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Things Seniors Can Do Better Than Damned Young People

Young people are always shooting off their mouths about how useless we old folks are. They’re big on talk but when you really think about it, we seniors can do anything those young folks can do and a Hell of a lot more.

For your consideration, a brief list of things that old people can do a far sight better than any wet-behind-the-ears young person.

Serve in the U.S. Senate

When was the last time you saw a damned teenager serving in the U.S. Senate? I’ll tell you when – never! And that’s because everyone with a lick of sense knows that if you want to run a decent society you need to populate your governing bodies with nothing but really old white men.

Sit up Straight

Even with a stoop, a hunch and a partial hump I have 10 times the posture of your averaged damned teenager and know how to position myself in a chair without looking like a half-stuffed scarecrow on a three day drunk.

Lawn Bowl

Forget rugby, football, boxing and other panty-waisted foppery – lawn bowling is a game that requires top physical conditioning, mental toughness and real grit. And that’s why you’ll never see damned young people in shorts, white socks and sandals at the local lawn bowling club – they just don’t roll that way.

Bake

My old mom could take two wormy apples, some turned lard, a handful of spice, a ball of knotted twine and an old newspaper and turn it into the most delicious homemade pie you’ve ever tasted. Young people? If it involves anything more complicated then combining cake mix with cannabis and then stuffing it in an Easy Bake oven, they’d burn the house down.

Write a letter of Complaint

Young people today lack the vocabulary, backbone and brains to write anything more than an inarticulate, half-assed flaming outburst in a moronic chat room. A decent letter of complaint is a powerful tool and one that requires mental agility, discipline and liberal use of phrases like “road apples” “balderdash” “hooey” and “gumption.”

Mental Math

Have you ever seen a young person try to do mental math?  They appear to be either in the throes of painful constipation or on the verge of stroke. If you’re ever confronted by a menacing youth, just ask him to sum 8 + 17 x 2 – 10 ÷ 2.  If his head doesn’t explode immediately, he’ll at least be rendered temporarily immobile giving you ample time to smack him with your cane.

Be Pope

When was the last time you saw a teenaged Pope? I’ll tell you when – in 1032, that’s when.  And that’s because everyone with a lick of sense knows that if you want to run a decent society you need to populate your religious bodies with nothing but really old white men.

Select Appropriate Pets

Iguanas, ferrets, snakes and rats aren’t pets – they’re vermin.  In my day people didn’t invite them into our homes and make them a part of the god damned family – we clubbed them with sticks, pelted them with rocks and used them as ingredients in our delicious homemade pies.

I trust I’ve made my point, damn it.

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191 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:24 am

    Well said Don. You made an excellent point. Another thing damned kids can’t do is read. Attention span is measured in micro-seconds, and literature is some sort of vampire crap novel.
    I hope my grand kids do better than this. In fact they are. My six year old granddaughter reads at a third grade level. What does that say about third-graders?
    I do love a fine rant, and you always give me a good laugh. Keep it coming.

    • 1:31 am

      Many thanks Hal. It’s always nice to hear from you.

      I fully agree with you regarding the reading. The only young people I’ve seen at my local library are the ones that sneak in to slobber over one another in the history section. You’d think they’d at least have the decency to take their antics to the “young adults” section. It’s damned well deserted there.

      My list barely begins to touch on the things old people can do better than the young. I’ll be very curious to read the comments and see what other things pop into people’s minds.

      Tell your granddaughter to keep up the good work. It will serve her well in the future.

      All the best,

      Don

    • Tory permalink
      5:35 am

      You can’t judge all young people becuase most of them want to be stupid and don’t want to apply themselves in school, you can’t blame the parents because the young kids don’t want to listen to them, they just want to hold they’re hand out for money and know that their parents love them enough they’ll pay their way in life, this is coming from a 21 yr old who grew up without a father and I know I’m not the greatest writer or full of gumption but if the old white men were so great at running the government, why are we in an economic crisis? Another point that frustrates me is running a political office was a voluntary job our forefathers did with their own money and still worked their ass off on the side, and yet today we have political members using PAC memo’s to fund their $250,000 a year golf membership with our tax dollars, just think about that.

  2. 12:40 am

    They also can’t shovel snow worth a damn. The families across the street boast at least three young folk of assorted genders and this now-officially-senior broad just shoveled a two-car drive, sidewalk along two sides of a half-acre lot, the street out to the plowed lane, and two rear porches while the earringed girly-magazine enthusiast across the street exhumed his Kia and drove off. Somewhere. Leaving his dad out with the shovel.

    I say it’s the nightly bong hits evaporating their testosterone levels.

    • 1:36 am

      Sledpress!

      An official senior broad? Congratulations! We’re a better group for having you as a member. Plus, we’ll need some damned muscle when we finally get around to kicking the asses of those bong-hitting, girly magazine-reading, earring-clad, Kia-driving damned young people.

      The extra smarts are a bonus too.

      Thanks for the comment and the laugh. I can just picture the kid.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 1:47 am

        Here Here sledpress. I remember as a kid we couldn’t wait for the snow to make some money. Now you can’t find a lazy ass kid to get off the x-box long enough to try and pay his own way through college.

      • 1:58 am

        Damn straight. Fifty-five seems to be the first cut around here for eligibility at “senior communities” and at least some commercial discounts, and I hit that last November. But I still haven’t taken my discount card shopping because I’m having too much fun teaching Hindu pushups to young whippersnappers in the gym
        http://sledpress.wordpress.com/2009/01/16/gimme-my-fin-senior-discount/

        Bearman — there’s probably some damn child labor law involved — can’t let them slip a disc you know.

        • 1:39 pm

          Ditto doubled down. I grew up where there was no snow, so I cut grass for extra money. Nowadays, mention grass and the damn punks pull out portable water pipes.

          • 10:42 pm

            Sled, we have the southern version of that in our neighborhood. They probably don’t even know where the lawnmower is kept.

    • YellowRoses610 permalink
      9:25 pm

      I just shoveled a car out of three feet of snow thank you!
      Why must I constently be insulted because of my stupid peers!?

  3. 12:48 am

    Well said as always, Mr. Mills.

    I am afraid that the letter of complaint has gone the way of strong suspenders and the nuclear family. Today’s young people think that an appropriate response to a perceived slight is the middle finger, cyber-stalking, or reporting their parents as abusers for simply asking them to clean their room.

    I’m afraid that to the next generation, even toilet papering a tree may be vaild form of complaint.

    • 1:40 am

      Thanks kindly bmj2k,

      You’re too damned right. Nowadays everything has to be immediate, crass and histrionic. Very well said.

      And it’s a damned shame about the strong suspenders too. I enjoyed them.

      All the best,

      Don

  4. 12:53 am

    If you ask a young person what the best invention in the world is, they tell you friggin “spell check”. They can write an essay without so much as knowing what the hell they have written. Forget vermin, we should be hitting them with stick and stones.

    • 1:57 am

      Many thanks Frigginloon,

      I’m actually surprised by your comment. Based on the comments I’ve received here (and the very disturbing emails) I would have thought that young people would find spell check to be little more than an annoyance.

      After reading gems like this…

      “yu dont have a clu on wats goin on whith nothing so fuck off old man”

      I’d almost be happy to see a greater reliance on artificial intelligence. It’s better than nothing, after all. (I am impressed that they generally manage to spell their profanities correctly.

      Start passing out the sticks, frigginloon, I’ll meet you outside of the food court at the mall at 9 p.m.

      Best regards,

      Don

    • Lynn permalink
      3:13 pm

      shoo loon!

    • Gnash N. Teeth permalink
      3:31 am

      DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON SPELLCHECK! In my day, “spell check” was a rap across the knuckles with a ruler (or at least humiliation before the class in some sordid style–each teacher preferred a different method to bring the students to their knees.) Guaranteed, after massaging your stinging pink hands, you would NOT MAKE THE SAME ERROR AGAIN!

      • 11:09 pm

        Always good to hear from you Gnash N. Teeth.

        Those teachers could be quite creative couldn’t they. I remember one male teacher slicing an essay of mine in half with a seam ripper. I’m still not sure exactly where he got that from or why he had it but it certainly made an impact.

        All the best,

        Don

  5. YellowRoses610 permalink
    12:57 am

    Nice one Don.
    I;d have to say Myst Song as a great baker,bat all I can do is make breakfast foods ordervs and drinks.

    I can how ever write a good letter of complaint. I wrote one to those Ku Klux Klan people because they are an offense to decent human beings. I scared them off, they won’t be coming up north again.

    Any way,I was wondering if you are enjoying the snow,it;s waist lenght where I live and damn near devores me when ever I go otu for a smoke.

    • 2:06 am

      Many thanks Rose,

      That must have been one Hell of a letter. I’m not familiar with them personally, but I was always under the impression it would take more than a well-reasoned, passionate letter of complaint to turn the lads in the Klan around. Regardless, my hats off to you.

      I don’t mind the snow – it’s the ice I worry about. When you get to be my age, one small misstep can have fairly serious consequences. Hattie was nice enough to clear my walk and I have a man who takes care of the driveway for me so I shouldn’t have too much trouble getting around. Plus, I tend to keep myself well stocked in tuna, rye and digestive biscuits just in case there is ever a real bad spell of weather.

      All the best, Rose. Hope the studies are going well.

      Don

      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        10:57 pm

        It didn’t turn them around, but they seem to be afraid of me now,so they are luckily to stay the hell away from Delaware for fear me me orginizing some sort of Mob wealding torches and pitch forks. That will teach them not to harass honest working citzens. (Mind you that was only one branch of them, apperently there are hundreds of branches). This was written to the one in a town in Maryland I used to take Horseback riding lessons in.

        As for as, I know what that’s like. I had to take care of my mother for a few weeks when I was eight because she slipped on ice after back surgery. This was also after her recovery from cancer, so she was especialy brittle.

  6. mystsong permalink
    1:02 am

    Good evening Mr. Mills. A lovely post as always. However, I have a few small complaints to lodge. Your commentary on young bakers is quite incorrect in my experience. I myself, and a number of my friends, are quite avid bakers. Some time I shall have to prepare you a loaf of my southern sourdough to illustrate my point.

    Also, on the topic of mental math: While I myself am no mathematical genius, given a few moment I can at least do simple math without a pen and paper, and I know a chap my age who can do calculus in his head in record time.

    You’re quite right about appropriate pets as people do keep some very strange companions anymore. I do hope you don’t include rabbits in your list of inappropriate pets. I am quite fond of my two.

    • 2:15 am

      Good evening to you as well mystsong,

      Nice to hear from you. I’ve noted your complaints and am glad to hear that there may be a small contingent of decent young folks out there who still engage in the lively art of baking. And southern sourdough sounds damned nice too. I haven’t had any decent sourdough bread in a long time.

      I’ll take you at your word regarding this calculus chap. All I know is that every time I got to a store, hand the teller my money and then give them some change I’ve located after they’ve rung the amount into the cash register, they seem to go into some sort of paralysis. You can smell the wires burning.

      And, I’m sorry, but I’ve never understood rabbits as pets. As meals, certainly, but pets no. It may be because I find their eyes disconcerting, I’m not sure. Regardless, I’m glad you enjoy yours and certainly hope you aren’t offended by my views (or retract your offer of fresh bread).

      Best regards,

      Don

  7. YellowRoses610 permalink
    1:03 am

    Can I feed your rabbit to my snake, when I get one?

    Hoinestily I’m a dog/Cat person.

    • mystsong permalink
      1:27 am

      No! You also forget, one of them things she is the killer rabbit from Monty Python and The Holy Grail. She would eat the snake.

  8. 1:26 am

    Holy crap, let’s don’t include the Senate in the list! They aren’t teenagers. . . they’re KINDERGARTENERS! Oh, Don, SURELY we can do better than that bunch of turds! If not. . . give the teenagers a shot at it!

    • 2:20 am

      Thank you merrilymarylee,

      A teenaged senate? You’re mad. They’d all be fornicating and lying and sending innappropriate text messages and stealing and cheating and bleeding the country dry.

      I won’t stand for it.

      All the best and thanks for visiting, merrilymarylee.

      Don

  9. 1:43 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    I absolutely agree with merrilymarylee about the politicians…and I also doubt if they’d be able to tell you what 2+2 is, if they don’t have a three-times reviewed draft ready beforehand!

    But about those damned young people – they also can’t “travel to learn”. They’d much prefer to sit in front of their smart idiot-boxes and study than “travel” (?) 3 miles to improve their mental abilities.

    Thanks for the wonderful post. A good laugh early in the morning all that you need to keep going:)

    Regards,
    Shafali

    • 2:23 am

      Many thanks Shafali,

      Nice of you to visit with me again. As you’ll see in my response to merrilymarylee, I think she is off track with this notion of a youth senate.

      Regardless, you’re absolutely right about the young folks being unwilling to shift themselves out of the way of the idiot box (my wife Aggie’s favorite term, by the way) to go and actually learn something. If it can’t be spoon-fed to them, they aren’t interested.

      Many thanks for visiting Shafali. May I ask where you are from?

      Best regards,

      Don

      • Shafali permalink
        8:57 am

        Hi Mr. Mills,

        The Tommy Lee-with-and-sans-Jones saga has finally been understood and the mistake corrected. At 28.38 N 77.12 E, most don’t know enough about TL….and so, there’s a mass-misunderstanding. But the mistake was completely mine – my research should’ve been more thorough:-)

        Warm Regards,
        Shafali

        • 11:12 pm

          No need to worry Shafali,

          As Nursemyra pointed out, Mr. Jones would likey be quite happy with the arrangement.

          28.38 N 77.12 E? Time to consult my atlas.

          All the best,

          Don

  10. robinaltman permalink
    2:00 am

    A senate full of teenagers would be a disaster. Everyone would be saying, “What about me? Come on! We’re off the topic of ME!” Oh, wait. That is exactly what our senate sounds like. Yikes!

    My younger son shoveled driveways yesterday, to make some money. What a wuss. He kept texting me, saying, “I’m dying here”. When he came home at night, he had earned about 8 bucks an hour. That’s a lot of money! “Alex,” I told him, “What the hell did you expect? It’s not like you’ve got any job qualifications. You should be thrilled. Now go upstairs and practice some mental math.”

    • 2:37 am

      Many thanks Doctor Altman,

      I’m glad to hear you advised your boy to “go upstairs and practice some mental math.” It’s a sign of good parenting and an appropriate ending to almost any conversation with a young person. Well done.

      It’s also nice to hear that your lad was out earning his keep. He’ll have learned an important life lesson (even if he was sending text messages while on the job). I hope you took the opportunity to teach him an additional life lesson and took 40% of his earnings as a “shovel rental fee” and in anticipation of the damned text message bills you are undoubtedly going to end up paying for.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  11. 2:02 am

    don, how can you forget that seniors can check turn signals like nobody’s business? while the young’uns get annoyed with that clicking sound after a few seconds, seniors can leave the damned things on for miles and miles and miles to make sure the technology is sound. and they never get credit for doing such an important service to the community.

    • 2:40 am

      An excellent point Nonnie.

      We seniors are exceptionally vigilant in our signaling. I’ve had my left turn signal on since 1972 and it’s not coming off until I’d damned sure that I’m done with left hand turns once and for all.

      Thanks for alerting people to our community mindedness.

      Best regards,

      Don

  12. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    2:46 am

    Well, Don, thank you for using the word “lick” in your post. I ask my girls on a regular basis “have you done a lick of homework today?”…to which they scowl and reply, ”a lick?!?” As to the art of letter writing, I think I nailed that one. The proof of the pudding is the $380 worth of complimentary merchandise delivered by UPS last month in response to a complaint I registered with a glassware company. I peppered my letter with terms such as “product liability”, “no warning sticker” and “inconvenienced, injured and lack of corporate concern.” Turns out, the company was concerned.

    My well educated daughters couldn’t have pulled that off. Love your blog.

    • 2:07 pm

      Very nice to hear from you Elizabeth,

      Unfortunately, I don’t find businesses to be as responsive to letters as they once were. I’m not sure if it is because people don’t need to compose an actual letter anymore and can just fire off a slapdash email to them or because the companies just don’t give a damn about their customers these days. It’s likely a combination of both.

      Regardless, congratulations on getting some satisfaction from the glassware company. It’s nice to know that a well-worded missive can still occasionally get results.

      Thanks very much for visiting.

      All the best.

      Don

  13. 3:46 am

    Donald, my yoda for the ages, my temple of Ankor Wat (stay with me here, Don, I’m a freaky Buddhist). You are a genius. The Cherokee divided their society into two groups identified by colors: red and . . . give me a minute. Anyway, the two colors signified 1) Young and therefore warriors 2) Old and therefore decision makers. Take note that our Declaration was drafted off the Cherokee Constitution, not a bunch of blather from the English. What am I trying to say? George Burns would have been a great president. Clint Eastwood right now would be good. Morgan Freeman. Sorry Don . . . I have no idea why I’m so serious tonight. You made me laugh outloud like a nut, and now I’m a historian and Hollywood buff. The threads are unreal. Too much beer during the Super Bowl has rendered me goofy. Great post!

    • 2:20 pm

      Many thanks Dan,

      An interesting mix of references. I suspect this may be the first time that Yoda, Ankor Wat, the Cherokee and George Burns have all been included in the same paragraph.

      Hope you enjoyed the game and thanks for visiting. It’s always good to have you stop in.

      Best regards,

      Don

  14. Debbi permalink
    3:51 am

    Hi Don,

    My Sunday wouldn’t be complete without reading your weekly missives.

    Have you considered hiring yourself out as a freelance writer of complaint letters? Could provide a tidy bit of additional (and off-the-books, though you didn’t hear that from me) income. You clearly have an aptitude for it, because anyone who can use the words “road apples” “balderdash” “hooey” and “gumption” liberally in any letter deserves to be paid for it–and quite well, at that.

    • 2:26 pm

      Thanks for visiting Debbi,

      I tend to keep busy enough writing my own letters of complaint. I generally find cause to write at least one or two a day. The way I go through stamps I suspect I may be responsible for the ongoing viability of the postal service itself. (Although I’ve written a good number of complaint letters to them as well and they’d be wise to smarten the Hell up).

      Always a pleasure to have you stop in. I hope you’re well.

      Don

  15. 4:18 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    You post a brief, yet accurate list of things old people can do better than those damned teens!

    I would like to specifically address your item “write a letter of complaint.” A decent letter of complaint is indeed a powerful tool and one that I love to use! These kids have no clue how powerful a well written letter can be. Instead, they comment on a firm’s website with their “txt tlk” and then are surprised when they get no action.

    I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I have written letters that have been used as learning tools in customer service meetings AFTER I have already received the customer service manager’s personal cell phone number, a refund and a promise from the store never to provide inferior service or products ever again!

    On second thought, let’s not tell them how powerful a well written letter of complaint can be. They don’t deserve to know.

    Once again, another well written post by a really old white man. Keep up the good work.

    Best Regards, Mrs. King

    • 3:01 pm

      Many thanks Mrs. King.

      I’m delighted to learn that you make good use of letters of complaint. I honestly thought these missives had gone the way of the Labrador Duck, the Insular Cave Rat and the Big Thicket Hog-nosed Skunk.

      I never send a complaint via a firm’s website. Not only because I think a real letter carries more weight but because there is too much temptation to fire off an impulsive and hasty note. A good letter of complaint needs to percolate for a while before being written.

      All the best, Carol, and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  16. Friar permalink
    4:22 am

    Great post, Don.

    I’d like to add some other things seniors can do better:

    – Keeping the driveway immaculately clean (by hosing it down daily)

    – Horticulture

    – Appreciating Bingo and Lotto

    – Driving at safe speeds.

    – Fighting back the Nazis.

    • 5:28 am

      They aren’t called The Greatest Generation for nothing.

    • 3:11 pm

      Many thanks Friar,

      Excellent additions to the list. I appreciate it.

      Your comment got me to thinking about a former neighbor of mine (coincidentally also named Don). His driveway was immaculate in winter and summer. In fact, so was his lawn. I swear that the day he put the snow blower away for the season was the same day he changed the oil on his lawn mower and fired it up.

      He was a good man and a fine neighbor.

      All the best, Friar. As always, great to hear from you.

      Don

  17. momromp permalink
    4:38 am

    Could not agree more about the posture of teenagers. Even when students were mildly interested in what I was saying in my classroom, they still couldn’t find the energy to rise from full slouch to mid-slouch. Frustrating.

    I’m intrigued by your mother’s baking…care to share that recipe? I have yet to make an apple pie that doesn’t taste like some odd combination of gruel and despair.

    • 3:18 pm

      Many thanks momromp,

      It’s been a while since I’ve attended a classroom (thank God) but I would have thought that was perhaps the one place in which young people were actually required to sit up straight. I’m disappointed that it’s not the case but not terribly surprised.

      As for the pie, I’m afraid I was never privy to the recipe. My old mom didn’t like having the boys cluttering up the kitchen and while she was taught us enough so that we could make our own simple meals, I think she knew that none of us had the patience or aptitude for baking. I can’t do much more than make toast.

      Sorry I can’t help you but I have to say I’m fascinated by the notion of a pie that tastes of gruel and despair. I’d almost like to try a slice just to see what that combination of flavors might taste like.

      All the best,

      Don

      • momromp permalink
        8:32 pm

        I thought you might be a gruel man. Just seems like something you would enjoy. However, gruel combined with despair tastes like what I imagine wet dog would taste like. I don’t recommend it.

  18. 4:42 am

    I know companies are looking for seniors to work because teenagers are either stoned or tired from an all-nighter playing with their Wii.

    I have a love-hate relationship with teenagers and their bad math. I love it when I give them a $10 bill and I get two $20 bills in return. I hate it when they get fired that night.

    • 3:51 pm

      Many thanks Ahmnodt,

      I’d be looking for senior workers too. These youngsters are too damned unreliable.

      And with respect to the incorrect change, you know that if they don’t get fired they are just going to quit anyway. That’s one thing young people are good at – getting into a huff and quitting their damned jobs.

      All the best,

      Don

  19. 4:59 am

    Dear Don,

    My hats off to you for another fine rant. You certainly have pegged the young ones once again. I have been witness to full blown seizures over mental math.

    Have you ever tried to read their writing? Whatever happened to proper penmanship? Of what purpose does a heart or star serve instead of a dot over the letter i? Do they really believe that the DMV gives a toot over that final curly scroll work at the end of their names?

    Let’s just be happy that they cannot become Pope. I don’t think I could live with that.

    Kindest regards,
    mcnorman

    • 6:57 pm

      Many thanks mcnorman,

      The mental math seizures are frightening – but also rather amusing at points. I remember one lad in particular going into full blown panic when his cash register seized up. He just kept repeating the same two or three words over and over and over again, like an old record skipping on the turntable. I was half tempted to cuff him lightly on the back of the head to try and snap him out of it.

      And I’ve given up on hoping that penmanship will ever make a comeback. I assume they don’t even teach that in schools anymore. More likely they’re taking classes in proper emoticon use.

      All the best, mcnorman, and thanks for visiting.

      Best regards,

      Don

  20. 5:45 am

    I know one thing young people are better at than old people: making license plates at the state penitentiary.

    Pressing license plates should be mandatory learning in all middle schools so the little deliquents are familiar with the machinery by the time they get to the pen. This will cut back on taxpayers footing the bill for any injuries that occur.

    • 9:51 pm

      Thank you yellowcat,

      I suspect you’re correct – they would be a sight better at making license plates. Your comment actually got me to thinking that I should try to focus more on the positives associated with young people. I may just have to prepare a post along these lines. In addition to being better at making license plates, they also create jobs in law enforcement – and I’m all for supporting our police. So, my sincere thanks for the idea.

      And I think your suggestion about making it a mandatory subject in schools is an excellent one. I’d suggest you consider sending a strongly worded letter to your local state representative.

      All the best, yellowcat, and many thanks for the chuckle.

      Best regards,

      Don

  21. YellowRoses610 permalink
    6:10 am

    Also, I’m damned good at complaints. I have very expsressive eyes, and most people don’t want to be seen yelled down by a sickily woman varely over five feet tall.

    • 9:53 pm

      Many thanks Rose.

      I suspect that it is very true. But if that’s the case they should just smarten up in the first place.

      Best,

      Don

      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        11:03 pm

        Oh they should, but people where I live can berely count as servers. I swear if I see one more person at the Supermart Texting as they ring me up, I will throw their Cellphone against a wall.

        I think I’m going to write a letter of complaint to my super market, it went down hill since my asshat older brother was not there to terrify the employs into doing their jobs so he didin’t have to.

        They make me bag my own grocceries, and won’t even offer to help me carry things on the rare occation the shaking in my leg makes me need a cane.

  22. York Mills permalink
    6:49 am

    Hee hee…

    Don,

    You forgot to mention that we can also, “Please a Member of the Opposite Sex.”

    Now I know it’s inappropriate to provide details here, but… Hee hee, let me just say that the secret is in the artificial hips.

    Whoopee!

    Hee hee…

    • YellowRoses610 permalink
      7:26 pm

      York you bastard! I bet that was you in that car that nearily ran me over!

      So I’m walking to Seven eleven,minding my own buseness walking in the bike lane, because the snow drift on the side walk is tit height
      All the sudden some assclown in an SUv comes racing around a corner and is with in a few feet of me
      I have to dive in to the snow bank.
      I landed face down in the snow and had to dig my way out, then that fucker was driving away! I get up and yell “Learn to fuvking drive!”

      It’s illegal to drive in the bike land and the road was cleared. Shame on you, and learn to put turn signals on!”

      Cold bruised and Irate,
      Rose A Willamson

    • 9:54 pm

      Jesus, York.

      How many times do I have to tell you – red pill in the morning, green pill at night.

      Have a lie down and call Doctor Presswell if you don’t feel better by morning.

      Don

    • 7:42 pm

      Don,

      Although I would never admit this publicly, York does have a point about the hip. Like my sprightly (and suprisingly agile) Auntie D always says, “Once you go prosthetic, it´s all copacetic!”

      (Well, unless you were “going prosthetic” in 2001, that is- http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1370/is_6_35/ai_80681265/ )

      (wtf?)

      Anyhoo, brilliant post once again, Don. I think it´s safe to say that because of you, sissies everywhere will finally see “panty-waisted foppery” for the effeminate waste of time that it is.

      Your friend,

      Bschooled

      • 11:20 pm

        Lovely to hear from you Bschooled,

        I think that we’ve all turned a blind eye to painty-waisted foppery for long enough. It’s time we took a stand (even if it is on recalled artificial hips).

        I’d ask if you are keeping well but the fact that you’re in agreement with York has already given me my answer. Get some rest, stay out of the sun and avoid drinks with umbrellas.

        Send my best to your Auntie D!

        Your friend,

        Don

  23. 8:13 am

    Young people don’t know how to collect rubber bands, buttons or bits of string. They don’t know how to spread dripping, reuse brown paper bags or fold and save greaseproof paper either

    • 10:01 pm

      Many thanks Nurse Myra!

      An excellent list. My Aggie had a kitchen drawer stuffed full of rubber bands, bits of string, old keys and all manner of household hardware. I always thought it was a bit of a rats nest but she could find anything she needed. She also had more than a few bags of buttons tucked away in various locations throughout the house.

      And I remember only too well, the stack of folded brown paper bags she kept under the sink. I must have reused the same lunch bag a hundred times. Nothing better than a nice egg salad sandwich nearly wrapped in wax paper.

      Many thanks, Nursemyra. I hope you’re keeping well.

      Best regards,

      Don

  24. 8:27 am

    I’ll tell you a couple of things young people can do better than seniors: sleeping until the afternoon, coming up with reasons for the uses of medical marijuana, and saying uh, like all the time. I think you have just scratched the surfaced Don. Fine work as always.

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      1:12 pm

      Yes and using the word “like” all the damn time too. I’m like going to the shop like, I really need like something to eat, like I haven’t eaten since, like yesterday. HOLD ME BACK !!!!!

    • 10:02 pm

      Many thanks Fundamentaljelly,

      Very good points. As I mentioned to yellowcat, I suppose I should write a post giving the young people equal time. They do have a few things they manage to excel at.

      All the best,

      Don

  25. politicalpartypooper permalink
    12:09 pm

    I agree with everything! Except, Donald, “Serve in the Senate” is one you probably shouldn’t admit to. Those old white men have things so screwed up that we’d almost believe it was a bunch of teenagers running the country.

    • 10:20 pm

      Many thanks politicalpartypooper,

      After reading some of the comments here and reflecting a little more on the current state of American politics, I’m inclined to think you might be right. Perhaps that is one that I should have quietly pushed aside. Still, let’s see some punk kid be pope. Pope D.J. Ice I? I think not.

      Many thanks for visiting.

      All the best,

      Don

  26. 12:58 pm

    131? I’d use a calculator to check but I don’t have one and can’t find one on this damn computer.

    I agree that you can do all of those things much better than young people. Plus you left a hell of a lot out….

    Play checkers, bingo and bridge. They don’t have the patience.
    Keep your pant OFF the ground.
    Wearing undershirts underneath. Like God intended.
    Get a decent haircut.
    Find a respectable job.
    Volunteer.
    Win (and watch) The Price is Right.
    Apply Ben-Gay.
    Know that gay means happy!
    Reminisce.
    Obituary scanning.
    Patiently waiting.
    Keep foreign object off of grass.

    …To name but a few.

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      1:14 pm

      Oh “Gay Means Happy”. Thank God for that Scott.
      I’ve been preaching that for years.

    • 10:26 pm

      Many thanks Scott,

      An excellent list. I knew I could count on your for more than a few gems. If I ever get around to a “Part 2” I may just have to borrow a few of these. But for now, I have obituaries to scan.

      All the best,

      Don

    • YellowRoses610 permalink
      9:30 pm

      The Price is Right has not been the same since Bob Barker left.

  27. 1:33 pm

    Another fine post, Mr Mills. One that nearly killed me this morning I laughed so hard.

    Where would we be in this world if one couldn’t write a decent letter of complaint? Hurling unintelligible abuse that’s not even spelt correctly at someone you don’t agree with on YouTube is not a complaint. It’s a rant and an ineffective one at that. I sit straight, I stand straight, I walk straight, I AM straight. There’s no excuse for sloppiness, though there are plenty who will try and make them.

    I understand snake can be a very tasty treat. Would it work well fried in a little butter?

    Finally, Mr Mills, I’m informing you of my recently changed email address, which will put me back in your moderating queue. I hope you’ll allow me to continue to vent my spleen on your fine forum.

    • 10:40 pm

      Many thanks Pie,

      Of course, you’re always welcome to vent your spleen – or anything else that needs venting – here. That’s what the comments are for!

      As for the snake, I’ve never eaten one myself. I understand they taste like chicken but then again, apparently 85% of the animals on the face of the planet taste like chicken as well.

      Best regards, Pie, always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

      p.s. I thought your new email address was rather good and certainly appropriate.

  28. The Celtic Queen permalink
    2:12 pm

    Donald, I think the bad posture could have a lot to do with the ‘BLING’ that I see hanging around the necks of some of the youth. It must weigh a ton and probably causes them to stoop forward. Sitting in a chair, well that’s just ‘I need to look cool’ posture. Cool it isn’t! It’s a bit like in Australia, our young girls have parkas on during the winter. They have their stomachs hanging out and I mean hanging out but are wearing scarves around their neck. I ‘m sure they’ll all get chills in their kidneys.
    Do they honestly think they look cool? Even when they arrive at work they look like they slept in their clothes and they probably did.

    • 10:46 pm

      Thank you Celtic Queen,

      I’m quite sure you’re right. The 15 lbs of jewellery hanging around their necks and ill-fitting trousers certainly aren’t conducive to good posture. And I have no idea what to make of the parka/bare belly combination. They may well get chills in their kidneys but it sounds to me like they have rocks in their head.

      My old dad used to say that these kind of folks looked like they’d been “rode hard and put away wet.”

      Many thanks for visiting, Celtic Queen

      All the best,

      Don

    • 1zzy permalink
      1:35 pm

      Hi, Celtic Queen

      One question. Is it even cold in Austalia? Might be a myth I’m basing this on, but… I tought Australian winter was just like a Norwegian summer… Usualy 20 degreds celcius. Or there about…

      And as for the comment on the young girls with bellys hanging out. It happens here in Norway to… I even was one of them ten years ago. Untill I understod why my tumy always hurt…

      1zzy

  29. Anonymous permalink
    3:15 pm

    20

  30. hisqueen permalink
    3:46 pm

    Good God..all I need to do is change my gender and I’ve got it made on the list.

    I can soooo bake, love love love to write complaint letters with words so large they have to use a dictionary to find out what I really mean. I sound very authoritative which is why my husband always insists I write all letters for him. Some days it’s good to be a stay at home wife with lots of time on her hands to build up a proper rage at the disrespect and outrageous things you can get in the mail that need a proper beat down with a well worded letter.
    Mental Math….good god.. this is something that outrages me about our schools now a days. They are raising our children to be idiots. None of them can do mental math anymore. They are teaching them to add using little square graphs and weird stuff like that to do simple adding and subtracting. What happened to carrying the damn numbers over and simply doing the work.. We actually had to teach our son, who has a genius IQ, to do simple adding and subtracting. In 4th grade he didn’t know how to carry over the numbers. My kids wanted a snake for a pet but I was very firm and insisted on dogs. None of that nonsense in my home. I’d find out they didn’t feed it for a week and wake up to it trying to eat me. NO THANK YOU…

    • 1:11 am

      Thanks kindly hisqueen,

      While Pope and U.S. Senator may not be within immediate reach, Queen is certainly nothing to sneeze at.

      I’m very glad to learn that we have another avid “nasty letter” writer among the commenters. It’s heartening to know that there are still a few folks out there that enjoy it as much as I do. And I fully agree with you about them requiring time to take shape. As I mentioned earlier, a proper letter of complaint is best written after it has had a chance to come to a slow boil.

      I’m not sure what they are teaching kids in school today but memorizing your damned times tables and learning the basics of adding and subtraction is generally a good place to start. Good on you for taking the time to make sure your sprog has the basics. More parents should make a point of it.

      All the best and thanks for stopping by to visit.

      Don

  31. 4:27 pm

    Every time I try to do mental math, naked girls show up in my brain. How I can I be expected to get ANYTHING productive done? Please help me.

    • hisqueen permalink
      5:26 pm

      line them up..add, subtract, multiply and divide according to your likes and dislikes..

    • 1:18 am

      Thank you morethananeletrician,

      Sounds to me like you you’re girl crazy. Forget the damned mental math for a while and take a cold shower. Or better yet, some good old fashioned exercise will exorcise those ladies from your mind.

      I’d suggest deep squats and a little work with a chest expander.

      Thanks for visiting lad.

      Don

      p.s. Here is an attractive woman for you: 56.23 x 12=13/2 -4x

      • 4:57 am

        I have been doing deep squats for 25 years and I still somehow ended up as a Woman Of A Certain Age With A Past. This may not be the answer.

        • Lily Fossil permalink
          6:16 am

          For a moment there I thought “deep squats” were some form of algorithm and I must have missed that day at school when they taught it!

          Silly Lily

  32. Katsy permalink
    6:52 pm

    You mention *write*. Now, THAT’S a laugh. All those young’uns know how to do is print. Whatever happened to beautiful cursive? And don’t get me started on texting. I tell you if their thumbs fell off, they’d be reduced to grunting and pounding their chests.

    • 1:23 am

      Thank you Katsy,

      Do they actually print? I thought that had gone the way of Vegas Valley Leopard Frog, Fort Ross Weevil and Sampson’s pearly mussel. I thought that even basic printing was pretty much obsolete now that texting is the sole means of communication for anyone under 25.

      And as for grunting and pounding their chests, that may actually be a step up at this point.

      Many thanks for stopping in to visit.

      All the best,

      Don

  33. 7:21 pm

    Hello Mr. Mills—The art of writing a good letter of complaint is surely lost on the younger generation. I have in the past, however, received some fabulous results after penning such letters.

    The first time involved a half gallon of chocolate chip ice cream that was devoid of any chocolate chips. I wrote the offending company and told them their ice cream was not unlike Richard Nixon, who not only made promises he didn’t keep, but cheated us besides. The company sent a beleaguered, balding gentleman out to my little apartment with a styrofoam cooler bearing a replacement chocolate chip ice cream carton and two other flavors. I felt somewhat sorry for the man, but I did enjoy the ice cream.

    The other time involved a six-pack of Tab where each can contained only about an inch of the product. No gentleman was dispatched, but I did receive two six-packs by parcel post. Try to get results like that, chat rooms!

    • 2:02 am

      Thank you very much texastrailerparktrash,

      I think I’m going to have to start referring to you as texastpt, that full name is quite a handful to type.

      There really is something very satisfying about getting action from a letter of complaint isn’t there? It’s always nice to feel that you’ve been heard and that your concerns have been recognized. Even with a good letter, I find it very rare these days.

      And I honestly haven’t heard of any company sending a representative out to someone’s house in years. That’s customer service 1955 style. You must have made quite an impression.

      All the best and thanks for sharing.

      Don

      • 3:55 am

        Thanks, Mr. Mills—I agree, my full moniker can be a real finger tangler. My friends call me TTPT. You may also.

        The visit from the ice cream rep. was in 1965, before customer service went to hell in a handbasket. Nowadays, you’re lucky if you get a form letter with your name spelled correctly.

        • 2:26 pm

          Don’t talk to me about customer service.

          We used to have chocolate vending machines on all the underground stations here in London until very recently. They seem to have disappeared without my noticing, or maybe I’m finally losing it, but I digress. Tube users regularly played the game of ‘Chocolate Roulette’ on those machines because there was more chance of going to mars in a washing machine than receiving the chocolate for which you had paid. One day I had enough and wrote a stiff letter to the company. I received a letter of apology, which was nice, but attached to that letter with clear tape were two coins totalling 30p. I think a bare chested Brad Pitt with a box filled with a year’s worth of chocolate would’ve been a more than adequate compensation, although at my age, that vista probably would’ve speeded up my journey to the pine box.

          • 11:25 pm

            A lovely story Pie. I’ve never heard the phrase “more chance of going to mars in a washing machine” before. I quite like it.

            Don

  34. Lily Fossil permalink
    9:49 pm

    Dear Donald,

    Wisdom is what Seniors have in abundance; the wisdom to know when to speak and when not to speak for instance. Young people say the first stupid thing that comes into their head without thinking first (presuming they know how to think, that is).

    Seniors have the wisdom 1) to save for a rainy day 2) to wear sensible shoes and clothes 3) to not attempt things that may cause injury 4) to read and understand weather conditions etc (and when to use “etc”).

    Wisdom comes from life experience in the real world and unfortunately young people are severely lacking in real world life experience, everything is virtual to them now so I fear that wisdom is a dying art.

    Sagely,

    Lily

    • YellowRoses610 permalink
      11:08 pm

      You remind me of my late Nana McEnruig. She was of course much older than you, having died in her nineties. I think you two would have made good friends.
      You both, (and I mean this in the niceiest way) have a hell of a mouth on you, and don’t put up with unruley shennigans.

      Respectfully yours (and hoping not to be hit with a cane.),

      Rose A. Willamson

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      11:26 pm

      Sadly what you say is true Lily Fossil. My girlfriend’s 4 and 5 year grandsons got a Wii and far too many other gifts for Christmas. Just what all 4 and 5 year old children need. Now they can play tennis in the lounge room. Bearing in mind in Oz we seldom have wet rainy days to hinder them . Why can’t they let them play tennis in their own backyard and run around a bit in the fresh air. Yes Don Aggie was right, too much time spent in front of the idiot box.

    • 2:10 am

      Very well said, Lily.

      I couldn’t agree more about knowing when to keep your mouth shut. My dear Aggie used to say that half of the young people were just “speaking to hear their heads roar.” And she wasn’t prone to criticizing others (she left that to me).

      And, naturally, I fully agree with your assessment of where wisdom comes from and why it has become such an extremely rare commodity these days.

      Lovely to hear from you as always,

      Warm regards,

      Don

    • Gnash N. Teeth permalink
      3:24 am

      “And when to use etc.” Amen, sister! In addition, we know it IS E-T-C and not E-C-T; when I see “ECT” I tend to wonder if it stands for “ectomorph” or something of that nature.

  35. 1:08 am

    An amusing read as usual, Mr. Mills. I think I will adress this post on a point-by-point basis.

    “Serve in the U.S. Senate”

    The only things your average teenager would “serve” is coffee or burgers, and doing it half-assedly at that.

    “Sit up Straight”

    While I’ll admit I’m rather inclined to adopt a somewhat relaxed posture, I will at least sit up if spoken to about something important, like my Grannys’ arthritis or sexual deviances in the extended family.

    “Lawn Bowl”

    I believe lawn bowling is a rather all-american activity? But speaking of lawn sports, I did very nearly cave in my best friends’ skull with a croquet club once. Unintentionally, I probably should add. Still , what doesn’t kill you, and so forth. The man’s a medical doctor now, so I don’t think there was any significant long-term damage.

    “Bake”

    I’m not a baking man, as long as the supermarket next door still offers decent bread, I must say I far prefer cooking. I just did a rather nice texas-style chili, which takes (at least)three hours, and could probably kill a microwaving youngster at two hundred yards through sheer boredom.

    “Write a letter of Complaint”

    I suspect I’m still too young to write a good letter of complaint with conviction. I think I’ll save and distill all my bile until I hit my fifties, when I’ll probably just discover there are no newspapers left, only vaguely politically-minded blogs on the internet, or whatever it has mutated into by then.

    “Mental Math”

    I’ll have to admit I’m not good at it. Given a moment(and ample opportunity to fiddle with my beard) I can add up or multiply on a fairly basic level, though.

    “Be Pope”

    Seriously, who would want to be the Pope? I don’t generally advocate fornication, but a man needs to.. well you know, now and then. I would not want to be the most (after the President of the US, maybe) official(and thus subject to scrutiny) person in the world, if I weren’t allowed to let loose once in a while.

    “Select Appropriate Pets”

    I’m completely with you here. What the hell is wrong with our good old time-tested cats and dogs? But oh no, it’s got to be ferrets, snakes, giant cockroaches and God knows what*.

    * No, “God knows what” is not an animal, so you young people can save yourself the effort# of “googling” it.

    # I understand typing is considered manual labor these days.

    • 2:29 am

      Wonderful comment TJ,

      I do enjoy a good point-by-point response. In fact, I’d like to respond to each of your points on a point-by-point basis too.

      Serve in the U.S. Senate”

      The only things your average teenager would “serve” is coffee or burgers, and doing it half-assedly at that.

      half-assedly and certainly grudgingly. Half the time the counter help glares at me for having the audacity to pull them out of their slumber or interrupt them in the midst of changing their nicotine patch.”

      “Sit up Straight”

      While I’ll admit I’m rather inclined to adopt a somewhat relaxed posture, I will at least sit up if spoken to about something important, like my Grannys’ arthritis or sexual deviances in the extended family.

      A relaxed posture is fine. There is a difference between being “at ease” and being serpentine. Plus, you have your priorities right and know when your best posture and attention are required. Full points tending to your grandmother.

      “Lawn Bowl”

      I believe lawn bowling is a rather all-american activity? But speaking of lawn sports, I did very nearly cave in my best friends’ skull with a croquet club once. Unintentionally, I probably should add. Still , what doesn’t kill you, and so forth. The man’s a medical doctor now, so I don’t think there was any significant long-term damage.

      Adding the “unintentionally” was a very good call. You had me worried.

      “Bake”

      I’m not a baking man, as long as the supermarket next door still offers decent bread, I must say I far prefer cooking. I just did a rather nice texas-style chili, which takes (at least)three hours, and could probably kill a microwaving youngster at two hundred yards through sheer boredom.

      I would be willing to test your theory. This could be an important advancement for seniors everywhere. And, I make a damned good chilli myself.

      “Write a letter of Complaint”

      I suspect I’m still too young to write a good letter of complaint with conviction. I think I’ll save and distill all my bile until I hit my fifties, when I’ll probably just discover there are no newspapers left, only vaguely politically-minded blogs on the internet, or whatever it has mutated into by then.

      I think this is a very mature and sensible view. Based on the comments you’ve left, I suspect you’ll end up doing quite well in this area someday.

      “Mental Math”

      I’ll have to admit I’m not good at it. Given a moment(and ample opportunity to fiddle with my beard) I can add up or multiply on a fairly basic level, though.

      I’m no Einstein either but if my bill is $5.10 and I give a cashier $10.25 I don’t need a damned supercomputer to determine the correct change. And I suspect you wouldn’t either.

      “Be Pope”

      Seriously, who would want to be the Pope? I don’t generally advocate fornication, but a man needs to.. well you know, now and then. I would not want to be the most (after the President of the US, maybe) official(and thus subject to scrutiny) person in the world, if I weren’t allowed to let loose once in a while.

      Agreed.

      “Select Appropriate Pets”

      I’m completely with you here. What the hell is wrong with our good old time-tested cats and dogs? But oh no, it’s got to be ferrets, snakes, giant cockroaches and God knows what*.

      I don’t care for cats but at least they’re warm blooded. I’ve never understood snakes as pets, ferrets are vermin. As for giant cockroaches, I just assumed that was something young people saw when they were smoking the LSD.

      All the best, TJ.

      Don

      • Shafali permalink
        9:02 am

        You are absolutely right – I can’t imagine how a cockroach could be a pet!

        I did think of adopting a cute mouse once (about two weeks ago) – but a Terrier talked me out of my half-brained plan. The point is – I am not a teenager:( my mental age notwithstanding.

        Regards,
        Shafali

      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        8:56 pm

        I thought you might want to know,LSD is clear fluid. Or so my brother told me. I wouldn;t know from exsperance.

      • 9:03 pm

        Thank you Mr. Mills. Please excuse the delayed response, but I’ve been doing quite a lot of extra shifts at work, as well as a few beers in between. I wouldn’t dream of posting on your blog at anything but a fully sober, rested and attentive state of mind.

        [“Sit up Straight”] There is a difference between being “at ease” and being serpentine.

        Beautifully put, Mr. Mills.

        [“Lawn Bowl”]Adding the “unintentionally” was a very good call. You had me worried.

        I added it shortly after I’d written that paragraph, as it could of course easily be misinterpreted as if I deliberately tried to kill the guy. I’m all for the use of blunt force in select situations, but this one I can assure was purely accidental. Not being all too familiar with poshy lawn sports, the finer points of croquet had escaped me, and I took a good golf-fashioned swing at the ball, and my friends’ head happened to be in the way.

        [“Bake”] I would be willing to test your theory. This could be an important advancement for seniors everywhere. And, I make a damned good chilli myself.

        I cannot say I have put the theory to the test myself, but I believe the logic is sound. I find we usually see eye to eye regarding the current generations’ craving for instant gratification. And I digress, but to air another grievance, a good smoke-flavored(preferrably hickory) barbecue sauce(an essential ingredient for my chili) is impossible to find in this backwater.

        [“Write a letter of Complaint”] I think this is a very mature and sensible view. Based on the comments you’ve left, I suspect you’ll end up doing quite well in this area someday.

        That warms my heart, Mr. Mills. It really does.

        [“Select Appropriate Pets”]I don’t care for cats but at least they’re warm blooded. I’ve never understood snakes as pets, ferrets are vermin. As for giant cockroaches, I just assumed that was something young people saw when they were smoking the LSD.

        Uncharacteristically for a man, I’m a cat person, but to each his own. That doesn’t mean I don’t like dogs as well. Anyway, you should(or perhaps rather not) see the selection of multi-legged horrors on sale at any pet store these days. In fact, if it didn’t say “pet store” or the equivalent on the front door, and some daft pricks in the administration hadn’t figured that means “anyything goes”, health authorities would come down on those places like a ton of bricks, or, even better, a ton of cansisters of pesticide.

        A pleasure as always, Mr. Mills.

        -TJ

  36. 1:10 am

    Bon mot, Mr. Mills!

    Youth still being wasted on the young. If only someone could some sort of Freaky Friday-esque switchup so you could have the proper world-weariness pre-loaded onto the average 15-year-old tabula rasa, like so much shovelware and trial versions on a Dell PC.

    Think of the fun!

    Longer lines at the supermarket, because everyone has a pile of expired coupons and/or is writing out a check!

    Gone with the Wind back in the theaters and kicking Avatar right in its blue, 3-D ass!

    That gum you like is coming back in style!

    Conceivably, the list could go on and on, much like the interminable stories told by these teens and tweens, covering their experiences in the halls of Montezuma Technical School or the shores of Tripoli Beach Club, where everyday is Binge Drinking Day!

    • 3:59 pm

      Many thanks CLT,

      It’s an excellent notion (regardless of the fact that I object to the word “freaky” and have no idea what the Hell shovelware might be).

      The fun would indeed be endless. The return of decent slacks, malt shops, repressed urges, the lindy hop, and decent family values.

      This switchup machine of yours would be one technological gadget that I could certainly get behind.

      All the best and sorry for the delay in responding to your comment. It appears that my heart isn’t the only thing that occasionally skips a beat or two.

      All the best,

      Don

  37. Clifton L. Tanager permalink
    1:28 am

    Mr. Mills –

    With so many tender minds to toughen up, it’s a wonder you can still get your 14-16 hours of sleep a day. Must be the rye. I’ve always been more partial to Scotch or Irish Car Bombs, but perhaps you’re on to something.

    I noticed you called out the youngsters on their lack of complaint-letter writing skills. If only they knew the impact that a few carefully chosen words and a dusting of white powder would have on the powers-that-be.

    I’ve sent many a complaint letter in my time. There seems to be no shortage of irritating people, places and things in this world and under no circumstances should these annoyances be ignored or unpunished.

    I’ve fired off letters to the editor, senators, congressmen, city councilmen, presidents of homeowner’s associations, boy scout AND girl scout leaders, various foreign dignitaries and have harassed Mr. Benson (until his unfortunate passing five years ago) and his wife by mail for going on two decades.

    Some may consider this petty or unnecessary. Those of you who do may leave your names below and a handcrafted letter pointing out the error of your ways and several hundred small things to change about yourselves should arrive within 7-10 business days.

    You’ll find that the best complaint letters combine quiet dignity and righteous indignation with deep, personal insults and intense speculation on sexual orientation. This combination will overwhelm your various nemeses, be they legislative (“City Council Referendum #34.44 – Shooting Trespassers: Still Covered by Our Archaic Code?“), executive (“ATTN Shareholders of Sharper Image, Corp., esp. those involved with the ‘greenlighting’ of your underpowered and over-expensive nasal hair trimmer…“) or almost imaginary (CLT).

    Carry on, Don. A few solid years of your issuances should have this country back to at least “post-Vietnam” in no time.

    Sincerely,
    C.L. Tanager

    • YellowRoses610 permalink
      1:48 am

      I knew I liked you for a reason? Care to adopt an eighteen year old girl as an honorary daughter/GrandaughteR?

      • Clifton L. Tanager permalink
        3:39 pm

        YellowRose –

        As much as I’d love to, the Brangelina compound has named me as the legal godfather of their adopted horde, and in the likely event that something tragic should happen to them, my house will be filled with children that speak no English and are used to a lifestyle I can’t possibly afford to give them.

        • YellowRoses610 permalink
          9:01 pm

          That’s sweet, hehe.
          I can how ever preform manual labor, such as Dig a car out from three feet of snow in an hour, then get stuck in ina six foot tall snow bank and crawl out. (This just happened)

          I also am better security than a guard dog because I can see in the dark and move silentily. I also can disarm an intruder with large stick or a dictionary.

          This would be a worth wile investment, though I shoul;d warn you, cane sugar and starch can incapasitate me.

          I can also be fueled by Whisky, Coffee and cheese alone.

          ,
          Rose

  38. 2:15 am

    Great stuff as usual, Mr. Mills. There’s enough here for a damned fine book. I’d buy it.

    • 12:01 am

      Many thanks Sharon,

      That’s awfully kind of you to say. I appreciate it.

      All the best,

      Don

  39. 3:27 am

    Another art lost on young people is the ability to thoughtfully compliment another human being. The attendant ability to accept such a compliment with grace and gratitude is also unknown.

    Mostly it’s cutesy crap that they text one another or some twitterpated twaddle with hearts and cheap expressions of the other’s awesomeness, hotness, cuteness, etc.

    • 12:10 am

      Thank you Joan

      I have to admit that I hadn’t considered this but you are absolutely right. I’m not sure if it’s due to an inability to engage in polite conversation, poor manners, never having been taught social niceties, an utter disregard for the feelings of others or a combination of them all but you are spot on.

      And I can guarantee you that by noon tomorrow I will have used the phrase “twitterpated twaddle” at least a dozen times. Hope you don’t mind.

      All the best,

      Don

  40. 4:49 am

    Don,

    Just this past week, I stumbled across a picture that was drawn by my young son Tommy (6) . The picture , although not complete, showed several white haired old men huddled behind what looked like a large brown desk, complete with a large American flag and stern faces!

    My heart jumped at the thought of my boy aspiring to be a Senator or even a Supreme Court Judge !

    After sharing my findings with the wife , it turns out the picture was his little rendition of Emanuel Leutze 1851 painting of George Washington’s crossing of the Delaware and that he actually wants to be famous artist when he grows up !

    I’ll tell you old boy , I won’t put up with this drivel !

    I know for a fact , most famous artist don’t start making real money until well after they’re dead !

    If the boy thinks he is going to sponge off his old man until well after he is dead , then he’s in for a rude awakening !

    As you can tell , this is a very dark time for me , I can’t decide whether to lie in darkened room until the boy is old enough to be shipped off to boarding school or simply drink myself to death !

    I have already sent the boy’s crayons off to be tested for lead by-products , until I get the lab results back , I can only wish you the best and I don’t blame you if you feel the need for a double rye and quick nap after reading this……~David

    • 12:20 am

      David,

      You’ll need to work quickly to get that boy back in line or he could end up cheroot-smoking, beret-wearing, communist-leaning abstract somethingorother using strange words like chiaroscuro, postmodernism and personal fulfillment. All dangerous notions and of that you can be assured.

      Still, all is not lost. If the boy is demonstrating artistic tendencies you can always encourage him to investigate a career as a house painter or city planner. Both are reasonably respectable careers which pay modestly well and allow for some small measure of personal expression.

      In the interim, you’re right to confiscate his crayons and double his chores.

      Good luck and my best wishes to the family.

      Don

      • Shafali permalink
        9:08 am

        …or an architect…or even a graphic designer?

        (Mr. Henderson, you could collect the biographies of the unsuccessful painters such as Van Gogh – have them spiral-bound and gift them to him on his birthday! Or bring him to my blog – he will understand that if he wants to draw, he should learn to draw for a smile – because that’s all I earn from my caricatures:)

        All the best to all of you.

        Regards,
        Shafali

        • david permalink
          5:11 am

          Shafali,

          an architect or graphic designer sounds like fine carrers…as long as it involves a paycheck that is! I would love to point him to your blog , however ,I can’t get to it my self…a link would most appreciated .

          thank you ,……..~David

      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        9:06 pm

        Oh no, you people don’t like us artist types. I’m in trouble then. Mind you can do manual labor and mix drinks, but I prefer painting and writing. What’s wrong with us artists. I full intend to get a “Real Job” as a bartender as I am apperentily quite entertaining to talk to and can make damn good drinks.

        Don I’m offended. We artists contribute to society!
        Next your going to say us Wiccan/Neo-pagan types aren;t to be tolerated.
        You;re turning into a regular old bigot!
        If I talked like that my old Pops would beat me with a walking stick.

        • david permalink
          5:40 am

          YellowRose610,

          I have only one complaint against the artist/bar tender types, and that is only directed at the wise ass who decided to add a colorful umbrella and charge 8 dollars for a mixed drink !

          After several trips to the emergency room to remove said ” umbrella” from one’s nose , I tend to look down at anyone attempting to add their own artistic inclination to anything envolving alcohol.

          a link to your blog would be most appreciated.

          regards,
          ~David

          • YellowRoses610 permalink
            9:56 pm

            I only do paints and thus far they are not good enough to post. Once I get my rants up on live journal I’ll post a link though.

            And yes drinks are over priced. I swear it;s not my fault

            • 3:33 am

              YellowRoses610,

              beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

              while I understand ” I only do paints and thus far they are not good enough to post”…I feel the need to to disagree..if you visit my blog and read my ” stories ” I am sure you can find a million mistakes and reasons I should not attempt to be a humorist or too even write for that matter !

              still, I have friends like Don who encourage me to put everything on the line ( wether he realizes it or not ) and post my attempts at humor.

              I assure you , your work will be enjoyed by all….time to take a leap of faith…I await your link…~David

    • Ian permalink
      9:15 pm

      Too bad you don’t know a single thing about being a parent and learning how to support your kid’s talent. Thanks to you he’s going to grow up and be an idiot like his father.

  41. Tasneem R permalink
    10:27 am

    Hi..Goodness ! I read the whole stuff but what surprised is 96 comments!! You have got a real good following . Well old people were sometime young and they also might have made the same mistakes like the young one’s of today .
    Test Your Self-esteem
    Put your self-esteem and will power to test.
    http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/tests/selfesteem_test/selfesteem_test_instructions.asp

    • 1:09 am

      Many thanks Tasneem,

      Nice to hear from you again.

      I admit that I made a few mistakes as a lad but I can assure you they weren’t the same ones young people are making today. I stole a few apples from a neighbors tree, smoked a cigarette in 6th grade and once pretended to have a stomach ache to get out of going to church.

      I certainly take bathroom pharmaceuticals, tell me father to “”F” himself, get my cousin pregnant and then punch a hole the size of silver dollar in my ear go spend a night dancing with a pacifier in my mouth and a glow stick in my hand.

      Thanks for visiting and all the best,

      Don

      • Tasneem R permalink
        10:25 am

        Yeah haha!Well I know young people belonging to rich families have spoiled themselves by indulging in such activities .

  42. Naru permalink
    2:57 pm

    I’m a young person. I sit up straight and my 17 year old sister is just as good at baking as our mother. I am a part of an academic club which means I must be able to write well written, assertive letters (or rather, emails). Plus I have a dog as a pet. I’m 19.

    I also teach my 80 year old grandfather how to use his computer, mobile phone and DVD player. I can also stay on my feet all day at work and then go out at night with my friends. I can wake up the next day and still function well. I don’t have any interest in playing lawn bowls, but if I did then I’d probably be decent at it (with a bit of practise).

    I’ve also heard of a guy in England who is the mayor of his town at 18 years old.

    • 1:14 am

      Many thanks Naru,

      Clearly, you are the exception that proves the rule. You sound like a very decent young person and I’m pleased to make your acquaintance.

      Personally, I’d suggest you consider taking up lawn bowls. It’s a Hell of a lot of fun and a very good way to meet other decent folks like yourself.

      All the best,

      Don

      p.s. Good on you for spending time with your grandfather and for helping him out with his eletronics. I’m sure he appreciates it.

    • Ian permalink
      9:32 pm

      Naru. Please don’t ever comment, again. You sound like a pompous ass who fails miserably in society. Teaching your grandfather how to use technology is not something to be proud about. If you really want to be proud of something, go out there and die for a cause.

  43. Lynn permalink
    3:16 pm

    i love looking seeing the world through your eyes don! the scarecrow remark really cracked me up!

    • 1:20 am

      Thank you Lynn,

      I often find the view to be strained and more than a little on the blurry side. Even with my (relatively) new glasses. Still, it’s very kind of you to say.

      I hope you’re keeping well. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you, Lynn.

      All the best

      Don

  44. 11:38 pm

    ROFLMBO! Blogs don’t get any better than yours🙂

    • 1:15 am

      Many thanks Sherri,

      That was good fun. Thank you for that!

      Nice of you to stop in. Always nice to hear from you.

      Don

  45. Cecilia permalink
    11:37 am

    I really had a lot of fun with this post… I believe there are plenty of things, simple things, that seniors can do better than young people today. For example:

    1. speak;
    2. write;
    3. walk properly;
    4. spend money properly;
    5. behave in movie theaters, subway trains and buses;
    6. select good music to listen;
    7. understand what people say,

    and so on.

    Um grande abraço pra você, Don.

    • 11:38 pm

      Many thanks Cecilia,

      I appreciate your adding to my list. I am always especially troubled by the behavior of young people on our public transit. On occasion I take my local bus and am always horrified to see these damned young people spread out across seats, slouching over, tossing litter, spitting, swearing, intimidating seniors and generally carrying on like a marauding gang of circus clowns.

      I’ve been half tempted to ask them if they would behave that way in their parent’s cars but I’m quite sure that the answer would be a resounding “Yes.”

      It’ s sempre um prazer mandá-lo visitar.

      Best regards,

      Don

  46. 12:21 pm

    Don,

    The other day I asked Arthur to take a hollerith to his sister. He asked me? What is wrong with her?

    You know what a hollerith is, right?
    😛

    Como você está, amigão?

    Ivan.

    • 11:43 pm

      Nice to hear from you Ivan,

      I have to admit that I spent 10 minutes looking for the “what’s a henweigh” type joke before finally breaking down and looking the word hollerith up.

      você mantem-me em meus dedos do pé Ivan. Todo o melhor.

      Don

    • Ian permalink
      9:51 pm

      Ivan. Using 17th century lingo does not make you smart. Now you know why you failed all those past job interviews. But hey! Now you are old and it seems more appropriate for you to use that kind of vocabulary at your local market (or blog.)

  47. 3:57 pm

    When the pope in 1032 was a teenager; teenager WAS old.

    • 11:44 pm

      Thank you Xup,

      I agree completely. I believe he may have been 12 or 13 which, if not old, would certainly qualift as middle aged.

      Nice to hear from you.

      All the best,

      Don

    • Ian permalink
      9:36 pm

      Then judging by your picture, you must be recycled dust.

  48. 6:09 pm

    Now Don, you can club or pelt rats, but I know people who love their pet ferrits and other varieties of odd pets. People can really get lots of emotional support having them in their lives. Plus pets give a person somewhere to express caring and love, especially important for crabby old farts who live alone.

    I think our pets, particularly dogs, cats and some bunnies, are morally superior than we humans. Why? Because they do not wait and think about it before rushing in to save humans. Dogs will jump into freezing water, crawl out on a lake’s thin ice, run through smoke and fire. Cats will leap claws-out and dig into the backs of home-intruders and recently, I watched video of a little 9-pound Colorado cat scare off a 800-pound bear. Then there’s the bunny who kept scratching at its owners’ bedroom door to wake them as their house burned around them. And I’ll just bet that somewhere, someone has a heroic ferrit story.

    Interestly, we human beings aren’t quite as quick to act as our pets. Ethic Soup reports that a recent poll found 65 perent of women, compared to 50 percent of men, say that they are likely to peform CPR on their pets — including mouth-to-muzzle resusitation:

    http://www.ethicsoup.com/2010/02/pet-owners-willing-to-give-mouthtomouth-more-women-give-pets-cpr.html

    This reminds me of something these damn teenagers refuse to do — they’re often so self-involved that they forget to take care of their own pets. The fidos of the world would starve or die of thirst if it weren’t for Mom and Dad. During a child’s life-at-home with the parents, how many times has a parent hollared “Have you fed Herbert?” I don’t even want to get into walking good old Herbert.

    • 12:16 am

      Many thanks Sharon.

      That’s very interesting. My wee dachshund was ferociously loyal and there is no doubt in my mind that he would have happily torn the ankles off a bear if he thought it had bad intentions toward me or my wife Aggie.

      And while you make a good argument and I suppose that someone may find a ferret comforting, I still don’t believe they are a sensible pet (or likely to be particularly heroic). I may be wrong on this, but I don’t think so.

      And, true story, I worked with a lad years ago named Barry Goff and he once performed mouth to mouth on a Chihuahua. And it wasn’t even his. He stopped his car when he saw a woman leaning over a small dog and yelling for help. He leaped out, rushed over and saved the dogs life by giving it mouth to mouth. I never asked how he knew to do that over give it the Heimlich manoeuvre and put a splint on its leg but I swear on my life he did it – and he saved that dogs life.

      Many thanks for visiting.

      Don

    • Ian permalink
      9:46 pm

      Yeah. Pets are really good replacements for deceased partners. Obviously you are/were a horrible mother if you had to tell your kid to walk the damn dog. You spoiled the shit out of your kid and it’s probably too late now.

      You know why animals scratch at your bedroom door when the house is on fire? Because they don’t know how to turn knobs and they definitely do not want to die with their brainless owner. If they knew the mechanics of a door knob, they’d be the fuck out of there before you wake up smelling your own burnt flesh.

      Us humans think twice before taking action. Someone of my age should not explain the rest to someone of your age but if you’re that stumped, just ask good ole’ don! (Think twice before you ask.)

  49. Avery Ant permalink
    8:49 pm

    Watch it, bub. I’m everywhere too.

    • York Mills permalink
      8:53 pm

      Hee hee!

      • Elgin Mills permalink
        8:54 pm

        Stop giggling like an idiot, York!

        That’s a blasted order.

        Don. Do something. Now.

        • 8:56 pm

          What the Hell’s going on here?

          Don, your family is out of control!

        • YellowRoses610 permalink
          9:22 pm

          Hello Sir,I’m not sure we have met.
          My name is Rose. and I haunt this forum becasue your brother Don had rather interesting insights, unlike York,who damn near killed me with a car.

  50. 10:26 pm

    37. And the section on baking is true. I confess.

    • 12:19 am

      Many thanks Jessica.

      Are you saying the rest is false? Because I researched that Pope thing for a good ten minutes and stand by my claims. If you have evidence to prove me wrong on that, or any other point, I’ll accept hard evidence only.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 4:04 am

        Sorry, I got distracted. I was texting and baking. I am not sure of the rest because I quit reading it halfway through. You know, because of the baking.

  51. 1:39 pm

    I had almost reached the bottom of this dialogue, had my halfpennyworth to add when, out fo the blue, the whole Mills Tribe and AA and AT appeared. Is this a first, all in one place on the same day?

  52. 4:13 pm

    Hmmm.

    A feel slightly the outcast on this one. ‘Spell Checker’ has always been a vital tool for me, not on account of indolence but more to do with being born with a propensity for calamitous grammatical blunders.

    Playing Wii games until the small hours of the morning is another of my many small pleasures. I’m sure at 31 I don’t qualify as the youth of today, but perhaps one or two of my maladies leave me in something of a state of pergatory?

    Who knows?.

    Perhaps from now on I’ll leave comments like this:

    “gd post don i can c wat ur tryin 2 say bout youngstas, but u iz n old twat so fck off”

    • 12:22 am

      Nice to hear from you Jay-Jay,

      A new, subdued look for you I see. I like it. I can relate to the calamitous grammatical blunders. Mine have been pointed out on numerous occasions (another word I always spell wrong). I don’t object to spell check entirely, but it’s no way to learn.

      And I think I must be spending far too much time reading comments from damned young people. I was able to translate your last “sentence” with no trouble at all. There was a time when I would have puzzled over that for a good hour.

      Many thanks Jay-Jay.

      All the best,

      Don

  53. 1:16 am

    In one of life’s little ironies, my new ‘subdued’ look that you like is actually taken from that oh-so hooliganish pursuit of god damned teenagers in Bristol – graffiti.

    Well, ‘street art’ which is another thing I’m a fan of.

    I feel a backlash headed my way any second now…

    • 1:31 am

      I’m quite put out by this Jay-Jay,

      Here I thought you’d put a nice wee astronaut on as your avatar and now you go and tell me that it’s nothing but the product of some shifty young criminal toting a bag full of aerosol paint cans.

      They think they’re damned clever with their chunky letters and unreadable “tags” but no one at the seniors centre found it very amusing when they spray painted the words “Reserved Parking for the Grim Reaper” on the parking lot wall. Junie Henderson damned near had a stroke when she pulled her Oldsmobile into her usual spot and saw that. It took a half bottle of gin just to get her to stop hyperventilating.

      Damned kids

      All the best,

      Don

  54. Harmony permalink
    12:32 pm

    Finally a bit of sanity in the blogging world. And for that I thank you Mr. Mills. It sets my teeth on edge when I think of all the lily-livered pap that is foisted off on us by this pathetic younger generation. Your doing God’s work Don. I await your next post with great eagerness.

    • 12:06 am

      Harmony!

      It’s been a long time. I hope you’re keeping well.

      I share your frustration about the lily-livered pap. I hate all pap be it lily-livered, rose-bladdered, or tulip-spleened.

      Many thanks for visiting. Did you have your hair done? It looks lovely.

      All the best,

      Don

  55. Shafali permalink
    11:08 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    It’s been a busy week for me – so between packing wrong things into wrong cartons with wrong labels (how I wish you with you impeccable organizational skills were overseeing my packing project,) I managed to sketch Ms. Julia Roberts with Mrs. and Mr. Mouse – but I need to add the details and make them presentable before you meet them! Mr. Clooney is scratching his chin in some faraway recess of my mind! I hope to draw his caricature sometime next week.

    Thanks for the clue on Mr. Clooney’s pedigree. I checked it out on Wikipedia. And yes, you are welcome to inspire me:-)

    Warm Regards,
    Shafali

  56. 2:58 pm

    Mr Mills

    You infortunetley will not get any argument out of me..on the anything you can do I can do as well argument….its just sad that you cannt snowboard I am sure Donald Mills at the Vancouver games would be most entertaining…..zman sends

  57. 2:15 am

    Don;
    My Father-in-Law, the Funniest Man Alive, is an avid curler. I’m always encouraging him to try harder at the sport especially now that the Winter Olypmics include the game. It would be great to have an Olympian in the family and he’s just the one to do it at a young 71. You can spot the Curlers during the Opening Ceremonies; in the long procession of nublie youths, they are the ones with the grey hair, potbellies, stiff knees and that glint of ‘dangerous’ in their eyes. Crack stones with my FIL and you will respect age, wisdom, skill and plain old fashioned learnin’.

  58. Emily permalink
    8:55 pm

    Really?? Well let me tell you something Mr. Mills.. Firstly, I have never said anything in all my 16 years of life about old people being useless. BUT if old people like you keep on going on about how useless young people are, I’m pretty sure you deserve it because you’re a LOT more useless than us. For example, pollution. Need I say more?! You decided to use coal power, pollute the entire world and leave US to deal with it..not really fair is it? I don’t know what the US. senate is because I don’t live in the US but I doubt it’s that important. There is a lot of young people out there fighting in the army to risk their lives for you so I think you ought to be a teeny bit more grateful for that. Sit up straight? Why on earth do you even care about that?! I know plenty of young people who sit up straight and I also know a fair few old people who can’t so that is a HUGE generalisation and I think you need to get off your lazy a** and meet some young people… Lawn bowling? We young people call it boules/bowls but yes we STILL play it!! I have them in my shed and I very often get them out and play them in my garden with my friend soo…wrong again my friend😉 “If it involves anything more complicated then combining cake mix with cannabis and then stuffing it in an Easy Bake oven, they’d burn the house down.” I heard only a third of 15-25 year olds have tried drugs in their lives which leaves about 2% who smoke it regularly so again, MASSIVE generalisation. If you don’t want us to generalise against you by calling you grumpy wrinkly old men who have nothing better to do than complain about the younger generation, I’d say you’re going the wrong way about it…. Plus I do ALL the cooking in my house, anything you want cooking, i’ll do it NO PROBLEMO and i doubt you can say the same for yourself so again, YOUR WRONG. And if you think that it’s a women’s job to cook then you are once again WRONG, most of today’s famous chefs are male so IN YOUR FACE!!! Mental maths? Easy peasy lemon squeezy, as it is for most people in my school, therefore I don’t think you have the right to say that seeing as I doubt you have much experience of younger people as if you did, your experiences would probably be very different. We can’t write a letter of complaint can we? what do you call this?! I could write more formal/gramatically correct if I wanted to but to be frank, I don’t think you DESERVE IT. The reason they don’t let us be pope is because of PURE HARD DISCRIMINATION. I think you have the right to say that when we have a teenage pope and they fail (ie. never, I personally think a teenage pope would be a great improvement). Appropriate pets? hardly ANYONE has a pet snake/rat these days, you are clearly very very deluded. And that’s animal cruelty, which in my opinion makes you a tosser and in God’s opinion makes you a sinner. So it’s a bit of a lose-lose situation I’m afraid. unless you turn nice, donate all your money to charity and stop moaning about younger people without any basis for your argument. Oh and by the way, I hear you don’t think young people have any ambition. well SUCK ON THIS. I’m planning to be prime minister, and no grumpy old sod is going to get in my way🙂 And if you don’t stop being so crabby, we can see how smug you are when i cut your pension..
    Have a nice life (not)
    Emily

    • 6:52 pm

      Many thanks Emily.

      That’s quite the wide-ranging and fascinating comment. I was planning a lengthy response and point by point rebuttal but have decided instead just to thank you for your views and for sharing them with me.

      All the best,

      Don

      p.s. The U.S. Senate is Boy Band from Washington. Think New Kids on the Block crossed with Motley Crue. I’m not surprised you haven’t heard of them – they haven’t had a hit in years. Good luck in your quest to become Prime Minister of England.

  59. Iejir2127 permalink
    4:28 am

    Hello again Mr Mills,

    I just wanted to state that I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard just in reading the word foppery. Thank you very much for brightening my day. I appriciate it.

    Have a wonderful day,
    Iejir2127

    • Iejir2127 permalink
      4:58 am

      And now for the disagreeing part,

      I know that within my circle of friends at least, three things are inaccurate.
      1. I’m a pretty good baker. I haven’t mastered pie crust yet but they still usually taste great, they just don’t look great.
      2. I’m great at math. I’m in an 11th grade math course in 9th grade and I can get through entire complex problems without a pen, paper, or a calculator unless you count writing down the answer.
      3. I am articulate enough to write a letter of complaint and have done so in multiple languages. I am not a master at it, however, because I am not comfortable using words like “road apples”, “balderdash”, “hooey”, and “gumtion” liberally. I must admit that as a young person, these phases are before my time and I am unaware of what two of them even mean.
      4. I do agree with you on the subject of pets though I only have dogs and cats.
      One thing I will admit to is posture. My posture is horrible. But in my defense, as flimsy and pathetic as it might be, with all my honors classes and school work my twenty pound bookbag (please take note of the fact that I’m not exaggerating) weighs me down so much that it’s just easier to walk while your back is curved slightly. Most people have bad posture but have no legitimate reason behind it. I have a reason.

      As a whole you are definitely spot on with your generalizations but some of your points are less accurate than others.

      I always enjoy your blogs and I will continue reading them in the future.
      Have a wonderful day Mr. Mills,
      Iejir2127

  60. Teen Guy permalink
    4:32 am

    As a teen myself, I found your rant hilarious and saddening. It is true, many of my number are a bunch of knuckle-dragging buffoons, but not all of us suffer from such conditions. I don’t hit the bong nightly, and actually do some positive work. I help out my parents, am Student Body President, and have a 95% average. My point is, not all of us suck. Promise.

    Teen Guy (Because there are very few people named what I am named, and I enjoy anonymity)

  61. Ian permalink
    8:57 pm

    You’re all dead weight after the age of 55. Luckily for you old folks, we’ve made the internet more accessible so that you have something to do before you become part of the ocean. These are fast times and you guys are way too slow in so many aspects. If you really want to be useful, go donate all your money to some charitable organization before you pollute our soil. Have a nice afterlife.

    • 10:53 pm

      Many thanks Ian,

      Jesus Christ, son, that’s a Hell of a lot of comments. Must be that ‘super speed” you’re capable of. Well done. In fact, you’re rather like a supercomputer – quick, precise, humorless and capable of performing multiple tasks at once.

      Honestly though, Ian, you’re quite the serious-minded and intense young man aren’t you? Are you in one of those rock and roll bands that dye their hair black and wear eyeliner and sing songs about despair, depression and how cruel the world is? Because you should be, son. You have the knack and a great way with words. You could call your first album “Pollute the Soil” and it could be all about recycled dust, man’s inhumanity to man and how totally lame your parents are. You’ll have the school girls swooning in no time.

      You’re obviously a bright kid, Ian, and I wish you luck. If I could offer any advice, though, it would be to stop being such a pompous ass and lighten up a little bit. The teeny bopper girls may like a dark and pensive boy but everyone else just finds him tiring.

      All the best and thanks for stopping.

      Best regards,

      Don

  62. Ian permalink
    7:26 am

    Thanks for posting my comments up, Don!

    Unfortunately I’m past my teen years. I just like putting up a good argument. There’s nothing better to do in the office when clients aren’t getting back to you and we’re forced to stay the hours. I do agree. I am a pompous ass at times, but that’s just who I am. Your description of me is a bit off. Here are the fillers. I am 23 years of age. My parents were always absent. I shared a small basement with a Vietnam veteran. I took a greyhound (with a little over 750 dollars in my pocket) headed to the big apple. I didn’t know a single soul when I stepped off that bus. I didn’t bring anything but a bag of clothes and my ambition to live the “American Dream.” After spending a few months working in the back of a photo store, I landed a copy writing job. I worked long hours with dedication and here I am. Fifty percent of the youths in America waste their time with meaningless leisure. The other fifty percent don’t have the leisure to do those meaningless things. I hope you know a lot of us young folks use to/still bleed for $7.50 an hour. The world can not revolve at the pace it does without this sort of equilibrium. You and I stand on this earth with and for a purpose. We started off on a bad foot but hopefully we’ll end on a good one. As the late JFK once said, “Change is the law of life.” Although I’m still a little angry that I can not get my hands on those H. Upmann Petits thanks to him. I have to admit one thing. You had me reading your entry and replying to comments.

    Best of Luck,

    Ian

  63. 9:18 pm

    jhxdfgyusdkhnnngvx

  64. Ste permalink
    5:22 pm

    Wow.

    I Didn’t know what a load of stereotypical shite goes on down here. It may be me (well, is me) but I feel there is more to learning life skills from old people than being moaning, racist biggots that they are today. At first I saw this article I thought it was a troll.

    • 10:54 pm

      Many thanks Ste,

      Wow indeed. Here’s something you might look into learning from an old person – how to write a damned coherent paragraph.

      I hate to pick or lecture but I really can’t get past that second sentence of yours. I’m no English teacher and I make my fair share of mistakes but, honestly, it’s a damned atrocity.

      “I feel there is more to learning life skills from old people than being moaning, racist biggots that they are today.”

      I understand what you’re trying to say, lad, but read that over closely a couple of times and then ask yourself if it clearly conveys your thoughts. Does it make sense to you? Honestly. I want to know what you think. It may be me (okay, it is me) but how do you expect anyone to take anything you have to say seriously if you can’t put 50 words on a page in a clear and concise manner?

      This site may be nothing but stereotypical shite but it seems to be you’re not helping to dispel any of it.

      My apologies for the humorless reply but sometimes you damned young people just get up my nose.

      All the best Ste.

      Don

  65. 3:24 am

    When I was Three years old, I wanted to be Pope. My dream will never come true.

  66. mawgwat permalink
    7:57 pm

    I haven’t read everything yet, but I intend to. I like your attitude. I was feeling pretty low and usless. Don’t seem to fit in with my family anyomre. They kind give me the feeling like I’m old and stupid now. I roamed around on the web trying to find something to make me feel better about myself. Went to religion, all that showed me was how messed uo religion is, they can;t even agree amongst each other. They do not reflect there Roll Model. Sad. Then I plugged in my search engine, What are old people good for. And you came up! Another thing young people can never do is look back to the 71 years of life. They lack the experience we learn by living. Today they’ve lost respect and compassion for the elderly. They believe they will never be like us. What stupidity! And to think, we were once there too.! God bless you Don.

  67. mawgwat permalink
    8:00 pm

    Sorry about my spelling. Don’t sleep well and am in pain everyday. Just took half a pain pill.

  68. Elifrit permalink
    8:55 pm

    I tend to agree that old people are more real than young people, first from surviving childhood, then by overcoming it, every older folk I know has so much to tell and their lives are amazing. we younger people have it so much easier it seems worthless.

  69. Anonymous permalink
    1:36 am

    fuck the police

  70. Rjay permalink
    12:17 pm

    All you old dumbass people are fucking stupid.. You guys talk about how young people are to lazy to do hard work.. Well you don’t do hard work either, you guys were talking about what you guys did when you were young.. But now you old, weak, stupid, unadaptive, pricks, can’t do shit in today’s technology world

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