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Damned Young People Should Fear for their Brains!

My personal support worker, Hattie, is getting concerned about me losing track of small household items.

Like most people under 50, she immediately jumps to the conclusion that any senior who occasionally misplaces a pair of spectacles is experiencing some form of age-related dementia.

(The fact that she forgets she’s a paid employee and helps herself to my rye, sandwich meat and digestive biscuits does not, apparently, send up any flags about her own damned state of mind.)

Regardless, in order to appease her, I’ve taken the Alzheimers early warning test and come to the conclusion that while I’m fit as a fiddle and ready to play, young people today may have reason to be very seriously concerned.

The test…

Q1: Are you demonstrating poor judgment?

Sure, I watched an episode of “Dancing with the Stars” once but only because I assumed it was a Fred Astaire special and not some collection of motley has-beens lumbering around like injured circus bears.

It was a mistake but I’ve forgiven myself.

And it’s nowhere near as questionable as young people tattooing their scrotums and posting videos of themselves dancing around with lightsabres on youtube. Now that’s a demonstration of damned poor judgment. And stupid as Hell, too.

Q2: Do you experience behavior and mood changes?

I’ve been pissed off since 1971. My mood soured the day the Ed Sullivan Show was cancelled and hasn’t improved much in since.

Young people, on the other hand, seem to fluctuate rapidly between mania, depression, sullen indifference, bratty sulkiness, bouts of self-importance, violent anger and stifling stretches of profound boredom.

And that’s all before they haul their asses out of bed.

Q3: Do you routinely lose or misplace items?

I spend perhaps 20 minutes a day trying to locate my coffee cup, house keys and reading glasses. I view it as amateur sleuthing – I retrace my steps, use logical deduction and vigorously interrogate Hattie and other suspicious houseguests to rule out potential theft. Far from being a problem, I believe it’s keeping me wily and mentally agile.

Compare this to the fact that today’s average young person can’t locate their shoes, text books or breakfast cereal without repeated adult intervention and/or a global positioning system.

Q4: Is language becoming a problem?

I may not be able to use “Fo Shizzle” in its proper context but I can still have no problem cussing out the damned teenagers swapping spit on my front lawn.

The same young people, however, seem to communicate entirely through a series of whiney moans, incomprehensible grunts, excessive profanity and an unacceptable reliance on use of the words “like” and “dude.”

Q5: Do you experience unusual shifts in personality?

My generation doesn’t have personality – we have character. And no matter how many times you forget to wear trousers to church, character is for life. It doesn’t shift.

If you ask me, the damned young people have entirely too much personality and too little character. And that’s a dangerous recipe.

Q6: Do you experience disorientation of time and place?

Sure, sometimes I forget it’s garbage day or that the Piggly-Wiggly moved to a new location a couple of years back. Sue me, I’m a busy man.

At least I’m not staggering around like some gormless assclown who couldn’t name the state he lived in if his life depended on it and believes “I’ll do it in a minute” is an open ended concept that means sometime between now and the god damned end of time.

There are additional questions but I believe I’ve made my point and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mr. Don Mills is sharp as a tack; and that young people would be wise to start paying significantly greater attention to their grey matter.

Based on the results of this test, they could be in for some serious trouble further down the road.

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145 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:07 am

    What are these “text books” you write about?

    • 12:30 am

      Well, morethananelectrician, I’m hoping that in your case it looks a little something like this:

      If it doesn’t look familiar, let me know. I rewired my bathroom based on your advice and I have to say I’m now getting a little bit nervous.

      All the best,


  2. 12:32 am

    I’m a little worried about Hattie. Between your rye and digestive biscuits, is she still able to perform her duties as your personal support worker? In fact, what are her duties? You seem to be faring better than she is.

    • 12:58 am

      Thanks for your concern Bmj2k,

      That’s a damned fine question about Hattie. According to the terms of our agreement, her duties are supposed to be providing me with some basic medical and support assistance as well as providing some light housekeeping.

      Truth be told, though, she seems to spend most of her time talking on my phone, lying on my couch or encouraging me to play Skip-bo for money. I’m down $6.35 this week alone.

      She has her faults but at least she’s quiet and, truth be told, I enjoy having her around.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,


  3. 12:38 am

    Don – you are a star – This is the most entertaining blog on the web and I am only a junior of 47yrs Keep up the good work

    • 12:59 am

      Welcome Mark,

      Many thanks for the kind words (even if they are coming from a pup of 47).

      All the best. I hope you hear from you again.


  4. 12:38 am

    Dear Don,

    I lasted a bit longer when it came to entertainment on the old black and white. My mood went to heck in a handbasket in 1982 when they canceled the weekly Lawrence Welk Show. I loved that “champagne music” and bubbles.

    Can bubbles make the youngsters happy anymore? The answer is “no,” because nothing less than the circus atmosphere will suffice today.

    As always your points are quite salient. Sorry about the rant.


    • 1:05 am

      Many thanks McNorman,

      No need to apologize for the rant – they’re always welcomed. And I suspect you are right about the bubbles. The damned young people tend to tune out unless there is ample and meaningless violence accompanied by a handful of scantily clad girls dancing on the hood of a car.

      I enjoyed the Lawrence Welk show as well. And it was one of Aggie’s favorites.

      All the best, McNorman, and thanks very much for visiting with me.


  5. 1:00 am

    Well Mister Mills, I totally agree with mcnorman about youngsters needing a circus atmosphere, but may I also propose to add insanely loud noise that passes for music, more pyrotechnics than a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, drug-addled clowns doing a drive-by with a mac-10 in their tiny chopped and pimped clown car, and a few sexual acts for good measure.

    Don’t foregt the funny beer commercials during intermission, just before another burned-out rock band forgets half the words to a sorry ass medley, blowing every single test for Alzheimers ever created by overpaid medical minds.

    Boy, do I miss those bubbles.

    You da bomb, Don. Thanks for another masterpiece!

    • 1:12 am

      Thanks very kindly Dan,

      I suspect mcnorman would agree with me when I say that I think you’ve captured the “circus atmopshere” perfectly. Quite the vivid description – I especially enjoyed the “tiny chopped and pimped clown car.”

      Many thanks Dan. Always nice to have you stop in.

      Best regards,


      • Lily Fossil permalink
        6:10 am

        You have got to love it! Feckless Assclowns in pimped clown cars on the circus merry-go-round, like gold fish in a bowl.

        • The Celtic Queen permalink
          11:10 am

          Lily speaking of fish, are you on to it yet?

  6. 1:43 am

    I think I’ve been pissed off since at least 1971 (the year I graduated from high school, a ceremony which I skipped on the grounds it was just another meaningless annoyance), and I am inferring that I am not nearly old enough to be Mr. Mills’ peer. So I think we can agree that this state of mind is merely a corollary of “If you’re not outraged you’re not paying attention.”

    • 3:13 am

      Many thanks Sledpress.

      I’d say 1971 was a good year to get pissed off. In addition to the loss of the Ed Sullivan show, the Senate approved an amendment lowering the voting age to 18, Ogden Nash died and Paul McCartney announced the formation of his group “Wings.”

      Not a year for celebration in my opinion.

      All the best,


  7. 2:30 am

    Ah, young people without gorm! And yet we let such get behind the wheel and drive. And vote. And dance.

    • 3:42 am

      Many thanks Joan,

      Personally I’d like to see them stripped of all those privileges (especially the damned dancing) and I can think of a few more as well. We could start with some firm but fair limitations on their ability to speak out loud…

      All the best,


  8. 2:34 am

    I know we all have our likes and dislikes, but I have to say that your selection of “Dancing With The Stars” as an example of poor judgement has thrown me for a loop. That show is one of my faves (and I don’t have many when it comes to television). I might consider giving you a free pass on this only if you tell me you enjoy “The Golden Girls”.

    • 3:50 am

      Many thanks Yorksnbeans,

      Not sure that whether I’ll get a free pass here or not but I have to be truthful. I couldn’t stomach the Golden Girls despite my high regard for both Bea Arthur and Betty White. The horny one I never liked…

      As for Dancing with the Stars, I’ll take you at your word that it’s a decent program. I only stumbled upon it the one time and could of sworn I saw someone who looked suspiciously like that Tom DeLay fellow doing something that looked like a cross between the cha cha and the heimlich manoeuvre. I damn near choked on my tuna fish sandwich. It was upsetting, damn it.

      Anyway, I trust your judgement, Yorksnbeans. Perhaps I’ll give it another try. Who knows, maybe they’ll get Betty White to dance.

      All the best,

      • 1:18 pm

        Good grief….that was the episode you saw! No wonder. I wouldn’t even watch the show while he was on. Free pass given!

      • 5:42 pm

        Oh Don, skip Dancing with the Stars and go straight to America’s Ballroom Challenge. Too bad it only comes once a year.

        • 4:20 pm

          ‘only comes once a year’…..

          Ooooh! The temptation to sink (further) into the world of smut is just too tempting!

  9. 2:54 am

    Whew Mr Mills, thank you for clearing up a few fears of mine. So I guess I am really just a crabby old fartess. Thank goodness. I have been shitty since 1977, when they canned Streets of San Francisco 😦 . I still have a signed photo of Karl Malden beside my bed!

    • 3:57 am

      Many thanks frigginloon,

      “crabby old fartess” has a decidedly pleasant ring about it but I’d stick with frigginloon – it suits you. That Karl Malden was a fine actor – a face like a sack hammers but he was damned fine in the Halls of Montezuma.

      All the best,


    • Lily Fossil permalink
      6:06 am

      Dear Ms Frigginloon,

      I have been giving this some thought and seeing as I am so much older than you I think I deserve the crabby old fartess title and you perhaps could have crabby old fartette. OK?

      • 1:09 pm

        Lily Fossil the title is all yours 🙂 I think I shall just stick with Friggin loon if you don’t mind 🙂

    • 7:14 am

      Yeah FL, especially since you’ve admitted to being a Karl Malden fan. Doesn’t this also mean you wear baby doll pyjamas, suck your thumb and sleep in a crib?

      (KM fans will know what I’m talking about 😉

  10. 3:15 am

    I’d be careful of that Hattie there Don. She is hoping to cash in on your sizeable pension. Once you begin to slip a little she is bound to have you sign over power of attorney to her. Then she and her drug addicted boyfriend will move into your house and there is nothing you will be able to do.

    • 2:24 pm

      Jesus Bearman,

      It almost sounds like you have an inside track on this whole nefarious business. Are you two in cahoots? Come to think of it, Hattie did mention a young man in her life who enjoy “sniffing sharpies” and “political doodling.” It all makes sense now. Buttering me up with the cartoon and the comments, all the while working my PSW for your own greedy good.

      I’m on to you Bearman. I’d suggest you watch your step – I’ll have my eye on you.

      Suspicious regards,


  11. 4:06 am


    More power to you, I tried taking that Alzheimers early warning test but kept losing my place.

    But as far as the young ones go, I don’t think not having two functional neurons to rub together is the same thing as losing cognitive powers that you once possessed.

    • 2:28 pm

      Many thanks Blue,

      I find that using a ruler and a highlighter helps me keep track. You might want to give it a try. Plus, you can always request the “test on tape.” Elaine Stritch did the reading and I think it turned out well.

      And an excellent point about never having had two functional neurons. I suppose it wasn’t a level playing field to begin with.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.


  12. 4:13 am

    Oh, my gosh. I’ve been in a bad mood one year longer than you have, since they cancelled Get Smart in 1970. I was just six years old, so it’s been a long ass bad mood of epic proportions. The remakes did nothing to alleviate any foul disposition of mine since they sucked.

    • 2:49 pm

      That’s an impressive run, Tricia.

      I thought my extended bad mood was a pretty good one but full credit to you for sticktoitiveness. Well done.

      And they’ll never be able to remake Get Smart properly unless they can unearth Don Adams and resign Buck Henry. Sadly, both possibilities are unlikely.

      All the best,


  13. 4:19 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    Whew! I’m so happy you posted this Alzheimer’s early warning test. I took it and I am relieved to know I’m in way better shape than some of these kids you speak of.

    I figure we just have so much more experience and knowledge in our brains that it just makes sense that once in a while we can get forgetful. They have nothing in that space in their craniums. As Mary Ellen told me in our sophomore year of high school before she got pregnant “empty barrels make the most noise.”

    I think you are as wily and mentally agile as they come! Keep up the good work.

    • 2:59 pm

      Many thanks Mrs. King,

      Always a pleasure to hear from you. You make an excellent point about the amount of wisdom, experience and general good old fashioned common sense we tote around with us.

      At some point, some minor details, family history or unimportant anniversaries are bound to get lost in the fray. All the damned young people store in their noggins are video game cheat codes, swear words, urls and lists of pizza toppings. It’s disgraceful.

      You keep up the fine work as well. Thanks for visiting.

      Best regards,


  14. 5:47 am

    My kids are always trying to tell me I’m senile.

    So what if I forgot how old I was and went into a deep depression thinking I had lost 2 years of my life. Imagine how good I felt when I got those two years back, unused and free of regret.

    And it doesn’t mean I’m senile just because I forgot I opened a second paypal account and raised hell with two paypal telephone agents today because someone was using my credit card. I’m just keeping them on their toes.

    I’d raise hell with my kids too, but they are the ones picking out my nursing home.

    • 3:40 pm

      Many thanks yellowcat,

      Nothing wrong with forgetting how old you are. Once you get to a certain age just being able to pick your decade is considerable reasonable. Somewhere in my 80s is the best I can do on most days and more than most people need to know.

      As for your nursing home, I’d strongly suggest that you consider making those arrangements yourself. I’m a firm believer in arranging your own care requirements, funeral arrangements, writing your own obituary and generally leaving very little to chance and NOTHING to the care of relatives.

      I’ll be posting some tips on obituary writing soon. With your permission, I may add some details on selecting an appropriate nursing home.

      All the best.


  15. Lily Fossil permalink
    6:03 am

    Dear Donald,

    Several years ago I made an appointment to visit the Alzheimers Clinic for the very test of which you speak, but of course I forgot to go and by the time I did remember (about a month later) I was most indignant that they didn’t at least ring me to remind me. So I never bothered to go back.

    I figure, if I can remember to check you blog, then I am doing ok.

    I have to say that the older I become, the more pissed off I get.

    Just today, I went to the Hardware store to buy eight tomato stakes (for my tomatoes, obviously).
    Upon returning home with them, I noticed that neither end had been shaved to a point, which pretty much makes them damned near impossible to drive into the ground. (I hope you are still with me on this.)

    So what the bloody Dickens am I to do with them now?

    I have decided to go back tomorrow and buy a very sharp brand new tomahawk, is what and demand that the asshat (young person) put a point on each stake. At least I will have a tomahawk (WMD) for future use.

    Sorry, end of rant
    But goodness it makes me cranky.


    • 3:41 pm

      Many thanks Lily,

      What the Hell kind of slipshod Alzheimers Clinic books appointments with people and then doesn’t even call to provide a reminder. It’s like they damned well want you to fail. I suspect they work on commission and get an extra 50 cents in their pay packet for every senior they manage to railroad into dementia.

      And as for the tomato stakes, that’s outrageous. What the Hell good is a blunt tomato stake? No one takes any damned pride in their work anymore. I think your strategy is an excellent one. (And every senior should carry a tomahawk anyway).

      Demand they sharpen your stakes or tell them they can jam the blunt ends where the sun doesn’t shine.

      Good luck and don’t take any guff, back talk or crap. Let me know how it works out.

      All the best,


      • jammer5 permalink
        5:44 pm

        I believe the current trend in selling unsharpened tomato stakes is teens might either purchase or steal them, and in doing so, poke themselves in such places as: eyes, nose, mouth, and the aforementioned places where the sun don’t shine. Again it is the damn teens ruining it for us safer, and abundantly higher intelligenced, older generation.

    • YellowRoses610 permalink
      5:13 pm

      I don’t blame you. It’s common curtisy to have those things pointed. I’m tempted to give them a peice of my mind, and my fiencing sword.

  16. 6:16 am

    Mr Mills

    While I agree your age group takes up entirely to much space at the mall in the middle of the day..all the other stuff about the test is right on the money. Gotta tell you, taking that test I am a bit worried about my own mental health…i will just have to keep mentally sharp by reading…..your rant is first on my list for the week…keep um coming their donizzle mizzle zman sends for shizzle

    • 3:48 pm

      My God Zman,

      I may need to retake the test. I don’t recall mentioning anything about the mall in the middle of the day. But while we are on the subject, when the Hell would you like old people to shop? In the middle of the night? Are we to be forced into supermarkets at 3 a.m. and forced out again at dawn? I don’t like being out at night – it’s when young people gather to cause mischief and practice being morons.
      Anyone under 65 should be at work or school during the day. The mall should be a senior-only zone between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m.

      Anyway, sorry to hear that I’ve raised some concerns. Hopefully the reading will keep you sharp as a tack Zman. I rely on you to keep me on my toes and don’t want you going soft in the brain before your time.

      All the best, lad.


  17. 6:21 am

    I passed the test! Put out the rye glasses, Don I’m on the way over to celebrate.

    Q1 Poor judgement? Of course not, I read Mr Mills don’t I?
    Q2 Mood changes? Heck no, been sleepwalking since the day I was born.
    Q3 Lose stuff? No way. Well, OK it takes me all day to find things sometimes.
    Q4 Language? I understand everything the young say. It all means the same thing no matter how it sounds.
    Q5 Character? Of course I’m a character, dammit. Just don’t know what play.
    Q6 Time and place? I think I’m supposed to be meeting someone, somewhere today, or was that yesterday? I’ll go get my diary ‘in a minute’ and check.

    • 3:53 pm

      Many thanks Kate,

      And excellent answers to all of the questions. I especially like your answer to number 4 (though I’d be curious to see how a “clinical expert” might score that one).

      I’ll have the rye glasses ready. (Just remind me what we’re celebrating when you get here.)

      Best regards,


  18. Catherine permalink
    7:13 am

    In my working life, I perform a similar role to Hattie (minus the rye drinking) and I don’t think it is a sign of dementia when my clients forget something. Hell no! Most of them could forget more than these young assclowns will ever know and still be more interesting.

    • 4:21 pm

      I’m delighted to hear that, Catherine.

      And I don’t fault Hattie entirely – I like to believe she has my best interests at heart. And I fully suspect that the disreputable agency she works for has been brainwashing her to suspect all seniors are nothing but doddering old fools.

      Thanks for visiting and all the best,


  19. 8:08 am

    Funny post Don, that was like totally dope man, ya know.

    • 4:21 pm

      Thank you fundamental jelly.

      I strive for complete dopeness. It’s what I do.

      Best regards,


  20. 11:45 am

    I know that if I were grading that test of yours I’d give you an A plus. Or 100% cognizant. The difference between you and the god damned young ‘people’ is that you may forget things once in a while but it’s because you are a goal oriented individual. They couldn’t find their asses with two good hands, a flashlight and a clue. With them, it’s because of their drug addled, sex craving brain that is always searching out the next marijuana den, ecstasy pit or rock and roll inspired mosh pit/orgy hall.

    People like you and me only forget things occasionally because we are damn well thinking of our daily chores and responsibilities. Next time that Hattie comes calling put her on the phone to me, and I’ll straighten her right out. By the way, how old is she and what does she look like? – I just need to know for the sake of the ass reaming I’m going to give her….you understand.

    • 4:38 pm

      Many thanks Scott,

      I appreciate the passing grade and fully agree with your assessment of the damned young people and their preoccupation with all things nasty. I hadn’t realized that “orgy halls” were the latest affront to humanity but I can’t say I’m entirely shocked. It was really just a matter of time.

      I’m afraid I may have been unduly harsh on Hattie. She really doesn’t nag too much and does make a fair to decent tuna melt – and she helps keep my straight with my medication (Why the Hell can’t all pills be taken once a day on an empty stomach? Surely to God if we can put a man on the moon we can streamline our pharmaceuticals so that they can all be taken at the same time, in the same amount and with the same frequency).

      Still, if she persists, I’ll be happy to have to speak with her.

      I’m not entirely sure of her age but based on her ankles and style of hair I’d but her somewhere in the middle of 30-50 zone. She’s a handsome woman in a very plain sort of way. I often remark that she has a face like a t.v. dinner; all meat and potatoes, neatly compartmentalized and universally recognizable. She smiles when I say it but something tells me she doesn’t find it as flattering as I intend it to be.

      Hope your coccyx is on the mend.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.


  21. 2:03 pm


    I’d water down your rye bottle, and let Hattie drink from that.

    And hide the good stuff for yourself, when she’s not looking.

    • 5:09 pm

      Thank you Friar and Happy New Year.

      I caught Hattie nipping into the rye some time ago and after a stern talking to came to an agreement that she can help herself to a small glass at the end of her shift provided she sticks around for a game of scrabble.

      It seems to be a mutually beneficial arrangement. She enjoys a tipple and I like they way she sets me up for triple word scores.
      Plus, now that it’s out in the open, I’m not second guessing my own alcohol consumption.

      My biscuits, on the other hand, are not something I appreciate her dipping into.

      All the best Friar.


  22. 2:17 pm

    Good news–you rarely have to hear young people talk any more because they do it all with their thumbs, texting. We went to a neighborhood pub the other day and were amazed to see that all the young people there had cellphones laid out on the tables in front of them, like eating utensils. (which, of course, they didn’t need because they’re always eating nachos.) It was a weird sight–sometimes I’d look over and see everyone eat the table texting. Were they texting each other or someone in another location?

    Beats me.

    • 5:09 pm

      Thanks very much Merrilymarylee,

      I’ve seen the damned young people doing that. It’s damned disconcerting and more than a little robotic. I’m never sure who the Hell they’re communicating with but I’m always quite grateful that it’s not me.

      All the best.


  23. jammer5 permalink
    2:17 pm

    Damn glad you posted those questions here, Don. I was beginning to think I was in serious trouble. Like a week ago, I thought I forgot where I lived, only to remember I’d move three years ago. It was by pure deductive reasoning I finally figured it out: I looked at my drivers license.

    As for Hattie: Put them damn teen punks to good use. Hire one to taste everything Hattie prepares. If they die, no big loss (use the remains as lawn fertilizer), and you can then open that can of beanie wienies you’ve been saving for such occasions.

    • 5:16 pm

      Many thanks Jammer,

      An excellent demonstration of deductive logic and proof positive that you’re quick as a whip. I really should get one of those driver’s licenses – the police are always nagging me about it when they pull me over.

      And an excellent idea on the food tasters – as long as I don’t need to bring them into the house. I won’t tolerate young people at my kitchen table and if they are going to fall over dead would prefer they do it on the sidewalk so that it’s the town that’s responsible for cleaning them up.

      Happy New Year Jammer and thanks for visiting.


      • jammer5 permalink
        1:36 pm

        Enlisting them as they walk by, with the likelihood free food as an enticement, would be all that is necessary. Watching them walk for less than a block would be all you’d need to do. All done on public property.

  24. 2:18 pm

    Oops. Make that everyone AT the table.

    That’s not a sign of Alzheimer’s, is it?

    • 5:12 pm

      Personally, I wasn’t surprised by the notion of young people eating the tables. I’ve seen them gorging themselves at the food court and its not pretty.

  25. 5:37 pm

    Bring on the self-obit post; I really intend to do one, and take such revenge on the feckers left to read it!!


    • 5:58 pm

      Thanks Dave,

      I’m working on it. I consider obituary planning serious business and I’m not leaving the writing of mine to chance. The “honor” usually falls to either the relative who did the best in high school English or the one who draws the short straw.

      All the best,


  26. pienbiscuits permalink
    6:29 pm

    The young should indeed fear for their brains, Mr Mills. My additional thoughts to your original questions, sir:

    Q1: Are you demonstrating poor judgment?
    Watching a bad show is a private mistake. Posting your stupidity on YouTube is a public reckoning that only the young would grab with both hands.

    Q2: Do you experience behavior and mood changes?
    If you’re a woman, they call it PMT. Thank goodness I’m too old to bother with all that now.

    Q3: Do you routinely lose or misplace items?
    Without GPS, those young people wouldn’t be able to find themselves.

    Q4: Is language becoming a problem?
    I should say so. This is a particular problem in London where you’ll hear ‘innit’ and ‘You get me, blood,’ or it’s variant ‘You get me tho,’ on an obscenely regular basis.

    Q5: Do you experience unusual shifts in personality?
    Personality is the root of all evil. You go on a reality show and suddenly you’re a ‘personality.’ You’re damned right, Mr Mills. What the hell happened to character, with or without trousers?

    Q6: Do you experience disorientation of time and place?
    If the youth are fed on such nonsense as ‘Lost’ and Flash Forward,’ you shouldn’t be surprised they think a minute is the end of time. Or that Polar Bears come bounding from tropical forests.

    • 11:21 pm

      That is one damned fine comment, pienbiscuits.

      All of your additional thoughts are bang on in my estimation and very well presented. I particularly enjoyed the statement “posting your stupidity on YouTube is a public reckoning that only the young would grab with both hands.” Excellent!

      I have nothing to add other than my sincere thanks.

      All the best,


  27. 9:52 pm

    Don, I have a theory that our young “Feckless Assclowns in pimped clown cars on the circus merry-go-round, like gold fish in a bowl” have achieved their somewhat mindless status as a direct result of listening to rap, hip hop and other recent inventions designed to eliminate music.

    • 11:24 pm

      Many thanks Ron and welcome.

      I’m inclined to agree and have stated my case against the damned rap music and the hip hop hoologans that “sing” it on a number of occasions. God awful stuff indeed.

      Many thanks for stopping in Ron. Nice to meet you.


    • 1:44 am

      If by other recent inventions you mean AutoTune, then you are correct. This new-fangled gadget has been used so often to disguise poor quality voices in what passes for music these days that you don’t need to be able to sing anymore. Where’s Dean Martin when you need him?

  28. 12:06 am


    I think it’s safe to say that you don’t have Alzheimer’s. So what if your short-term memory is non-existent? That’s probably just because it’s boring as hell and not worth remembering anyway. It’s your long-term memory that matters, and the fact that you can recall every single caning you ever got from your stern (but fair) father, just proves that you’re still (mostly) cognizant.

    If anything, you probably just have a slight case of Frontotemporal Dementia. (It’s just as debilitating as Alzheimer’s, but it doesn’t have all that negative media associated with it.)

    I took the liberty of writing down some of the symptoms:

    -Inappropriate social behaviour

    -Lack of social tact

    -Lack of empathy

    -Agitation or blunted emotions

    -Neglect of personal hygiene

    -Repetitive or compulsive behaviour

    (Having never seen you in person, the only symptom I’m on the fence about is the personal hygiene one.)

    Anyway, Don, regardless of whatever geriatric disorder you have, it’s obvious from this post that you are still as sharp as ever. And remember, if push ever comes to broken hip and you need some support, I’ll be here for you (cyber-ly speaking, of course).

    Your CCF (Cyber Caregiver Forever),


    • 2:27 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled.

      As always, I appreciate your concern and support.

      This Frontotemporal Dementia you mention is damned interesting. While I had never heard of the clinical name, I believe I am familiar with the disease. In my day, however, didn’t call it Frontotemporal Dementia, we referred to it by its more common name of “God Damned Civil Behavior.” I can only assume it was renamed when Dr. Frontotemporal “discovered” it and labeled it as something different and evil.

      In my day a man we were proud of our blunted emotions and agitation. It kept our nation strong, our marriages tidy and our streets safe. Nowadays every time you flick on the television some moron is blubbering over something or screaming, wailing and gnashing their teeth. It’s unsightly, disturbing and sloppy as Hell.

      And we were supposed to lack social tact and empathy. Those traits were reserved for the ladies and we liked to keep our gender lines well drawn. Empathy in particular is troublesome and I’m glad to have steered well clear of it. It has the ring of communist mind control about it.

      We were equally proud of our repetitive behavior. We called it sticktoitiveness. I went to the same desk at the same office for the same company for 40 years doing the same job day in and day out and far from being a sign of mental illness – it was considered responsible, respectable and right.

      (On the personal hygiene front, I’ve always been fairly fastidious.)

      I can only imagine what might come next. Sexoloborial Madness? Characterized by faithfulness to one’s spouse, belief in the sanctity of marriage and a refusal to visit the local discount house of porn. Well sign me up for that one too damn it and send me off to the Pork and Beans room of the local funny farm.

      Now I’m all bluntly agitated and need to go lie down.

      Best regards.

      Your friend,


      • 8:17 pm

        You said it Don!

        (Although I have to admit tht personally, the thought of one day getting “Sexoloborial Madness” scares me something fierce.)

        ps. I’m delighted to hear that your personal hygiene hasn’t suffered.

  29. 12:18 am

    Good old Alzheimer’s! It’s like the acid trip you didn’t buy tickets for! And by tickets I mean small pieces of colorful paper that you lick like a stamp for an envelope you don’t even have!

    Poor judgment? Misplaced items? Disorientation of time and space?

    Sounds like an average Saturday night/Sunday morning to me! Why, just 3 or 4 hits spaced evenly, and you can ride out Rev. What’s-His-Melting-Face without the crushing boredom or overwhelming guilt.

    Perhaps LSD could be prescribed to treat Alzheimer’s patients. It couldn’t make anything any worse, I would think. Grandpa keep wandering into the neighbor’s jacuzzi wearing only his beloved graduation cap? Just give him a headful of acid, some construction paper and a handful of brightly-colored markers. He won’t leave the living room floor for hours.

    Mind you, there’s bound to be a whole lot of inappropriate giggling and unanswerable questions, but your loved ones will be safely indoors, unable to locate a door handle without a caretaker or helper monkey.

    Personally, I think you’re doing fine, Don. Anyone with full command of a melon baller and the word “assclown” has to be “mostly there.”

    • 3:05 pm

      Many thanks CLT,

      A deeply disturbing comment, young man. I’m not sure which I’m more afraid of – the notion of old people being pumped full of LSD and leaping off their front porches in an effort to “fly”, naked old men in stranger’s jacuzzis or those damned terrifying helper monkeys. It may be the monkeys.

      All in all, too troubling to consider.

      All the best.


      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        5:22 pm

        Don’t trust the helper monkeys. I’ve seen “Monkey shines.” Their shifty bastards, those helper monkeys.

  30. 1:06 am


    i just read your post, and…..oh, dammit, i forgot what i was going to say.

  31. Clifton L. Tanager permalink
    1:53 am

    Don –

    This kind of surprise quizzing takes me back. I remember taking tests like this back in my G.I. days. Our CO was always handing out papers and egg timers and No. 3 pencils (standard military issue – purchased for twice their value and manufactured locally by Koreans) anytime we found ourselves temporarily out of harm’s way.

    We handled multiple-choice questions on such subjects as:

    “Are You a Red?”
    “What Kind of Tree Are You?”
    “Are You a Homosexual?”
    “Are Any of Your Friends and Neighbors Reds/Homosexuals?”
    “Have Any of You Seen Where I Left the Keys to the Teletype Supply Cabinet?”
    “Does Your Gal Have Moxie? If So, How Often?”
    “Does This Look Contagious/Infected?”
    “What Color Is Your Parachute That I Forgot to Pack Before Your 10,000-ft. Jump?”
    “Are Any of Your Pets Red/Homosexual?”
    “Can You Show Me the Way to the Next Whiskey Bar?”
    “M*A*S*H*: Troublesome Stereotypes or Communist Propaganda?”
    “Would Any of You Care to Provide an Alibi for Last Thursday Night, When the USO Dancer Became Mysteriously Infected/Pregnant?”
    “Are You Eyeballing Me, Son?”
    “Rate Your Bedroom Skills on a Scale of Asst. Cook – Recon Sniper”

    Those tough tests, administered under harsh lights and even harsher verbal abuse, made us the men we are today. Men who fought hard. Men who played hard. Men who stared hard at other hard men, hearts in our throats and hands on our rock-hard manifiestos.

    Thanks for bringing back the nostalgic horror of the pop quiz, Don. Keep turning the tables on those youngsters. Sooner or later, they’ll learn how to bus it.

    C.L. Tanager

    • 7:57 pm

      Many thanks Clifton,

      I trust you are keeping well and the post traumatic stress disorder didn’t act up too violently over the Christmas break. I know that can be a challenging time for you.

      All very sound questions. And not surprisingly, very similar to the questions my old dad used to pose of me and my brothers York and Elgin. Ours weren’t multiple choice of course, nor did they require an answer.

      Questions like:

      ‘What the Hell is wrong with you?”

      ‘Who the Hell do you think you are?”

      “What the Hell do you want now?”

      “Why don’t you ask your mother?”

      “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

      “Which one of you is Don?”

      “Are you trying to be a wise ass?”

      Tough questions from a tough man of few words. A damned good dad though, and make no mistake about that.

      All the best.


  32. 1:21 pm

    I think I had better confess a small but worrying sign of advancing brain failure. Yesterday we made some leek and stilton cheese soup for lunch, with fresh bread, yummy. Saved half the mix in the saucepan for today. Come to warm it up, no sign of pan or soup. Sudden flash back, I put the half-filled pan in te cupborad with all the other clean ones! (NO leakage praise be.)

    And my last job, a psychogeriatrician; I know what’s coming!!

    • 1:22 pm

      And 2 typos in that comment FFS.

    • 8:21 pm

      Sounds to me like you were just being tidy, Dave. No shame in that.

      And you’re still several miles ahead of any damned young person. I don’t imagine they’d have a clue how to make a leek and stilton cheese soup or even be able to tell you the two main ingredients. They’d just giggle at the word “leek.”

      Not to mention they they wouldn’t have a clue what a sauce pan is.

      Enjoy your soup.


  33. The Celtic Queen permalink
    1:31 pm

    Don, how enjoyable was that read? Whilst that may be one way of testing I sat in on such a test and quizzing wasn’t actually how they were assessed for Alzheimer’s. It started off with tests such as drawing a clock and asking you to include the hands making it any time you want it to be. Folding a piece of paper in half and putting it on the floor, testing to see if you are still able to take instructions. You will be asked who the Prime Minister is or what year is it. You will also be asked which suburb you live in and if you have any siblings.
    According to what I read you show no signs of having this disease but most of the younger generation do.
    They don’t know what time of day it is. They never fold anything and just chuck it anywhere. Most wouldn’t have a view on anything political and being transient is a good thing. That way you can keep ahead of the police.
    Statistics show that Alzheimer’s is on the increase and I honestly believe it is.
    Contrary to what you hear about keeping your mind active, this will do little to stave off this dreadful disease. It’s great to fill in time but it’s a protein in the brain which causes problems and no amount of crosswords or Suduko will help. I haven’t seen any young uns on the trains doing too many crosswords so that won’t be a worry.
    You’re as sharp a tack and from what I see daily, you’re showing no signs of decline.
    Between you and Friggin Loon I get my quota of laughs for the day. You two are just my cup of tea.

    • 1:23 am

      Many thanks The Celtic Queen.

      A very interesting comment. Despite the serious content I had a chuckle at the notion of my neighbor’s 2o-something lad, Cody, trying to draw a picture of a clock or tell anyone what state he lived in. And I’m quite certain he wouldn’t have a clue WHAT a Prime Minister is. He told me the other day he plans to make his fortune buying and selling antique bongs on E-bay.

      I was reading a local paper just this weekend which talked about Alzheimers being on the rise. But, if its true that a crossword puzzle won’t ward it off, at least it’s an entertaining way to spend some quiet time.

      Thanks for the very kind words and the visit. Always nice to hear from you.


  34. 5:52 pm

    From what I can tell, the big problem with a lot of the commenters here is that they started watching television in the first place. If you don’t watch it, you can’t be put into a bad mood by the cancellation of a show! Anyway, television rots your brain. Young people today have been raised on a combination of television, video games and loud music piped directly to their inner ears via earbuds. Personally, I believe those three things together have rendered them to a state of permanent idiocy. Scientists have proved that constant loud noise can drive people into psychosis, and yet young people today can’t seem to live without 900 decibels being produced within an inch of their cerebellums.

    Also, I am under the impression that reading glasses, car keys, and coffee cups are actually alien invaders that can grow legs and move, plus they are sentient enough to make sure they run and hide just so they can push us over the edge into insanity. just yesterday I was engaged in an earnest search for my spectacles and realized that I was able to see the world well enough to look for them because they were on my face at the time.

    • 5:54 pm

      Oh yes, about behavior and mood changes. I experience them on a regular basis. I don’t think this is a sign of alzheimers, I think it is a sign of being a modern human and aware of the political situation. Plus going through menopause was certainly a rollercoaster of sorts, I’m not certain I am completely off that ride.

    • Lily Fossil permalink
      10:26 pm

      Dear HMC,

      Come to think of it, we didn’t have television when I was growing up and it wasn’t until I was in my early teens that my parents bought one. Of course it was only Black and White AND the network closed at midnight to the sounds of the National Anthem (God Save the Queen, it was back then).

      Naturally I was not allowed to stay up till then especially on a school night, but I think we were allowed to stay up later on Friday nights and I can still remember my Grandfather with us one evening who had never seen a television before, standing up to attention upon hearing the National Anthem at the close of transmission.

      When the networks closed for the night there was a “test pattern” only until about 6 am.

      • 8:19 pm


        I’m old enough to remember Test Patterns. I don’t know what you had in Oz, but in Canada, we always had the image of that Indian Chief.

        Haven’t seen it in years, though. I wonder what happened to the old Chief?

        • Lily Fossil permalink
          8:39 pm

          That would have been more interesting than little black and white rectangles. I wonder if anyone has collected all the old test patterns? I suppose it would make an interesting archival collection.

    • 1:31 am

      Many thanks healingmagichands,

      Another excellent comment and I thank you for that. I couldn’t agree more about the whole damned noise issue. In addition to the volume of noise though, I’d suggest another problem is that it’s also unceasing. It seems like no one these days can stand the sound of silence for more than a fraction of a second.

      My old dad always told us that we all needed time during the day to sit quietly and reflect. Time to think. I was always suspicious that he just wanted some damned peace in the house but I believe he was really on to something.

      How the Hell are you supposed to make sense of anything if you are constantly barraged by screeching televisions, computers, ipods, cell phones and people yapping all the damned time?

      Many thanks for the visit.


  35. Micky-T permalink
    6:19 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    I hope you had a nice holiday season.
    You’ve been pissed off for a very long time Mr. Mills, that’s too bad, but maybe you can help me. You’ve been pissed since the year I graduated from Lynn Trade High School and hitched my way across the USA along with thousands of like minded young people. We all grew our hair, ripped and patched our clothes and were pretty loose as to who slept with who. Damned young people, we were just having the time of our lifes. I’ve managed to stay happy all these years by continuing to lead a little bit of a gypsys life by moving and changing careers often, but I am starting to get a little pissed off on a more regular basis. Do you have any advise for a happy guy on the cusp of becoming a grumpy old man? Give it to me straight please, if I have to be pissed off more often I’d just as soon not beat around the bush and get on with it.

    Thank You Very Much,

    Micky McNarff

    • 1:54 am

      Thank you Micky,

      I’m not normally big on advice (my wife Aggie was a good one for that) but I have to admit I find your situation intriguing. Partially because, if I remember correctly, Lynn, Massachusetts, was famous for making the first roast beef sandwich in history (among other things) and partially because I too found myself becoming increasingly agitated as I slipped into middle age.

      To be honest, I don’t think you need to seek out more opportunities to get pissed off – experience would suggest they will find you. A lot. An awful lot.

      For me, I just find that as I get older my tolerance for crap, stupidity, sloppiness and the general decline of the damned planet gets harder to ignore and becomes more infuriating. And when you combine that with the fact that the older you get the less you give a rats ass about how people are going to react to your thoughts, views and words – the results can lead directly to the cusp of becoming a grumpy old man. That may be a bit of what you’re experiencing.

      Hard to say, though. Everyone’s different. My brother York is the happiest old man on the planet. The only thing that bothers him is that he can’t seem to find a pair of leather pants that fit up over his belly button.

      If nothing else, you’ve got a damned fine name for a grumpy old man. You can almost hear the kids warning each other to stay away from old Man McNarff.

      All the best, Micky.


  36. trinity permalink
    6:41 pm

    Love your blog, Donald! You have a great wit! A lot of those symptoms could be attributed to just trying live day to day in this ever stressful environment. After reading your blog, I’m quite sure there is nothing wrong with your mental faculties, but as for Hattie…that’s another matter altogether.

    • 1:56 am

      Many thanks Trinity,

      I appreciate your kind words and reassurance about my mental faculties. I’ll be sure to point Hattie toward your comment as well and am now sorely tempted to refer to her as “Mad Hattie.”

      Best regards,


  37. momromp permalink
    7:26 pm

    I went to med school (but am not a practicing physician…and not because I’m one of the lazy assclowns so omnipresent in my generation), and I remember having to administer these ridiculous assessments to people. Terrible stuff. Vague questions that produce little result except to insult “sharp as a tack” senior and further confuse and upset people with actual dementia.

    • 1:58 am

      Thank you momromp,

      I couldn’t agree more. Well said. And thank you for visiting. If you ever resume your medical career do let me know, my current physician seems to have disappeared and I could use a good family doctor.

      Best regards,


  38. Lily Fossil permalink
    10:46 pm

    UPDATE on the Saga of the Tomato Stakes:

    (Is there some Universal Law that I am unaware of that states: As one grows older every goddamned trivial thing becomes a saga?)

    I revised the strategy of going back to the local Hardware shop to get them to sharpen the tomato stakes. I thought I may lose control with said tomahawk. Instead I drove out of town and went somewhere else to buy tomahawk; that way I wouldn’t draw attention to myself locally.

    Arrived home with said impliment, attempted to sharpen one end of stake only to find said impliment not sharp enough. Spent one hour locating sharpening stone. Sharpened impliment, attempts for the second time to sharpen tomato stake to a point. Still doesn’t work. Needs new plan.

    • 2:05 am

      Thanks for the update Lily.

      A good question about the universal law. I believe the answer is yes. If you want a real epic saga (loaded with pathos and no shortage of comedy) someday I’ll have to tell you about York and his attempt to return a pair of ill-fitting leather trousers to a rather questionable downtown fashion boutique. Or, on second thought, you might rather be spared the details of that saga.

      Now, on to your stakes If it were me, I would likely look to a good, sharp pocket knife. A few light passes with that and you should be well on your way. And then I’d consider returning to the store and braining the salesman with the tomahawk (why let it go to waste?).

      Good luck.


      • Lily Fossil permalink
        3:03 am

        UPDATE #2 on the Tomato Stakes Sharpening Saga

        Loaded the bundle of 8 stakes back into car being careful not to get splinters and took them to another Hardware place where I thought they may take pity on me and sharpen them for me. Hardware person says No, but rings someone who will sharpen Tomahawk. Realises I don’t have said tomahawk in vehicle, so returns home to get it, drives to Saw Sharpening Service and asks for Steve and Steve sharpens it. Gets home, unloads stakes (unsharpened) and sharpened tomahawk. Realises now, that I don’t have a wooden chopping block on which to place said stake to proceed with sharpening manoevre. Will need to do it on the wooden step (?)

        I had thought of the very sharp pocket knife idea and thank you for the suggestion, BUT the wood that the stakes are made out of is as hard as concrete, if not harder.

        This exercise has now taken two days and I am starting to get very cranky.

        • 8:25 am

          Dear Lily. The mental image you have created has much amused me. In britland someone would have called 999 (911 in USofA, not sure in Auz) well before this point!!

          • Lily Fossil permalink
            8:42 am

            Dear Dave,

            I am glad that it amuses you. At least someone is amused because I am certainly not. (In OZ the emergency # is ‘000’, just in case you ever need it). I decided I had had enough for one day today and tomorrow in the morning when I am feeling more rational and less demented I will take decisive action, one way or t’other.

            Either I will load the bloody tomato stakes back into the car, for the third time and return them and demand my money back or they replace them with sharpened stakes OR I will attempt one last time to sharpen the bloody things myself and if you never hear from me again it will because I have accidently chopped my leg off (or head). Sorry about all the swearing, Dave, but the Australian bloody vernacular is getting the better of me. Hope you are well.

            • 8:57 am

              Dear Lily. No apology needed for language used to express obvious fecking outrage at situation you are faced with!

              I have grown toms for many years, but always in pots and then afixed support trellising/battons to adjacent walls to support the fruits, if as and when. Unfortunately I lost the whole crop to a rampant grey mildew 2 years ago when we had a very cool damp summer in britland, and then a late frost last year!!

              May I prescribe a soothing libation of rum and cola, ‘alf and ‘alf, over ice, long, repeated at last twice?

              Best to you.


              • Lily Fossil permalink
                8:46 pm

                Update #3 Pleased to report SUCCESS at last. The tomahawk was indeed sharp enough for me to shave a point on aforementioned tomato stakes. I am well pleased.

                Now Dave, about your tomatoes with powdery mildew. I suspect training them on a trellis against a wall may have contributed to that, because my understanding is that the plants like air circulating around them. This is why I stake the tomatoes. Of course cool damp weather would not have helped either.

                • 9:24 am

                  Dear Lily. Glad the ‘half and half’ mix increased your ability to chop the stakes down to size!

                  You are absolutley correct about the mildew, too little air and what was around was cool and damp. May your toms rippen all the way.

                • The Celtic Queen permalink
                  11:11 am

                  Dear Lily Fossil

                  I know you reside in Oz so you must have seen that new tomato planter where your tomatoes grow upside down. It was advertised almost as much as that crazy green spinning duster.
                  I was considering getting that planter but I planted Roma tomatoes in a tub and they are yeilding far better than anticipated. Last year I planted two cherry tomato plants and had oodles of small cherry tomotoes for our salads..
                  Just a thought. At least you wouldn’t have to worry about staking them.
                  By the way how’s that fish pond going?

  39. 11:03 pm

    Mr. Mills,

    I think you are stressed out by the young people, which is giving the appearance of “mental lapses.” Bring your shuffleboard buddies over and have a cane-whacking fest on the young people when they try to get on your lawn. They’ll soon stay off your lawn and you will no longer have thise stress lapses.

    • 2:10 am

      Thanks howmikeseesthings and welcome,

      I appreciate your stopping in lad. I’ve done my share of cane-whacking but never with friends in a group situation. It’s an interesting notion but there is something about it that just doesn’t seem quite right somehow….I’ll have to think that one over a bit.

      Anyway, I appreciate your help and hope to hear from you again.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.


  40. Lynn permalink
    9:31 pm

    I laughed so hard when I read this line and many others: “lumbering around like injured circus bears”. How do you come up with this stuff? I feel like I’m hanging out with my Grandpa when I come here. It’s a real hoot!

    • 12:08 am

      Many thanks Lynn,

      That’s very kind of you. And good on you for spending time with your old grandpa. I’m sure you’ve learned a great deal from him and quite certain her appreciates the time with you.

      All the best,


  41. 3:38 pm

    I’m pretty sure I’m a “like” offender. It’s a generational thing, I guess. I mean, the 13-year-older-than-me husband is all, “What is with this LIKE? I don’t understand. It’s not even put in a sentence correctly? The hell?”

    Yah…oh! Like, Happy New Year!

    • 12:50 am


      That damned “like” business is no laughing matter. You’d be wise to listen to your husband and do your best to curb this “offence” young lady before it’s too late.

      It would make a very fine New Years Resolution, in fact.

      All the best and a Happy New Year to you as well.


  42. Lily Fossil permalink
    8:14 pm

    @ Dear Ms Celtic Queen,

    Thank you for your advice. Next season I will reconsider the whole tomato growing exercise.

    Before you start thinking that Australia is “down under” and everything grows upside down let me show you the map.

    I am not familiar with the “crazy green spinning duster” of which you speak, but it sounds positively dangerous and with regards to the fish pond, I changed my mind (which is still a woman’s perogative, isn’t it?)

    My neighbour recently built his fish pond and when I saw how much work was involved with solar powered pump and overflow pipes etc I decided that plumbing is not my forte and I would be insane to attempt a fish pond especially when it takes me 3 days to sharpen one tomato stake.

    (My apologies to Donald, lest he think I have taken over his blog with my horticultural pursuits.)

    • 12:46 am

      Thank you Lily,

      You don’t have to worrry – It’s always a pleasure to have you comment. And I’m glad to hear that you were finally able to get your stake sharpening issues addressed.

      All the best,


    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      8:06 am

      Dear Lily Fossil

      Yes the tomato planter which hangs upside down is way to go for me next year. I wonder what tales I’ll have to tell then.

      As for the fishpond, let me tell you I’m amazed that my fish know when meal times are. They all swim to the edge waiting anxiously. I’m truly suprised by their behaviour as I always thought that fish were … just well.. kind of there.
      Then I thought it might be just fish waiting for food like dogs do but when Tillie, our dogs sits next to the pond they hide under the statue. So do they recognise me or not?

      As for the spinning green ‘Go Duster’ yes it looks hazardous.

      Kindest regards

      The Celtic Queen

  43. hisqueen permalink
    5:58 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,
    I have taken your test and it appears that I failed miserably.
    Q1..I got remarried even though I swore to never put myself into that pile of crap again.
    Q2. Are you saying that the world doesn’t revolve around me and that I shouldn’t sulk because my hubby didn’t get me my new Dooney Bourke purse or the Mercedes SUV that I’ve been eyeballing lately. Are you siding with him when I get bitchy and bratty?
    Q3. Have you seen my mind lately? What about my new Mercedes that I keep asking for? Some days I wish I could lose all the kids when they act bratty.
    Q4. Does frequent swearing and stuttering in anger count as a language problem.
    Q5. This is being written by Hisqueen but somedays (most now) I’m simply referred to as the Bitch.(only in his mind, never to my face) Does that mean I have multiple personalities.
    Q6. with these overcast days and immense snow covering the world who the hell really knows what day it is or where they really are. It all looks the same.


    His Queen (for the rest of his life) (which is on a very short leash when he makes me angry)
    But for the record….we are very much in love and trying to have another one of those bratty kids to officially blend our families and because we soooo want to have something wonderful created by both of us together. ( I believe that qualifies for failing both 1 and 2 (poor judgement and lose of sanity) together none the less) A marriage without disagreements and serious discussions is a very sad situation. As long as it’s well balanced with snow loads of love, it’s all good.

    • 2:56 am

      Many thanks hisqueen,

      Sorry to hear you scored poorly on the test but even if I could overlook the answers to the 6 questions, you are quite right in assuming that trying to having more children falls into the questionable judgement and loss of sanity category! Nevertheless…I wish you luck!

      And I agree, nothing wrong with a fiery relationship so long as you have a good foundation. My dear Aggie was a strong-willed Irish woman who didn’t care to take any guff and was quite happy to give me a cuff to the head when i got out of line.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.


  44. Mary permalink
    1:21 am

    Mr. Don! How ironic that it was this particular week’s posting that I forgot to check for 5 days. Please forgive me. Meanwhile, I’ll be doing some memory exercises.

    Hoping I’ll remember to check in Sunday evening,

    • 3:00 am

      Thanks very kindly Mary,

      I can imagine you likely have more pressing matters at hand. Nice to have you stop in on a Friday night…

      All the best. I trust you’re keeping well.


  45. 6:49 am

    some gormless assclown

    This really is one of the finest epithets I’ve ever come across.

    • 1:03 am

      Many thanks David,

      I’ve become increasingly fond of both words. They are wonderful individually but, I agree, work well together.

      Many thanks


  46. 3:40 pm

    Hi Don
    I’ve been having a lot of stress and bad luck lately. So, I thought to myself, “What can I do to relieve all of this pressure inside my brain”. I came up with a few ideas…

    1. Hunt down a low-life drug dealer on the corner near the grade school and rob him of his dope.
    2. “Disappear” from my life and plead amnesia when found wandering along a beach in Cancun.
    3. Go out and pick a fight with a weaker person at a shopping mall.
    4. Come here and read your blog.

    Obviously, I chose #4. So, thank you for continuing to educate, delight, inform, and enlighten all of us with your writings. And, I think you probably kept me from being arrested and thrown into a nasty prison cell with a butch chick named “BJ”.

    Happy New Year!!!!!

    • 1:06 am

      Nice to see you trailerparkbarbie,

      Sorry to hear you’ve been having a rough patch as of late. Hopefully your 2010 will shape up quickly and it will soon prove itself to be a banner year. If you find you’re still having a tough go of it and return to your list for “next steps”, I’d strongly suggest that number 2 appears to the most attractive of the bunch (although there is some merit in all).

      All the best and thanks for visiting.


  47. 2:29 pm


    You know I’m 44 and you call me a young man. I’m old enough to know that it’s a wise thing to agree with you, so, that’s okay. But I’m doing pretty bad on this whole memory thing. The other day I went out for dinner with this young woman, a friend of mine.. cough cough.. I took her to this nice restaurant. The following day [the day after!!!!] I gave her a ride to the bus station for her to pick up a package, and, on our way back, I told her: “Are you hungry? Wanna grab a bite? I’ll take you to this nice place called Beto Batata? Have you been there?” Then, she turned to me and said: “Yes, Ivan. That’s the place we went to last night…”

    I’m so @#$% up, Don!


    • 12:10 am

      Goodness Ivan,

      It sounds to me like you might be burning the candle at both ends, lad. You’re a young man but even a 44-year old needs to rest now and again.

      And it must be serious with this woman if you are taking her out for supper and then picking her up again the next morning for another lunch-time rendezvous. I’m happy for you Ivan. Three more dates and I’ll expect you to be making a decent woman of her. Remember to watch you manners and your hands,.

      Never mind the slight misfire in your memory. As long as you remember to bring her some flowers and candy now and again, a decent woman will forgive a great deal of absent mindedness.

      Recorde convidar-me ao casamento.

      All the best my friend,


  48. YellowRoses610 permalink
    5:05 pm

    Nice post, Don,
    And yes I do forget where I put things, I’m bloody human.

    As for mood swings, I’m a woman, we have those. I don’t go from cuddle bunny to psychotic killer in a split second or anything like that.

    Also, vacation was awesome, which is one of the reasons for my absence. The other is I start college tomorrow and wanted to study

    But as I peer up from my books and papers, I look at you and smile. You’d have approved of most of our vacation.

    Myst and I stayed in a small loft above our brother and the other people who rented space in the house. (The nice brother)
    We watched a few musicals (Real ones, not that high school musical shit), went to a museum, saw a Ballet, cooked food at home, sipped coffee, and had philosophical conversations over mixed drinks. It was pleasant.

    Then there was our wedding which happened the day before Newyears eve, because I was sick on Christmass with a bad chest cold. (Curse my subpar immune system)

    We also had to deal with various odd events, and practiced The Craft, and meditation.

    • 12:12 am

      Many thanks Rose,

      That all sounds like a very nice break. I’m glad it went well for you and that you enjoyed yourself. I’m also delighted to hear that you’ve been studying and preparing yourself for college. My sincere best wishes for great success. I’m sure you’ll do wonderfully.

      All the best,


  49. Cecilia permalink
    6:03 pm


    “My generation doesn’t have personality – we have character.”

    was definitely one of the best sentences I have read these days.
    I had this friend (who’s not my friend anymore, we fought for real and I don’t speak to him anymore… I hate the hypocrites who fight, argue about silly things and then say: “oh, but you have the right to have your own opinion, let’s not fight, let’s respect each other”, when they are evidently nervous and willing to kill one another, and then keep the memory that they hurt each other…that will show up again and again, you bet, until one kills the other)… this guy was believed and he believed too, more than everybody, that he had a fantastic and unique personality:

    1. He was a rock’n’roll fan, wearing long hair and a side beard.
    2. He listened to Creedence Clearwater Revival AND Metallica, because the differences made him appear to be so cool and open to all kinds of influences.
    3. He had a fantastic motorcycle that his parents bought to him.
    4. He never worked, he was really cool, because his parents gave him everything he needed to show up very cool and original.
    5. He never drank alcohol, though. He was really original, oh God.
    6. He was a nerd. Fan of computers, knows the Linux system like his bedroom, and he is a mathematician who hated everything which did not have any application in Nature, because he was too cool and modern and young to waste his time with long algebraic proofs.
    7. He woke up at 10 p.m. and was always late for parties and meetings and everyone understood him… “he’s crazy”, they said.

    A year ago, he decided that he was in fact old-fashioned. His girlfriend broke up with him, he went nuts and decided it was time to become gross (by the time he decided to disrespect me with a “fuck you” to which I replied a similar thing and end the fake friendship- he was never there when I needed, but was always prepared to party), and alternative! Now his personality is even cooler than before.

    1. He cut his hair really short and wear glasses or thick black irons, expensive tight T-shirts… he’s looking like a mixture of Emo and Gym freak.
    2. His new girlfriend is silly and modern, like all silly young people are today. His former girl is my best friend, an intelligent and nice person who doesn’t have personality.
    3. He goes to parties already drunk and there he fills up with more beer. Really cool.
    4. He cut his relations with “old-school” people, as he used to call me.

    Well, it proves that he never had character. And he has Alzheimer.

    I’m in bad mood permanently since I was born, but I smile because elegance is key. Language is a problem to me since I don’t want to speak to most people today. And I don’t understand what they say.

    Great post, Don!
    Um abraço.

    • 11:47 pm

      Hi Cecilia, Sometimes it’s best to move on. Life is just too full of good stuff to let the bad get you down. Keep smiling.

    • 12:27 am

      The young man sounds a complete buffoon and you’re well rid of him. He has all the markings of a self absorbed brat.

      Sorriso do sustento, Cecilia.

      All the best,


  50. 9:25 pm

    Hi Don – Thanks for finding my blog since, through that, I found you. And I’m so glad I did. Funny stuff! First new blog I’ve taken to in a long while…

    • 1:49 pm

      Many thanks KillerBoob,

      I appreciate your stopping in. Hope to hear from you again.

      Best regards,


  51. 6:46 am

    I agree with you Donald: the majority of my fellow young people today are complete morons, but that holds true with the rest of the population as well. Ignorance is just another facet of humanity.

  52. 5:01 am

    Mr Mills,

    I think I shall NEVER tire of the word…”assclown!” 😉

  53. 4:28 am

    Nice article, I could see you as being a “spiced” person with much charisma.
    I didn’t realize people with such a state of mind (not insulting you by any means) would even bother blogging, you remind me much of my Grandma in some ways…always laughing or criticizing everything jokingly.
    Strong will, strong personality, but an open mind. 🙂

    I will point her in the direction of your blog, she’s probably enjoy it.

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