An Old Man’s Hopes for 2010
Picking up where I left off two weeks ago and proving once and for all that an old man can flog a theme within an inch of its life – some suggestions that would vastly improve our quality of life in 2010.
American Barbershop Idol
Surely to God we’ve exhausted this nation’s supply of caterwauling nancy boys and are ready to bring some damned decent singing back to the national stage. Four part harmonies plus straw boaters equals toe-tapping, good clean family fun.
The Return of Punctuation
I’m the first to admit I don’t always use my colon correctly but at least I make an effort to include punctuation when I write. These damned young people miss more periods than Michelle Duggar for Christ’s sake. Just once I’d like to read a comment from some irate young person that I could understand without use of a crack cocaine decoder ring.
Mandatory military service for damned young people would iron the slack out of their asses and set them halfway down the road to decency. To Hell with love and nurturing – discipline, structure and a clear understanding of hierarchy is all any young person really wants or needs.
More Kids Named Orville
In my experience, you can trust a lad named Orville. They tend to be straight shooters. I wouldn’t object to seeing a few more Huberts, Vernons, Geralds and Willies as well.
Decent Speciality Channels
I’m fed up with MTV, the Disney Channel, TeenNick and the rest of their unseemly ilk. It’s time for some decent seniors’ channels. Cancel god damned Hannah Montana and let’s get to work on “The Lawnbowling Network,” “The Cardigan Channel,” or the 24 hour “Pimp My Walker” station.”
Not only are today’s movies obscene, idiotic, and full of questionable young people – they’re also far too loud. That damned Dolby Digital Surround Sound has killed more old people than all of the health insurance companies put together.
Those infernal Ipods come in every manner of shape, size and colour known to man but if you’re looking for a decent cane you’ll find yourself with choice between the brown one or the browner one. Old people want selection. And we have style. Let’s not forget – it was my generation that popularized harvest gold kitchen appliances.
And I don’t mean swearing. I mean putting pen to paper. They may be able to text 80 words a minute but ask them write a sentence longhand and it comes out looking like something a chimp would produce with a pointed stick and mitt full of mashed blackberries.
Any young person out after 9 p.m. is a likely a criminal, a fornicator, a reprobate or a fast on their way to becoming one. A nationwide curfew for young people will bring an end to lollygagging, mischief-making and finally put a stop to that damned dirty dancing. We have rubber bullets, let’s start putting them to use.
Enjoy your New Year’s Eve but keep the damned noise down. I’ll be in bed by 9:30.