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An Old Man’s Attempt to Close the Generation Gap

Almost one year after the initial posting, I continue to receive irate comments from young people regarding my stand on tattoos.

In an effort to show that I’m the bigger man and to put an end to the battle of insults once and for all, I’ve decided to extend an olive branch to the young and get myself “inked.” In exchange, all I ask is that young people get themselves a pair of decent slacks, a nice cardigan sweater and a god damned job.

If that isn’t meeting them halfway, I don’t know what is.

At present, I am considering the following potential tattoos:


A Medic Alert Bracelet
(Placement; left wrist)

Preferable, I believe, to barbed wire, the medic alert bracelet tattoo would be both stylish and functional, capturing all of my relevant medical history including my allergies to penicillin, bee stings and indelible ink.


The Charlie Chaplin Commemorative Postage Stamp
(Placement; lower back)

Only because I understand that a tramp stamp is a popular theme in modern-day tattoo culture and, if nothing else, I strive for relevance.


Some Arcane Mystical Symbol of No Personal Relevance
(Placement; left butt cheek)

Apparently nowadays spirituality isn’t expressed through beliefs or deeds – but by getting a Celtic cross, lotus flower or some other religious symbol tattooed on your ass. I was considering a Zoroastrian faravahar for my fanny but given my love of baked beans the Horn of Odin might be a more appropriate choice.

Alternatively, I may opt for a tribal tattoo from some aboriginal or indigenous culture I have no working knowledge of. I’m sure they’ll sleep better at night knowing they have my support.


(cut along dotted line) – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
(Placement; Directly over heart)

I don’t trust these inexperienced young doctors and if I ever find myself in need of emergency heart surgery would like to take the guess work out of where to open me up.


A Tear Drop
(Placement; beneath right eye)

The advantage is that it may garner me some respect among the hooligans that hang out in front of the Piggly Wiggly. The downside is that it may end up just getting lost in my age spots or being mistaken for an asymmetrical facial mole.


An Angela Landsbury Pin-up Tattoo
(Placement; left bicep)

Provided it can be done tastefully of course.


“Shop at Big Lots!”(Placement; forehead)

Advertise! If I’m going to spend $250 marring my flesh there better be some return on the investment. Seniors more than anyone can use a little extra pin money. And if Big Lots isn’t interested, there’s always Walgreens, Perkins or the J.C. Penney.


(Placement; knuckles)

It’s aggressive and in your damned face.


“Aggie 4ever”
(Placement; across back)

What better may to memorialize a loved one? I’m sure nothing would make my dead wife happier than knowing I spent 8 hours disfiguring myself in order to ensure that I wouldn’t forget her or our 40 years of marriage.


“Get Off of My Lawn”(Placement; Chest)

This is the one I’m leaning toward at the moment.

I picture it done in gothic lettering with flames shooting out from both sides. Perhaps the damned young people will be more inclined to get off my grass if they see a shirtless old man jumping off his front porch with a cane in his hand, a crazy look in his eye and a giant flaming tattoo emblazoned across his chest.


So there you have it. A lot to choose from. It will be a difficult sacrifice on my part but one I’m willing to make – just as soon as I see some evidence that the damned young people are living up to their end of the bargain.


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131 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:09 am

    I am sold. Where do I find one of those cardigan sweaters? Goodwill? The Salvation Army? I think that I have to wait for someone to die to have one free up for me? I’ll hunt the paper for an estate sale.

    • 12:20 am

      Thank you morethananelectrician,

      I assumed that cardigan sweaters were still available at all of the finer retail establishments but truth be told the youngest in my collection would already likely be over 30 years old and I haven’t been in the market for a new one in a long time.

      If you don’t have a J.C. Penney nearby I would encourage you to go to Urban Outfitters or Abercrombie and Finch or whatever the Hell moronic store you young people shop at and demand that they start carrying them. It’s a timeless style.

      If you have no luck, let me know. I’d be happy to send you one of my old ones. No need to wait for someone to die when I have a couple of burnt sierra cardies hanging in the closest with no one to wear them.

      All the best,


  2. 12:09 am

    I vote for “Get Off My Lawn.” You can flag in your support for an unfamiliar religion or Angela Lansbury, your Medic Alert data may change, but irritated defense of personal space is a biological constant.

    • 12:23 am

      A good point Sledpress.

      The changing medical data is a concern. The other option along those lines that I was considering was to get a tattoo of a blank prescription pad across my stomach. I could just lift up my shirt and have Dr. Shand jot the details out across my belly in black marker.

      And as a bonus if I make it big enough the pharmacist should be able to actually read the prescription. With any luck, I’ll finally start receiving my Celebrex instead of taking home vial after vial of damned estrogen. (I haven’t needed to shave in 3 months and am starting to notice a marked increase in nipple sensitivity.)

      The get off my lawn does feel right though. As you point out, it’s certainly not a message I’m ever going to regret and which is likely to change in any way.

      All the best,


      • 7:21 am

        are you sure that increase in nipple sensitivity isn’t caused by a scratchy undershirt?

        • 2:14 pm

          Thank you Nursemyra,

          A good point. My undershirts are a little on the scratchy side and I recently changed laundry soap.

          All the best,


  3. Friar permalink
    12:12 am

    Oh, get the A-S-S-C-L-O-W-N one!

    I’d actually help pay for it!

    • 12:27 am

      That’s a kind offer, Friar.

      I liked that knuckle tattoo just because I felt it (like the tear drop) might help me get some respect from the damned thugs in my neighborhood. Don’t mess with stone cold Don Mills, O.G. (original grandpa).

      Plus…well you know how I feel about the word assclown.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.


  4. 12:14 am

    Mr. Mills, the idea of you dropping trou for a tatoo is one I prefer not to dwell upon. However, if you intend to go through with it, I suggest something functional and useful. Perhaps a reminder to the undertaker to check your pulse on your wrist, or a last appeal on your chest to put a mirror to your mouth to check your breath. If your relatives are like mine, I’m sure they’d be thinking more of their inheritence than of your survival.

    • 12:35 am

      Many thanks bmj2k,

      An excellent suggestion. Perhaps something like “Give me a shake, I’m a heavy sleeper damn it.”

      And I a can guarantee you that my relatives won’t be rushing in to make sure that I’m actually dead. They’ll be stoking the fire at the crematorium and calling their travel agents to see what kind of deals they can get on a 2-week all inclusive in Punta Cana.

      All the best,


  5. 12:19 am

    I’m leaning towards “Assclown” and “Get Off My Lawn.”

    All the best Mr. Mills! 🙂

    • 12:36 am

      Many thanks Sherri,

      I think “Get off my lawn” is likely the best choice.

      A dinosaur might be a good choice too. It seems entirely apt.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in. Always good to hear from you.


  6. YellowRoses610 permalink
    12:20 am

    That was beautiful. I have recently bought a few decent pair of slacks, and I am working on the Cardigan and a job. Or at least writing a play.

    Contributing to theater is close enough to a job, isn’t it? It has to do with the evil’s of communism and misogyny. It also had hard working reasonable young woman who loves her family.

    But then again it also has super power’s which are symbolic. Probably lost you there.

    Any way, I would go for the arcane symbol my self. But I’d do it for my own amusement.

    I have no tattoos but the woman at the natural food store tells me it hurts the least over a layer of fat.. Good luck.

    For ever yours, and stuck in the bog of college life surronded by uneducated idiots.

    • 12:44 am

      Many thanks Rose,

      The theatre? Goodness. I’m generally suspicious of actors, stage managers and ushers but it sounds like a good script. Communism and misogyny are two of my pet peeves. And I don’t object to superpowers as long as they are used entirely for entertainment purposes so no problem there. All in all, it sounds like a decent endeavour.

      I’ll keep your tip about the fat in mind. I’m pretty damned boney at this point in my life so finding a suitably padded place may prove a little challenging. Aggie always said I have a fat head, however, so maybe the tear drop is the way to go.

      Keep studying!

      All the best,


  7. 12:21 am

    Of course, one must also get a tattoo in some long forgotten language because, well, it’s supposed to look cool. Personally, I like Latin. Something to the tune of,Venit , Vidi , I kicked vestri punk ass.

    • 12:49 am

      I like that one Jammer. Sophisticated yet angry. Nicely done.

      I was tempted to get a Chinese lettering tattoo but I wasn’t sure what to write. I was thinking of getting either “Go Rangers” or “I’ll have the number 8, hold the MSG” but couldn’t decide so decided to scrap it. (Not that it really matters – most of the pasty white kids that sport the damned stuff can barely read English, let alone Chinese.)

      Now, would that be a neck tattoo you’re considering, Jammer? Or would you be looking for something more subtle.

      All the best,


      • 4:32 pm

        Back of the neck, so they can read it going away, which is where I like them going.

  8. 12:39 am

    Your dotted line over the heart reminded me of a very interesting story. My brother-in-law Tom was in a horrific car acciddent when a drunk crossed the line one night and cut his car in half. They had to air lift Tom out by helicopter to Mass General, and operate on and off for days. He had so many broken bones it was insane, and hundreds of stitches. He’s a talented tattoo artist, and his upper body is mostly dragon fantasy stuff. The surgeon said that all of the elaborate ink was extremely helpful when stitching Tom back together. He’s had an amazing recovery since then, and gets around fine, but has yet to convince me into getting inked. My Irish moles form interesting astronomy patterns. Great post as always, Don. You are the master!

    • 12:56 am

      My God, Dan, that’s quite a story. I’m glad to hear your brother-in-law has recovered well. It sounds like a horrific accident.

      I have the same mole issues (I have a passable relief map of Peru on my back) but that hasn’t been what’s stopped me. I just don’t like them. Hold off Dan. It won’t be long before a person sans tattoos is considered to be an exotic (and rare) wonder!

      All the best,


  9. 12:41 am

    I vote for Get Off My Lawn with flames and it would probably be even better if it had some of those Harley Davidson style wings in the background. Those slacks those kids are getting according to your deal will have to have belts. I am sick of seeing people’s cracks and/or boxer’s hanging out. Besides, I can’t help but ponder how in the world they keep those pants that are worn so low up at all, I hate having my attention distracted that way, I have a hard enough time remembering where I was going and what I was going to do when I got there.

    • 1:00 am

      Many thanks healingmagichands,

      I appreciate your vote but I’m holding off on consulting the seedy pages of my phone book in search of a defiler (by the way, do I look under ‘tattoo’ or ‘disfigurement’?) until I see some evidence that the young folks are living up to their end of the agreement.

      And you’re right; I’ll add a belt to the technical rider of our contract. The sight of all that bunched up underpant and moronic ass-crack is more than any old man should have to endure.

      All the best,


      • 8:06 pm

        Don, it is more than any living breathing thinking human being should have to endure. I believe you will find an appropriate artiste under “tattoo” rather than “disfigurement.”

        Be sure you check to make sure that your artiste is using an autoclave and fresh ink, otherwise you risk Hepatitis C infection.

  10. 12:49 am

    I”m curious. Do you only have 8 fingers? If not, and you get the A-S-S-C-L-O-W-N one, what will you put on the other two fingers?

    • YellowRoses610 permalink
      1:06 am

      People rarely get thumb inkings.

      • 1:23 am

        OOOOOOOOOH! You’re right of course yellowroses. That never occurred to me.

        Clearly I don’t know my way around knuckle tatoos.

    • 1:08 am

      Many thanks Mrs. King,

      Sorry for the delay in responding but I thought it prudent to double check before responding and, yes, I currently have 10 fingers. It’s a 6/4 split between the left and right hand but I believe I have the correct amount.

      I believe the 8-letter knuckle tattoo is an industry standard. When the fists are closed the thumb is generally tucked under the palm so for optimum intimidation the lettering is only positioned on the knuckles of 4 fingers. Plus, it gives us classics like love/hate, riff/raff, thug/life and epic/fail.

      It’s a popular means of self-expression apparently.

      Thanks for asking, though. I appreciate your concern.


      p.s. My toes are a whole different matter. I’ll tell you the thresher story another time.

      • 1:29 am

        Mr. Mills:

        Many thanks to you and yellowroses for the clarification on tattoo industry standards. Never having gotten a tattoo I don’t know much about them. Although I’m still against ASSCLOWN since, as per your example, most knuckle tattoos seem to be 4 letter words which would break up assclown as ASSC LOWN. Which still wouldn’t work.

        My feeling is this: Forget the tattoos altogether. Those damn young people will never keep up their end of the bargain.

        I await (I think) the thresher story.

        Kind regards,

        Mrs. King

      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        11:29 pm

        Never tuck your thumb in your palm,that’s a good way to break it ina fight. Tuck it against the side of the middle knuckel; on the index finger.

        • 11:54 pm

          You’re a wealth of knowledge, young Rose!

          All the best,


          • YellowRoses610 permalink
            3:40 am

            I try. It;s one of the few usefull things my assclown brother taught me.

  11. 12:52 am

    Just a word of warning Mr Mills, if you decide on a Aborginal tatt be prepared for a media storm, those elders can be a tad sensitive about white men stealing their stuff. Hate to see a bone pointed at you!

    • 1:12 am

      Many thanks frigginloon,

      I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. I have enough trouble with all of the damned young people who are mad at me. I don’t need to be offending anyone else.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,


  12. The Celtic Queen permalink
    12:53 am

    Don, you are truly the master. When I first started to read I thought ‘Don’s caving’ but I should have known. I don’t think Aggie would be too impressed if you ‘inked’ yourself either. Especially if you choose ASSCLOWN. The Irish in her would be unleashed in an instance. You’re a brave man Don Mills.

    • 1:17 am

      Many thanks Celtic Queen,

      I don’t suspect that you’ll see a tattoo on me anytime soon. I just can’t see the young people coming across with their end of the deal. And if I did ever have to get one I’d probably go with something practical like my grocery list. I tend to get the same dozen items every week anyway and generally lose my list in the car or leave it pegged to the fridge at home.

      But I can guarantee you that if I had ever come with a tattoo my Aggie would have been only to happy to remove it…with a kitchen knife.

      All the best,


  13. YellowRoses610 permalink
    1:07 am

    Aya, there’s little worse in this world than the wrath of an Irish woman. Trust me on that one.

  14. 1:38 am

    Whatever you decide, just make sure it’s in a gravity-neutral zone. Nothing worse than watching Angela Landsbury become grotesquely misshapen when the ol’ biceps begin to droop. Top of the shoulder, just above the ankle, back of the neck (but there is danger of a hump forming there, ) you get the idea.

    • 2:09 am

      Many thanks for the sage advice Joan,

      I may not need to worry about that too much. Hopefully I’ve done most of my drooping, sagging and wrinkling by now. The challenge may be more for the person doing the tattoo. He/She may need to run a light iron over me before they’re able to actually get to work.

      All the best,


  15. 2:19 am

    Mr. Mills, I’m a bit surprised you’re not considered a standard among folks of a certain age. DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), placed across the chest, can come in very handle when facing an irreversible illness.

    • 2:16 pm

      Thank you Pamela,

      I don’t like to provide doctors or paramedics with an easy out. They can damned well spend 10 or 15 minutes of their precious time resuscitating me unless I tell them otherwise.

      Lovely to have you stop in. All the best,


      • 8:08 pm

        I actually gave a massage to a person who had DNR tattooed on his chest where the EMTs would see it if they were planning on using resuscitating equipment on him.

  16. 2:44 am

    Hi, Mr. Mills—Another possibility would be to have your Medicare, supplemental insurance and Social Security numbers tattooed on the palm of your hand for handy reference (similar to Sarah Palin’s crib notes). Hospital personnel and everyone and his Aunt Fanny are always asking for them anyway, so why not have them at the ready? It could be a real time-saver if you were ever discovered unconscious following an unfortunate fall at the Piggly Wiggly precipitated by a slip on a carelessly discarded Slurpee by those young hooligans you mentioned. And, as an added benefit, the palm is not particularly prone to wrinkling, so the tattoo wouldn’t become distorted like one of those fold-outs on the back of Mad Magazine. (It may wreak havoc with your Lifeline though—the one on your palm, not the one hawked by ex-Surgeon General C. Everett Koop on television.)

    • 2:22 pm

      Many thanks texastrailerparktrash,

      An excellent idea. Those damned slurpee containers are everywhere – an old man takes his life in his hands every time he ventures out for a box of bran flakes.

      The only possible risk I see is that I’d be just as likely to have my “identity” stolen as I am to get any sort of medical assistance.

      Again, thanks for the suggestion. I appreciate your stopping in to visit.

      Best regards,


  17. momromp permalink
    3:31 am

    All excellent ideas, sir. Should you get a tattoo, any one of those you listed will be lovely. However, have you considered tattooing your blog’s web site on a publicly visible body part? Anyone who isn’t reading this blog should be. Thanks for another fun read.

    • 2:27 pm

      Many thanks momromp,

      I’ll have to give that some thought. I’m all for free advertising. I just wish I had selected a shorter web address.

      All the best,


  18. ferxist permalink
    3:56 am

    Sir, personally, I say “Don’t.” Doing so just means giving in to this generation. It would be a pathetic display of fleeing the ground you’ve always walked.

    Plus, I think it would look horrible on you, sir. I do suggest getting a set of brass knuckles with ASSCLOWN on them, though.

    One more thing: if they can’t respect someone like you for who you are, they haven’t seen this blog. Thus, if you really insist on getting a tattoo, put your URL on it, sir.

    Jonathan Ferxist

    • 2:32 pm

      Many thanks Jonathan,

      I appreciate the comment and the support, lad. I don’t think we need to worry about me ever actually having to get a tattoo though. I doubt I’ll live to see any evidence that the young folks are honoring their end of the deal.

      A pair of knuckle dusters with ASSCLOWN on them would be lovely but I have no idea where you would find something like that and – quite frankly – am afraid to find out.

      Many thanks Jonathan. I trust you’re well and appreciate hearing from you. Good to know that there are still a few decent young folks out there.

      All the best


  19. 4:52 am


    In your original post , my favorite response was to a Mr. Brody Fisher

    first class and it still makes me smile !

    this one says it all……..




    ( placment : anywhere you want ) however a suggestive arrow pointing here and there , might cause the ladies to go into fainting fits !

    until next time………..~David

    • 2:33 pm

      Many thanks David,

      Yes, young Mr. Fischer is quite the ambassador of his generation.

      Thanks for the suggestion on the tattoo, David. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Best regards,


  20. Cass_m permalink
    5:13 am

    Mr. Mills, may I suggest you use Chinese lettering to say get off my lawn? Also for your consideration, if your hands are not together you will see either assc or lown. Not very coherent.

    • 2:36 pm

      Thank you kindly Cass_m,

      That is a very fine suggestion.


      I do like the look of it too. I will add it to the short list.

      And thanks too for the comment about the knuckle tattoo. You’re right of course. It was that reasoning the steered my away from D-O-N-M I-L-L-S as well. It makes it sounds like I’m unwell.

      Al the best,


  21. 7:11 am

    We hired two new young people at the restaurant this week. One didn’t bother to show up, the other one worked a day then called the next day and said she couldn’t make it. Given our 0 for 2 rating on hiring young people, I think you will stay tattoo free.


    • 2:42 pm

      Thanks for update yellowcat,

      That’s disgraceful, it really is. And I really can’t decide which is worse. Accepting employment and then not showing up or arriving once and then giving up on the job. It’s sad….just sad.

      Anyway, I appreciate the update. I can’t say I’m shocked but it is good to know that I’ll remain tattoo free at least in the short-term.

      Good luck filling the vacancies.

      All the best,


  22. 8:42 am

    Funny stuff Mr. Mills, I would personally go with both the Tear Drop and ASS CLOWN. It shows you mean business.

    • 2:45 pm

      Many thanks Mr. Jelly,

      I appreciate the input. Any tattoo I get will be serious business. There won’t be any disney characters of damned road runners on my butt.

      Best regards,


  23. 11:30 am


    Have I ever mentioned how much I love you? No? Well this is my official declaration.

    • 2:48 pm

      Many thanks Grumpy,

      I appreciate the kind words. And, on a side note, “Grumpy” may actually be a decent idea for a tattoo as well.

      Thanks for visiting with me. I do appreciate it very much.

      All the best,


  24. Kate permalink
    12:30 pm

    Slacks, cardigan, and job. A rather big ask, don’t you think? You’re quite safe for the moment from any tattoos.

    One thing about the knuckle job – usually that describes the wearer. So A-S-S-C L-O-W-N might cause the young to choke on their bong water. Though that might not be a bad thing.

    Also knuckle tattoos, and wrist ones, and finger and thumb ones, can show that you’ve been to prison and depending on the tatt, what for.

    So should the impossible happen, go for flaming dragons emblazoned down your arms rather than the chest area. Then when you roll up your sleeves, the lawn defacers will know you mean business.

    • 2:58 pm

      Many thanks Kate,

      I like to set the bar high. I figure that these damned young people can use a challenge – it will be good for them to strive for something more than indifference and sloth.

      Thanks for the information on the knuckle job. I confess to not knowing an awful lot about the ins and outs of tattoo culture other than what I see on that television program L.A. Ink. I can’t help but watch –it’s like a cross between Sesame Street and Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.

      Flaming dragons is an excellent idea. I’ll definitely keep that one in mind.

      All the best,


  25. 12:44 pm

    I admire your gesture of diplomacy Don, and I think it’s a fantastic idea. Those young punks will not only respect you, they’ll downright fear you. Just as God intended. I have a few ideas that I hope you’ll consider as well…

    Non-Ambulatory 4-Life –Stomach
    Image of an E-Z Chair and shotgun –Shoulder
    O G Gangsta –Chest
    Love Hate –Eyelids
    hoodRAT Killah –Arm
    Ezekiel 25:17 -Forehead
    Dangerous Donald –Forearms
    The Dean of Mean –Calf
    Shaved, Shit, and Showered…it’s been one helluva day –Back

    Just think about it?

    • 3:03 pm

      Many thanks Scott,

      I had a feeling that I could count on you for a few additional suggestions and am glad to see that you didn’t disappoint.

      They are all excellent suggestions but I think my favorites are the E-Z Chair with the shotgun and Ezekiel 25:17. Who knows, maybe I’ll break the bank and get them both.

      Thanks again Scott. It’s an important decision and I appreciate the extra suggestions.

      All the best,


  26. 1:09 pm

    OMG…the Tramp Stamp is HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!! Wasn’t Tramp also the dogs name in My three Sons?

    • 3:06 pm

      Many thanks Bearman,

      Just trying to stay current. It’s challenging but I feel it’s important. And, yes, I believe you are right. That shaggy old dog was named “Tramp.” I may actually decide to use him instead. I always liked that dog and it’s a little more subtle than the Chaplin tattoo.

  27. Shafali permalink
    2:18 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    This is a very thoughtful post indeed. I am completely sold on the idea of the medic alert bracelet and the cut-along-the-dotted-line tattoo. Both will solve a useful purpose while you extend the olive branch.

    All the best with the Tattoos. I guess there’s a lot of pain involved in the act of making your body a masterpiece – but what’s a little pain compared to the grand feeling of finally having made peace with the huge, ever-growing army of the pierced and the tattooed ones!

    When you’ve got your tattoo, do share your pictures (more specifically, the tattoo’s)

    Warm Regards and best of luck, once again.

    • 3:12 pm

      Many thanks Shafali,

      It hadn’t occurred to me before but perhaps I should consider getting your fine charicature of the pierced and tattooed one. If I’m going to disfigure myself I may as well be making some social commentary as well.

      The only problem would be trying to find someone with the skill to reproduce it.

      All the best, Shafali, and thanks for visiting.

      Warm regards,


      • 4:12 am

        Mr. Mills,

        Thanks for considering the caricature as a possible option. I don’t fancy a dermal inking career…but if at all I end up as a Tattoo artist, I promise to transpose it on your skin – without errors!


  28. 2:51 pm

    Some problems with getting tattoos with words is that you’re assuming that the young people can read and the tattoo artist can spell. You might end up with an “A-S-C-L-O-U-N” tattoo or a “GET OF MY LEAN!!” because the tattoo artist assumes that “Lean” rhymes with “Sean”. I would get a tattoo of a lawn with a foot hovering over it and a red circle with the diagonal slash.

  29. Mary permalink
    8:27 pm

    I am afraid that you are destined to remain ink-free, Mr. Don. But I’m sure that if you do end up having to get that tattoo, then it will be a day of celebration for seniors (and any other decent folks left) everywhere, just to see these young punks dressed decently and working.

    In the unlikely situation that you do go in for a tattoo, I am in favor of the “Get Off My Lawn,” complete with flames and other frightening images, or the Angela Landsbury pin-up. It makes me think of the wonderful old gentleman at my church who has a Betty Boop tattoo on his bicep from his sailor days.


    PS – You know, these young fellows might be a little more willing to buy a nice cardigan if they knew how attractive they are. My boyfriend looks damned good in one, and it has worked out very well for him.

    • 12:00 am

      Many thanks Mary,

      I agree about the cardigans (obviously). The young people are quick to sneer to but it is a handsome look for a man of any age. And very versatile as well.

      I do think that the “get off my lawn” would be the hands down winner but share your assessment that it will never come to pass. While I find the notion of the Angela Landsbury tattoo appealing, I don’t think my Aggie would have approved. (She wouldn’t have approved of any of them but I think the Angela Landsbury tattoo would have particularly rankled).

      All the best, Mary, and be sure to pass on my regards to your young gentleman friend.

      Best regards,


  30. Sedate Me permalink
    9:43 pm

    Mr Mills, sir.

    I implore you NOT to get a tattoo, even though I like some of your candidates. I suggest you get them made into designer T-shirts (or underwear, brass knuckles, elbow pads, etc.) That way, you don’t have to limit yourself to one message and you can wear the T-shirts under your (open) sweaters so they can be read while you stay warm.

    You also won’t have to be jabbed with even more needles than, I assume, you already are. As I understand it, as one gets older, tattoos and their removal get harder and hurt more. Not to be too indelicate, but one infection at your age can be all it takes to permanently rob us of your wisdom.

    While they’re popular with the young folks now, despite being a younger folk, I have always hated tattoos. I remember a time when only sailors, criminals and stupid, vile, deviants got tattoos. That day was today.

    Don’t scar yourself to please them! They are a bunch of ungrateful bastards who wouldn’t appreciate it anyway!

    • 12:06 am

      Many thanks Sedate me,

      “And that day was today.” I got quite the chuckle from that. Well said.

      I appreciate your concern, Sedate me, but I’m quite convinced that it will never come to pass. As you’ll have noted, I made my offer contingent on seeing some marked improvement in the behavior of the young. Based on the number of slack assed half-wits I encountered on my way to the post office this morning I suspect it would be unwise for me to hold my breath.

      Still, I do appreciate the additional cautions and concern. And you’re right, I do already get more than my share of damned needles.

      All the best, Sedate Me, and thanks again for the laugh. It came at a very opportune time.

      Best regards,


  31. 9:55 pm

    oh, don, i can’t stand the thought of you going through so much pain to get yourself inked, so i have the perfect solution. forget the tattoo, and get a tattoo shirt. the kids will probably be stoned and blurry-eyed, so they’ll never figure it out, even if they see you wearing the shirt one day and not the next. if you don’t feel like shelling out for a shirt, just buy yourself a pair of nice bermuda shorts. tell the kids that your varicose veins are really a map of south american rivers (that will go nicely with the map of peru on your back).

    • 9:57 pm

      dammit! 😡 the link to the tattoo shirt didn’t work. lemme try again. i think this one will look lovely on you (as well as keep you warm in cold weather).

    • 12:14 am


      I can always count on you for the creative alternative. You have a rare gift. And funny you should mention the varicose veins. I was actually thinking of getting myself a pair of socks tattooed on my feet, ankles and lower leg. Not only would it reduce the strain on my clothing budget (fixed income you know) but I was thinking that if I got them in a nice shade of sky blue they might actually cover up the varicose veins.

      I like your idea better, though. I could tell the damned young people to bend over and take a close look at the Amazon and then when they do….yell “Piranha” and whack’em with my cane.

      Always a pleasure to have you visit, Nonnie.

      Best regards,


  32. 10:59 pm

    If I were you, Don, I’d go for something like this.

    I have it on good authority from ‘honest’ Lee who runs our local Chinese takeaway that it is a good reproduction of an ancient Mandarin phrase that roughly translates as….

    “Eh! What was that, sonny? Speak up – I can’t hear you!”

    • 12:18 am

      Thanks Nobbly,

      You have to think that there is more than one tattoo artist out there having a private laugh with that Chinese lettering.

      忘卻 equals “oblivious” (at least according to babelfish)

      The temptation would be too great not to.

      All the best,


  33. 1:18 am

    My dear friend, Don
    You NEVER cease to amaze me with your unique ideas.
    How about in very tiny letters, tatoo…”If you’re close enough to read this, get off of my damn lawn!” or some other significant warning.

    Your faithful reader

    • 2:11 am

      Many thanks trailerparkbarbie,

      It’s very funny you should mention that because I was thinking of using a slight variation on my headstone. I wanted it to read (in very small letters) “if you are close enough to read this, then you are standing on my head.” My wife Aggie always maintained that her headstone would have an arrow pointing toward mine and simply read “I’m with Stupid.”

      Thank you for the excellent suggestion. Always a pleasure to hear from you tpb.

      Best regards,


  34. 1:28 am

    Mr Mills.

    Having read the other comments, I would go for the A-S-S-C L-O-W-N knuckle dusters. The design is not dependent on you having a perfect match of eight fingers, you will remain blemish-free and you can safely rescind if these damned young people don’t keep their part of the bargain.

    I’m sure there’s a bespoke knuckle duster shop where a lovely gold number could be created just for you. I would recommend a rough part of London to go to, but I’m afraid of doing a reconnaissance on your behalf.

    Failing that, the flaming arms tattoo as an extension of the ‘keep off the lawn’ flaming chest would be a more than adequate substitute.

    • 2:21 am

      My dear Pie,

      Very nice to hear from you. I was actually visiting your blog just earlier today and reading about your Angry London. It was extremely entertaining.

      I’ll have to see if any of those knuckle duster shops have an online store. I suspect that even if I were prepared to go out looking, all I would find in Pleasantville are all manner of firearms.

      Many thanks for visiting, Pie. Nice to hear from you and thanks for the suggestions.


  35. 2:17 am

    Don –

    Truly a hilarious post and filled with wonderful, indelibly-inked ideas.

    I think the main benefit of getting this done at your advanced age is a.) you don’t have a whole lot of life ahead of you to spend regretting the decision, and
    b.) your skin is all stretched out and whatnot so that it won’t deform on you and turn into something faded, hideous and potentially embarrassing.

    Just beware of the tattoo dens, which are filled with long-haired men, youngsters and abrasive noises that will often be referred to as music. You may also find some “tramps” in mid-stamping whose carelessly exposed skin may suddenly put the led back in your zeppelin, if you follow what I’m saying.

    Nothing says “screw you, world” like a bizarre tattoo and an inappropriate erection. Just ask Dave Navarro. Or York Mills.

    • 5:35 pm

      Many thanks CLT.

      Damned good points, each and every one. I’m sure you’ll agree that if more people waited until there eighties to make these kinds of damned foolish decisions the world would be a far better (and less unsightly) place.

      Perhaps in my monthly missive to the President I’ll suggest that in addition to increasing the drinking age to 45 and reinstating conscription we consider making tattoos illegal for anyone under 70.

      I don’t know this Dave Navaro fellow but thanks for the warning about the tattoo dens. I’m quite sure, however, that there is no need to worry about my reaction to any inked and exposed skin but I had been planning to bring York along for moral support. Based on your comments, that would appear to be unwise.

      All the best and thanks for visiting, CLT.

      Best regards,


  36. 3:01 am


    Oh Don, I have to say that all of these ideas are fantastic. Inspiring, even.

    But if I were you, I’d stay away from the tramp stamp (it tends to look distorted with all that extra skin back there), and the tear drop. The problem with the tear drop is that not everyone understands its significance, and I’m sure there are enough folks at your euchre club asking “What the hell is your problem?” as it is.

    Maybe you could go with the medic alert bracelet? That way if you decide to take it a step further, you could get a matching medic alert nipple ring. (Just make sure you’re pants aren’t too tight, you don’t want them to rub against your piercing thus causing infection.)

    Whatever you decide Don, I can’t wait to see the pics on Facebook. Today it’s tattoos, tomorrow it’s reppin!

    Your friend,


    • 5:38 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled,

      Sage advice as always. I hadn’t considered the possibility that people might mistake the tear for some sort of demonstration of actual emotion. I can tolerate many things but I won’t stand for that. I don’t need the old ladies at the seniors centre thinking I’ve gone soft on them.

      I’ll be sure to post photos if and when the job gets gone. Until then, I’ll just continue reppin Pleasantville and seniors rights everywhere.

      All the best,

      Your friend,


  37. 4:30 am

    The Angela Lansbury tattoo would be a little racy, Mr Mills. Im allowed to watch Murder, She Wrote with Mum because i get so scared whenever the killer makes his or her move!

    Shes so smart though. I would love to write crime stories like her, but im afraid im just not that creative.

    So you should really go for the Medical Bracelet tattoo because its functional as you said and you’re never going to forget to put it on when you go out for a night on the town in some fine suspenders!

    I hope you’re doing well, sir!


    • 5:43 pm

      Many thanks young Bob,

      I think you’d make a fine crime writer, Bob. Creativity is bunk. All a good mystery book needs is a questionable servant, a dashing hero and suspicious man with a moustache and foreign last name. Piece of damned cake.

      Writing is work like anything else. Roll up your sleeves pick an exotic location and let fly with the mayhem.

      Thanks for the advice, Bob. I’ll certainly take it under advisement. Pass on my best to your mum and try to stay out of trouble lad. I do worry about you.

      All the best,


      • 3:04 am

        Creativity is bunk? I make my bread and butter pretending im someone or something else! LOSTL!

        Im always weary of men with moustaches and foreign last names. Although, i once had a friend by the name of moustafa in primary school. He was so funny and he grew a moustache! but he was the nicest chap before he went back to Iran.

        How does your writing work, Sir? Are your exotic locations filled with teen hoodlums?

        I keep telling mum that all my internet-o-blob friends say hello, but she keeps saying that she doesnt like me talking about her on the interwebbing.

        So no need to worry! Mum is on the case!


  38. 11:10 am

    Don’t do it! Even though you have some great ideas. Those young people are never going to dress the way you do no matter now many tattoos you have.

    • 5:45 pm

      Many thanks ann,

      I do appreciate your concern. To date, I remain tattoo free and unless I see some action on the part of the young people, I fully intend to stay that way.

      Best regards and thanks for the comment.


  39. Clifton L. Tanager permalink
    1:02 pm

    Don –

    I can’t tell you how much this post hits the nail right on the scruffy and overpierced head. (I really can’t. Until the pending litigation with the estates of Mirriam and Webster goes through, I’m down to about 40% of my vocabulary until origins of certain words are properly attributed.)

    Tattoos were never just body flair back in my heyday. We earned each and every tattoo the hard way: by braving black market profiteers, wallet-lifting thugs and “ladies of the evening” and occasionally, a case of hepatitis to get “inked.”

    My first came shortly after arriving in the Korean theater. It was the logo of my battalion, which was supposed to be a tiger carrying a M-14 carbine rifle. Due to some translation issues and a high level of drunkeness, I ended up permanently scarred with something that resembles Tony the Tiger carrying a blunderbuss. As if that wasn’t humiliating enough, my initials were mistranslated into a jumble of Hebrew and Sumerian symbols.

    Thanks to the mixup (and near-Runic symbology), anytime I approach the pool in my neighborhood, I am either mistaken for a founding member of the Crips or a Satanist. Neither goes over well and I often find myself in long conversations with the caretakers and various well-meaning but highly annoying door-to-door religion salesmen.

    Thanks for the trip back to my past, full of infectious diseases and embarrassment, both of which seem to last a lifetime.

    C.L. Tanager

    • 3:03 pm

      Many thanks Clifton,

      Yet another excellent cautionary tale.

      I suspect that if anyone can get away with sporting a tattoo of Tony the Tiger carrying a blunderbuss it would be you. And it could have been worse. Toucan Sam toting a flint lock pistol, for instance, would have been entirely unfortunate.

      Good luck with your litigation but be prepared for quite a fight. I understand that the Estate of Mirriam and Webster can be quite ragmatical and that its lawyers are sanguivorous machairodonts.

      All the best,


  40. Friar permalink
    7:27 pm


    Which version of Angela Lansbury would you want to get?

    Angela circa 1960? Or Angela as she was in Murder-She-Wrote?

    • 3:06 pm

      Many thanks Friar.

      While I would prefer the 1960’s version, I suspect my canvas is better suited to the later Angela. The wrinkles are built in.

      Best regards,


  41. 8:57 pm

    Mr Mills

    Wait holdup..after all the ranting and swearing and god damns you could muster you mean to tell me you ARE GETTING A TATTOO…it was not too long ago that you used the words god damn feckless good for nothing porn watching bastards in conjunction with someone who had a tattoo…i know what it is THEY have broken you…you were the last bastion of sanity now you are going to break down and get BOOTYLICIOUS tattooed on your ASS…k….i am dismayed disppelled disenchanted and dewildered over this whole mater….zman sends in a dizzy spell

    • 3:18 pm

      Many thanks Zman,

      Sorry if I’ve got you in a tizzy there lad but you need to read the fine print. I won’t be getting that damned tattoo unless those feckless good for nothing porn watching bastards pull up their damned pants, clean up their act and start participating in decent society.

      And I hadn’t considered the “bootylicious” tattoo but it’s an interesting choice. I’m just not sure my ass is large enough to accommodate a 12-letter word. That would have to be some damned fine print.

      All the best and thanks for sending.


  42. mystsong permalink
    9:45 pm

    I like the “cut here” idea best, personally. Humorous and useful! Perfect, in my opinion. Something commemorative but tasteful might also be a suitable choice. I know a woman who had stars tattooed on her shoulder with the names of her lost children under each one. It’s a beautiful piece of art and very poignant.

    Personally, with my low pain tolerance and deathly fear of needles, I doubt I’d ever get a tattoo. If I ever did it would have to be something personally meaningful to be worth the unpleasantness of having it done. Possibly something religious. Maybe a lock/key motif.

    I’m sure Rose will have considerably more to say on the topic than I, as usual. Especially since she plans on having some done at some point.

    • mystsong permalink
      9:56 pm

      Oh, and by the way Mr. Mills, I believe you mean to use a colon : rather than a semi-colon ; when stating the placement of each potential piece. A semi-colon is used to indicate a complete clause and the transition into the next. A colon is what you use to indicate specifying something.

      • Shafali permalink
        12:20 am

        Wow! mystsong, you must really be a Grammarian. I respect all Grammarians. They’ve achieved what I can never dream of achieving – Perfection! But then a caricaturist thrives on imperfections! If everybody and everything was perfect, the world would be a pretty drab place to live in:)

        Warm Regards,

        PS: Low tolerance for pain is a good reason for remaining blemish-free:)

    • 3:19 pm

      Many thanks mystsong,

      Nice of you to stop in and I appreciate the clarification on the colon/semi-colon issue. I’ve gotten a tad sloppy in my use of punctuation over the course of the past few years and welcome the reminder on correct usage. Feel free to correct me at any time.

      I’m no fan of needles either but I’ve had so damned many over the course of the years that I barely notice them anymore. Still, the ones I’ve had are usually used to draw fluids, not shoot ink into my skin. That’s the part I’m not entirely comfortable with.

      Very nice to hear from you again. I hope you’re keeping well.

      All the best,


  43. 12:38 am

    I’m sorry I haven’t been more attentive and that it’s taken me this long to come by and read your latest. A few months ago I saw a woman at Walmart (with children) with tears inked on her face. So sad.

    I’ll vote for “Keep of my grass”. I believe that fits you to a tee, but maybe you should consider it on your forehead instead. It would be awfully chilly for you to go baring your chest in the middle of the winter when those assclowns decide to build snowmen in your front yard. I wouldn’t want you to catch a cold or anything.

    • 3:57 pm

      Many thanks Jill,

      No need to apologize. I just appreciate your stopping in. It’s more than my family does.

      You make a very fine point about the bare chest and I do appreciate your concern. You’re right; I need to be mindful of catching cold. At my age it can be very dangerous.

      All the best, Jill.


  44. 7:53 am

    One of my students’ brothers just got “Love Diez Hard” inked on his leg and it’s a beaut. Accordingly, I’d suggest something timelessly misspelled, although you may want to go for a more universally-applicable message such as “Prospective Employment Diez Eazy.”

    • 3:58 pm

      Thank you Miss Flips,

      Love Diez Hard? A timeless message indeed. Is he referring to the movie franchise or something more romantic, I wonder? Regardless, your suggestion about making the message more universally-applicable is well taken and, I must say, entirely appropriate.

      Many thanks for stopping in.

      Best regards,


  45. MyCaneIsSmarterThanYouKid permalink
    1:23 pm

    If you elect to get inked, I would certainly understand the Get-Off-My-Lawn tattoo. But please don’t do it to appease these obnoxious little bastards, as I doubt the ones wearing ass-less pants are even literate, much less capable of discerning the double meaning of “Lawn”. Hell, most of them don’t even have a “lawn” yet. The whiny little farts probably sit around on cushions waxing themselves. I do have a suggestion, though. Get the ASSCLOWN tattoo. Then, when one of the spittle-speckled little turds shows up to crap on your yard, you can wear a shiny metal ‘A’ ring on your left middle finger. Punch him with the left hand first, followed by the right. That way. the last things he’ll see before his cheeks kiss dirt will be “LAWN ASSC”. You might even have time to take off the ring and regroup for the ASSCLOWN coup de grace. I just want you to get your money’s worth. Besides, what if you decide half-way through that you made a mistake? Then you’ll just have a big flaming “Get Off” on your chest. Sends the wrong message, I think.

    “The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive. ” – R.A.H.

    • 3:58 pm

      Thank you MyCaneIsSmarterThanYouKid,

      First off, I must commend you on your excellent choice of user name. It would actually make a fine tattoo itself.

      And thank you for the very creative suggestion. While I don’t normally wear any jewelry other than my wedding ring, I may just have to make an exception and start looking into where I might be able to get one of those “A” rings.

      All the best and thanks for your comment. I do hope to hear from you again.



      • MyCaneIsSmarterThanYouKid permalink
        2:43 pm

        Why thank you, Don. You’re a gentleman and a scholar; a fine judge of beautiful horses and fast women!
        That’s not a bad tattoo idea, come to that… Of course, I’d have to ink an effigy of Hazel to go with it (Hazel’s my cane, I named her after her mother). It would be fitting, I think. After all, she was hand-carved, cured for over a year, and given a fine polish. That’s quite a bit more education and refinement than many young folks get these days. “Dumb as a stick” would be an insult to my cane. After all, she’s actually reliable, not to mention strong, smooth, beautiful and hard-as-nails. Kids today could learn a thing-or twenty from Hazel:

        Not bad for a tattoo, eh?
        “Hello, local Extension Service? Yes, I’d like to find a ring, please… made from pieces of a machine that automatically writes letters for lazy people. It should be stylish, cost less than fourty dollars, and be delivered to me within the week. Yes, that’s right. You do? Wonderful!”

        • MyCaneIsSmarterThanYouKid permalink
          2:46 pm


          • 7:16 pm

            Many thanks MyCaneIsSmarterThanYouKid,

            A wonderful comment and a fine looking cane as well. Never thought of naming mine – I’ll have to give that some thought.

            All the best and thanks again,


  46. Jack permalink
    1:28 am

    Get a flesh colored tattoo, that way you can be cool without
    looking like a convict!

  47. 11:02 am

    Howdy, I’ve just found your site and am mighty pleased to have done so. I too have been contemplating a tattoo in the form of the little blue wheelchair badge guy. I’ve been in a wheelchair for three years since the legs gave way and I want something to flash in the face of all those lazy youngsters who park in disabled parking because they think that a lack of concern qualifies as a disability. One question for you though, many of your references are American (Piggly Wiggly) but for some reason I thought this was a Canadian blog. Which side of the border do you plant your flag on? If you don’t mind a perfect stranger asking a personal question that is …

    • 7:27 pm

      Many thanks Dave,

      I think that would be an excellent tattoo. Wish I had thought of that myself.

      You may have made the Canadian connection because of my occasional reference to my sister in law who lives in Sudbury. Me, I live in Pleasantville and always have.

      All the best,


  48. 8:04 pm

    Oh! How exciting, Mr Mills! Have you considered having a cardigan tattooed on? Or maybe a string vest? Or a list of your post titles down your back could be fun, I think. Good luck! P.S. Nappy rash ointment works well as a healing agent on tattoos. I expect you have some handy, eh?

  49. 12:34 am

    Many thanks syncopated eyeball,

    I considered the cardigan tattoo but was concerned it might be itchy. And time consuming to get done. And given my color of choice (anywhere in the brown spectrum) that it might just end up looking like a very unfortunate skin disease.

    Nappy rash ointment? I think that was the name of the damned punk rock band my nephew Charlie was involved with back in the late 1970s. Don’t know what became of that boy but I suspect it was nothing good.

    If you mean zinc oixide, I’m sure I’ve got a tub or two of that kicking around somewhere.

    All the best,


  50. 4:14 am

    I’m voting for “cut along dotted line”, although, at your age – I would be concerned about where they would cut as the tattoo shifted south.

    • 3:09 pm

      Thank you Tracy,

      I think think most of my shifting has already occurred. And, really, even if I can just get them in the general vicinity of my heart it’s probably a good first step.

      All the best,


  51. lianamerlo permalink
    12:35 pm

    Tattoos add an instant hot factor, no matter what age. Good luck beating off the women at bingo with a stick.

    • 3:12 pm

      Thank you kindly lianamerlo,

      Somehow I just can’t picture me beating off a woman with a stick…interesting notion though. I’ll pass this information on to my brother, York. He’s always looking for a leg up when it comes to impressing the ladies.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.


  52. Margie Sweeney permalink
    3:31 am

    I am a bit of a sentimental fool. I vote for the Aggie 4ever tat! By the way, I came to your website via my friends, Shrink Rap. I think you are as funny as she! Enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for all of the laughs!

    • 3:14 pm

      Thank you Margie and welcome.

      I appreciate the comment and the sentimentality. I hope to hear from you again.

      Best regards,


  53. 12:35 pm

    The “dotted line” tattoo sounds great!

  54. 7:47 pm

    Heya Don!

    Please don’t get the “Get Off of My Lawn” tatto! It will give an impropper image after seeing a picture of a girl with a lawn mower where the hair starts to grow near her “muffin”… If you get my meaning… Sorry, I had to mention it..

    But as a viking heir it would be nice to see you with Thor’s hammer or an other symbol like it.

    As a girl I like the Aggie tatto!

    Had more to say, but I’m off to some friends. And one of them are planning a very beutiful tatto of her twins as angels on her tummy.

    All the best, 1zzy!

  55. 4:25 am

    It has occurred to me that you may have neglected to include the general cycle of angst and clothing in your machinations. When the current young generation becomes old, will they not move naturally into the crabby, cardigan-wearing twilight years, thus eventually fulfilling their side of the deal with you beyond the grave and unable to respond in kind?

    Unless you specify that all young people must class-up with clothing and a job, perhaps you could consider adding the deal to your will and leaving a small trust fund.

    It would probably mean digging up your bones and carving a little ‘Life Addendum’ into one. Or even better, using your grave grass as deceased skin and having a gardener poison the tattoo you decided on into it. Advertising wouldn’t do you much good then and ‘——— Cut along the dotted line’ might lead to some treasure-hunting unpleasantness, but ‘GET OFF MY LAWN’ would work well.

  56. Rage of Those Interrupted permalink
    3:44 pm

    I vote for the GET OFF MY LAWN. If nothing else, it will get young people to avoid you.

  57. Simon permalink
    11:05 am

    There is a young gentleman cycling round London with a tattoo of Angela Lansbury on his calf, with ‘Murder’ tattooed in gothic script above. Not sure whether he’s a Crip or a Blood.

  58. 2:47 pm

    Don’t get a tattoo. You will regret it Don, just like thousands of people on the planet do. But if you must I say the dotted line across your heart that will be extremely helpful.

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