Damned Young People Should Fear for their Brains!
My personal support worker, Hattie, is getting concerned about me losing track of small household items.
Like most people under 50, she immediately jumps to the conclusion that any senior who occasionally misplaces a pair of spectacles is experiencing some form of age-related dementia.
(The fact that she forgets she’s a paid employee and helps herself to my rye, sandwich meat and digestive biscuits does not, apparently, send up any flags about her own damned state of mind.)
Regardless, in order to appease her, I’ve taken the Alzheimers early warning test and come to the conclusion that while I’m fit as a fiddle and ready to play, young people today may have reason to be very seriously concerned.
Q1: Are you demonstrating poor judgment?
Sure, I watched an episode of “Dancing with the Stars” once but only because I assumed it was a Fred Astaire special and not some collection of motley has-beens lumbering around like injured circus bears.
It was a mistake but I’ve forgiven myself.
And it’s nowhere near as questionable as young people tattooing their scrotums and posting videos of themselves dancing around with lightsabres on youtube. Now that’s a demonstration of damned poor judgment. And stupid as Hell, too.
Q2: Do you experience behavior and mood changes?
I’ve been pissed off since 1971. My mood soured the day the Ed Sullivan Show was cancelled and hasn’t improved much in since.
Young people, on the other hand, seem to fluctuate rapidly between mania, depression, sullen indifference, bratty sulkiness, bouts of self-importance, violent anger and stifling stretches of profound boredom.
And that’s all before they haul their asses out of bed.
Q3: Do you routinely lose or misplace items?
I spend perhaps 20 minutes a day trying to locate my coffee cup, house keys and reading glasses. I view it as amateur sleuthing – I retrace my steps, use logical deduction and vigorously interrogate Hattie and other suspicious houseguests to rule out potential theft. Far from being a problem, I believe it’s keeping me wily and mentally agile.
Compare this to the fact that today’s average young person can’t locate their shoes, text books or breakfast cereal without repeated adult intervention and/or a global positioning system.
Q4: Is language becoming a problem?
I may not be able to use “Fo Shizzle” in its proper context but I can still have no problem cussing out the damned teenagers swapping spit on my front lawn.
The same young people, however, seem to communicate entirely through a series of whiney moans, incomprehensible grunts, excessive profanity and an unacceptable reliance on use of the words “like” and “dude.”
Q5: Do you experience unusual shifts in personality?
My generation doesn’t have personality – we have character. And no matter how many times you forget to wear trousers to church, character is for life. It doesn’t shift.
If you ask me, the damned young people have entirely too much personality and too little character. And that’s a dangerous recipe.
Q6: Do you experience disorientation of time and place?
Sure, sometimes I forget it’s garbage day or that the Piggly-Wiggly moved to a new location a couple of years back. Sue me, I’m a busy man.
At least I’m not staggering around like some gormless assclown who couldn’t name the state he lived in if his life depended on it and believes “I’ll do it in a minute” is an open ended concept that means sometime between now and the god damned end of time.
There are additional questions but I believe I’ve made my point and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mr. Don Mills is sharp as a tack; and that young people would be wise to start paying significantly greater attention to their grey matter.
Based on the results of this test, they could be in for some serious trouble further down the road.