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An Old Man’s Hopes for 2010

Picking up where I left off two weeks ago and proving once and for all that an old man can flog a theme within an inch of its life – some suggestions that would vastly improve our quality of life in 2010.

American Barbershop Idol

Surely to God we’ve exhausted this nation’s supply of caterwauling nancy boys and are ready to bring some damned decent singing back to the national stage. Four part harmonies plus straw boaters equals toe-tapping, good clean family fun.

The Return of Punctuation

I’m the first to admit I don’t always use my colon correctly but at least I make an effort to include punctuation when I write. These damned young people miss more periods than Michelle Duggar for Christ’s sake. Just once I’d like to read a comment from some irate young person that I could understand without use of a crack cocaine decoder ring.

Conscription

Mandatory military service for damned young people would iron the slack out of their asses and set them halfway down the road to decency. To Hell with love and nurturing – discipline, structure and a clear understanding of hierarchy is all any young person really wants or needs.

More Kids Named Orville

In my experience, you can trust a lad named Orville. They tend to be straight shooters. I wouldn’t object to seeing a few more Huberts, Vernons, Geralds and Willies as well.

Decent Speciality Channels

I’m fed up with MTV, the Disney Channel, TeenNick and the rest of their unseemly ilk. It’s time for some decent seniors’ channels. Cancel god damned Hannah Montana and let’s get to work on “The Lawnbowling Network,” “The Cardigan Channel,” or the 24 hour “Pimp My Walker” station.”

Silent Movies

Not only are today’s movies obscene, idiotic, and full of questionable young people – they’re also far too loud. That damned Dolby Digital Surround Sound has killed more old people than all of the health insurance companies put together.

Canes’R’us

Those infernal Ipods come in every manner of shape, size and colour known to man but if you’re looking for a decent cane you’ll find yourself with choice between the brown one or the browner one. Old people want selection. And we have style. Let’s not forget – it was my generation that popularized harvest gold kitchen appliances.

Cursive Writing

And I don’t mean swearing. I mean putting pen to paper. They may be able to text 80 words a minute but ask them write a sentence longhand and it comes out looking like something a chimp would produce with a pointed stick and mitt full of mashed blackberries.

Curfews

Any young person out after 9 p.m. is a likely a criminal, a fornicator, a reprobate or a fast on their way to becoming one. A nationwide curfew for young people will bring an end to lollygagging, mischief-making and finally put a stop to that damned dirty dancing. We have rubber bullets, let’s start putting them to use.

Enjoy your New Year’s Eve but keep the damned noise down. I’ll be in bed by 9:30.

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120 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:21 am

    This is hilarious. My personal favorite “These damned young people miss more periods than Michelle Duggar…”
    Keep up the bad-ass work.

    • 12:52 am

      Many thanks Hal.

      The damned lack of punctuation makes me insane. Here’s a sample of one comment I received a while back. Granted, she got a couple of periods in there but I think you’ll agree, it’s a damned difficult read.

      i think your wrong u old people dont have a clue on wats goin on with our young lives we have to make an impression on this world to let every one know that we were here and if we didnt we would just be forgoten like u will be.oh and its a way of life we choose for our selves and no one can change it not even you.soo haha i win adn u cant change that!!!!

      I realize it’s hard to organize your thoughts when you haven’t slept in 5 days and your eyes are the size of dinner saucers but give an old man a break for Christ’s sake.

      Anyway, thanks for the visit and the kind words Hal. I appreciate your stopping in.

      All the best,

      Don

  2. Cecilia permalink
    12:33 am

    Great post. I absolutely agree on what was said about silent movies…we need them back, they were so elegant and beautiful. I hate all this goddamn noise around our heads…. not words or thoughts, but scratches and roarings… when you turn on MTv or something alike, it seems dozens of dogs howling would sound like a symphony compared to that.

    Curfews are totally necessary too, for 18-year olds or under… I hate seeing children on the srteets after 10 p.m. Even in bars and shows outdoors… makes me ashamed of being there. I always ask myself whether I am in a matinee, for God’s sake. I’m almost 30. What are those damned teens doing at the counters asking for colorful drinks??

    • 1:01 am

      Many thanks Cecilia,

      Feliz Natal, as my young friend, Ivan, would say.

      You’re absolutely right about the elegance and beauty of the silent movies. And they could be damned funny too. Buster Keaton, the Keystones Cops, Fatty Arbuckle and, of course, Charlie Chaplin. All managed to be hilarious without making your damned ears bleed or using the foul language.

      Lovely to see you, Cecilia.

      All the best for a happy new year.

      Don

      • Cecilia permalink
        1:04 am

        Feliz Natal pra você também, Don. E Feliz Ano Novo. Have a great 2010.

        By the way, Buster Keaton was gorgeous.🙂

        • Cecilia permalink
          1:12 am

          Just another observation… I too hate when youngsters use “u” instead of you, and other stupidities whey they “write”. Here they are comitting similar crimes against our language… like switching qu (very common in Portuguese, like in “aqui”-here- and with the same sound as k) for k, or ch for x. Like: Axo aki mt legal… which should be in proper Portuguese “Acho aqui muito legal” or “I find this place here really nice”. I hate them when writing in the internet. When I think that our future generations will possibly speak/write such horrible Portuguese, I feel depressed. Orthography and punctuation of barbarians.

          My best regards, um abraço.

          • 1:39 am

            Well said, Cecilia.

            I was well and truly shocked when I started reading comments from the young people. I realize I’m a museum piece but it makes me wonder what the Interoffice Memo of the future might look like?

            Memo 2: u staff
            Memo frm: zeee ceo
            Re: 4N sails quotas

            yo need2 inkrease Q4 sales…or u b fired

            Cumprimentos, Don

            • Cecilia permalink
              1:51 am

              Ha, very well put. I trembled only to read this conversation you wrote. I hope I’m dead by then.

              Abraço,

              Cecilia

  3. 1:01 am

    Dear Don,

    I wholeheartedly agree about getting some new channels. I think you might be onto something. Canes r Us and Pimp My Walker are very cutting edge. There should be more Susan Boyles to showcase. I am sure that they can’t wait to break out of the Sweet Adelines.

    You’ve got my vote on this. By the way, why not bring back the Firestone Presents This Holiday Special? Just wondering.

    Regards,
    mcnorman

    • 1:57 am

      Many thanks McNorman.

      Damned right we need some channels. Seems to me that half of the teenagers in America today have a 3-sitcom deal with Disney and the other half are home watching them. It’s time someone paid attention to the 65-90 demographic. (I won’t speak for the 91-103 demographic).

      Bringing back Angela Landsbury, Elaine Stritch and Cloris Leachman would be a very good start.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in. Always good to hear from you.

      Don

  4. 1:06 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    How do you manage to come up with these posts? You have to be one of the (inadvertently) funniest people ever!

    I so agree with you on the punctuation. I get messages from my nephews and I can’t read them:

    aunt carol r u going to the mall and if u r can u get me something 2 eat OMG jkjk LOL!!!❤

    Can I borrow that crack cocaine decoder ring to translate the above?

    Keep up the good work and may you have a happy, healthy and totally pimped out walker in 2010.

    • 2:02 am

      Thanks you Mrs. King,

      Between the short forms, the punctuation and those damned emoticons I can’t understand a word of it.

      Those emoticons scare me. Especially the animated, moving ones. Look at this thing…
      😆

      It’s like having the DTs without ever having had the benefit of having a drink.

      I’ll be happy to send the crack cocaine decoder ring your way. Look for it in the mail.

      All the best,

      Don

  5. Mae permalink
    2:30 am

    Dear Don,
    You write some of the most clever and hilarious stuff I read all week and I look forward to your posts. Because there is an element of truth in most of your writings not only are they entertaining but also believable!
    One little annoying thing though….when you take the Lord’s name in vain. You are way to talented, your delivery is excellent and then you drop a G bomb.
    Of course this is your blog and you can write any way you see fit but I had to get that off my chest.
    Best regards,
    Mae

    • Lily Fossil permalink
      3:30 am

      Dear Ms Mae,

      You’re god damned right, Donald can be as god damned angry as he god damned likes on his god damned blog. I personally don’t mind his “G bombs”, in fact I god damned love them.

      Your god damned Lily

      • 1:11 am

        Dear Lily,

        I believe that you earn that privilege with age. I think we all love those bombs. Thank you for stating the obvious.

        Regards,
        mcnorman

    • 5:51 pm

      Many thanks Mae,

      I’ve been chastised for my language before and apologize if I’ve offended you. Unfortunately, it is a habit I picked up a number of decades ago and is one I don’t seem to be able to shake.

      I appreciate your stopping in and hope to hear from you again.

      All the best,

      Don

  6. 2:49 am

    Don, you clever maestro of the written word; you poet of points worth pondering; you “crazy like a fox” old goat . . . er . . . FOX! You are truly amazing!

    I, too, have been accused of colon misuse, but let me just clear the air here . . . get it? Clear the air?

    Sorry.

    I honest-to-God wish you would replace Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes, as he has simply lost his way, and spends far too much time showing tapes of himself sleeping in public places, while make half a million bucks blabbing about things like bad airline food (is there any other kind?). If he had one tiny little fraction of your talent and imagination, he would be much more entertaining.

    You, sir, are a National Treasure. Thanks again for sharing your talented insight!

    • 5:55 pm

      Thanks very much Dan,

      I actually enjoy Mr. Rooney very much. He’s the closest thing to a peer on television now that Andy Griffith has retired from public life. Plus, I’ve been told on a number of occasions that I have a great face for radio.

      Still, I appreciate the kind words very much (and the cleared air).

      All the best for a happy new year, Dan.

      Best Regards

      Don

  7. 3:10 am

    Mr. Mills, our generation not only came up with Harvest Gold, but Avocado appliances, too. No other generation even came close! Black. . . white. . . stainless? Bleh.

    You’re absolutely right about young un’s handwriting. It’s all square–like they added tails to their printed words to connect them.

    What do you mean you don’t always use your colon correctly? At your age, you shouldn’t be messing around with it.

    Metamucil.

    • 6:03 pm

      Thank you kindly merrilymarylee,

      Avocado appliances! I hadn’t thought of those in years. Damned stylish. Aggie tended to favor the harvest gold variety (I still have the stove) but I remember the avocado ones well.

      Those stainless steel appliances everyone fusses over nowadays don’t have a tenth of the flair. They’re bland, cold and smudge easily – just like young people.

      All the best and thanks for the trip down memory lane.

      Don

  8. 3:22 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,
    I see that the Santa hat has gone back in the mothballs for another year.
    Your sage advice is heartening after the evening I just had with my teen nieces; see Monday’s post.

    I think the Canes R Us is wonderful. I would love to start shopping for the right cane, as it may take years for me to find an appropriate match.. but, heck, I have years. Hee Hee

    May we all gain a little sensibility from you as this year comes to a close.
    DF

    • 6:09 pm

      Nice to hear from you delicate flower,

      Yes, the Santa hat has been put away for another year. Can’t say I’m sorry to see it go – it was itchy as Hell and kept slipping over my eyes while I was driving.

      If you do find any decent cane outlet please let me know. I’m due for a new one and was hoping for something other than chocolate brown. A decent sepia, russet or burnt umber would be nice for a change.

      And I’ll pop over to read your post later in this afternoon. I’m intrigued.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  9. Debbi permalink
    3:23 am

    As usual, you’re right on the mark, Donald. For instance, when it comes to movies, it seems like they’re not only too loud, but they depend way to much on special effects–all to the detriment of telling a decent story. I mean, seriously, what is with this movie “Avatar”? Slap together the most threadbare, preachy story possible and jazz it up with 3-D images and a no-doubt overbearingly loud Dolby-ized soundtrack, calculated as all get out to wring tears–and that’s supposed to be a good movie? Sorry, I call that 2 hours and change flushed down the toilet.

    I say let’s get back to basics. Well-written stories with characters that have a bit more substance to them than tissue paper.

    As for punctuation (not to mention spelling and grammar), I’m in complete agreement. FWIW, there’s at least one young person, who concurs with you on the punctuation issue–at least, with respect to quotation marks: http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/

    Oh, yes, about your colon. The less said, the better I think.

    • 6:18 pm

      Many thanks Debbi,

      Very well said. In my opinion there hasn’t been a decent film made since Ben-Hur (and I’m talking about the 1925 version). A few well-written stories and decent, sympathetic characters would be a very nice change. A couple of horses and a few less car chases wouldn’t go amiss either.

      I love that quotation marks site, Debbi. It’s damned funny. Thanks for reminding me about it – I haven’t visited in a while.

      And, agreed, I don’t think we need to examine my colon use too closely.

      Best regards,

      Don

  10. Lily Fossil permalink
    3:59 am

    Dear Donald,

    On the topic of a good walking cane I found these you may or may not be interested in.

    “these walking canes are constructed of real bull organs, fully sterilized and prepared by a professional taxidermist. The durable metal rod down the center of the penis cane ensures its longevity and reinforces its sturdy nature”

    http://www.fashionablecanes.com/Bull_Organ_Penis_Walking_Cane.html

    Who would have thunk it.

    • 6:32 pm

      My God Lily!

      I appreciate the research but that has to be the most disturbing cane known to man.

      Nothing says jump up out of your chair and go for a walk like the notion of a “durable metal rod down the center of the penis.” Personally, it makes me want to crawl under the sofa not do a lap around the block.

      Once you get past that, however, you’re confronted by the fact that it comes with “rubber tip included.” Jesus! There’s a visual!

      And them, to add insult to injury, they prices it at $88. After deducting the cost of the metal rod, rubber tip and labor, I’m assuming that the penis itself probably cost about $10. Somehow that just doesn’t seem right.

      Looks like I’ve got my nightmares for 2010 lined up now.

      Many thanks Lily. Who’d have thunk it indeed!

      Warm regards,

      Don

      • marymcmary permalink
        3:38 am

        I was going to direct you to Fashionable Canes! I ordered a cane from them a few months ago when I was having some health problems and needed a little assistance walking. Not the lovely one Miss Lily has shown us, but a nice and stylish cane still.

        • 2:17 pm

          Many thanks Mary,

          I never got past the one Lily forwarded but will be sure to give their site a careful look. I hope your health problems have all cleared up and that your cane is nothing more than a snappy fashion accessory at this point.

          All the best,

          Don

          • marymcmary permalink
            5:21 pm

            Thanks, my health has gotten better, and I get to use my cane now just to wave and threaten the kids at school with. It’s quite fun.

  11. sensico permalink
    5:01 am

    haha but putting periods at the ends of sentences is sooooo old skool

    congrats on making it this far, 321,140 people have visited so far! I can’t believe how fast this blog took off. What’s your secret? Is it the prune juice?

    btw, “Pimp My Walker”…walkers would be impossible to pimp, old people complain about enough already, we don’t need to hear them complaining about the custom paint job being scratch everytime they run into the “less obvious” wall.

    • 6:43 pm

      Sensico,

      Nice to see you lass. I trust all is well.

      Thanks on the congratulations. I believe you responsible for a good number of those visits. If I remember correctly you stimpled or stumpled or rumplestiltskinned one of my posts back in April and that ended up bringing a lot of people my way. So thank you for that.

      Now, as for old people complaining – that’s a damned stereotype. It’s the young people that complain about everything (my ipod only has 600 gigabytes, my pants only droop down to the middle of my ass, my television only gets 124 channels). Old people are happy with a crank radio, ham sandwich and flat ginger ale.

      And I hardly ever run into those less obvious walls. 2 or 3 times a week at the most and it’s not my fault damn it. People should paint them a bright color, hang a sign on them or move them the Hell out of my way.

      All the best, Sensico, for a wonderful 2010.

      Don

  12. 5:13 am

    I’m with you on all of these. The return to the heady days of straight males cutting hair and forming vocal quartets is long overdue.

    I also couldn’t agree with you more about the sorry state of our entertainment industries. TV is all about harvesting tweens’ disposable cash and the movies are all about blowing your mind, by blowing your available cash and eardrums, in that order.

    Whatever happened to good old fashioned family entertainment, shot tastefully in black and white and recorded in Smitty’s Monosound? The kind of films where lessons were learned, families stayed together and women either stayed out of the way or were backstabbing witches? Can’t we get some more of that?

    Not these days. No matter what TV show or movie you watch, there’s always some punk kid or mouthy wife/girlfriend talking up a storm, making waves or abusing any other number of nautical analogies. Speaking of which, the next time the boat goes down and someone yells, “Women and children first!” make sure they mean “before the lifeboats.”

    • 8:40 pm

      Many thanks CLT,

      You make me misty for those days of Smitty’s monosound. I also enjoyed smitty’s pancake house, smitty’s goldfish emporium and smitty’s appliance shack. In fact, I think I just always felt comfortable purchasing things from men named smitty.

      Should have added that to the list of names.

      Thanks for visiting, CLT, and happy new year.

      Best regards,

      Don

  13. 5:13 am

    Oh. And canes. We definitely could use more canes.

    • Mike permalink
      6:38 pm

      more canes? pfff. did you take a second to look at that site with the $10 bull-wang cane? they have to have at least a buhzillion models there, seriously. Old looking canes, new looking canes, all different handles & junk. my dad showed me this post, he’s an old dude too, you keep him chuckling, thought i would chime in and say thanks.

      his cane, by the way, is for old people with arthritis…so they bitch about one less thing:
      http://www.fashionablecanes.com/80970.html

  14. Clifton L. Tanager permalink
    5:34 am

    Don –

    I haven’t read a piece I’ve agreed with more since rereading my last epic letter to the editor. This one concerned the lackadaisacal attitude of our councilman, who had responded to my long-winded and mostly anecdotal question concerning Medicare Plan B changes with a “I’m not sure that’s in my jurisdiction, but I can have someone get ahold of you after the holiday season.”

    I’m not sure he remembers who elected him. A total of 89 votes were cast for that position and barring his extended family (he’s Catholic; his wife’s a Mormon), that would leave myself and Mr. Carruthers filling in the two votes he needed to secure his position.

    But that is neither here nor there.

    I am pleased to see conscription being bandied about again as a solution to today’s youths’ penchant for twittering, texting and abbreviating. This should put some lead in their pencil, hair on their chest and military-issue eyewear on their faces, all of which should keep them from reproducing anytime soon.

    Another benefit will be their swift and unpleasant return to the basics of English usage. With all the LOLs and KTHXBAIs in use, it should be easy to wrap their shallow minds around our military’s love of acronyms. This may, in fact, give them a leg up on their superiors, who came from a world where everything was spelled out (in longhand) using every letter in our alphabet and few from the Latins, whose inattention caused their language to die a premature death.

    In no time at all, the little heathens should be shorn of their hair and personalities and acclimating themselves for a four-year stint as a mental punching bag for their superiors and a bullet backstop for their enemies. They’ll be speaking to each other in the man’s man’s man’s language: acronyms and derogatory slang.

    Let’s see them LOL the next time someone shoves an MRE into their constantly gaping maws and orders them to enjoy it. Let’s see if they take 50-mile hikes SRSLY, especially while having to repeat a jaunty tune filled with sexual innuendo and casual prejudice the whole way.

    A swift divorce from their plethora of electronics ought to be scarring enough. Not being able to tell the world of their current plight without vowels and under 140 characters will turn them into well-tuned cannon fodder, ready to rid the world of perceived evil and casual misspellings.

    Ride ’em hard, Don. If anyone can get them using proper parentheses again, it’s you.

    Loquaciously,
    C.L. Tanager

    • 8:52 pm

      God Damn it Clifton,

      You were hilarious in the 50s, ribald in the 60s, wry in the 70’s, disappeared in the 80s, emerged briefly but satirically in the 90s, and were funny as hell in the 00’s. I’m not sure what decade we’re in now, but I look forward to seeing where you go next.

      I only wish I was half as insightful, precise and funny as you are, Clifton. Brilliant comment, once again.

      All the best.

      Don

  15. jammer5 permalink
    5:37 am

    Now, there are some great sound movies, most made in the fifties and early sixties, mind you. Such classics as, “The Creature from the Haunted Sea,” with lines like, “It’s dusk. I can tell because the sun’s going down.” Also, the old cowboy series of talkies, including Hoppalong Cassidy, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans, The Lone Ranger, and the Sons of the Pioneers. And who can forget, “Hey Cisco . . . Wait for me!”

    Movies with those heroes in them kept me on the edge of my seat at Saturday matinees many a week, when I could afford the quarter I had to earn in order to see them. The best of times, no doubt!

    • 9:01 pm

      Many thanks Jammer,

      You make a good point. You don’t hear classic lines like “It’s dusk. I can tell because the sun’s going down” often enough anymore.

      And I must confess that I did have a soft spot for the old cowboy movies from the 1940s. Who doesn’t love a singing cowboy? (My other guilty pleasure would be old Hammer films from the mid to late 1950s but that’s a whole other story).

      All the best Jammer! And happy new year, lad.

      Best regards,

      Don

  16. 7:10 am

    HAHAHA!

    “I don’t always use my colon correctly” and “These damned young people miss more periods than Michelle Duggar” had me laughing so hard I could barely read the rest of your wish list.

    My grammy and I watched Lawerence Welk, The Wonderful World of Disney and Wild Kingdom every Sunday night. Of course, we only had 2 channels back in those days, but those shows were fine entertainment and we didn’t have to worry about embarrassing titty shots like you see on every station now.

    • 9:06 pm

      Thank you kindly yellowcat.

      I never warmed up to that Disney fellow but the other two shows were staples at my house as well. I used to watch that damned Marlin Perkins and his Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom religiously. I always felt bad for the burly Australian lad, though. Seemed Merlin would spot the pride of lions from the comfort of his helicopter and then order “Jim” (or whatever the hell his name was) in with nothing more than a tranquilizer gun and a pointed stick.

      Thanks for visiting yellowcat. I hadn’t thought of old Marlin in years.

      All the best for 2010.

      Don

  17. 7:18 am

    Three cheers for the Willies!!! Eww I think I just gave someone the willies by saying that.

    • 9:08 pm

      Thanks Bearman,

      It wasn’t me. I damned pleased to hear we share the same appreciation of Willies. Where do you stand on Rogers?

      All the best,

      Don

      • Horny Goat Weed Advocate permalink
        10:09 pm

        And don’t forget Lance.

        • Lily Fossil permalink
          5:15 am

          “Lance” always reminds me of what you do to boils. You know, to lance a boil. Makes me grimace.

      • 12:48 am

        If you two guys both appreciate Willies, there is something important you’re not telling us.

  18. Catherine permalink
    8:40 am

    Oh Don… One of my favourite posts ever. I laughed until I cried. I agreed with every point you made, especially about the Willies, personally I’d like to see many more willies.

    Very best wishes for 2010.

    Catherine

    • 9:09 pm

      Thanks for visting Catherine,

      I appreciate the kinds words very much and am glad to hear that your in agreement about Willies. I hope you see a good number of them in 2010.

      All the best,

      Don

  19. 11:10 am

    oh, don, the silent movies is a very bad idea. think of the pile-up of walkers as the old folks all rush out of the movie theaters to get new batteries for their hearing aids. it won’t be pretty. 😯

    • 2:20 pm

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      There may be some confusion at first but once people get accustomed to the quiet I’m sure they will come to enjoy it.

      I wonder, though, what they would charge for batteries at the movie concession stand. Since they charge $8 for flavored water and twice that for popcorn, I’m assuming a pack of batteries would set you back a couple of hundred dollars.

      All the best Nonnie. And thank you for the comment you left on the Christmas post. It was very nice indeed.

      All the best,

      Don

  20. 12:03 pm

    Don, you almost had your wish with the Barbershop Idol! http://www.nbc.com/sing-off/ A decent show, I might add.

    I, too, wish for proper punctuation (and grammar and spelling)! It’s a pet peeve of mine – people who “rite lyk dis 2 me”. I want to shove their writing device up their colon device!

    • 2:25 pm

      Many thanks Shelli,

      I’d never heard of that program. It looked interesting but I still didn’t see any straw boaters.

      And I love your last sentence. If there was ever a thought that deserved an exclamation point, that would be it.

      Many thanks for visiting. Always nice to hear from you.

      Don

  21. Vernon permalink
    4:28 pm

    Don,

    I couldn’t agree with you more about needing more people named Vernon, Orville and Willie. Mine’s a good name. A family name. With history, meaning and integrity. Always had a curfew of 8:30 too.

    Happy new year, my friend.

    • 2:27 pm

      Happy New Year to you as well, Vernon.

      Damned nice to hear from you. And thanks for making one of my New Years Hopes come true. If you ever run into Orville, please send him my way.

      All the best,

      Don

  22. hisqueen permalink
    5:59 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    What happens between ones colons should stay between ones colons.

    I am also seriously starting to doubt that you are as old as you say you are. I, for one, am not that old and I have no idea how to even work with those emotion-icons. I am starting to suspect that you are one of those young uns’ disguising yourself as an old folk.
    However, since you are doing such a fine job working that disguise to your advantage, go ahead and keep up the great work.
    to say it in the words of my own annoying teenagers…OMG, U R so Cool.

    • 2:33 pm

      Many thanks hisqueen,

      I can tell you with 100% honesty that up until a few days ago I had no idea how to “write” one of those damned emoticons. I was always baffled as to how people were slipping them into their comments but really had no interest in researching it too closely.

      Then, some young person left a comment on an old post that had 3 animated emoticons. When I looked at them in this blogs comments section, they were all jiggly and frightening but when I looked at them on the administration pages they were nothing but key strokes.

      So, I cribbed the keystrokes and tried it myself and – hooray – now I can create unsightly bed bug emoticons. It’s nothing to do with age – just the things I’m exposed to on this blog. 9 months ago I’d never heard of “sexting” either or “prostotots” or…..well, you get the idea. It’s been a damned eye opening experience.

      Anyway, thanks for the visit. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

  23. 6:13 pm

    Don,
    I couldn’t agree with you more. (And truth be told, I wouldn’t want to!)

    Not only are your suggestions erudite and sagacious (I’m just testing out the “word a day” calendar I got for Christmas), they are also the synonyms of those words.

    Speaking of “The Cardigan Channel” (and what an erudite and sagacious idea that one was!), I have come up with a few suggestions on future programs the network could produce. (All of which would be geriatric friendly, of course.)

    Here are just a few of my ideas:

    CSI: Sarasota, Florida

    Law And Order: Special Mugging Victims Unit

    Degrassi: The Incoherent Generation

    Nip/Tuck/Nip/Tuck/Nip/Tuck/Nip/Tuck/Nip

    Keeping Up With The Bingo Caller

    America’s Next Top Napper

    Ugly and Wrinkled Betty

    Blind (and Partially Deaf) Date

    Saturday Early Evening Live

    …I have a few hundred more, but I’ll save those for 2011.

    Happy New Year, Don. You are truly the man I one day hope to be. (Only in the woman version).

    Your wannabe erudite and sagacious friend,
    Bschooled

    • hisqueen permalink
      8:02 pm

      to use a few of Don’s words: now I have to look those up in the damned dictionary.(for Christ sake)
      Now I too will be having or showing acute mental discernment and keen practical sense; shrewd.

      The work these young people make us old folks do just to keep up with them.

    • Debbi permalink
      2:55 am

      Love those (erudite and sagacious) ideas for shows, Bschooled! Perhaps you should send these suggestions to a few TV producers. Beats most of the crap that’s on now.

      • 1:50 pm

        Thank-you Debbie. I sent them in yesterday, so I hope to hear something later this afternoon (fingers crossed!)

        CLT- Your brain salad is more like an entree than an hors d’oeuvre.

        I take it that your movie idea is of the horror genre? (Liver spots scare me something fierce!)

    • 3:20 am

      I’ll add a movie idea I’ve been tossing around in my mind like so much brain salad:

      “Eternal Left Turn of the Liver Spotted Mind”

    • 3:50 pm

      My sincere thanks Bschooled,

      All excellent suggestions. I’d particularly enjoy CSI: Sarasota and would recommend that you forward that suggestion to the folks in Hollywood. I’m not sure if you’ve given any thought to casting but it seems to me that this would be the perfect slow moving vehicle for Andy Griffith (if this won’t bring him out of retirement I don’t know what will).

      Thank you for being my erudite and sagacious friend.

      Don

  24. Lily Fossil permalink
    9:24 pm

    Some names for females I would like to see return are Beryl, Hazel, Laurel, Agnes and Winifred.

  25. Lynn permalink
    10:23 pm

    I do love me some Donald Mills. Oh how I’ve missed you Don. I am so glad this holiday season is almost over. I’m becoming more comfortable here than ever!

    • 6:28 pm

      How nice to see you back Lynn,

      I do hope you are keeping well. The new year will be upon us soon and I sincerely wish you nothing but happiness for 2010.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Lynn permalink
        10:23 pm

        and back at ‘cha cutie! see ya in 2010!

  26. 11:09 pm

    Dear Don, I couldn’t agree with this post more. Texting has ruined a whole generation for spelling and punctuation. I am only hoping that when these texting adolescents get old enough to drive they will continue the vile practice. Since it has been shown that texting and talking on the phone while driving impairs you more than if you were legally drunk, hopefully all the little idiots will kill themselves driving off the road.

    I totally agree with requiring two years of mandatory military service for ALL young people, male and female alike, beginning the day they graduate from high school or drop out, whichever comes first. With a policy like that, maybe more of the little brats would stay in school until they graduated, thereby possibly learning to finish what they started. Mandatory service would indeed instill some discipline and respect in them. This would also eliminate the problem of people who have NO IDEA what they want to be when they grow up trying to declare a major when they enter college.

    As far as TV channels are concerned, there are far too many of them already.

    • 6:32 pm

      As always, healingmagichands, a pleasure to have you stop in for a visit.

      A damned sensible comment (as per usual) and I like the notion of the 2 year stint immediately upon completion (be it graduation or dropping out) of school. As you say, an excellent motivator for continuing education.

      Hope you had a wonderful Christmas and enjoyed that brandy-soaked fruit cake.

      Best regards,

      Don

  27. 11:27 pm

    Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.
    -Kurt Vonnegut

    • Lynn permalink
      5:12 pm

      transvestite hermaphrodites? really sekanblogger, now i’m intrigued….do go on.

      • 1:50 am

        Lynn, you just have to read Kurt.
        One cranky old fart, that Kurt.
        And a great writer.
        I miss Kurt.

    • 6:34 pm

      Thanks very much seekanblogger. An interesting quote but then again you wouldn’t expect anything less from Mr. Vonnegut.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  28. marymcmary permalink
    3:51 am

    I love to text, I’ll be honest. But I will not use all those horrid abbreviations. “R u there?” “K, w8 4 me.” My friend will text “tu” instead of “thank you.” Take texting off of the teenagers’ cell phones, fix them so that the kids can only call their parents and 911, and make them practice their long-hand every day!

    As for movies, I do enjoy my talkies, but can’t we go back to the good ol’ days of good, clean family movies, without all this damned computer generated mess? I am a devoted fan of the original Star Wars trilogy, but the new movies are terrible. Just ruined by all the computer generated effects. In fact, those movies are more about showing off the special effects than the story telling.

    Music and TV? I’ll just not start. Mr. Don, you are straight on point, as usual. Have a Happy New Year!

    • 6:41 pm

      Many thanks Mary,

      I’m certainly not suggesting that there is no room for this texting business. I’ll never do it, likely never understand it and would prefer others didn’t…but if people listened to me we’d still be sending telexes, using rotary phones and typing our letters on an olivetti. “Progress” seems to carry on despite my dire warnings attempts to bring it to a grinding halt.

      I just get a little concerned when an entire generation is raised to think that “k, w4 me” is the standard of writing and not a sloppy short hand.

      Happy New Year Mary and all the best for 2010.

      Best regards,

      Don

  29. 4:38 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    Please live forever and never stop writing.

    Yours truly,

    Ms. Madcap

    • 6:43 pm

      Many thanks Madcap,

      I’ll certainly do my best. Many thanks for visiting. I do hope to hear from you again.

      All the best,

      Don

  30. 4:42 am

    Mr Mills

    I can see you have high hopes for the new year..so let me see if I understand some of this dementia you have spewn forth..

    Conscription – Absolutely HELL GOD DAMN YES..And i am not even kidding. These young folks need it, a hitch in the service make a GOD DAMN man out of you.

    American Barbershop Idol – Not the best idea, I dont think i need to see a couple of fellas named Dick and Gene singing a quartet in the pinstripes..not to say they would not be good…but lets face it something about fiftysomethings with beer guts and handlebar mustaches..prolly even give you nightmares..i gotta pass on that one

    Cursive Writing and curfews – Another god damn great idea Don…these young punks need to be in the house hitting the books instead of the pipe..

    Little surprised i did not hear about bringing back over 50 beauty pagents…..Lily Fossil might want to enter..what do you old people say VA VA VOOM…..anyways Happy New Year Don thanks for the memories this year…happy and healthy one to you and yours..zman sends

    • 1:56 am

      Happy New Year Zman,

      Amazing to see us in agreement on so many points, lad.

      I hold firm on the notion of American Barbershop idol and would ask you to reconsider. Give me 50 year old men with beer bellies, handlebar moustaches, 4 part harmonies and spiffy vests over pruning damned peacocks any day of the week.

      All the best to you as well Zman. Thanks for kicking me in the pants now and again – I appreciate it. Hope your 2010 is a banner year, Zman.

      All the best.

      Don

  31. Friar permalink
    7:13 pm

    @Don

    Rubber bullets?

    Perhaps that would be too harsh.

    Maybe a rap across the knuckles with a wooden yardstick, would suffice as a first warning. Save the rubber bullets for later…when they start tagging our mailboxes.

    Oh, and I agree with American Barbershop Idol. It would be nice to see normal men singing for a change. And not those Nancy-boy pop stars.

    I bet you if Simon Cowell gave them a hard time, they wouldn’t cry, they’d punch his lights out instead.

    And that alone would be worth watching.

    I wish you all the best for 2010!

    – Friar

    • 1:58 am

      Many thanks Friar,

      I may have gone a little overboard with the rubber bullets but I just hate to see things go to waste.

      I’d pay to see a few barbershop boys kick that Cowell’s ass. Time to bring a little UFC to the damned Idol stage as far as I’m concerned.

      Best wishes for 2010 Friar and thanks for all of the visits. It’s been a pleasure.

      Don

  32. 7:37 pm

    Bring back Angela Landsbury and deport William Shatner to Siberia!

    • 1:51 am

      Angela is boring.
      Shatner is funny.
      Do the opposite.

    • 2:00 am

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      I don’t care where you send Shatner – just get him off my damned television. The man is a parody of a joke that was once a gag. It’s damned unnerving.

      Many thanks and Happy New Year.

      Don

  33. momromp permalink
    5:02 am

    Another inspired post. Many thanks for the laughs. Keep them coming in 2010! Happy New Year, sir.

    • 2:01 am

      Many thanks Momromp.

      I’ll do my best. Hope you have a wonderful New Year as well.

      Best regards,

      Don

  34. 11:24 pm

    Dear Don,

    Thanks for being such a nice guy to me in 2009. You are fantastic!

    Ivan.

    • 2:08 am

      Ivan!

      Thank YOU for being such a good friend in 2009. It has been a real pleasure to get to know you. Perhaps next September we can make good on our promise and moon the damned UN in New York City!

      All the best to you and your family for a prosperous, healthy and happy 2010. Stay in touch my friend.

      Don

  35. 6:49 am

    Well Mr Mills let me just say I wouldn’t complain about seeing a few more Willies next year! Oh and a little hint for those wanting silent movies, just turn the volume off and tune the color out. I have tried it and let me tell you Sean Hannity looks like Fred Fintstone!

    • 6:30 pm

      Many thanks Frigginloon,

      Excellent advice. I’ll have to give that a try. I think Sean Hannity would work best in black and white (and most definitely with the sound turned down).

      All the best,

      Don

  36. Lily Fossil permalink
    7:11 am

    Happy New Year Donald and to all your readers too. May 2010 be the best year yet.

    Lily

  37. 10:10 am

    Do you have any idea where I could pic up a crack cocaine decoder ring? I feel it would open up the doors to comunication between the generations that have been closed for so long.

    Also I was wondering if you’ve ever had any experiance with a broken coccyx? I’m having a lot of trouble trying to deal with it and I was hoping that a man of your experiance could offer some advice.

    Hope you have an amazing New Year!

    • 6:36 pm

      Nice to hear from you Scott,

      I’d be happy to send you a crack cocaine decoder ring (I will be adding them to the fine products available through Donco). I think you’ll find they are stylish as well as practical.

      Sorry to hear about your coccyx. I don’t have any experience in that area (knock wood) but it sounds damned painful. I’d be happy to ask down at the seniors centre, though. There isn’t a bone you can think of that someone down there hasn’t had break. In the interim, I’d suggest a damned stiff drink.

      All the best for a wonderful new year and a speedy recovery.

      Don

  38. Evil Editor permalink
    11:36 am

    I would like to express priority ship an order for the crack-cocaine-decoder ring, please.
    The 20-something functionally illiterate folks on the copy and reporting desks — all of whom obtained their college degrees from Cracker Jack University — managed to cause the press to come to a screeching halt over the misuse of a couple of commas and, more importantly, the misunderstanding that a fatality is not an acceptable substitute meaning for a critical injury. I’m certain the football coach will be as relieved as I am that the Page A1 headline in 48-point type reads that he’s still alive.
    Please add to this an order for two dozen whiskey balls, a pint of spiced cocoa and a stainless steel 3.5-ounce hip flask designed to look like a cell phone with a black carrying case and belt clip.
    Happy New Year!

    • 6:43 pm

      Many thanks Evil Editor,

      I hadn’t expected a run on the decoder rings but will be happy to ship you one immediately. I think you’ll find they’re especially helpful in deciphering the work of CJU graduates.

      A very Happy New Year to you, Evil Editor.

      Best regards,

      Don

  39. jammer5 permalink
    2:26 pm

    http://www.canesgalore.com/?gclid=CJ7Rj4ayg58CFRTyDAod4zY_cg features canes of many types. Personally, I like the ones with built in tazer, double edged sword and pepper spray for chasing punks off lawns.

    • 6:45 pm

      Many thanks Jammer.

      Tazer, double edged sword and pepper spray???? And it’s too damned late to get it on my Christmas list. Oh well, my birthday’s coming up and that sounds like the perfect gift.

      All the best and thanks for the lead, Jammer.

      Don

  40. 4:38 pm

    Hilarious Don. I hear there is a chance that the Hip Replacement Channel will debut on cable this year. All the best in the coming year.

    • 6:46 pm

      Many thanks fundamentaljelly,

      I’m still holding out for the gallbladder channel. Now that’s must see t.v.

      Happy New Year, FJ, and all the best for a wonderful 2010.

      Don

  41. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    11:26 pm

    I couldn’t agree more about the punctuation, I mean a third of the e-mails I get from friends I have to decipher. Don’t get me started on text messaging, vowels cease to exist. See there is at least one young person who has a healthy respect for the English language.

    P.S.

    Happy 2010

    • 4:58 pm

      Many thanks lookingforsomethingtofind,

      Glad to hear I’m not the only one who can’t understand what the Hell these young people are writing.

      Happy 2010, to you as well and all the best.

      Don

  42. 1:06 am

    Hi Don –

    I enjoy your writing a whole lot.

    Happy New Year!

    • 4:59 pm

      Many thanks NNIC,

      I appreciate your kind words and your visit.

      All the best and Happy New Year.

      Don

  43. 2:03 am

    I haven’t laughed so hard in awhile. I needed this kind of humor tonight. Thanks for a great read. I am a first time visitor to your site, do I need to stand and introduce myself?
    Keep up the good work and I will be back. Drop by my place if you care to read about Italian food.

    • 5:04 pm

      Thank you and welcome italianmamachef,

      You don’t need to stand up and introduce yourself but you’re certainly welcome to do so.

      I’ll be sure to drop by your site – I’ve always been extremely fond of Italian food. I haven’t had a decent tortellini with rose sauce since my Aggie passed.

      Thanks again for visiting with me.

      Don

  44. robinaltman permalink
    2:54 am

    Don, you’ll be happy to know that the names you love are making a comeback. There’s an “Erma” in my son’s class, and my niece’s name is “Ruby”. If my dimwits procreate one day, I’ll suggest a “Little Willie”, just for you.

    Hmmm. There’s just no way to make that sound good, is there?

    • 5:08 pm

      Nice of you to visit robinaltman,

      “Erma”? Now there is a name I haven’t heard in a while. Nice to know it is making a comeback. And many thanks for suggesting “Little Willie” as a name for any future grandchild. Personally, I think it sounds just fine.

      All the best and thanks for visiting. Always nice to have you stop in.

      Don

  45. Vyasamoorthy permalink
    3:45 pm

    Your capacity to hate youngsters is amazing!
    I have left a Google sidewiki on the choice of walking sticks on this post.

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