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‘Twas the Damned Night before Christmas…

‘Twas the night before Christmas and in the house of Don Mills,
I had put on my nightshirt and was taking my pills.
I sat down by the window and would wait there ‘til dawn
To make sure that the young people stayed off of my lawn.

I was sure they were near and not home in their beds,
Off getting drunk out of their sugar-plummed heads.
I kept an ear out for the teens, but I heard not a peep,
So I decided to rest and retired to sleep.

When out on my lawn, I heard such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed – and not because of my bladder.
I ran to the windows, angry and mumbling,
“I’ll tear you a new one” quietly grumbling.

I tore open the windows and what should I see,
But a shadowy figure in the midst of a pee.
And in addition my wondering eyes could see clear,
that the despicable thug was chugging a beer.

And once it was done, he yelped out a scream,
I knew then for sure, that he must be a teen.
More stupid than rabid, he staggered about,
And he whistled and belched and he started to shout.

“I’m so drunk! I’m so wasted! I’m outta my tits
I’m basted! I’m buzzed! I’m totally blitzed.
I’m a badass, a home boy, I’m in your face,
And I’m gonna break into this old fart’s place.

I shouted “God Damn it, that’s no way to have fun!
Get your ass off my street” and I called 9-1-1.
But he propped my old ladder on the side of my house,
And scurried on up like a flea bitten mouse.

And the next thing I knew I heard him up on my roof,
Stumbling about like a great drunken goof.
He slid down my chimney on that cold Christmas Eve
And I stood there before him and told him to leave.

He was all dressed in denim, from his head to his toe
He wasn’t welcome in my house and I told him so.
He was shabby, unkempt and exceptionally farty,
And he flung back his head and he shouted out “Party!”

He smiled like an idiot and in a voice very rude
Mumbled the words “How’s it hanging, old dude.”
His eyes they were bloodshot, his pimples were throbbing
And when he lurched for my rye, I could see he’d come robbing.

I told him to stop, to desist, go away,
And advised the police were well on their way.
I don’t know if it registered, or if he just didn’t care,
But all he gave in response was a damned vacant stare

Then he grabbed up my rye and he started to chug,
By now I’d had more than enough of this thug.
I threatened to break both his legs and an arm,
To unleash my cane and cause physical harm.

“You?”Take me on? You don’t have the guts!”
And that’s when I kicked him right in the nuts.
He fell to the floor and started to whine,
I snatched up my cane, cracked him hard on the spine .

In moments the police burst into my house,
They detained and arrested that miserable louse.
And he heard me exclaim as he was dragged from my sight,
“Merry Christmas, you assclown, enjoy prison, goodnight!”

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54 Comments leave one →
  1. 1:00 pm

    I look forward, as I age gracefully if not politely, to making this poem a part of my Christmas traditions. A nice glass of nog, reading glasses settled on the bridge of my nose, comfy slippered feet up on the dainty little foot rest, and this: this splendiferous bit of heartwarming cheer for my literary soul.

    The borders of my intellectual cheer have been enlarged by including this poem amongst the pedestrian ephemera and swag of typical Christmas fare.

    Very well done, Mr. Mills!

  2. 1:00 pm

    I was touring the blogs
    and lost in the fog
    I came to the fart
    and stayed, not depart.
    In rhyme he has spoken, a topical tale,
    a gormless teenager now in jail.

    And lo, I espy, the triumph is mine,
    the first to reply, and not in one line.
    To Magical Don,
    you must keep on,
    standing for justice and anti-ageism
    enough from and my witicism.

    COI He made me do it, you know, NobblySan…

  3. 1:01 pm

    Oh bugger and damn.
    I’m trapped in spam
    Some girlie got there,
    with longish brown hair.

    SULKING

  4. Just Me permalink
    1:22 pm

    Mr Mills

    That might be the funniest thing i have heard this year…hahhahhaah great stuff…..happy kwanzaa merry new year…zman sends

  5. 1:23 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    You have outdone yourself. Nothing says Christmas Eve cheer like a kick in the nuts.

    As always, you’ve made me laugh. Merry Christmas to you.

  6. 1:27 pm

    Ahhh the nostalgia. It brings me back a few years when I got too drunk on Christmas Eve and somehow climbed up on this old guys roof, slide down his chimney…..OMG.

    Merry Christmas Don!

  7. 1:35 pm

    Merry Christmas Mr. Don
    This is simply brilliant!

    RLP

  8. 1:39 pm

    Ha ha. Too funny! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

    I’ve enjoyed reading your blog so much! Your posts are simply hilarious. I have to say that I miss Ram. Any chances he will escape from the prison?

  9. 3:21 pm

    Now that’s a holiday I can get behind!

  10. 4:22 pm

    Dear Don,

    Congratulations, this is another outstanding piece of literary work! You do not disappoint. Such visuals are a rarity these days. It is difficult to remember anyone who wields the power of the cane as well as you do.

    Truly, I haven’t laughed this hard in quite a long time. Makes my heart feel good to howl so loud.

    Regards,
    mcnorman

  11. Mary permalink
    4:58 pm

    Well rhymed, Mr. Don! I hope you have a merry, obnoxious young person free Christmas!

    -Mary

    • marymcmary permalink
      5:06 pm

      Oh, I decided to get a username on wordpress, so this is the former just plain Mary. Just thought I’d let you know.

  12. 5:18 pm

    Damn that was funny, Don! I’ve got to print this out and have a reading up at the family gathering near Boston tomorrow. The “aged parent” crowd (to quote Dickens, if my brain cells are firing right) is well represented up there, and they’ve certainly cained their share of snot-nosed drunkards stumbling about hard-earned, established properties. But enough about the beatings I’ve taken . . .

    I will raise a toast of rye to you tomorrow, in honor of a truly great comical talent. I know I’ve already wished you a great holiday season, but now I’m thanking you for another gift of laughter, and hope it continues through many more New Years. Fantastic treatment of a classic!

  13. 5:20 pm

    Sent by Joan, I am laughing my ass off!
    Thank you and Merry Christmas.

  14. Catherine permalink
    5:47 pm

    Another fabulous post, Don, it’s Christmas gift to all your readers. Good to see you live in the US ….if you lived in the UK the poem would have a different ending, it would be you in prison rather than the housebreaker. Though if you lived in Texas I guess he could have had more than a kick in the nuts! Thanks again, Don. Looking forward to reading lots more from you in 2010.

  15. 6:42 pm

    Once woken from snoring,
    I jumped out of bed.
    I found a young teen using my head.
    I let him finish, I didn’t make a sound;
    He looked quite surprised,
    when he turned around.

    Hey, moron, in my house, you always flush;
    He laughed and came at me in a big rush.
    He thought me being old, kicking my ass was the case.
    What he found instead was a large can of mace.

    I dialed 911, as he lay there in tears,
    The cops showed up, arresting him and my fears.
    As he was led off to jail, to await his fate,
    I hollered, “Enjoy meeting Bubba, your new roommate.

  16. Lily Fossil permalink
    9:44 pm

    Dear Donald,

    ‘Tis Christmas morn, what joy! what glee!
    an unexpected post from ye
    in the form of poetry!

    Ye dost bring good cheer
    throughout the year, but this one dear
    Doth fill my heart with much merriment.

    (merriment is an experiment, because I couldn’t rhyme)

    I’m glad you kicked that feckless hooligan in the nuts.
    I did laugh at “I told him to stop, to desist, go away,”
    DESIST! oh my god I am rolling on the floor laughing!

    Happy Holidays to you and all your readers!
    Truly, you have been the best thing that has happened to me all year.

    Your floating Lily

  17. 10:40 pm

    Thank you Don. Merry Christmas

  18. David permalink
    11:04 pm

    I hope that lout didn’t waste a single drop of your fine rye.

  19. 11:11 pm

    Dear Donald

    My husband, Fluffy Bear, is currently watching James May’s (from Top Gear on BBC America) Toy Stories – a new show on BBC.

    He is trying to get modern 13 year olds to try Airfix models. Those little things where you build a 1930s airplane etc.

    The kids are completely unable to do it, of course.

    Fluffy Bear says the reason he can assemble Ikea furniture now is because he did Airfix models then.

    He is pointing at the TV and yelling abuse at the kids. I think you and he might get on.

    Have a wonderful Christmas and all the best for the New Year!

    IBC

  20. 11:42 pm

    Don,

    You had me at “pills”, and by the time I got to “outta my tits,” I was trying to decide whether you should wear your trilby or your homburg for your upcoming book jacket cover. (Or better yet, I could photoshop you wearing a french beret!)

    With your kind permission, I’d like to use this poem to “bring the manger down” after my sister and I do our “Shadow-Puppet Nativity Scene Re-enactment” tomorrow night.

    Let me know if this is a problem, I definitely don’t want to “mow your lawn” (or whatever the kids are calling plagiarism these days).

    You are a brilliant, man, Mr. Mills. I tip my trilby to you.

    Merry Christmas!!

    Your friend (and future literary agent),
    Bschooled:)

  21. 12:28 am

    I love you, Don.

  22. downcastmysoul permalink
    12:28 am

    Santa Thug came down my chimney and said,

    HOHOHO Happy Kwanzaaka and a Merry New Year!

    I kicked him in the nuts and sprayed him with raid (for ants and their uncles) inciting his fear

    And said “why are you calling me a HO?”

    As he coughed and gagged he put my gift on the floor and ran shrieking out into the frigid night where he shrieked “Yo! watch that beeotch,”

    It was coal and a switch.

  23. 3:26 am

    Every day, not just Christmas, I visit Don Mills,
    To read how he deals with all of life’s ills,
    From kids on his lawn, to bad aches and pains,
    To dealing with people who don’t seem to have brains.

    It’s wisdom I find here, all wrapped up in humor,
    I think Don’s grown on me (much like a tumor),
    From tales of his youth, so quaint (yet bizarre),
    To his always-on turn signals, when he’s driving his car.

    So, Don Mills, while you deal with all bottom feeders,
    Allow me to wish this for you and your readers:
    May your holiday season be filled with delight,
    Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

    your blog posts are like a present to be unwrapped every day. holiday hugs to one of the funniest guys on the internets (and to his hunky brother, york, too! 😉 )

  24. 12:30 pm

    Feliz Natal, meu grande amigo especial!!!!!

    Ivan.

  25. 4:31 pm

    Have a Merry Christmas, Dammit.

  26. Mary permalink
    8:25 pm

    Uppity sent us–
    I’m sure glad I came–
    Merry Christmas to you,
    To your readers, the same!

  27. momromp permalink
    8:58 pm

    Fantastic. Just fantastic. Here’s a poem I’d like to share with you; you probably already know it, but it reminds me so much of your humor:

    May all my enemies go to Hell,
    Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel.
    – Belloc

    Merry Christmas, sir. Here’s to you.

  28. 2:35 am

    Thug nuts roasting on an open fire🙂 Merry Christmas Mr Mills

  29. thetownecrier permalink
    6:58 am

    Merry Christmas to Mr. Mills and all the COF followers. A real pleasure to partake of the abundance of entertainment at this site!

  30. 7:10 am

    Can you do an alternate version where you get arrested and the louse gets your house? Not because I want it that way but just because nowadays its not out of the realm of possibility.

  31. 7:21 am

    Thanks for the gift of laughter. Merry Christmas, Mr. Mill and have a happy New Year!

  32. 9:55 am

    Well….bugger me with an undersized stollen!

    The spirit of Shakespeare lives on.

    Merry christmas Mr Mills….. more power to your cane arm in the New Year.

  33. Kate permalink
    1:31 pm

    ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all down the street,
    The hoodlums were yodelling and stamping their feet.
    Don looked our in his garden with care
    To see a great yob a -peeing there.
    Don cried our “F*** off, you louse!”
    But the yob he did climb to the roof of the house.
    Don called the cops, and had just turned around,
    When down the chimney the lout came with a bound.
    Don kicked the lout in the nuts for sure,
    Just as the cops burst in the door.
    They arrested our Don and took him downtown
    For defending his home from that assclown!

  34. 2:01 pm

    Don, were you visited by 3 ghosts after this incident by any chance?

  35. 3:23 pm

    My sincere thanks to you all for your holiday wishes and kind words.

    I apologize for not being able to respond to each of your comments individually but I’m visiting my brother York at his “bachelor condo” and don’t dare leave him unattended with the carving knife.

    God willing, I’ll get out of here tomorrow.

    All the best for a joyous holiday season. And my sincere thanks for your visits, your comments and your friendship.

    Warm regards,

    Don

  36. 4:59 pm

    Brilliant, Lord Tennyson! That’s thy masterpiece!

  37. 3:29 am

    Oh, Donald! You’ve done it again, sir. Your poem just made me laugh so hard, my egg nog just shot out my nose, which made the tender membranes within my sinuses burn. Of course, that could have something to do with all the rum I loaded it up with. In any case, you’ve made my holiday.

    Merry Christmas, you cranky old thing! And to all the regular commenters, too. You guys collectively never fail to make my day.

  38. 8:26 pm

    That was very nice and funny. But, I come here today to remember a man who is not around to celebrate Christmas this year.

    Ram Vektaconveniencestoreofindiandescent. Likeable guy who is no more. Done in by his own devices and inability to adjust to convenience store life. Lived a good life, although short, and will go down in the annals of convenience store history as one of the most innovative when it came to retailing outdated product. RIP RAM!

  39. 10:09 pm

    Have a nice christmas, somehwere else!

  40. 3:56 pm

    Wow! Well done, that was very creative.

  41. 1:22 am

    Superb! !

  42. Sherri permalink
    9:10 pm

    I love that word…”assclown!” It never gets old!

  43. 5:25 pm

    I am going to frame this poem and give it to my parents for Christmas.

    Merry Christmas Mr. Mills, from the entire Ahmnodt Heare for President campaign team!

Trackbacks

  1. A Random and Sundry Christmas Line-up « Random and Sundry Things
  2. Crabby Old Fart: ‘Twas the Damned Night Before Christmas «

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