. Unfortunately, it likely doesn’t contain enough “skanky ho” references to really make it profitable. The use of four syllable words and complicated ideas like “mantras” doesn’t help either. Regardless, I think it’s a damned fine piece of work.

      In fact, I’m tickled pink. Who knows, if I can put it to music I may have just found my act for the annual Pleasantville Seniors Centre Talent Show.

      All the best and my thanks once again to your daughter,

      Best regards,

      Don

  10. 1:41 am

    Dear Don,
    As I have publicly stated, I am trying to woo you. So, I found a rap song and had it translated just to give you an idea of what those dirty little pants-on-the-ground, gold-teef wearing idiots are saying when they do their “so-called music”. Here goes:

    Don’t see my ones, don’t see my guns – get it

    Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it

    In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia

    I don’t know what the hell’s stoppin’ ya

    I’m clockin’ ya – Versace shades watchin’ ya

    Once ya grin, I’m in game, begin

    TRANSLATION:

    Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I’m having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

    Actually makes no sense when it’s translated either.

    Your friend (presently but am hoping to change that a decade or so down the road)

    TrailerparkBarbie

    PS I hope this effort will show you that I have serious intentions as I do not do research for anyone else unless I get paid.

    • 2:06 am

      Many thanks TrailerparkBarbie,

      Sadly, as I’ve said before, my days or woo pitching are well behind me. Still, I truly appreciate the translation. Personally, I thought it had something to with chopping a cord of wood, ocean tide cycles and small watch repair. Damned confusing, I don’t mind telling you.

      Your translation is more disturbing – but certainly makes more sense.

      I appreciate all of the research and work that must have gone in to that, TrailerparkBarbie. And, yes, I see now that your intentions are quite serious.

      All the best and thanks again for the help. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Best regards,

      Don

  11. momromp permalink
    1:49 am

    Thanks for another hearty laugh, sir. I’ve often thought of writing to the FDA and suggesting that they put something similar to antabuse in the fatty foods that are popular with the young folk. (Antabuse is a drug that was used for the treatment of alcohol abuse; antabuse interferes with the breakdown of alcohol, resulting in yucky side effects (vomiting, stomach upset) when even a tiny amount of alcohol is consumed.)

    I don’t know though…those young folks (and to be fair, plenty of adults) seem to really love their twinkies and such. So even though they may run from manual labor like it’s the bubonic plague, they would probably endure a little GI distress if they could keep shoving preservative-filled fatty treats down their gullets. Kids.

    • 2:18 am

      Many thanks Momromp,

      I’m familiar with antabuse (not personally mind you – I enjoy my glass of rye but always in moderation) and think that we may well end up needing some sort of equivalent in order to wean people off their damned twinkies and slurpees and sugar-laden fast foods. And we may want to get on it quickly. It could be my imagination but despite the advances in modern medicine, people look a Hell of a lot less healthy now than they did 50 years ago. And back then, we smoked on the elevators at work.

      Many thanks momromp. Appreciate your stopping in. Always good a treat to hear from you.

      Best regards,

      Don

  12. 2:24 am

    I’m going to write a letter to the damned newspaper tomorrow morning. It used to be that a teenager would deliver the paper either early in the morning or right after school. it would always be delivered to the front porch. Now they got people driving while delivering the papers. Not only is it never brought to the porch, but it’s at the end of the driveway where the puddle is. I’ve had it!

    • 1:04 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      I still don’t understand what the Hell happened to the paperboy anyway. It seems like they just disappeared overnight. I don’t give young people a lot of credit but at least when young John or Sam or whatever the Hell is name was delivered the newspaper it made it to my front porch and didn’t end up in my weigela bush.

      Feel free to sign my name to the letter as well. And tell them to increase the font size damn it. I can barely read the obituaries.

      All the best,

      Don

  13. 2:59 am

    I’ve just learned an important lesson about bringing my laptop to bed: I can never read your “The Trouble with Young People” blog when my wife is sleeping. The giggling wakes her (and not in a good way). Some beautiful smackdowns, Don! You are the maestro!

    • 1:05 pm

      Thank you kindly Dan,

      Nothing I enjoy more than a decent smackdown (except maybe a tuna sandwhich and a glass of rye). It gives a man purpose. Many thanks all all my best to your wife.

      Regards,

      Don

  14. 3:17 am

    Don

    What you need to do, is focus on some average household products, like Bic Pens or Campbell’s Chunky Soup or something.

    If they decide to write back to you, more often than not, they’ll enclose coupons or store vouchers for all kinds of free products.

    I can tell you, my Mom does this all the time, and it’s become quite a lucrative hobby for her.

    • 1:50 pm

      Thank you Friar,

      An excellent suggestion and one that I already take full advantage of. In fact, I’m still working through two cases of Alphagetti that were sent my way after the unfortunate word that appeared in my spoon late last year. They claim it was pure chance but I still maintain that there was nothing accidental about finding F U DON staring up at me during my lunch.

      Please pass my best regards on to your mother.

      Kind regards,

      Don

  15. 3:46 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    Like you, I am all for letter writing. There’s no better way to communicate displeasure than to sit down and write a letter of complaint to everyone that has in some way wronged me.

    I’m curious, and a little impressed, that you know the words unfriend and redonculous. And the lyrics to those songs! Pimp dat bitch indeed! For an older gentleman, you are pretty with it.

    Regards,
    Carol

    • 1:51 pm

      Many thanks Mrs. King,

      The unfriending nonsense was in the newspapers last year and caused a minor stir at the seniors centre. I was charged with the responsibility of tracking down details taking the lead on expressing our considerable outrage.

      As for redonculous and the rap songs, unfortunately they seem to be everywhere. It’s not as much a question of being “with it” as it is being unable to avoid it. My neighbor’s idiot son likes to keep his bedroom window open while he gabs with his moron friends and blasts his asinine music.

      All the best, Mrs.King, and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  16. 4:29 am

    Haha! This was excellent. I’m a bit concerned, though, as I’m pretty sure this makes my 31 year old boyfriend a crabby old man already, because he is already a big fan of composing angry letters on a fairly regular basis. He also has stated that he feels it’s his civic duty to do so. I actually think it’s pretty sexy.

    • 2:00 pm

      Thank you Kate,

      I wouldn’t be concerned if I were you. Having a gentleman friend who is prepared to stand up to affronts and has a sense of civic duty is a damned fine thing (and rather rare).

      I’m not sure about the “sexy” part but I’d be happy to take you at your word on that.

      Best regards,

      Don

  17. 4:46 am

    Donald,

    I have a favor to ask , could you possibly fire off a angry letter to the Commemorative plates industry on my behalf.
    At one time , I tried to order a “Bullfighting Elvis on black velvet ” ( I may have been drinking ) instead , I received a never ending supply of decorative plates at the low price $19.99 each

    these are very nice plates , but one trip through the dishwasher and they’re even more worthless!

    I have tried many times to contact them and cancel , but I fear, I lack the experience and level of anger that is required…please help , I’m up to my ass in alligators so to speak ( that plate should arriving any day now)

    best wishes ..~David

    • 2:15 pm

      Many thanks David,

      I’d be happy to add the commemorative plate folks to my list. I’ll try to slot them in between the Boy Scouts of America and the LPGA. It may be June before I can get around to it I’m afraid but I’ll be pleased to take it on. Few things anger me more than crappy workmanship and if a decorative plate can’t stand up to a little soap and water what the Hell use is it.

      Send me the details and I’ll be happy to take a run at it. Always a pleasure to help out a friend.

      All the best, David.

      Don

  18. 8:42 am

    I’d buy this old man clap trap if it wasnt for the fact that you just complained to Homeland Security about alerts being too readily set off by “someone named Mohammed licking a postage stamp”. What kind of old fart complains about that?! All the old geezers I know are complaining about the fact that we have to share a country with people namedMohammed!

    • 2:16 pm

      Many thanks RubyTwoShoes.

      A decent little letter of complaint. You started off strong with the “clap trap” reference but I felt it could have used a few more “damns,” the occasional “balderdash” and a handful of “what the Hells.” Still, that’s a personal preference and not one I should impose on others.

      I do feel compelled to point out that not all old people are raving xenophobes. We have a number in our ranks, granted, but it’s not something exclusive to seniors. And besides, we’re also damned pragmatic. And if I don’t feel safe sitting on my porch after dark, I see that as very real home-style security issue that should damned well be addressed.

      All the best and thanks for writing.

      Don

  19. 8:43 am

    Ok, so my HTML skills need some work. Big shit.

  20. 11:43 am

    You know Don, if you ever get to the age where you find yourself unable to write due to the Parkinson’s, or just from ‘shaking with the fury of the righteous’ let me know. I’d be more than happy to pitch in for such a worthy cause. Especially the letter to the damn dictionary people. There have only been two additions I’ve understood in the last ten years; ‘googled’ which is great for finding pipe bomb recipes, and ‘truthiness’ which I know from watching the Colbert program. –He may be some kind of French fry, but the boy has the right attitude.

    Anyway let me know if you’d ever like my assistance. Angry letter writing is kind of what I do. It’s all I know really. It’s….it’s a way of life, is what it is. You’ll find my rates very reasonable as well. All I ask is for 10% of any and all pharmaceuticals you have in your home. Per letter of course.

    And by the way, “I realize she’s just a secretary but I couldn’t find the name of the man in charge” was absolutely stupendous!!

    • 3:18 pm

      Many thanks Scott,

      I have a fairly lengthy backlog of angry letters at the moment and may just take you up on your offer. I can use the help and have seen ample evidence of your ability to tear a strip off someone.

      Naturally, you’re welcome to whatever may be in my medicine cabinet but I should warn you that I haven’t cleaned it out in a while and a great deal of my pharmaceuticals are quite old and may have expired or been pulled from use by the drug companies due to unforeseen side-effects.

      If you’d be interested, I’m looking for letters of complaint to Legoland California, the Department of Education and the makers of Donkey Kong. Just drop me a line and I can sketch out my gripes in more detail.

      Many thanks Scott.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 4:29 pm

        Oh holy mother of God, I’ve hit the mother lode! SOLD. Yes, I’m in. I’ll singlehandedly destroy those godless Lego hippies, bring the DOE to its collective knees and bring Donkey Kong to tears for a crack at your medicine cabinet.

        Just email me the pertinent info when you get a chance, and I’ll get right to work. Meanwhile I have a little pillfinder.com research of my own to conduct.

  21. 11:55 am

    You might be onto something. The first guy to make Nikes used a Waffle iron to make the soles of the shoes. Waffle iron pants might cut down on resistance.

    • 3:35 pm

      Thank you Bearman,

      I’d heard that story about the fellow at Nike but was under the impression he had paid a child laborer three cents to do the waffling for him. Regardless, my interest wasn’t so much in reducing resistance as in adding a decent checked pattern to a pair of old golf slacks.

      Apparently waffle irons work better on shoes than they do on polyester pants.

      All the best,

      Don

  22. 12:36 pm

    Dear Mr Mills, being the conscientious citizen that you are, I have no doubt you also write letters of thanks. Being the inquisitive person that I am, I am curious as to the past and future recipients of your songs of praise. Thanking you in eager anticipation, Mr Mills, and sending you get well wishes, Miss Eyeball.

    • 4:41 pm

      Thank you Miss Eyeball.

      I have, indeed, sent a number of letters of thanks over the years. In 1963 I sent a very nice note to Lester Pearson, congratulating him on becoming the 14th Prime Minister of Canada. The following year I wrote to Elizabeth Montgomery thanking her for her fine performance as Samantha on “Bewitched” and in early 1971 I penned a very effusive note to my former neighbor. Oliver ‘Rusty’ Beck, for his assistance in removing a stump from my backyard.

      Credit where credit is due. No question.

      Many thanks Miss Eyeball. Nice of you to visit.

      Don

  23. 1:09 pm

    I was forced to finally write a letter to Simon Cowell, in care of American Idol. Now that he’s reached the semi-wise age of fifty, it’s about time he starts a “Retired American Idol” show. There are millions of us retired folks waiting to hear the beautiful voices of retired singers singing the hits of Frank Sinatra, Bessie Smith, and many more of the same genre. I, for one, will use my crank-phone to vote as many times as I can get through the party line.

    • 5:22 pm

      Well done Jammer. Retired American Idol is a damned fine idea. America’s Octogenarian Bachelor and America’s Best Seniors Dance Crew are other notions that viewers might find interesting.

      I hope you also took the time to lambaste that Cowell fellow for his inappropriate attire and suspicious accent.

      All the best, Jammer.

      Don

      • 5:57 pm

        I’m hoping with age comes respect, but in Simon’s case, I may be wishing on a damn road-kill.

  24. DJ Mills permalink
    3:38 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,
    Thank you for your inquiry’s and comments. I am your appointed Federal Government Representative Pointer in the Right Directioner. You will see answers and responses to your questions below:

    In response to inquiry directed to Food and Drug Administration: Most likely the vile substances in our nation’s food supply is produced and integrated by a company called Monsanto (fairly interesting reading, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monsanto). With the extremely large amount of lobbyist dollars supplied by this company, and the large number of powerful politicians who have a vested interest in the well being of this company, we must deny your request in removing any suspicious substances.

    In response to your inquiry directed to Secretary Janet Napolitano: The man in charge as you put, goes by the name Barrack Obama. You will be pleased to know, in adaptation to the times and current events, the Department of Homeland Security has massively scaled down our pursuit of ridding the United States of all men named Mohammad. We have massively shifted our focus to pursuits involving men named Jose, Carlos, Juan, Miguel and Guillermo, as well as a few select others. Our main efforts are in patrolling deserts for illegal Mexican immigrants and random shoe inspections at every airport in the United States. The Coast Guard is also leading a massive hunt for Captain Jack Sparrow and Haitians in floating pickup trucks. FEMA is actively standing by with nearly 5 cases of bottled water and a fire truck ready for deployment to anywhere a federal emergency is declared. Also, U.S. Secret Service is maintaining its mission of standing around in expensive suits for no apparent reason. As you can plainly see, we are a very busy organization. We are very aware of the situation in your front yard. However, we are unable to provide you any information regarding our efforts in your front lawn, as it is highly classified.

    Respectfully,
    Your Federally Appointed Pointer in Right Directioner

    • 12:51 am

      Many thank D.J.

      That’s a damned good comment. Seriously – thanks for that.

      You seem to have the language of government down pretty pat there, D.J. I’ve likely mentioned it but I spent a good part of my working life writing correspondence that had a remarkably similar tone. It was actually a little eerie reading that last sentence. I think I wrote the exact same thing in the summer of 1965.

      However, I think my usual closer was more along the lines of “I trust you found this information to be of assistance and, again, thank you for your interest in ______(fill in the blank.)

      Anyway, as my federally appointed pointer in the right directioner I would appreciate it if you could put in a good word, cut through a little red tape and see if you can get a little help pointed my way.

      I won’t hold my damned breath.

      Thanks again for the comment D.J. It was a good read and I appreciated the chuckle.

      Best regards,

      Don

  25. 4:45 pm

    Don, if you ever get writer’s block, and you want to see an example or two, you should check out this guy:

    http://www.jackassletters.com/

    Despite the websites’s name, the lad is quite sharp.

    Definitely worth the read.

    • 12:52 am

      Thanks very much, Friar.

      I’ll pop over now and take a look. Sounds interesting.

      Appreciate the lead,

      Don

      • 2:53 am

        Ah, hell, don’t bother. That sire is lame and the guy who runs it is a complete ass! I even heard he punches hamsters and eats puppies. Who does that? Sure, I can see the puppy eating, since there’s some good eats on them bones, but hamster punching? That’s pretty low if you ask me! I man, how many hits you think a hamster can take?

        It’s a sad world we live in when men punch hamsters!

  26. Matt--Dr Carol's husband permalink
    6:05 pm

    Regarding the subject matter of the April 2nd letter—-dare I mention “ebonics” to you?

    • 11:43 pm

      Many thanks Matt,

      Of course, feel free to mention anything you like but I’m not sure I see a connection between unfriended and ebonics. Smutton chops either – that one has almost a civil war feel to it. Could be you’re right though. I’m not sure where these damned things come from but I like my words to have been around the block a few times and make some sense.

      Nice to hear from you Matt. All the best,

      Don

  27. hisqueen permalink
    9:58 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    Don, Don, Don…..We could be great friends. You have a way of making me both laugh and be infuriated at the same time.
    All of your letters are written with exceptional quality, however I really must address the one to Secretary Janet Napolitano. There are two things that just got to me. First: she really would be better off as a secretary in real life. I have seen her several times on Stephen Colbert and am less than enthralled with her fake, weird attitude/personality. She doesn’t seem genuine about anything.
    Second I must address your lack of understanding of the postal system in today’s society. Nobody and I mean Nobody licks stamps anymore. We are so lazy that we have to have them already sticky for us. Also in this second category I must address the usage of the name Mohammed..I just happen to be married to one of those..even though his is spelled with a “u” and not an “o” it is still the same concept. First you slandered Doctors in your last post and now his name in this one. My poor hubby.
    Thank goodness I am so open minded and take your writing for what it truly is: An “old” mans way of releasing frustration and not directed at me personally in the least bit. I use the term “old” in a very loose sense since you are more “hip” to the terms of today’s youth than I am, even though I live with 2 of the male persuasion who are 14 and 17.
    Happy letter writing.
    Sincerely,
    Hisqueen

    • 11:56 pm

      Many thanks hisqueen,

      I’m quite sure we could be good friends as well. At least until one of us decided to “unfriend” the other over some minor farmville land-claim squabble. And, I do appreciate your tolerance of my outbursts. My wife Aggie didn’t find my funny but she certainly found me infuriating.

      Thank you for correcting me on the stamps. You’re right of course but for some reason I’ll always call it licking stamps, even though it has become a “peel and stick” activity.

      And I’d like to assure you his queen that it was not my intent in any way to poke fun at or condemn individuals named Mohammed. Quite the opposite in fact.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Gnash N. Teeth permalink
        2:49 am

        Thank you, Mr. Mills, for your open-mindedness. In addition to hisqueen’s comments, I’d like to point out that I, myself, have several Mohammeds in my family. And that many of us make our home in the Detroit area. (Heaven knows why, though. Really, I’ve always wondered why one of the coldest damn places on the planet is swarming w/ those of us whose progenitors are from the Middle East. We all complain like the devil about the cold & don’t even ask about our skills driving in the snow!) Basically, I just wanted to point out that some of the safest areas of Detroit are those where my Arab kin dominate. We take care of our own, we believe in education, and usually if one of us (particularly a female) is bothered, then 10 relatives will emerge to settle the score. Works for me!

        PS I also wanted to agree w/ you on the large children/small brains theory. I got a degree in English 20-some years ago, and like many people in that situation, entertained the idea of teaching. Being 5′ 2″ and scarcely 100 lbs, I soon realized that I’d have to stick to nursery school “students” if I didn’t want to be physically overwhelmed!

        • 12:04 am

          Many thanks Gnash N. Teeth.

          I appreciate your taking the time to share a bit of your background with me and apologize for the delay in responding. I’ve been busier than usual the last fews days (collecting affronts for future letters etc.,)

          All the best and thanks again.

          Don

      • The Celtic Queen permalink
        4:43 am

        Guys, in Oz we were once described as the arse end of the world by our very own Prime Minister at the time so we obviously have dipped out badly at Australia Post as we still sell those stamps you have to lick. You can get both here. The ones with the sticky stuff are usually sold in books. You can use one of those little wet sponge thingies, that’s if you can find one or dare to touch it.

        • 12:07 am

          Many thanks Celtic Queen.

          Arse end of the world? Nothing like national pride. I do hope he was speaking in jest.

          All the best,

          Don

  28. marymcmary permalink
    1:21 am

    I must say, changing “Pimp dat Bitch” to “Petticoat Nocturne in D Minor” sounds pretty awesome. I’m a sucker for a good nocturne.

    Carry on, sir. I think you’re doing a wonderful job of staying busy and making the world a better place.

    Mary

    • 2:03 am

      Many thanks Mary,

      Who doesn’t enjoy a nice nocturne? And it’s just so less jarring than “Pimp dat Bitch.” But, I suppose you can’t fight progress – I just wonder where it’s leading us.

      Thanks for the kind words, Mary. I do appreciate it.

      Warm regards,

      Don

  29. 7:26 am

    Don,

    Before reading this post, I have to admit that I had no idea what many of these Departments even did. Seeing as I speak regular North American English I really have no use for the Oxford dictionary, and being a bastard child means that I don’t even really know what my ethnicity is, let alone my homeland. But regardless, these letters are fantastic. It just goes to show what someone can accomplish, with just a little extra time and a lot of nothing else going on in their life.

    Which reminds me…with all of these angry (but fair) letters you’ve been writing, I’m starting to worry that maybe you’re too wound up to get your 12-20 hours of recommended shut-eye every night. That’s why I thought you might be interested in this- http://www.bonkersinstitute.org/showpics/thorazsenile.gif

    Apparently it’s still in its testing stages, but as far as complaints go, so far no one over the age of 70 has made so much as a peep. (Let me know if you’re interested, I can get you a discount.)

    Great work, Don. Keep fighting the valiant fight against those penny-ante gang bangers and defecating tabby cats like only a man with your sticktoitiveness (and vocabulary) can.

    Your friend,

    Bschooled

    (ps. Tastamalasty?)

    • 12:16 am

      Many thanks Bschooled,

      I appreciate your concern but can assure you that I’m wound up just right. Tight enough to smack a crossing guard for insolence, but not so tight that I come back and hour later and run him down with my car. Maintaining an even keel can be challenging rather than using fancy pants medicatiosn, I prefer the calming effects of bran cereal, rye and some deep knee bends.

      If I change my mind, however, I’ll be sure to let you know. I always enjoy the opportunity for a discount.

      Best regards,

      Your friend,

      Don

  30. 11:48 am

    You’ve only struck the tip of the iceberg Don, even if you cleared out your backlog. BTW, Janet Napolitano is, despite what everyone is saying, a woman…and I have this on the best authority from Janet Reno. If you need my help to ‘smack the bitch up,’ let me know. Good luck with you work.

  31. 12:55 pm

    Don…thanks for the heads up on “unfriended”. I had it all wrong apparently when I was saying “defriended”. 😉

    And you mean Janet Napolean is not the boss???? 🙂

    • 12:19 am

      Nice to hear from you Jill,

      Personally, I still don’t see what’s wrong with “enemy.” It’s far more direct.

      And I don’t know what’s going on in Washington or who’s running the damned show. They really should put out a large print list of who does what.

      All the best,

      Don

  32. 2:41 pm

    Don –

    Wonderful job sticking it to the various men (and the steno pool ladies). I couldn’t have done a better job myself, and I pride myself on my letter writing skills. This is trolling old-school. Hopefully, they’ll rise to the bait and you can give them a good old pasting with your years of wisdom and bitterness.

    If you need any assistance finding the troublemakers in need of a good, wordy letter, please contact me. I’ve got the ear of the fellows down at 4chan and if anybody can bring somebody else’s world to a sudden and severely frightening halt, it’s the loose confederation of hackers and porn aficionados that frequent /b/.

    My condolences in advance if some wires get crossed somewhere and you end up minus your phone service and your car vandalized with various lewd lolcatz and tentacle porn.

    Sincerely,
    CLT

    • 12:25 am

      Many thanks CLT,

      I’ve read your letters of complaint – they’re damned excellent. Some of the best I’ve ever read.

      Now I’m afraid I’ve never heard of this 4 chan but I can’t stand the damned lol catz and love my Buick so I think I’ll decline your kind offer.

      All the best, lad.

      Don

  33. Susi Spice permalink
    3:37 am

    oh my goodness, i havent laughed so hard in ages. thanks grandpa! hehe

    I love angry letters! if you ever need help you know where to find me!

    luv me

    • 12:34 am

      Many thanks Susi,

      I’m glad to hear you share my interest in angry letters and appreciate your offer of assistance.

      One small thing…you may wish to consider finding an alternative manner of signing off your comments. While I appreciate the intent of “luv me” there are those out there that may read it as some form of request.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  34. 11:44 am

    Wonderful stuff, Mr. Mills.

    Writing a good snotty letter is an art form. In which case, you are indeed the new Carryvajj err… Careveggeeoh err… Carvareginald … Turner.

    • 12:46 am

      Many thanks Nobbly,

      Carvareginald Turner? I think that’s the name of the footstool I bought when Hattie dragged me to the damned IKEA . Nasty place…

      All the best,

      Don

  35. Shafali permalink
    2:31 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    I loved reading your letters (and I am waiting for the second installment.) I wish I could write such wonderful complaint letters to this particular bank whose sales representatives have been hounding us at least twice a day to “sell” their “Titanium” credit card to us. For the last two months we’ve been telling them that we don’t need their “goddamn” credit card – but it hasn’t been working at all…and what’s worse is that a new young robot of a joker calls us every time. After about 80 such calls, I am allowed to lose patience…am I not?

    And all this when I have a lot of work to do (the caricature of the Queen included) – I am not sitting in a stinking call-center dialing numbers dammit!

    Do you have some plans of starting some tutorials on writing effective complaint letters?

    Warm Regards,
    Shafali

    • 12:56 am

      Many thanks Shafali,

      I suspect you don’t need any tutorials and are more than capable of expressing your displeasure in a tasteful yet colorful manner.

      I also get (and hate) the damned banks calling me every ten minutes trying to sell me a platinum this, titanium that and silver the other thing. They’d be wise to spend a little less time shining up their credit cards and take some time to polish their customer service skills instead.

      Fortunately for me, I can play the “daft old man” role when they call and have some fun with them “Geranium Credit Cars? What the Hell is that?” Or I ask them if they could try to find a copy of a cheque I wrote in 1974. Or two explain what interest is and how it’s calculated. Anything, really, to exhaust them and have them hang up as quickly as possible.

      I think, however, you are well within your rights to give the next caller a damned earful and tell him in no uncertain terms that if and when you decide you want a credit card you will call them – and that they need not bother you in the interim.

      Good luck!

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

      • 3:58 am

        I’ll need a lot of luck in getting rid of them, Mr. Mills. They are persistent…and they are abuse-resistant too. They are like the viruses that’ve mutated and have become resistant to the different vaccines that were being used to treat them!

        I like your idea of playing the “daft old man”. In fact, I’ll play the complete moron! “Credit Card? What’s a credit card…I don’t want a card on credit…etc.”

        Warm Regards,
        Shafali

        • The Celtic Queen permalink
          12:01 pm

          Shafali I love it now when they call. You’re correct, they are abuse resistant but you don’t have to abuse them. All you do is ask them to hold on a minute and leave your phone off the hook. Time is precious to them as they have a quota to fill so if you hold them up they hang up. I find it absolutely fascinating that one can become so irritated by them yet they remain so calm. Now that is commendable! I know in Oz people get sick of Indian call centres calling them about this that and the other. I used to myself but really there is no need to lose your cool with them at all. Think about it, they are far more pleasant to you than you are ready to be with them. They get their point across and in the end you just leave the phone on the bench for a little while and next thing you know they are gone. You really don’t even have to say “Goodbye”.

          I’d love to see your caricature of ‘The Queen’. In fact I can’t wait.

  36. 2:46 am

    Kind Sir-

    Has anyone ever written a complaint letter to you about your own site?

    If so, it certainly was not I. And the miscreant should be ashamed.

    For what it’s worth, I find your work quite enchanting.

    Yours in Love,
    Denny DelVecchio
    yournewbadhabit.blogspot.com

    • 3:39 pm

      Many thanks Denny,

      I’ve received more than a few nasty comments and a dozen or two angry letters via the “Send a Message to Don” tab at the top of the blog. I was thinking of posting a few of the letters I’ve received. While I’m generally unimpressed by young people, there have been a few instances in which they have really gone to considerable lengths to rip a strip off of me. For the most part, however, they are just rude words and run on sentences.

      All the best and thanks for the kind words,

      Don

  37. 3:46 pm

    A+ I could not say it better then you thats forsure.

  38. Anonymous permalink
    10:59 pm

    HI ,,DON,,
    YOU ARE SO DEAR TO ME
    YOU ARE GREAT MAN

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s