Things Seniors Can Do Better Than Damned Young People
Young people are always shooting off their mouths about how useless we old folks are. They’re big on talk but when you really think about it, we seniors can do anything those young folks can do and a Hell of a lot more.
For your consideration, a brief list of things that old people can do a far sight better than any wet-behind-the-ears young person.
Serve in the U.S. Senate
When was the last time you saw a damned teenager serving in the U.S. Senate? I’ll tell you when – never! And that’s because everyone with a lick of sense knows that if you want to run a decent society you need to populate your governing bodies with nothing but really old white men.
Sit up Straight
Even with a stoop, a hunch and a partial hump I have 10 times the posture of your averaged damned teenager and know how to position myself in a chair without looking like a half-stuffed scarecrow on a three day drunk.
Forget rugby, football, boxing and other panty-waisted foppery – lawn bowling is a game that requires top physical conditioning, mental toughness and real grit. And that’s why you’ll never see damned young people in shorts, white socks and sandals at the local lawn bowling club – they just don’t roll that way.
My old mom could take two wormy apples, some turned lard, a handful of spice, a ball of knotted twine and an old newspaper and turn it into the most delicious homemade pie you’ve ever tasted. Young people? If it involves anything more complicated then combining cake mix with cannabis and then stuffing it in an Easy Bake oven, they’d burn the house down.
Write a letter of Complaint
Young people today lack the vocabulary, backbone and brains to write anything more than an inarticulate, half-assed flaming outburst in a moronic chat room. A decent letter of complaint is a powerful tool and one that requires mental agility, discipline and liberal use of phrases like “road apples” “balderdash” “hooey” and “gumption.”
Have you ever seen a young person try to do mental math? They appear to be either in the throes of painful constipation or on the verge of stroke. If you’re ever confronted by a menacing youth, just ask him to sum 8 + 17 x 2 – 10 ÷ 2. If his head doesn’t explode immediately, he’ll at least be rendered temporarily immobile giving you ample time to smack him with your cane.
When was the last time you saw a teenaged Pope? I’ll tell you when – in 1032, that’s when. And that’s because everyone with a lick of sense knows that if you want to run a decent society you need to populate your religious bodies with nothing but really old white men.
Select Appropriate Pets
Iguanas, ferrets, snakes and rats aren’t pets – they’re vermin. In my day people didn’t invite them into our homes and make them a part of the god damned family – we clubbed them with sticks, pelted them with rocks and used them as ingredients in our delicious homemade pies.
I trust I’ve made my point, damn it.