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Getting a Rise out of an Old Man

Old people tend to save their anger for important issues.

Young people just fly off the damned handle.

Charts don’t lie and neither do old people. Damned young people get my goat.

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150 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:04 am

    Replace “closed-mouth kissing” with “losing internet connection”, and I would officially be old.

    • 12:12 am

      Congratulations Ahmnodt,

      I think we can accept one small substitution. And it’s likely wise. If you are serious about running for public office you’ll know that voters tend to prefer old white men – we’re perceived to be authoritative yet seemingly ineffectual at the same time. It’s a damned gift.

      Remind me to teach you the secret handshake.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 2:35 am

        Since I have been seriously lobbying for Secretary of State in the Ahmondt Heare administration, will you teach me the secret handshake, too. It’s not just an old white guy thing is it?

        • The Celtic Queen permalink
          8:34 am

          Ah TPB every time I see your Gravatar I have to laugh. It’s just the cutest thing. What is it and where did you find it? It’s adorable. I know Bearman is going to think I’m weird as he’s commented on it before but it’s funny.

          We can’t all have green hair Bearman. Well we could if I felt inclined, but I don’t.

  2. marymcmary permalink
    12:06 am

    I think substandard egg salad should hit higher on the thermometer. After all, it can make you pretty sick if it’s substandard enough. Be careful!

    Mary

    • 12:15 am

      Thank you Mary,

      A good point. Dodgy eggsalad can be as lethal as it is objectionable. I’ll be very cautious in future.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  3. 12:24 am

    “Bum fluff goatees.”

    Just letting that one find its place in my list of phrases that must be employed in casual conversation.

    “Soul Patch” my ass. Er, uh, figuratively speaking.

    • 12:33 am

      Many thanks Joan,

      I’m 99 per cent sure I heard that expression first from my old dad. Of course, it wasn’t “bum fluff goatee” he would have said. More likely it was “bum fluff moustache” and he was probably referring to one my friends.

      Always nice to hear from you Joan.

      Best regards,

      Don

  4. 12:35 am

    Blahahahah Mr Mills I’m afraid I fall into both categories this week…. “snowmen with genitals” would be in my Apoplectic zone, so too “losing internet connection”. I am sure dumbassed Y gens were behind it !!!!

    • 12:46 am

      Many thanks Frigginloon,

      It is damned atrocious. There is only one place for a carrot on a snowman and that’s square beneath the eyes.

      All the best, loon.

      Don

    • Susi Spice permalink
      1:45 am

      hey im Gen Y! im not like that!😛

  5. 1:05 am

    My line of thought got lost at “Cracne.”

    I am pretty sure Boners are only “bad” in public locker rooms. When they are witnessed in other locations, it may make other people angry. Allowing boners in Church might be the only way to get young people in there these days.

    • 1:39 am

      Thank you morethananelectrician,

      Don’t worry about losing your train of thought. That damned cracne will do it every time.

      One of the joys of having a crack house move into your neighborhood is that you get to witness first hand all of the fun side effects that accompany extended drug use. Crime, cracne…don’t even get me started on crackwalking. That’s something to see.

      I have no idea what the current view on boners in church is and, frankly, suspect I’d rather not know. Contemplating cracne is disturbing enough for this old man.

      Thanks for stopping in, lad. Always good to hear from you.

      Don

  6. 1:05 am

    Don;

    I’m surprised that for the old men, lawns (or the mis-use thereof) aren’t mentionned.

    As for getting boners in church. That’s unlikely to happen. I mean…since when do today’s kids go to church?

    • 1:46 am

      Many thanks Friar,

      I can’t believe I missed that. I guess I was so overwrought by damned cereal with marshmallows, phone trees and public kissing that I completely overlooked the most obvious irritant of all. Perhaps I can just say that it goes without saying…

      And, sorry, but I’m not making any additional boner references. I’m still learning my lesson from the “having erections rammed down my throat” debacle of a few weeks back.

      All the best, Friar.

      Don

    • 2:36 am

      Excellent point about the boners in church, Friar!

    • 7:16 am

      I went to a christening in a catholic church last week and was astounded at how many young people were there. I didn’t see any boners but there were plenty of piercings, tattoos, miniskirts, high heels and chest hair on display.

      And here I was worrying that the neckline on my dress might be showing a little too much clavicle!

  7. 1:23 am

    i would add this to raising an old man’s temperature:

    driving in front of a tailgating young person (whose sound system is turned up so loud even turning off your hearing aid doesn’t help).

    and this to raising a young man’s temperature:

    driving behind a slow-driving old person (who hasn’t turned his turn signal off in 8 miles and who can’t be seen above the back of the driver’s seat).

    • 1:50 am

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      Those are excellent additions. Though I would defend to my death the right of an old man to drive a sensible speed with his indicator on at all times. There is no such thing as too much notice of a turn.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • The Celtic Queen permalink
        3:09 am

        Lol I do that with the indicator and I’m not that old. Sometimes it just doesn’t cut out and it’s quiet so I don’t hear it . Other than that Don, an excellent post as usual and ” bum fluff goatee ” is an excellent description.

  8. 1:26 am

    Mr. Mills, as always, I salute your sagacity.

    Where does enrolling them in the military to get some much needed structure and responsibility, then sending their lazy asses off to war fall on the young people’s chart?

    Keep up the good work, Mr. Mills.

    • 2:02 am

      Many thanks bmj2k,

      A good question. I don’t know that you’d be able to measure the effect on their blood pressure as I suspect most would pass out cold on the floor at the very mention of it.

      Always a pleasure bmj2k.

      Don

  9. 2:01 am

    Cracne…HAHAHAHA!

    Once again, you are right on. At least old and young people can agree on the high cost of drugs. Last week in my little community 18 young people were busted for delivering drugs. I wonder if they are going to like paying the price in years. By the time they get out of prison, they won’t have to worry about family reunions or planning, or cereal with bran in it, for that matter. Ahem.

    • 2:13 am

      Thank you yellowcat,

      It’s always nice to find issues of cross generational concern, isn’t it?

      It’s a damned shame when young people just up and throw their lives away. But if you’re going to be a damned 2-bit moron criminal you have to be prepared to pay the price.

      Best regards,

      Don

  10. 2:17 am

    1. What is a “bum fluff” goatee
    2. Does anyone actually give “guff” anymore?
    3. Wasn’t your pacemaker built after 1957?
    4. Cracne….luckily I never had to deal with that one.
    5. I think if I were a young person and lived next door to you that may pushed further up into the red.

    • 2:31 am

      Thank you Bearman,

      Always logical, inquisitive and to the damned point. I’ll try to respond in kind.

      1. What is a “bum fluff” goatee

      Bum fluff facial hair is an expression that may or may not have been coined by my old dad. It would refer to facial hair grown by young men that is immature, whispy, downy and which would more appropriately be located on someone’s rear end. Likely, a woman’s rear end.

      2. Does anyone actually give “guff” anymore?

      I believe you have given my ample amounts of guff on several occasions. You’ve also given me some significant sass and a fair amount of lip. Regardless, you’re a good lad and I like you.

      3. Wasn’t your pacemaker built after 1957?

      I don’t actually have a pacemaker. In the event I ever require one, however, I am prepared. I very shrewdly purchased a 1956 Twin Chamber Valve-o-tron at a discount medical fair in Akron a number of years back and have it packed in an overnight bag in my closet.

      4. Cracne….luckily I never had to deal with that one.

      Lucky indeed. It’s unfortunate to look at and expensive to acquire.

      5. I think if I were a young person and lived next door to you that may pushed further up into the red.

      You may well be right son.

      All the best and thanks for the comment. I enjoyed that.

      Don

  11. 2:41 am

    Don…you just have to use the word “persnickity” in there somewhere.

    You know what else whould get those titty-babies temperatures up…take some of those lewd videos off of the damn televsion. I, for one, do not enjoy surfing channels and seeing some gimmicked-up hoochie girl with a phone on her head being mauled my fellow female inmates in jail. Those TB’s like that stuff! We need to boycott all of the companies that sponser that smut until the sponsers pull away. Boy, that would certainly piss off the titty-babies!

    As usual, you are right on the money, Don. LOVED THE CHARTS!

    • 12:57 pm

      Thank you trailerparkbarbie,

      Hoochie girls being mauled by female inmates? Is that one of those reality shows? Thankfully I turn in at 8:30 sharp every night and am spared the sight of that. It’s also the reason I rely heavily on the T.V. Guide when selecting my television programs. The world was a safer place when there only three channels and you had to get out of your chair and change them manually.

      All the best and thanks very kindly.

      Don

  12. momromp permalink
    2:54 am

    As always, a wonderful post, sir. I might have added to the young person’s list: “manual labor” , “writing or speaking in complete sentences”, and “consequences”.

    • 12:57 pm

      Thank you very much, momromp.

      Excellent additions all. If I ever have cause to revise the list, I’ll be sure to add them in.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  13. 4:11 am

    Dear Mr Mills,
    I see you are beginning to see that young folk and old folk are really not so different after all! I feel this bodes well for your general health and well-being. Jolly good, old chap!
    Best wishes as always, do take care of yourself,
    Miss Eyeball.
    P.S. Have you ever tried yoga?

    • 12:58 pm

      Thank you Miss Eyeball,

      Beyond a tenuous interest in drug pricing and mutual disdain for Allen Ginsberg I’m not sure I see much in the way of commonality. I don’t understand how one can compare righteous indignation over questionable eggsalad and expressing petty aggravation over sensible trousers.

      And, no, I’ve never tried yoga. I used to exercise regularly with a chest expander, and was a proponent of deep knee bends and jumping jacks but sadly my exercise these days is limited to light gardening and vigorous cane waving.

      All the best,

      Don

  14. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    4:55 am

    Regretfully, I have to admit that I have crossed an age threshold. No longer am I merely peeved, perturbed or pissed on a regular basis, but am now rather agitated, angry and apoplectic (which gets dangerously close to apocalyptic when I finally explode). I have to work daily on maintaining a slow simmer and not let my emotions come to a rolling boil. May I add a few items to your list?

    1) forms that (regularly) don’t have enough room for your name or social security number (there should be a standardized national form that all businesses use with a supplemental form attached for other pertinent information that may be needed by the business you are patronizing).

    2) unsliced bread at the supermarket and all the bakery employees have gone home

    3) lack of employees in general (the last few decades I have been down to BEGGING businesses to take my money)

    4) businesses that do not put their street number in a conspicuous place so it can be readily SEEN from the street (how can I patronize you if I can’t find you?)

    5) people who don’t dress according to the occasion. Please don’t show up at the Bellagio wearing shorts, flip-flops and a tank top!!!!!! And is it too much to ask people to stuff their excess adipose into a proper Spandex impregnated undergarment? I see people on TV dressed for the ballpark in all their logo’d t-shirt/ballcap glory. Folks, you’re ON TV!!! Even atheists own church clothes!

    Okay, so I am starting to get ‘long in the tooth’ but the following also bother the hell out of me:

    1) Twitter over capacity

    2) American Idol going over the allotted time and my DVR didn’t record it

    3) Google maps that don’t keep up with growth

    4) no way to undo all caps on the keyboard when you accidently leave the cap key on.

    Thanks Don for allowing me to ventilate. That was cathartic.

    • 1:34 pm

      Many thanks Elizabeth,

      Wonderful additions. I too find myself particularly aggrieved by poorly designed forms that lack adequate room for your information. I also get irked by the miniscule fonts they seem to be written in. I don’t generally carry a magnifying glass in my cardigan pocket and resent having to ask “Zippy” the 18-year old customer service drone to assist.

      Likewise, I share your views on street numbers and the use of appropriate clothing. I attended a funeral recently (I do that a lot) and was horrified by the way people young and old were dressed. The lad in front of me was wearing those gigantic neon sunglasses when he arrived and then just propped them atop his head for the service. I felt like swatting them off his fool head and telling him to put them in his damned pocket. Still, at least he had the decency to wear a black leather jacket with Versace written across the back.

      All the best Elizabeth and thanks for sharing. Nothing wrong with getting “long in the tooth.” There are a great number of advantages, in fact.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • elizabeth3hersh permalink
        12:34 am

        My eyes FEAST when I see some of your gentleman posters looking dapper and dandy in their well chosen avatars. The haberdashery is still alive!! I have made it a habit of life to thank strangers on the street when they dress up (I rarely issue a thank you, but when I do it is well received). Thank you, gentlemen and thank you, Don.

    • DJ Mills permalink
      4:09 pm

      I have to agree in small part with the American Idol recording, but I’m on the other end of it. To Hell with American Idol, I take great pleasure in watching Chef Gordon Ramsey rip some moron wannabe restaurant owner and their good for nothing staff a new ass. I take notes and use them on my own staff. But when I turn it on, all I get is some whiny, babbling mess of a teenager trying to sing a final song. I don’t want to see that crap.

  15. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    6:12 am

    I couldn’t agree more on the barber thing. When my old barber moved away finding a new one who would just give me a regular short hair cut was a challenge. I have to say on what gets my goat I’d probably agree more with the old person than the young person section of it. Except I love my internet.

    • 10:43 am

      I had to leave my barber as he gave me the same little boy cut (part on the left) until I was 27. I saw him on the street years later and he waved to me and said “I do all the new styles now.” All I ever wanted was it combed back. Pretty sad.

    • 1:47 pm

      Many thanks lookingforsomethingtofind,

      It’s damned near impossible to find a sensible barber these days. I’ve given up and just started having my personal support worker Hattie give me a weekly trim. She still hasn’t gotten the hang of a short back and sides but it’s preferrable to going to the Mall and walking away with a $60 feathered shag.

      All the best,

      Don

  16. 8:43 am

    Guess I am old:-(

    An excellent classification, Mr. Mills, and also a much needed one:)

    Also thanks for explaining the term, “Bum Fluff Goatee” in such a lucid manner. I agree with you on “Art that has to be interpreted.” This wouldn’t ever be a problem for the damned young people (who knows they might turn up at your door asking, “what is “interpretation””?

    Warm Regards,
    Shafali

    • 1:47 pm

      Thank you kindly Shafali,

      Nothing wrong with getting older. It provides much needed perspective. And I apologize if the bum fluff goatee explanation was a tad on the graphic side but there was no other way to convey its meaning.

      All the best,

      Don

  17. Kate permalink
    8:45 am

    Losing their internet connection should be just under the high cost of drugs in the red zone. Have you ever witnessed anyone under 30 not being able to twitter or facebook? Not a pretty sight. It would definitely bring on an outbreak of cracne.

    I too disagree slightly over the boners in church, they don’t go to church except to get married or attend the christening of one of the offspring they acquired while under the influence of the drugs. That could be in the “agitated” category for older persons: the way that young atheists who knock Christianity like to have their ceremonies in a church, and use the flash on their cameras and twitterpate while doing so.

    Otherwise Sir Don, a first class post.

    • 2:42 pm

      Many thanks Kate,

      I suspect you’re right and that I ranked the loss of an internet connection slightly on the low side. Based on the comments I’ve received, it might also have fit well on the “old people” side of the equation as well.

      And I quite agree with respect to your comment on the use of churches as little more than a ceremonial backdrop. It’s a very interesting point, actually, and I appreciate your raising it.

      All the best and thanks very much for visiting.

      Don

  18. 9:00 am

    About the only thing that gets my pissed anymore is when people write checks at the grocery store. Still Don, an impressive list for both young and old.

    • 2:42 pm

      Many thanks FJ,

      It’s either pay by cheque or experience a lengthy delay while I sort my small bills and dole out the correct change. You can’t rush a man when settling his bill and I don’t trust those damned ATM cards.

      All the best.

      Don

      • The Celtic Queen permalink
        11:26 pm

        Don, come on ATM cards and internet banking are here to stay and it saves you rushing around paying those damned bills. You can also run investment accounts and manage them from your recliner chair. You can buy from the net and pay though Pay Pal. Supposing you become bed ridden, do you trust your carer with your money? No, you manage it from your laptop in your bed. It’s the best thing to happen to banking I feel. No more standing in queues, no more bank tellers. Your pension goes into a chosen account and from then on it’s all up to you.
        You just have to embrace it Don.

  19. 9:47 am

    Is cracne what happens when crackheads pick at their face? Hilarious Don, and as you may have guessed, I’ve composed a list of other things you may have overlooked that probably at least irritates you…

    The fist bump
    Touchdown celebrations
    Ultimate fighting
    Ebooks/kindle
    Remote control airplanes
    Uppity paperboys
    Free breakfast day at Denny’s
    Home Depot
    Homeless men asking for beer money
    Anything ‘avant garde’
    Trucker hats
    Flip-flops when worn by your bank manager
    European swimwear
    Tramp stamps on fat girls
    Teenage vampires and wizards
    Incompetent weatherman
    Pharmaceutical commercials

    Everything used to annoy me as well, until I asked my doctor about Xanex.

    • 2:45 pm

      Xanax makes me feel like Gumby.

    • 5:56 pm

      Many thanks Scott,

      More than expecting, I believe I was counting on some additions to the list. And fine additions they are as well. I’m particularly peeved by uppity paperboys and incompetent weathermen but that “avant-garde” business doesn’t sit well either. I think the rough English translation is “hooey-crap.”

      Always a pleasure, Scott.

      Best regards,

      Don

  20. DJ Mills permalink
    2:04 pm

    You should add something in there on the young person side about damned old people driving as if they are behind the wheel of a 1908 Model T. I hate to beat a dead horse, but that really does irritate me. I mean, I don’t get it. Is it just a case of Mr. Burns syndrome and you don’t have enough strength to depress the accelerator more than a few millimeters? Or are you honestly trying to infuriate everyone around you? I can understand the temporary memory lapse and mild deafness with the turn signal being on for a full 32 miles. But I honestly don’t understand why you can’t do the speed limit, or at the very least, get the hell out of the way of everyone else.

    But, I suppose the same can be said for young people driving like lunatics with a death wish. But that can be easily attributed to enough testosterone and hormones shooting through their bodies to kill a blue whale. That combined with their under developed sense of judgment, over developed sense of confidence and newly found freedom is literally a recipe for death and general bad things. I was thinking I can live with that, as fast and moronic drivers typically don’t hold me up. Then I remembered I am frequently sitting in a horrendous traffic jam because of one of these boneheads. I guess it all goes back to that old George Carlin joke, “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

    • 6:07 pm

      Many thanks D.J.

      I didn’t care for the 1908 Model T. A little too flashy and fast for me. I prefer a slower moving vehicle – safety first!

      An excellent comment, lad, at least the last half of it. I’m not sure I can agree with the first paragraph but I suppose I’m slightly biased since I don’t like to get my Buick LeSabre above 27 mph and tend to leave my indicator on at all times.

      My views of reckless young drivers can be found here, DJ, if you’re interested.

      https://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/2009/04/25/god-damned-crazy-driving-young-people-make-me-livid/

      And thanks for letting me know that George Carlin saying is a joke. I’ve just always taken it to be the god honest truth. Idiots and maniacs – without them there would only be me on the road.

      All the best,

      Don

  21. 2:39 pm

    Ya know what really ticks me off?
    Presidents who are younger than me.
    That really ticks me off.

    • 6:09 pm

      Thank you seknablogger,

      The first one is the toughest. After that it tends to get easier. It’s the damned 24 year old heart surgeons that get me worried.

      Best regards,

      Don

  22. 3:31 pm

    The lists are right on, dude! (Obviously, that enthusiastic shoutout means I’m a young person.)

    However, I’ve also used the phrase “get my goat” since I was knee-high to a duck. And my kids would ask “You have a goat? What goat? Where is it?” Maybe I AM an old fart too.

    Or maybe we need a list for middle-aged Generation X-ers (you know, the coolest, most rockin-est Gen ever, like totally.

    • 7:50 pm

      Many thanks Marissa.

      I’ll give some though to that list. I suppose there is a generation somewhere in between we noble seniors and those damned young people. I’m not sure about “coolest and most rockin-est gen ever” but I’m not an excellent judge of hepnositiy – my rocking is generally confined to a chair.

      I appreciate the comment and the visit.

      Best regards,

      p.s. You should consider getting a goat. They’re an excellent addition to any household.

      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        4:44 am

        Goats are often bad mannered eat almsot everything and deficate uncontrolibly. That si a very bad idea.

  23. 9:23 pm

    I must lead a sheltered life. Snowmen with genitals? LOL! I wasn’t going to comment, but five minutes later, I was reading an Irish blog which mentioned this:

    http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/816137-family-told-to-cover-up-offensive-snowlady

    • 2:44 pm

      Many thanks merrilymarylee,

      I wish I led a more sheltered life. It would be a Hell of a lot less aggravating. That damned snowwoman is exactly the type of thing I’m referring to. And that bikini top they threw on top is no improvement. A decent one piece bathing costume would have been entirely more appropriate.

      All the best.

      Don

  24. 12:10 am

    Thank you for this hilarious post.

    For a crabby old fart you’ve got a wonderful sense of humor! I don’t know if you had some help from a youngster computer geek, but your graphics are damn good too! I can tell that you’re not a nerd since both of your thermometers are missing any kind of metric numerical scale, but I guess nobody’s yet discovered the international unit of aggravation.

    NO MATTER, you’ve got the creative mind of someone half your age Mr. Mills!

    • 2:45 pm

      Thank you David,

      I considered a numerical scale but, as you suggest, the international unit of aggravation is still subject to scholarly debate. Plus, the font would have had to be so small I likely wouldn’t have been able to see it.

      All the best and many thanks for visiting.

      Don

  25. 1:37 am

    Always love your charts Mr. Mills🙂

  26. Susi Spice permalink
    1:47 am

    theres nothing i can really ad granddad… u pretty much covered it all… also for young people… wat really pisses us off is when “old people” complain about us… *rolls eyes* wateva….

    lol

    • 2:45 pm

      Many thanks Susi Spice,

      Glad to hear you think I have the bases well covered, lass. And I might add that the damned young people eye rolling ticks us off to no end.

      Thanks for visiting. It’s always nice to hear from you.

      Best,

      Don

  27. 1:54 am

    Unbelievable, Don. Your wit is always amazing, and I really have nothing to add except that at the age of fifty-two, I’m finally spotting grey creeping up my short sideburns. Thanks to you it’s a great source of pride. It’s a little bit of wisdom claiming territory on my crazy, burned-out scalp. The Chippewa would have called it “Windigo” after cutting it free, worshiping it like that woodland spirit haunting the north country. Sorry . . . Great post, my friend!

    • 4:42 pm

      Many thanks Dan,

      Glad to hear that there’s a little grey creeping up the sideburns – I think it gives a man substance and an air of authority. (Just be sure to keep them trimmed to a reasonable length, Dan. Remember, no one trusts a man with flashy sideburns).

      All the best and thanks for stopping in. Always great to hear from you, Dan.

      Don

  28. 2:57 am

    Don,

    I have to say that this is truly one of your best charts ever. You totally pwned it this time!

    Unfortunately, although I had a thought-provoking (not to mention extremely agreeable) comment all ready to go, after seeing” bum fluff goatees”, “egg salad” and all three of the dreaded “ne” words, I started feeling little nauseous and completely forgot what I was going to write. (Turns out I’m deathly allergic to really gross things.)

    But don’t worry about me, Don. I’ll be fine. Right now you just need to focus what little energy you have left on these ignorant kids, and use these tremendous 5k1llz to teach those lam3 n00bs wh0z b055. I think it goes without saying that j00Z r 7|-|3 0|\|L’/ 0|\|3 \/\/|-|0 (4|\| d0 17.

    (For real.)

    j00r PhR13|\|D,

    Bschooled

    • 4:49 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled,

      Always a treat to hear from you. My apologies if my references made you feel unwell. Sadly, it’s one of the dangers you encounter when you are fiercely committed to articulating the problems with damned young people.

      I’m still working my way though that last sentence and can’t quite decide whether it’s a hilarious knock-knock joke or the chemical formula for Lanacane. Any help you could provide would be appreciated. It’s the |\|L’/ 0|\|3 section that has me stumped.

      j00r PhR13|\|D as well,

      Don

  29. 11:47 am

    getting their toothbrush stuck in their nose ring?? hahahahahaha that hilarious! although i cant relate to that one i can relate to losing my cool when i lose my internet connection….Doh! i heart u don. (smile)

    • 4:53 pm

      Thank you kindly Lynn,

      Always nice to have you stop by and visit. I trust you’re keeping well. I would imagine that the toothbrush in the nose ring is quite painful (especially if you are a vigorous brusher) but it would be rather amusing to observe.

      Seems like a lot of folks (young and old) are of the same opinion about the internet. I suppose I can relate. I used to get quite agitated if the old Magnavox blew a tube – especially if there was a ball game on.

      All the best, Lynn.

      Don

      • Lynn permalink
        8:48 pm

        magnovox, now there’s a term i hadnt heard in a long time. we had a zenith growing up.

  30. hisqueen1 permalink
    4:52 pm

    Dear Don,
    I have been lurking for a while without posting. Nothing I had seemed witty enough to bother typing except for now.

    What exactly is wrong with the Doctors under the age of 40? Besides them all being arrogant, driving flashy cars they really can’t afford and thinking the world revolves around them. They also tend to walk in the room and see you sitting in the chair alive and think you’re fine. I actually knew one who refused to touch the patient unless he had to…in and out of the room in under 5 minutes and still billed the pt for the highest level visit….But, alas, I must protest because not all of them are like that. I happen to be married to one who is under 40, at least for a few more years, but most people think he is much older because of his mature, caring attitude. He struggles to see his patients in under 20 minutes because he wants to know how they are doing, really doing… not just give them a pill for their cough and send them on their way. To say the least, we don’t drive flashy cars and I certainly have never owned a diamond ring over 1/2 carat and we live in a house built in 1908. But I digress….or over inform… which ever you choose.
    My children fit into the young un’s category to a “T”. I can’t tell you how many back of the head slaps and refusals of the newest fad I have given them.
    I also feel that you should have included losing internet service in both categories. I, for one, being in the older category, get very upset when I have no internet service. It means I won’t be able to review your blog and all the exceptional comments that are posted. How can I get through my day without a daily “Don” fix. It’s better than any drug out there.
    Sincerely,
    Still “hisqueen” (despite my daily attitude problem)

    • 10:24 pm

      Thank you hisqueen,

      Very nice to hear from you again. I trust you and your family are keeping well and thank you sincerely for the very kind words. I do appreciate it.

      Your description of the under forty is damned accurate as far as I can. I recently had the grave misfortune of having to find a new family physician, and while Dr. Charles “Skippy” Shand seems competent enough, he’s damned brusque, quite dismissive and seems entirely disinterested.

      My former Doctor wasn’t always as up-to-date as perhaps he could have been but he had common sense, a sense of humor and genuinely cared for his patients. Your husband should be commended for his empathy.

      All the best and thanks for the comment, hisqueen. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

  31. 11:56 pm

    Man, do I love a good infographic and these are two of the best I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure how accurate the “info” is but the graphics “pop.” Takes me back to the heyday of USA Today, back in the ’80s and ’90s when everyone still bought newspapers and you could only get updates on current events twice a night, which usually just meant flipping around the channels until the news was over. Or switching to Fox.

    (Note to those too young to remember 4-5 channels of programming: you can still avoid the news by switching to Fox. Their FOX news channel has yet to actually report anything, and if they have inadvertently, it was drowned out by all the shouting.)

    I guess I haven’t officially hit “old” yet as snowmen with genitals still makes me giggle inappropriately. If I come across one in someone’s yard, I usually try to sneak it over to one of the neighbors’ houses and plant it outside the bathroom window. I then rearrange the hands a bit to make it look less “passive.”

    Thanks for the post, Don. You’re making pure magic out of facts, lines and colors. It makes learning less of a chore and easy to summarize when “rehosting” your content under my name.

    • 10:34 pm

      Many thanks CLT,

      At least I know who to blame for the oddly postured and somewhat ashamed snowman I found outside my bedroom window in February. I don’t mind telling you it scared the Hell out of me.

      (Especially what you did with the scarf. That’s just damned perverse and, I’m told, can be fatal.)

      Thank God Spring’s arrived, that’s all I can say.

      Best regards,

      Don

  32. 2:18 am

    Young men get boners in church?

    1) I didn’t know they made it to church since it starts before noon.

    2) How do you know?

    • 9:33 pm

      “1) I didn’t know they made it to church since it starts before noon.”
      Must be the evening service;-)

      2) How do you know?
      Must be from personal experience;-)

      • 11:57 pm

        2) The post IS titled “Getting a rise out of an old man”…

    • 10:50 pm

      Thank you Tracy (and HNIC)

      I really enjoy comments that employ numbered questions and/or written in point form. Primarily because:

      A) They are blunt and get to the damned point.

      To answer your questions:

      1) Some do. However, the few that attend are dragged there under protest and generally sleep through the entire proceedings anyway.

      2) I make it my business to know things; no matter how unseemly they may be.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  33. 3:27 am

    I think beat poets need to be higher on both lists!

    • 11:16 pm

      Many thanks Mrs. King,

      A very good suggestion. No one care for scruffy-looking, finger-snapping, poem-writing beatniks. They’ve caused this country no end of grief.

      All the best,

      Don

  34. 5:51 am

    Don, these charts were extremely helpful. Thanks!

    Although I am a mere forty-something, I must confess to you that I get great joy these days using your phrase “young people” to refer to anyone in their mid-twenties or younger. I feel like one of your disciples. Because you, Don Mills, inspire me. Thanks for being such a shining example of old personhood. I no longer fear growing old because you make it seem such fun!

    • 12:45 am

      Many thanks Fantastic Forrest,

      That’s awfuly kind of you to say. Enjoy your forties but remember that the best is yet to come.

      Best regards and thanks very much for visiting.

      Don

  35. 12:42 pm

    I think that’s an accurate description of what ticks us off🙂

    • 12:48 am

      Many thanks Danica,

      Glad to hear that I was reasonably accurate. I suspected as much but it’s always nice to have a young person provide confirmation.

      Nice to hear from you.

      All the best,

      Don

  36. 1:08 pm

    Twenty year old nurses that laugh at my sixty-plus year old Johnson.
    Teenage waitresses who point at me when I take my teeth out to get those damn overcooked bits of bacon out of them.
    “Modern” movies with absolutely no plot whatsoever.
    Hand-held cameras used in major motion pictures.

    • 12:55 am

      Thank you Jammer.

      Excellent additions. Especially that damned herky-jerky camera action. What the Hell is that? I suppose if you have no plot, actors with no talent, no script and no god damned sense, the best you can do is punt the camera around like a damned football while you shoot.

      Ludicrous.

      Many thanks Jammer. Always a pleasure.

      Don

  37. Aurelius permalink
    3:43 pm

    Thank you Don,

    I googled “people and their problems” and there you were! Your graphs are on target and hilarious as well. Looking forward to being fitted with a cardigan and having my turn signal welded to a right hand turn. On the lookout for your next posting.

    Kind regards,
    Aurelius

    • 12:32 pm

      Many thanks Aurelius and welcome,

      No need to wait for a cardigan fitting – it’s a stylish look at any age. You will need to wait a bit on the turn signals, however. That kind of safe driving technique is really the sole purview of us seniors.

      All the best. I hope to hear from you again.

      Don

  38. 7:21 pm

    I would like to propose a list for women aged 30-50:

    Ready to Kill
    – Being asked if it is “that time of the month”
    – Noticing that the trash hasn’t been taken out for the third day
    – Being asked “when are you due” when not pregnant
    – Men who publicly belittle their wives
    – Any teenager, anywhere, any time

    Purse-lipped
    – Kids in cars blaring music
    – Young women who behave like slags
    – Other people’s children
    – People with human children thinking they are more important than my furkids
    – Drivers who don’t signal (we’re not psychic)
    – The Old Boys Club at work, in politics, on the golf course

    Resigned sigh:
    – Women who dont vote
    – Noisy neighbors
    – People who can’t park their car properly
    – Neighbors who live across the street but park their car in front of MY house

    • marymcmary permalink
      11:40 pm

      HA! I relate to that list way too much for my own comfort. At 26, I still like to think of myself as hardly more than a college kid, but it seems I’m creeping into the world of womanhood, one pet peeve at a time!

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      12:16 am

      What about older women who behave like slags? Plenty of them too and don’t you just love the parents who do exactly as their kids tell them to.
      I did love the furkids part lol.

    • 12:32 pm

      Thank you very much Ittybittycrazy,

      Furkid? That’s a new one to me. I’ll have to look that up. It sounds feral and dangerous but I’ll reserve judgment until I know more.

      A wonderful list and I appreciate your sharing it with me, ittybittycrazy. Despite the fact that I’m not now (nor have I ever been) a 30-50 year old woman, I share a number of your gripes. I find myself getting especially perturbed when my neighbors decide to park their damned car in front of my house and, of course, damned kids blasting their music while they drive.

      Thank you again. I enjoy that a great deal.

      All the best,

      Don

  39. 9:28 pm

    What really peeves me about today’s youth, particularly in my own extended family, is the amount of ignorance about the REAL world around them!

    They have been inculcated with Kumbya political correctness in school, brain washed by MTV and the Commode Channel, taught a socialist polemicist version of history in school, and to top it all off, made to believe that world OWES them a living!

    Many is the time I have had to verbally bitch slap one of my nieces or nephews for spouting liberal lamebrain trash that they picked from the MGMSM or some other equally left wing biased source.

    As said before, the youth of America are the direct results of their parents!!

    So much for HOPE and CHANGE, eh!

    • 6:13 pm

      Many thanks HNIC,

      (Sorry for the delay in responding. I fell asleep while swearing at that damned Regis fellow.)

      There’s a commode channel? Holy Hannah! Thank God I have limited cable service. I didn’t think things could get worse than the Disney channel and MTV.

      I tend to get plenty irked about the whole notion that the world owes young people a living as well. The world doesn’t owe you, me or anyone else anything. We owe it to ourselves to get up off the damned sofa, got out and make something of ourselves.

      All the best HNIC and thanks for visiting.

      Regards,

      Don

      • 6:43 pm

        I have renamed the “Comedy Channel” the “Commode Channel”, because they are NOT funny when they bring on garbage like the Colbert Report and that idiot lamebrain Jon Stewart who wouldn’t know a legitimate news story if it bit on the behind!

  40. Amit permalink
    11:43 am

    Nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say

    that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.Any way Ill

    be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon
    mba

    • 6:16 pm

      Thank you kindly Amit and welcome.

      I appreciate your stopping in and leaving a comment. That’s damned nice of you. Hope to hear from you again.

      All the best.

      Don

  41. Kate permalink
    11:15 pm

    What has happened to Lily Fossil? She seems to be MIA, and I miss her comments.

    • 12:24 am

      I was wondering the same thing myself Kate. I miss her presence as well. It doesn’t seem quite complete without a comment from the venerable Lily Fossil.

      I’ll have to see if I can reach her.

      All the best, Kate.

      Don

  42. 3:22 am

    WOWSERS!

    Everyone is so mad! We should all love and respect each other no matter what. And stay off Mr Mills’ lawn, for sure!

    I prefer to keep a level head than go into white-hot rages like in the past. It doesnt help!

    No matter what though, You’re a wise and generous man Mr Mills. I know you do the right thing ALWAYS!

    HOORAY!

    Bob

    • 12:40 am

      Many thanks Bob,

      All love one another? That sounds a bit like damned communism, lad, but I’ll give you benefit of doubt due to your condition and assume you meant it in a proper Christian way.

      I think you’re wise to keep a level head, Bob. A white hot rage is only going to get you killed, jailed or fined for public indecency. Best to stay calm and somewhat inert. I wish more young people were as sensible as you.

      All the best, Bob.

      Don

      • 3:42 am

        HELLO MR MILLS!

        LOSTL! Not communism. Mum says that the reds will be back in power one day with osama bin laden as their commie leader. She frequently tells me that the way to a womans heart is with capitalist interests in far east asia. I dont understand it all, but she sure is wise like you!

        Calm and Inert is my middle name! LOSTL! Not really, but sometimes i wished it was as i understand that the lovely ladies like smart men! With a smart and savvy middle name, i could be more successful!

        I sure hope your weekend is treating you well! Im still recovering from date night!

        Bob

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      4:22 am

      You’re one smart man Bob Trusty. Lol I’d love to know where mum gets her information though as I just don’t think that will happen quite like at least we hope not. Still it’s good to know she has a calm and inert son like you.
      Here was me thinking all red heads are fiery.

      • 4:25 am

        My Mum is really smart and she knows lots and likes to impart her knowledge to me at every given opportunity. Im more than willing to receive it too! i just love taking things in and letting them settle inside my mind!

        Thank you so much Miss Queen! I hope im proving a great exception to all red heads everywhere! LOSTL!

        Bob

        • The Celtic Queen permalink
          5:07 am

          You most certainly are Bob Trusty and keep listening to your mum. She sounds like an extremely knowledgeable woman.

  43. YellowRoses610 permalink
    3:54 am

    but…I like Satire and movies wiuth Plots. And even beat poets.

  44. YellowRoses610 permalink
    4:19 am

    -____- I am a poet. Try that and I’ll pull out my Taser.

  45. 2:36 pm

    Cracne killed me.

    • 12:42 am

      Many thanks Jessica O.

      I’ve heard it can have that affect. Best to steer clear if you can.

      Good to hear from you again. I hope you’re keeping well.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  46. Shafali permalink
    3:25 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    Ms. Cleopatra’s two avatars have been updated. Thought I should let you know:)

    Warm Regards,
    Shafali

    • 12:43 am

      Many thanks Shafali,

      I’ll be over shortly to take a peek. Thanks for letting me know.

      All the best,

      Don

  47. healingmagichands permalink
    4:19 pm

    Still laughing in Costa Rica where I am enjoying a very different culture. I actually saw teenagers standing back to allow an old lady and a mother with child get on the bus before they did. . .

    According to your graph and my reactions, I am officially an old person.

    • 12:48 am

      Many thanks healingmagichands,

      Costa Rica? How nice. I do hope you are enjoying your trip. And congratulations on officially joining the ranks. We’re a stronger group for it and are happy to welcome you aboard (just watch your hip when you jump on the bandwagon).

      As I mentioned earlier in the comments, I’ll be please to send you instructions on the secret handshake.

      Enjoy the balance of your trip and many thanks for stopping in. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

  48. chelsy pillsbury permalink
    8:24 pm

    Thank you for sharing! This was a great post to read following my own post about technology and students and whether or not everything today is EATING my generation. Sorry to admit that, I am indeed, a young folk. But I thoroughly enjoy your blog.
    http://apushoversevilconscience.wordpress.com/

    • 12:54 am

      Many thanks chelsy pillsbury,

      I appreciate your taking the time to leave me a comment. I’ll be sure to pop over and read that article of yours. Sounds damned interesting. And I suppose there’s no need to apologize for being a young person – I realize you can’t do much to correct it other than wait.

      All the best and thanks again.

      Don

      p.s. Now I have a terrible need to buy some damned crescent rolls.

      • chelsy pillsbury permalink
        1:04 am

        Ha! I get that a lot. I recommend Pillsbury Cinnamon Roles. The frosting is delightful; not too much but not too little.

        • 3:44 am

          Can someone explains to me what a pillsbury doughnut is please? Mum says i shouldnt have doughnuts because they make me a little too hyperactive, but my american friends keep telling me all about them!

          anyway. Hooray for Mr Mills!

          Bob

  49. 8:31 pm

    Mr. Mills, this is again frighteningly accurate. I wonder if you would consider doing one for middle-aged people so I can see where I fall.

    • 12:57 am

      Many thanks Pamela,

      I’d be happy to consider but it may be a challenge. I’ll try to cast my mind back a few years and see what I can come up with.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in to visit.

      Don

  50. 8:54 pm

    Don, you’re such a ray of freaking sunshine that I gave you an award. It’s on my blog. And no, you cynical ass, it is not a weak attempt at viral marketing. It’s a STRONG one.

    • 1:11 am

      Many thanks Jessica.

      Ray of sunshine? I have a damned bad feeling about this. Not to mention the fact the old people generally don’t get too damned excited about the promise of anything viral.

      I’ll pop over shortly and have a look but if I get the damned piggy flue woe betide to you.

      All the best,

      Don

  51. Susi Spice permalink
    1:14 pm

    🙂 linked you to my blog roll.

    • 8:06 pm

      Thank you kindly, Susi, I appreciate that a great deal.

      All the best and thanks for thinking of me.

      Don

  52. 7:15 am

    great blog Don, particularly enjoyed this post. r.

    • 8:07 pm

      Thank you rahinaqh and welcome,

      I appreciate the kind words. Hope to hear from you again.

      Warm regards,

      Don

  53. paper doll permalink
    4:10 pm

    Don, I saw a TV show on “relaxed parenting” and I thought of you. Everything is up to the toddlers …hell on earth. Instead of being called” relaxed parenting” , it should be called” parental bailout: …let society toilet train train your kids ” Of course the big draw for the parents( for want of a better word) ,is to bail on parenting and yet get feel moral about it. They aren’t just lazy louts..oh no! They are taking a brave stand!! Any time you can present a cop out( now I’m aging myself) as courageously striding the moral high ground, you have a winning book tour ahead.

    keep speaking out!

    Your voice is needed more than ever as we slide into the ooze

    • 8:10 pm

      Many thanks paper doll.

      Relaxed parenting? That’s a damned good one. Just what this country needs – more excuses to do absolutely nothing and then blame others when things go to crap. It makes me livid.

      I’d say we’re already knee deep in ooze and sinking quickly.

      All the best,

      Don

      • paper doll permalink
        8:22 pm

        just knee deep Don? You must be feeling optimistic today! lol!

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      10:58 pm

      Good post, We have a four year old comes to visit who was never toilet trained properly. His parents are both in the medical field and it was always, ” Oh he’ll stop with the nappies when HE’s ready”. WHAT ??? now we have a child who was never made to sit on a potty or a toilet and absolutely hates going to the toilet until the very last minute, sometimes after holding it for days. We assume he physically doesn’t like the feeling of empyting his bowels. When he’s here we have to use a reward system to get him on the toilet or he could have an accident. This once again is bad parenting as both of my kids were toilet trained before 24 months. It’s ironic because his grandfather is
      a ‘ Bowel Surgeon’.

      • 9:00 pm

        Blimey, CQ!

        That one falls into the ‘too much information ‘category.

        Not going to the bog because he doesn’t want to? Hells teeth!

        The Nobbly school of sympathetic parenting would suggest a bike pump full of warm soapy water, an empty KFC family bucket (hold on, make that a full one…), and a rousing family chorus of “JUST DO IT!!!”.

        • The Celtic Queen permalink
          11:49 pm

          I know, I feel that it’s very odd behaviour. Most people would agree that they feel so much better after they empty their bowel lol. I know my lot do and often comment on EXACTLY how they feel.
          Apparently though it’s not uncommon. However, I’m glad that we never had the problem. When he’s here we find ourselves continually asking him if he needs to go to the bathroom, especially after a meal lol.

  54. Cecilia permalink
    11:15 pm

    Unnecessary merriment is really annoying. I feel really angry about it.

    Good points, indeed. Except for the part “Veganism, Vegetarianism and other cults.” I know there are many people trying to be something they don’t really understand just because it’s fashionable, but as that “Desiderata poem” says, “many strive for dreat ideals.” I’m a vegetarian because I really hate the taste of meat, it’s disgusting for me, and I believe we have no right of killing animals. That’s a valuable ethical cause. But seeing those teens who can’t tell attitude from status make me pissed off, too.🙂

    Grande abraço!
    (I let a link to your blog on mine: http://www.clubedosrabujas.blogspot.com/ – see “Outros Rabugentos”, which mean “Other People in Bad Mood”… my blog, in Portuguese, complains about everything, basically, that I think is worth complaining, from young people to stupidity of middle-class and man who cry out loud in soccer matches)

    • 11:54 pm

      Obrigado muito Cecilia,

      I’ve long been convinced that you have both ethics and ideals.

      Thank you for the link from your site. I only wish I could read Portuguese. I’m sure your’s is a very fine blog. If you ever put up a post in English, please do let me know.

      Be cheerful and strive to be happy.

      All the best,

      Don

      p.s. If you ever hear from that rascal Ivan, tell him I say “Você arrebenta a boca do balão!” I’m still not sure what it means, exactly, but I trust it is complimentary.

      • Cecilia permalink
        12:19 am

        Hi Don,
        you bet I will tell Ivan about what you said, it is a very good compliment indeed!
        And if I ever post anything in English, you’ll be the first to know!

        Thank you for the Desiderata wishful thinking. One to you, too. Any of those.
        🙂

  55. Margie Sweeney permalink
    3:26 am

    Forget about the “no problem” thing from the clerk, because that means you are thanking them for allowing you to spend money in the store which really irks me! I would love to hear someone thank me for patronizing their store. A lost “art”!

    • 3:00 pm

      Thank you Margie,

      I’d be delighted to hear that as well. A nice “thank you, sir” would be a refreshing change from a gum snap, eye roll and hearty “no problem.” It was at the bottom on my list but it is a real pet peeve of mine.

      All the best,

      Don

  56. Iejir2127 permalink
    6:38 am

    I absolutely loved the “Pwned by Noobs” thing. That is so true. One of the reason’s that I’m not out wearing hoochie mama clothes, getting piercings, tattoos, drugs, alcohol, having sex, and all the other things you rant about (and I mean that in the kindest way possible) is probably because when I’m not playing soccer, I’m being a computer geek. Essentially, Pwning said Noobs. But I’d rather be with the geeks who get together and have geekends (a weekend full of marathons like Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Star Trek followed by video game competitions) then be the one’s getting drunk and stupid at parties.

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