Angry Letters from a Crabby Old Man
Just because I’m retired, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a busy life.
In addition to blogging about damned young people I’m also treasurer of the pinochle league at my seniors centre, viceroy of an unauthorized chapter of Neighborhood Watch and write a minimum of one angry letter a week.
The letter writing is particularly important. I view it as my civic responsibility to voice my concerns whenever I see an affront to decency or common sense. (I currently have an 18-month backlog.)
Below is my letter writing roster for April:
April 2nd – Letter to the Editors of the Oxford English Dictionary
I’m only now getting around to complaining about the addition of the word “unfriended” to the 2009 OED but I’ll be pleading with them to put a moratorium on the inclusion of any additional new and utterly “redonculous” words.
There are hundreds of thousands of words in the English language and from what I see most young people use about 14 of them. We don’t need more words, we need people to start using the ones that already exist. And until they do, I sure as Hell have no interest in seeing “smuttonchops,” “tastamalasty,” or ‘pornocopia” showing up in a dictionary, an encyclopedia or the damned Sunday Crossword.
April 9th – Letter to the Food and Drug Administration
It’s time for a congressional inquiry into what the Hell kind of additives, hormones, rat bile and voodoo are finding their way into our food supply. I don’t know what it is or where it’s coming from but young people today are growing bigger and bigger and getting stupider and stupider by the moment. It’s terrifying.
If things continue at this rate, I calculate that by 2025 young people will have the same body mass/brain size ratio as damned dinosaurs.
April 16th – Letter to Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security
(I realize she’s just a secretary but I couldn’t find the name of the man in charge. Still, sometimes if you want to influence the boss it’s wise to have a contact in the steno pool anyway.)
I’m sick of homeland security kicking over rocks looking for swarthy noogoodnicks and setting off orange alerts every time someone named Mohammed licks a postage stamp. If they are really interested in homeland security they should try sending a few agents out to my home and securing it for Christ’s sake. I could use my locks changed, windows barred and some assistance in ridding my front lawn of crack-smoking young people, penny-ante gang bangers and defecating tabby cats.
Waterboard if you must, I just want them gone.
April 23rd – Letter to Westinghouse (Small Appliance Division)
I’ll be demanding to know where exactly in the owner’s manual it says that using my waffle iron to press my slacks voids the damned warranty. I want a full refund or replacement – and expect to be compensated for my singed trousers as well.
April 30th – Letter to Record Company Executives
I realize I can’t turn the clock back and drive a wooden stake through the undead heart of rap music but surely to God something can be done to tone down the lyrical nastiness. I don’t know what “sometime y’all get crimey crimey, grimy grimy but those with a tiny hiney they get whiny whiny” means but it scares the bejeepers out of me and is likely very rude.
I’d even be happy if they’d simply clean up the damned song titles. Just changing “Pimp dat Bitch” to “Petticoat Nocturne in D Minor” takes the sting out of the enterprise and makes the whole ditty slightly more palatable. It’s not much, but it’s a start damn it.
Coming in May – letters to the Producers of The Price is Right, The Federal Administration on Aging, The local Piggly Wiggly and the Editor of the Pleasantville Chronicle.